A deep intake of breath alerted Zee that Jim was definitely coming awake. As if pulled by a magnet, she turned from the coffee maker and watched across the room as his eyes fluttered open. A slow smile spread across his face as he caught a glimpse of the toot-gaped beam welcoming him, and Zee's heart melted.
The way her boyfriend and her daughter instantly connected was endearing.
Of course, Zee couldn't really blame Jamie for sitting on the bed Jim occupied—the same one Zee had shared with him all night—just so she could stare, totally fascinated, at him sleeping. Envy was a more accurate word. But everything was time-sensitive, and Zee didn't have the luxury of losing herself in moments like this, though precious they were. She'd already taken her turn at it last night anyway, when she'd been able to hold Jim close and hum a lullaby until he fell asleep, cuddling him until her own exhaustion won.
"Hey, princess," Jim croaked out. He squinted against the sun rays that filtered through the curtained windows, which earned him a giggle. That sound was music to Zee's ears, and judging by Jim's dreamy expression, it had the same effect on him.
Zee's hand unconsciously flew to her neck at the thin gold chain she'd decided to wear this morning and, more importantly, to the pendant she'd attached to it. She was never a jewelry gal, but she owned a few basic pieces, things she could adapt to her simple needs. Anyone who saw it would think her daughter made it for her, and she wouldn't mind correcting them. The real meaning of the little golden key and the thin, mismatched metal ring linking it to the chain was too personal.
Jim's proposal last night had caught her by surprise, but it had not come out of nowhere. Zee would have loved nothing more than to say yes and play perfect family with him and Jamie for a little while. The two adored each other, and it would be so easy to pretend they were father and daughter for the rest of her time with them, to let them have each other and live for each other after she was no longer with them.
Guilt washed over Zee at such thoughts. There were many reasons why she couldn't let Jim take that huge step, the most irrational one being Dillon. It would be unfair to her late husband to just erase his memory and go for this fantasy of the life she could have had with Jim hadn't been for her stupid health condition. She'd loved Dillon too much to do this to him. He'd been a wonderful father for the short time he'd been allowed with his daughter, and it pained Zee to know the few precious memories the little girl had of him were fading away day by day and that she wouldn't be around to rekindle them.
Another thought sucked Zee's breath away. How long until all Jamie's memories of her mom would disappear, too?
Zee shook that away and leaned down on the bed to kiss Jim before addressing her daughter with a hint of reproach in her voice. "Sweetie pie, you were not supposed to wake him."
"I didn't do anything, Mommy," Jamie complained, her feet mindlessly kicking the air as they dangled from the foot of the bed Jim occupied. "He waked himself."
"Woke," Zee gently corrected.
Jamie shrugged. "I didn't woke him the same. Tell her, Uncle Jim." She batted her leashes at him, making all grammar slips in the world forgivable. But that endearment title Jamie sometimes used for him didn't slip as easily on Jim.
Zee's breath caught in her throat at seeing hide hide a flinch. She wondered if he really desired for her to call him Daddy instead. He would be a terrific father, and Zee hoped one day he would have the chance to, but in the proper way, as not to miss anything from labor to first smile, word, steps, and all that followed.
"See? He's not even really awake," Jamie pointed out in her chirpy voice. She was perceptive enough she noticed Jim had gotten lost in his head, but luckily, not enough to guess what was going on in there as Zee could.
Jim chuckled lightly, pushing on his forearms to prop himself up on the headboard. "She did nothing wrong, and I'm glad I'm awake. What were you plannin'? Sneak away and abandon me here while you girls go out having fun?"
He told it as a joke, but Zee knew he was still haunted by the memory of her disappearing on him years ago. Jim tried to hide it, but she could see in his eyes the dread of the day—too soon— when she would inevitably go out without being able to come back. The way he'd started tossing and turning in bed mere moments after Zee got up this morning, leaving him alone under the covers, was one more proof of that. She'd had to go back to him and put a hand on his chest until his erratic heartbeat gradually slowed to a normal rate. She should have guessed he would not stay asleep for long after that.
"We tried to be sneaky like you have to be at work." That earned Jamie a proud grin from Jim, but she didn't notice, and instead, she huffed and crossed her arms. "But we're up to nothing fun. Only school."
Zee sat on the edge of the bed with them, amazed by her miracle girl. Jamie didn't know much about SWAT and Jim's job but still put together enough in her fantasy to transform the 'do not make too much noise' warning Zee had issued when she woke her up this morning into a game about it. Only thing, after a few moves around and only half-ready for school, she'd changed her mission into watching Jim sleep to see if she'd done a good job in not waking him up. Perhaps Jamie won't join law enforcement. Or maybe she will. Either way, Zee won't be there to witness it, but she hoped Jim would, no matter what happened in the next few weeks.
"I thought you liked school," Jim said, the tender look on his face making Zee swoon. "Isn't there that really, really cool science teacher who makes you do all those magic things?"
"Ms. Long's lessons are the best!" Jamie brightened up. "And Mr. Tucks, too! Maybe today we'll finish our secret art project." She eyed her mother, who feigned ignorance. Parents had to provide the supplies to make that 'secret' project, so it was hardly a surprise anymore, but the kids loved the idea, so they let it be.
"See? School can be fun, too." Zee tapped her daughter's nose. "And then, you'll go to Aunt Emmalyn's home to play with Rachel and Mike. All afternoon." Her heart thumped in her chest as she added, "And if you're having a good time, you can even sleep there."
"A sleepover?" Jamie looked uncertain. Was she ready to spend her first night far from her mom?
Zee wasn't. Not by a long shot. But she steeled herself and nodded. "If you want, that's what your aunt and I planned for you little guys."
"I think that will be real fun," Jamie deliberated at last. "Even if I will miss you, Mommy," she added, lacing her tiny fingers in Zee's and taking Jim's hand with her free one. "And you, too, Jim. But I'm a big girl now. I can do it. And it will be great."
Zee's heart stuttered, exploding with pride, fear, and a million other emotions. She was about to lose it when Jim came to her rescue like a pro.
"Why don't you go finish prepping for the day, then, pretty princes?"
Distracted before she could detect her mother's turmoil, Jamie hopped down the bed and trotted to the restroom, her dimpled smile brightening the whole apartment at being called pretty by this charming man she loved and respected.
"Hey, it's okay," Jim said, pulling Zee toward him to hug her tight. "I know how hard letting her go is for you, but I'm right here. You can lean on me." He kissed her hairline, a tender gesture she adored and which calmed her down a notch.
Zee smiled a wet smile and righted to compose herself. "Thank you, my 'Shine."
Jim's eyes fell from hers to her neck, and recognition flickered on his face when they landed on the ring. But when he acknowledged her keeping it didn't mean she changed her mind, his expression darkened.
"I love you," she said in her best reassuring tone while twirling the little key connected to the ring between her fingers. One day, Jamie will read the diary this key opens and find all the song drafts Jim had inspired her mom to write and the true story behind why she'd never got to call this amazing man Dad. One day, when she was ready.
"I know." Jim tore her from her thoughts with a lingering kiss on her lips. "And I love you. Both of you." He made a move to get up from the bed, but Zee gently pushed him back.
"Uh-uhu," she shook her head. "You stay right there. You're working like crazy; sleeping in on your day off is a must."
"You really think I'm gonna leave you alone a single minute on such a big day?" He nodded toward the door Jamie disappeared through. He knew this would be the first night she was not in the same house as Jamie since she was born, a huge milestone that created a void inside her.
Zee's eyes filled with tears again, but she sniffed them back as she laid her lips on Jim's cheek, feeling the dimple appearing there. "Nighttime is still far away, and there's nothing you can do to help me prep for it. In the next few hours, I'm gonna drop Jamie at school and then have a quick breakfast with Emmalyn to settle the last details of the afternoon and night before she heads off to work."
"Girl time. Got it." The smile she'd just earned fell from Jim's face. This was hard on him too, being constantly reminded he couldn't help her and couldn't be Jamie's guardian after Zee was gone.
"Jim, don't go there again," Zee pleaded, throwing a glance toward the bathroom door. "I have a plan. A solid one. And I know how you two love each other, but I can't let you take care of her to that extent."
She had no doubt Jim would rock as a father, especially Jamie's father, but this situation wasn't fair. On any of the parts involved. Jim would be a great choice but not the best choice. And Zee only accepted the best for her miracle daughter.
"I know, but…" Defeated was the only word that came to Zee's mind to describe Jim's expression. "I know, and I trust your decision. And I know this is a hundred times harder for you than it is for me, but I just wish things were different." He managed a weak shrug. "You know my family situation growing up was not… ideal. And I never thought I could… That I would feel so at ease being a family man. But with you two, it's just so natural."
"I feel like that, too. I do. And you're great with both of us, but…" Tears came to her again, and once more, she refused to shed them.
"But just love is not enough to raise a child."
Zee shook her head weakly.
"I get it. A child needs stability; no one knows it better than someone who lacked that all his life." Jim gestured to himself.
"In the past few weeks, I got to know Emmalyn a lot better, and it wouldn't have happened without your help tracing her and her husband." Zee threw him her best grateful smile. "She exceeded my expectations, and now, in my gut, I know she and Joel will be good parents to Jamie."
"I know you're right. I trust your instincts—"
"And I trust yours and your background checks." She shook her head at him, trying to fake annoyance at his over-protectiveness. Even if Jim had not talked to her in-laws for more than two minutes each time that they'd crossed their path, he was a quick judge of characters and a good one at that. And he never had a single concern about them.
"I know you need to be rational, or you won't come out of this. The last thing I want is to be the reason you fall apart."
"Let's get over this rationally one last time, then." Zee took a deep breath to center herself. "Emmalyn and Joel both have stable jobs, with set hours and loads of free time. And still, they make enough to take care of a family of five if we add Jamie."
"Even though we know money won't ever be a problem for her."
"True. I saved enough through the years in the music industry to grant Jamie whatever she needs to be taken care of from now on and all through college without a hitch." Not to talk about the royalties of her songs, Zee added in her mind, which will last her daughter a lifetime and more.
"You can say it, Zee." Jim hugged her and kept talking without looking at her eyes. "The real reason I'm not fit to be Jamie's guardian is my job. And it isn't even the shift system not giving me enough free time or set hours. The issue isn't the uncertainty of when I'll be home at night but the fear that one day I might not come home at all."
Zee's lungs burned. "I can't even think about that. But yes. Jim, she already lost so much. A congenital disorder is about to take her mother away after some stupid war already took away her father. Fate did her bad, and I can't give it another weapon to use against her. Dillon sacrificed himself for this country, and I can't leave his daughter with someone prepared to do the same, to give his life in the blink of an eye for what's right for everyone else but not right for her. It's noble and brave, and I love you for that. I wouldn't want you to do anything else or be anyone else. But I refuse to subject my daughter to this hell again if—"
"I know. But—"
"No." Zee pushed away and searched his eyes. "I'm not letting you drop your job or shift to a desk position. I'm not letting you sacrifice yourself like that when there is a perfectly valid alternative. Jamie will be happy with her aunt, uncle, and cousins, and they will be happy with her. I know you love her, but I know you also love your job. You have a family with SWAT. You have a purpose." Tears rolled down her cheeks, and Jim gently wiped them away. "This is the reason I left you years ago, so you could create this life. I'm not going to let you throw all that away. I'm not letting you waste all the sacrifices we both made to make this reality true."
Jim kissed her, and as she rested her hand on his cheek, she felt the wetness of his own tears. "I love you. I'm gonna miss you so much."
Zee broke a second, lingering kiss, then sniffed and smiled. "And Rachel and Mike are so well-behaved and happy, meaning Emmalyn and Joel know what they're doing. Gosh, can you just imagine my sweetie pie growing into a teenager in the same household as you and Luca? How would you manage that? You two are basically teenagers yourselves."
Jim chuckled despite himself. "Yeah, Luca can be a big baby."
She caressed his cheeks, now dry, and felt his dimples fall into place. "That's better," she sighed.
Squeezing Zee's hand, Jim said, "We'll all do our best to make Jamie happy again. Regardless of who she'll live with. That's a promise."
Zee smiled at him. When Jim made a promise, he kept it. "And Jamie will be the luckiest girl to have you in her life as her… fairy godparent?"
He chuckled again. "Yeah. I can play that role. But don't tell the guys, okay?"
"You ashamed?"
"No. I'm afraid they would try to top me on that and steal my position."
"You would let them?"
"Heck no. But by that point, Jamie will be spoiled rotten."
A shadow clouded Zee's heart. Spoiling a kid too much is never good, but Jamie deserved a little sunshine in her life after all she's been through and what she would still have to go through.
"She's going to be alright. I promise."
And just like that, Zee believed Jim. How could she not? She nodded and leaned in to kiss him, but the bathroom door opened, and she froze.
Jamie emerged with foam on her lips and said around her toothbrush, "Don't forget to bring Moonie when you come pick me up, alright, Mommy?"
"How could I, Sweetie Pie?" Zee let out a wistful chuckle that died as soon as her daughter disappeared from sight again. Her big girl still needed her stuffed animal to sleep. How could her mommy leave her so soon?
"It's all gonna be okay," Jim whispered while using the pad of his thumb to wipe a stray tear from Zee's cheek.
"It has to." She nodded, trying to find her composure again. "I'm so glad you're here for me."
"Always," he made to get up again, but once more, Zee pushed him back, her hand warm on his chest.
"I said here, as in wait for me exactly where you are." She put up a smile that, from Jim's expression, didn't quite reach her eyes. She was causing him more stress and heartache than she could tolerate, but what could she do to ease it all? "Try to relax now, okay?"
Jim took Zee's hand from where it still rested on his chest after pushing him back down on the mattress and took her knuckles to his lips. "Are you sure?"
"Maybe you can come along later when Joel picks the three kids up after classes to take them home to spend the rest of the day with him and Emmalyn, so we can both kiss Jamie a good time with her cousins. But in the meantime"— Zee tucked Jim back into bed as Jamie stepped out of the restroom all ready for school— "Why don't you enjoy some more sleep, so when I'm back, I can wake you up with a kiss—"
"Like the sleeping beauty!" Jamie giggled, and both adults couldn't help the grin spreading across their lips.
"So it's decided," Zee continued, "I'll wake you like the sleeping beauty and treat you with breakfast in bed."
"Sounds perfect." Jim still sounded sad, but he lifted on his elbows and sealed his lips on Zee's for a chaste kiss—Jamie was observing them like a hawk.
They all smiled at each other, and then Jamie started dragging Zee by hand out of the apartment before turning back on the threshold.
"Bye, Uncle Jim. I love you," she chirped and trotted off, tugging on her mother's hand.
"Love you, princess," Jim stuttered back, his smile melting away the second Jamie turned to leave. "I love you both more than I can express," he muttered so low Zee could barely hear him. Darn, he was scared.
He was trying so hard to keep it together for their sake, and Zee was oh-so-grateful, but her heart was already weak enough. Once Jamie was as well settled as possible, Zee was determined to make these last weeks, or hopefully, months, with him the best Jim could ever wish for. And she was determined to make the transition after her departure as smooth as she could for him. Because there was no doubt he would put Jamie first while trying to deny himself the chance to feel his own pain until it came crushing on him, suffocating him.
Zee wouldn't allow that.
Maybe she could tell about her condition to just one person in Jim's life even before she broke the news to Jamie. And she knew who could be strong enough to protect her privacy and honor her will, both for Jamie's and Jim's sake. As busy as Luca's BBQ will be, it could be the perfect—if not the only—occasion she had to face this person alone and explain herself without the guardian of her soul knowing or worrying even more. Just one white lie she swore she'll make up with her boyfriend for though she didn't have much time.
Jim wasn't the only one who kept his word no matter what.
-o- -o- -o-