JENNIE
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Standing in the corner of the hostel lobby, sharing space with a tropical plant, I stare at my phone screen. Lisa sounded overly concerned or something. God. I hate this. It's too late. I don't need a parent. And she's not my wife, even if the state of Georgia thinks otherwise. Lisa needs me to be happy. I hear it in her voice—a tightness, a hint of agony. Chaeng asked me to watch out for her.
So that's what I'm doing.
Lisa gave me a chance at a new life. I'll give her peace of mind in return.
It's not a lie, not completely. I am happy, but it also proves just how shitty my life has been for this agonizing time in said life to be the happiest I've ever been.
"Back before brunch?" Wearing a green facial mask, Jisoo glances up from her computer.
"It's not until ten. And I need to shower. But I'm not going to brunch."
"Why not? What happened? I mean … you spent the night with her. That's good, right?"
"If by spent the night, you mean I drank too much wine from the minibar, said too much, pressed my lips to hers in what was either not a real kiss or the worst kiss ever, before basically passing out from exhaustion and too much wine … then yes. I spent the night with her. Was it good? No. It was awkward. And this morning, she completely dismissed it. Blamed the kiss, or whatever it was, on the wine and called it a meaningless mistake. But she 'forgives' me, so all is good."
I grab my toiletries and open the door to go shower. "I can't see her again. Maybe in another three months … or three years. But the good news?" Glancing over my shoulder, I grin. "I agree with you … I need dick that doesn't involve my dead best friend's wife. I need dick that has no strings attached. I need …"
"Australian dick." Jisoo smirks.
I nod. "Yes. Australian dick. I'm thinking something rugged and confident, but not too clingy. Professional … but free. I'm not paying for dick."
Jisoo giggles as I head to the shower. Sadly, no amount of water can wash off the embarrassment and overall cringe-worthiness of my actions last night—early this morning … whatever.
I took it up the backside once for a shower. What's a one-night stand to take my mind off Lisa in comparison to that? I can do meaningless. Maybe I need to do way more meaninglessness after such a heavy experience with Chaeng and Lisa.
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We spend most of the day in Hunter Valley taking family photos at a vineyard for a couple and their two girls whom Jisoo met on social media over a year ago. After the family photos, we consume more than our fair share of wine, stuff ourselves with some of the best food I've ever tasted, observe kangaroos in the wild, and scrounge a ride back to Sydney.
"I'm so glad you decided to do this." Jisoo attempts to put a few curls in my limp hair with a wide-barreled curling iron.
"This?" I question.
"The perfect answer to unrequited love is reminding your body that a good orgasm doesn't require deep emotion."
"A photographer and a philosopher. And it's not love. It's just … feelings."
Jisoo giggles. "Feelings … whatever."
I slip into my version of a little black dress, which is actually a wide strapped, tangerine mini dress with a tie in the back.
One dress. That's all I allotted myself since I needed to keep my belongings to one suitcase. My love for fashion rejected the idea of one suitcase. Rewearing the same five outfits? Cringe.
Chaeng would understand.
Jisoo's friends meet us at a bar not too far from the hostel. Noah and Mia let Jisoo sleep on their couch the last time she visited Sydney. She met them through social media and blindly trusted they weren't going to murder her. If I hadn't lived out of my car, blindly trusting that no one would murder me, I'd be more judgmental.
"Here they come," Jisoo whispers, adjusting her version of a little black dress—an off-the-shoulder midi with a hot pink floral fabric that's extremely sheer. Noah's best mates, Peter and Martin, partners at an architecture firm, saunter toward our table. They look like brothers with dirty blond hair and the sexiest smiles. "For the record, I hooked up with one of them."
My gaze rips from the hot guys headed toward us and sticks firmly to Jisoo's painted on smile. "What? Well, which one?" I ask frantically as they close the distance to our table.
"I'm not telling you because I want you to have first choice tonight. I'm fine with either one."
"What?" I whisper-yell at her. "No. You have to tell me."
Jisoo makes a turning-the-key gesture at her pursed lips. It's not a game. I don't want to hook up with the same guy she hooked up with on her last visit. As they near the table, I'm forced to smile like I'm not assuming sex is a forgone conclusion.
Are they?
Did Jisoo tell Noah and Mia I need to get laid?
As Noah stands to greet them with manly hugs, I search for any signs of either one of them eyeing Jisoo with the "hey, I remember you, we had sex" look.
A slightly bigger smile.
A tiny wink.
Wandering eyes.
Something!
I'm doomed. Both men greet Jisoo like they've met her, which they obviously have, and neither one gives me even the tiniest sign. Maybe she's lying. Maybe she hasn't had sex with either one of them, or maybe she's had sex with both of them.
At the same time.
No.
Well, maybe. I mean … why not?
If I were Jisoo, I'd embrace every opportunity afforded me. Wait …
I am Jisoo.
Single. Figuratively.
Young.
Free.
Adventurous.
And my wife is in love with memories. I can't compete with those memories.
"Hi." I smile, pulling myself from the train wreck of thoughts in my head.
Noah goes through the introductions. Peter and Martin give me the same level of attention as they give Jisoo. Maybe it doesn't matter if she slept with one or both of them.
Over the next two hours, I let Lisa fade from my thoughts with the help of a nice Zinfandel.
So much Zinfandel. Too much, really.
"Hey," Peter says as I bump into him after my second trip to the ladies' room.
I think it's Peter. Why do they have to look so alike? It might be the Zinfandel.
"Hey," I say as my gaze makes a sluggish trip to his face.
"I don't live too far from here." He rests his hands on my hips.
I lean into him out of physical necessity; it's not pretty. There's no disguising his intentions, no suggesting we take a walk (not that I could).
Or grab a coffee to sober up.
Or sip tea and share our life's goals.
My mind wants to return to Lisa, but I catch it from slipping back into that self-destructive behavior.
"I need to tell Jisoo I'm leaving."
He nods, wearing a triumphant grin.
With nothing more than a quick goodbye to Jisoo and everyone else at the table, I let Peter … or Martin … take my hand and guide me to the door.
To his car.
To his apartment.
To his bedroom.
And I let the rest of the world fade away for a while.
"I could use some brekky before we give it another go. How about you?" His naked ass saunters out of the bedroom.
"Sure," I mumble just before falling asleep.
No "brekky" for me.
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Malaysia. #adventure #LoveIt
I know Lisa will see my Instagram post, so I let that be my way of telling her I've arrived in a new location.
It's been three weeks since I've seen her. Three weeks since we've talked or texted. She comments on my social media posts, but nothing personal.
It's not that I'm hoping she's here in Kuala Lumpur, but I wouldn't complain. She isn't theeasiestgirl to erase from my mind—not that I want to forget her. I'd just like to go more than a few hours without thinking about her.
When Lisa doesn't respond right away to my most recent post, I assume she's in flight or sleeping.
"Lisa?" Jisoo asks as we lug our suitcases onto the subway.
"Yeah. No." I laugh. "Instagram. So indirectly Lisa. Thought it might be kind of me to post that I'm no longer in Australia. She asked me to let her know where I was going."
"How nice of you."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I narrow my eyes as we find a spot to stand next to an older couple sharing kind smiles with us.
Jisoo shrugs. "It just means you're awfully nice to a girl who doesn't feel the same way about you."
"I don't know how she feels." I avert my gaze to the window. "And you don't know how I feel. I had no issue hooking up with Martin."
"Peter," she corrects me.
I wince. Peter Martin.
"My point is … I'm being a kindfriend. She cares about me in her own way, and when you care about people, you like to know they're safe. Sadly, Lisa is the only person who gives a shit about my whereabouts. That's why I gave you her information as my emergency contact."
"I give a shit."
I roll my eyes. "Sorry. Present company excluded. And I simply posted a pic about my arrival in Malaysia." I hold up my phone so she can see the post. "I didn't hashtag MissingLisa. I didn't send her adirect messagesaying I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to have her nakedbody allover mine."
Thegentlemannext to usclearshis throat. He must speak English. I give him an apologetic smile.
Jisoo smirks and lowers her voice. "Oh … my … god." Her perfectly filled-in eyebrows slide up her forehead. "You didn't say those things, but you're thinking them."
"No."
"Yes," she insists.
I giggle. "No. And even if I were, it should be …" My common sense gets ahold of my rambling tongue.
"It should be what?"
"Nothing." I shake my head.
"Something. It's something. But what?" Jisoo angles her head so she's in my face. There's nowhere to avert my gaze anymore.
Pressing my lips together, I engage in a silent game of who's going to blink first. I'm usually good at this game. It's how I managed to keep my homelessness a secret for so long. But I don't really want to keep my secret from Jisoo. I don't have any other friends—except Lisa. This is the one thing I can't tell Lisa, and I need to tell someone before I lose my ever-loving mind.
So I blink first.
"It should be okay for me to think whatever I want of Lisa."
Jisoo's eyes narrow a fraction, curiosity drawing lines along her forehead.
"Because she's my wife."
Those lines on her forehead vanish, and a blank expression replaces all confusion like her heart stopped beating—like all emotion and coherent thoughts died on impact from my words. "Excuse me?" she whispers.
"Legally." I feel the need to put that out there.
"Is there any other kind?" The confusion returns as her head cants to the side.
I frown. "Sadly, yes."
"Jen … I'm lost."
We get to our stop, and I nod toward the exit. I'd rather not confess my legal indiscretions around English speaking people like the old couple. "She married me so I could have her health insurance."
Jisoo laughs. "That's crazy, Jennie."
"It's not," I murmur. "I need it."
"Jen, I went several years without insurance. If you're young and healthy, the chances of you needing it are slim, unless you get into some sort of accident. And if that's the case, you'll probably die anyway. So fuck the hospitals."
We merge into the sidewalk traffic and head toward our hostel.
"I have a little condition. It's not a big deal. I take medication for it."
"You said those were vitamins you take every day. What's your condition? I asked if you had any health issues that could interfere with traveling."
"It's under control, and it's clearly not interfering with anything."
Jisoo sighs. "Is it cancer?"
"No." I laugh. "I wouldn't call cancer a little condition."
"You'd be surprised at how many people who wanted to check a bunch off shit of their bucket list would call cancer a little condition."
"It's epilepsy."
"Jesus …"
"No." I laugh again. "Not Jesus. Jesus is the response to cancer. Bummer is the response to epilepsy."
"So at any moment, you could fall to the ground and start seizing?"
"I'm on medication. It shouldn't happen."
"But if it does … what am I supposed to do?"
"Stay calm. I'll come out of it and be fine." Unless I injure myself like falling into the racks of an open dishwasher.
"Just don't. Please don't do that," she says.
"I won't." I laugh.
"And … Lisa married you so you'd have insurance. That's …"
"Fraudulent?"
She chuckles. "Well, yes, but I was going to say incredibly generous."
"Agreed. She blew my mind when she suggested it. It took me a while to process it and agree to do it. After all, I was so close to Chaeng, and Lisa prefaced it with how it was basically a charity offer. A legal marriage but not a real marriage with emotions and …"
"Sex?"
I grin. "Exactly. I mean, had she legit asked me to marry her like … for real … I would not have said yes. So I wasn't disappointed that it wasn't a real marriage proposal from her. I was disappointed that it was my first marriage proposal. I was disappointed that my first marriage involved a trip to the courthouse. I was disappointed that five minutes after I said I do, my wife headed to the dentist for a routine appointment." I blow out a long breath. "It wasn't until after the wedding, after we'd been living together as wife—only not really—that I realized I was, in fact, in love with my wife."
Jisoo points to the white two-story building to our right. "And … you're allowed to hook up with whomever whenever?"
Following her to the main door of the hostel, I nod. "Yes. I'm in pursuit of a job with benefits or a husband with … well…" I laugh "…benefits."
As soon as we step inside the hostel, she turns toward me, lowering her voice. "But you love Lisa."
My smile fades as I give her the bad news. "I love Lisa."
"Ouch." Her nose wrinkles.
I nod slowly. "Yeah. Ouch."
As she gets us checked in, my phone vibrates with a text.
Lisa: Malaysia is stunning. I'm a little envious. I've only been there once.
Jen: If you're in Kuala Lumpur, just tell me now.
Lisa: Lol Sorry. I'm in Detroit waiting for storms to pass. Looks like things might clear by noon.
Jen: Have you visited our girl recently?
Lisa: Of course.
Jen: Fuchsia tulips?
Lisa: Of course.
Jen: It's been almost a year since you hired me.
Lisa: I know. Time flies.
Jen: Unlike you today.
Lisa: Touché
I stare at the screen. Her quick responses make her feel so much closer than she is right now. Half a world away. And she could have liked my post or commented with something generic, but she texted me instead. Things feel a little more normal again.
Jen: We just got checked in to the hostel. I have to go. Safe flight.
Lisa: When do you plan to come home?
I grimace, wishing I could feel her words, the emotion, the context.
Jen: Harry Pawter missing me? I miss him.
Lisa: Yeah, him too. Lucky cat.
Him too. Does Lisa miss me? Maybe the house needs cleaning. Maybe she misses my cooking. Maybe she misses watching me edit photos the way I miss listening to her play her guitar and sing the lyrics to songs while driving. Maybe it's more. I tamp that thought down before it runs amuck.
Jen: I don't know when Jisoo plans to go home. She's not much of a planner.
Lisa: All is good at home. Take your time. Be safe.
I hit the kiss emoji. Then I delete it. I type XO. Delete that too. I have a million unspoken feelings for Lisa that I can't share—not even with an emoji. I feel like they would come across as more than a friendly sentiment. The kiss in the hotel room opened me up. I let her see something I wasn't supposed to let her see. Slipping my phone into my pocket, I opt to give her the final word for now.
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Life with Jisoo involves beach hopping and tours of breathtaking scenery, live videos on social media, editing photos, phenomenal food, and exquisite wine. Everything is great—mostly great.
"You okay?" Jisoo startles me as I comb my hair and contemplate asking her when she plans on making a return trip to the States. But we're a week into our time here, and I'm not ready to spoil anything.
"Uh … yeah." I smile and toss my brush into my bag.
"Ready for dinner?" She checks her hair in the gold framed mirror by the pedestal sink as I grab my purse.
"Definitely."
"Leon and Andre are going to eat with us."
"They are?" I wasn't expecting this to be a night out with guys. I'm not sure I can be like Jisoo and have a Peter Martin in every destination.
"Yes." She eyes me in the mirror and grins. "You don't have to sleep with anyone. Now that I know you're married, I feel a little less enthusiastic about being your pimp."
"And now that I know you thought of yourself as my pimp, I'm feeling a little less enthusiastic about being your employee."
Jisoo giggles and turns toward me. "Live it up tonight. We might die tomorrow."
My eyes widen as I curl my lips inward and hum. "I didn't know death was on our itinerary."
"I've been told the descent into the Mulu airport is a little … heart-thumping. It was that or the boat ride up the river through the snake-infested jungles. And just for the record … if I were here by myself, I'd choose the boat. So don't say I never do anything for you." She winks.
I'm not sure if I should be insulted that she thinks I can't handle snakes or grateful because … I can't handle snakes!
If I'm going to die abroad, what better place than Gunung Mulu National Park.
Caves.
Vertical cliffs.
Gorges.
And yes … snakes.
Don't even bring me home. Find an ancient burial site and add me to the count.
"Did Leon and Andre invite us or did you invite them?"
Her glossed lips twist to the side. "I'm not sure, maybe a bit of both. It just came up in conversation while you were in the shower."
Leon and Andre are staying at the hostel as well. Cousins from France who speak fairly good English. Not that it matters because Jisoo manages to speak a little bit of every language we've encountered thus far.
"But if you decide to cheat on your wife again, just know that I'm a little partial to Andre."
"Funny. But you can have both. And for the record, my wife wants me to cheat on her. She wants me to find her replacement."
Jisoo's smile takes a dive into a pouty frown. "That's heartbreaking."
"It's not heartbreaking. It's life. Let's go."
We end up enjoying our night out with Andre and Leon. Their family owns a bakery in Bordeaux. Andre's area of expertise is cake decorating and Leon's is making sure the books balance every month.
"We should visit Bordeaux on our European leg," Jisoo suggests the second we drop our purses on the floor and collapse onto our beds after dinner.
"Think so?" I say with a little apprehension, wondering when that European leg will be? Before or after we make a return trip to the US?
"Definitely," she mumbles in a sleepy voice.
"Okay," I whisper.
Tuesday dinner turns into Friday dinner with Leon and Andre, where we tell them all about our exhilarating trip to Gunung Mulu National Park.
Saturday brunch.
Sunday breakfast.
And we've officially made new friends for life in Leon and Andre. It's the upside to staying at hostels. Less privacy equals more friendships. Sunday night we go out to celebrate Leon's birthday.
"No more." I shake my head when Andre orders another round of shots. I've had my limit.
"Last one, love. I promise." Andre gives me his irresistible wink, and I cave and take the shot.
While we close down the bar, my phone lights up with a call from Lisa —her handsome face on my screen.
"Lisa is calling." I stand to find a place less noisy.
"Who's Lisa?" Leon asks.
Jisoo giggles. "Her wife."
I have just enough alcohol in me to not be upset with her. After all, who are Leon and Andre going to tell? Lisa's family? The IRS? "We haven't consummated the marriage." I roll my eyes, leaving Andre and Leon with Jisoo and another round of shots while I weave my way through the crowd to the stairs of the swanky rooftop bar. "Hello?" It's hard to hear. "Just a sec …"
On the main level, the music's loud and the lights are a technicolor of madness for my head. "Can you hear me?"
"Jennie?"
"I'm at a bar," I yell. "I'm going to step outside," I say, shouldering past people in small groups, people dancing, couples groping each other.
My head.
"Jennie?"
"Just a …" I feel a little nauseous and dizzy—major vertigo.
Then … nothing.
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"Hey, Jen." Jisoo comes into view.
"What happened?" I wince as I try to lift my head.
Something beeps behind me. I'm in the hospital.
"You had a seizure…" she squeezes my hand "…at the bar last night." She frowns and I know what she's thinking. This is the reason she shouldn't have hired me.
"My head." I reach for it.
"You needed a few stitches. Your head hit something when you went down. No concussion, thankfully. Don't worry, the nurse said your hair will grow back in that area. You might have to opt for a ponytail or a hat. You can totally pull it off."
"Great," I mumble. "Jisoo … I'm …"
She shakes her head. "It's too late. We're sisters now. I can be upset that you didn't tell me sooner, but then I might not have hired you, and that would have been tragic."
Tears fill my eyes.
"Listen …" She cringes. "While I was freaking out after I realized the commotion below the rooftop bar was my friend having a seizure, Andre retrieved your phone from the floor and Lisa was still on the line. So …"
My eyes pinch shut. "Lisa," I whisper.
"Yeah. She's on her way. She should be here shortly after they release you, which will hopefully be tomorrow if you're doing okay."
"How embarrassing …" I open my eyes and sigh.
"I thought this wouldn't happen. You said you were on medication."
Guilt fills my chest; I feel terrible for everything. "I …" I shake my head. "I messed up. I ran out of my pills, and the only way to get more would have been to see a doctor here. But I thought I was fine. I just … always think it's fine until it's not. I guess the lack of sleep, the stress over running out of my medication, and too much alcohol were a perfect trifecta. I should have known better. I'm … really sorry. I ruined Leon's birthday, and I humiliated everyone."
"I'm sorry. At least you're okay. And there's no reason to be embarrassed. I should have asked you about your medication after you told me about your condition. That's on me too."
Gazing out the window, the second wave of guilt hits me. "Lisa is coming. I wish I could stop her."
Jisoo sits on the side of my bed. "Do you?" Her head tilts to the side.
I start to answer, reaffirming my original sentiment about Lisa coming here, but the words die before they reach my lips.
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