Treehouse of Horror XVIII It's Halloween once again! Bart helps Kodos make a call to her home planet of Rigel VII to pick her up, but is she to be trusted... Homer and Marge are Mr and Mrs Smith and Bart and his friend with a reluctant Lisa prank everyone too much on Halloween so Ned asks God to turn him into Devil Ned again to scare them into behaving.
Plot
Opening
At the Simpsons house one Halloween. Marge is in the kitchen making little Jack o Lantern cakes! "Oh hi there! Halloween has been and gone, since last week. But here at the Simpsons we are still celebrating! Now prepare yourself for three terrifying tales of- (An annoying American style tv banner for American Idol appears on screen) Excuse me..." said Marge.
She was annoyed by the American Idol logo and got out a handheld vacuum cleaner and sucked it up. "As I was saying. Get ready for three gruesome- Ooooooh!" Marge was annoyed by tiny footballers advertising Fox Sports.
She sprayed them with deadly bug spray. The footballers died. "(Dying chokes and coughs from poisonous gas)"
"Any way I- Ooooh! Can't people just watch the show they're watching?!" Marge got annoyed as tiny people advertise Prison Break, Cops, House and 24. Marge blends the coo from cops to death with a handheld vegetable blender. He scrams in pain. He is a pile of smooshed goop from being blended.
Then Marge sticks Kiefer Sutherland to the fridge with a fridge magnet then she sticks Dr House/Hugh Laurie in the microwave and cooks him until he explodes into a bloody explosion of blood! She then glares at characters from Prison break and they run away in fear.
Marge the arrives in the dining room with meatloaf.
"Meatloaf everyone!" said Marge.
"Mmmmmmm!" say Homer and the kids except Lisa who has vegetarian food.
Lisa frowned.
Marge cuts up the meatloaf made from the tiny people because you can see little body parts such as arms and legs sticking out. As she slices it the slices read "Treehouse of Horror XVIII" and the executive producers etc. Homer takes a slice and eats it.
"Mmmmmm! Developed by..." said Homer drooling.
Oscar is sat next to him holding a ketchup bottle about to put ketchup on his slice of meatloaf.
"Don't laugh at the ketchup making farting noises..." Homer frowned at him.
Oscar pouted.
"And no Meatloaf singing!" said Homer.
Oscar sighed.
Hugo sat across the table facing Oscar. He stared at Oscar's bushy eyebrows.
"What are you gawking at Hugo..." Oscar sighed.
"Nothing..." said Hugo.
Marge was serving mash potatoes to everyone. A promo banner for Spongebob on Nickelodeon popped up. Marge seethed.
And now for the spooky stories! Mwuhahahaha!
ET Go Home
One evening in the kitchen Marge was making Creme brûlées while Homer cheered her on.
"Creme brûlée! Creme brûlée! Creme brûlée!' Homer chanted. "Or as the English would say. Burnt cream! Burnt cream! Burnt cream!"
"Hold on Homie! I have to Caramelise it!" said Marge. She tried to use a mini butane torch to burn the cream but it wouldn't work as it was out of fuel... "oooooh!" Marge sounded very annoyed.
"Bart go out to the garden shed and get me some butane!" Marge could be heard in the living room where Bart was watching TV.
"Awwwwwww!" He groaned and switched of the TV and got up to do the errand.
"Did somebody say Butane?" Hank Hill asked appearing from the hall doorway.
Bart rolled his eyes at the fourth wall.
Bart went out into the backyard grumbling about butane. Suddenly there was an unearthly glow from the tool shed the Simpsons inexplicably have now. Or Homer just left the lights on...
"Let's just go with unearthly glow readers..." Bart said to the fourth wall. "Hmmmm... the only sensible thing to do would be to investigate..." said Bart. He walked up to the shed that was glowing. You'd think he can now see what's in the tiny shed but it's like the TARDIS, bigger on the inside... so whatever is causing the glow isn't immediately obvious to him.
Bart finds a baseball and tosses it into the shed. Something tossed the ball back out again. Bart smirked and throw a fast ball very hard into the shed. there was a crunch and a deep voice cried out in pain. Bart backed away as a Rigel VII alien emerged from the shed holding his tentacles over an area below him in agony.
"Oh my God! A real life alien!" Bart gasped. You've seen Kang's kind zillions of times...
The Rigellian swore in Rigellian language.
"Is that your name?" Bart asked.
"No! I was swearing because you hit me in my seventy testicles!" yelled the Rigellian.
"Sorry space dude..." said Bart.
"No matter... I didn't want spawnlings anyway!" said the Rigellian.
"Why are you here...?" said Bart.
"I am here on a mission of peace! To find your species vulnerabilities and er... cure them with more peace..." said the Rigellian. "But my people left me behind..."
"Oh..." said Bart. He saw the Rigellian was carrying a phaser blaster. "Cooool! Is that a real space blaster?"
"Uh no... it's a deodorant applicator..." said the Rigellian. He blasted himself with the gun. He screamed in pain and it left a scorch mark. He sighed and said, "just like a summer breeze..."
Bart rolled his eyes as he wasn't stupid. He knew that the gun was a blaster of some kind.
...
Bart somehow got the alien inside and in his room without anyone seeing him...
"I have no idea how readers... just bare with it..." said Bart.
In Bart's room, Bart was showing off his toys. "Krusty doll, an evil living killer Krusty doll that strangely only likes me... (the killer Krusty doll springs to life and growls brandishing a knife at the Rigellian before Bart throws him away.) Funzo, Linguo, Mr Honeybunny, Monkey's paw, troll doll, Iraq War Sergeant Activity doll with insufficient armour, Phonic frog... (The Rigellian is getting bored now) cat skull, a tennis ball and a Jim Halterman bobble head. He's a local car dealer..." said Bart.
The Rigellian takes the Jim Halterman doll in his tentacle. "Hmmmmmm... Do all humans have such weak necks? It just the one you call Jim Halterman..." asked the Rigellian.
Bart squinted at him. "Dude... that's a bobble head toy... no! None of us have necks like that!" said Bart.
Lisa came in.
"Bart Mom wants to know if- Oh my god! A real life alien!" said Lisa. "I'm gonna blow Rachel Goodman away at Show and Tell!"
"No! If the government finds out that he's here they'll dissect him!" said Bart.
"If they do I hope they leave my mouth so I may spread my song of peace! Peeeeeeeace! Peace peace peace, peace peace!" the Rigellian sang.
Bart winced.
"As this months rotating president of the Springfield future science club, I'm sorry. And is there anything we can do for you?" Lisa asked him.
"As a matter of fact yes you can! I would like to phone home and let my people know I'm alright so they can mount a rescue operation." said the Rigellian. "Here is a list of the following things I require..." He gave Lisa very long list...
"Fibre optic cable... Uranium 102... a punnet of peaches... Dr Who's Sonic Screwdriver... tickets for Avenue Q... (Why?!)" Lisa read the list.
"Yes, the names of all your politicians!" said the Rigellian.
"Oh that's easy, they were in yesterday's newspaper." said Lisa.
"Okay..." said the Rigellian.
Oscar came in.
"Oh great now Oscar knows..." Bart sighed.
"ET phone home..." Oscar said in a stupid voice.
Bart groaned frustrated.
"Please keep quiet about this Oz..." said Lisa.
"I will..." said Oscar.
...
Bart and Lisa were outside in the backyard with the Rigellian. Uh yeah that's real smart... let him be seen by all the neighbours...
"Hey buzz off smarty pants narrator!" Bart frowned at th3 fourth wall.
"Fine.." Oscar turned into a cartoon bee and flew away.
They were helping the alien build something.
"Can I help with that?" Bart asked.
"No!" said the Rigellian.
"Can I help with that?" asked Lisa.
"No!" said the Rigellian.
"Can I help with that?" Bart asked.
"I said no!" The Rigellian got annoyed.
"I thought we were a team!" Bart sulked.
"Here, you can fetch the spanner I just threw over there..." the Rigellian threw a spanner to get Bart to fetch it and leave him alone.
"I'm helping! I'm helping!" Bart cheered in a childish manner.
"Way to get rid of Bart. He can be so annoying!" said Lisa.
"You are very observant Lisa! Which is why I have a special task for you! Find me the secret locations of your country's missile defence systems!" said the Rigellian.
"Oh that's easy! They were in yesterday's issue of the New York Times." said Lisa going off to get yesterday's newspaper.
"Well that was rather easy... I think I'll have a shower..." said the Rigellian.
The attic. Hugo is working. Ie building a gadget of some kind.
"Can I help with that?" Oscar asked.
"No..." Hugo sighed.
"Can I help with that?"
"No!" said Hugo annoyed.
"Grouch..." Oscar pouted.
Hugo sighed.
"You can feed my Pigeon-rat..." He relented.
Oscar winced at the pigeon-rat in a bird cage.
...
The Rigellian used Homer and Marge's bathroom to have a shower.
"We'll be killing all the humans in two days! We'll be killing all the humans in two days! Yes we'll cook them and we'll eat them, because that's how we treat them. We'll be killing all the humans in two days!" The Rigellian sung. Come on, since when have Rigellians been nice...
"I'll be shooting her with my ray gun when she comes! I'll be shooting her with my ray gun when she comes! When she comes! I'll be shooting her with my ray gun yes I'll be shooting her with my ray gun. I'll be shooting her with my ray gun when she comes!" Bender sung as he sat on the toilet to read the horse racing section of the newspaper. The Rigellian was quite annoyed to be disturbed from his shower and singing.
"Do you mind!? This bathroom is occupied!" The Rigellian pulled back the curtain and yelled at Bebder.
Bender yelled and thrashed about surprised and shocked.
A few moments later...
"Hmmmmm! Bender I really wish you wouldn't tell such silly stories... there's no aliens in the shower..." said Merge as the Rigellian was nowhere to be seen.
"But I saw it!" said Bender.
"Yeah sure..." said Homer.
Bender sulked and muttered.
Professor Frink came in. "Um Gahoy! Good News Simpsons. We have to deliver a basket of soaps and bath oils to the Death planet Thanatos IV."
"Cooooool!" Oscar cooed.
Teddy, his teddy bear winced at him.
"Death? we don't want it..." said Homer.
Frink sighed and mumbled in gibberish.
Later Oscar was in the kitchen eating the butter...
The Simpsons were deeply concerned by his habit of eating butter.
"Oscar stop that! You'll give yourself a coronary!" said Marge.
Oscar sighed and put the butter away.
"Oscar you freakin' loony! Why are you eating butter?!" Bart yelled.
Oscar frowned at him.
"I have to go and buy a punnet of peaches for some reason." said Lisa.
...
Bart and Lisa were helping with the Rigellian's machine again when Oscar came out into the garden.
"Oh my god! A hentai monster!" He yelled but Bart clamped his hand over his mouth.
"Sssshhh! If the government finds out he'll get dissected!" said Bart. "And stop talking about hentai!"
Oscar nodded and Bart let him go.
"Please Mr Hentai monster! Violate me with your tentacles!" Oscar asked the Rigellian in Japanese.
Bart face palmed.
The Rigellian winced at Oscar. Uh he really likes hentai...
Lisa shivered gawking at him in disgust.
Oscar fetched out of hammer-space an explicit hentai manga and read it, moaning aroused.
Bart grimaced disgusted.
"Anyway, did you get my peaches?" The Rigellian asked.
Lisa passed him a box of peaches.
"Excellent work human..."
Plot 2
The Rigellian had another shower while singing "We'll be killing all the humans in two days."
However Homer disturbed him. "Ooooooh Marge... mind if I join you..." Homer asked seductively. "The silence always means yes..." Homer got in the shower with the Rigellian. "Marge... how about a little neck tub..." the Rigellian rubs his neck. "Mmmmmm... now how about the neck of my butt!" The Rigellian covers his eye with his tentacles as he uses two to massage Homer's butt... Eeeeeew!
"Oh someone's headed for the danger zone a little fast!" Homer chuckled. "Oooooohhh your tentacles feel soooo good Marge... Wait! Tentacles?!"
The family all gathered for a meeting. Homer and the Rigellian were furious and wearing just towels having just got out of the shower in a hurry.
"We can't have a space creature living in our house! And not just because he looks like Maggie's real father..." said Marge. "Kang..."
"You intergalactic hussy!" Homer screamed and cried.
"Um sure... looks like..." said the Rigellian. Some sources say it is Kodos but uh... she's a girl... (won't make sense with that testicles line...)
"Or because of your evil twin brother joining the family..." said Marge.
Hugo laughed evilly and insanely.
"Oh Go ahead...! It's because I'm Jewish isn't it?!" said the Rigellian wearing a tea cosy on his helmet. And here the Rigellian can't be Kang or Kodos because they're Quantum Presbyterians...
"Geeeeek..." Bart insulted the narrator for being such a know-it-all...
"No no no! Some of my best friends are Jewish!" said Marge.
Suddenly the golem and his wife crashed through the wall carrying flowers.
"Hi Marge! We brought you some flowers!" said Mr Golem.
"Why thank you Golem!" said Marge.
Krusty cartwheeled around then. "Hoo hahahahaha! It's Krusty the clown kids!" He squeaks a circus horn.
Rabbi Krustovski sensibly walks in through the hole the golems made. "Orange and pink walls with purple skirting boards?! I feel like I've walked into a paintball fight with the Care Bears!"
"Hmmmmmm..." Marge sighed at the rabbi's remark.
The Rigellian was speechless as he no longer had the moral high ground.
"Please mom! If the government finds him they'll kill him! Pleeeeease!" Bart begs her.
"Oh fine... he can stay... but I hope this doesn't get us into trouble with the authorities..." said Marge.
Bart and the Rigellian cheered and did a little dance.
"But Wait this is important! Bart this can't be like your gerbil! You have to promise to feed him and clean up his poop! Understand?"
"My species is toilet trained!" said the Rigellian.
"Yes Mom..." Bart sighed.
...
The alien soon makes himself at home. He drinks Homer's beer.
"Hey! Right that's it! I'll call the government myself!" Homer yelled.
"Nooooo!" Bart whined.
"Homer, snitches get stitches..." Oscar warned him with a glare.
Lisa frowned at Oscar.
"Besides a drunk pet alien would be hilarious... Not like living with Roger from American Dad though..." said Oscar.
"Fine... But now I have to buy more beer..." Homer sighed.
The alien belched as he gulped down the cans of Duff.
Bart winced.
Bart and the Rigellian were playing video games in the lounge when Lisa had news...
"There's government agents outside talking to Mr Flanders!" said Lisa.
"Damn that bible basher!" Bart yelled. "He must have called them! They're after... um what is your name?!" Bart asked the alien.
"Kodos the destroyer." said the alien.
"No it's not..." said Bart rolling his eyes. "Kodos is a girl... by uh your specie's standards... and when I threw that baseball at you last night you said it hit your testicles... girls uh don't have those..." said Bart.
"How do you know small Earth child?" The Rigellian asked.
Bart gave him a hard look.
"Fine... I'm Vorlax the Vile... I'm a reconnaissance scout for..." said Vorlax.
Suddenly someone was trying to bash the front door down. "Open up! We know you're harbouring an illegal alien! The space kind. Not the illegal immigrant kind!" said a man's voice.
"Ay Ay Ay! El Gobierno!" said Mexican voices from the downstairs toilet.
Hugo winced.
"Pipe down in there!" Homer yelled at the toilet door. "Don't worry boy. I have the perfect plan to save your space doggy..."
Bart sighed dreading what the plan was.
Elsewhere Hugo laughed maniacally. "Now while they're distracted by that alien I can continue my plot to conquer this pathetic world!"
...
Outside the front door.
"Open up!" Government agents yell.
"Who is it?!" said Homer doing a bad female voice.
"Ma'am we have reason to believe you are harbouring an alien! Open up!" said the government agents in white suits.
"Ooooooh! I'm not decent! Let me throw something on!" said Homer doing a bad southern accent.
He then answered the door as Abraham Lincoln... uh...
"How can I help you fine gentleman? Hehehehe!" said Abraham Lincoln Homer laughing.
Oscar grimaced concerned.
"We know that's you Mr Simpson..." said the government agents.
"Oh you guys are good... the alien is right here in the living room!" Abraham Lincoln Homer showed them in.
They ran in only to find Lisa.
"Ha! You're too late! Bart and the alien are probably millions of miles away by now!" said Lisa.
They were just outside with Bart struggling to pedal his bike because of how heavy Vorlax was...
"Ungh! How much do you weigh?! Like a million pounds?!" Bart groaned.
"More of me to love!" said Vorlax.
Lisa sighed defeated but luck came in the shape of Grampa!
"No wait! I'm the Lindbergh baby! Waaah waaah! I miss my milky baba! Goo goo!" said Abe Simpson pretending to be a baby.
"Sir are you stalling for time or just senile?" said the government agents.
"A little of column A a little of column B..." said Grampa.
"The alien is getting away! After him!" said a government agent.
They ran off after Bart now he had sufficient time to escape.
"The south shall rise again!" said Abraham Lincoln Homer waving a handkerchief. XD!
Oscar was holding his head in his palm shaking his head with embarrassment.
"Daaaad! Abraham Lincoln fought for the north! The unionists! Not the south!" said Lisa.
"No one likes a know-it-all Sweetie..." said Abraham Lincoln Homer.
Lisa frowned.
...
Bart rode down the hill and through the suburbs as ET music played. Mmmmmm Copyright infringement...
Vorlax was drinking beer.
"I er don't think we should be doing this right now..." said Bart.
"Quiet you!" said Vorlax.
However there was a government blockade of army guys. Bart gasped.
"We can fly over those guys with the power of love right?!" said Bart.
Huey Lewis and the News shrugged.
"Or Gameshark! Woooooo! Grand Theft Auto!" Oscar cheered riding a tank hovering because of the Dodo cheat. The Power of Love was booming from the radio inside. (This is a vague reference to the police blockades in the old top down Grand Theft Autos.)
Bart rolled his eyes.
"We could... or..." Vorlax pulled out his death ray/deodorant applicator and zapped the soldiers. They melted into lifeless green goop. Bart rode his bike through it.
"You killed them!" Bart cried.
"Excellent deduction Columbo... yes we watch Columbo... it's on during Gleep Glop games..." said Vorlax.
Bart winced.
Elsewhere Elliot from ET was riding his bike in the air thanks to ET's alien powers to make things fly...
ET was blind drunk and sipping a beer.
"ET I don't think we should be doing this now..." said Elliot.
"I fly better when I've had a few..." said ET drunk as he continued drinking beer.
ET then fell off the bike. "Whaaaaaaa..." clump.
"Ooooow..." He said after a perfectly timed pause.
Bart continued riding with Vorlax glaring at his new friend who obviously made it clear he was pure evil... Well duh!
"Insignificant fools..." said Vorlax.
"They happen to be my people!" Bart yelled. "But uh... feel free to vaporise Martin."
...
In the wilderness Vorlax was finishing up his space telephone device.
"Uh you probably don't need me about bothering you. I'll just be going..." said Bart clearly no longer trusting Vorlax.
"Foolish biped!" said Vorlax. "This is not a space telephone! It is a teleportation device inked up to coordinates on my home planet of Rigel VII! Soon my entire race will arrive and will eat everyone's heads! Bwahahahaha!" He laughed evilly.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Why just our heads...?"
"Uh it just sounds evil that's all!" said Vorlax.
"No it doesn't! It sounds stupid!" said Bart.
"Hey shut up!" said Vorlax.
Suddenly the device activated and vortex opened. Rigellians came out wearing various outfits from different times while the music from Disney's the Sorcerer's Apprentice starring Mickey Mouse played.
Oscar laughed at the background music.
Bart was horrified.
"What have I done?!" He gasped.
However before the aliens could eat any heads Flight of the Valkyries played as helicopter gunships arrived and shot all the aliens dead with machine gun fire!
Bart watched as the aliens died.
"Noooooo!" said Vorlax.
Suddenly. "Bart!" came Homer's voice.
"Dad!" Bart cheered and Homer lowered the gunship he was in for Bart to climb into.
"Wanna kill some aliens?" Homer asked Bart.
"You bet Dad!" said Bart. However all the aliens were dead except Vorlax. Bart despite finding personally that he was the mastermind behind this invasion couldn't bare to kill him.
"ET phone home?" Vorlax made an ET reference.
Bart smiled and decided to spare him. However Bomer took command of the machine gun and shot Vorlax dead. "Die alien scum! Die!"
Bart was horrified as green alien blood splattered everywhere.
"Coooool! Gore!" said Oscar.
...
Homer took Bart to visit Vorlax in Area 51. He was alive somehow lying on a bed with white blankets on him about to have an autopsy.
"Wanna say goodbye to your pet alien before they dissect him?" Homer asked Bart.
"Actually since I'm still alive it's vivisection!" said Vorlax.
"No one likes a knowitall..." said Homer suffocating him with a pillow...
The alien cried out muffled groans before passing out.
Homer hushed the alien.
The end!
The Simpsons were just finishing a course of food and already had fat bellies. Maggie had undone her diaper slightly from eating so much.
"Mmmmmmm! All those annoying TV banner people were extra tasty!" said Bart. A TV banner for a fictional TV program called "Slowly rotating black guy" appeared with a slowly rotating black guy of course. Bart frowned and stabbed the tiny black guy with his fork. The guy screamed as he bled to death before being devoured by Bart. Bart noisily chewed on the tiny black guy.
Oscar winced, freaked out.
"And now for our next story!" said Lisa.
Plot 3
Mr and Mrs Simpson
The titles are a parody of the movie Mr and Mrs Smith. Someone shoots bullet holes in the title card before running out of ammunition and tossing a black handgun at the title card.
Marge and Homer appear to be taking a marriage counselling seminar.
"We've drifted apart..." said Marge.
"No. You just don't see that I don't want to be with you!" said Homer.
"I don't even know where he goes at night..." said Marge.
"She asks too many questions!" Homer retorted.
At home one evening or morning. Probably morning. Homer goes to the bathroom and locks himself in. Then he looks in the tank of the toilet where the cistern is and all that. There is keypad device installed in it. He keys in a number code and mirrors and panels in the walls rotate to reveal guns. Cooooool! An armoury!
"Oooooooohhhh!" Stewie cooed. "Mine's better...!"
Homer sighed not caring about Stewie's remark.
A screen appeared with Mr. Burns on it.
Homer screamed.
"Welcome 242" said Mr. Burns.
"Why does he always bring up my weight..." Homer whined.
"I want you to take out this reporter. Kent Brockman. He exposed the gulley where I dump all my electricity to keep taxes high!" said Mr Burns.
There's a little cartoon of him dumping cartoon lightning bolts into a gulley.
Homer laughed at the cartoon.
"Do you accept these orders Simpson?" Mr Burns asked.
"Piece of- Bart!" Homer agreed to his orders but yelled because Bart somehow got in the bathroom and was sitting on a mortar cannon with his pyjama bottoms down trying to poo...
"What?" Bart asked reading a comic.
"Bart this meeting with my boss is top secret! Get out!" Homer yelled.
"Hold on I've gotta drop a deuce..." said Bart grunting trying to pass waste.
"Eeeeeeew! No! Not in the mortar!" Homer groaned.
Bart laughed.
...
The lounge.
"So we're in an Angelina Jolie film parody..." said Bart.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Does she adopt hundreds of African babies?!" Oscar asked. Zing!
"Uh no this is her life in movies not her real life..." said Bart.
"Fine... Is it Tomb Raider..." Oscar asked.
"No it's Mr and Mrs Smith..." said Bart.
Later that morning Marge is in the kitchen washing the dishes as Homer comes in ready to go to work and makes an excuse about being somewhere tonight.
"Goodbye Honey. I uh have to at the zoo tonight. It's midnight monkey madness. Yes that's it. Gotta go!" said Homer kissing his wife.
"Goodbye Homer. And uh I also have to be out tonight... I am Uh flipping over wheelbarrows in case it rains!" said Marge.
"That's a nice ridiculous cover story dear..." said Homer.
"And so's your preposterous idea darling! Goodnight!" said Marge. The kissed and Homer went off somewhere.
"I Eh also have to go to the zoo tonight for midnight monkey madness..." said Oscar with shifty eyes.
That night...
Oscar was quite literally at the zoo in the middle of the night watching the monkeys. There were monkey screeches and hollers. Oscar looked extremely alarmed by something as he drank his squishee. "Mr zookeeper! Mr zookeeper! Those monkeys are killing each other!" Oscar called to the zookeeper.
"They're having sex." The zookeeper whispered in his ear.
"Oooooh..." Oscar realised and giggled pervertedly.
Elsewhere.
There was a fancy party on a pier with celebrities and stars.
Homer dressed as a construction worker with a fake moustache used an elevator to access a top floor of an empty shell of a new building not finished yet.
"Floor six. Assassins perch." said the elevator. Homer stopped and got out a sniper rifle and assembled it.
"Well hi diddly ho killerino!" said Ned holding a sniper rifle.
"Aaaaaagh! Stupid assassin Flanders from his own stupid nightmares!" Homer screamed. "This Treehouse of Horror segment sucks!"
...
Homer was alone now trying to find Kent. He did but stupidly wasted time thinking up a clever one liner.
"Hmmmm... Ah!"
Oscar was bored checking his wrist watch.
"Which I don't need to say out loud..." said Homer.
However him wasting time meant a blonde lady got in the way of his shot.
"Stupid mysterious skank! Get out of the way!" Homer yelled.
The blonde lady left as Kent spoke to someone but suddenly she stabbed Kent and killed him!
"Oh no! She killed him! Now I don't get paid!" Homer gasped. He angrily shot wildly trying to shoot the mysterious lady but killed random party guests causing them to panic. He even shot the guy at the wine fountain. He fell on it and poured his own blood into it making a blood fountain... Eeeew...
Dracula was delighted to see this. "Ah! A blood fountain! How wonderful! Ah Ah Ah!" He took a glass of blood mixed with white wine and drank it. "Oh my! This blood is intoxicating! Ooooh... and I promised the wife I wouldn't drink!"
Homer rolled his eyes at my silly addition.
The lady assassin saw him and threw throwing stars at him. (Shurikens) one went in his gun. "Now I'm mad!" Then one went in his forehead. "Now I'm Bynyjjyggfbhghhgbleh!" He pulled them out and threw them away.
Then a third missed him. But Butters started screaming and crying as the camera panned round to reveal Butters as Professor Chaos screaming and crying with a throwing star in his eye!
"Will you shut up!" Homer yelled.
Butters whimpered.
The lady assassin stopped to do her laces up. Homer shot her but only shot her wig off. Revealing the assassin was, his wife Marge! Dun dun dun!
"Marge is an assassin?! A sexy assassin! Prrrrrrr!" Homer purred seductively.
Butters whimpered with the throwing star still in his eye.
At the zoo.
Oscar approached the penguin exhibit. The penguins were flying in there..
Oscar gasped.
The penguins alerted to him landed and stood there with shifty eyes.
Oscar winced backing away uncomfortable.
...
Homer furiously drove home that night. When he pulled up in his pink car Oscar landed his skateboard on Homer's car and bounced off like Bart does in the title sequence when they all get home for the couch gag.
"Stupid kid! Oscar! Get to bed!" Homer yelled at Oscar who was out late from the zoo...
Oscar frowned and went inside.
Marge was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher. Shh pulled out a scimitar splattered with blood.
"Ooooooh! What is it about Russian gangster blood that's so hard to clean?! Must be something they eat..." said Marge.
Homer came in wearing a murderous glare on his face.
"Hi honey! How was midnight monkey madness at the zoo?" Marge asked him.
"Oh it was great! I flipped over so many wheelbarrows..." said Homer lying. Wait you fool! That was Marge's thing! said Homer's brain.
Homer stammered. "Wait a minute! What is that thing!" He pointed to a blond wig with a bullet hole in it resting on a blender.
"Um a blender cozy?!" Marge replied.
"Oooooh..." Homer believed her for now.
For some odd reason they had a very late night dinner of lasagna while the kids were in bed.
"Mmmmmmmm! Lasagna..." said Garfield gargling and drooling.
Oscar under the table snickered.
"No stupid narrator!" Homer frowned at the fourth wall as Marge served him some lasagna.
"Hope you enjoy my killer lasagna! Hehehehe!" Marge giggled seductively.
"The lasagna is poisoned! Don't eat it!" said Homer's Brain.
Homer was eating it...
"Okay you're eating it... but don't finish it...' said his brain.
Homer finished his plate.
"Okay you're still alive... just didn't ask for-" said his brain.
"More please Honeybunch!" Homer asked for more deadly lasagna.
"You idiot! Just kill her already!" yelled his brain.
"I'll kill her after dessert!" Homer yelled. Marge gasped. They pulled guns on each other! Marge took her hand guns from a pie. Mmmmmm... gun pie...
"You're a hitman?!" Marge asked shooting at him.
"You ruined that pie!" said Homer blasting her with his shotgun.
"How could you not tell me you were an assassin for the twenty years we've been married?!" yelled Marge shooting at him.
"How could you not tell me you were an assassin?!" Homer retorted firing back at her.
"I told you twenty times! You never listen!" said Marge.
Homer was reading a Playdude. A grenade rolled near him.
Marge dived for cover as a massive explosion blasted Homer into the ceiling of the dining room.
Meanwhile upstairs in Bart's room. Bart was sleeping when a massive explosion rocked the house and his dad blasted through the floor from the explosion leaving a big hole.
"What the hell?!" said Bart.
"Go back to sleep boy..." said Homer running off somewhere.
Marge thought Homer was dead but he slides down the banister firing a mini gun at her! Cooooool!
The mini gun rips gaping holes in the walls.
Grampa somehow arrives to speak with them but gets shot with mini gun fire.
"Dad get out of the way!' Homer yells.
"All this time when you were out getting drunk you were out killing people?!" Marge asked.
"I was getting drunk! Then killing people!" said Homer.
Eventually their guns run out of ammunition so they resort to hitting each other with parts from the grandfather clock. Homer using the pendulum as a club, Marge using the chains to whip Homer.
They talk again.
"Wait let's discuss this. How about I kill people for a living and you stay at home and look after the kids." said Homer. Marge grabbed his leg and threw him.
"I make fifty thousand a hit! What about you?!" Marge asked.
"I just get to keep whatever is in the guy's wallet..." Homer moaned.
They continue fighting.
"Wait a minute!" Homer interjected the high octane fight. "If I was out tonight killing people, and you were out tonight killing people... Who the hell was looking after the kids?!" said Homer.
"Um that's a good question! Uh... Your dad?" Marge replied.
"Oh... I was wondering what he was doing in the middle of our high octane gun fight." said Homer.
The couch gets flipped over when Homer head butted Marge. Yeah it's stupid I know.
Homer then started kicking something behind the couch.
"Homer! Don't kick my favorite couch!" said Marge.
"Why do you think I'm kicking it?!" said Homer.
The kids woke up.
"Are you guys fighting?!" Bart asked.
"If it was something we did, we're sorry!" said Lisa.
Marge and Homer put away their weapons band acted like everything was fine. "Oh no no no! Everything's fine sweeties! Off to bed!"
"Who wants ice cream in bed?" Homer asked bribing the kids.
"Yaaaaaay! Ice cream! Ice cream!" The kids ran upstairs happily.
"Ooooooooh! Now they'll have tummy aches tomorrow! And where will Super Dad be then? Huh?" Marge nagged.
"At your funeral!" said Homer pointing a crossbow at her.
Suddenly Wiggum let himself in.
"I've just had an anonymous tip-off from a neighbor-ino about a high octane gun fight." said Wiggum.
Marge shot Wiggum with the crossbow.
"Ow! I would have taken a bribe!" said Wiggum dying.
"Wow! What was so hot! I love seeing you do other guys!" said Homer.
"I'd love to see you do a guy once in a while!" said Marge.
"Eeeeeeew! Oh you mean killing people. Not the other thing..." Said Homer. "Honey I'm so horny right now... let's have sex right here on Wiggum's corpse!"
They have sex on Wiggum's body... Eeeeew!
"I'm not dead yet..." said Wiggum.
Homer shoots him.
"Ow!" Wiggum died.
Plot 4
Upstairs the kids, that was Bart, Lisa, Hugo, Maggie and Oscar were in Bart's room eating ice cream. Lisa had soy-based ice cream because she's vegetarian. Hugo had Fish flavor with cartoonish fish tails sticking out of the teal ice cream. Because he likes fish...
"My favourite Ben and Jerry's is Phish food... mmmmm mini chocolate fish..." said Hugo.
Bart winced.
However the kids soon had tummy aches from having ice cream late at night...
Bart, Lisa etc groaned clutching their stomachs in pain.
That morning Marge and Homer woke up in the hall amongst the wreckage of their gun fight from their spontaneous sex.
"That was so hot! We should kill people together! That would be so romantic..." said Homer.
We then cut back to the office where Homer and Marge were having marriage counseling.
"And that's how we fixed our marriage when we realised we love seeing each other kill people..." said Homer.
"That's fascinating Mr Simpson but we're here to discuss your son's son's misbehavior on the school bus this morning!" said Principal Skinner.
Homer and Marge looked at each other romantically then pulled out guns and shot Skinner dead.
"Remember me on pizza Friday..." Skinner said as he died and the screen blacked out.
"No..." said Homer.
The end!
The Simpsons were at the table picking their teeth clean with toothpicks having eaten more tiny TV Banner people.
"This is for ruining the cliffhanger on Doctor Who!" Oscar yelled stabbing a tiny Graham Norton with his fork and eating him.
"That story was needlessly violent..." said Bart. "And none of us like guns..."
"I like guns..." Oscar frowned at him.
"I have a story!" said Marge.
Heck House
One full moon. Ned howls loudly like a werewolf. It was Halloween night. Kids in Springfield were trick or treating in cute scary costumes.
In particular, Lisa was a witch, Milhouse an astronaut, Bart a Frankenstein's monster/Lurch, Oscar was a clown again... Hugo was himself again with just a few touches of zombie makeup... and Nelson was a hobo!
"A hobo?!" Oscar asked baffled.
"Hobos are scary..." said Nelson.
However suddenly Hugo realised what chemical was in his zombie make up. "This has Dermyl Tetracycline in it..." A made up chemical I made up that's the stuff in glow in the dark monster face paint that Bart's allergic to.
"And..." said Lisa.
"Bart and I are allergic to that!" said Hugo as his face swelled up. He groaned.
Oscar laughed.
They rang a doorbell. The house turned out to be principal Skinner's. Agnes answered the door.
"Trick or treat!" said the kids.
"Beat it kids! I don't do Halloween!" said Agnes Skinner.
"But you're supposed to give us candy!" said Milhouse.
"I've got your candy right here!" said Agnes. She spat in Milhouse's plastic pumpkin carrier his candy was in.
Agnes then slammed the door on them.
"She empty bagged us!" said Nelson.
"That was very rude of her!" Oscar added.
"I agree." Hugo cuts in.
"What do we do now?" Lisa asked.
"Well, let's see. We gave her a choice. She didn't treat us so..." said Frankenstein Bart.
"Where are you going with this Bart?" said Milhouse.
"Trick or treat isn't just some phrase you repeat dully like the Lord's Prayer... it's a call to arms!" said Bart.
"He's right! We've forgotten the old ways! Of egging houses and soaped up windows!" said Nelson as a hobo.
"And toilet papering their houses!" said Oscar as a clown.
"And that too!" said Nelson high fiving Oscar. "I say we trick her! Trick her good!"
"And then we eat her brains!" Hugo added.
"Eeeewwwwww!" Lisa moaned in disgust.
"Hugo stop making stupid or violent suggestions! That's my thing!" said clown Oscar squeaking his red shiny nose.
Hugo sighed.
...
They ring Agnes's doorbell and run away.
She looks out confused but cries as she is pelted with water balloons. The kids laugh at her. "May I remind you I'm your principal's mother!" She scolded Bart and the others. They threw more water balloons at her.
Bart and his friends laugh. Lisa laughs sheepishly not really wanting to be part of it.
"Come on Lisa... join in..." Bart sighed.
...
They were leaving the Skinners house. Martin was wondering what they did to poor Mrs Skinner as he went trick or treating dressed as Oberon, king of the fairies again.
"That was so awesome! I hope the next house doesn't give us candy so we can trick them!" said Milhouse.
"Why give them a choice?! Any treat will not be as sweet as that trick we did tonight!" said Bart.
"I'm starting to think we might be heading down a slippery slope..." said Lisa.
We cut to them riding bikes and wrapping Chief Wiggum up in toilet paper while Blitzkrieg bop by the Ramones plays.
Lisa rolls her eyes.
Oscar has his fingers in his ears annoyed at the gay music. "Right that's it!" He marches off screen and smashes something up. The music abruptly stops and he goes back on screen.
"Did you manage to cool yourself off...?" Lisa asked sarcastically.
"Yep..." said Oscar carrying a large wooden club.
They are then seen leaving Lenny's house having done something to his house.
"You smashed up my greenhouse again!?" Lenny yelled.
"Stop growing stupid flowers then..." said Bart.
"I fed your goldfish..." Lisa said sheepishly.
"You fed him too much! You're the worst one of all!" Lenny yelled as Hugo was seen eating the head of the said goldfish.
"Now that's just cruel Alvin..." said Oscar.
Alvin the executive producer sighed.
...
The townsfolk complained to Homer and Marge Simpson about their naughty children.
"I don't know what has got into them!" Marge gasped.
There is an angry crowd of people obviously pranked. Some have been wrapped up in toilet roll or stripped of clothing or their hair set alight.
"Rest assured people when my kids get home I'll tan their little-" Homer explained in a cross tone but Bart dropped Spider pig on him so his head got stuck up Spider pig's butt! Homer ran around with his head up a pig's butt.
"Trick or treat! Your head smells like pig butt meat!" Bart taunted
Bart and Lisa and co laughed and made a quick getaway.
"I can help with our wayward trick or treaters..." said someone. It was Ned Flanders.
"D'oh stupid Flanders!" Homer whined.
Flanders sighed.
...
"Hey, looks like Billy and Mandy are already trick or treating at stingy old Ms Crabbybottom..." said Oscar as Billy as Grim and Mandy as a monster ruthless high priced lawyer rang the door of a creepy looking house. Billy saw Oscar hiding and screamed. "Aaaaaagh! Clown!"
Mandy shushed him.
An old hag with her hair in a bun answered. She rudely told them she had no candy despite having clearly visible mountains of candy behind her in her house. " Beat it kids!"
"But..." said Billy.
Like Agnes she spat in their pumpkins and slammed the door on them.
"Some people never learn!" Bart frowned. "Nelson got that flaming bag of poop ready?"
"Almost!" said Nelson lighting a bag of poop.
"No need boys... I'm already on it..." said Mandy pouring a big bottle of cartoon glue over her door mat.
"Hehehehe! Glue..." Oscar giggled.
Mandy rang the doorbell and took Billy to hide.
The crabby old lady came out to wonder who rang her doorbell but she stepped in the glue and got stuck. "Huh? I'm stuck!" The glue made cartoonishly stretching noises as she tugged at it.
Oscar winced as he wet himself from his stuck in glue fetish.
"What in tarnation is this?" The old lady struggled. Suddenly someone threw water balloons at her. Then squirted her with a hose. This shrank her corset and clothes exposing her hairy legs. Her false teeth fell out.
The old lady started crying.
"Oh you made her cry!" said Lisa concerned.
The old lady was crying.
"So?" said Mandy. Everyone except Lisa ran inside the old lady's house and took her candy. Or at least just what they could each carry. They ran off laughing with their horde of candy.
"I'm cold and wet... and stuck in this glue..." the old lady sobbed.
...
Bart and his friends came upon Lovejoy's church. It had been given a scary makeover. It had a neon sign saying Heck house in red lights and other scary decorations.
"They redecorated the church!" said Nelson.
"Mmmmmmm... and people wonder why I'm a Buddhist now..." said Lisa.
Bart rolled his eyes at her.
"Scaredy-cats not wanted. Then I am wanted!" said Nelson.
"Welcome children! Inside awaits a warning of what a life of sin gets you!" said Ned Flanders.
"Coooool! Sin gets us something? I was just in it for the sinning!" said Nelson as a hobo.
"Just get your hineys in there!" Ned yelled at them. They went inside.
"Hehehehe! Hiney..." Oscar giggled.
"Watch and learn children..." said Ned.
There was a stupid performance with bad special effects. Skinner was supposedly at the Kwik e mart served by Apu.
"I would like a nice clean magazine please." said Skinner.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like a Playdude?" Apu asked.
"Oh okay. One peak can't hurt..." said Skinner buying the rude magazine, he peaked inside.
Suddenly he was ran over by a cardboard box car driven by Jimbo and his gang.
"Nooooooo!" Skinner cried and laid down.
"Ha! He died as he lived! a dork!" said Nelson laughing.
"No! He's being punished for thinking women are beautiful!" said Ned.
"Women are beautiful... Are you gay or something?!" said Oscar.
"Mr Flanders this show is lame..." said Bart.
"Yeah no offence Mr Flanders but kids are desensitised to most scary things these days!" said Lisa.
"Yeah even Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees aren't scary anymore!" said Bart. "This is scary now!" he put on a video on his mobile phone and showed it to Ned.
"I don't get it. That's just a cute little baby sleeping! What am I supposed to be- Aaaaaaaaghhhh! What the H E double silly straws is that!?" Ned screamed as Bart's phone screamed.
"That Mr Flanders is a Screamer prank." said Bart.
"Grrrrrr!" Ned was cross. "Your Lordiness... please grant me the power to psychologically torture and frighten these devilish children into loving you again! Amen!"
A bolt of lightning struck Ned zapping him.
"Coooool!" said Bart.
Oscar gulped.
Ned transformed into Devil Ned! Devil Ned as a big Red Devil towered over the children cackling loudly.
"Oh shazbot!" Bart gulped.
"We're in for it now!" Nelson said worried.
"Oh no! It's Devil Flanders!" said Oscar.
"Behold, the lass-diddly ass room of Ned Flanders Hell house!" said Devil Ned.
"Hehehehe! You said ass..." said Oscar giggling.
A firery vortex appeared and sucked them up.
"I warned youuuu... yet my punishment is no less serve..." said Lisa.
"You're being punished for being a heathen Buddhist young lady!" said Ned.
Lisa glared at him.
They arrived in Hell and landed on chairs. Suddenly red and black stripy furry arms grabbed them and held them to the chairs. Except Nelson who tricked the arms so two more arms grabbed him.
"Ha! Huh?" He asked as the arms got him.
The kids grunted and struggled, restrained in the chairs by the furry arms.
Plot 5
Devil Ned showed them visions of horrible things happening to people they knew.
"The first of the seven deadly sins! Gluttony!" said Ned.
Homer was in an Italian restaurant slurping up spaghetti. The spaghetti then bursted out of him killing him. He was now spaghetti with eyes...
"More bread please!" said Homer the spaghetti.
Bart laughed.
"Pride!" said Ned showing the next vision.
Dr Hibbert was driving a truck with banners celebrating his eldest son getting into Ivy League. Then he crashed into another vehicle and went through his window screen crushed in a bloody mess...
"Oh why did I have pride in my son's achievements!" Hibbert cried.
"You're also being punished for thinking it's okay to lock up little boys in attics!" Ned the devil scolded him.
Hugo smiled.
"Our next sin is Anger..." said Ned. (Wrath)
Groundskeeper Willie was scolding his tractor because it wouldn't start. "Why won't you work?!" He hit it and kicked it...
The tractor suddenly transformed like a transformer! Transformers! Robots in disguise! Into a a robot called Killy with buzz saws for arms.
"Cooooool!" said Oscar.
"I said why won't you work!?" Willie yelled at the angry robot. It sliced his head clean off.
"Sloth!" Ned listed the next sin. (Laziness and Apathy)
Homer was asleep on a netted hammock. "Hey I got killed by that magic spaghetti!" said Homer. "Oh well, YaaaaaAaaaagh!" He was slowly and painfully sliced into cubes of meat by the hammock.
"Eeeeeeew!" said Lisa.
"And the last three! Lust!" Moe is at a nightclub staring at a pole dancer.
"Greed!" Moe steals money from her.
"And Envy!" said Ned.
The pole dancer was annoyed by this and kicked Moe in the groin. "Ooooh! How I envy the crotch less!"
"And now take a look at where a life of sin leads to! Eternal darnation!" Ned yelled. The kids looked over at the lands of Hell. Mr Burns was a frog thing with no back legs just arms.
"I regret nothing..." said Mr Burns.
"We know that Mr Burns..." Ned sighed.
Krusty was a sawmill with books flying out of the mill that made up his body.
"This is what you get for stealing jokes?!" said Krusty.
"So Hell for Krusty is heaven for me..." said Bart.
"No because I'll make sure you don't get to see Krusty ever again!" yelled Devil Ned.
"Nooooooooo!" Bart cried.
Apu was in some dead black trees that somehow grow in hell being poked by devils with tridents.
"Ow! I keep telling you I'm Hindu!" said Apu.
"Mr Flanders..." Lisa yelled.
"Fine... I'll stop saying other religions are evil..." Ned sighed.
Jimbo, Dolph and Kerne were a three headed dog. A Cerberus. "Quit licking my junk!" said Jimbo!
"It's all our junk!" said Dolph.
Bart and co screamed.
Ned laughed evilly.
...
The kids were released from their chairs by the arms to continue the Hell Tour.
"Ok Mr Flanders! We're sorry! We promise we won't ever sin again!" said Bart.
"Ohohoho! I'm not finished with you all yet! Now make yourselves comfy, but not to comfy, this is Hell after all. And enjoy the show!" said Ned.
Bart lead Lisa and the gang through Hell to look around.
They watched as sinners arrived in Hell on the conveyor belt.
"That wasn't so bad..." said a murderer. A green demon sliced him up with a cleaver and scooped up the parts to put in barrels labelled "Hotdog Meat."
Lisa was put off but this made the boy's hungry.
"I'm hungry. Is there any grub round here?" Bart asked.
"Why sure. Nemo's dad is having a barbecue. There's one every day in Hell!" said Ned. He laughed because they didn't get why it was so horrible...
"I just filled myself up on candy. You guys go ahead." sId Oscar. He looked around alone. He was at the Heironymous Bosch area.
"Ha! The high chair demon is drinking with a straw..." he smirked and went off.
The gang stopped at a door labelled Ironic punishment. Inside the blue demon was punishing someone.
(Screams)
Bart shivered and suggested they move on.
...
They arrived at a door labeled Hell's Kitchen.
"A kitchen Ay? Bound to be food there!" said Bart. He looks inside.
"WHERES THE LAMB SAUCE YOU FUCKING DONKEY?!" A voice shouted loudly. "WHAT ARE YOU?!"
"An idiot sandwich sir..." said the small pink demon that delivered Homer's donut.
"GOOD! NOW FUCK OFF! GODDAMN FUCKING AMATEURS!" Gordon Ramsay shouted.
Bart shut the door and looked at his friends and sister. "Eh... It's labeled Hell's Kitchen!"
The big devil from Treehouse of Horror XI arrived.
"What are you doing near my kitchen?! The barbecue is over there..." he pointed to lots of picnic tables with demons and sinners eating at them and a demon manning the barbecue for Satan until he got back.
Bart went to the buffet table.
"Eeeugh! German potato salad... Pineapple coleslaw?! Yeeeuck! Aaaaagh! Pineapple on pizza?!" said Bart recoiling in disgust t the food.
"What's wrong with that..." asked Oscar eating a slice of Hawaiian pizza.
"Two calories in this cola... not evil enough..." said Hugo.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Ow! These hotdogs are really hot!" said Milhouse burning his tongue from the spicy hotdogs.
"No they're not..." said Flame eating one.
"I think we need to end this year's Halloween... Happy Halloween everyone!" said Bart.
"Happy Halloween!" said Lisa, Hugo et al.
The end!