Street silently thanked the gentle breeze swiping the long, warm afternoon toward a pleasantly cool evening. He chanced a glance at Zee, huddled in his plaid shirt, amicably talking with Annie, Bonnie, and Chris at the picnic tables.
He longed for nothing more than to storm there and steal her away. Just hug her and keep her close. Keep her safe. He wanted nothing more than to make her heart whole and keep it for him and him only.
But Zee was fine where she was.
She smiled while twirling with her key pendant—the one that for him meant so much more than it met the eye—and breathed calmly while observing her daughter play. And Street had to act 'normal' and nonchalant just as he'd promised his girlfriend he would. For Jamie's sake and his—now their— friends, too.
He should give himself permission to enjoy the much-needed reprieve along with the rest of the un-fatigable players on the court.
Truth was, Street did feel a little fatigued. His lungs started to feel just a bit heavy, and a headache was starting to build across his temples.
If that had been caused by the exertion of playing basketball with a bunch of kids—regular or overgrown like Luca and himself—that would be a serious problem in his job. But this wasn't it. Nor about the fragmented sleep patterns he'd been having lately. Because this wasn't a physical thing. It was his mind messing up with his body.
Street should be having a blast, surrounded by his family, friends and neighbors. Watching Jamie thrive in this new-to-her environment. Seeing Zee blending in like she'd always belonged here.
Instead, his chest was tight. This pretty little picture was just a bubble ready to burst any minute now.
His protective instincts were on override, and he simply couldn't fully relax. But neither could he prove to be overbearing to his girls. His SWAT family couldn't know something was wrong with his girlfriend. The innocent Jamie couldn't know just yet either.
His heart broke just thinking that in a few days her mom would shatter her innocence forever…
Taking a deep breath, Street let the positive vibes around him warm his heart, focusing on Zee's smile from across the basketball court and Jamie's laugh wafting through to him even when he wasn't watching her.
"Playing family suits you," Buck said at Street's ear, appearing from nowhere at his back, breaking the spell just when he was starting to feel calm again.
Street stiffened, but Jamie's shrill voice—she was cheering for everyone and no one while she and Lila let the older 'kids' play—had an instantly relaxing effect.
"This is no game," he said. "I thought you, of all people, would understand." His gaze pierced through the players and across the road to Zee.
His girlfriend was chilling out with the other 20-David's partners—Annie, Bonnie, and now Nichelle had arrived at the party, too. It seemed some kind of 'army wives' support group Zee had undoubtedly been part of in her days in Charleston. Absurdly, it felt all kind of normal. Except for Chris's quiet presence in the group. Though she loved all those women—okay, maybe not all the four of them—she still was 'one of the guys' and, in Street's eyes, looked a bit estranged in the group. Did she have an ulterior motive, or was she just catching up with the friends she didn't see nearly enough and enjoying her goddaughter's cuddles?
All thoughts were wiped away from Street's mind when forced his focus to shift from Chris to Zee, who had a giant smile of pride and love plastered on her face as she watched her daughter. And then her eyes met his, and his stomach squeezed for the intensity of that look.
Buck rested a hand on Street's shoulder, tearing him from his reeling thoughts. "You don't fool me, kid. What's behind all this?"
Street folded his arms across his chest, shrugging off the touch. His eyes remained fixed on Zee, while hers were back on her new girlfriends and her focus on their conversation. In his peripheral vision, he caught Chris turning in his direction, and for the faintest moment, her and Street's gazes met. Either she knew what was truly behind all this, or she suspected something crazy was up. One thing was sure, her attitude toward Zee—and toward Street himself—had not-so-subtly changed since he'd walked in on them having a moment in the house. But Zee couldn't have told Chris anything, could she? No, if Chris knew the truth, she wouldn't remain quiet about it all, would she?
Zee had a way with people, a way to reach their hearts with her songs but also with the inner light she projected simply by being herself. It must have been that. Zee had managed the unthinkable and won Chris with a smile and a few carefully placed words.
Those two… With time, they could have really adored each other… Where would that have put him, though, Street didn't know. And he will never know. Time was the only thing they didn't have.
"Jimmy? Are you still with me?" Buck's deep voice pulled Street back to the external limit of the basketball court.
He really needed to stop losing himself in his head. If he'd had given more thought to this, it wouldn't have struck so much that Buck was the only remaining person somehow tied to his childhood. And it wouldn't have grated on his nerves how he still called him 'Jimmy' after all that time. He did it in a good-naturedly and affectionate way, and that sometimes, threw him a little off-kilter.
"Love," Street replied at last. Since he hated keeping things from the man, he restored to at least not lying. "Behind all this, there's love. You know our history. How tied I've always been to her. How she'd taught me what love is—"
"How she'd smashed your heart," Buck interjected.
"Yeah, of course, you remember that part," Street sighed. What you don't know is how she's gonna smash it again. And this time, no one might be able to help me glue it back together. "But she had a good excuse."
Buck's eyebrows shot up. "That being?"
"None of your business," Street failed not to snap out of frustration, the faint throbbing of his temples intensifying. How he wanted to tell Buck the whole truth. To tell him everything and let the only father figure he'd ever had advise him. But he couldn't. Not yet.
Buck shook his head. "Okay. I'm just concerned. You've had a pretty rough year already"—understatement of the century—"and if that woman tricks you again, I'm not sure you would survive. Picking you up the last time has been enough for me."
A vise-like grip clasped at Street's heart. "No tricks." Worse. Far worse. Scorching reality. "I assure you I know Zee's plans in detail this time." Too many details, too. "I know exactly where we're heading to."
To yet another funeral. Too soon.
"With a child involved," Buck said, nodding at little Jamie bouncing on her toes a few feet from them, "things get even more serious."
Street let out a wry laugh. "Come on, don't tell me you believed the rumors too. I thought you were not that bad at math."
"I tried to put a stop to them. I knew the timing wasn't right and was fully convinced you couldn't have reconnected with Zee without telling me." Buck raked Street from head to toe. "And yet, a few weeks ago, you did reconnect with her, and I had to know it from Luca."
A pang of guilt shot through Street's body. "Sorry about that. To be fair, we didn't exactly put manifestos."
"By keeping the secret, you just managed to send your teammates crazy."
"My nosy teammates." Street tried to sound irritated but couldn't. They were not prying in a gossiping way; they were trying to look out for him. Exactly why he couldn't tell them the truth.
"Your family. Which I thought included me."
"I'm sorry, okay?" You don't even know how much. "I was just scared of this."
"This what?" Buck arched his brow. "All the people you love happy in the same place? Having fun together?"
A quick thought went to Street's mom, but even if she was alive, she wouldn't be a part of this. And maybe that would have been even worse. He gathered courage and spoke again to Buck, "I didn't look forward to you questioning Zee's sincerity toward me because of what happened between us the first time." And I was afraid of you understanding something isn't right.
"Honestly, Jimmy? I was preoccupied at first, but that woman right there"—Buck nodded toward Zee, who was still engaged in a thigh conversation with Chris and the other women—"that's not the girl I met all those years ago. And I can see you're not the boy of that time either."
"True." Street's eyes wandered around, soaking in every detail of the gathering. The smells, the sounds, the people. His family. A family that helped him grow more in the last five years than he could think himself capable of. A family whom he may never have met if Zee had remained in his life all that time ago. A family to whom he was lying, and he wasn't sure anymore if he was doing it to protect them or himself.
Buck cleared his throat. "Just tell me you're not thinking of burning steps again."
Oh, he thought of it. Big time. But he was not going to admit he'd already put both feet in it and was rejected. Street had wanted to marry Zee back then, just before she left, even after only three months of dating. And now that there was no time to waste, burning steppes was all he could do. But she didn't want to. You're not getting a free pass for the widows club, she'd said. It's no fun place to belong, believe me. And her distraught eyes had left no other thing to do than believe her. But until her flame was burning, hope was alight, too. After all, she was wearing the ring as part of her necklace.
"Oh, man, here we go again…" Buck faced Street and his silence. "You sure you thought this through? With your job and the kid and everything…"
"Don't worry," Street said flatly. "No eloping is on our schedules." Defeated, he turned to Jamie. She approached him and slid her tiny hands in his, smiling up at him so big her joy was almost blinding.
A surge of pain washed over Street, knocking the air out of him. What the hell was he doing? This idyllic family picture was a mirage. The bubble will soon burst, and he will be alone again. So this scorching desire to marry Zee and adopt Jamie was plain stupid and crazy. Vain. Hollow. Selfish.
He could never give little Jamie Lee what she deserved. Not with his job. And he couldn't give that up because it wasn't simply a career. Couldn't change his profession and drop the only family he has left to start a broken one from scratch. Selfish. Stupid. Pointless. The girl will be better off with her loving aunt and perfect uncle as parents and benefit from the company of precious cousins as siblings. Like Chris did. And she turned out fine, right? More than fine. He could watch Jamie from a distance. Be the cool uncle, hopefully. But even more, the one she would go to when she felt misunderstood by her new spotless family. The one she felt right going to if ever she was in trouble.
But what if, instead, she feels abandoned and betrayed and never wants to see him again?
Sending her away was for her own good. And Street's, too. Again, selfish. Just like his own mother.
Jamie squeezed Street's hand and tugged him along the basketball court, yelling for her mother's attention. Their turn to play again. Street turned briefly to Buck, who nodded at him and mouthed a "Be careful." But he wasn't referring to the game.
Before the new match started, Street met Zee's eyes, which danced with emotions. Now more than ever, he wished he could physically give his own heart to her, the same way he donated part of his liver to his mother. Zee would not waste the chance. Not waste his gift. She would not disappoint her kid. They both deserved so much more. But what Zee and Jamie were worth right now was a focused, in-the-moment Jim Street, and that, that little, he could do.
… … …