Harry was feeling more confident since his last training with Snape, neither one of them mentioned him having sex with McGonnagal and for that Harry was grateful. His stomach turned whenever he saw the elderly headmistress walking down the halls. McGonnagal smiled at him knowingly and suggested she'd be available if Harry needed more training. Harry tried to control his shuddering. Things weren't much better with Ron. Harry returned to his dorm after a tiring session and Ron was giving him the silent treatment.

"What's wrong mate?" Harry asked.

Ron huffed and puffed and wouldn't answer until he finally snapped. "It's not fair!" He exploded. "You're so bloody special. You get to shag all these witches. Harry the Vagina Potter. That's what they're calling you!"

"I didn't ask for this Ron!" Harry reminded him.

"Well aren't you so bloody lucky then." Ron said selfishly.

"Look Ron, this isn't as great as you think it is, ok. You have no idea."

"Sure, I'll be crying in my sleep for you." Ron rolled over and went to bed. Harry sighed.

He decided he'd try out the loadstone Dumbledore gave him. "Whoredefinder" He intoned. The loadstone spun around. It wasn't supposed to do that... he was inside the school. Wait! That means someone at Hogwarts was a Whorecrux. Who could it be?

He confided in Dumbledore the next day.

"I see. This is a very interesting matter. Someone here is close to the dark lord Harry. I cannot help you, you must seek them out on your own."

Dumbledore didn't seem to be much help as usual. Harry stalked the grounds with his loadstone. It spun slower and slightly more quickly at times but he was no closer to finding the answer.

"Maybe it's not a student Harry." Hermione said as they sat on a row of empty Quiddich benches.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

"You've been all over the grounds. Maybe it's a teacher."

"A teacher... Why didn't I think of that?"

"Well you are kinduve stupid Harry. Look, bring your lodestone to your classes and see what happens."

Harry brought the loadstone to class and hung around where the female teachers were, it wasn't Madam Hooch or Sprout. He even tried faking an illness to see Madam Pompfrey and checked out a book to test the librarian.

"It's not working Hermione." Harry whined as they met at there usual spot.

"Ok, so there has to be someone you haven't checked yet." Hermione closed her eyes and went through the list of female teachers Harry had investigated. Her eyes snapped open. Trelawney! You haven't checked her out.

Harry groaned in frustration. "No, no it can't be."

"Are you serious about saving the wizarding world Harry?" Hermione huffed.

"I am, but Trelawney, blech!" Harry made a face.

Hermione eyed him. "Well you better check it out and if it is her figure out a way to seduce her. I bet she hasn't gotten laid in a few years. She'll be up for it."

"Great." Harry muttered.

Harry sat in the astronomy tower. Cringing as he watched Trelawney sputter on about dark times ahead. He took out his loadstone and watched as it spun furiously. It stopped and pointed straight at Trelawney then began to spin furiously again.

"Bugger." Harry groaned. He tried to toughen up. Dumbledore and his friends needed him.

Harry hung around after class. He looked at Trelawney's huge glasses and wondered if it would be better if she left them on or off while they shagged.

"Professor?" Harry spoke with false enthusiasm.

"Yes, dear boy what can I help you with?"

"I've been having trouble figuring out how to read my tea leaves. I can't tell if it's a dog or a horse."

Trelawney hobbled over and began explaining that his leaves were in fact a carrot. Harry wasn't listening. He was staring at her frazzled hair and beaked nose. "It can't be worse than McGonnagal," he tried to convince himself.

"Professor, I have a confession to make." Harry leaned in closer. Trelawney's breath smelled like a frog's ass.

"Yes, my boy?" She gazed at him curiously.

"I find you very attractive."

Harry leaned in and gave Trelawney a kiss. His forehead hit her glasses. Trelawney responded in earnest.

"Well this is a surprise!" Trelawney said panting.

Harry closed his eyes. He dipped his tongue back in her mouth and tried not to gag as her sandpaper tongue stabbed him. He started to undress her. She had on a bra that was faded peach and much too large for her breasts. He removed them and two tiny, sagging, golf ball sized breasts stood at attention. Trelawney stepped back and removed the remainder of her robes. She had on gargantuan granny panties that covered her all the way to her knees. She slowly removed them, doing a sexy backwards dance, and Harry's eyes widened in horror; out popped out a gigantic afro bush of hair. There was as much of it as the hair on her head but it had the corse consistency of a third rate Quiddich broom. Harry was so shocked he was unable to respond. Something began moving inside of it. A small bird poked it's head through the brambles of hair and chirped.

"Oh that's my familiar Pebbles. Don't worry, she'll leave us alone once things get going."

Harry felt his head swimming. He was worried that he might faint before he could consummate the act.

Suddenly Snape strode through the room. Harry had never been so happy to see him before in his life.

"Stop this at once!" Snape intoned darkly.

"Severes! Get out of here!" Trelawney screeched.

"Harry, I'm afraid Trelawney isn't your Whorecrux."

Harry looked at the potions professor confused.

"One of the paintings overheard our meeting with Dumbledore and reported to Trelawney. She used a false trace of the Whorecrux to trick you into shagging her."

Harry almost collapsed in relief.

"How dare you!" Trelawney huffed.

"Hermione updated me about your plan to meet Trelawney. When you didn't return from your divination class, I knew something was wrong. A simple spell revealed the truth that Trelawney wasn't really a Whorecrux but only had a false mirror of one. I searched her rooms at once and found a painting of a man cowering in fear. I made him tell me everything.

"I'll kill you Snape!" Trelawney rushed at him. Her bush headed towards him. Harry had never seen Snape look as horrified as he did at that moment. "Stupify!" Snape yelled. The witch fell forward unconscious, she landed bush first on the ground, it held her partially upright.

Harry was overwhelmed with gratitude. He knew the professor didn't like him but had gone to a lot of trouble to save him. "Professor, I don't know how to..."

Snape raised his hand. "We've had our differences Harry. I've always thought Albus overestimated your bravery, but after seeing what you were willing to go through... you have earned my respect."

Harry and the professor shook hands.

"You've wasted enough time with this false lead. Albus will deal with Trelawney. I have an idea of where you can find the next Whorecrux."