When Kate came to, sure she hadn't been going to, it was to Megan's hand on her thigh, pulling down her skirt, protecting her modesty - and the small puncture marks that would release the deadly disease inside of her. And then Megan's hand was on her throat, checking her pulse, and Kate couldn't remember if Megan's hand had ever been on her bare skin before. Not the right moment to notice, but she noticed nonetheless. And then she was whispering Megan's name out of hope and despair, knowing she wouldn't survive, that this was merely a reprieve that would buy her time.
Time to regret that she'd gone after Todd, when it had been Megan she'd wanted. Time enough to regret that Megan's soft caress on her face was the first time she'd felt it. Time enough to regret the look in Megan's eyes as she looked down at her - eyes that held as much as her own did, the same regrets, the same affection.
But Megan had bought her time. And Megan was the smartest person she knew. If anyone could formulate a cure, it was Megan. Maybe with Kate as incentive, Megan would work harder and faster.
As they waited for the ambulance, Megan took off her jacket and placed it on her lap, propping Kate up against her at the appropriate angle to help her breathe. She procured some water and helped Kate gulp it down. They knew it wasn't airborne, but Megan wiped excess water from Kate's chin carefully. It was against all protocol, but Kate couldn't bring herself to scold Megan for once. They both knew the risk, the exposure Megan was risking to give Kate comfort in what could be her last moments. She just closed her eyes, Megan's hands folded across her chest to keep her upright, Megan's reassuring words lost in the muddle of her mind but their meaning coming across anyway. Megan wanted her to survive. Megan cared about her. She whispered Megan's name, and Megan shook her gently to keep her awake, keep her conscious.
"Right here, Kate," Megan said firmly. "Not going anywhere. You're not getting rid of me that easily." If she could speak, she'd say something witty about Megan, maybe something about how she'd never be rid of her because she lived in her mind rent free, but she couldn't so she just squeezed Megan's hand and relaxed against Megan's chest.
The medics were a shock, loud and jarring, stabbing needles, running tubes, Megan's arms the only comfort as her breath rasped against her exhausted airways. They had to pull her, eventually, out of Megan's embrace, Kate's sweaty palm still clasping Megan's.
As they loaded her up, Megan hovered, securing the fit of her oxygen mask, brushing Kate's hair from her face, tending to her. Tending. Tender. Megan leaned in, hand on Kate's shoulder.
"Listen to me. You better not die on me. I don't have a lot of girl friends. I can't afford to lose even one."
And Kate's heart, already worn out, skipped at the implication that Megan considered Kate somewhat of a girlfriend.
Megan came when Kate called. To answer a question. To confirm something Kate suspected. That the 72 hours wasn't a hard and fast rule. Kate felt self conscious in her gown, Megan in her coat, looking normal. Looking even better because she looked normal, when Kate's world was suddenly doctors and patients, and she was both at once.
And then Megan was there, of course she was. In full PPE this time, thank goodness. Kate could tell what was going on, but Megan said girlfriends again, and Kate just stared at her, drinking in the sight of her. And then the cure failed, and Kate was thankful for a moment that Megan hadn't been allowed to try it on her first. That Megan hadn't had to watch her die. And Megan sat there as they wheeled the body away, the warm weight of her a comfort against Kate's side.
And Megan insisted on staying, and Kate insisted that she leave. She didn't say girl friend, but she said good friend, because she was dying quickly and Megan was running out of time to save her. She didn't want Megan mourning her more than she needed to. She didn't need Megan to know. It would only hurt her. Megan was already crying. Kate couldn't - shouldn't - tell her. Not now.
And so Megan left.
And when she woke, Megan and the rest of the team was there. Watching her hopefully. That was when Kate knew it was over. That she'd live. That she'd get another chance to tell Megan, once she was stronger, once she could get up and dress herself. For now she just nodded, meeting Megan's eyes, so soft as they looked at Kate even though she must look a mess. And Megan stayed while they distributed the rest, even though she could help someone else.
"Let me be selfish, just this once," Megan had said, when the team had dispersed to dispense the cure. They nodded, all clearly wanting to stay, but knowing Kate and Megan had earned this. Megan perched on the bed again, still in her full PPE, pulling away the tape that held her glove. She slipped her bare hand into Kate's.
"I'm probably still infectious," Kate pointed out.
"Luckily I'm really good at washing my hands," Megan countered, and there it was, the smug arrogance that drove Kate crazy. "I was really worried," Megan said quietly. "Really worried that I'd never get to tell you..." Megan trailed off. "How much I admire you. Anyone else would have been scared for themselves, but you turned me out so I could save more people than just you, when I would have let them all die just for the chance for five more minutes with you."
"And I was scared I'd never be able to tell you. I do count you as a good friend. You're the only person who really sees me sometimes, and that scares me too."
"You can't be scared of me," Megan said, caressing the back of Kate's hand with her thumb. "Because I'm scared of you. You see right through me, Kate. I put on so many layers and shields and defenses and you see right through them all. You cut to the marrow of me, and that's terrifying."
"So we scare each other. That's ideal, isn't it?" Kate asked, and Megan chuckled.
"The last time I was this scared was when I held Lacey for the first time. She was so small, so reliant on me, and I was so young. I didn't know how to be responsible for her, but I loved her so much I could barely breathe." Megan took a deep breath, released Kate's hand and cupped Kate's cheek. "I felt that way holding you outside the office."
Kate swallowed; she could feel her raspy throat and heavy eyelids, her tired heartbeat, but this was important.
"I felt safe," Kate said finally, swallowing. "You were the first thing I saw after I thought I'd died, and I thought you were an angel for a moment. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven." When she looked up, Megan was crying inside her face shield. Kate felt her own tears flowing, felt Megan's bare hand brush them away. Biological hazard, she wanted to say, but Megan was looking at her, and she knew Megan knew, knew Megan would wash her hand very well.
"Well, you'd better rest up," Megan said, swallowing. "Because as soon as you're out of here, I plan on taking you as close to heaven humans can get without actually dying." Megan's smirk was back, but instead of being infuriating it was endearing when Megan used it with an euphemism.
And then Megan was gone, the sway of her hips triumphant even in her Tyvek.
Notes:
Title from Ben Lee