A/N: One of the recurring skits from the Canadian/American comedy sketch show "SCTV", where a cheesy host pretended that the promoted movie (always in fake 3-D and always low budget) was going to scare the pants, skirt or whatever you were wearing off of you.

Doctor Tongue's 3-D House of Fun and Horribleness

The following is a special presentation of the SCTV Network.

The camera zoomed in on an actor dressed as a vampire, standing in a cheesy dungeon set (you could just make out the extension cord that lit one of the fake torches on the wall) and inexplicably howling like a werewolf. "Ah-roooooooo! Hello there. I'm Count Floyd, reminding you to be sure to tune in this Saturday night for another edition of 'Monster Chiller Horror Theatre'. This week we have a particularly scary film waiting for you called 'Doctor Tongue's 3-D House of Fun and Horribleness'. I haven't seen it myself, but I'm told it's VERY scary. Let's watch some clips now - be sure to put on your special 3-D glasses." The host slipped a pair of cardboard-framed glasses out of his shirt pocket and put them on. "Remember, you won't be able to get the blood-chilling 3-D effects unless you wear your glasses. For all you faithful viewers out there who have been enjoying all the terrifying films we offer, we...ah...updated our glasses to make the action even more blood-chilling-er." He pulled off the glasses and pointed at them. "You see, now the green lens is on the right side. If you have the old glasses, you're going to have to send in...ah...twenty dollars to this station plus five bucks for shipping. And don't try to just wear them upside down, either, otherwise you'll...er...throw up and all the action will be 1-D! Now, let's watch those scary clips. Ah-roooooooo!"

...

The screen changed to a small office setting. A heavy-set man dressed somewhat formally sat at a desk, pouring over some paperwork as he mused out loud. "This haunted carnival is a horrible business. Sure, we make out like bandits during October, but the rest of the year...nothing. I, Doctor Tongue, must find a solution."

A humpbacked lackey appeared at his side. "Gee boss, we did really good at Halloween."

"Yes Bruno, but the rest of the year really sucked. Just look at all of this red ink!" He picked up an accounting ledger and thrust it at the camera several times while a screeching sound effect played.

"That looks pretty bad," Bruno agreed.

"But you can't read, you idiot."

"No, but I know red ink when I see it. I'm an idiot, I'm not color blind."

"Sorry," Doctor Tongue apologized "I forgot you were only an idiot."

"That's right, never forget it again," Bruno said indignently.

"Forget what?"

"I don't know," Bruno said while shrugging. The effect with the costume hump looked more like he was reaching down for something.

"Oh, what shall we do?" the Doctor asked. Bruno started to speak up but he was quickly silenced. "Don't answer that! It was a rhetorical question. We need something scary. Something evil. Something financially viable."

"Something that goes all year?"

"Of course! Or at least nine months anyway. We can close down for the major holidays and...quit getting me off-track! Something no one would expect. Something innocent. Something that I can franchise if the first one works out. I've got it!"

The next clip shifted abruptly to the outside of a ticket booth at night, shown in first person perspective. The heavy-set man in the booth smiled. "Welcome to the Wonderous Carnival of...ah...Wonders. Congratulations, you are our first vic…guests. Here are your tickets!" The man thrust the tickets several times at the camera, again to a screeching sound effect. "Fun or horror - which will be your fate? Braaa ha ha ha ha..." he laughed.

"He seemed a bit odd," Margie said as she and Mark took the offered tickets and went through the entrance into the midway. Spying a booth, she quickly pleaded to her boyfriend "Oh, buy me a cotton candy, please? I love that stuff."

"Okay," Mark said as he approached the booth window. "How much for the cotton candy?" he asked the man behind the window, who happened to be Bruno.

"It's...ah...free with admission," he replied. "Here you go!" he said as he thrust the item out the window towards Mark. "Hope it doesn't give you indigestion, heh heh."

"You idiot!" Doctor Tongue whispered inside, out of view. "You're supposed to hand it over three times and toward the camera!"

"Sorry, master."

"Trust me, it's scarier that way. And what they don't know is that one out of every ten is made out of fiberglass instead of sugar. When they take a bite it will give their tongues painful little cuts. Ha ha ha ha!"

...

The clip cut back to Count Floyd. "Can you feel the suspense? Are those great 3-D effects or what – those tickets practically just…ah…flew into my face! What else is waiting for them? Don't forget to order your glasses and find out! Now let's see some more of those clips."

...

"That was pretty scary - for a moment I thought I lost my wallet on that ride," Mark said as they walked up to another booth. In the background, Doctor Tongue was instructing a carnie how spinning the ride faster next time would create more centrifugal force to empty pockets.

"Here, the first try is free," Bruno said (now dressed in a slightly different vest) as he reached for a baseball. "Use this to knock over all three milk cans with one throw to win a prize." He thrust the baseball towards the camera, remembering to do it three times while a menacing sound effect played. Mark took the baseball and tried his luck, only knocking down two. "So close!" Bruno encouraged. "Maybe if you tried it again you'll get 'em all."

"Oh, come on Mark, it looks easy. You can do it," Margie encouraged. "Win me something!"

"Okay. Let's try again, sir."

Doctor Tongue chuckled to himself next door. "Fools! I've precisely measured the ball and the milk can placement. Only a perfect throw - and a small earthquake - will knock down all three at once. And just maybe he'll pull a muscle or tear a rotator cuff in the process. Ha ha ha ha!"

After a few more failed attempts by Mark to win a prize, Doctor Tongue followed the couple to the last area of the midway - the Fun House. He waited while the couple bought a ticket to go in and motioned the attendant to follow them. "Little will they suspect that the attendant is...a local vampire! He's also a hobo, so I got him to work for almost nothing besides the chance at a few victims. Ha ha ha ha!"

The couple made their way past the shifting floor plates, the air blasts and neon lights until they found themselves in the mirror section. After enjoying the distorted shapes their reflections made they entered the house of mirrors. "I'm coming to suck your blood!" the carnie said as he entered after them. Laughing, the couple pretended to be scared and after a short time found their way out of the maze, showing mock relief at having escaped the vampire. Arm in arm, they made their way back towards the carnival exit.

"This was great! Do we have to go now?" Margie asked.

"It's late, they're about to close, and we wouldn't want to get locked in until morning!" He laughed and his girlfriend joined him as they made their way out.

The vampire, who claimed his name was Carl, found himself unable to solve the path to get out. With no reflection, all the surfaces of the mirrors and clear glass looked the same. The couple (and Bruno and Doctor Tongue that shadowed them) were much too far away to hear Carl as he kept running into various surfaces. "Ouch! Ouch! Damn it. Help!"

Doctor Tongue to go check on Carl but the minion got distracted and didn't check on him until next morning. Mysteriously, all he could find was a pile of ash in the mirrored hallway so he just assumed that Carl had started a small campfire to keep warm before he finally go out and moved to the next town...

...

The scene cut back to Count Floyd, who was looking at his reflection in a handheld mirror; not surprising since he was none other than SCTV owner and president Guy Caballero in costume. "I wonder how...ah, Hi folks. It's going to be a scary film, right? Be sure to wear those special glasses, and don't try to wear your old ones upside down or…ah…your eyes will get crossed and you'll stay that way the rest of your life. So see you this Saturday on - Monster Chiller Horror Theatre. Ah-roooooooo!"

The End

A/N: A show whose premise was a tiny TV station/network that had a variety of low-budget shows where a lot of comedic actors got their starts through the Second City comedy troupe. Look up the video of "Doctor Tongue's 3-D House of Pancakes" to see how bad the so-called films were! But while I was writing a story for "The Lost Boys" another idea regarding mirrors came to me, so this was where I shoehorned it in.