MASH is the property of its' creators. Because I am writing in a way that I think the characters would write, I'm going to try and write in their "style." Please overlook spelling or grammar errors.
Dear Louise,
I have been very busy saving lives. I'm the best doctor, here – but Pierce and Hunnicut make a lot of nonsense. They'd be lost without me, let me tell you. Just the other day Colonel Potter saw that I was trying to paint rocks in the camp white – a military necessity. He said, "Burns, I don't know what we'd do without you."
Please continue to call my patients who still owe me money. You did a heck of a job before – got $1,700.00. But, just because I'm over here fighting the Red Menace doesn't mean that patients back home don't have to pay me.
I'm sending this letter on December 12th. You should get it before Christmas. That also means you can try and collect those medical fees except on Christmas, of course (unless you want to.)
It's very cold here in December, and I'm sure you have that, too, back in Fort Wayne. Did you get enough snow so that you and the kids could make a snowman? Please don't tell anyone, but that's something that always makes me happy.
Being a doctor in these conditions is very stressful. Pierce and Hunnicut don't take it seriously. They aren't as smart as they think they are. I'm the one who handles the tough cases, and also the one who makes sure things are going smoothly.
I should have been kept as Commanding Officer. Since that didn't happen, I think it was that they were intimidated by my skill, talent and ability to keep a level head. If the war goes on much longer, they might need another MASH or two – and I'll be ready to take command. I'd set a very strict military environment in my new job. Relaxation, gambling, drinking, playing football and that kind of nonsense will be eliminated. My staff will thank me for it. We're on a military base in a war, not a picnic back home.
I'm responsible for requisitions – like things for the Mess Tent such as Chocolate Pudding, Mashed Potatoes, etc. Like my father said, "Never spend too much – you'll wind up with too little." So, I make sure that I am under budget each month. Not that anyone appreciates it.
Corporal Klinger is a disgrace. He wears women's clothing in order to get a Section 8. And, Colonel Potter lets this happen. If I was Commanding Officer, Kilinger would be in the stockade.
I think Colonel Potter is too old and too soft at his job. I wanted mandatory early morning exercises to get people in shape. The Colonel told me that since people were often getting to bed around early morning, we need to let people rest up. We don't know when we'll be needed next, he stated. So, like many of the other really good ideas I've had to improve this place, he turned me down.
It's been at least a week since we've had Chocolate Pudding for dessert. I think we're getting that tomorrow. The army makes really good chocolate pudding.
I just heard the helicopters, which means we've got wounded coming in. Some will be very lucky if I'm their doctor. I just hope and pray that Pierce and Hunnicut don't mess things up. Or, Colonel Potter for that matter.
It's time for me to go to work.
I miss you and hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Please send me some pictures.
Sincerely,
Major Frank Burns