Jane wasn't sure what the Secret Service - or IRS, whoever they were, Jane had seen the ID from the little redhead and she'd clearly held out the wrong one - wanted with Maura. Or why they were searching Maura's entire Beacon Hill house without a warrant. She'd run their names in the database and they seemed legit. She'd even made a few calls to the FBI to verify that they were in fact Secret Service. Although announcing themselves as such certainly ruined the secret. All Jane could reasonably do is watch them search Maura's house, comforting Maura as they touched all of her things, and put things back exactly where she knew they were supposed to go to prevent a full meltdown from Maura.
"Are you sure you didn't buy anything new, anything old, anything at all that felt strange, or smelled like fudge?" Agent Bering asked. Jane liked her the most of the team; she was polite and professional. Well, disliked her least. The man had tried to throw one of Maura's inscribed Egyptian ostrich eggs for some sort of ritual like a football and Jane had had to clothesline him, catching the egg and putting it back while Agent Bering and Agent Wells chastised him thoroughly. Jane put an arm around Maura, who covered her eyes, turning into Jane's strong chest to hide her face.
"This place is as big as the Warehouse," Agent Donovan said wearily. "Hey wait - you don't happen to have an inventory, do you?" she asked Maura, who nodded and pointed to her computer. Agent Donovan held it while Jane navigated to the database. "Sweet! HG, c'mere." Jane resumed comforting her traumatised girlfriend.
"It's okay, I think they're going to stop touching everything now they have your list," Jane whispered, and Maura pulled away, nodding. "Aw, baby, it's okay," Jane said, wiping tears from Maura's face. Internal Affair's team of thugs coming through and tearing up the place hadn't upset her this much - Frost had said, since they hadn't been on speaking terms at the time. "They're wearing gloves, and when they're gone Ma and Frankie and me will come through and help put everything back exactly where it used to be, okay?" Maura nodded miserably, looking over at her computer.
"I just don't understand what they want. Is this about Paddy? I showed you the letters he sent from prison - they were already vetted by the prison and an external agency before being sent to me."
Agent Bering looked up. She seemed the most... personable... of the sorry looking bunch. The little nerdy one and the slightly taller nerdy one were elbow deep in spreadsheets and cross references, and the big lug was pacing with his hands out as though he could sense where whatever they were looking for was. Jane's eyes narrowed; since when did they let Brits in the Secret Service anyway? Wasn't that a conflict of interest?
Agent Bering joined them, reached out a gloved hand but paused when Maura flinched before it could even touch her. "We're sorry, we're not here to cause any distress, and we'll help put everything back."
"I just don't see what I could possibly have that's of Federal interest. I only have copies of the Federal documentation - I told you, the Isles Foundation has them shown in museums all over the country - there's nothing here." Agent Bering's brow furrowed.
"It's not that simple, I'm afraid. You're not - you're not a person of interest. We just think something has been sent here by mistake."
"It would help if we knew what you thought it was."
Agent Bering sighed again, and Agent Wells looked up, the sound distressing her slightly until Agent Bering sent her a soft smile. "We don't know, not exactly. Something old, which, given your tastes and expendable income... could be anything here. Have either of you noticed anything odd recently?"
"I don't see..." Maura started again.
"You wouldn't, not with the way you're ogling my partner's chest," Agent Lattimer said, a little too aggressively for Jane's liking. She hadn't noticed this little quirk of Maura's for a very long time, and she knew it was just Maura's staring place when she'd run out of eye contact. He came towards them, and Maura flinched again, and Jane caught him on the back of the head with the very heavy (and modern, rather than ancient) wooden salad serving fork she happened to have retrieved from him earlier.
"Oops," Jane said, very sarcastically. She nudged Pete's body with her foot. "And she's neurodivergent, jackhole."
Maura took the fork and checked it for injuries, oblivious to the sudden tension in the room. Agent Wells and Agent Bering covered their mouths, but not because Pete had been KO'd. They looked around at the mess they'd let him make and exchanged a rather guilty look. And the little one, the one with her feet on the furniture - which she was thankfully removing from the furniture right now - had big, wide eyes, as though she'd broken something.
"He's asleep, he can't hear you," Agent Donovan said eventually.
"Yeah, well, when he wakes up I'll tell him again. Louder," Jane promised. Maura shot her a little look. "With less violence?" she asked, and Maura nodded. "With less violence," she added, more sure of herself now that Maura had agreed.
"Sorry about him," Agent Bering said finally. "Um. I think you can lodge a complaint with the ADA?"
"I'm sorry for staring, Jane did say people find it off-putting," Maura was still examining the fork. "But I need somewhere to look that isn't your eyes. I'm rather uncomfortable with the whole situation if I'm being honest." Agent Bering shrugged as though she either hadn't noticed Maura's gaze on her chest, or as though it hadn't bothered her.
"Do you want to go and sit in the guesthouse?" Jane asked, running soothing hands over Maura's back.
"Guesthouse?" Agent Donovan's head shot up. "What guesthouse?"
"The carriage house. My Ma lives there."
"And has she had something old show up? Had she had anything strange happen to her recently?"
"You can ask her yourself," Jane said, gesturing to the open door Angela was coming through.
"Oh sweetheart, what a mess - are you okay?" Angela said, coming over and holding Maura, looking around in astonishment. "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves," she barked at all the agents, who immediately looked contrite; except Agent Lattimer, since he was still unconscious.
"Mrs. Rizzoli, have you come across or received anything lately that is old or smells like fudge?" Agent Bering asked bravely, and Agent Wells shot her an admiring look, one that lingered in several of the same places Maura's had.
"Well, my cousin did send me this, from the old country," Angela said, pulling a wooden pendant from her bag. "But she said it's good luck, and it certainly has been! I met the most gorgeous man today - a cardiologist, can you believe?" Agent Bering took the pendant and slipped it into what looked like a computer hard drive static bag. There were sparks, and Angela's face dropped. "My cousin sent me that," she said sternly, and Agent Bering pulled it from the bag.
"You appear to have deactivated it, darling," Agent Wells said stoically. "We may as well be on our way and not trouble these people any more."
"We'll need to keep this, I'm afraid," Agent Bering said, putting the pendant away as Agent Donovan handed back Maura's laptop with an apologetic little smile. "But we'll have a replica made and sent to you. I'm afraid this one is good luck right up until it isn't."
Agent Bering looked around the living room warily, avoiding Angela's angry gaze as Jane whispered to her that they were Secret Service and that they could keep her necklace and everything else she'd ever owned if they wanted to.
"We'll get out of your hair, then. We appear to have caused you enough distress for one day," Agent Wells said, shaking her head, her obsidian hair transfixing Agent Bering, who nodded a few moments later.
"We can help clean up, if you'd like," Agent Bering offered, but Maura shook her head. They wouldn't know where anything was supposed to go; they would only get in the way.
"You can take that with you," Jane said, pointing down to where Agent Lattimer lay, now curled on his side and snoring. "And teach him some manners while you're at it," Jane grumbled, still rubbing Maura's back. Agent Bering reached into her bag as though something in there would help her carry him out, but Agent Wells rolled her eyes, grabbed the back of Agent Lattimer's hoodie and started dragging him to the door, not careful of the bead of the door, letting his head smack into it, and he woke up, already complaining as Agent Wells shoved him out of the house with a few stern words. Agent Donovan looked up at Maura, then away quickly.
"I'm sorry. But, you know, it helps. Knowing that someone like me could be someone like you one day. Gives me something for my jaded teenage heart to aspire to." And then she was gone, leaving just Agent Bering and Agent Wells with Jane, Maura and Angela.
"You can file with the ADA, but our organisation... the work we do... I don't..." Agent Bering looked as though she didn't like not having answers, like she didn't like leaving the people affected by her work distraught like this.
"We'll be okay," Jane said lowly, "We always are, aren't we honey?" Maura looked up and met Jane's eyes, nodding, letting Jane kiss her forehead. "But if you let that big, idiot moose you call a colleague come near us or this house ever again I am hunting down every single person in your organisation and I am going to explain in very frank terminology exactly the damage he did here today."
Agent Wells nodded and tugged at Agent Bering's forearm. "Come, darling, leave them be. We've done enough harm already."
"We'll have the replica sent as soon as it's finished," Agent Bering promised as she was unceremoniously tugged away. Jane only left Maura long enough to close the front door against the bickering she could still hear outside - it appeared as though Agent Lattimer had called shotgun but Agent Donovan was faster, presumably from her lack of concussion. Before she closed the door she saw Agent Wells slip a sneaky kiss against the mouth of Agent Bering, shooting Jane a sly smile before they were off, sliding into the car. Jane stayed and made sure they left before she locked the door firmly.
"There's only one thing to do," Maura said finally. "It was time for a proper dust, anyway."
Jane groaned. Maura had so many things, and they were all dust magnets. She was going to be up all night because of those agents - who she was sure couldn't be real agents, none of them had even tried to shoot her when she knocked that idiot man-child out. None of them had even drawn a weapon. She shook her head and sighed, fetching Maura's favourite apron from behind the door, pulling out the cloth she tied around her hair when she cleaned and fastening it over Maura's golden curls.
"Thank you for defending my honour, Jane," Maura said as Jane slid the apron onto her.
"Any time, but especially when I get to knock out a Secret Service agent for you," Jane smiled, giving Maura a quick, easy kiss, seeing Maura's face relax as she did, a little smile settling on her lips when Jane pulled away.
"Jane, fire up the google, I need to find out how to sue the Secret Service for a family heirloom," Angela said, sitting at the counter in front of the computer. Jane sighed and shut the laptop.
"Later, Ma, Maura needs our emotional support right now," Jane said gently.
"All right, all right, but you're not getting out of it that easy."
"Ma, that thing was ugly anyway. You never wore it."
"Yeah, but it sure was lucky," Angela said, wiggling her eyebrows. Little did she know that the last owner of the pendant had been Ann Hodges, the only person ever unfortunate enough to be hit by a meteorite - which was the last fortunate thing to happen to her.
Notes:
I got on a roll on the discord about what would happen if the Warehouse team met Rizzoli and Isles:
Jane would straight up punch out Pete
he'd make a joke about Maura staring at boobs and Jane would cold-cock him without a word
then Jane would shake her hand out and say 'she's neurodivergent, jackhole' and Maura would check Jane's knuckles for contusions
and Claud would say 'uh, he's asleep, he can't hear you.'
and Jane would say 'well, when he wakes up I'll tell him again,' and Maura would give her a look 'with less punching?'