"Welcome back, let's get back into the action!" Randy stands on the stage as the audience roars.
Final Immunity Challenge
Night 17
The jury oohs and ahhs as the Basilisk slithers around the chamber. "Players must then attempt to stay atop the snake for as long as possible. If you fall off the snake, you lose."
The atmosphere was tense. Dumbledore, Lavender, and Hermione were to ride on a massive Basilisk snake to stay on it for as long as possible. The jury carefully watched as the contestants traversed to the snake, which glides menacingly around the chamber.
As the challenge began, the contestants climbed atop the snake, gripping tightly to its scales. The Basilisk wriggled and thrashed, making it difficult for them to hold on.
"Survivors ready? Hang on!" Randy shot the giant snake, which began to cry in pain and pick up speed.
Albus' bones crack loudly, "I might die here!"
"Break a hip!" Hermione laughs as she digs her thiccum thighs tighter.
After a few minutes, Lavender's face twists into discomfort, and she flops onto the stony floor below. "Medic! Check if she's okay." Ginny gasps hard, and someone says, "Is she going to be okay?" As Nurse Goodly shimmies over to her.
Hermione, for some reason, was covered in slime, "I knew I had to hang out for dear life. Dumbledore can not win this!"
"We're headed for a tunnel!" Albus is too slow and gets smacked off the snake and Hermione ducks.
"Wow! Hermione wins final immunity!" A montage of Harry and Ron exploding the Basilisk with their wands.
Hermione proudly wears the necklace again. She sits between Dumbledore rocking some bandages around his head, and Lavender, with her arm in a sling.
"That was the toughest final challenge in Survivor history, Hermione. How do you feel winning it?"
Hermione is grinning ear to ear, looking at the camera. "I mean it was rough going, but I had a lot of confidence that I could beat Albus and Lavender. And I knew, I mean, they probably felt like there was a way they could get me out, but now they can't so."
The host, Randy, speaks again, "I want to turn to the two losers. Why should Hermione take you to the final two?"
Dumbledore is sitting with his arms crossed, glaring at the camera. He looks like he's going to refuse to speak, but finally does. "Well, I'm sure she would say I'm a leader and a bigger threat to win."
Lavender looks offended, "She has never said that."
"Well, maybe not in so many words," Dumbledore replies.
"I don't know why she would take me to the end," Lavender says, "I think I can beat her. I didn't do too well in the challenges, but I really did well in the social game. I don't know if anyone else noticed it, but I really worked hard to get the others on my side and get them to vote for the people I wanted out." She gestures to Harry, Parvati, Ron, and Ginny.
"Now Hermione, what do you make of their answers?" Randy asks.
"Well, I think I'm going to take Lavender to the final two. I feel like we're close friends. I feel like we have a better relationship than I do with Albus."
"So, do we need to have a vote?"
"No, I don't think so. I'm voting out Dumbledore."
Dumbledore's eyes widen, and he turns to Hermione, "Really? I'm shocked."
"I don't think you are," she replies.
"Okay, let's do this," Randy says, "Seventeenth person voted out, and our final jury member is Albus. I need your torch."
Hermione has an expression of triumph on her face as she watches Dumbledore walk over and hand Randy his torch. Randy snuffs it out and then turns to the final two.
"Hermione, and Lavender, you two have gone as far as you can in this game. The power will shift to the jury tomorrow night. You two head back to camp for the last time. Congratulations."
"I hate that girl. She played me. I thought she was a follower. She's been playing me this whole time. I just can't believe it." Albus rants as he returns to his office to write Hogwarts' acceptance letters to his next victims.
Magic Tribe
Day 18
Lavender and Hermione trudge back into camp, both looking haggard and ratty. The sun beats down on them.
"I am so surprised you kept me. I can't believe you didn't take Dumbledore."
"I couldn't. He was too strong of a threat. I had to get rid of him before I went to the final two with him. But now I'm in the final two with you. This is where I wanted to be all along." Hermione embraces Lavender.
"Oh my god, we did it."
"A woman is winning. I'm so happy."
After a few hours pass, a breakfast feast magically appears for the girls.
"Wow," Lavender says, "We really deserve this."
"It's so good," Hermione agrees, "I've been craving eggs for weeks."
They both eat with gusto.
"After that meal, I'm so excited to face the jury. I've been playing for the girls this whole time. I love it. I'm going to win it for us." Hermione rubs her stomach and laughs.
Shaking like a leaf, Lavender elaborates, "I am so nervous. I've been working on my speech all day, but I don't know if it's good enough. I mean I want to win, but I also don't want to embarrass myself in front of all these people."
A dramatic shot of them walking away from camp as it quickly becomes night.
Final Tribal Council
Night 18
Hermione and Lavender enter the empty Great Hall. Randy appears out of thin air snazzily dressed. "For the final time, here's our jury. Harry, Hagrid, Parvati, Snape, Ron, Cho, Ginny, Draco, and Professor Dumbledore." Albus looks lavish with a shorter beard and a beautiful new purple robe and dress.
"So here's how tonight's gonna work. First, I will allow each finalist to make an opening statement. Then, one by one the jury will have a chance to speak, ask you questions, or scream at you or the other jurors. Then the votes are cast for a winner. This is your final chance to win this gay game. Lavender, you're up first."
Blinking awkwardly, her vitiligo face glistens, "I will be honest with everyone here. I did not think I would be sitting here in the final two." A gong sounds as Hagrid makes a shocked face, "However, clearly, I made the right decisions of who to vote for and when." Dumbledore nods at this. "My conclusion is that I should win because Hermione's truly a bad person, like really a cunt. I didn't forget that she stole my melanin." Hermione rolls her eyes.
"Okay, Hermione, your turn."
"Well, let me explain myself. On day one, yes, my pussy cat, who isn't my responsibility, allegedly hurt someone. Based on that, I knew I had to take an antagonistic approach to the game to hide that I was simply smarter than the rest of you." Ominous shot of Cho smiling, "So, in real life, I promise I'm not that much of a monster, and it was all strategy. I deeply am sorry for taking your melanin Lavender and here," pulling out her wand, "I'll undo the spell. I'll be white Hermione again." Parvati frowns as Lavender becomes black again. "That's it, ask away." Hermione's white hands gesture at Randy to continue.
Randy wriggles his eyebrows, "Illuminating proposals here. It's time to turn things over to the jury. We'll start with the Prince of Ponderosa, Mister Potter."
Harry walks up and puts his hands in his pockets, "Well, one of you voted me out, and one didn't. Do I have to ask a question?"
"I don't think so," Hermione looks at Randy, and Lavender shrugs. "You had to go, Potter, sorry!"
"Underwhelming, Professor Snape, I imagine you have something thoughtful to ask." Randy is annoyed as Harry and Snape trade places.
Brushing his hair back, Snape snarls, "Students, you both seemed pretty useless to me and only made it to the end because there were never any positive reasons to eliminate you, so for both of you, what was the biggest move you made in this game?"
"Professor, there were many moves, picking the new Ravenclaw, voting you out after the chess challenge, and truthfully winning so many challenges. I went from the final twenty to ten being safe. That's crazy, plus," Hermione pulls out the time turner from her coochie, "I had this advantage that I didn't even need to use." Harry dumbly gasps.
"Turning on Parvati, I would have been safe with the girls, but I don't think I would have made the final two. I'm really glad that I kept Draco for as long as I did." Lavender finishes. Snape seems satisfied enough. He flares his cape as he returns to the jury.
Quickly jumping up and pointing an accusatory finger, "Before I ask my question, I have a few comments. Hermione, I will start with you. Congratulations, you achieved what you set out to do. You said that you would do anything to make the final two, and that's what you did. You were a deceptive lying bitch throughout this game. You never treated me with an ounce of respect. You spoke to me like I didn't even deserve your breath. I may envy your position in the final two, but I do not envy your life. With that out of the way, I do think you played a great game." Ginny takes a moment to pause. "Lavender, you shocked me. Whereas I knew Hermione was a deceptive lying bitch, I didn't think you were also a deceptive lying bitch. You pretended to be my friend, and then you stabbed me in the back with the Parvati thing, and then you did it again with Ron. You rubbed salt in my wounds when it was finally my time to go. UNNECESSARY. Blatant lies, so I want an apology from both of you." Spitting venom, Ginny glares at them.
Hermione awkwardly knits her eyebrows, "I don't want to apologize to you, Ginny. I did what I had to do in this game to survive, and I'm proud of how I played."
Lavender nods and interrupts, "That was wrong of me. I didn't consider your feelings. I am sorry I had to use you."
"Whatever," Ginny stomps back to her seat.
"Parvati, you're up," She gladly hops.
"You both may have outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted us, but you have not outclassed us. I want just one word from each of you that describes your game."
"With luck," Feeling unsure, Lavender pouts.
"Astutely." Hermione whispers.
"Okay, thank you, ladies, love you both truly."
Randy lights a cigarette, "Come on down Dumble,"
Albus smiles warmly. "Lavender, I would like to apologize for my outburst all those days ago, it wasn't about you, that was strategy, clearly," Rubbing the jury's nose in it, "We should have been more concerned about Lavender's threat level." An intense gong sound plays, "We should also have paid attention to Hermione's purposeful barbs and bad attitude and gotten rid of her when we had the chance." Draco rolls his eyes at this. "So my question for you ladies would be, what will you do with the money if you win the game and the prize attached?"
Lavender answers first, "I would spend it on a spa day, I want my hair and nails did."
Hermione shakes her head, "I wouldn't spend it all at once. I'd buy a nice house for my parents and me to live in, and then I'd invest the rest in cryptocurrencies."
"It's a lot of money for students. I wouldn't spend it all in one place now." Albus chortles, and Randy also awkwardly laughs.
"C'mon, Malfoy, I know you have something stank to say to these ladies." Randy prods as Draco sheepishly walks in front of them with the neo-nazi haircut he received at Ponderosa.
"Last night when I was voted out, why? Keep it simple, don't waste my time."
Lavender shakes nervously, wiping some sweat off her forehead, "We wanted to go to the final two with people we could beat. We both felt we could beat each other, but we didn't think we could beat you or Dumbledore, so that's why you went."
Hermione agrees, "You were a super strong player, Draco. We had no choice but to take you out when we could. I'm sorry."
Draco scoffs. "You're both pathetic. Why not grovel for my vote?"
Before Hermione can get up, Draco returns to his seat.
"Okay, Cho Chang! It's you. Next question?"
Cho sighs, "There were points in this game where I was angry at both of you for your decisions, Minerva and Parvati's boot respectively, but I guess I was wrong, and both of you were right. My question is, why should your opponent win over you?"
Lavender responds, "I think Hermione is the better player, and I'm happy to be sitting here because she kept me around. I wouldn't have made it to the end if it wasn't for her."
Hermione shakes her head, "I don't think so. Lavender has played a great social game. She had everyone fooled. I was the only one who saw through her."
Cho nods and returns to her seat.
Ignoring Randy, Ron decides to go next.
"What was your favorite moment of the season?" His red face appears chubbier since his elimination.
"You might think I'm a slut, but I'm really not, but definitely getting to know and work with all of you."
"Outlasting some of you," Hermione smugly smiles.
"Alright, ladies, this is a tough choice, but thanks for a rousing game." Ron sits back down.
"Last but not least. Hagrid."
"Hermione, I want to start with you. It's hard to be honest in this game but to be a manipulative, deceiving, lying person is quite easy. You took the easy way out, and if you think you should be proud of how you got here, you are sadly mistaken. Lavender, hearing you tonight, I don't think you played an honorable game either." Lavender raises her eyebrows at this. "Lavender, why should I give you my vote? Just because you were complicit and not the actual aggressor?"
"Yes, I hid behind despicable people in this game on purpose to profit, and if that also makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm sorry, I was sorted into Slytherin at the beginning. If I thought I had no shot to win at all. I would not have made the decisions I made because I didn't want Hermione to win. I do." Lavender wipes some tears from her eyes, becoming overwhelmed with all the questions.
"Go fuck yourself, Hagrid. That's what I think." Hermione crosses her legs.
"Bold words cunt," Roaring, Hagrid returns to his seat.
"Alright, that's all the jury had tonight. Now, you are voting for the winner tonight. Who should win the thousand euros? Cho start us off."
Walking triumphantly for the final time Cho takes a deep breath in as she approaches the goblet of fire.
"I actually don't know." Albus rubs his beard sexily.
"Congrats luv," Harry votes for [Hermione]
Draco scowls and sighs as he slams his hands down on the table with the parchments and goblet. "I hate both of you."
"Obviously," [Lavender] Hagrid's big hands cover the vote's beginning and end.
"If she wasn't such a transphobic bitch maybe I would consider voting for her," Ginny says before she even picks up the marker.
Ron says, "I had so much fun playing this game with both of you, and I'm not mad if either of you wins. Good luck!"
"Inshallah, congratulations." Parvati tooching her butt in her pink sari.
Snape, "It is clear," [Lavender] "You deserve it. If one Slytherin wins, we all win."
Ethnic moaning cuts back into the soundtrack as Randy returns with the goblet, "Now I know you want to know the winner right now probably, but I think we need to get out of this Room of Requirement and back to freedom, America." Randy runs away from the tribal council. Randy finds the giant dragon in the courtyard, jumps on its back, and flies away. The camera lingers on Hermione and Lavender holding hands and looking confused.