Voyages of the Wild Sea Horse

by rewind gone nuts

Becoming a pirate captain in a fantastical world was never in Ranma's life plans. But when magic strands him in the Grand Blue, he has no choice. With an impish wizard as a guide, Ryoga as his navigator, and a crew made of unwanted fiancees (plus Nabiki), Ranma sets out to find the One Piece and return to Nerima!

12. Chapter 12

Author's Notes:

Firstly, let me give a huge thank you to the good folks behind This Bites! - Without their generosity, this chapter could not have existed. I just hope they don't regret the decision in hindsight...

Secondly, I want to apologize for the massive delay in updates. Real life has just been cavalcade of disasters and mood-dampeners, but hopefully things will look up in the future.

Crescent Pulsar: Sorry, I forgot to reply to you in the author's notes of the last chapter. Basically, you're misreading the paragraph in question; what I intended to convey is that Ryoga can't help at all due to being P-chan, and whilst Ranma CAN help in female form, he's doing so at a handicap, because even if his female form is stronger than the other girls, he's still not operating at peak capacity. It's not that Ranma couldn't, or didn't, help, it's that he wasn't able to help as much as he could if he were male. That clear things up?

Curtis Wildcat: Yes, Sampson's Transponder Snail Shack is a shout out to This Bites!

O.W.E.N.E.W.O: As I explained in an early author's notes, whilst I will be generally tapping the various anime filler arcs, OAVs and movies, I will also be rejiggering them as I see fit. In this case, Apis and her island have been integrated with the villain from the very first One Piece film, as you'll see in the next couple of chapters.

FlameLord14: Well, that's something we'll both be finding out as we go along.

Dunedain: Yes, that was indeed a Tintin reference.

---

Chapter 12: Surf's Up! The 373rd Grand Octopree!

---

One of Apis' hobbies back on Warship Island was watching animals - and, by extension, people. Which had made the journeying aboard the Milka a little easier to take; she knew all too well that there were limits to how fast any ship could go, especially in the Grand Line, but that didn't make it any easier to be left looking for her own distractions. Fortunately, fate had provided her with more than half a dozen distractions in the form of the Kamikaze Pirates.

They really were nothing like any pirates that she'd ever heard of before. Oh, she knew abstractly that not all pirates were the same, even if she did tend to tune out Ol' Tom when he went on one of his drunken diatribes. Honestly, where did he even come up with nonsense-terms like "Peace Main" or "Morganeer" anyway? Still, that was abstract knowledge which had in no way prepared her for the reality of actually meeting the Kamikazes face to face.

First there was the captain himself, Ranma,... and Apis couldn't have imagined a more out-of-sorts example of the rank. It wasn't that he was a bad guy, in fact she found him surprisingly friendly, but it was clear he had no real idea of what he was doing and simply winging it as best he could. There was also the fact that at least three of the four women who made up the crew - and wasn't that a surprise? Women pirates! - were clearly interested in him, and she had her suspicions about the fourth... but he, in return, didn't revel in the attention like the strutting boys she knew back home did. If anything, he seemed uncomfortable with it.

First Mate Ryoga, on the other hand, was far less endearing. He was a miserable, grouchy fellow, who always seemed to be either sulking or in a bad mood. She had been scared out of her wits the first time she saw him just spontaneously attack Ranma, convinced he had gone mad or mutinous or some combination of the two - but, no, apparently beating each other into a bloody pulp was just how the two got on. In fairness to him, she never got the impression that he personally disliked her, he was just such a sourpuss that she preferred to avoid him on principle.

The only other member of the crew more standoffish than Ryoga was Umok, but the others assured her that was normal. It was clear that the strange little... whatever he was... had been the ship's outsider before Apis arrived, and her arrival had changed nothing about that. She was content to leave him alone, just like the rest.

Which left the women of the crew. Weirdly, though they all treated her well enough - Kodachi in particular seemed to find her fascinating, almost like a surrogate sister - they didn't really seem to like each other much. Even Apis could pick up on the tension when they interacted, and register the bitterness, snide comments and outright verbal sniping that seemed to punctate their meetings more often than not. Shampoo the cabbit Zoan and Ukyo, the ship's cook, were the only pair who fought nearly as often as Ranma and Ryoga did. Despite that, Shampoo was genuinely fun to be around, and even Ukyo tried to make Apis feel welcome. Kodachi? She was funny! She talked weird, but that just made her funnier, and she genuinely seemed like she was having fun, so Apis liked to hang out with her... okay, the laugh was a little grating, but Apis had heard worse.

...Okay, she'd heard almost as bad. Still, Kodachi was funny.

The one exception to the rule was Nabiki. For some reason, Apis just couldn't bring herself to fully trust her. There was just something about her that put the Whisper-Human on edge... a fundamental "eelishness" to her aura with just the hint of shark, a combination that made Apis instinctively want to stay away from her. She couldn't place why she felt that way; after all, Nabiki was openly dismissed as the weakest member of the crew.

"Oof!"

Case in point...

Apis winced as Nabiki hit the deck with an audible thump, the eldest of the crew lying sprawled on the timbers, staring up at the sky.

"...Ow," Nabiki slowly responded.

Kodachi sighed and shook her head in what almost looked like pity. "Still a long way to go, Miss Tendo."

"I hate all of you," was the flat response coming from the flattened quartermaster.

Seeing that Nabiki was evidently not going to be partaking further, instead stubbornly laying where she had fallen, Kodachi turned her attention to the other assembled women, flamboyantly snapping her whip.

"So, which of you has the courage to face my Buccaneer Style Ninjutsu?" she purred mockingly, smirking as she twirled her trusty weapon, its lash undulating in a blatant 'come on' signal.

"...Buccaneer Style Ninjutsu?" Ukyo repeated, looking like she'd bitten into not just a lemon, but a lemon with a worm in it.

"You mock, but dare you put your money where your mouth is, street vendor?" Kodachi shot back, smiling haughtily as she did so.

Ukyo rolled her neck until it cracked, then unslung her trusty spatula from where it hung across her shoulders. "Well, I suppose somebody needs to slap the stupid off of you, so I guess it might as well be me..."

She stalked out onto the deck, twirled her combat spatula, then snapped into a fighting pose. "Bring it on, rich girl!"

"Happy to oblige!" Kodachi barked, even as her whip lashed out, undulating through the air like a leathery tentacle. It snapped back and forth, striking at Ukyo's limbs, torso and face, but the crossdressing chef deftly deflected or dodged each blow, the wide, flat blade of her own unusual weapon making for a natural shield that she used to turn the lash before it could flay her flesh.

Apis cheered in excitement, unable to decide who to root for, and watched as the two teens clashed. They seemed evenly matched to her, but there was something odd... Ukyo seemed to be frowning harder with every attack of Kodachi's that she either dodged or deflected. As Kodachi began twirling her whip's lash in what Apis thought was a really cool horizontal spiral, that seemed to be the last straw for the ship's chef.

"Oh, come on! What happened to all that big talk you gave us before the Grand Line?!" Ukyo incredulously demanded.

"I have no idea what you're referring to, peasant," Kodachi haughtily shot back.

"That big speech you made about giving up on Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics! You've done nothing of the sort, ya big phony!"

"Whatever do you mean?" was the reply, Kodachi giving her opponent a confused look. If she was faking it, then as far as Apis was concerned, Kodachi was a veritable master at lying!

"Don't play dumb! Every move you've just used is one of your ribbon techniques!" Ukyo spat.

Kodachi smirked at Ukyo, and then cackled her signature laugh. Everyone except Ukyo instinctively grabbed for their ears, and only pride mixed with the fact she was in the middle of a spar kept Ukyo from doing the same.

"Oh, you poor ignorant dear... I said that I was abandoning the restrictions of Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics, I never said anything about abandoning the style! I am reinventing what works of my old style for this new arena, and supplementing it with new techniques that would never have passed muster in a formal competition..."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Ukyo drawled.

Kodachi smirked darkly, her free hand suddenly vanishing from view, only to reappear clutched around a sword.

"Such as this!" she cried, lunging forward, her blade glinting in the sunlight as it arced through the air towards Ukyo...

Who deftly snapped up her spatula and parried it with a clash of steel on steel. She sneered at Kodachi and jabbed with her own weapon, spitting, "Oh, like that's really such a change from the stunts you've pulled!"

The air filled with the cracking of Kodachi's whip, the clamor and clatter of steel on steel, and a chorus of feminine cries and pants. Back and forth they dueled, Kodachi alternating between getting in close and backing away depending on which of her weapons she wanted to use, whilst Ukyo did her best to get close enough to bring the reach and cudgeling power of her spatula to good use.

The two were, frankly, surprisingly evenly matched, and the spar could have gone either way... until a voice like an angry god roared down from the crow's nest...

"Land ahoy off the port bow!"

Right at that moment, Ukyo and Kodachi locked blades... well, so to speak... glaring into each other's eyes as they struggled to press the advantage, clashing with will as well as muscle.

"Come on, Ucchan, 'Dachi! It's a draw! We got work to do!" Ranma shouted at them.

Ukyo grimaced, her eyes flicking towards her childhood friend and reluctant fiance, before she resumed glaring into Kodachi's eyes. "Next time, witch, you'll get yours."

"My, such vivid dreams you have," Kodachi giggled mockingly, her spritely words belied by the ice in her gaze.

Still, the two broke their hold and hurried to join Ranma and the others in staring over the railings at the latest island they had arrived at.

...Correction; that should have been islands. Dozens of tiny islands of bare sand, no more than a few feet across at their largest, sprawled before them like a patchwork quilt made of ocean and land.

"The Devil's Flume! We're close to Warship Island - this is the second-to-last stop!" Apis cried out gleefully.

"Charming name," Kodachi observed, with surprisingly little sarcasm.

"It's mostly reefs, rocks and scattered outcrops, but there is an island at the other end of it," Apis explained, pointing across the gunwale. Sure enough, if the martial artists of the crew stared hard enough, they could just make out a small island, little more than a smear on the horizon.

"The trick is, those sandy islands? They're actually just shoals - loose sand covering up outcrops of rock or coral. It's really easy to get stuck or bust up your ship if you're not careful sailing in there," Apis continued.

"Nice job, Apis - that could have been a nuisance. Kodachi, grab the wheel," Ranma declared, shifting naturally from praising their temporary shipmate to issuing commands.

Apis grimaced and hesitantly held up her hand, just one finger extended. "Ah... there's something else about the Devil's Flume, but I can't remember what it is... something that happens once a year..."

And that was when, in what couldn't have been timed better if it was deliberate, the ocean before the Milka began to churn and heave, the waves growing white with a heavy carpet of foam as something disturbed the water from deep below. The Kamikaze Pirates weren't looking out that way, so they didn't spot the bubbling waters... but they felt it when the displacement began to hit their ship with all the subtlety of a brick to the face.

"Seaquake!" Ukyo yelped, nearly falling over before she grabbed a nearby rope for stability.

Chaos reigned over the ship as the martial artists turned pirates simultaneously wrestled to keep their vessel from being overturned by the waves now battering their hull whilst also maintaining their balance. Whether through beginner's luck or genuine skill, they succeeded in both of these tasks, and soon the waves gentled once more, reduced to merely slapping against the Milka's sides rather than threatening to knock it clean over.

On the deck, Ranma heaved a sigh of relief. "Glad that's over... stupid Grand Line weather..."

"That wasn't the weather, Captain Darling!" a shocked Kodachi blurted out.

"It wasn't? What are you talking..." even as he was asking this, Ranma turned to follow Kodachi's dumbfounded gaze, and when he saw what had transfixed his crew, his jaw nearly hit the deck.

"...Wow. That is the biggest turtle I've ever seen," he dumbly announced.

"It's bigger than that stupid animatronic from that dump obstacle course we got suckered into," Ryoga agreed, nodding absently even as he stared at the chelonian form calmly sitting atop the waves before them.

But it wasn't just the sight of a monstrously massive turtle that had the group staring in awestruck wonder. In their journey so far, they had encountered what the locals called "Sea Kings", and even killed a few of the smaller ones. A turtle the size of an island was odd, but nothing really groundbreaking. But what separated this turtle from the Sea Kings... was that there was a city built onto its back.

"...Anybody getting flashbacks to history class?" Nabiki asked, a slight trace of hysteria underlying her words.

For that was what really made the city on the turtle's back stand out. The architecture could have come straight from a historical text book... except that it had been adapted to use oceanic materials. Intricately styled growths of coral abounded, taking the place of sakura trees and bonsai, whilst the buildings were fashioned from seafloor stone, sunken ships, and shells by the millions. It glittered proudly in the sun, water still visibly sluicing down from stone roofs in the wake of its emergence from the depths of the sea.

But this was no ancient ruin... it was a thriving metropolis. Just... not a human metropolis.

"...Is octopus okonomiyaki a thing?" Shampoo asked absent-mindedly.

"I wouldn't call it a specialty, but I can definitely make it work," Ukyo replied in the same frame of mind.

For thronging the streets of this newly revealed city were legions upon legions of octopi. They ranged in size from tiny little bundles of tentacles the size of a baseball to great masses of cephalopodian flesh the size of small bears. Squids dressed in what looked almost like kuroko outfits, cuttlefish and huge nautiluses could be spotted amidst the throng, but octopi were definitively the majority. Most went about au naturel, but a significant minority carried trappings of civilization - from pouches fashioned from seaweed and coconut shells to what looked for all the world like otome, the traditional Noh theatrical masks. In particular, large octopi wearing samurai helmets and carrying naginatas could be seen patrolling the drenched streets like a police force.

"...The Great Octopus Shogunate..." Apis breathed in a half-whisper, staring wide-eyed at one of her village's legends come to life.

"O...kay. Not the weirdest thing we've ever seen," Ranma slowly conceded.

"I'm more worried if it's the safest thing we could be seeing," Nabiki drawled.

"The stories in my village say that the Great Octopus Shogunate are peaceful unless provoked," Apis meekly interjected.

"They might be, but I can't say the same for them! Ships approaching fast from the rear!" Umok called down from his crow's nest perch.

As one, the Kamikazes twisted around, and Ranma scowled thunderously.

"Where the heck did they come from?!" he demanded indignantly. As well he might. The teens from Nerima were still nowhere near expert sailors, but the fact that two sailing ships had crept up on them was still beyond the pale!

The first ship was a caravel, like their own Milka, with a fairly generic smiling mermaid figurehead and a merchantman's flag. Far more noticeable was the second ship, and this was clearly a pirate's vessel.

After all this time on the waves, Ranma still personally couldn't have told you the difference between a cutter, a schooner and a clipper, but even he could recognize that this new vessel, with its narrow, leaf-shaped profile, high hull and sharply pointed prow and stern, was built with speed and maneuverability in mind. Its triple sails caught the wind and sped it through the water, underneath a flapping Jolly Roger whose design took Ranma by surprise: a skull and crossbones, but instead of the crossed bones, there were two sharply pointed oval shapes that Ranma took a moment to recognize...

"Are those surfboards?!" an incredulous captain demanded.

"It takes all kinds, I guess," Ryoga muttered.

Ranma just shook his head, as much to refocus his attention as to dismiss the topic. "Shampoo, Ucchan; run and grab some cannonballs! Kodachi, get ready to steer us out of fire! Nabiki, Apis, you go and hide! Ryoga, start getting miserable!"

"I can't just turn it on like a tap!" Ryoga barked in protest, then blushed in embarrassment at the incredulous looks the other Nerimans gave him in response.

Before the Kamikazes could scramble to obey Ranma's orders, however, a sudden chorus erupted from the octopus city atop the island-turtle. The six teenagers (and two stowaways) instinctively turned their attention to the city, watching as choirs of octopi brandishing shells like wind-instruments began playing in sequence. The music led their eyes upwards, towards the city's peak; the tallest of the pagodas, a glittering edifice of red and white, topped by a huge golden carving of an octopus bearing a clamshell balcony in its tentacles. Now the wind-instruments were undercut by the pounding of a drum, the beats rolling like thunder to the point that the watching pirate crew could feel the impacts shaking their very bones.

Attention fixated on the stage and the source of the drumbeats - a massive taiko drum being pounded from both sides by almost human-sized octopi clad in traditional hachimaki - the Kamikazes were oblivious to the other three ships pulling up along their sides. They would have been sitting ducks... but all eyes were fixed on the balcony as the shōji leading into the interior slid apart.

From within what was obviously some kind of palace emerged a pair of the biggest octopi seen so far, clad in samurai helmets and wielding naginatas. The octo-guards strode-slithered out onto the balcony in perfect unison, glaring down at all beneath them before being joined by a third figure.

This octopus was much smaller - a body about the size of a basketball, with maybe eight-foot long arms. But its vibrant purple-tinged red skin, almost glowing green eyes, prominent X-shaped scar and even the kabuki helmet it was wearing, which looked like a stylized golden octopus in its own right, all commanded attention. Staring imperiously down across the city and at the ships now floating at its proverbial gates, the octopus flung out four tentacles in a grandiose gesture, causing the musicians to fall silent. Then its tentacles began to twirl and twist in the air, twining through a series of sinuous gestures.

"...Anybody have the faintest idea what's going on?" Ranma asked, to a collective shaking of heads and shrugging of shoulders from his crew.

"His royal highness, the Great and Honorable Shogun Octavio, Lord Regent of the fabled Great Octopus Shogunate, welcomes one and all to this, the 373rd holding of the Grand Octopree. On this day, the greatest of the Shogunate come to the Devil's Flume to compete in the ultimate test of their skills. And, in the spirit of brotherhood and a recognition of the love of the waves that binds all peoples on and under the water, outsiders are permitted to partake in this sacred event," Apis replied calmly.

Her temporary hosts turned to her with expressions of mingled gratitude and amazement.

"Wow, that Whisper-Whisper Fruit comes in handy," Ukyo whistled.

"The Grand Octopree? Whatever kind of ceremony is that?" Kodachi mused.

"Well, Apis? What's he saying now?" Ranma asked, nudging the Whisper-girl.

She blinked and then furrowed her brow as she concentrated. "Um... bunch of the usual pre-festival patriotic gibberish... uphold the honor of your ancestors, blah-blah-blah..."

Ranma shook his head and clicked his tongue. "Well... pity we can't stay for the festivities, but we have to keep going."

A chorus of groans emanated from his crew at his declaration.

"Come on, Ranma! We've been sailing for days now!" Ryoga complained.

"Yeah, because we're trying to get to Apis' island so we can free her friends, or have you forgotten?" Ranma shot back, eliciting an expression of equal parts rage and shame from his rival turned first mate.

"Actually... you might as well compete," Apis sighed forlornly.

"What?!" a confused Ranma blurted.

The Whisper-Whisper girl grimaced before explaining, "Of all the islands between where you found me and my home, the Devil's Flume takes the longest to acclimatize to. The Log Pose won't reset until we've been here for at least a week..."

"A week?!"

Apis winced at the shocked, incredulous expressions surrounding her.

"You have to be joking!" Ryoga protested, to which the young Devil Fruit user shook her head.

"...Well, in that case, we might as well take some shore leave. Maybe we might even compete in this Grand Octopree... what is it, anyway?" Ranma asked, idly.

Before Apis could answer, Shogun Octavio finished his gesticulating and let out a series of warbling hoots, whooping through his siphon before exultantly snatching up something that had previously been obscured behind the rim of the balcony and brandishing it over his head for all to see.

A sea-quivering roar of hooting and whooping filled the air as the collective cephalopods waved, shimmering myriad colors and many of them brandishing the same object held over their shogun's squishy head... surfboards.

Silence reigned on the Milka before Ranma spoke for them all.

"What the hell?!"

---

Shortly thereafter...

---

"Do you think that's uncomfortable?" Ranma asked casually.

"Why would you think a giant turtle feels anything?" Nabiki asked in disbelief.

"Hey, turtles have feelings too!" an indignant Apis protested.

The source of their discussion was the Great Octopus Shogunate's docks; a spar of carefully sculpted coral and barnacles jutting out from the rear of the giant turtle their nation had been built upon. It had been shaped to grant the oversized chelonian's tail at least some freedom of motion, growing up over the rear half of its upper shell into an elaborate staircase that led to the city high above.

Even as some of them discussed it, Kodachi was confidently steering the Milka towards it, and within a few minutes they had docked. With what Ranma was privately pleased to note was considerable confidence, they tied themselves securely to the dock and were promptly heading up the steps to the city beyond.

At the very summit of the steps, however, was a great gate, barred by two of the giant, naginata-and-kabuto-toting octopuses that they had spied from afar. The two squishy warriors crossed their weapons and hooted through their siphons, their free tentacles waving in an intricate dance.

"They said that we need to go and see His Majesty Octavio first, before we will be allowed to enter the city properly," Apis translated, even before her party's eyes fell expectantly on her.

Ranma nodded his thanks to her before turning his attention back to the guards. "I am Captain Ranma Saotome, and on my honor, we will go straight to the shogun."

That seemed to placate the guards, who uncrossed their naginatas and tapped them ceremonially on the ground, the echoing clacks evidently the signal for unseen operators to swing the gates open and permit the Kamikaze Pirates access to the Grand Octopus Shogunate.

The Shogunate was even more fantastical up close and personal, now that they were able to appreciate it properly. The city was, mercifully, dry enough not to trigger the Jusenkyo Curses of Ranma or Ryoga, and certainly not wet enough to impede Shampoo or Apis, but there was a definite feeling of dankness in the air, fed by countless small pools and ponds and canals that seemed to exist largely to offer a quick refreshing moisture bath to the native cephalopods during their stint on the surface. Gargoyle-like designs on the roofs carefully concealed fountains and downspouts, and it was obvious that the denizens of the city could create their own artificial rainstorm at will if they deemed it necessary.

Everywhere they looked, there were octopi. They passed street vendors selling dishes made from all manner of raw seafood, children playing their incomprehensible octopus games, octopus "maidens" toting ornate umbrellas and twirling them in what seemed to be flirtatious gestures at their male counterparts, small octopi walking crabs and lobsters as if they were dogs, and of course the omni-present samurai-themed guards. And equally everywhere, there were signs of surfing; statues, mosaics, actual octopi polishing boards or engaging in heated "discussion" of surfing esoterica - even the odd cephalopodian fistfight broke out as they went past.

In fact, they had to stop at one point as a brawl of maybe half a dozen octopuses bounced past, tentacles slapping meatily against their rubbery hides and siphons hooting like a drunken pack of monkeys trying to be an all-bicycle horn band. Nobody else batted an eye, so the Kamikazes simply waited for the squirming bundle of flesh to bounce itself out of the road before they went on their merry way.

Onward and upward they went, climbing the hill-like surface of the turtle's shell through the winding streets. Finally, they reached the shogun's palace at the very pinnacle of the turtle's back, where two huge octopus guards sat in shallow ponds full of salt water, clutching their naginatas and watching the approaching humans with a cool, calculating gaze.

Stepping to the fore, Ranma took a quick breath to help him dig down and project as much confidence as possible. "I am Captain Ranma Saotome of the Kamikaze Pirates! I wish to speak to Shogun Octavio!"

The guards didn't even blink. Instead, they gesticulated lazily with their seven free arms.

"His majesty will see you in the throne room, which can be found in the tallest chamber of the palace. Do not attempt to deviate from the path to the throne room, or you will be punished," Apis translated.

As one, the Kamikaze Pirates looked up at the palace... the palace that towered over their heads like a small mountain, and then glanced wordlessly at each other. Nobody dared to say it, but they all knew they were thinking the same thought.

'This is gonna suck...'

---

One winding, torturous hike upwards later...

---

"Why...huff...why do octopi have a palace with so many stairs?!" Nabiki lamented, in between gasping for breath. Sweat dripped down her features, flushed red with exhaustion, and she was so tired from climbing the circuitous, stair-heavy route upwards that she didn't even care she was clinging to Ranma for support that she didn't think her treacherously jelly-like legs would give her.

'I haven't felt this awful since...! Since... the last training session with Ranma...'

Nabiki ruthlessly squashed the treacherous little worm of a thought that dared to whisper a speculation about what kind of condition she would be in without her recent experiences under Ranma's (training) torturous excursions into hell. She did manage to take a little satisfaction in the fact that the other girls were almost in the same boat as she was. Oh, they weren't in as bad a shape as she was, but watching Ukyo and Kodachi panting softly with exertion and wiping sweat from their faces made her feel a little less bad about herself. The only girls not tired from the hike were Apis, who had been riding on Shampoo's shoulders since the third floor, which had been about twenty seven floors ago, and Shampoo herself.

'Stupid cheating Zoan fruits...' three teenage girls thought in unison.

"Anyone else get the feeling we were being led around in circles?" Ryoga grumbled.

"How would you even tell?" Ukyo drawled sarcastically.

Ryoga growled and flashed her a dirty look, before Ranma swept a hand through the air in a dismissive gesture.

"Enough! Come on, catch yer breaths and let's pull it together - the shogun is just behind these doors and we want to make a good impression," the fledgeling pirate captain declared.

"Since when do you care about things like that?" Nabiki wondered aloud.

"Hey, I'm not some kinda barbarian, ya know?!" Ranma protested indignantly.

"I seem to recall you had to be dragged kicking and screaming into our first meeting..." Nabiki playfully observed.

Ranma blushed faintly and shot back, "That wasn't my decision, it was the old man who - hey!"

He glared at Nabiki, who was now openly giggling at him, before his gaze slid off of her to the other girls, who were fighting to keep the amusement off their own faces. He bit back some irritated mutterings, took a breath to steel himself, then turned his back to his erstwhile crew and flung open the twin doors with their golden octopus designs so he could stride boldly into the throne room.

"Gah!"

And at once found himself drenched from head to toe in cold seawater, which poured ceaselessly from spouts in the roof as if he'd walked into a gigantic public shower. A gentle susurrus of water in motion filled the air, a thick, salty mist of spray ensuring the chambers were damp and dank, perfect for a moisture-loving cephalopod. Larger streams of water poured from ornate spout-sculptures in the walls, filling an array of ornately shallow basins that lined the walls in imitation of rows of parliament benches, creating an ankle-high pool of water on the floor that disappeared down surreptitious drains.

At the far end of the throne room was, of course, the throne itself: a massive sculpture of an octopus intricately woven from still-living coral, tentacles shaped to form a protective cup in whose waters the cephalopodian shogun could lazily wallow, watching the intruders into its domain from utmost octopedean comfort.

Not that Ranma was paying particular attention, being rather more focused on wiping the dampness from his - now her - eyes and cursing like the proverbial sailor. A phrase the irony of which she was in no position to appreciate.

Ryoga, more paranoid than his captain, had tried to leap backwards as the torrential downpour from within had exploded out through the opened doors, but that just meant he had managed to transform with most of his clothes on the comparatively dry exterior floor, rather than having to fight his way free of soaking wet clothes sinking into ankle-deep water. Not that the boy-turned-pig appreciated his good fortune, given the way he was grunting up a storm of porcine profanities that had Apis blushing even as she noted down some of the choicer ones for later.

Having vented her spleen, Ranma sighed in exasperation, drew herself up to her full (diminutive) height, and attempted to resume her original imperious stride into the throne room. Behind her, the other girls glanced at each other uncertainly, but pride and stubbornness compelled them to follow, even as noses wrinkled and brows furrowed in distaste at the feeling of water soaking through their clothes. Ryoga sat on the door's threshold, watching them slosh through the water and trying to make up his mind. Finally, pride won out and he jumped into the, to him, oversized swimming pool, piggy-paddling his way through the water at an impressive pace until he was to catch up to Ranma... who absently reached down and snatched him up before tucking the pig under her arm like a ball.

Stopping at what she guessed to be the appropriate spot before the shogun's throne, with her crew stopping several steps further back, Ranma bowed politely to the monarch of all octopi.

"Greetings, your majesty, Shogun Octavio! I am Captain Ranma Saotome, leader of the Kamikaze Pirates, and I thank you for granting us permission to land on your island," Ranma began, trying to sound properly respectful.

Admittedly, nobody ever seemed to respond to his efforts, but at least he would make the effort!

Shogun Octavio, now partially draping over the rim of his bowl-like throne for a better view, lazily gestured with six of his tentacles.

Apis nudged Shampoo closer to Ranma, bending forward to all but whisper into the transformed captain's ear. "He says; his guards told him that the leader of the Kamikaze Pirates was a man, so who are you to claim that name and position."

"Tell him it's a curse - pesky magical weirdness from my homeland," Ranma responded, never taking her eyes off of the shogun's own.

More gesticulations ensued, and Apis hastily explained, "He can understand your words just fine, he just can't speak Human in return."

"Oh. Well, that makes this a lot easier. Anyway, we were just passing through, we don't want any trouble, but we were hoping we could take shore leave on your island," Ranma explained.

Colors flashed and skins shifted texture as the collective octopi, squids and cuttlefish reacted to Ranma's bluntly worded request, but the shogun himself seemed unphased - amused, if anything. Once more, he began to gesture with his tentacles in the silent language of his people, with Apis translating smoothly.

"He says that the Great Octopus Shogunate is always open to those who are willing to cross paths peacefully... but he warns you that if this is a ruse, he will feed your remains to the crabs."

"Well, that's only fair," Ranma shrugged.

"Are you interested in partaking in the Grand Octopree?"

"Well... not really sure yet... just what is the Grand Octopree, anyway?" Ranma asked.

"Every year, the Great Octopus Shogunate holds a contest, where the elite of our people's surfers race each other through the waves and shoals of the Devil's Flume to reach Angel's Isle at its far end."

"Huh. Neat," Ranma observed.

She blinked as she felt somebody tap her on the shoulder, twisting around to stare into the three-eyed visage of Umok, who whispered in her metaphorical ear.

"If I may, Captain, I would advise that we participate. Events such as this are a veritable feast of passion, desire, will and strife... just the thing I need to start replenishing my strength..."

A many-forked tongue the color of bleached bone slithered into view from the gloom that shrouded the wizardly imp's, dripping with saliva as it scythed across unseen lips.

"...I thought that restoring you was why we're going after One Piece?" Ranma asked, suspicious of (and a little grossed out) by the imp's behavior.

"The One Piece will assuredly restore my powers to their full glory, but that doesn't mean we should turn down opportunities when they fall into our lap..." Umok smoothly replied.

Unseen by the pair, Nabiki stepped forward, emboldened by the shogun's placidness in the face of Ranma's... well, Ranmaness.

"Your majesty, before we answer, might I ask what the winner of this prestigious contest will receive in recognition of their accomplishment?" the Kamikaze's quartermaster asked, putting on her most seductive tone as she did - the one a guy had compared to audible honey, before she'd found out he just wanted to get her into bed and she'd bled him dry of a year's worth of pocket money and dumped his ass.

The octopus shogun hooted a distinctive series of tones through his siphon, and small, black-clad squid pulled at a nearby wall, which slid apart in the manner of the traditional fusuma to reveal a dais on which sat a veritable mountain of pearls; gleaming in not just the traditional white, cream and gray, but also in a spectacular array of purple, black, pink, green, champagne, chocolate, blue and lavender hues, even with multicolored specimens speckled amongst the pile. They spilled out of sturdy-looking seachests, and if they failed to glitter in the light in the manner of gold coins, it wasn't for lack of trying.

"He'll do it!" Nabiki screamed at the top of her lungs, eyes almost bulging from their sockets in her eagerness to drink in every beautiful inch of that mountain of wealth, a river of saliva starting to spill from the corners of her mouth as she began to march towards the pearls, arms outstretched and hands clutching at thin air... right up until Shampoo crossly grabbed her by the back of her neck and bodily dragged her back in line.

"Don't go volunteering your captain!" Ranma indignantly screeched back at her.

"He's right; show a little restraint, Nabiki Tendo," Kodachi chided her, sniffing haughtily (and then regretting it when the saltwater got up her nose and made her sneeze).

A soft chorus of hoots and whoops made it obvious that the collective cephalopods were laughing at Nabiki. Ranma bit back a sigh, and instead tried to look like she was in charge again, knowing that it didn't work. "Well, anyway, we are interested in competing, your majesty. What are the rules?"

Shogun Octavio gesticulated once more, with Apis turning his thoughts into words.

"The Grand Octopree will be held tomorrow, so that you may have today to prepare yourselves. You must decide how many of your crew will be participating and formally sign in to the tourney at dawn. Until then, you may eat, drink and buy whatever you need from my land's merchants."

"Thank you, yer highness. That's really generous of you... we'll get out of your... tentacles, I guess," Ranma shrugged, then bowed formally once again before leading her crew out of the throne room - Nabiki having to be dragged along by Shampoo, whimpering as the pearls were concealed behind their protective doors once more.

As the doors to the throne room were closed behind the departed pirates, Councilor Augustus began signing to his liege. "Is your majesty certain we should allow such ruffians to join our sacred competition?"

"There have been far worse than the likes of them to set foot on our island in the past. I find them amusing," Shogun Octavio replied, adding a siphon-hoot of approval for emphasis.

---

Shortly thereafter...

---

"How is it that there ain't a drop of hot water to be found on this whole damn island?!" a redheaded girl snarled, normally pleasant features twisted with equal parts exasperation and rage.

"In fairness, darling, this is a community of octopi; I strongly suspect they have very little to do with fire in general," Kodachi sagely pointed out from her position across the table.

"Besides, aren't you likely to enter the Grand Octopree as a girl, anyway? It's not really like you can surf without getting wet," Nabiki pointed out from her position at Ranma's right.

"Fine, fine, I'll leave it until we get back to the ship," Ranma sulkily declared.

"Speaking of the Grand Octopree, who's entering, anyway?" Ukyo interjected, before taking an experimental sip at the complimentary cup of seaweed squash that they had all been given upon deciding to take a seat at this restaurant. As soon as the dark green, almost black liquid touched her tongue, she gagged and spat, eyes popping in shock. Casting a dirty look at her mug, she placed it firmly on the table, as far away from her as she could reach.

"Well, obviously, I'm entering! I happen to be a pretty good surfer, as I'm sure you girls remember," Ranma boasted, grinning cockily and jabbing a thumb at herself.

"You did like to shred the waves when we were stranded at sea during the Ryugenzawa incident," Ukyo admitted absently, images of a midriff-baring sleeveless shirt and simple shorts, both soaked through and clinging to the ample curves beneath intruding on her mind's eye.

"...You really do not do a girl any favors for trying to remember that she's straight, do ya, Ranchan?"

She hadn't realized she was speaking aloud, but unfortunately for Ukyo, even if she was just whispering to herself, she'd forgotten a certain aspect of Shampoo's new condition as a Jusenkyo-cursed Zoan. She got a reminder when the Chinese Amazon cabbit-girl gave her a conspiratorial nudge in the ribs, and Ukyo's confused glance met the hybrid's own salacious smirk.

"Just picture what he look like as boy with no top on," Shampoo whispered back to her, new buckteeth bared in her grin as flames burned in Ukyo's cheeks.

"So, China Girl, are you going to enter? Show off what your new bunny powers can do?" Nabiki asked, inadvertently interrupting the stare between the truest rivals amongst the female contingent of the Kamikaze Pirates.

Turning to face Nabiki, Shampoo shook her head. "No; Shampoo is mountain girl. Never really learn how to surf..."

"Besides, she's got a Devil Fruit! If she falls off, she'll sink to the bottom of the ocean and drown!" Apis interjected. "What about you, Miss Nabiki? Won't you enter?"

"Me?! As if! No, I will be doing the sane thing and staying on dry land through this contest. But don't worry, I'll be betting on you to win... or at least to lose in a hilarious fashion..."

"Gee, you're all heart, Nabiki," Ranma dryly drawled.

Nabiki just smirked at her captain in response.

Kodachi feigned a demure cough, drawing the table's attention to her. "As it so happens, my father was adamant that I learn to surf, and I continued to take lessons even during his absence. Ranma darling, I wish to compete at your side in the Grand Octopree."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, that makes sense," Ranma blurted, traitorous tongue defaulting to autopilot once more in her distracted state. 'Huh, yeah, I guess that makes sense... the Hawaiian nutcake was always bonkers for everything about Hawaii, and that meant anything beach-related...'

"Hey, I spent years training against the raging seas - I'm gonna compete too!" Ukyo interjected fiercely, spurred on by wounded pride.

"I got no objections, Ucchan. Alright, Umok 'n' Ryoga definitely won't partake -"

"Standing on solid ground is obscene," the imp declared, with genuine venom in his voice.

"-Not gonna touch that. Anyway, we're settled on that, so let's get on with the real reason we're here - ordering lunch!" Ranma declared, rubbing her hands together excitedly.

Nabiki scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Of course that's what you really care about... I'm surprised you didn't consider marrying Picolet Chardin for the food..."

Ranma visibly paled in disgust, a shiver rippling from her spine out through her whole body. "...Never say that again. Stupid pops..."

The rest of the table's occupants stared between the Saotome and Tendo heirs in confused fascination, but neither the smirking Tendo nor the scowling Saotome seemed inclined to elaborate on the topic. They just stared into each other's eyes, Ranma's gaze wrathful as Nabiki's was amused, before Ranma finally gave up and turned sharply away, going to the menu placed over the restaurant's main serving bar.

As she read through the options - written in the weird Japanese-like language that passed as the lingua universalsis of this strange world - she stopped and blinked sharply. "Hey, what's the Fifteen Dozen Club?"

When there was no immediate response, Ranma frowned and reached out to poke Apis in the forehead, the youngest member of the group startling as she realized the transformed pirate captain had been talking to her. Blinking rapidly, she hastily transferred her gaze to the octopus behind the counter, brow furrowing as she invoked the power of her Devil Fruit. Once the brief mental communique was finished, she slowly responded, uncertainty in her voice.

"Uh... it's a special challenge that this restaurant offers; if you can eat one hundred and eighty oysters in an hour or less, you get the meal for free and will be immortalized on the trophy wall as a member of the Fifteen Dozen Club..."

"Oh, really?" Ranma perked up, a contemplative look blossoming on her face.

Nabiki audibly scoffed at Ranma's intrigued expression. "As if you'd manage to qualify..."

"Hey! I ain't the old man, but I got a pretty healthy appetite too!" Ranma protested.

"Then why was it you went up against Picolet Chardin and lost?" Nabiki replied sweetly, a smirk on her lips.

"I won the second time!" Ranma indignantly shot back.

"Only by cheating with a move that lets you slip your food to your opponent," Nabiki countered, still looking smug.

"Issat a challenge?!" the faux-girl barked.

"If you're brave enough..." Nabiki sweetly declared.

"Oh, it's on! Waiter! I wanna join the Fifteen Dozen Club!" Ranma snarled, fiery gaze fixating on the nearest server, who visibly jolted in shock at Ranma's attitude.

Throughout this exchange, Kodachi had been watching both parties, attention shifting from Ranma to Nabiki and back as they bickered. It was a sight that had set her mind spinning, as she mentally pieced together the implications.

'Ranma darling has always had a healthy appetite, and a corresponding appreciation for good food... but could it be that a similar appetite is one of the qualities he would consider desirable in a mate? He did champion Nabiki Tendo after her gluttonous feat on the sea restaurant Baratie... yes, it makes sense! Ohh, that little witch; it was bad enough that her sister would exploit my beloved so, but now this mercenary dares to prey upon my beloved's weaknesses to wrap him around her unworthy finger?! The Black Rose will not stand for this!'

"Wait! I, too, wish to partake in this challenge!" Kodachi blurted out, causing the eyes of the table to snap to her in shock.

'What is she doing?! Miss Upper Crust, stuffing herself with oysters?! Wait... this is some sort of scheme to impress Ranchan, ain't it? But that's crazy! But... she's not as dumb as she seems... an' if she thinks it could work... I can't let her get ahead of me!'

"Me too!" Ukyo cried, waving her hand for added attention and causing the collective weight of the startled gazes to shift her way.

'And now Ukyo as well? Strange... there must be a deeper purpose behind this... of course! The two of them are plotting to try and seduce my husband! ...It seems a bizarre ploy to me, but if both of them believe there is merit to this plan, then I cannot allow them to try and take the advantage from me!'

"Shampoo also compete!" the cabbit girl hissed loudly, eyes gleaming in a fashion that sent a shiver of fear down the tentacles of any cephalopod that was looking her way.

Ranma was openly gawping at her self-proclaimed would-be brides, trying to process what she had just heard. '...When did they turn into Martial Arts Diners?! What the hell's goin' on, since when do they eat like that?! ...Wait... they're competing over me again! ...Well, I guess it beats a threeway brawl... especially if I'm not going to get caught in the middle. Still don't know why they'd think this is the best way to compete... be kind of funny to see, though...'

Nabiki, on the other hand, was watching the show and grinning like the cat who ate the canary and then drank the cream. 'And I just thought it'd be fun to tease Ranma; this is going to be hilarious! ...And maybe profitable, too - look at all those octopi looking this way!'

A nudge drew her out of her thoughts and she looked down at Apis. "What is it?"

"The waiter wants to know if you'll be taking the challenge, too," Apis explained on behalf of the rather timid-looking small white squid currently 'standing' at their table.

"No way! Unlike these lunks, I'm sane! Nothing for me, thank you," Nabiki scoffed dismissively.

The squid waiter bowed politely, and then scurried away, radiating relief.

That left the martial artists turned pirates to try and make small talk, but fortunately it wasn't long before their waiter squid came back... dragging a cart filled with stacks of plates, each massive plate bearing a dozen fresh, newly opened oysters, the shells clacking gently together as the pile of seafood rattled and jostled across the floor. Rolling up to their table, and visibly straining to keep control of the cart, the little squid began to pile stacks of plates in front of Ranma, Kodachi, Shampoo and Ukyo.

The four girls (well, three girls and one honorary girl) watched with wide eyes as the bounty of shellfish was painstakingly arranged before them.

"Um... that looks like a lot more than fifteen dozen," Kodachi commented, with uncharacteristic meekness.

The squid waiter looked at her incredulously and began waving its tentacles whilst flashing in a rippling series of color changes, which Apis diplomatically translated.

"She says that the challenge is for individuals, not groups - of course there's more than 180 oysters here. There has to be that many for each of you... unless you want to quit here and now..."

A faint blush warmed Kodachi's cheeks as she took in her error. She looked over the imposing stack of shellfish platters, and was about to send them back... before she glanced over at her rivals, and bristled to see amusement on their own faces.

'So! You believe you smell blood in the water? Well, Kodachi Kuno is nobody's prey!'

Turning her nose up, she addressed the squid waiter in her most imperious fashion. "A kindly offer, but unrequired. I look forward to savoring the chef's efforts."

The squid rolled her eyes, skin rippling through a pattern of red, white and near-black, before she slithered over to a gong on the wall. Drawing herself up as high as she could given that she was lucky to make six inches tall, she gestured with her arms, Apis translating for the Kamikazes' collective benefit.

"The Fifteen Dozen Challenge begins when the gong is sounded. You have one hour to eat all of the oysters, and you must use the the complimentary oyster forks-"

Ranma, Kodachi, Shampoo and Ukyo quickly grabbed the implements. Whilst only Kodachi was familiar with such a utensil, her counterparts remained undaunted - how hard could it be compared to chopsticks?

"If you complete eating by the time the gong is sounded again in one hour, you will be anointed into the Fifteen Dozen Club. Otherwise, you will each pay the full price of fifteen dozen oyster platters, which amounts to two million beries for each of you."

Ignoring the expressions of shock - and rage, in Nabiki's case - that her words elicited, the squid picked up a gong stick and struck the gong with all her might, the sonorous boom echoing through the cavern-like dining hall.

Immediately, the four competitors grabbed their first plates and began to eat. Ranma, naturally, attacked hers with the greatest ferocity, stabbing as many oysters onto her fork as it could physically hold before stuffing the raw shellfish into her mouth, chewing only as much as she needed before she swallowed, loading up a fresh forkful even as she masticated the first. In contrast, Kodachi attempted to preserve her manners, eating the oysters one by one to give herself time to savor their flavor, though even she bowed to the need for speed and loaded her fork preemptively. Shampoo and Ukyo fell in between these points.

The table was all but silent, with Ryoga speechless and the four most raucous members of the group devoting their efforts to eating. The only sounds were the scrape of fork tines on shells, chewing and swallowing. The various cephalopods around them largely ignored the display... at first.

Then Ranma finished her first plate, and moved on unhesitatingly to her second, with the other girls hot on her heels. Two dozen oysters became three dozen, and a few of the other customers turned from their meals to watch. As the third and fourth plates vanished down the throats of the four overly stubborn martial artists, attention grew exponentially. With Apis to translate, Nabiki quickly began offering odds, which only further attracted attention; a nation built on competition, the Great Octopus Shogunate loved to gamble.

Five dozen oysters. Then six dozen. Ranma found herself slowing as she chewed on half of the seventh plate's oysters in a single mouthful, aware of faint gurgles of protest coming from her midriff.

'What gives?! I ate four full course meals in that stupid cooking contest back at Furinkan! A bunch of measly oysters shouldn't be nothing! Wait... oh, this stupid girl's body; don't tell me my stomach's smaller in this body or somethin'! Well, Ranma Saotome don't bow to nobody, an' that includes a stupid girl's stomach!'

Stubbornly, she swallowed the half-dozen oysters in her mouth, then ate the other half dozen with as much defiance as she could put into the gesture.

The other competitors were not taking things quite so stoically. Sweat was starting to bead on Ukyo's brow, whilst Shampoo seemed to need to swallow everything twice. And Kodachi, the least endowed with a true martial artist's appetite, was visibly turning green.

'I fear that I may have made a terrible mistake... but surrender is unthinkable! My darling, for you, I will defeat even this most humiliating of trials!'

'Oooohhhh... I ain't gonna want to eat seafood for a month after this... but nuts ta losin' to the likes of Kodachi!'

'...This has to be the most unpalatable challenge I have ever engaged in... but I mustn't dishonor myself by backing down now! For I have the pride of a Joketsuzoku!'

Eight dozen oysters apiece had now vanished down each girl's throat, and by this point, the whole restaurant seemed to be paying notice. Nabiki and Apis were struggling to keep up with the betting and counterbetting, barely sparing a glance for their crewmates as they scraped and sucked and swallowed shellfish after shellfish.

Nine dozen... ten dozen... eleven dozen... twelve dozen...

Even Ranma was starting to sweat a little at this point, though the genderbent pirate captain stubbornly continued hoeing through her shellfish bounty. Shampoo hiccuped and momentarily went cross-eyed as she swallowed her one hundred and thirty ninth oyster. Ukyo gingerly massaged her stomach, a forkful of oysters poised to join their counterparts in sluicing down her throat. Kodachi audibly moaned in dismay, but still defiantly began working on her twelfth plate.

In a rare moment of generosity, Nabiki spared her crew from knowing how many of the customers - and staff - were now betting on a spectacular defeat at this point. Tallying the numbers in her head, she watched in silent anticipation as the four girls stubbornly pushed onwards. The audience, previously silent until now, were beginning to get worked up as the twelfth plates were discarded and the thirteen reached for, however reluctantly. Octopi began to softly hoot and whistle through their siphons, whilst squids and cuttlefish began to flash through a hypnotic cavalcade of kaleidoscopic colors as the thirteen plate was consumed. One by one, the four girls reached for their fourteenth plates - sweating, moaning, eyes unfocused, but pushing on despite the warnings of sanity and stomach alike.

Indeed, the proximity to the finish line seemed to galvanize the four competitors, who clutched onto the prospect of finally ending their torment like drowning sailors clinging to lifejackets. Desperate to finish, they snaffled, scoffed and slavered, even Kodachi abandoning her manners and gobbling down oysters as if her life depended on it. Soon, the penultimate plates were sucked clean of flesh and as one the quartet reached for the final plate - the fifteenth serving of one dozen oysters.

Even Nabiki held her breath as her crewmates attacked the final twelve oysters, and had to actually repress the urge to cheer when first one, and then another, and then finally all four of them held up their fork in triumph to announce their successful consumption. After all, nobody had bet on all four girls completing the challenge! She'd made a fortune!

Besides, the clientele were making enough of a show for her; whoops and hoots, whistles and rubbery claps, the clashing of cutlery and the clacking of shells erupted from the assembled cephalopods, flooding the restaurant until it seemed to shake.

Beaming from ear to ear, Nabiki set about collecting her winnings.

Ignoring the antics of her quartermaster, Ranma simply punched a defiant fist at the roof with one hand, whilst the other protectively cradled her stomach. Her belly audibly gurgled and groaned in protest, muscles flexing and twinging across her abdomen as they adjusted to the load of masticated shellfish now distending her guts, but one of the dubious benefits of surviving Genma Saotome's "feast or famine" approach to child nutrition was that Ranma was as adept with dealing with the stomach aches caused by overindulgence as she was with coping with the pangs of starvation. Of course, that didn't mean that she enjoyed either, just that she was used to them and could function without them affecting her overly much. But looking around the table, and seeing the sweating, panting, somewhat nauseous faces surrounding her, Ranma felt an uncommon pang of sympathy.

"This wasn't one of my brighter ideas..." She confessed softly. "You feeling okay, Ucchan?"

Ukyo stirred from her overindulgence-fueled torpor, turning to face Ranma directly. She blinked bleary eyes, opened her mouth... and to say that she burped simply would not do justice to the sheer monstrosity that forced its way out of her mouth. A stomach stretched beyond its normal tolerance ruthlessly clamped down in a desperate effort to alleviate the pressure, resulting in every spare molecule of air being forced out at once. Her titanic eruction roared like a thunderbolt, loud enough to be heard not just in every corner of the restaurant, but probably down the block, so deep that the precariously stacked plates of oyster shells bounced and clattered with the reverberations.

When it finally died down what felt like half a minute later, Ukyo was blushing beet red with mortification, the crimson visibly spreading across her cheeks and down her neckline. She screwed her eyes shut and buried her face in her hands, trying to hide from the world around her.

"...A little better now," she squeaked miserably.

Of course, Kodachi was never one to resist the urge to drive the metaphorical knife in, grinning wickedly as she spoke up. "I certainly understand now how you passed as a boy for so long!"

She started to laugh her trademark cackle, only to interrupt herself mid-shriek with her own massive belch - if not quite as monstrous as Ukyo's. Instinctively, she flung both hands over her mouth, eyes wide in shock and blushing almost as red as poor Ukyo. "E-Excuse me, darling!"

"I had no idea that you girls had it in you," Ranma flippantly noted, leaving them to interpret what she might have been referring to and only deepening their senses of shame.

Observing this, Nabiki was drawing on years of painstaking work cultivating her Ice Queen reputation to keep from busting her own gut laughing at the humiliation of two of her crewmates, remembering all too clearly what had happened on the Baratie. 'Karma's a bitch, isn't it, ladies?!'

"Was too-too much fish... Shampoo not even like fish that much," the Chinese cabbit flippantly observed, cleaning her teeth with one extended claw-like nail.

"Really, Shampoo? I thought, with the cat curse an' all..." Ranma noted, eager to change the topic.

"It help, a little, but Shampoo still not that fond of fish. Prefer nice juicy rat instead," she shrugged.

All of her fellow teens from Nerima were openly staring at her now, shock naked on their faces. Even Nabiki had been distracted from her profit-harvesting by this revelation.

"I-Is that why Ah ain't had no problem with varmints in the stores?!" Ukyo yelped, staring wide-eyed at her rival, so shocked she forgot entirely about trying to compensate for her Osakan accent.

"Ukyo is welcome," Shampoo replied, with a wicked, toothy grin as she did so. Then she frowned as the other girls visibly shuddered in revulsion. "What your problem? Rat is good meat! Important part of Chinese medicine - purge toxins, help stomach work good!"

An awkward silence fell over the group because, really, what did you say in the face of a statement like that?! But it only had time to linger for a minute or two before it was broken quite firmly.

"Akaw! I knew those little octo-dudes were shooting the pipeline with me! Bodacious!"

Five teenage girls, a preteen girl, and a pig looked up at a cluster of humans who were sauntering up to their table. There had to be at least a dozen of them, maybe even as many as eighteen, universally tanned to dark-skinned and with a rainbow of hair and eye-colors, mostly men but with a few women in the mix. Leading the pack were two particular individuals. The foremost was a guy who even the rather biased girls of the Kamikazes had to admit was strikingly handsome, with rugged good looks, an athletic build, a deeply tanned complexion, soulful blue eyes and blonde hair that spilled in an untamed wave down his shoulders. Standing slightly behind him, and nearly half again his height, was a slender young man who was surprisingly handsome, given the angular cast of his features, the gunmetal hue of his skin, the glittering silver hair that he slicked back into a prominent pomade, and the visibly long, sharp fangs and claw-like nails on his webbed hands.

Grinning cheerfully, the blonde guy asked, "You dudettes are the pirate crew who got here before us, right?"

"An' what if we are?" Ranma growled back.

"Tubular! Always good to meet a fellow surfer who likes to stick it to the Man! Put her there!"

Ranma blinked in surprise as she realized that, yes, the stranger was holding out his hand, and she quickly shook it in the American custom.

"My folks called me Brozowski Bronson, but call me Breaker - everyone does! Even the Man does! I'm the captain of the White Foam Pirates, the baddest, most radical bunch of dudes to ever shred the open sea!"

Despite a somewhat suspicious nature, Ranma found she couldn't help but smile. There was a weird sincerity to this "Breaker" Bronson that was actually almost charming - maybe not very bright, but friendly and certainly enthusiastic enough.

"I"m Ranma Saotome, Captain of the Kamikaze Pirates! This is Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi, and that's Nabiki - ouch!"

She waved her throbbing hand instinctively, then cast a baleful glare at the black pig currently latched onto it like an aspiring animal trap.

"And this undercooked serve of bacon is Ryoga," she growled, brandishing the miniature pig in their direction.

A chorus of feminine voices rose up in admiration, and before Ranma could blink, the female members of the White Foams had snatched up Ryoga and were passing him amongst themselves like a cuddly toy, cooing over him in a manner that reminded Ranma of what he'd spied when Akane had first bought "P-chan" to Furinkan High. Smirking at the sheer panic in the pig's eyes as he was tossed between various bronzed bountifully buxom beach bunnies, Rama turned her attention back to Bronson.

"So, you guys came here for the Grand Octopree, I take it?" She asked conversationally.

"Hell yeah! A chance to ride one of the most famous party waves in the Grand Line? She may be heavy, but the Devil's Flume is a bomb, dudette! We're amped up just thinkin' about getting out there and riding that mother! Ain't that why you're here?" Bronson asked, seemingly confused.

"Actually, we more or less stumbled onto this event by pure chance. We're not professional surfers," Ranma admitted.

"Hey, we all started as groms, dudette! You got bitchin' courage to give the Octopree a go on your own, though!"

"Well, Ucchan and Kodachi will be out there with me, but it's not my first surfing session, either," Ranma replied.

"Either way, the Octopree ain't for kooks! Takes a real kahuna to ride that bomb all the way to the finish line, and that's no lie!" Captain Bronson announced.

"Mister... courage is the last thing we need," Ranma boasted proudly, jabbing a thumb at herself for emphasis.

"Ohh, of course, of course... but a lesson or two never hurt, right?" interjected the tall, silvery-gray man, leering at Ranma in a way that she instantly recognized.

Putting on what he obviously thought was a seductive expression, he sauntered forwards and reached out for Ranma's hand. "Why not come spend some time with the Reefster? I'll have you shredding like a pro in one sesh..."

Ranma put on her iciest scowl, doing her best to channel Nabiki at her worst, and slapped the offending appendage aside. "Take a hike, creep!"

Of course, she'd seen idiots like this aplenty since her hateful plunge into Jusenkyo's sadistic embrace, and she wasn't even the least surprised when her reception washed off of the weirdo like a gentle spring rain. Instead, his smile only deepened, showing off gleaming white, bladelike teeth as he took the hand she'd slapped and rubbed his own chest with his knuckles, as if polishing his silvery - scaly? - skin.

"Aw, babe, don't play hard to get! The ol' Reefster will have you thrashin' like a pro, guaranteed! C'mon, sweet thing, why won't you give me a chance?"

Ranma sneered, unsurprised. "Buddy, I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"

The self-titled "Reefster" reeled as if struck, pouting like a child at the blunt refusal. Ranma's own gaggle of pirate girls giggled openly at his response, and even the silver-skinned weirdo's own crew began to chortle at seeing him shot down so bluntly.

A sickly crimson tinted the pirate's cheeks in what was obviously an embarrassed blush, before he scowled thunderously in turn. "What, because I'm a fishman?!"

Ranma scoffed and rolled her eyes. "No, it's because you're a creep who won't take no for an answer."

"Doesn't hurt that the captain doesn't swing that way!" Nabiki called from where she was collecting the last of her pearly prizes - which just so coincidentally left her standing in a position that should have been out of the way if a brawl erupted.

Sheer shock saw Ranma unthinkingly stare at her quartermaster, "Wait, what?"

Reefster, on the other hand, looked like he'd just been slapped in the face with a fish. "You can't be serious!"

Nabiki just smiled sweetly back, ostensibly addressing Reefster, but her eyes encompassing them both. "Why do you think she travels with an all-woman crew? But, if you need proof, I'm sure Ukyo would be happy to oblige..."

All three of Ranma's would-be brides had been watching the exchange since the start, anticipating the need to step in and drive off this most unwelcome specimen, but Nabiki's little commentary had them focused on the crew's quartermaster with laser focus. A stunned Ukyo dumbly pointed at herself with a finger, mouthing only, "Me?"

Nabiki, visibly fighting to keep from rolling her eyes, mouthed three words in response; "Kiss her, stupid!"

Ukyo blinked sharply, then gave a rather feral grin.

Ranma, sadly, was not following things along as keenly as she might normally, her usually keen mind having been shortcircuited by Nabiki's declaration. 'Okay, yes, she's right, I do only like girls, but does she need to make me sound like some kinda pervert?!'

As such, she didn't notice the quick, silent conversation that passed between Nabiki and Ukyo... though she certainly noticed it when her oldest female friend suddenly grabbed Ranma by the shoulders, pulled the genderbent boy around, and then smashed her lips into Ranma's own in a passionate kiss.

Distantly, Ranma was aware of a chorus of laughs and cheers, and even a smattering of applause - both the rubbery flap-flapping of tentacles as the collective cephalopods celebrated continued entertainment, as well as the more human sounds produced by the White Foam pirates as they took delight in Reefster's humiliation. But she had more pressing concerns on her mind... namely, the soft, womanly lips pressed to her own, flooding her tongue with warmth and the distinct taste of Ukyo. Galvanized by pure instinct, Ranma's arms twitched, intuitively starting to rise in order to wrap themselves around the woman lavishing her with such affectionate attention...

And that was when Ukyo seemed to realized what she was doing and her shyness came back ten-fold; she broke away from Ranma with a shocked squeak, blushing madly as she forced herself so far back into her chair that she nearly tipped over, leaving her fumbling for her balance momentarily. All her confidence vanished, she refused to look Ranma (or her glowering rivals) in the eye, instead pointedly turning away from all of them and timidly pressing her index fingertips together whilst tucking her legs up under her stool.

'...She's so cute...' Ranma caught herself thinking, but didn't have time to analyze that, as she realized Reefster was storming off, shouldering his way past his laughing crewmates. She looked pointedly at Captain Bronson. "We gonna have trouble?"

The tanned blonde just grinned from ear to ear and shook his head. "Nah, dudette, it's all good! The Reefster's not a Barney, he's just bad with the ladies. See you dudettes tomorrow for the dawn patrol - hang loose!"

He held out a fist, thumb and pinky finger extended, and shook it in the air; on pure impulse, Ranma returned the gesture, which her counterpart really seemed to appreciate. As the White Foam Pirates vanished back into the restaurant, Ranma sighed softly in relief.

"Well, that went pretty well, all things considered," Nabiki chuckled as she sidled back up to the group.

Ranma cast her a stink-eye. "And I suppose you thought that was funny?"

"It was hilarious! Besides, isn't it fair that now you've kissed your entire harem? Poor Ukyo was probably feeling left out," she retorted, in what would be a sweet and innocent voice if they didn't know her better than that.

Ranma blinked, then glanced sidelong at Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi. Ukyo had visibly brightened upon Nabiki's comment, though she was still blushing, whilst Kodachi just looked thoughtful, and Shampoo... wait, why was her expression changing from thoughtful to smug? Unwilling to see where that might be going, Ranma hastily spoke up.

"Alright, so, now we''ve all eaten... we should probably go shopping. We need surfboards, and probably should grab some outfits for the occasion, too," she conceded.

"Oooh, shopping!" Kodachi perked up, eyes gleaming with excitement at the thought of one of her old pastimes.

"You know, I've always wondered why you seemed to have such an eye for fashion," Nabiki observed casually.

Ranma just shrugged, and raised her hand. "Waiter, check please! Give it to Nabiki, she's got our cash."

At once, Nabiki's good cheer evaporated and she threw a sour look at Ranma, who brushed it off casually, being used to being glared at by scarier people than Nabiki.

---

Dawn the next day...

---

As the sun rose above the horizon, staining the sea in a swirling medley of oranges and pinks, it glistened off of the city of coral and shell in a million tiny rainbows. The Grand Octopree was one of the few times that the Great Octopus Shogunate remained above water for a prolonged period of time, and naturally its moisture-loving denizens had taken steps to compensate for that fact, with a clever array of fountains and concealed spouts now showering the city in a misty deluge of seawater sucked from the ocean around them, turning the streets into veritable rivers and flooding the air with salty mist.

So it was that five teenage girls, a preteen girl and a very cranky pig, who had been hoping to remain human since he was going to be on the sidelines, sloshed and splashed as they made their way along the winding path down the turtle's flanks to the ocean's surface, and the start of the Grand Octopree.

"Why are we starting so early?" Ranma complained; she was many things, with 'actually a man' at the top of any mental checklist of her traits, but a morning person, she was not.

"The best surfing is to be done around dawn, captain darling," Kodachi explained patiently, weaving her way through the crowd of excited octopi skidding along through the shallow canals.

"Hey...Kodachi? Why are you dressed up so modest?" Ukyo finally asked her, having been eying her fellow surfer curiously for the last ten minutes or more.

"Whatever do you mean?" Kodachi replied, turning to face Ukyo and blinking in non comprehension.

"I gotta admit, that's been bugging me too! We're all gussied up because Nabiki insisted-"

"Oh, like you really needed to be forced into that outfit, Ranma! For somebody who complains so much about being a boy, you sure seem to like dressing up!" Nabiki giggled.

"-But you? This is... well, it's downright modest. An' I remember that string-n-floss number you wore the last time we were all at a beach together before this pirate nonsense," Ranma continued, ignoring her quartermaster.

It actually was quite a contrast, if one were to look at the three surfing pirates. Kodachi was wearing a full-body bathing suit - not merely the kind of swimming leotard that might have been more associable with Akane Tendo and her famously polite elder sister Kasumi (ignoring the evidence that suggested Kasumi liked to dress up for the beach too), but one with sleeves and pants that ensured only Kodachi's head, hands and feet emerged from the outfit.

In comparison, Ranma was wearing a two-piece bikini made of a silvery, semi-translucent material reminiscent of jellyfish (and who knew, maybe that was what it was made of!) with pronounced ruffles adorning each breast and curving around the hips, as well as long, tentacle-like streamers that flowed around each opening where the limbs protruded.

As for Ukyo? She was wearing something in between the extremes of her compatriots; a leotard whose neckline plunged down to her belly button, with short artificial bristles jutting abundantly from where it tightly hugged her buttocks, the whole thing decorated in stripes of red, cream, pink and black. Overall, if Ranma's swimsuit looked like a jellyfish, then Ukyo's looked like someone had tried to redesign a Playboy bunny suit in the style of a lionfish.

Kodachi just smiled softly and shook her head gently. "Whilst your outfits are wonderfully attractive, there is a difference in the attire suitable for surfing and that intended for playfully cavorting in the waves, and I fear you may have to learn that the hard way."

"Don't worry; Ranma doesn't know any other way to learn things," Nabiki quipped.

"Hey!" Ranma indignantly barked, glaring at her quartermaster, whilst her would-be lovers stifled smiles and Ryoga, currently cradled in Apis' arms, openly snickered in amusement.

They didn't have the time to get into one of their usual arguments, however, as they finally reached the starting line and their attention was roughly dragged away.

"...That a whole lotta octopus," Shampoo quietly announced.

"I think every single damn squiggly thing in the city is here..." Ukyo observed, equally dumbfounded.

It was a scene out of a Japanese schoolgirl's most hentai nightmare. Octopuses, squids, cuttlefish and even the odd nautilus crammed together into a writhing sea of tentacles and shapeless flesh, clustered in great shallow basins that sprawled across the giant turtle's flanks. Limbs flickered back and forth, colors swirling like a drunken kaleidoscope as the cephalopods communed in their eerily silent speech. Admittedly, the conversation was probably quite mundane - the multitude of enterprising young squids scuttling back and forth with baskets full of clams and fish in a parody of hotdog vendors at a baseball game made that clear - but it was an alien vista as the Kamikazes descended to the lowest row, and the official starting line.

"Hey! Righteous, dudettes, you made it!" Captain "Breaker" Bronson cheered, wagging his fist with thumb and pinky extended in that same gesture he'd used the last time they'd seen him.

"Wouldn't miss it!" Ranma called back, clumsily returning the greeting. As she and the rest of her motley crew took their place, she quickly took in the others gathered there, seizing up her potential opponents.

The first and most obvious competitors were the White Foam Pirates. Aside from Breaker Bronson and Reefster, though, they just faded into one homogenous blur for Ranma - about two dozen or so hot young humans, all heavily tanned blondes and redheads, both male and female.

Between the White Foams and Ranma's own trio of Kamikaze Pirates, that made up 98 percent of the human competitors. There were only two other apparent human competitors to be seen in the starting line.

The first was a short, dark-skinned, hairy-bodied and very grumpy-looking older man, currently in a whispered conversation with a younger, much stronger-looking man with a scarred face and another man with weirdly simian bodily proportions. Ranma honestly would have thought that the third member of their group was a particularly well-shaved albino chimp at first glance.

The second man was... well, Ranma wasn't sure what his deal was. He was definitely an older man, with silvery-gray hair falling in slicked-back locks around his shoulders, but still fairly handsome - closer to Soun than to Genma, if Ranma had to make a comparison. But he also visibly wasn't human. He had webbed hands and feet, fins emerging from his back, forearms and calves, green-gray skin with black, tiger-like stripes, and even a tail. He was carefully tending to his board, singing softly to himself; perking her ears and straining her senses, Ranma managed to catch something of the words.

"...I loved me a woman, sweet as could be, but ain't no woman bigger than the sea..."

'The hell's that supposed to mean?' Ranma wondered, but she barely had time to contemplate the thought before Breaker Bronson gasped in audible delight.

"Sick! Dudette, that's Kahuna Mack!" he cried, eyes nearly bulging out from behind his ever-present sunglasses.

"Who?" Ranma bluntly demanded in response.

"Kahuna Mack! He's a fishman surfing guru, famous throughout Paradise! Aw, man, do you think he'll give me his autograph?!" Breaker asked, almost vibrating in excitement.

"Fishman? ...Like Reefster?" Ranma asked, seizing onto a stray memory.

"Yeah! Reefster's a barracuda, and Kahuna Mack's a tiger shark, but they're both pureblooded fishmen!"

Ranma's gaze shifted from the tall, gray member of the White Foam Pirates to the elderly surfer and then back again. "...One's got a tail."

"Dudette, don't be a bummer! It's a rare bloodline thing, most fishmen don't have them," her rival captain scolded her.

"Sorry... hey, why not ask him for his autograph now, before the race starts?" Ranma suggested, then tuned out Breaker Bronson's response to resume studying the competitors.

With the humans and the fishmen out of the way, it was no surprise that the rest of the competition was made up of various cephalopods. A large, bulky nautilus, a bright pink, long-limbed octopus, a dull orange and compact octopus, a squid in mottled black and white, a silvery cuttlefish, a short-tentacled purple octopus with two horn-like nubs on its head being used to hold a silver ring...

Ranma's gaze stopped sharply and she sucked in a breath, reaching out to grab Kodachi's arm. "Kodachi, over there! Does that son of a slug look familiar to you?"

Startled, the Kuno heiress followed Ranma's gaze, then snarled viciously as she took in the sight of a massive hulking octopus, being fawned over by a group of smaller but clearly female octopi, with a golden patch covering where an eye should have been. "I think so... how did that monster get here?"

"I don't know, but if it tries anything, I'll finish what I started!" Ranma vowed darkly.

Before she could go any further down that train of thought, a massive gong strike rang out through the air. All eyes turned towards it, sitting upon what was clearly the podium. Shogun Octavio stared imperiously down at them, and began to gesticulate with pronounced, well-paced movements.

Immediately, Apis fell into her unofficial role as translator for the crew. "Um... big formal welcome - thank you for coming, this is the 373rd time this event has been held, blah-blah-blah... whilst a certain amount of roughhousing is permissible during the event, this is a surfing race and not a fighting contest, so anyone who tries to kill or seriously maim another competitor will be disqualified-"

"Spoilsports," sniffed Kodachi.

"The goal is to surf from here to Angel's Isle at the far end - the first to land on the shore is the winner. If you fall off of your board, you're disqualified. If you touch any land other than Angel's Isle for more than 30 seconds, you're disqualified. Competitors should take their places now," Apis continued without pause.

Ranma glanced to either side, and sure enough, the rest of the competitors were already filing down the piers and out onto the water in anticipation. "Well, guess that's us. Come on Ucchan, 'dachi. You guys stay safe, 'kay?"

"You get out there, and win me a fortune!" Nabiki chirped back, grinning gleefully even as she rubbed her hands together in naked avarice, a sight that had every other inhabitant of the Milka rolling their eyes.

Still, there was no time to bicker, and so the three surfer girls (well, two-plus-one) quickly joined the other competitors in sprinting down the piers and paddling their boards out onto the water, forming up into a loose starting line largely by imitating what all the cephalopods were doing.

Once she was in position and confident on her balance, Ranma glanced at her crewmates. "So... uh... how 'zactly are we supposed to catch a wave here? That turtle's in the way."

Back on the "shores" of the turtle island, Apis suddenly went pale as a washed out bedsheet. "We need to get to higher ground!"

Nabiki, Shampoo and Ryoga all nearly jumped out of their skin at the little girl's sudden scream, the girls' hands twisting into warding gestures as they whirled to face Apis.

"What, what's going on?!" Nabiki demanded instinctively.

"Don't talk, just run! Run!" Apis cried, before wheeling around and sprinting up the artificial slope as fast as her little legs could carry her.

Instincts galvanized, the Kamikaze Pirates immediately sprang to follow her. Ryoga leapt desperately for Nabiki's arms, and fortunately for him she grabbed him by pure instinct. Shampoo, meanwhile, accelerated like a human rocket, snatching up Apis like she was a mouse and tucking the Whisper Human under her arm like a parcel without even breaking stride.

Out on the water, Ranma's eyes grew wide in shock as she saw the giant island turtle begin to slide into the water, sinking with deceptive speed beneath the waves. With barely a ripple, the Great Octopus Shogunate sank until the vast majority of its tremendous bulk was underwater... and then it violently surfaced again, the rushing mass of thousands of tons of turtle and coral displacing water by the megalitre, kicking up one of the biggest waves that the displaced Japanese had ever seen in her life!

"Surf's up!" Came an excited cry, followed by an insane chorus of laughter - probably all from the White Foam Pirates, but Ranma couldn't tell and didn't care; she was too busy desperately turning around and fixing her stance before the wave swept down on her like doom incarnate.

At the peak of the viewing bay, three girls and one pig hacked, choked and coughed, dripping wet from head to toe.

"I can't...I can't believe we didn't get washed away..." Apis mumbled, eyes swirling dizzily as she battled the receding nausea from her recent encounter with a Devil Fruit user's worst enemy.

Shampoo simply moaned in dismay, this being her first real encounter with what being submerged in seawater entailed for her now. 'This sucks even worse than eating that stupid fruit in the first place...'

Nabiki hacked and finally spat a mouthful of saltwater onto the street. Finally registering a stabbing pain in her ankle, she glanced back down and glared at the sight of Ryoga, piggy fangs sunk into her foot as he used his mouth to hold on for dear life. Irritably, she kicked out as hard as she could, finally shaking the boy-turned-pig loose and sending him flying across the street with a squeal of protest. Ignoring him, she got off of the street where she had been kneeling and grumpily dusted her knees off, more for the show than anything practical.

"Is there a reason you didn't tell us about that beforehand?" She dryly asked Apis.

"I'm a telepath, not a precog! I didn't know it until everybody else was thinking about it!" the Whisper Human protested.

"There more important things to worry about, anyway!" Shampoo interjected, swaying a little but quickly regaining full control over her body.

Nabiki actually gasped as the realization sank in. "That's right! Come on, Apis, we have to get back down there - I need you to help me start the betting ring!"

She grabbed the young Devil Fruit user by the hand and hurried back down to where all the octopi were clustering, with Shampoo rolling her eyes and loping after them. And finally, bringing up the rear was poor little Ryoga.

'Short legs! Short legs! Why does nobody remember that this stupid, stupid curse gives me short legs?!' Ryoga squealed angrily, cursing them all with the foulest profanities he'd learned across his life and making poor Apis blush like a tomato.

---

Meanwhile, out on the water...

---

The sad truth of it all was that, later on, Ranma would only be able to remember bits and pieces of what happened during the actual Grand Octopree itself. Mind focused on battling the wind and the water, working to stay upright whilst dodging around or leaping over atolls, sandbars and rocky outcroppings like a videogame character, all the whilst trying to coax her surfboard to edge ahead of her rivals? The reality of it was that Ranma was operating on prue instinct and adrenaline for ninety-nine percent of the race. That left his actual memories of it all in a rather piecemeal form, centering on a few key parts of the race proper...

"Hang on, radical dudes! The Shark Teeth ahead!" cried Captain Bronson to his crew, with Ranma's ears perking up at the obvious warning.

"What're those?!" she demanded instinctively, before she saw what was coming up ahead and her eyes widened.

The wave was sweeping them directly towards the roughest patch of... well, "terrain" that she'd seen in the Devil's Flume so far: rows of small, sharp, jagged rocks jutting perpendicular to the course proper. They jutted out of the water like stony fangs, perfectly poised to rip the boards right out from under any careless surfer.

Brain working at a feverish pace, Ranma mentally ran through her options. She could always slide her board out to the far side of the wave and just avoid the rocks altogether, and indeed she could see rival surfers doing just that...

'But the wave's weaker there... if I go too far, I might even fall out entirely. Even if I don't, that'll slow me down and let the bolder surfers get ahead of me... ain't no choice, then; gotta get through!'

Frowning with determination, Ranma hunkered down and angled her surfboard. She was absently aware of other surfers doing the same around her - Kodachi, Ukyo, Captain Bronson, and Kahuna Mack, most prominently - but she put them out of her mind and focused on what she was doing. With the wave powering her like nature's own jet engine, she surged down into the rocks, shifting her weight like mad in order to steer herself through the tangle of stones and open water - a task made all the harder because the other surfers who had deigned to go through were also fighting for the best spots to steer their way through to the other side.

As Ranma was painfully reminded when a silvery-gray figure cut sharply across her path, making her flinch in shock and throwing her off of her course. "Hey! Ya stupid jerk!"

"Dude, snaking ain't cool, bro!" Captain Bronson hollered from where he was busy dodging his own rocks.

"This is a race, no place for shubies here!" Reefster snapped back, oversized teeth glinting in a mocking leer at Ranma before he sped on his way.

Not that the transformed boy had any time to give attention to the fishman's jibes, since she was heading straight for one of the bigger rocks!

'Only got one chance here!'

Shifting her feet so she could curl them around the edges of her surfboard, Ranma heaved powerfully to one side, deliberately yanking up on her board and twisting so that she flipped herself sideways, leaving her board upside down in the air and herself on a literal head-first collision course with the stone! With impossible speed, her hands shot out and grabbed onto the stone, leaving her effectively handstanding on its jagged, salt-rimed, soaking wet tip for a heartbeat before she sank her weight onto her arms, compressed her elbows, and then launched herself upwards and forwards. She shot through the air, holding onto her surfboard for dear life with her feet, and then twisted herself with all the strength and flexibility that her life of martial arts had given her, allowing her to barrel roll and end up being snatched up by the wave on the far side of the stones whilst being back upright once more.

"Whoo-hoo! Go, Ranchan!" Ukyo whooped from somewhere to the side, angling herself to catch up to her crush-turned-captain.

Kodachi, meanwhile, just burst out laughing, her shrill, borderline hysterical cries of delight making everybody within earshot wince... which for some was a fatal mistake, as they ended up wiping out on the stones or falling out of the wave entirely.

---

Back on the Shogunate...

---

"Awesome! I didn't know she could bend like that!" Apis cheered, punching the air and stomping her feet in her excitement.

"Shampoo's airen is something special alright," the Chinese Amazon Cabbit announced proudly, grinning from ear to ear... well, it would be from ear to ear if they were still in the expected place for a human. It was a sight that made nearby octopi quietly shuffle a little further away.

"Oh, yes, you'd be surprised how flexible Ranma is," Nabiki declared, smirking as she did so.

'Still... damn. Nice moves, Ranma. Pity you can't think that fast when it isn't life or death...'

She didn't have too long to contemplate that thought, however; Ranma's stunt brought octopi flocking over, and even with Apis' help, she was soon struggling to keep the betting straight.

---

And back in the race...

---

"Okay, the little island thingies seem to be thinning out now..." Ranma announced optimistically.

"Should be smooth sailing from here, right, Ranchan?" Ukyo ventured from her position at the genderbent surfer's side.

"Alas, you speak too soon! Look!" Kodachi cried.

Ranma followed the wealthy heiress' outthrust finger and spat a curse she'd learned from a crusty old yak farmer on the way to the Byankhalas as she saw the next great obstacle the Devil's Flume was throwing at them.

It was as if some giant toddler had taken modeling clay, crafted a tower out of it, and then in a fit of boredom had bent it at a nearly 90 degree angle before leaving it in the sun to dry. The result was a huge arc of sun-bleached stone that sprawled directly in the wave's path, leaving only a relatively small gap on the furthest end of the wave as open water.

"Should we try to jump it?" Kodachi suggested, even as the bulk of the competitors began angling their way for the gap.

Ranma shook her head. "Too risky - better to go under it instead!"

Trusting their captain, the two girls followed her as she slid her surfboard lower down the wave, hoping to capitalize on its thrust as much as possible. Spotting a familiar figure just ahead of them, Ranma grinned wickedly.

"Hey, Reefster! Your mother wears army boots!" she shouted at the top of her lungs.

Jumping as if stung by a wasp, the barracuda fishman whirled on Ranma, eyes blazing as he furiously shouted, "Yeah, she did, but don't you talk about my mom!"

He blinked stupidly as he realized that Ranma had already thrown herself down flat and was clinging to her surfboard like a limpet. Then the wave smacked him straight into the stone arch, back of the skull first, and he knew nothing more...

---

Back on the Shogunate...

---

"Serves the jerk right!" Apis declared firmly.

"Ranma might talk a lot about honor, but he knows how to hold a grudge with the best of them," Nabiki chuckled, mostly to herself.

"Save Shampoo the trouble of teaching stupid fishman a lesson later..."

"They're getting pretty close to the end now! Do you think we'll win, Nabiki?" Apis asked curiously.

"I wouldn't count Ranma out until the race is over, that's all I'll say - and don't you dare tell them that!" Nabiki hissed.

Apis just stared at her elder incredulously. "Um... I won't, but you know they can all understand human here, even if they can't speak it, right?"

Nabiki blinked slowly, then bit back a curse as she attempted to do damage control for her betting odds.

---

And back in the race...

---

The race had really whittled down the competition now. Somehow, miraculously, the three Kamikaze Pirates had all made it this far, avoiding being wiped out or simply falling out of the wave and losing all momentum. Captain Bronson and Kahuna Mack were the only other humans - well, humanoids - to make it this far, and even the cephalopods had been drastically reduced. But the end was in sight now, with Angel's Isle visible on the rapidly approaching horizon. There was just one little thing...

"What the heck is that mountain doing there?!" Ranma cried out over the roar of the wind and the water.

"What's any of this crazy geography doing here?" Ukyo sarcastically shouted back.

The two Kamikaze Pirates began shifting their boards around, angling to slide down the wave and out to its side in order to weave around the massive pillar. It was the logical thing to do, and in fact every other surfer was doing the same, with the real snaking being to try and make the tightest turn possible without wiping out.

Every surfer... except for one.

"Kodachi, what are you doing?!" Ranma called back over her shoulder, having realized that her rewmate (and would-be girlfriend) wasn't following them, but was instead angling herself further up the wave and towards its center.

"Have you finally lost it, rich girl!?" Ukyo demanded.

But Kodachi didn't respond, and with no other apparent course of action, her fellow Kamikazes could only continue as they were before, weaving and snaking through the ranks of their rivals to try and reach the safety of the wave's corners.

But Kodachi had not gone mad, despite all appearances. Well, madder, in the opinions of some. She had spotted an aspect of the interposing mountain that the other surfers either hadn't spotted or had chosen to ignore; a roughly circular hole that had been bored clean through the cliff near its peak, large enough that a perfectly aimed surfer clinging to their surfboard could shoot straight through it... on the other hand, if they were off just by a little, they'd be slammed face-first into the unforgiving stone.

It was a maneuver that called for precision, poise, perfection! It was a stunt that demanded an eagle's eye, a will of steel, absolute control over one's body, and a dubious grasp on one's sanity!

In short... it was a trick that Kodachi was born to try.

The petty distractions of the outside world were pushed away; there was only herself, the board, the wave, and the hole. As she sped inexorably towards glory or pain, Kodachi's whole body coiled like a spring, adjusting her position in movements that could have been measured in millimeters. As the opening loomed in front of her, she slid herself down flat on her board, hugging it to her like a lover as she made her final adjustments.

'Ancestors... watch over me!'

And then, with the roar of the wave and the wind whipping through her ears, she was hurtling through the cavern. It was long enough that she was momentarily engulfed in darkness, feeling the spray soaking her skin and matting her hair. Spars of stone scraped across her skin, but failed to do more than scratch her as the pressurized water hurled her out through the far end of the blowhole like a champagne cork launching from a bottle.

Shrieking with laughter, Kodachi sprang to her feet once more, angling herself to catch the air. With the way the water had been forced through the cave at the spire's peak, she was carried through the air like a human bullet, outpacing the other surfers still circling the mountain's sides. Even as gravity seized her once more, she angled herself to control her descent, hitting the water and skimming across it like a stone until the next thing she knew, she was in the shallows, and then skidding onto the beach itself in a spray of sand. Kicking up her board, she tucked it under her arm and rocketed forward, feet pounding across the already heated sand as she burst through the seaweed banner, the first one to reach the finish line!

"I did it! Darling, did you see? I won! I won!" Kodachi whooped for joy, bouncing up and down, kicking her legs behind her in her excitement and pelting out peals of laughter that echoed across the open waves.

"...She's gonna be insufferable," Ukyo opined, but even as she said it, she was smiling.

"Way to go, Kodachi!" Ranma chuckled, in a rare moment of generosity.

---

Back on the Shogunate...

---

Octopi could not whistle, cheer or generally make most of the vocal expressions of excitement and wonder that humans took for granted. Nevertheless, the octopi of the Great Octopus Shogunate were doing their best to overcome such anatomical limitations; whooping and hooting through their siphons, beating their tentacles against anything in range, clacking seashells and bones, banging rocks together...

Nabiki just stared in dumbfoundment at the chaos surrounding her. "What's gotten into them?!"

"Kodachi's stunt!" Apis laughed gleefully. "Nobody's managed to thread the needle in a hundred years! She just pulled off one of the most famous stunts associated with this whole festival!"

Nabiki didn't really get much of a chance to process that thought at first, however, as she found herself swarmed by octopi, eager to collect - or even, strangely, to pay out on - their bets. At least, at first - suddenly, they stopped swarming to hand over precious tentacle loads of pearls and instead twisted around to face back out onto the ocean again. The cacophony started up again, but this time it didn't sound excited - it sounded angry, somehow.

Nabiki blinked, then followed the collective gazes out onto the waters surrounding Angel's Isle, where what she saw made her scowl as well.

---

On Angel's Isle...

---

"Pirate scum! Surrender now and you will not be harmed!" boomed an authoritative voice, cast through some kind of megaphone from its place atop the Navy frigate which had emerged from behind the island and rapidly circled around to confront the surfers as they gathered on the beach at the finish line.

"...Did those uncooked takoyaki set us up?" A scowling Ranma suggested, glowering at the Navy vessel's emblem-emblazoned sails as if hoping she could set them on fire with her gaze alone.

"I don't think so - they all seem pretty ticked off," Ukyo replied, glancing at the various cephalopods who had gathered on the beach around them. True to her words, they were shaking their tentacles angrily at the ship, eyes twisted into furious glowers and skins rippling through a kaleidoscope of colors.

"Tch. Just like the Man to show up and spoil our fun," Captain Bronson declared, absently banging on the side of his head to knock water out of his ears.

"Yeah? Well, not on my watch..." Ranma sneered. Taking a quick breath to help her find her center, she closed her eyes and metaphorically reached down inside of herself. Her right hand curled into a cupping gesture as a bead of sun-yellow ghostfire burst into life in the air between her fingers and her thumb, swelling into riotous life.

"This is your last warning! Surrender, or be annihilated!"

"You first!" Ranma spat back, before whipping up her arm and unleashing her Moko Takabisha. The sizzling sphere of harnessed self-esteem and pride erupted into life as a beam of light that hurled through the air, slamming into the prow right where the wood rose above the water and punching through like the fist of an angry giant, coring the ship like an apple.

Even from where they stood, the collective surfers could hear the panic as the ship began taking on water, its crew racing to escape before it sank to the bottom. Although escape would probably not be easy, seeing as how the heads of very annoyed-looking octopus guards from the Great Octopus Shogun were now visibly peeking through the waves as the siphon-powered cephalopods jetstreamed their way towards the dying vessel.

Ranma smirked, and made a show of dusting off her visibly smoking palms. "And that takes care of that!"

"...Dude..." was all that Captain Bronson managed to say.

---

Back on the Shogunate...

---

"...Okay, that does it; Eldorago ain't paying us enough for this," Captain Mustela, captain of the Feckless and secret agent for Baroque Works announced.

"I'll say... this whole day's been a bust. We was supposed to snatch the girl while this stupid contest had them busy, but she never left their side!" Mr. Fiddle declared, the ape-like human further emphasizing his disdain by loudly hawking and spitting a chunky globule of saliva onto the street.

"We'll regroup, fish that idiot Klasky out of the drink, and get back to base. I don't want to take these clowns on with anything less than the full force of Baroque Works at my back..."

Command given, the two sinister figures skulked away, disappearing onto the Shogunate's back streets, with their oblivious victims busily collecting Nabiki's winnings from the day behind them.

---

Chapter End & Closing Notes

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I'm not gonna lie: this chapter was a huge test for me. I knew I wanted to go for a funny chapter over a more action orientated one, but the problem is, I have a very stunted sense of humor, so I'm really, really bad at writing comic stuff. I hope it wasn't too awful. And it certainly didn't help that I had to write a surfing-focused chapter without any real knowledge of surfing culture; I hit up the internet for some surfing slang, so I hope it worked out in the end.

And this has been a nice little diversion for the Kamikazes... but the fun and games stop here, because coming up fast is Warship Isle, and the forces of Eldorago that guard it. Time to kick things up a notch!

As always, there's a TVtropes page for this fic, and fans are called upon to flesh it out!