Shepard bolted upright in bed, the memory of Akuze still playing behind her eyes as she tried to calm the overwhelming grief that settled itself in the pit of her stomach. She had to get herself together. Udina was already wary about letting her back into the field, and even though Anderson had her back, she knew that she was being watched very closely. She ran her hands through her fiery hair and quickly twisted it into a simple braid, grabbing pieces of her uniform as she made her way to the small mirror she kept in her cabin.
Breathe. Shepard closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again to study her face closer. The scars across her cheek from the attack had never quite healed, and often ached in the wake of the nightmares. She knew every inch of how they twisted around her neck and down her back, the painful memories made them feel like they were burning all over again every time she thought about them. She shook off the thought and straightened her uniform before heading towards her door.
Shepard emerged from her quarters and headed toward the cockpit as she heard the pilot announce their jump through the Arcturus Prime relay, letting out a deep sigh, she forced her calm mask to slip into place. She wasn't sure about this crew yet, but things had gone smoothly enough so far. It was meant to be a simple shakedown mission, but if that were true then the council wouldn't have felt the need to send a turian spectre along with them.
She had done her research on Nihlus, she didn't like working blind. He was an outsider in the turian military due to being born outside of Hierarchy space and wore it like a chip on his shoulder. Nihlus was reckless and brutal, but even Shepard had to admit that despite his temper, he was cunning and efficient. He was made a spectre after only a year in training, mentoring under another turian spectre named Saren. But even knowing all she did about him, and perhaps because of it, Nihlus made her uneasy. Each new mission he took on was more dangerous than his previous, and 'shakedown runs' didn't seem like something he would normally involve himself in.
The turian spectre stood in the cockpit, listening intently as the pilot read off the ship stats after the jump. Jeff "Joker" Moreau was one of the best pilots in the Alliance, he graduated at the top of his class and made sure everyone was aware of it. Shepard wasn't really sure what he was trying to prove, his field work spoke for itself and when he wasn't being arrogant, he seemed like a decent enough person. The lieutenant on the other hand was incredibly reserved in a very detached sort of way. Shepard admired the amount of self control he seemed to exhude, and she was sure it would come in handy in the mission to come.
As Shepard approached, Nihlus had turned to leave. She heard the men in the flight deck begin to argue about a supposed compliment that the turian had given.
Joker sent a lighthearted glare at the lieutenant in his copilot seat. "You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on your way out of the bathroom, that's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, so that's incredible. Besides spectres are trouble. I don't like having them on board. Call me paranoid."
"You're paranoid." Kaiden shot back, his tone a bit more clipped than the situation called for. "The council funded this project, they have the right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment."
Joker dryly echoed her previous thoughts. "Yeah, that's the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story."
Shepard spoke up behind them, glad to find that someone else was just as suspicious of the turian. "They don't send spectres on shakedown runs."
Joker turned back to Kaiden, "So there's more going on here than the captain's letting on–"
The captain's annoyed voice cut through over the comm. "Joker, status report!"
As Joker gave his report and Anderson relayed his orders to the men, Shepard allowed her mind to wander to the possible reasons the captain may have had for keeping his entire crew in the dark about what they were really doing at Eden Prime. She knew it couldn't be anything good.
Shepard distantly heard Joker make a comment to the captain about Nihlus heading his way, in which the captain responded roughly that he was already there with him. Anderson quickly ordered that Shepard join them in the comm room for a debriefing before the mission proceeded any further.
"Is it me, or does the captain always sound a little pissed off?" Joker sarcastically quipped.
Kaiden piped up, smiling a bit at the pilot's tone. "Only when he's talking to you, Joker."
Shepard made her way through the bridge and the CIC, stopping to speak to some of the crew about their opinions of the spectre on board and the mission. They all seemed to agree that things weren't lining up the way they should, casting more doubt on why they were really there. It made her uneasy and although Shepard trusted the captain, she didn't like being left out of the loop.
She really didn't trust Nihlus. His questions about Eden Prime grated on her nerves. She knew enough about the other races in the galaxy to know that they didn't exactly view humans in the best light and the turian's tone didn't set her at ease. The first contact war was still fresh in the minds of many, and it didn't exactly sew trust between humans and the rest of the galaxy.
Nihlus didn't get the chance to speak any further before Anderson strode into the room. "I think it's time we told the commander about what's really going on." His voice was gruff, cutting the spectre off quickly as if he didn't appreciate his opinion on humanity either.
She did her best to keep a straight face as her suspicions about the simplicity of the mission were confirmed, the captain informed her that they weren't there for whatever bullshit excuse the crew was fed. Anderson filled her in on the truth before she had the chance to interject with too many questions. A prothean beacon. She was curious, of course, but it still didn't sit right with Shepard. She listened to the rest of the basic mission objectives and mulled it over before she was slammed with a bigger revelation than she was prepared for.
The turian was there to watch her in the field. Humanity wanted more within the galaxy, and what better way to start than to have a human become a member of the spectres? Shepard felt her chest tighten, she was being considered for a spectre position. She should be thrilled! Spectres are considered the most elite soldiers in the galaxy, the right hand of the council and able to act without red tape binding them. It made Shepard nervous, that maybe she couldn't be what they needed her to be, and who the hell were they to make that decision for her without any hint of considering what she'd want?
"If they accept a human into their ranks, it shows how far the Alliance has come." The captain's voice faded in and out of her awareness as she struggled to bring herself back from her thoughts, doing her best to understand the weight of what was being set in front of her. She had made it through N7 training, but the spectres were on an entirely different plane.
"Not many could have survived what you did on Akuze. You showed a remarkable will to live." The turian praised evenly, staring at the scars mottling her cheeks and neck.
A remarkable will to live? She should have died! She wasn't quick enough, couldn't get her men out or warn the other squad before it was too late, they called her dumb luck talent for fucks sake!
Shepard could feel her mind racing. She was being launched into a position that no human had earned yet, it was rattling to think about what would come with being the first human spectre. Shepard could barely choke out a civilized reply, the one that was expected of her as a soldier. She could feel her heart rate jump as she spoke, "I assume this is good for the Alliance…"
She barely made it through the rest of the meeting, numbly asking the questions that were secondary to the blood rushing in her ears. Before she could be dismissed, Joker came over the comms with a troubling transmission. As they watched the firefight on the screen, Shepard could feel her throat close up. She didn't know if she could handle that kind of war zone, not under such a watchful eye with so much on the line. She wasn't sure what the hell that was on the feed, but it was bigger than they could handle on their own. Honestly, what choice did she have? The colonists needed help and humanity needed the foothold that a position within their ranks could give them, Anderson made that much clear.
She didn't have any other option but to go down there, to help the survivors of that hellscape she saw on the vid. She was a soldier, born and bred for this. Shepard splashed cool water onto her burning face, willing her heart rate to slow. She could make it through this.