JENNIE
..
..
After a full day and another night in the hospital, I'm discharged with new medication and instructions to rest for a few days. By dinner, I wake to a dim room at the hostel and a familiar figure.
"Hey." Lisa gives me a reserved, tired smile from the foot of my bed.
I wet my dry lips. "You shouldn't have come. I'm fine," I whisper.
"I'm your wife and your emergency contact. I had to come."
I'm your wife.
Every time I see Lisa or hear her voice after we've been apart, a truck crashes into my chest, crumbling the wall I've built around my heart to keep my emotions in check.
"Bet you want to divorce me now," I murmur, stretching to turn on the light by my bed.
Lisa drags her gaze away from me, a tiny crease forming between her eyebrows. "I'd never say that."
"You don't have to."
"Why do you think you had a seizure?"
I lift a single shoulder, and now it's me who can't look at her. "I have epilepsy. Comes with the territory."
"But it shouldn't if you're taking your medication … if you're taking care of yourself." She's too parently for me at the moment.
"Well …" I swallow past the lump of anger and regret stuck in my throat. "I suppose I'm guilty of not taking care of myself. It's hard to be successful and practice self-care. And it's hard to be at a birthday party for a friend and not have a drink or two." I close my eyes and will away the tears.
"You should have seen a doctor here. I would have paid for it."
"I don't want you to pay for it!" That comes out a little harsher than I intend.
"Jen …" She rests her hand on my foot. "It's the whole reason I married you."
Dear Heart,
Don't listen to her. It will only make you break into tiny pieces.
The whole reason. I know this. I do. Always have. Always will. Still, it doesn't change my feelings no matter how much I want reality to dictate my emotions. Are emotions for unrealistic expectations any less real than all other emotions?
"Sorry," I whisper. "It's getting harder to accept your generosity when I'm not giving anything back to you. At least when I was living in Atlanta, I cleaned your house and helped make meals."
"I told you, having you on my insurance doesn't affect my life."
"Bullshit. You're in Malaysia. In case you don't know how far that is from Atlanta, let me help you out. It's on the other side of the globe. Don't say that being married to me, being my emergency contact, my healthcare sugar daddy, and paying off every ounce of my debt doesn't affect you. You're here, and you shouldn't be. Cleaning up my messes. Jennie has a cat. No problem. Lisa to the rescue. Jennie is homeless. No problem. Lisa to the rescue. Jennie has fucking epilepsy. No problem. Lisa to the rescue. Jennie needs insurance. No—"
"I get it!" She stands and runs her hands through her hair while pacing the tiny room. "I just don't know what you expect me to do. Not care? Not come to your rescue? When you come back to Atlanta, I'll let you clean my whole house. Mow the lawn. Pull weeds. Wash my car. Whatever you need to do in order to not feel indebted to me."
"I had sex." If my goal is to silence her, mission accomplished. I don't know what my goal is, why I said that. Am I confessing my … what? Infidelity?
"O-kay …" She narrows her eyes, pausing her pacing. "You don't have to tell me that. We don't have that kind of marriage."
I laugh despite the pain tearing at my chest, making it ache more than my head. "I know we don't. But I'm attracted to you. And before you freak out, it's nothing."
It's everything. She's all I can think about. Lying is the most honest form of self-preservation. It sounds like an oxymoron. It's not. It might be the only form of self-preservation. The truth requires absolute risk. Truth preserves no one or anything but the truth.
I shrug. "For the record, I have a crush on Michael B. Zayn Malik, K.J. Apa, and Charlie Puth too." My fingers lightly touch the bandage on my head. "So don't read into it."
Lisa blinks several times. "And did you tell them you had sex?"
"Not yet. I'm sure I'll slide into their DMs later."
"I'm …" Lisa shakes her head slowly, brow wrinkled. "Flattered."
Grunting, I avert my gaze. "My intent isn't to flatter you."
Tucking her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, she silently demands my attention; the intensity of her gaze is palpable on my skin. When I inch mine back to her face, she asks, "Then what is your intention?"
Sitting up straighter, I pull my legs toward me, hugging them to my chest like a shield. "Want to know what makes people really sexy?"
Her cheeks turn a little pink, bleeding vulnerability. I love her vulnerable side. I fell in love with it first.
I stare at the end of the bed because I know every single feeling I have for Lisa is in my eyes, impossible to hide from her or anyone else. "Kindness." Risking a glance up for less than a second, I peek at her reaction—clearly not what she expected me to say. Tucking my chin again, I blow out a slow breath. "Not kindness toward me, although you've been that times infinity. It was how you treated Chaeng. Everything you did for her. The way you took care of her. The way you looked at her. The love. The kindness. It's like watching a movie where a character, whom you don't necessarily fall for right away, wins your heart because of their … well, their character. Everything that's inside. Everything that's not a physical trait, social standing, or the balance of a bank account. It's just … him. He's a good human being. You're a good human being, Lisa. And I find that incredibly sexy. So some days it's hard to look at you, knowing you're my wife, but … not that kind of wife, when I've spent so much of my life dreaming of the idea of you."
When she doesn't respond for so long it starts to get even more awkward, I glance up at her again. Her unreadable expression.
"You think the idea of me is … is…" she fumbles her words, eyes slightly narrowed like she's having trouble finding the right ones "…appealing. You hope that one day you'll find a man who loves you the way I loved Rosé. Not really me. Just someone like me."
Is my heart ready to stop lying or am I still in self-preservation mode? It's her. I'm not confused. I love her. I admired her. Sure, I envied Chaeng because I wanted a Lisa in my life. But I didn't fall in love with Lisa, Chaeng's Lisa, until she died. I've felt Lisa's love, even if it isn't romantic. I still feel her love for me.
I don't say anything because I hate the lies, yet I'm so afraid of the truth. Instead, I nod slowly like I agree with her. I don't agree with her, but I understand what she's saying. And maybe she means it, or maybe she's lying to protect something she's not ready to share or admit.
The door to the room opens behind Lisa.
"Hey." Jisoo steps inside.
"Hey." I smile like I mean it. "Have you two met?"
Jisoo gives Lisa a grin and a nod. "Yes. I'm the one who let her in."
Of course. I didn't focus on that part when I woke to her in my room.
"What can I get you to eat?" she asks.
"I'm staying for a few days and taking her back to my hotel if that's okay with you?" Lisa asks Jisoo.
"I'm fine. I have medication again. I'm … fine."
Jisoo's gaze bounces between me and Lisa. "Um … you could definitely use a few days to recoup."
"I'm fine."
Her eyes widen as she rubs her lips together.
"It's nonnegotiable," Lisa says.
"You're not my parent, Lisa."
"I'm your wife."
Jisoo's lips part as she gawks at me.
Yeah, yeah … I heard her.
I frown at Jisoo, then I share it with Lisa. She doesn't know I told Jisoo. She said it anyway. "Think you can play that card whenever you want to make me do something against my will?"
"Yes." If the corners of her mouth didn't curl into a tiny smirk, it would be so much easier to give her a piece of my mind.
"I'll take one day off, but I'm staying here."
"Three days and you're staying with me." Lisa crosses her arms over her chest.
"Or…" Jisoo interjects "…you can play it by ear. One day at a time. If you only need a day, then that's fine. If you need three, that's fine too. And given your head situation, it might be nice if you stayed in a hotel where you don't have to leave the room to use the bathroom. Maybe a place that has room service if you don't feel like leaving to get something to eat. A place with a television in your room instead of a shared space with other guests."
My frown turns into a full-on scowl at Jisoo.
"So it's settled. You're coming with me for one but most likely three days." Lisa grins.
"Don't you have a job?"
"I do," Lisa says. "I also have vacation time."
"Well, what a shitty vacation for you," I say.
"Kuala Lumpur is beautiful." She maintains her triumphant grin.
"So go see all the beautiful things. I'll be here recovering just fine by myself."
"I'm going to get your stuff packed for you," Jisoo says.
"Traitor," I mumble.
..
In less than five minutes, my suitcase is by the door and Jisoo's sliding my shoes onto my feet.
She hugs me and whispers in my ear, "Don't push her away. Dreams are meant to be chased."
Maybe. That probably means hearts are meant to be broken too.
On the way to her hotel, Lisa reaches across the back seat and takes my hand, giving it a friendly squeeze. I ignore her, keeping my focus out my window, making sure she doesn't forget how manipulated I feel.
"Are you giving me the silent treatment?" she asks as we step onto the elevator. "Are we having our first official fight?"
I stare at the mirrored doors. She's staying at a fancy hotel, and it would normally warrant a comment from me, but I can't say anything because … yeah, I'm giving her the silent treatment.
"What if I said I find you attractive too?" The door opens.
I whip my head in her direction. Lisa smirks and steps off the elevator. "Are you seriously making fun of me? Did you fly halfway around the world to see if I'm okay or to make fun of me?"
"I'm not making fun of you." She wheels my suitcase down the long hallway and stops at the second to the last door on the right. After she opens it, she holds it for me and nods. "You're attractive. That's a compliment, right? Or did that stop being a compliment?"
I brush past her into the spacious room, a suite actually, with two separate bedrooms and a generous sitting area with two sofas, a modern glass coffee table, a television, and a full kitchen—not to mention the mesmerizing view of the city.
"Hungry?" Lisa continues to make conversation while I continue to be mad at her.
"No," I murmur, hugging my arms to my body while gazing out the window at the illuminated picturesque view of the Petronas Twin Towers and the KL Tower. Sensing her close to me, I stiffen because it's hard to breathe when it's just the two of us. It didn't used to be this hard to breathe around Lisa, but she does strange things to my heart, sending every breath out of my mouth with a little more force, every beat of it loud and vibrating against my chest.
"I'm glad you're … taking advantage of your youth and meeting other people."
I cough a laugh, nearly choke on it. Is taking advantage of your youth code for sex? She's glad I had sex?
"What will happen when you stop making excuses?" I ask, slowly turning around, lifting my gaze to hers since she's less than a foot from me.
"Making excuses?"
"Do you think I want to have feelings for you? Do you think it's convenient for me? Do you think I enjoy being married but not really married? Is playing dumb the easiest solution for you? Like … lying is the easiest solution for me. I'll admit it. I downplay my feelings for you to keep you from feeling uncomfortable, to prevent our already weird arrangement from getting really weird … really awkward. And you pretend that being attracted to someone and finding them attractive is the same thing, and a dictionary might agree with you, but we both know they're not the same thing. And I took advantage of my youth because it was a short reprieve from thinking about you. It made me feel normal and less delusional for one night. The next day I walked out his door, and I felt like a cheater."
Lisa's eyebrows knit together. "You didn't cheat on me."
On a slow nod, I whisper, "Not in your mind."
"Jennie…" she rubs her temples and closes her eyes for a few seconds "…I don't know what you want me to say."
I'm doing this all wrong. This isn't what Chaeng wanted. I'm not supposed to add to her stress and confusion. And that's exactly what I am doing. After a few seconds of silence, I sigh and do the right thing. "I want you to say that you're going to clean the lint out of your navel before we go to the beach."
Lisa opens her eyes and eases her fingers away from her temples. Several blinks later, realization hits, and she nods. "Only if you wax your unibrow."
I grin. "Low blow."
When the truth hurts, you change the subject to something so irrelevant that life feels balanced—normal—again, just long enough to catch your breath. I'm letting Lisa catch her breath, and maybe I'll take a minute to catch mine as well.
Her expression says it all, the relief, maybe a little guilt too, but mostly relief.
"I'm going to lie down. I'm not hungry, but maybe we can get breakfast."
"Night, Jen," she whispers.
I pad my way to the bedroom.
"Jennie?"
"Yeah?" I keep my back to her.
"It's a line. Maybe a doorway. Maybe a fucking mountain … I don't know. But I know there's no going back when I cross it. I know I can't take her with me. And there's been many days I've wondered about going with her … going to her. It's never been something strong, anything more than a fleeting thought. For what it's worth, you've been the one person who's kept me looking forward. For what it's worth, you've been the reason I stand so close to the line, the threshold of that doorway, feet away from the summit. And maybe that's the real question … What's it worth?"
When I know she's done, I slowly close the door behind me, crawl into the bed in my clothes, pull the covers over me, and fall asleep.
..
"Rise and shine," Lisa says, opening the blinds just enough to let me see her and the tray of food in her other hand.
"You need your medication, which means you need food. How's your head? Why did you sleep in your clothes?" She sits on the edge of my bed, holding the tray while I sit up and rub my eyes.
"Too tired to change my clothes," I say in a sleepy voice. "And my head is fine. I thought we were going out for breakfast. And I don't have to take my medication with food." I yawn.
She sets the tray on my lap and lifts the lid, revealing toast, eggs, and fruit. "We can go out for lunch if you're feeling okay."
I chuckle before taking a sip of coffee. "I'm feeling fine."
"You have stitches in your head."
"They don't hurt." I shrug, spreading jelly onto the toast while glancing up at her handsome, freshly face.
Lalisa Manoban is the unreachable pinnacle for all other women even men. That sucks for my next husband.
"I didn't figure you'd want to go out with that bandage on your head."
I finish chewing my bite and swallow. "That's what hats are for. Are you sure it's not something else … like you're embarrassed to be seen with me and my broken head?"
"Of course I'm embarrassed, for both of us, really. But I can deal with it if you can."
My eyes narrow. "You're an ass." I teasingly flick my knife toward her and a glob of jelly flies onto her face just below her eye. "Oh my god!" I giggle and cover my mouth.
She flinches and wipes her thumb along her cheek, smearing the jelly.
"You…" I giggle more and reach for her face "…just made it worse."
"Says the woman who shot it at my face. It could have landed in my eye. I need my vision to do my job."
"Stop." I laugh, batting her hand away as she tries to the do same to mine. Then I gasp and stiffen, holding completely still as coffee soaks the bedding and my lap. Thankfully, the sheets and my jeans absorb most of the heat before it seeps through to my skin.
"Shit! Did it burn you?" Lisa sets the tray on the nightstand as I peel back the sheets.
"It's fine. It didn't burn me." I ease out of bed. It looks like I wet my pants. When I glance up, Lisa grimaces, jelly still on her cheek. "I ruined breakfast in bed." I lick my thumb and wipe it along her cheek; this time she doesn't fight me.
She encircles my wrist with her hand, and I slide my gaze from the jelly to her eyes. With a slow, almost intoxicated blink, she rests her whole cheek in my hand. Turning her head ever so slightly, her lips brush along my palm. It's not a kiss. Her lips don't move.
I don't move.
Is this the line? The doorway? The mountain?
Is my job to pull her to the other side? Is she straddling the line, wondering what's waiting for her on the other side?
Is that what she did for Chaeng?
The words are heavy on the tip of my tongue. It feels right. I think. I … I don't know. Can I tell her?
I know what you did.
Would it change her state of mind? Make things better? Make them worse?
"After I lost my trailer, there was this one night …" I find something else to say. I always find something else to say. "A rough night for whatever reason, and I can't even remember why. I just remember the feeling because it wasn't me. I wasn't that person."
Lisa opens her eyes, but she doesn't remove my hand from her face. I swear I see my own soul in the depths of her eyes, storms chasing the sunset.
"It felt like an out-of-body experience, like I didn't recognize myself, the thoughts in my head, the mess of a woman in the rearview mirror. It felt like rock bottom, and I wasn't sure how I got there. I just knew that I lost my trailer because I needed medication. I hated the medication … I hated why I had to take it. So…" I draw in a shaky breath "…I thought about taking the whole bottle. You know … maybe there was something better on the other side."
She blinks, averting her gaze to the side for a quick second before meeting mine again. I give her a smile. It might look like a sad one, but it's not. It's a hopeful smile because I remember having this same smile when my phone vibrated with an email.
"That night, you emailed me and told me you got my name from the Mumfords. You asked me to come for an interview. So I didn't take all the pills, just the one I needed." I blink back a few tears. "We make decisions every day that don't just affect our lives, sometimes they affect others in ways we may never know. You didn't set out to save a life, you just needed a maid."
"Jennie," she says it again, my name in two slow syllables.
When she doesn't release my hand, I pull away. "I need a shower. And I need to brush my teeth."
"You need to take your pill and eat something."
With a stiff smile, I grab a slice of toast and retrieve my medication from my purse. "Taking my pill … eating something. Happy now?" I say on my way into the bathroom. Just as I reach the threshold, I glance over my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" she asks.
"The pills. You used to remind and persuade Chaeng to take her pills." I frown. "I don't want you to have to do that for me."
After several contemplative blinks, she returns a slow nod. "Yeah, well … it's what you do when you care for someone."
Oh, Lisa …
Before I cry … before I let her see how much I've needed to feel cared for in this way, I shut the door and hop into the shower.
..
After I feel human again, managing to wash my hair fairly well without getting the stitches wet, I attempt to dry my hair.
Sundress.
Sandals.
My best smile.
"I could work with Jisoo today. I feel fine. But I know you're not going to accept that, so we need to go somewhere. Do something. I'm not a fan of staying in a hotel room all day, even if it's a nice one like this."
Lisa shuts off the TV and stands from the sofa. "You're supposed to rest."
"I'm rested. We don't have to run a marathon, but I don't want to spend the day in a hotel room."
She twists her lips. "Have you been to the Cameron Highlands yet?"
I shake my head.
"Then let's go."
A grin slides up my face as I slip on my brown sun hat to cover my stitches.
Lisa arranges a private tour for the day. By midafternoon, we're perched on a blanket overlooking the lush highlands and eating strawberries from the field we stopped at along the way. I slip off my sandals and my hat. Lisa gives me a funny look as her gaze shifts to the stitches on the crown of my head.
"There's nobody around to see me. Don't freak out that I'm ruining your reputation here."
She chuckles, popping a strawberry into her mouth and chewing it despite her swelling grin.
"Can I take a picture of us and post it on Instagram? I won't show your face."
"What's wrong with my face?" she asks.
"Nothing." I roll my eyes and retrieve my phone from my bag. "I just don't want to have to put a name to your face."
"So you just want to start rumors?"
"Buzz. Not rumors."
"Buzz. Tell me more about this buzz."
I giggle. "Well, my following has grown exponentially since I've been traveling with Jisoo. I'm even making some money off my photos. So this bigger following is becoming interested in me and everything about my life. And photos that pique curiosity get more engagement." I clip my phone to the travel tripod and turn back to Lisa. "Spread your legs."
She smirks and mutters, "Isn't that supposed to be my line."
My breath hitches, eyes unblinking. She just said that. It was a joke. I get it. But …
On a nervous laugh, I manage one word. "Funny." I clear my throat and slip back on my hat. "Put your hands on my waist."
"If I put them on your ass, it would build more buzz. Right?"
Standing on my knees between her legs, with my camera catching the back of me and the scenery behind Lisa, I glance down at her and frown. "If you put your hands on my hips, your wedding band won't be visible. If you put your hands on my ass, it will build buzz, but not the right kind. I don't need rumors that I'm married or having a strawberry picnic with a married girl."
Lisa's grin fades as she glances down at her left hand. "But you are married," she whispers.
"Yes," I say on a hushed breath.
Her brow tenses into tight lines as she continues to inspect her ring. "And you are having a picnic with a married girl," she says slowly, like she's not even saying it to me, rather to herself.
"Yes."
To my knowledge, Lisa has only taken her wedding band off once, the day she married me. Until now.
With several twists, she removes it and holds it between her thumb and forefinger, staring. After slipping it into her jeans pocket, she glances up at me, rests her hands on my hips and then moves them to my ass.
I swallow hard.
"Are you going to take the picture?" she asks in a raspy voice.
"Um …" I look at my watch." Yeah." Setting the timer on my phone's camera from my watch, I rest my hands on her shoulders and wait for it to capture the burst of photos. "It's done. Th-thanks." I can barely talk past the thick lust in my throat. Her hands on my ass have paralyzed me.
"You're welcome," Lisa whispers, but she doesn't … remove her hands. "I have…" those immovable hands finally shift, slip … ghost down the back of my legs "…a very…" her fingertips tease the back of my knees "…beautiful wife."
My chest aches from the violent pounding of my heart, from holding each breath impossibly long before releasing it with as much control as possible. Her hands make a slow return to my butt, only this time they're underneath my dress.
"Lisa …" My fingers curl into her shoulders as hers curl into my ass—a mix of flesh and pink cotton panties.
"Jennie …"
Jyen-ney
Those same two drawn-out syllables, but this time they're laced with need.
"Help me cross that line," she says.
Wetting my lips, I nod slowly before she kisses me. I think our driver is staying in the car until we're done here. I think. I hope.
We kiss for as long as we can, until it's not enough. Lisa drags my panties down my legs as far as they'll go with me on my knees. She tastes like strawberries and smells like the shampoo from the hotel—a mix of citrus and leather. Sliding the strap of my sundress to the side, she frees my breast, squeezing it, kissing it, teasing my nipple with her teeth.
My brain misfires, thinking of things it shouldn't think about right now, like the morbid curiosity of wondering if she's missed the feel of a woman's breasts in her hands, in her mouth.
I don't want to think about that.
Claiming her hair with my hands, I force her face to mine, demanding she kiss my mouth again. It settles the chaos in my head—but only temporarily. She lays me down, discarding my panties and kneeling between my legs. Her fingers work to unbutton her jeans, and I see it in her eyes. I see it because I'm thinking it too.
We're thinking about Chaeng. What would she think? Would she approve? Is she somewhere watching us?
Lisa pauses, and I feel it … I'm losing her. She's not going to cross this line with me, and there's nothing I can do but lie here exposed, completely vulnerable with my chest wide open—no protection from her rejection of me. And I'm not even mad because I loved Chaeng too. She's unforgettable which makes Lisa unattainable. At least … Lisa's heart will never be mine.
As I roll my head to the side, to hide my emotions, she slides her hands along my inner thighs, bringing my attention back to her. "Do you want me to stop?"
She knows the answer. She knows I've completely lost myself in her.
Does she want an honest answer? Or is she asking me to save her?
"No," I whisper.
Gripping the top of her unbuttoned jeans, Lisa pushes them down her hips just enough to free herself. She covers my body with hers and kisses me with renewed vigor. My knees draw to my chest as she fills me, so warm, so mind-blowing because I never really thought this would happen.
Pause.
Breathe.
Hold on to my fucking heart because she's unknowingly attempting to destroy it.
We move with a manic desperation, like her whole body would crawl inside mine if it could. The slapping of skin, the sharp breaths and intoxicated moans … the deafening pounding of my heart. I dig one heel into her glute and the other heel into the back of her leg as if I can hold her to me forever.
Mine.
My Lisa.
My wife.
Instead of drowning in guilt when I lose control of my body, surrendering every last ounce of pleasure to her, I let my vision blur with slow, heavy blinks while melting into a bliss unlike anything I have ever felt.
Lisa stills, cupping the back of my head like she's trying to protect it, protect the stitches. Then she rolls us, kissing me as my hair falls around her face. I feel he lips curl into a smile against mine. And I do the same.
Ghosting her hands up the back of my dress, she sits up, taking me with her, my legs straddling her as she stays deep inside of me. And once again, we move together.
We kiss.
My hands grip her shirt as her frame my jaw. Our kiss gains momentum and urgency. It's a pursuit of something. She's the predator, and I am the prey, willingly surrendering to the chase.
I want Lisa to catch me … I want her to devour me.
"Jennie …" Her hands fall to my hips, gripping me hard while burying her face into my neck.
I grind into her several more times until my back arches, until she jerks her hips while repeating my name like she's praying, pleading, begging …
Jennie … Jennie … Jyen-ney …
We still.
There's no space between us for reality to slide in and ruin the moment. I won't regret this. I can't.
She kisses my neck while one hand returns to my breast, lightly cupping it, her thumb tracing my nipple.
It's gentle.
It's intimate.
It's a little heartbreaking.
Can she touch me there without thinking of her?
Lisa lifts her head, her face hovering a breath from mine—cheeks redden. The hint of a vulnerable smile bends her beautiful lips.
"I like how you feel … right here … inside of me," I whisper, heat flaming my own cheeks while my hand snakes between us. I hold my breath. And I think she holds hers too. I don't know why I want to feel us there. Maybe it's still too unbelievable, and I need something more tangible.
"Yeah?" She sighs a tiny chuckle before dropping her forehead to my shoulder like she doesn't have the energy to hold her head up any longer. At the same time, her hand slips from my breast to my hip again.
"Yeah," I murmur, ghosting my lips along her ear.
"I like … this too. So fucking much."
It's too much. I can't possibly construct a wall big enough to protect my heart.
"We should uh … piece ourselves back together before the driver comes looking for us," I say.
Lisa still doesn't lift her head, but she mumbles, "Uh-huh."
..
On the way back to the hotel, we sit in silence, fingers intertwined on the seat between us. I wonder what she's thinking? Does she regret it? Is she thinking of Chaeng, or is she thinking that I should stay with her for the full three days? Maybe spend the rest of the time in bed? I didn't think I was a hotel person, but Lisa could persuade me to stay naked in bed for eternity. My lips press together to hide my excitement over that possibility.
Lisa shifts her body, and I glance over at her. Her fingers fish for something in her pocket. Tension steals her face, trenching deep lines by her eyes and along her brow as she releases my hand and searches her other pocket.
"Lisa?"
Unfastening her seat belt, she doesn't answer. She fishes in her back pockets and then both front pockets one more time. "Fuck. Turn around!" she barks.
Our graying, fifty-something driver eyes Lisa through the rearview mirror. His eyes narrow above the glasses slid halfway down his prominent nose.
"Turn the fuck around! We have to go back!"
"Lisa …" I reach for her arm.
"I lost the ring. I lost my ring," she says like she can't breathe.
Her wedding band.
"Are you sure? You put it in your pocket, right?"
"Ma'am, it's late. If you want to go back tomorrow—"
"Then let me out!" Lisa tries to open her door, fumbling with the lock.
The driver swerves to the side of the road and stops.
I rest my hand on the driver's shoulder. "We'll pay you whatever it costs to go back before it gets dark." The sun is already starting to set. I'm not sure it will matter, but we have to try.
When we return to the spot where we ate our strawberries—where we had sex—Lisa flies out of the vehicle and sprints up the hill. I follow her, just not as quickly because I'm not sure I should be running with stitches in my head.
Dear God …
It's hard to watch.
At the top of the hill, Lisa crawls around on the ground, using the flashlight on her phone to see because the sun is nearly hidden beneath the horizon.
I bring up the light on my phone and crawl on my hands and knees to help her look too.
"Fuck. I shouldn't have … stupid … fuck. Fuck. Fuck." Lisa groans and grumbles, anger and frustration rolling off her body in strong waves that bring tears to my eyes. Everything in my chest and the pit of my stomach tightens like a hard fist.
If I wouldn't have asked for the picture, she wouldn't have taken off her wedding band. If we wouldn't have had sex, it wouldn't have fallen out of her pocket.
I was wrong. Regret has a way of coming to the surface no matter how hard we try to drown it.
After crawling around for nearly forty-five minutes, the sky in the highlands reaches complete darkness. Lisa sits back on her heels. Total defeat. She threads her hands through her hair as she looks to the heavens and closes her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispers.
She's not apologizing to me. I know this. And it's okay. I don't want her to ever stop loving Chaeng, even if that means she can never truly love me. Chaeng was my friend, and she deserves to be loved for eternity. Maybe Lisa and I are doomed to the hell that is unrequited love.
Chaeng has moved on, and Lisa never will. And I … well, I'm not sure where I stand. I have a roof over my head every night, but my heart remains homeless.
"Let's go," she says, barely a whisper as she lumbers to her feet and heads back down the hill.
Gathering the chipped and cracked pieces of my heart, I follow her.
When we return to the hotel after a long, silent ride, she heads straight to her room, pausing before shutting the door. "I need … a minute."
From the other side of the room, I put on a brave face she can't see. "I understand."
The door clicks shut behind her.
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