Jane woke up groggy; she was on her couch in her new place, her head resting on Maura's shoulder and chest, Maura's arm around her, stroking Jane's arm idly as the game played on the television.
"You awake?" Maura asked, when she noticed Jane's movement, and Jane made herself move away from the soft warmth of Maura's body. She didn't deserve it, she didn't want Maura to get the wrong idea. Maura had picked her up from the airport even though she'd asked Ma to, and it was part of what was breaking her heart. Maura's eyes were as soft as her chest had been, and Jane swallowed and looked away, nodding. "Want me to go?" Maura said, and her voice was even softer than her eyes had been. Jane's heart clenched painfully; she didn't want Maura to go, but it would be for the best if she did. There was a spare room here, but she'd spent so long building distance between them that she didn't want to lose ground just because it was late. But it was late, and even though Maura lived close now, Jane didn't want to send her out into the night, into potential danger. "I'll go," Maura said finally.
"No," Jane said, shaking her head. "Just tired. Stay."
Maura looked uncertain, and Jane hated that she had to do this, that she'd had to do this for so long.
"Are you sure?" Maura asked, and Jane nodded.
"Yeah, you can give me a lift to work tomorrow. I'm all worn out." It was a good an excuse as any, and Jane had become very good at making excuses over the last two years.
"I'll shower, if you don't mind," Maura said. "If you're asleep when I come back down, do you want me to wake you?"
"Yeah," Jane agreed easily. A night on the couch was less appealing the older she got. "Yeah, thanks."
Maura still didn't feel particularly welcome, but Jane always kept her bathroom stocked with the supplies Maura preferred; the soap and shampoo she favoured in her own home. They were always on the ledge of the bath, next to Jane's, like they used to be in Jane's old apartment. It meant Jane cared, on some level, still. And Maura was staying, although she'd rather go home than deal with the oppressively depressed mood from Jane. If Jane would let Maura help her, it wouldn't matter as much, but Jane was carefully compartmentalised these days, and Maura was never sure if Jane had put Maura in with her colleagues or her brothers, but she wasn't in the category she used to be - best friend, confidant, plus one, first choice. And if Maura couldn't help Jane with whatever it was that was bothering her, then why was she even here. Why was she bothering?
She'd been closed off when Jane had pursued her - and Jane had pursued her, at the start - and then they'd found that neither of them were running away, and they'd both moved closer. But Maura had been stiff and formal because she didn't know what to do with someone like Jane, so warm and affectionate. Jane was... Jane wasn't the person Maura had met all those years ago any more. Maybe it was time to cut her losses, give in and let Jane determine the terms of their relationship. It made it harder, with how their lives were entwined, everyone expecting them to be together all the time. But Maura hadn't dated for years, and she was lonely without her best friend. She hadn't intended to stay, but Jane had fallen asleep against her, and Jane slept terribly at the best of times and Maura didn't have to heart to wake her and leave. She sighed, then looked over at the shirt she'd brought into the bathroom with her, smiling and shaking her head. Female Boob Inspector. Well, it would do to sleep in, and Jane would lend her some shorts. Jane spent so much energy pretending that nothing was different between them that it was no wonder she was so exhausted.
Maura came down in her FBI shirt.
"Got some shorts?" Maura asked, and Jane indicated to the laundry, Maura coming back into the lounge room a moment later in a pair of Jane's shorts as well. They were very short on Maura, and Jane averted her eyes.
"Nice shirt," Jane smirked. She hadn't intended this, but it kind of fit, since she'd suspected for a long time that Maura was into women. She didn't know if Maura had realised yet; she assumed Maura would tell her if she knew, and other than a few little throwaway statements she hadn't been forthcoming. Maura looked down at the shirt and chuckled.
"Already did my inspection last week," Maura said wryly.
"Wait, what?" Jane asked, wondering who Maura had been inspecting.
"Breast exam," Maura clarified. "Self breast exam," she elaborated further.
Jane nodded as though that was obvious.
"You do... you do your own breast exams, don't you?" Maura asked, and Jane shook her head. "Jane!" Maura chastised her, and Jane rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to do them once a month, Jane," Maura said, looking worried. "When did you last get checked?"
Jane shrugged and got up from the couch, feeling hounded.
"Last pap smear they gave me a check," Jane mumbled. It had been a humiliating enough experience that she hadn't wanted to stick around, but she knew a situation like this would come up sometime or other so she'd suffered through it. "Maybe a year ago?"
"You'd have told me if they found anything, wouldn't you?" Maura asked, and it stung that Maura thought that Jane would keep something like that from her.
"Of course," Jane said, smiling, letting her hackles smooth a little, aware that Maura just wanted her to take care of herself.
"Do you even know how to do a self-exam?" Maura asked. Jane shrugged.
"I can google it," Jane said. "And do it every month, now that I know."
"I am wearing the shirt, would it be appropriate for me to teach you about breast inspection?" Jane rolled her eyes again. Here it was, the thinly veiled reasoning that would get them into a weirdly intimate situation where it would require physical proximity. She was too tired to fight Maura tonight, too tired to deal with the sad face Maura would inevitably give her for neglecting her breasts.
"Yeah, sure, whatever."
"You need to look in a mirror, and check for and differences in size, shape and colour, check for swelling or visible lumps. Any kind of dimpling, puckering or bulging means you call your doctor. Any kind of changes to the nipple or any kind of discharge, soreness, rash or swelling likewise. Start with your hands on your hips, and then do it again with your arms up. Then go lie down and use your left hand for your right breast and vise versa. With flat fingers pressed together, firmly press in circles of about an inch, and check from collarbone to abdomen, and armpit to cleavage. The do another pass while standing. Simple."
Jane had expected Maura to demonstrate, or to check Jane's breasts for herself given the time she'd left between checks. But Maura just eyed Jane with concern. "You do know what your breasts are supposed to feel like, don't you?" Maura asked, and Jane sighed.
"I guess."
"And you know what normal breast tissue feels like?" Maura asked for clarification. "You should see your doctor."
"Maura, you're right here," Jane said, and instantly regretted it. This was exactly what she'd been trying to avoid.
"Oh, of course. I even have a fibroadenoma, so you know what you'd be looking for."
"You have a what?" Jane asked.
"Oh it's a harmless tumour. The biopsy came back benign. They're very common in women our age, but they are worth getting checked."
"When did you get a biopsy?" Jane asked, stunned.
"Last year, Cailin took me."
"Why didn't I know? If they biopsied they must have been worried."
"It's routine healthcare, Jane, and you didn't..." Maura looked away, and Jane felt a little sting. No, she hadn't seemed interested in Maura's health. Leaving her alone in hospital twice - after surgery, after kidnapping. Why would Jane have been someone Maura relied on to take her to an outpatient appointment if she couldn't trust Jane to be there for an inpatient procedure? Jane was a little ashamed that she was just another person Maura found it too hard to ask for what she needed. Cailin had stepped up, though. Good for her. She owed Maura a kidney anyway. Not that it made Jane feel any better, but at least people had stepped up to support Maura in the gap Jane had left.
"Okay," Jane said.
"Okay what?" Maura asked, looking confused.
"Okay, what am I looking for?"
Maura's face lit up - probably just with the joy of sharing medical information with Jane, but maybe a little because...
Because Maura had a crush on Jane. Jane hadn't minded at first; she adored her best friend, and she had a little crush on her too, at the time. But then it stopped being fun little butterflies and started being serious. Jane asked Maura to raise a kid with her, and Maura hadn't hesitated. Maura was the only person at her bedside when she woke, she was the person waiting on the dock even though she was dating someone else. Maura hadn't just had a crush, she'd been in love with Jane, she'd have given up everything else in her life for Jane, and Jane would have done the same for her; still would.
But Jane didn't deserve Maura. Jane was always going to hurt Maura, was always going to do something stupid. The baby she lost had been almost half Maura's, she'd lost the baby she was going to raise with Maura - and Tasha was alive and doing so well at college, she didn't regret that, but between that and the bridge she knew that Maura needed someone who could prioritise her.
Oh, and Jane was straight.
Of course Jane was straight. She'd asked Maura to be an aunt, not a second mother or anything. Jane was going to date men again some day. Some day soon, probably. Not right away though. That agent had been nice, even with Jane's track record with the FBI. And Maura deserved someone who didn't live paycheck to paycheck, someone who could fly her internationally on a whim, someone who could give her the blowout wedding she wanted, who could stomach being on a boat for her funeral. Someone who put her first, someone who wasn't stressed out and in pain all the time. And Jane didn't care if that was a man or a woman, but Jane couldn't be that woman. Because the crush she'd had on Maura had been a schoolgirl crush; light and playful and fun, full of admiration and awe; Maura had been so beautiful and graceful and compassionate. And she'd grown out of it, but Maura never had, because she'd never really been a child. Never really felt safe enough as a child to be one. So her childish crush on Jane remained, and Jane didn't want to hurt Maura by turning her down, or by humouring the crush. She loved Maura, and she didn't want to hurt her, but she couldn't be that person for her any more. It wasn't until she audited their relationship that she saw how deeply their lives had entwined, and there were parts she couldn't retreat from. Her family loved Maura, they were always including her. And Maura was everywhere in Jane's life. It had been hard to draw back and not raise questions from their friends and colleagues, but Jane felt like she had time to breathe now. She wasn't lonely, and she knew Maura had Jane's family as well as two of her own to keep her busy. It was working.
So she could afford to throw Maura a bone. It wasn't the fact that Maura had offered to let Jane touch her breasts that had made her cave. Jane didn't even like breasts. Not even her own sometimes, even though they seemed to fascinate Maura. Jane was a heterosexual - other than that one mostly platonic crush she'd had on Maura - and heterosexuals weren't into breasts. The female heterosexuals weren't, at least, and Jane wasn't, because she was a female heterosexual. She was just taking the path of least resistance.
"You're looking for anything that isn't pliant," Maura said. "Breast tissue and healthy milk ducts are dense but will give to gentle pressure."
"Oh," Jane said, trying not to feel disappointed that Maura's offer hadn't been fulfilled.
"If you really don't mind, I can show you what I mean," Maura said, and she sounded casual, like she wasn't offering to let Jane feel her up in the lounge room. Jane shrugged, equally casual, watching as Maura slid a hand under her own shirt and reached for something. "Okay, it's here," Maura said, taking Jane's hand and putting it over her shirt. "Can you feel it?" Maura asked, looking up at Jane's face. Jane shook her head, afraid to move her hand. Maura squeezed her hand around Jane's, but Jane was too aware of the softness beneath her hand to be able to tell what Maura was trying to do. Maura huffed, then took Jane's hand and
and
and
oh god
Jane's hand was
in
Maura's shirt now
and Maura was holding it against
her
bare
breast
and
and
and squeezing
and soft, so soft, oh god, oh god, it was so soft and there was the hard, taut little nipple Jane had glimpsed beneath sheer material a few times and it was pressing against her palm now, and it was so hard and the rest of Maura was so soft, the skin like the silk she loved to wear but better and warmer with a little thrum of a heartbeat underneath it and Maura smelled so good and she was so close and she was saying something but she was so soft and Jane was touching her breast, not just her breast but her bare breast oh god they should be illegal, Jane had her own and they didn't feel like this at all and Maura was looking up at her in concern but Jane moved her thumb and Maura pressed down again and Jane felt something hard and nodded, as though she'd just been concentrating really hard on finding the lump Maura had been showing her and not on how soft and pliant Maura was under her hand and Maura was still talking, moving Jane's fingers around the circumference of the harder tissue but Jane's fingers were still digging into soft tissue and Maura's words were very distant and her eyes, when they met Jane's, were concerned enough that Jane finally focused on the little lecture on fibroadenoma.
"Are you sure it's okay?" Jane asked, as Maura continued to guide Jane's hand around the lump, feeling a little scar where the biopsy must have been. How could she have been so cruel as to let Maura go through a breast cancer scare on her own? How much distance had she needed - not that much surely? She looked down, sure she was blushing, and saw Maura's answering blush as Jane's palm brushed her nipple again. Maura nodded.
"I know," Jane said finally. If she'd had the strength to remove her hand from Maura's shirt, she would have, but she couldn't so she didn't. The warmth especially was too enticing - Jane's hands hurt so much in the cold, and she couldn't bear to expose this one to the chill night air again, that was the only reason she still had her hand on Maura's breast. She'd had a moment of disappointment that Maura hadn't tugged up or removed her shirt, but being beneath it, nice and warm, was better. Let her keep her focus.
"Know what?" Maura asked carefully.
"I know that you're in love with me." Jane said. She'd wanted to use the word 'crush', to minimise the impact, but the way Maura was looking up at her made the word inadequate.
"Oh," Maura said, one eyebrow lifting a little in surprise. She didn't say anything else, but she'd let go of Jane's hand, which somehow remained under Maura's shirt, still palpating gently as Maura had shown her. "It's a little painful. The lump, not..." Maura said, and Jane jerked her hand away, still caught in the shirt, fumbling to retrieve her hand, shoving it in her pocket to keep the warmth from Maura on it as long as possible.
"That's why I haven't been there for you as much. Because I mean, I love you, but I'm not... I'm not in love with you. I don't... not women, you know?"
Maura just stared up at Jane, who felt compelled to fill the silence. It was a common interrogation tactic, and Jane fell for it nonetheless.
"I thought it would be better. Since I can't, because I'm not, so then you could find someone who could. Man or woman, whatever you like now, just not... not me. And if we have space then you have room to find someone new. Casey and Jack, they never got a moment alone with either of us, and I can't be what you need from me. I'm not... I would only hurt you more. You were taken, because of me. More than once. A serial killer got his hands and scalpel on you because of me."
"And you killed him for me," Maura pointed out. Jane paused. She'd killed two people who'd dared to hurt Maura. One had killed himself, and at least another two Jane had arrested.
"But you wouldn't have been in danger in the first place if it wasn't for me." Jane parried.
"The benefits of our friendship have always outweighed the negatives. Until recently. I was kidnapped because of a relationship we no longer have," Maura pointed out, and Jane's heart sank. It was Maura's breasts, they'd made her say too much. "And if you've been distancing yourself because you think I'm in love with you..."
"You are," Jane said firmly. Maura's head tilted as though she was considering the hypothesis.
"What evidence of that do you have?" Maura asked.
Jane laughed in disbelief. "You're always..." Jane paused, trying to remember how she'd noticed, when she'd realised. "You're always there for me," she said finally.
"That's what friends do. That's what you taught me friends do." Maura paused and licked her lips, not continuing, and Jane could feel the accusation as loudly as if Maura had said it out loud. Jane hadn't been there for Maura.
"You're always touching me," Jane added. Maura just looked down at her chest and then back up with an arched brow, and Jane panicked. Maybe she'd been wrong. Maybe Maura had just been like Jane - just in love with the idea of having someone all-in on who she was as a person. Someone who trusted and loved her. Maybe they really had been just friends all this time, and Jane had ruined it for nothing. But then she remembered the way Maura had screamed her name in the abandoned building filled with cops huddled around a bleeding teenager, the way she'd slumped to her knees to cradle Jane in her lap, sobbing as she held Jane, the way she snarled at the medics for trying to pull Jane from her arms, even though no one had done a medical assessment. She remembered the mask Maura had put on at the docks, the devastation Jane could see below the surface since she knew Maura so well. But Jane had done similar in the past - she'd cut Maura's leg open, the black blood, the smell of rotting flesh. She'd screamed when Hoyt touched Maura, rising up to kill him because he'd threatened the person Jane cared about most. She remembered not shooting Dennis because he held Maura too close, remembered catching Maura as she was flung forward, the way Maura had clung to her, the way she'd clung to Maura. They lived intense lives; it was reflected in their friendship.
"You used to..." Maura trailed off, and Jane knew what she'd been going to say. That Jane had started it. That it had been Jane that used to be unable to keep her hands off Maura.
"I just want you to be happy," Jane said. "And you need to move on, because I can't make you happy."
"You used to," Maura said quietly. "You still do, sometimes."
"I can't be with you. I like men."
"Okay." It wasn't a challenge, or a rebuff, or a denial. It was just resignation. Maura didn't point out Jane's flakey evidence or deny the claim either. But Jane felt as though Maura didn't believe her - that Maura wasn't in love with Jane, and she didn't think Jane liked men.
"I do," Jane said, aware that she sounded like she was whining. "If I liked women, I'd like you, and I don't so I can't."
"You do like me, don't you?" Maura asked, her voice quiet and unsure, and Jane could tell Maura wasn't asking about like-like or friends-friends, she was asking if Jane still even liked who Maura was as a person. She was asking if there was anything left worth scavenging from the wreckage of their friendship. Jane nodded wordlessly, seeing finally the damage she'd wrought to Maura, how deeply she'd hurt her. After all, even if Maura had a little crush, what would it have hurt Jane to indulge her a little? It would have hurt her less than this, to see how she'd torn down all the confidence she'd built in Maura, to see how uncertain Maura was again in her personal relationships. She'd thought, foolishly, that Maura had enough people in her life now that Jane could take a backseat without being obvious. But Maura was smart, too smart for her own good.
"I love you," Jane said again, aware she'd said it earlier, aware she hadn't said it before because she'd been worried about how Maura would take it - if she'd read too much into it, if she'd think it was a confession. And it wasn't, because Jane did love Maura, always would, but it was as a friend. As the kind of friend who came to her award dinners with her and lent her fancy dresses and fell asleep in her bed and let Jane touch her boobs and wanted to raise children with her. Maura didn't step closer, too wary now of being turned down for physical comfort, and Jane hated herself for what she'd done to her. "C'mere," Jane said, stepping forward herself to hold Maura. Maura accepted it willingly, for all that Jane was afraid she wouldn't, bringing her arms around Jane and holding her. Their hugs had been quick and awkward of late, and Maura must have anticipated that, releasing Jane as though she was going to pull away, and Jane's heart hurt again, pulling Maura tighter against herself. "I love you," Jane repeated. "But I can't be with you. I thought I was doing the right thing, giving you space to get over me so you could find someone else without me getting in the way. You would have gone with Jack if I hadn't been in the way, wouldn't you?"
"He didn't ask," Maura said, muffled against Jane's shoulder. Jane nodded. Jack had known Maura wouldn't leave, not for him. Maybe it would have been better if she had. Maura didn't address anything else Jane had said, and she was still tense in Jane's arms. Jane started to rub Maura's back. She used to be so familiar with this body, but the tension made Maura almost a stranger.
"You hate me, don't you?" Jane whispered. "I thought I was doing the right thing."
Maura relaxed a little. "I don't - I don't know how you could think that less of you in my life would ever be the right thing for me."
"Less kidnapping," Jane shrugged, expecting Maura to chuckle. She didn't. "Less complications."
"It's my life, Jane. You came into it so confident and then you crept away like you were ashamed to be seen with me."
"Is that really what you thought? God, Maura, I'm sorry. I'm ashamed of me, for not..."
"For not talking to me? Maybe I had a... a moment or two, where I could see my life with you. But tell me you haven't had the same moments."
"I have," Jane whispered honestly, and the last of the tension fled from Maura's body at those words, melted away at the admission, Jane almost stumbling to keep them upright as Maura's bodyweight rested against her. "I have, and it terrified me. I could never see myself with Casey, I could never picture our life together, but you, me, and the baby? Yeah. I wanted that. But I'm not... it's just domestic. It's just that we work together so well. And with TJ, I know you'll be a great parent, so I could see a different baby. With us. And then I lost it, I lost my future with you, I lost... I lost everything, and I couldn't let you hinge yourself on the nothing I was afterwards. The bridge... that was a choice. If I didn't live, you'd have had to let go of me."
"Oh, Jane," Maura said, "I wish you'd said something. I could have been there for you."
"You were," Jane pointed out. "And I haven't been here for you, have I? Making excuses for myself because I'm still lost. You've been hurt enough already, I was trying to make sure I didn't hurt you too."
"Not being with you hurts me," Maura admitted, and her fingers were tight now on Jane's ribs, digging in a little. Now that she had Jane in her grasp she wasn't letting go. "Putting distance between us without telling me why hurts me. You of all people know that. You've seen it happen over and over and you perpetuated the worst pattern in my life."
"I'm a coward," Jane admitted. "I didn't want to say anything in case... in case it wasn't true," Jane whispered. "In case it was just me."
"What are you saying?" Maura asked, and Jane let one hand cradle the back of Maura's head, finding the little scar at the base of her skull and tracing it the way she'd always wanted to.
"Maybe I was... projecting?" Jane asked, uncertain. "I like men, but I don't like men the way I like you."
"How do you like me?" Maura asked, and she was so soft and warm against Jane, she smelled so good and she was so kind and patient - even with Jane - and she was so Maura that Jane didn't have an answer.
"I like you," Jane said. She wanted to add that she liked Maura for all the things she'd done for Jane, on and off the job, for the way she laughed at Jane's jokes, for the way she'd learned to stand up for herself, for the way she made herself a safe space for other people, for the way Maura fit into Jane's life. She wanted to say she liked Maura's smile and mouth and clothes and smell. She wanted to say she liked waking up next to Maura, that Maura made her feel safe in the dark nights she spent in nightmares. She wanted to say that she liked that Maura let Jane see her without makeup, without armour, without clothes. "I like you, you never need to worry about that. I think you're a wonderful, kind, intelligent, generous woman, and I'm endlessly fascinated by your brain."
"So we're friends again?" Maura asked, her voice small and insecure, and Jane's arms tightened instinctively to protect her, even if what Jane was protecting Maura from was her own behaviour.
"We were always friends. You'll always be my friend," Jane said soothingly. "But I can't... I don't date women, so if that's..."
"Are you kidding me?" Maura asked, pulling away her eyes flashing dangerously. "You took one look at the box marked 'female' and you ran as far away as you could. You're hardly conforming to social gender norms."
"Huh?" Jane asked, surprised at where the anger was coming from.
"You touch my breast, tell me I'm in love with you, then tell me you pictured us as a family and then have the audacity - Jane! You work in a male dominated field. I've never seen someone so masculine in such a feminine body. You turn your nose up at what you perceive to be an aberation of sexuality, all the while living your life as much like a man as you can without bothering with a pronoun change."
"But - wh- what does that have to do with..."
"You're perfectly happy to smash the gender norms but as soon as your sexuality is in question you cling to the the status quo. If you really don't like women, why didn't you just say so? Why didn't you just tell me you weren't interested instead of spending four years fawning over me and three years pulling away? I'm not sitting around waiting for you to fall in love with me, I'm not expecting anything from you, I'm just existing, and I thought we were on the same frequency but one day you decide our friendship is too much - that I'm too much -"
"You're not," Jane interrupted her.
"Then why do you want so much less of me?" Maura asked, and she was still angry, but Jane could see she was close to tears.
"Because it was never enough," Jane whispered. "I wanted... I wanted more of you, I wanted all of you, and I'm not... I would never be enough for you."
Maura looked stunned, then back to anger, the sorrow melting away. She shoved Jane against the wall with a single finger.
"What about what I want, Jane?" Maura growled.
Maura couldn't believe it. All this time Jane had let Maura think there was something wrong with her, something that made Jane - her rock, her safe place - abandon her. And it had been Jane, all up in her head, telling herself that their relationship was too close, thinking she was being noble and releasing Maura back into the wild when in reality Maura was a canary without Jane - incredibly vulnerable to predators and unlikely to survive on her own in most urban settings. She'd just wanted Jane to take some responsibility for herself, to take care of herself - she hadn't been prepared for how it felt to finally have Jane's hand on her, to see Jane's eyes dilate as she reverently held the breast offered to her. It had been a struggle to stay standing, under a gaze like that, especially since the touch of Jane's hand had made her knees weak.
All this time, Maura had wondered what she'd done wrong, and she hadn't done anything wrong after all. Other than love her best friend too much, be too supportive of her. But she knew that wasn't all, she knew Jane was right - her deductive reasoning and evidence were both very weak, but her conclusion had been correct, now that Jane had said it out loud. Maura had been in love with Jane, for a very long time. And she'd never said anything, because Jane was her best friend, and wasn't that how best friends were? Maura had always loved Jane more than anyone, and that had been because Jane was her best friend. But now that Jane had said it, Maura knew she was right. Maura had seen her and Jane with the baby. Jane would have moved in, and it would be easier to just keep one bedroom with the crib, so they could both get up if needed. Although Maura would be working, so maybe Jane had planned on staying in her apartment with the baby and just dropping it off now and then. Jane had stipulated that Maura was only to care for the baby if anything happened to her. But Maura had wanted it to mean co-parenting, cohabiting. She'd wanted Jane in her home for such a long time. Now she knew why.
And now she had Jane pressed against a wall.
"What do you want?" Jane asked patiently. Maura knew Jane could kick her ass if she wanted - Maura could hold her own these days, but Jane knew how to restrain a perp, and she'd grapple until she had Maura down beneath her... Maura took a deep breath. She was too angry to have this conversation.
"I want to know..." Maura wanted to know a lot of things, primarily why Jane was so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And careless, thinking Maura wouldn't be hurt by her withdrawal. But Jane's eyes slid down to Maura's mouth, and without any appreciable input from Maura's brain she surged forwards and pressed her mouth against Jane's, all teeth and fury, another little growl coming from somewhere deep inside her, a keening howl of how unfair it had been, how hurt she had been.
And Jane's mouth opened softly, taking all of Maura's anger inside her and swallowing it, her hands coming up to grip Maura above her hips, welcoming her rage, inviting it in willingly, as though she deserved it, as though she wanted it. Maura bit Jane's offered lip, feeling the catch in Jane's breath, one of Jane's hands sliding down over the back of the borrowed shorts, another sliding up the back of Maura's loose cotton shirt. And the anger she'd needed to push her to do this faded, tamping down as Jane's lips moved against her own, as Jane melted easily into Maura's kiss, her tongue a warm but delicate visitor to Maura's mouth, cataloging Maura's teeth, finding Maura's own tongue and making a gentle introduction. Jane had slumped against the wall, and Maura finally brought her hands up, one on the gunshot wound, the other on the front of Jane's hip, then pulling them both away since they were in the way, since Maura wanted - no, needed - to be pressed against Jane.
When she pulled away, she had to catch her breath. Jane looked dazed.
"I want to know why, if you're straight, that was..."
"Amazing?" Jane offered a word. "Incomparable?"
"So gay," Maura finished. "For a straight woman, that was very gay."
"You kissed me first," Jane pointed out, not removing her hands from Maura's butt or her shirt.
"I never claimed to be purely heterosexual," Maura countered. "Very rarely is anything biological a clear cut binary."
It had taken seven years, but Maura had finally kissed her. Jane's heart was racing, her legs were unsteady and Maura looked flushed and disheveled and felt firm and strong under Jane's hands, which had wandered of their own accord. Jane felt a moment of triumph, before listening to what Maura had to say.
"I'm biological," Jane said. "And I don't date women."
"That doesn't mean you're straight. It just means you haven't dated women."
"There's women, Maura, and then there's you. You're a classification of your own." Maura rolled her eyes. "I told you, I'm a coward. It was easier to run and blame you for pushing me than to admit," Jane dropped her eyes, ashamed, "than to admit that I wanted this. That I wanted you. And I hurt you, and I'm sorry." Maura's face was unreadable, but she hadn't moved away or shrugged Jane's hands off of her. There was a twist of bitterness to her mouth, some resentment behind her eyes.
"You did hurt me," Maura admitted. "But you were right, even if I didn't know it until tonight. I was in love with you."
"Was?" Jane asked, panicked.
"Maybe it was a crush," Maura mused, looking like she was trying to analyse her feelings. "Since it was unrequited."
"It's requited," Jane blurted out. She'd avoided letting Maura kiss her all these years because she'd known she wouldn't be able to keep up the façade once she did. "I was in love with you too. I am in love with you."
Maura just nodded and stepped back, filling Jane's kettle and putting it on the stove.
"You should shower. Tea will be ready soon, then I need to turn in for the night."
Was that it? Just one kiss, and Maura was done with her? All these years of waiting and wanting only to be turned away now? She felt a flash of sympathy for what she'd been putting Maura through. She just peeled herself away from the wall and went upstairs.
Jane smelled clean when she came back down. She took her tea without looking at Maura. Maura didn't know what to do; she'd needed to think without Jane there, but she'd made space between them, space Jane could easily widen. She needed time to think. Jane's confession hadn't been surprising; there were two reasons Maura could think of that could have caused the rift between them: that Jane loved Maura too little, or that she loved Maura too much. The latter had been more logical. Jane sat at the table opposite Maura and fiddled with the mug.
"I can see now that I've been-"
"Rude? Inconsiderate? Thoughtless? Cruel?" Maura asked mildly, and Jane nodded sheepishly.
"I thought if I admitted it I'd be a different person, or you'd hate me, and I thought - you know I'm not good enough for you, Maura. I thought it would be better - easier - if I let you go."
"How am I supposed to survive without my best friend?" Maura asked. Jane flinched; it was all striking home now, just how deeply she'd hurt Maura. And Maura wished she was still angry enough to dig at that, to make Jane as hurt as Maura had been, but Jane had clearly been hurting too - her usually trim frame looked gaunt, and the dark circles under her eyes never truly faded. It had been exhausting, chasing after Jane. She'd given up, yet here Jane was. "I do need you. Not just to solve cases." She was cautious, waiting for Jane to run again, but Jane was worn out.
"I've missed you," Jane said. "Missed us. Together, outside work. Alone. I've missed being with you."
"I didn't go anywhere," Maura said.
"I know. I'm a jerk. The Catholicism in me says you have to abstain from anything good, and you are the goodest good. I'm not making sense. It was a short flight."
"A short flight, but a long day. If you want things do go back to how they used to be, that's on the table. But if you want to make further use of this shirt..." Maura quirked an eyebrow and Jane's eyes dropped to the words printed on it, then to the hard nipples pressed against the cotton.
"On the table?" Jane asked. Maura looked down. It was a small table, but she could make it work. "Yeah, I think I have something for you to inspect."
"Would they happen to be female boobs?" Maura asked, finally letting herself smile after a stressful evening. Jane just grinned wickedly, and Maura thanked the airport giftshop as Jane sprang across the table to close the distance between them.
Notes:
This was going to be just a fluffy breast inspection but they're too dark at this point of the show for a light-hearted fondle.
screening-testing/breast-self-exam-bse