"Row, row, row your stolen boat, harshly down the lake. Angrily, ornery, viciously, life's but a hell hole."
The sweaty, overheating Ryan sang to himself as he struggled to keep pace with the yacht, which was already just a speck in the distance.
Sighing, he ceased rowing for the moment, needing to relax his arm muscles, and tipped his hat to look at the sky, squinting from the blinding sun. At least the snooping vulture remained unaccounted for, and Ryan could only hope that he gave him and his blood-hungry boss the slip.
"As if..." he thought sardonically, knowing better than to underestimate his rotten lot in life. "I'll only be rid of that cur once I have his pelt as a trophy!"
But a 12-year-old boy couldn't slay a humongous wolf without proper weaponry, so he couldn't squander his luck while it was still rolling.
He hissed through gritted teeth, dipped his hand into the water, and splashed himself in the face, before exhaling and resuming rowing.
There was a tense silence as Lynn and Lincoln followed Lyle up the stairs leading to the upper deck.
The dumbass had his back turned on them, which gave Lynn some ideas, despite her desire to remain cautious.
Cupping her mouth with one hand, she whispered. "Psst...what do ya say I knock 'im out and we lock 'im up somewhere?"
"No, no..." Lincoln whispered back, trying to stay calm "...how will we explain his absence?"
Lincoln felt a shiver as he realized that this was his only issue with Lynn's proposition. Were they getting that desperate? Then again, the guy was an unhinged maniac who tried to kill Lincoln and his sisters.
"I can clonk 'im real good." Lynn reasoned when she was suddenly greeted by clear blue skies. She cursed at herself inwardly, her opportunity had passed. Being cautious had its drawbacks.
Lyle suddenly turned towards them, making them jerk nervously, as he pointed ahead. "She's here somewhere."
Lynn and Lincoln's eyes widened as they spotted their parents, awake and well, playing shuffleboard on the deck. Looking around the deck, they likewise saw Lola, wearing sunglasses and a pink one-piece swimsuit, reclining on a mattress float in the middle of the pool.
Nearby was a small badminton court, where Luna was playing against their host, both of them wearing matching white shirts, shorts, and visor caps.
"Heya, dudes!" the rocker waved. "How 'bout two 'gainst two-hey!" she cried as the birdie flew past her racket and hit her side of the court.
"You snooze, you lose, Luna." Kathleen bragged while holding her racket over her shoulder and looking at her nails before spotting Lynn and Lincoln in the distance.
"Enjoying the tour around my yacht?" she smiled casually. Lincoln and Lynn didn't answer immediately and kept looking around. They had to know where everyone was, especially their youngest sibling.
They saw their two oldest sisters sitting on stools opposite of each other and painting on canvases, with Amber by Leni's side, looking awestruck.
"You're like a totally amazing artist!" Amber squeaked.
Leni, who was wearing a beret, neck scarf, and striped shirt, smiled. "Merci, mon très cher ami. Est-ce que vous progressez, Lori?"
"We should probably do something about that?" Lincoln made a mental note.
The other blonde teen wore a frustrated expression as well as copious amounts of paint on her face and clothes.
"Don't mock me, you wannabe artist!" she retorted angrily, before smiling with glee and turning her canvas around, showing a crudely drawn house with a blue sky, green lawn, and a single white cloud.
"Awww...c'est si beau." Leni gushed.
"Not too shabby, huh?" Lori huffed smugly. "Let's see yours."
"Oui, oui." Leni happily obliged and showed Lori her masterpiece, making the latter's jaw drop. Leni had made a perfect replica of The Starry Night.
"Pour être juste, votre peinture est plus originale." Leni admitted humbly.
Steaming with rage, Lori screamed through clenched teeth, stood up, and kicked her canvas into two.
Leni cluched her hands. "Merveilleux! Art de la performance!"
"I demand a rematch! Your... foreign chatter threw me off my game!" Lori insisted as Lyle, who snickered in amusement, and Lincoln, who looked uneasy watching his sister blow a fuse, passed by her, while Lynn stopped to give some encouraging words.
"That's the spirit, big girl." the jock humored her. "Just don't pull a muscle again, it could cost you your victory."
"Oui, on ne peut pas peindre avec une crampe." Leni advised her.
"Piss off, twerp!" Lori threw her brush at Lynn, who ducked, sniggered, and walked away from her.
"Guess Leni's not the only one who knows her French." the tween said snidely.
Luna tried to hit the birdie, but her aim was rather wonky and it flew past her again, causing her to lose her balance and fall on her knees.
"Awww, man..." she sulked.
"Tisk, tisk." Kathleen shook her head. "You need to stay focused. I was hoping for more of a challenge."
"You wouldn't be so haughty if ya faced me on the court." Lynn thought.
"Yo, Kathleen!" Lyle barged up to her. "These two frea...passengers wanted to see ya."
"No problem, I'm all ears." the rich girl said, as the siblings shifted uneasily in front of her. "Anything I can help you with? You just missed a lovely dinner, but if you want to, I could serve up seconds-"
"No thanks!" Lynn said firmly. "We ain't hungry."
"Suit yourselves." Kathleen shrugged. "But if you don't mind me asking, it seems we have three Louds uncounted for?"
"Oh, they're downstairs in one of your rooms." Lyle was quick to answer with a gleeful grin.
Kathleen smiled. "I know Luan would prefer to avoid my company but what about the other two?"
"They're busy." Lynn folded her arms.
"With what?"
"Luan's helping Lucy with one of her poems." Lincoln answered, trying not to sound suspicious. "So is Lana."
"Lana?" Kathleen looked unconvinced. "She doesn't strike me as the...literary type? And didn't Luan take a vow of silence for her mime act?"
"Doesn't mean she can't write." Lucy replied, making the older kids collectively jolt.
The goth and Lana were standing right in front of them, looking innocent and unassuming.
"The hell did you come from?" Lyle asked angrily, clutching his chest.
"You just answered that question five seconds ago. Bad memory, huh?" Lucy retorted with underlying cheekiness, making Lyle's eye twitch under his shades.
Without much thought, he stepped forward, ready to hit a home run with her, when Kathleen stepped on his foot, making him stop and swallow a yelp.
"Unfortunately." Kathleen was happy to agree. "With him, everything goes into one ear and out the other."
"Hey!"
"But let's cut him some slack, for even the slower-minded ones deserve a chance to nurture their sense of altruism."
"Speaking of missing passengers?" Lincoln cut in. "Where are Lisa and her friend?"
"Oh, they are taking their afternoon nap." Kathleen nonchalantly pointed over her shoulder.
The siblings saw her pointing at two empty beach chairs in the shade of a parasol, with two blankets thrown to the floor. As Kathleen turned around, her eyes widened.
"What the?" she caught herself, regained her composure, and scanned the deck.
"Seems they wandered off a bit?" She chuckled until she spotted the two climbing up the railings at the edge of the bow. The siblings all felt their hearts skip a beat while Kathleen bolted towards them.
"Wooooo...ya see any fishies, Wisa?" a somewhat dizzy Darcy said as she leaned over the railings, staring into the blue water and foamy white wake of the boat.
Lisa giggled. "No, do you?"
"Get back here, idiot!" Kathleen yanked her back, while Darcy laughed and leaned further.
Trying to suppress her temper, Kathleen forced a smile as she held up the blissfully oblivious Lisa. "Lisa...you oughta be more careful, you could have fallen off the boat."
"We're lookin' for fishies, right Darcy?" Lisa smiled while her friend fell over. Luckily, Lynn grabbed her leg in the nick of time and pulled her up, all the while Darcy giggled obliviously.
"I think I saw a fishy!" Darcy cheered, her eyes half-lidded, while Lynn gave her an annoyed look, which she promptly shifted towards Kathleen as she placed the toddler down.
"Oh, right? Debby...thank goodness you're okay." Kathleen said less-than-convincingly as she placed Lisa down. "Be careful too."
Before Lynn could get a word in, Kathleen continued. "I think you two rambunctious rugrats should be appointed a guard. I think that should be-"
"Good idea, I'll look after her." Lincoln swooped in and pulled Lisa by the elbow. "You can look after Darcy."
Kathleen pulled her back. "No, no. I insist on making up for my blunder."
Lincoln pulled back. "You're very generous, but I know my sisters the best."
"But you're supposed to be enjoying yourself." Kathleen replied, more tensely than she intended.
Seeing an opening, Lucy cut in. "You should leave it to Lincoln, Kathleen. You don't have the best track record as a babysitter, as we just witnessed."
Kathleen blinked "Excuse me?"
Lucy grew a wry smile. "Everyone knows about that time your father made you look after the kids of some heiress, and you let those five-year-old triplets trick you into getting yourself locked in a closet, allowing them to trash their mansion."
"Yeah..." Lana joined the goth "...it was in all the tablets."
"Tabloids." Lucy whispered to her.
Lyle snorted. "Really now?"
Seeing Kathleen turning pink, clearly not having expected the ambush, Lynn smiled deviously and shook her head.
That was the sort of embarrassing blunder every fresh-faced babysitter went through. At least that's what she heard. Nobody in their right mind would leave their toddler alone with Lynn Loud Jr.
"Yeesh. That explains a lot. You can run over-elaborate charity events but you can't keep three ankle-bitters in line? Weeeaaaak."
Kathleen tried to keep her tone even. "That story was...majorly exaggerated. It's unwise to trust tabloids. They are made to be attention-grabbers, not to be informative."
"I dunno...those sure sound like symptoms of afluenza." Lucy countered, improvising a bit. "You rich folk are highly susceptible to it."
"Ewww..." Lana stepped back. "You mean we could catch something from her?"
Kathleen was trembling again while Lucy explained, "No, Lana. It's just a fancy way of saying that rich people are too pampered and airheaded to do even the most basic of tasks, things you and I would find as easy as switching a lightbulb."
Lana guffawed. "Wait? You saying Kathleen doesn't know how to switch a lightbulb?"
"Could be? She probably relies on her servants for such menial tasks?" Lucy shrugged. Lyle snickered under his breath while an antsy Kathleen eyed Lynn and Lincoln.
"Guys..." she tried to sound genial, though her facade was on the verge of cracking "...your little sisters are...starting to attack my character."
"Oh, yeah." Lynn pretended to care and "glared" at Lucy and Lana.
"Girls, knock it off." she faux-scolded them. "She's our host. Treat her with some dang respect, am I clear?" she finished with a wink.
"Can I least say how people gossip that she picks her nose?" Lana asked while picking her own. "I don't think it's anything to be ashamed 'bout."
"You like digging for gold nuggets, eh?" Lyle asked Kathleen mockingly.
The latter replied with a teeth-clenched smile. "Of course not. I have an obligation to keep my manners impeccable, not that I wouldn't do it under any other circumstances." she shot the little tomboy a disdainful look.
"Why not? It's fun to fling them." Lana said as she rolled her snot into a tiny ball, and flicked it away before wiping the remained mucus on her overalls. Kathleen shuddered.
Seeing Kathleen's mask breaking, Lincoln started thinking about how to use his camera. Maybe excuse himself and hide it somewhere? But how could he make sure Kathleen would be in the frame?
However, a strange sound derailed his train of thought. His mother laughing! No, this had to be a hallucination brought upon by his concussion. But then he remembered Lyle aggressively offering them drinks earlier.
Turning his gaze in the direction of the laughter, Lincoln saw his parents and studied them as they played shuffleboard. They seemed to be fine, as were Luna and the other sisters. None of them appeared drugged.
His gaze turned to Lisa and Darcy, the latter standing next to Lynn.
"Lis, how are you feeling?" he whispered.
"Swell." Lisa smiled broadly before yawning. Lincoln grew worried. A sleeping toddler was easy to kidnap.
Darcy yawned too and her eyes flickered. "Miss Kaphween? I feel sweepy..."
Calming herself, Kathleen smiled and wagged her finger playfully. "I would think so, you naughty little nix. Good little girls need to take their afternoon nap, so off you go."
"Lisa's not that tired." Lincoln insisted, only to hear snoring and find the former genius leaning against him, sound asleep. So was Darcy, who was lying by Lynn's feet and sucking her thumb.
"You were saying?" Kathleen smiled with underlying smugness and picked Lisa up. "Really, Lincoln? She might be an unparalleled genius, but she's still only three."
"Yeah!" Lyle elbowed him, very roughly. "Show some consideration, dude."
Before anyone could protest, Kathleen placed Lisa back on her beach chair and pulled up her blanket. Lynn eyed her suspiciously.
"Oh, Leslie? Will you please bring Darcy over." she requested in a cloyingly chipper tone. "We should let the little darlings rest."
Grumbling under his breath, Lyle did as he was told while Lincoln was rubbing his sore ribs, and placed Darcy on the adjacent beach chair.
Lynn narrowed her eyes. "And who's gonna watch them, to make sure they don't wander off again?"
"Good question, Lynn?" Kathleen pretended to consider. "Seems none of us here are qualified babysitters, and you two are too young for the job." she added while glancing at Lucy and Lana.
"And I think the only one who has experience dealing with toddlers is hiding in the lower deck?" Kathleen added jokingly, making Lucy and Lincoln scowl.
Lincoln weighed out his options. He would have liked to watch over Lisa himself, but it was also his duty to try and film Kathleen dropping her guard, which could happen any minute now, and he had his reservations about letting Lynn roam free, less Kathleen turned the tables. Not to mention half of his family possibly being-
"I'll do it, bras." Luna walked up to them, looking very happy. "I had enough badminton for today?"
Lincoln gave her a curious look. "You sure about that, Luna?"
"Pffftttt...sure I'm sure, lil' broski." the rocker waved her hand before throwing one arm over Lincoln. "I think I owe ya a solid for helping me patch things up with Sam. I jus' have to sit there and read a magazine anyways."
"Oh, right?" the boy remembered. "Well, if you don't mind."
But he couldn't shake off the feeling that something was seriously off about Luna, and his earlier worries resurfaced.
Narrowing her eyes a bit, Kathleen insisted, "Oh, you don't have to trouble yourself with this, Luna."
She gestured at Lyle. "It's Leslie's duty to make sure the passengers are taken care of."
Luna barked a laugh. "That wanker?" she pointed at Lyle. "Ah...I don't trust him. He looks pretty shady to me."
Lyle growled before adopting a confused expression. "Eh...what did she call me?"
"Besides." Luna waved her hand again and elbowed Kathleen. "It's 'bout time I learned how to babysit, I'm like two or three years behind on the experience, dude."
"Then it's settled! The oldest one here has dibs." Lynn grabbed the rocker and pulled her towards a third beach chair which Lucy and Lana had pushed onto the scene, and dropped Luna into it.
"Don't let them out of your sight, Luna." Lincoln told her, and the rocker chuckled before saluting her brother.
"Aye aye, bro."
"So...how about we see how mom and dad are doing?" Lincoln told his siblings, specifically Lynn.
The jock noted the urgency in his tone and nodded. "Ehh...sure. Let's see them."
Kathleen seethed silently as she watched Luna reclining in her chair next to the two toddlers.
"Hmmm...have you ever played badminton, Lynn?" she suddenly asked. "Care to try me in a friendly match or two?"
"As if." Lynn brushed her off and marched ahead of Lincoln. "I only play real sports."
"So...feeling intimidated?" she heard Kathleen say, and despite her pride screaming at her not to take this challenge lying down, she ignored the rich girl.
Annoyed at not getting a reaction, Kathleen beckoned Lyle to come closer and whispered, "How about we offer the Louds another fun acitivity?"
"Now, you're talking." the boy wrung his hands when he heard Luna whistling at him.
"No offense, dude." she chuckled. "But you oughta pop those pimples before they swallow up your face."
As she snapped her head back laughing, a livid Lyle marched towards her.
"How about I pop your head off!" he growled before being grabbed by Kathleen.
"Get the parachutes before I make you walk the plank!" she hissed at him viciously before pushing him away.
Rita pushed her final disk but it slid outside the scoring zone. Leaning on her puck, she chuckled with casual merriment, as did Lynn Sr.
"Seems you lost, honey." he joked.
"Well, you win some, you lose some." she shot back lightheartedly.
"Good sport as always. Let's be glad though that Al ain't here with us..." Lynn Sr. stated. "He would have licked us both."
"Tell me about it. He's the reigning shuffleboard king at his geezer home." Rita shot him a finger gun.
Lincoln didn't like what he was seeing. It wasn't natural for his parents to be this chipper. "Mom? Dad?"
"Hey there, Lincarooney." Lynn Sr. waved at Lincoln. "Enjoying the cruise?"
"I feel like vomiting my brains out every second, what do you think?" Lincoln thought but didn't comment.
"You wouldn't perchance care to join two dinosaurs in a friendly game of shuffleboard?" Rita suggested. Lincoln saw how uncharacteristically relaxed she looked and this clinched it for him.
"For the love of Bill Buck, they are drugged." he realized with dread.
"Mom...you look happy?"
"Sure I am." she waved her hand. "This cruise is just what the doctor ordered. Such a nice view, clean, crisp air, and we had a lovely dinner, then me and Lynn finally got to play our favorite game for the first time in eons..." she gestured at the shuffleboard court.
She then noticed Lynn standing by her brother's side, along with Lana and Lucy. The goth kept her eyes on Lisa and Darcy, but Kathleen and "Lesile" weren't anywhere near them right now.
"Oh, hello Lynn? You haven't been causing trouble, now have ya?"
Rita's tone was lighthearted but the jock still panicked and raised her hands. "No, I swear. I've been on my best behavior. Right, guys?"
"Of course you were." Lincoln put a hand on her shoulder. "You don't see any broken windows, do you?"
"Yup." Lana nodded. "She just scolded me for not being careful on the lower deck."
To Lynn's surprise, her mother smiled. "Good to see you acting more responsibly, but I can see that something is amiss..."
The four kids grew nervous.
"...you must be terribly bored, Lynn. Being stuck on a ship with no sports to play."
"Well...no, I mean yes." Lynn rubbed her arm. "Ain't I still being punished, and...eh...it's not save playing ball on this ship. I could break something."
"That's my girl." her mother suddenly patted her on the head. "But there is one sport we could make an exception for." Rita gestured at the court again.
"You did say you wanted to try out every sport that has ever existed." Lynn Sr. nodded goodnaturedly, while Lynn paled at the sight of it.
"Hey...that was the old me." she raised her hands again. "I was just exaggerating...plus..." she lowered her head "...I'm not really in the mood for games."
"Not in the mood for games?" Lynn Sr. laughed and pointed at her. "Okay, who are ya and what have you done with LJ?"
"It is the real Lynn, I asked her the same thing." Lana piped in, making her sister roll her eyes.
Lynn Sr. chuckled. "Being responsible? Not in the mood for games? Should we be expecting you to spend the rest of this vacation in a dress?"
"Don't push your luck." Lynn told him dangerously.
"Oh, Lynn, you're impossible..." Rita elbowed her husband in jest. "...she said she's not in the mood, and I can guess why."
Despite the crap situation, at least her mom seemed to be in higher spirits, even casually talking to probably her least favorite daughter (at least as far as Lynn figured). Wait? Something wasn't right with that image?
"Because you threatened to send her to Aunt Ruth's place?" Lucy asked plainly, keeping one eye on Lisa still. Lynn gave her an annoyed side glare.
"Oh, no." Rita replied with a knowing smile. "I meant that Lynn's glum because a certain boy couldn't join us?"
Lynn paled in pure horror. She couldn't seriously be going there? What was the matter with her?
"What boy?" Lynn Sr. raised an eyebrow, sobering up a bit as his dad instinct's tingled.
"I'm talking about Ryan, silly. Everyone here knows how close he and LJ are, if you know what I mean."
"Mom!" Lynn started blushing and covered her face. Maybe Rita was still cross with her and tried to get payback some way?
"Close?" Lynn Sr. panicked and dropped his puck. "You mean, he and LJ are...are..."
Rita saw Lynn's embarrassment and chuckled. "Oh, dear...I'm very sorry, sweaty. That was supposed to be between the two of us."
"No point in trying to hide it, mom. Everyone knows it already." Lana shrugged before turning aside and gagging.
"Lynn..." Lincoln leaned towards the flushing jock and whispered "...there is something wrong with them. You see it too, right?"
This got Lynn's attention and she revealed one eye from her palms. "I think Kathleen spiked their drinks." she heard her brother whisper.
"Spike their drinks?!"
"That explains it." Lucy joined in while Lynn grew a worried look. "It's not in their nature to be this... jubilant."
"Now h-hold on a second, LJ?" Lynn Sr. fumbled. "I think y-you're a bit too young to be looking for b-b-boyfriends."
"We could be wrong though?" Lucy shrugged to her teammates.
Despite her embarrassment, Lynn rolled her eyes at her father. If that spineless oaf tried going all overprotective dad on Ryan, the latter would eat him alive. She almost pitied the poor fool.
"Awww, Mr. Loud." Kathleen suddenly butted in, her tone patronizing as she locked eyes with a startled Lynn. "Who are we to get in the way of true love? The way I see it, Lynn and Ryan were meant for each other!"
Rita let out a throat chuckle while Lynn wanted to die. "Well...any boy who can survive a week with LJ oughta be considered a suitable suitor."
"Good one, Mrs. Loud." Kathleen shot her a finger gun, while Lynn's blood boiled. If it hadn't been official before, Kathleen's comment clinched it now; it was freaking war between the two of them!
"This is getting awkward..." Lucy whispered to Lana "...and very icky."
"You can say that again..." Lana cupped her mouth with one hand "...let's guard Lisa instead."
Lincoln saw his younger sisters walking backward, away from their group, but despite wishing to join them more than anything, he was fearful of leaving Lynn alone, especially now that Kathleen was trying to press her buttons.
He felt the need to say something, no matter how revolting it would be for him. "Yeah...so what? Big deal."
The flustered Lynn looked at him, not knowing what he was trying to do. "He looks a bit off, sure, but he's a swell guy...he's tough, he has a sense of humor..." Lincoln tried to think of positive traits in relation to Ryan "...and he's very reliable."
Hearing this, Lynn reminded herself that she had no reason to be ashamed of her feelings for Ryan. Especially not in front of a lowlife like Kathleen Tisdale. She wouldn't give that conceited bitch the pleasure of making her insecure about not having a conventional trophy boyfriend dammit! If there was ever a time to finally make that clear, her gut told her it was now.
"Yeah, so what!" she said brashly. "So me and Ryan dig each other? What's the big deal-e-o!"
Her parents, Kathleen and Lyle widened their eyes. Lynn Sr. grew increasingly uncomfortable. This was all happening so fast? How could a father mentally prepare himself for this?
"Nothing, sweetie..." he fumbled awkwardly "...it's just..."
Lynn huffed. "I don't see any of my big sisters getting boys to notice them. Only Lori has Bobby, and let's not kid ourselves. Those two ain't exactly the picture of a healthy relationship. Not Ryan though! I can always count on him when I'm in a pickle or if I need a solid, we're as thick as thieves!" Lynn bragged and put her hands on her hips.
By the time she finished, Lynn felt out of breath but she was happy that she finally got this crap off her chest. Lincoln smiled a bit, happy to see her grow in confidence, something he wouldn't have thought Lynn needed in any given situation.
"Umm...okay then." Lynn Sr. said meekly while fiddling with his fingers.
Riding high on her boost in confidence, Lynn smirked at Kathleen. "And I can see why you're so happy for me, Kathy, cuz you ain't got a significant other of your own!"
Kathleen froze, caught off guard once more. Lyle tried not to snicker. "Oh, it's on now." he thought excitedly. He didn't know Lynn had it in her to be catty like a girl.
"Lynn?" a semi-sober Rita hissed semi-seriously. "It's... not our place to pry into other people's private lives."
"Oh, I'm not trying to do that, mom." Lynn feigned innocence. "It was just an honest question. I mean, look at me."
"I'm as plain Jane as they come." the jock stated without any shame. "But I still got a boy to notice me, and whenever we're together, he makes me feel like I'm the most special girl in the world."
Rita was baffled to see Lynn suddenly be so open about her feelings for Ryan, after the initial (and expected) shame and confusion she expressed to her mother, while Lynn Sr. let his jaw hit the deck, trying to digest the fact that his little namesake had a...boyfriend.
"And do you have a boyfriend, Kathleen, huh, huh?" Lynn probbed.
"I...not right now." the dumbstruck Kathleen wound up admitting, quickly cursing at herself for letting that one slip. But the shock of seeing anyone, even someone as homely as Lynn Loud, openly brag about being together with a hideous abomination like Ryan Taylor was too much for her to handle.
"Oh, and why not?" Lynn taunted her. "You're Kathleen Freaking Tisdale, what's stopping you from getting hundreds of boys to chase after you, to fill your locker to the brim with love letters begging you to give them a chance."
Watching from a distance, Lucy and Lana saw that the conversation went back to making fun of Kathleen, ergo going back to being fun, so they left the slumbering Lisa and Darcy in the drugged Luna's care, who was clutching her knees and rocking back and forth in her chair, seemingly mesmerized by the clouds.
Kathleen grew a slight scowl. "I'm a very busy girl. I can't always find it in my schedule to do the things I want. Being an aspiring philanthropist requires...personal sacrifices."
Lynn kept probing. "Me and Ryan already kissed a few days ago."
Lynn Sr. squeaked in horror, nearly fainting, while Rita blushed and covered her mouth, trying to process all of that.
Kathleen's eyes bulged, her mind trying to block out the horrific imagery of any girl, even one as unsightly as Lynn, locking lips with that gangly ogre and being exposed to his toxic, foul-smelling breath.
"...kissed?" Kathleen said in a meek voice, trying to keep the disgust out of her tone. Noticing her unease, Lynn smirked.
"Yup." she said confidently. "Now, I'm sure you kissed your fair share of boys, and then some..."
"Lynn...?" Rita couldn't help but smile impishly.
"...but did ya ever kiss at least one boy and mean it."
Lyle grinned broadly. Oh, this was getting real good. Lincoln had the opposite reaction, grimacing as he felt his stomach churning. Then again, this could seal their victory if Lynn kept probing?
"What do you mean by "mean it"?" Kathleen asked with growing irritation in her voice.
"I meant, did you ever kiss a boy you actually felt a connection with?" Lynn smirked. "Someone who likes you for who you are, and not just for the money and glamor and cheerleading crap?"
Kathleen narrowed her eyes. "Or are the perks of dating you just not enough to make up for your...shortcomings?"
"I think you're on to something, Lynn." Lucy joined in. "I hear dating Kathleen can be quite a chore. Why, I heard a story about how she tried dating a middle-class quarterback once, and he, get this..."
Kathleen felt her blood boiling. How the hell did the little runt know this?
"...he dumped her because, and this is public knowledge, he had standards, and all the benefits that came with dating her weren't worth it in his eyes." Lucy smiled deviously.
Lincoln observed Kathleen, who seemed frozen, but subtle signs; like her left eye twitching, her fingers curling, and her mouth thinning out, they were familiar to him. He'd seen them on Lori when she got herself in an embarrassing situation in front of her friends and wanted to blow her top but knew it would ruin her if she did it in public.
With his parents right in front of them, there was no need for a camera. He had to seize the chance.
"Wow...really?" he faked disbelief. "Why would a guy pass up the chance to date a pretty girl who is both rich and popular?"
He regretted his question as Kathleen's tense gaze shifted towards him.
"Joshua and I..." she said stiffly "...we just s-struggled to find c-common ground. Being a cheerleader and a jock just isn't enough sometimes, as we sadly found out. It was far less dramatic than rumors would have you believe."
"So...it's not because Josh found out that you have to shave your legs?" Lyle smiled crookedly, partially curious but partially also wanting some sweet vengeance.
He jumped as Kathleen turned at him sharply. "Leslie..." she said faux-sweetly "...believing in hurtful rumors is a foolish thing to do. It can break up friendships, or partnerships..." she stressed the last word venomously.
"Hairy legs?" Lucy joked. "I hear it's far worse. They say it's because-"
"Okay, kids. That's enough." A snickering Rita tried to scold them. "As Kathleen said, indulging in ugly gossiping is not a nice thing to do."
Though Rita couldn't deny that her curiosity was majorly piqued.
"But it ain't gossip that Kathleen collected furbies till she was ten." Lana spoke up cheekily, making Kathleen recoil in horror. "There are like pictures online of her attending conventions and joining forums-"
"I was going through a faze!" Kathleen blurted with a shell-shocked look in her eyes. "A stupid, impressionable, very regrettable faze."
"Kathleen, there's no shame in being a bit geeky?" Lincoln shrugged. "I love collecting stuff, especially cards, comics, and action figures."
"Yeah, yeah, good for you." Kathleen said tensely. "But that...stuff isn't really my cup of tea, it's so nerrrr..."
She stopped herself as she saw Lincoln turning to his parents, adopting a hurt expression.
"...eh...it's so niche. But to each their own." Kathleen growled inwardly. The little imp was sneakier than she had thought.
"But didn't you also collect baseball cards in elementary school too?" Lucy spoke up. "Then you gave them away to lotsa boys at middle school in exchange for favors you could collect later. Like finding a date for dances?"
Kathleen seethed as the others giggled at her expense again, including the two adults, who exchanged glances while trying to stifle their laughter. Evidently, the "special ingredient" she had put into their drinks was truly kicking in.
"Yeah, or like getting one guy not to tell anyone that you pad out your shirt?" Lana asked, before adopting a confused expression. "Why would you do that anyway? You cold?"
Lynn and Lyle covered their mouth and snickered relentlessly.
Kathleen trembled and her face twitched. "Who...who told you all this...slanderous nonsense?"
"Our source is confidential." Lucy folded her arms.
"Luan?!" Kathleen quickly realized. "Oh, I'm sooooo going to make her pay for this!"
"Sounds like someone isn't comfortable in her own skin?" Lynn said in a sing-song voice.
Kathleen was sweating. Her blood was pumping, her heart trying to bang its way out of her chest. She had to resist to urge to maim, even the simple urge to give everyone a merciless verbal lashing. Insulting this pack of freaks would be a piece of cake, but it would also doom her surefire victory.
Having had his fun, Lyle noticed Kathleen's sorrowful state and something strange happened in his head. He conjured up a rational thought. He wasn't dumb enough to give the freaks too much of an edge, so he cleared his throat.
"Hey, Kathleen? Didn't ya want to offer your passengers a fun new activity?"
Sweet relief. "Yes!" Kathleen blurted, her voice edgy and shaky. "That's why I came here for!"
Before any of the siblings could speak up, she addressed the adults, "Mr. and Mrs. Loud? Did you ever have the chance to go...parasailing?"
"Parasailing?!" Lincoln, Lynn, and Lucy blurted.
"What's that?" Lana's brow knitted.
"Parasailing?" Rita looked at her husband, growing an excited look. "We always wanted to try that?"
"I know. How exciting! Imagine having a bird's eye view of the Great Lakes?" Lynn Sr. made a grand gesture with his arms.
"We could be soaring!" Rita spread her arms out and pretended to be a plane.
"Wait, wait!" Lincoln raised his hands in alarm. "Doesn't that sound dangerous?"
"Dangerous?" Kathleen scoffed and patted his back. "Their harness will be attached to an unbreakable rope, and they'll be wearing lifejackets. There's nothing safer."
"But-"
"So what do you say?" Kathleen asked the adults. "The hard-working parents naturally have dibs."
"Sign us up, Kathleen!" Rita pumped her fist, to her children's horror.
"You heard the lady! Prepare their ride!" Kathleen told Lyle and clapped her hands. "Chop! Chop!"
A few minutes later, despite their attempts to talk their parents out of it, the siblings watched them get hooked up to their two-person harness on the highest platform on the ship, right above the bridge, with powerful winds making everyone's hair billow, as well as the giant parachute attached to the adults.
"All set to go!" Kathleen assured them, the winds drowning out her voice a bit, and handed Rita a small camera. "Don't forget to take some pictures!"
"Scrapbooking just got fun again!" Lynn Sr. cheered.
"Mom!" Lincoln rushed up and implored them. "Are you sure you want to do this? It could go wrong-"
"Sure, we're sure!" Rita joked, not all there. "Folks like us aren't given such an opportunity every day!"
"But, mom-"
"Lincoln!" Lynn Sr. said faux-sternly. "You're going to let your parents have some fun for once! Understood, young man?"
Lincoln watched them hopelessly. They were really going to go through with this?
He felt someone grab his shoulder and yank him back. "He's right, Lincoln!" Kathleen smiled. "Let them live a little, you killjoy!"
"Ready or not, here ya go!" Lyle released the rope, and Rita and Lynn Sr. laughed and whooped as they became airborne. Lincoln and Lynn watched with dread as their parents were pulled higher and higher into the air.
"Don't worry. I assure you, there's nothing safer than parasailing." Kathleen told them less-than-sincerely.
"It better be!" Lynn said dangerously.
"No need to envy them. You'll all have your turn." Kathleen raised her hands, playing innocent. "If you want to join in on the fun right now though, we have another harness."
As she said that, Lyle held it up. "Do any of you guys care to fly solo?"
"No, thanks." Lincoln backed away, knowing a trap when he saw one. "I...don't do so well with heights?"
"Wuss!" Lyle laughed.
"And what about our resident adrenaline junkie?" Kathleen's gaze shifted to Lynn.
"Forget it!" Lynn said firmly. "I ain't going up there. You crazy!"
"I pegged you as a bit more daring, Lynn." Kathleen stroked her chin. "You're missing out on the ride of a lifetime-"
"If it's so thrilling, why don't you join them?" Lynn shot back.
Kathleen huffed. "I'm your host, you are my guests. It would be most improper of me to leave you all alone in the name of personal enjoyment."
"Can I go?" Lana asked excitedly before getting cowed by her three sibling's angry glares. "Or...not."
Kathleen glanced at Lyle, giving him the signal. It was their turn to taunt the enemy.
"I thought you Louds were all for crazy stunts?" Lyle laughed. "But you're just a bunch of chickens!"
"Hey..." Lincoln replied calmly "...being chicken has its benefits. Better to be safe than sorry. That's my mantra."
Kathleen watched with amusement. She figured Lincoln didn't have enough personal pride to take the bait, but then again, he also wasn't the greatest threat...at least as far as brute strength went. Amputating either the brain or the brawn from the enemy would tilt things in her favor considerably.
"But don't tell me you're serious about passing up this wild ride, Lynn?" she asked her jock anew. "You're not yellow?"
Lynn felt her muscles tense. She'd rather drag her ass across sandpaper than let people think she was a coward. But this was a trap and she had to remind herself of it. Kathleen was trying to take out either her or Lincoln, preferably her, as she was the only one who could trounce the rich bitch and her brainless goon.
Without her, the two could easily just toss Lincoln, Lucy, and Lana overboard and steal Lisa with the rest of their drugged and/or brainless siblings being none the wiser.
Lyle joined in by folding his arms and flapping them while clucking like a chicken. Lynn felt compelled to cave his face in but suddenly got an idea. Two people could play the taunting game.
"What about you, Leslie?" she smirked broadly. "Are you up for it?"
Lyle's face dropped. "What...me?"
"Yeah, would you be gutsy enough to do it?" Lynn asked. Lyle glanced up at the sky, seeing Rita, Lynn Sr., and their parachute as mere specks in the sky and gulped.
Lynn winked at Lincoln. He got the memo and grew excited. This was it. Lyle's feelings of inadequacy were even more crippling than Lori's.
"Wait, Lori? Lyle?" Lincoln just made an unlikely connection but had to put a pin on that. Perhaps there was a way of reaching out to Lori.
Smiling, he said. "Look at him, guys? The scaredycat's scared stiff!"
Lyle growled. "No, I'm not!"
"That was a look of utter terror if I ever saw one." Lincoln smiled and folded his arms. "A look that says, "I just soiled my pants"!"
"Good thing he's wearing brown ones!" Lynn added.
"Watch it-" Lyle took a step forward but was stopped by Kathleen.
"Behave yourself." she hissed. Lyle fumed.
"If you're not scared, why don't you go up there then?" Lucy spoke up and pointed at the sky.
"Cuz...cuz I don't want to, that's what!" Lyle snapped at her.
"Why?" Lucy asked. "Sure, Lincoln is a certified wimp and the rest of us are girls."
Lynn and Lana glared at her but let it pass. "But what's your excuse, big shot?"
"Yes? Why wouldn't a big, strong, strapping guy like you take the opportunity?" Lincoln challenged him. "The only possible reason is that-"
"I'm not chicken!" a furious Lyle pushed past Kathleen.
"Then prove it, chicken boy." Lynn laughed and soon she and her siblings all started acting like chickens. Lyle's eyes turned bloodshot and his nostrils flared.
"Idiot..." Kathleen hissed "...they are trying to-"
"I'll do it!" Lyle pushed her to the floor. "Just hook me up!"
"If you say so!" Lynn replied as she and Lincoln grabbed the harness and acted fast.
"No, you can't!" Kathleen tried to get up but was "accidentally" knocked down by a rushing Lucy.
"Here, I'll help!" the goth pretended to be oblivious while Kathleen propped herself up again, only to have Lana "accidentally" step on her hand, making her cry.
A few minutes later...
Lyle was screaming like a little girl and tucking his legs together as he found himself dangling a hundred feet into the air. To his far right, he could see Rita and Lynn Sr. cheering and waving at him.
"Hallelujah, baby!" Lynn Sr. exclaimed.
"I want down! I want to go down!" Lyle cried and hugged himself. "Mommy! I want my mommy! I want my ankle bracelet back!"
"Wow! What a daredevil." Lynn said while holding her hand above her eyes. "Now that's how you take a break in style."
"You know this goes against our work protocol." Kathleen said tensely while rubbing her hand.
"Well, he was the one who insisted?" Lincoln shrugged. "Guess you'll have to reprimand him."
"Or how about you stop being a killjoy yourself and let your "volunteers" live a little?" Lynn suggested snidely.
"Yes, I hear it builds up morale and good relations between employer and employee," Lucy added.
Kathleen forced another toothy smile. "I suppose I can show a little leeway."
By which she meant beating the snot out of Lyle once he came back down.
"Hey...about that badminton match?" Lynn suddenly asked. "On second thought, how could I refuse your offer after you asked me so nicely? Just hope you ain't too in over your head?"
Kathleen's face darkened and she smiled slightly. "Oh...I don't think you know who you're going up against, Lynn."
"Just try me." the jock countered and the two girls glared at each other.
"She's trying to keep Kathleen distracted." Lincoln realized. Or at least that's what he thought Lynn was doing.
"Cover me while I hide the camera." he whispered to his little sisters, planning out his next course of action.
If Kathleen handled losing a game while also enduring merciless hackling as well as Lynn used to, then this could be the moment they were waiting for.