JENNIE

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Hawaii.

Fiji.

New Zealand.

Tasmania.

Australia.

Five islands in twelve weeks. Twelve weeks of missing Lisa and Harry Pawter … but mostly Lisa.

She's my number one fan on Instagram, always liking my posts and commenting with something like "nice tan" or a restaurant recommendation because she's traveled to so many of the same places.

We talk on the phone on those rare occasions that our schedules allow, like tonight. While it's night for me here in Australia, it's early morning for Lisa. I bite my tongue every time we talk because the first words that want to sprint from my mouth are always "I miss you so much!"

"You're stamping your passport with a few places I haven't been. Not gonna lie … I'm getting a little envious of you," she says the second I answer her call.

"You haven't been to Australia? I find that hard to believe," I say instead of my desperate "I miss you so much!"

"I've been to Australia. But I haven't traveled to Fiji or Tasmania."

It thrills me to know that I've experienced places Lisa has never visited. In a weird way, it makes me feel older than I am—experienced and mature. "It's a dream. I keep waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me I can't sleep in this parking lot."

Lisa doesn't say anything. Is it too early for the homeless jokes? I have to laugh at my life to really appreciate where I am at the moment.

"You photographed a wedding last weekend," she says.

"Yes! Oh my god … it was unplanned, like this whole trip seems to be. But the circumstances around the wedding gig are almost too crazy to be true… but it is true. Total luck on their part. We were minding our own business, sipping drinks on the beach while watching a wedding, maybe fifty yards down the way from us, and no joke … the photographer just collapsed as the bride was making her way to her groom. Apparently, he was diabetic, and we were told he'd be fine, but it left the couple with no one to take photos.

"So leave it to Jisoo to traipse up to the couple, in her bikini, holding her drink in one hand and her camera slung across her body, and say, 'My friend and I can snap a few photos if you'd like.' So we did—in our bikinis! The couple insisted they pay us something, but Jisoo said they didn't have to pay us anything if they would sign a photo release and let us post the photos on her website and social media."

"Good timing," Lisa says. Her voice makes me miss her even more. "How have you been feeling? Are you taking your medication? Getting plenty of sleep? Staying hydrated?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, Dad."

"Who are you talking to?" Jisoo asks as she opens the door to our tiny room after using the shared bathroom at the hostel here in Sydney.

I give her a duh look because she knows I only have one person to call, unlike her. Jisoo has a huge family spread all around the US, plus her unofficial extended family, aka friends, she's made around the world while traveling. I think she has lovers in at least a dozen countries as well. I didn't see her much in Fiji because of a sexy man named Nete that she calls Ned.

When my eye roll confirms who I'm talking to, Jisoo makes a few exaggerated hip thrusts, being her usual obnoxious self.

I love her.

"Jisoo just walked into the room," I tell Lisa.

"But I can leave if you two want to have phone sex," she yells.

Dead. Right here. I'm in my grave. She had way too much wine with dinner.

"Oh my god …" I shoot her an evil glare while flying off the single bed and straight out of the room. "She's drunk," I spew out in desperation while finding a private alcove in the garden area on the back side of the hostel.

Lisa chuckles, but it sounds forced. Awkward.

"So how's your family? Have you been taking flowers to Chaeng?" I rarely mention Chaeng's name, but after the phone sex comment from Jisoo, I search for literally any change in subject.

"They're good. Chan just got engaged."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yup. I guess when you know, you know."

I nod to myself when another pregnant pause settles on the line between us. She doesn't elaborate or say anything about taking flowers to Chaeng.

"Tell him congratulations and I can't wait to meet his fiancée."

"I will."

"So … it's your birthday tomorrow, old woman."

Lisa laughs. "It is."

"Whatcha doing for your birthday?"

"Working."

I frown. "Figures. Will your crew be throwing you a party?"

"We actually went out tonight since we don't fly out until tomorrow night, and we can sleep in tomorrow morning."

"Okay." I giggle. "You're drunk. It's morning there. You mean you went out last night, not tonight. Or are you predicting the future?"

"No. We went out tonight. I'm a little buzzed, but not drunk. It's …" She pauses for a second. "Just a little before eleven p.m."

I glance at my watch. It's ten fifty-five p.m.

"I told you I'm working. I'm a pilot. I fly around the world. Don't always assume I'm in Atlanta."

"You … you're in my time zone."

"I am," she says so coolly, so matter-of-factly. "I love Sydney in April."

"Lalisa Manoban! Oh my god! Oh my GOD! You're in Sydney? Are you kidding me? This is not funny."

She chuckles some more as I pace three feet back and forth at least a dozen times.

"No joking. I was going to see if you were available for brunch tomorrow."

"Yes! Of course. Where? When?"

"My hotel has a good buffet. I'll text you the address and my room number. Ten sound okay?"

"Absolutely. I can't wait. I've …"

Missed you.

"Um …" I stutter with my words as they trip over my emotions scattered everywhere. I'm a mess.

And thrilled.

And excited.

And anxious beyond words.

I won't be able to sleep.

"I, uh … I'm looking forward to seeing you."

"Jennie?"

Jyen-ney

"Yeah?" I try to control my ragged breaths and the exhausting racing of my heart racking against my chest.

"I've missed you too."

I'm not sure why those four words send tears streaming down my face, but they do. It's kindness and friendly affection. Friendly … we are friends. Married friends, but still friends. And friends can miss each other. Lately, the one thing I seem to do better than taking photographs is missing Lisa. If missing her came with a paycheck and health insurance, I'd be set for life.

"I'll, uh … see you in the morning."

"Goodnight," she says.

As soon as I return to the room, Jisoo sits up ramrod straight in bed. "I need the deets. All of them. And don't be coy like there's nothing to share because you left the room. You've never left the room while talking to her."

"You yelled the words phone sex. What was I supposed to do?"

Jisoo bats her wild, curly black hair out of her face. "She's the reason you're not hooking up with anyone. Isn't she?"

I grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and head toward the bathroom, ignoring her question. When I return, she's still eyeing me, so I don't look at her.

"When's the last time you got some?" Jisoo asks.

"Some what?"

She blows out a long breath "Dick. When's the last time you got some dick?"

I remove my jeans and bra and slip on a tank top. "Before we left for Hawaii."

"Lisa?"

"What?" I force a quick glance in her direction.

"If it was right before we left for Hawaii, was it Lisa or a random hookup?"

"It … uh…" I shake my head and climb into bed, shutting off the light as quickly as possible "…wasn't Lisa. We're just friends. And I didn't say I hooked up right before we left. It was with my ex-boyfriend."

"The gym guy?"

"Yeah."

"Jennie! That was last summer. Are you saying you haven't had sex since last summer?"

"It's no big deal. I was busy helping take care of Chaeng. Then the holidays … then you hired me. Just so much life has happened."

"I'm not buying your excuse, but whatever. So what's new with Lisa?"

My heart hasn't stopped its impossibly fast sprint since she told me her location. I'm shocked Jisoo can't hear me panting. "Lisa is here."

"Here?"

"She's in Sydney. She flies out tomorrow night. Tomorrow's her birthday. So if you're good with it, I'm going to have brunch with her at her hotel."

The light turns on. A wide-eyed, tangled-haired Jisoo stands at the foot of my bed with her hands on her hips. "She's in Sydney? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Rolling my lips between my teeth, I attempt to stay calm and act unaffected as I nod several times.

"Why are you here?" she asks.

"Brunch isn't until ten."

"Why are you here?" She cocks her head to the side.

"It's after eleven at night."

"Why are you here?"

Sitting up, I slowly inch my head side to side.

Jisoo grins. "You fell in love with your friend's wife."

I continue to shake my head.

"I've listened to you talk about Lisa for months. I'm not stupid. You can't convince me that you feel nothing more than friendship toward her. You can't convince me that you're not dying to grab a ride to her hotel right this minute and throw yourself into her arms."

My head continues to shake as I hold my breath and listen to Jisoo verbalize my every emotion.

"I bet she misses you too." She grins.

"She doesn't miss me the same way," I whisper, slowly showing her my feelings.

"Does she know how you miss her?"

"No."

"Then how can you possibly know how she misses you?"

"Because she lost her wife, and I don't think her heart is capable of even coming close to having feelings for another woman or missing someone in that way."

"Well, how will you know if you don't get out of this bed right now and go see her?"

On a nervous laugh, I run my fingers through my hair. "And she opens her hotel room door and asks why I'm there? What do I say?"

"You say you couldn't wait until tomorrow to see her."

"By the time I get there, it will be midnight. So … what then? I see her and she stares at me with tired eyes—which will make me feel bad because she a has a job in which she's responsible for hundreds of lives and she needs good sleep. So I say hi, turn around, and get a ride back here only to see her again in the morning?"

"Or you crash with her in her hotel room."

I shake my head. "That's crazy and weird."

Jisoo kneels on the end of the bed and reaches for my hands. "What are you afraid of?"

"Nothing."

She squeezes my hands. "How did you feel when she said she's here in Sydney?"

"I didn't feel—"

"Stop. Just stop." She yanks at my hands until I lift my gaze to hers. "Let me see it."

"See what?"

"Your heart. Your fears. The things you wouldn't dream of ever saying aloud. You need to set them free. I see it in your eyes; it's killing you."

After a few blinks, I avert my gaze. "I love her," I whisper. "But it's complicated."

"Her wife dying isn't complicated. It's life."

"It's … more than that."

"Cool." She readjusts so she's on her butt with her legs crossed, facing me. "I'm listening."

I glance at the alarm clock.

"Unless you have somewhere you need to go."

"This is one of the stupidest things I've ever done …" I throw back the blanket and climb out of bed. "And I've done many stupid things," I say, pulling on a T-shirt and jeans.

"We have a tour at two tomorrow. Be back by one."

I tug on my brown leather ankle boots and glance up at her. "I'll probably be back in less than two hours when she sends me back here so she can sleep."

"I doubt it," she says just as I open the door.

I take my one-ton bundle of nerves and anxiety and drag it to the front of the hostel, where I order a ride to the hotel address she texted me.

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Silent laughter at my own crazy assumption echoes in my head all the way to her hotel. All the way to her room, where I stand with a shaky fist held an inch from her door.

I'm so scared; oxygen feels in short supply at the moment.

Knock. Knock.

I tip my chin down, knowing she's going to look through the peephole to see me before she opens the door. Frightened out of my fucking mind isn't a good look, so I hide my face from sight until the door eases open.

Lisa rubs her tired eyes while mine focus on her sports bra and black running shorts. "Jennie …" Her voice holds as much exhaustion as the rest of her body.

This was a terrible decision even if my entire chest is ready to explode because it's been too long since I've seen her in person.

"I … I couldn't sleep, and I thought with the huge time difference that maybe you couldn't either, but clearly you can. So I'll just come back at ten." I turn.

"Jennie."

I stop with my back to her, my breath held hostage to the point of pain.

"It's so … fucking … good to see you," she says with such relief to her words.

All that relief rips the rawest emotions from me as I turn and throw my arms around her while I cry. Again.

"Those better be happy tears."

Keeping my face buried in her neck, I nod and sniffle.

"You've lost weight. I don't think you had weight to lose." She releases me, and I quickly wipe my face. I know her worry comes from genuine concern. She watched Chaeng lose weight until she lost her last breath.

"Traipsing around the world, hiking, swimming, paddle boarding … it's a little more exercise than cleaning houses and stopping at the gym for an hour several times a week," I say.

She closes the door behind us as I mosey into her room that's just a bed, a desk, and a single chair by the window.

"I'll eat several days' worth of food at brunch if it makes you feel better, but…" when I reach the window, I turn and slide my hands into my front pockets as she pulls on a T-shirt "…physically I've never felt better. Lots of vitamin D."

A small smile steals her lips. "You're quite tan. Makes your hair look beautiful."

I frown. "It's been thoroughly bleached by the sun."

"It looks good on you. You look good."

That familiar blush blooms along my cheeks. "Thanks. So do you. Thirty-four looks good on you. Happy birthday, by the way."

Lisa glances at the clock on her nightstand and nods. "What a great birthday present." She returns her attention to me.

"I told Jisoo it was a stupid idea to come here in the middle of the night." I shrug because I don't know what to say or do next. We're in a hotel room after midnight, and things start to feel awkward quickly.

"Want to see what's on TV?" She gestures toward the screen on the console.

"Sure."

Lisa plunks down on the bed, leaning against the headboard and turns on the TV.

I lower into the chair.

She chuckles. "You can't see the TV from there. Sit next to me."

"It's fine. I'll just scoot it over a bit." I try to move the chair, but it doesn't scoot well along the carpet.

"I don't bite."

I glance up and shoot her a smile that matches my uneasiness. "I know." Giving up on the chair, I sit on the other side of the bed and toe off my boots before stretching my legs out and leaning against the headboard next to her.

"I want to hear all about your travels thus far." She turns on a twenty-four-hour news channel.

"I've told you everything on our calls and texts." I laugh.

"You tell me Jisoo has a new guy at every location, but you never share your … social life." She flips through more channels, keeping her gaze on the TV.

"I fear I took the wrong job for finding a husband … uh … a real one … or … well, you know what I mean. It's hard to find more than random hookups when you're not in one place very long."

She says nothing for few seconds, then she exhales slowly. "You're young. I think traveling the world and finding random hookups is the point at your age. That's what I did."

I let her … advice? Confession? Whatever it is, I let it settle for a minute before responding. "I'm not exactly hooking up with random guys. I haven't decided if that's my thing yet. Which is strange because that's all I knew from my mom while growing up. So if you were a womanizer at my age …" I shrug and grin. "That's on you, Lalisa."

"Really?" She turns her head to give me her narrow-eyed gaze. "Womanizer? That's what you're going with?"

I give her a quick side-eye before returning my gaze to the TV, crossing my arms over my chest. "If the shoe fits …"

"It doesn't fit. Womanizer is a person who gets paid for sex. I've never been paid for sex. If you're not hooking up with anyone because you don't know what to charge, then I think we need to talk."

"Shut up." I grin. "That's not it." Climbing off the bed, I help myself to her minibar.

"That's not complimentary," she says.

I shrug. "It is if my name's not on the room." I twist off the top to a small bottle of red wine and down half of it as Lisa's eyes widen a fraction with each gulp I take. "What can I get you?"

"I'm good. I drank too much earlier when I went out with my crew."

I nod and down more wine.

"Did you not have wine with Jisoo? You said she was drunk."

When I feel confident a new round of courage is close to reaching my veins, I set the bottle down on the desk and sit on the edge. "I had wine."

She nods toward the bottle. "But that's better?"

Grunting a laugh, I shake my head. "No. That's awful shit."

Lisa chuckles and I feel it in my belly. "Then why drink it?"

"Because I should leave, but I haven't been here that long, so leaving now would make my whole middle-of-the-night trip here seem crazy." That shot of courage is making its way into my bloodstream at an unprecedented speed. I'm already saying the quiet part out loud.

"So you're biding your time by drinking shitty wine?"

"No. I'm hoping I pass out soon and don't have to make an uncomfortable exit. When that happens, just slip a pillow under my head. I'll be fine on the floor."

"Jennie, if you leave now, I'll still be glad you came. It's not crazy that you came."

With a sharp nod, I slowly say, "Okay. But … what if I don't leave? Would that be crazy?"

"I …" She lifts one shoulder into a slow shrug. "I'm not sure crazy is the right word."

I yawn and drag my feet toward the bed. That was the perfect amount of wine for me to just … lie down and not feel guilty for my trip here. "I'm tired, Lisa," I mumble, closing my eyes. "And I've missed you," I say a little softer as the warmth from the wine spreads through my body. "I've missed…" I teeter on the edge of sleep, feeling barely coherent "…my wife."

Rolling to the side facing her, I force my eyes open halfway as she scoots down, facing me on her side. She doesn't say anything. Nothing really needs to be said. We're two friends wading through the stages of grief, finding comfort in each other's friendship. Just … friend stuff.

Unfortunately, that partial bottle of wine overrules my silence. "Chaeng wanted this …" I whisper.

Lisa remains silent, just an unreadable expression and her soulful eyes staring back at me.

"She wanted me to take care of you." My eyes blink heavily as I inch my face closer to hers.

Lisa doesn't blink. Not once. She doesn't move. I'm not sure she's breathing.

"I like taking care of you. But I hate … I hate missing you." I barely register my own voice. I'm unsure if I'm thinking the words or saying them. "You're such a good person." The wine lets me lean in the final two inches, pressing my lips to hers. It's not really a kiss because neither one of us move our mouths or any other parts of our bodies for that matter. I close my eyes and fall into a dream state.

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In the morning, she's gone. Her suitcase is here, but she's not here. No note. No text on my phone. Maybe she decided to eat breakfast without me. As I sit on the edge of the bed and rub my head, it comes back to me.

I kissed her. Sort of. What does that even mean? I pressed my lips to hers. That's a kiss, right? It was less of a kiss than our wedding—our marriage ceremony—but more of a kiss than had I just kept my lips to myself.

Had I left the hotel instead of opening that bottle of wine from the minibar.

Had I stayed at the hostel.

Had I not fallen in love with my friend's wife.

Had I not fallen in love with my wife.

"Shit." I leap off the bed and shove my feet into my boots, grab my phone, and bolt toward the door before he comes back from … wherever.

I kissed her.

SHIT!

I kissed her, and it was a stupid thing to do.

Way to ruin your marriage by kissing your wife.

Throwing open the door, I'm stopped in my pursuit by a tall, sweaty Lalisa Manoban with her shirt draped over her bare torso, shorts riding extra low on her hips, running shoes just inches from the toes of my brown boots.

"In a hurry?" she asks.

"Um … I … I wasn't sure where you went, and I know you fly out tonight, and I probably kept you awake with my snoring. So …"

I have no idea if I snore or not, and I'm sure she knows I'm frantically talking out of my ass because I KISSED HER!

"I guess what I'm saying is … we don't need to have brunch. I mean … we got to see each other, and I'm sure we'll run into each other again sometime. Right?"

She smirks. "I forgive you for kissing me. Now, can we do brunch at ten and forget about shitty minibar wine and meaningless mistakes?"

My lips part as my jaw makes a slow descent to the floor. I'm not sure how to respond.

Forgive me?

Meaningless mistake?

I need a new wife.

Who am I kidding? Lisa isn't my wife. She's Chaeng's wife. I'm like the child they adopted. Only they couldn't adopt a twenty-three-year-old, so Lisa married me to give me health insurance, which is basically like illegal or fraudulent adoption of an adult.

And maybe I don't need a wife or husband, real or otherwise. Maybe what I do need is a meaningless mistake, the kind that doesn't require an apology and doesn't have to feel like an actual mistake.

"Yeah," I whisper, wrapping a bandage around my delicate heart and tucking it away from Lisa's reach. "We can do brunch. And I appreciate your forgiveness. I wasn't thinking at all. Stupid wine."

Her smirk transforms into a full smile. I can't tell if it's genuine or not because I'm too focused on my own fake reaction to her words. I'm too focused on finding the quickest way to hook up with literally any decent, single guy so my delusional mind can recalibrate with reality again.

"You weren't making much sense. A lot of mumbling. You weren't yourself. See you back here soon?"

I nod slowly. "Sure. I'll uh … just meet you downstairs at the buffet."

"Sounds good."

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