Elliot bounced Noah as he paced across the living room floor. He got cranky in the evenings as it got close to bedtime, and Liv always wanted to do his bedtime routine. Elliot could obviously do it in her absence, but he had become picky about some things, and he always insisted on having Olivia at bedtime.

Noah continued to squirm, and make sounds of general displeasure, but Elliot was lost in his own mind. His brain seemed to want to replay the argument on loop, and his stomach clenched everytime he recalled his words.

I never had kids.

Maybe that's a good thing.

How could he be so stupid? He knew how she felt about being a mom, and she was incredible at it. Noah couldn't be more loved. He had lashed out, and in that impulsive fury he landed a devastating blow.

It had been a couple hours since she left, and everything inside of him wanted to chase after her, but Noah needed him.

He continued to bounce and sway, dropping a soft kid on the boy's head. Just as his eyes began to droop Elliot heard the key turning in the lock. Relief washed over him. He hadn't screwed everything up…he hadn't demolished the relationship that mattered the most.

Noah's head whipped toward the door, and Elliot followed suit, but instead of Olivia he was met with a blonde cyclone of fury.

Amanda's jaw clenched as she reached for Noah. Without a word she took the baby back into his room. He heard her coo at him and give him some toys before she returned to where Elliot stood awkwardly.

"What the actual hell? What..why.." she began to sputter, and Elliot wasn't sure he had ever seen her this angry. "If you wanted to hurt her you did a damn good job!"

"I didn't…"

Amanda didn't let him finish the thought. "I swear Elliot. I love you like a brother, but Liv is my best friend." She shook her head. "I get that couples fight or whatever, but whatever the hell you said has her messed up."

His eyes dropped to his feet. "How bad?"

"Well, she's at work…and it doesn't look like she plans on ever leaving." Amanda folded her arms over her chest and leaned back. "I don't think she's coming home tonight."

Elliot groaned and dropped himself on the couch. "Look, I know I'm an ass, and I said something that…" he groaned again. He glanced back at Amanda. "What's my play here?"

"Fix it," Amanda said simply. She moved to the couch to sit next to him. "Look. You were partners forever. You know her. You know what you should do so get your ass down to the precinct and do it."

It took a minute to process her words and decide on what to do. He stood slowly. "You got Noah?"

"Course I do. He knows he's my favorite baby," Amanda smiled.

Elliot snagged his keys from the hook and made his way towards the door. Before he left he looked over his shoulder. "Thanks, Amanda."

She smiled in return, "get outta here Stabler."

-000-

The precinct was all but abandoned when he pushed through the doors. A minimal amount of cops wandered around, zombies who somehow got roped into a night shift.

The SVU squad room was completely abandoned, but he knew Olivia was here somewhere. She wouldn't have left the place completely unattended, and this had become her sanctuary away from home.

He passed her desk, and smiled at the pencil and separate colored highlighters haphazardly strewn across her desk. His hand drifted over the adjoining desk, the one that once was his, and swallowed his emotion as memories assaulted him.

Thousands of memories. Snapshots of the life they lived side by side, but never truly together. Thirteen years of coffee, worn out smiles and days old clothes. There were years of stake outs and tender bushes of their shoulders. That had been their only way to show support or affection for years. His hand tightened into a fist, and he pressed it into the decades old wood, as if it could absorb the guilt and fear squeezing his heart.

A shuffling sound caught his attention. The sound was muffled by the door leading to the cribs, but the sound of someone vomiting was clear as day.

Elliot rushed to the door, and unceremoniously flung it open. He found olivia hunched over a nearby trash can, losing everything she had eaten for dinner.

He bounded to her side, pulling her hair back to keep it from the wrenching of her stomach. He waited as she coughed and spat what was left in her mouth. She reached for Elliot's hand, brushing it aside. Her hair tumbled down to her shoulders, and her entire frame shook. "Liv," he said softly and he reached for her arm to steady her.

Olivia pushed his hand away. "I'm fine El. Go back home. Noah needs you." She managed to pull her body to a nearby bunk, and dropped onto the squeaky mattress.

Elliot nodded and stepped away. Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. Elliot stepped away from cribs, leaving her in peace, but he had no intention of leaving her alone.

He made his way to the break room and pulled open the refrigerator. A case of water bottles sat on the bottom shelf so he grabbed a couple before shutting the door. He pulled a couple cabinet doors until he found a stack of mugs. After pushing a few out of the way he found Olivia's. With his hands full he returned to the cribs only to find liv hovering over the trash can again, taking slow breaths.

He immediately dropped everything onto the bed to steady her. She looked like she might topple. He held her hand as she dry heaved. The contents of her stomach had long since met the bottom of the trash can.

Finally, she settled and dropped her forehead to the trash can edge. Without a word he led her back to the bottom bunk. He reached for a water bottle and passed it to her. She took a mouthful and Elliot held out the mug so she could spit the acrid taste from her mouth.

Without a word, she handed the water back to him, but he refused, "take a swallow." The last thing he wanted was for her to dehydrate.

Her voice came out with a croak. "No way." She cleared her throat. "I'm not putting anything back in there." She eyed the trash can warily.

He stood his ground. "One swallow or taking you to the ER."

She glared and muttered something that sounded like "asshole" before taking a quick swig. "Happy?" The word dripped with sarcasm.

He sighed. Happy was the furthest emotion right now. "Liv," he refrained from a scolding tone. He knew she hadn't taken her medication religiously for awhile now, and he was willing to bet she was downing coffee without food. Between that and the stress of everything, he worried her ulcer was returning. At the last second he decided to table that conversation. He needed to fix what he broke.

Her eyes focused on the wall, as if she couldn't bear looking at his face. "What?"

He scooted himself closer and dropped his hand over hers. "I'm sorry. I honestly have no idea why I said that."

More tears welled her eyes and she looked completely spent. "Maybe you're right though."

"Hey," he said kindly. "Look at me."

She bit her lip, but lifted her eyes to his face. His large hand cupped her cheek. "You are the most incredible person I've ever known, Liv. You gotta know that." He sighed and situated himself on his back next to her. She shifted around so she was laying on her side facing him. His gaze fixed on the bunk above them as he admitted something he had never said to anyone. "I'm scared we're gonna lose him," his voice thickened with emotion. "And that's not an excuse to say what I said, but I just…" he blew out a long breath.

"I'm scared too," she whispered.

He rolled onto his side and dropped his arm over her waist. "I'm really sorry Liv. I didn't mean it, really, not at all."

"I know," her voice remained soft. "I'm pretty familiar with your patterns by now El. When you get scared you lash out…I've only been on the receiving end a few times so it just…stung."

His stomach sank even further. She was struggling with everything, and his thoughtless words made things worse. The one person who was supposed to lift her up, shoved her mercilessly down. He brought his lips to her forehead. "You are the best mom for Noah. He's happy and loved and all of that is because of you. You brought him to us. You made him ours." He brushed his hand over her cheek, "He's our baby Liv, and you made that happen for us."

He watched as her eyes filled with tears. "I just…I hate taking him to the prison and to the halfway house...but…" he waited patiently for her to finish her thought. "I want him to know her, or at least about her or who she is." She sniffled a little and added, "you don't know what it's like…not knowing where you came from." Her words were soft but filled with pain.

"You're right," Elliot admitted. "But for me," he lifted his arm behind his head, "knowing where I came from wasn't a great help." He sighed. "In fact, it probably made things worse."

"But at least you didn't have to wonder. You didn't have to know that at least one of your parents was a monster and the other was so damaged she couldn't cope." She scooted herself closer so she was now flush with his side. She rested her head on his shoulder, and his whole body radiated warmth.

"Maybe not," he said carefully. "But I spent my whole life wondering if I would become exactly like them. I thought I would either turn out eccentric like my mother, or an unscrupulous philandering abuser like my father."

"You are none of those things."

He nodded noncommittally. In his mind he wasn't much better than his own father. After all, he left his family because he fell in love with someone else. He had a temper, and he may not physically harm his family, he hurt them with his words. As much as he hated it, he wasn't any better than Joe Stabler.

He was so lost in thought he startled when her hand touched his face, and turned it towards her. "You know that right?" Her deep brown eyes held his with the perfect empathy she always extended to others.

He didn't answer immediately. He was struck by how much he loved her, and how he didn't deserve someone like her. When he finally got his emotion in check, he answered. "I don't know that. Cycles repeat themselves. You know that, and I'm not exactly like my father, but…" he wasn't sure he could say the words out loud. "Aren't I a temperamental asshole who hurts everyone I love? It's not like I did a good job at keeping my family together either."

Without warning her lips were on his, and he was immediately caught up in her perfect expression of love.

Her lips moved on his, slow and sweet, and he could feel the message she was trying to communicate. She loved him, flaws and all. After a moment she pulled away a little, "You are so much more than those things El." She pecked his lips again, but her face remained close, "You are strong, and brave. You want to do what's right and you would die for the ones you love." He felt her wet tears drop to his cheek. "We are all messed up in one way or another, but you are not The your father. You are a good man."

He thought his chest would burst with the swelling of his heart. He loved her so damn much, and she was everything. "I love you," he whispered against her lips.

She grinned, "you better."

He smiled in response before pulling her onto his chest. He kissed her gently, but it was full of meaning. One hand slid down the course of her spine while the other threaded through her hair as he kissed her deeply.

His tongue swept the inside of her mouth, eliciting a light hum. She broke the kiss in favor of sliding her tongue across the rough stubble of his jawline. He couldn't help his sharp intake of breath or his wandering hands. He dug his fingers into the warm supppe curve of her ass, forcing her hips closer. Her responding moan excited him further. When she began sucking at a tender spot behind his ear, he groaned out her name, "Liv." She continued nipping at the spot, marking his skin. "We should probably go home," he mumbled. He wasn't really committed to the idea.

"No," she nipped at his ear. "I'm just fine right here." He sensed her mischievous grin more than saw it.

"Okay then," he grinned in return. His hands slipped out of her leggings before he deftly removed her shirt, tossing it carelessly to the floor.

She sat back so her ass pressed into his pelvis. She knew he loved to see her like this, straddling his stomach, topless and waiting for him. "Come 'ere," he growled, and he rolled her beneath him. He began began pressing warm kisses down her neck and down her chest. His eyes flit to her face as he ran his tongue across her lacy bra line.

Her hand rose to the back of his head and she scratched the back of his head gently. "I love you," she breathed. "More than you could ever know."