The Sea
Thane was dying. It was happening too soon, too fast. In Jane's time, he would've been just starting to really struggle. He would've just agreed to stay in Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel. The fight with Kai-Leng still would've been months away.
She didn't know if she was ready to cope with Thane dying, yet.
Garrus hummed softly, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the side of her hand as they stood in the rain. She hadn't worn armor, so she was soaked through and through, her body losing heat. The dry, warm air of the domed city awaited her, but she just didn't seem able to make her feet take those first steps. No one in the amalgamation showed any interest in taking over and moving her in the right direction, either.
"It's not your fault, Dawn," Jane said. "And you know if Thane could hear the things you're thinking, he'd tell you the same thing. So would Garrus."
Wasn't it, though? No, she didn't give him Keperal's, but things she did helped speed the disease along.
"I'd get onto you for your negativity and self-loathing, but apparently it's kinda our thing." Jane scoffed. "You're in pain right now, and that's completely understandable, but you're not seeing the big picture."
"And what the fuck is the 'big picture' in this?" Shepard thought, jaw clenching as she sucked a shuddering breath in through her nose.
"The big picture is," Jane snapped back, but there was nothing but compassion beneath the snide tone, "that Thane is a grown man, and he made his choices in life. You don't get to take those away from him, and neither did I or any of the rest of us. He told you himself that these last few years since he met you on the Citadel, trying to solve the mystery of you, brought him more pleasure in life than what he had before. And, you know damn well how important it is for him to have been able to do some good with the last of his time. He wouldn't have traded away a moment of what you've given him, Dawn, and you know it."
Her words only drove the knife a little deeper, making the tears start all over again.
The door to the domed city opened, and a drell stepped out, head and half of his face covered against the rain. He looked up, gaze sweeping over the area, and when his gaze landed on Shepard, she recognized Kolyat's eyes. He started jogging straight for Shepard and Garrus, a Shepard's heart wrenched in her chest.
"Commander," Kolyat called out, slowing to a stop in front of her. "Is … you've been standing out here for quite a while." His gaze traveled over her, up and down twice over before he reached out, gently touching her elbow. With a softer voice, he said, "Allow me to show you inside."
Licking rain and tears from their lips, they sobbed but nodded. Kolyat turned to walk at their side, shifting so his hand rested between their shoulder blades. He gave them a gentle nudge, and they finally remembered how to make their feet move.
Shepard wrapped themselves in a bathrobe smelling of Thane. Their hair was still damp, and they felt chilled to the bone. Picking up the pile of wet clothing, they opened the bathroom and carried them out to Kolyat. "Thank you," they muttered as he carried them toward the back of the apartment.
Glancing up, they met Garrus' sorrow-filled gaze, and shuffled across the floor to bury their face in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her, rumbling deep in his chest, and pulled her in closer before resting his chin on her head. She let him hold her in silence, glad he'd removed his armor so she could soak in some of his heat. Hearing the sounds of Thane's coughing coming from his bedroom, she pulled away from Garrus and took a deep breath.
"You want me to come in there with you?" Garrus asked when she glanced back at him.
Sucking in another deep breath, she nodded. "Yeah, for a few minutes, at least."
Taking his hand, she led him across the room and down the hallway. She heard Kolyat moving around in the back, putting her clothes on to wash and dry. Her fingers trembled in Garrus' grip, and she sucked in another deep breath, turning toward the soft light filtering out of Thane's bedroom. Someone left the door ajar—probably Kolyat—but she knocked quietly, anyway.
She didn't hear a response, but apparently Garrus did. He stepped forward and reached out, pushing the door open with his free hand, mandibles fluttering wildly as he scented the air. Thane lay in his bed, reclined against a mountain of pillows. One hand rested on his chest, the other lay on the blanket next to his thigh. He looked absolutely terrible. He appeared thinner, weaker. His scales seemed to have lost their luster, and his eyes looked sunken deeper into his skull. In the back of her mind, Jane cringed away from the sight. Shepard choked back a sob and shuddered, the amalgamation swarming through her mind again before mostly settling once more.
"Garrus," Thane said, wheezing. His gaze zeroed in on her when Garrus shifted out of her way, stepping into the room. Tears filled his eyes, spilling down over his cheeks. He lifted his hand from the mattress, reaching out toward her before dropping it to the bed again. "Siha."
Her throat ached with the urge to wail and scream at the universe, demanding it do something about the tragedy unfolding before her eyes. Thane didn't deserve to go out that way, didn't deserve a slow, drawn out, agonizing death. But … he was dying at home, in his own bed, with his son nearby instead of in a hospital hooked up to a bunch of machines.
Releasing Garrus' hand, she moved across the room and pulled back the covers before climbing into the bed next to Thane. He lifted his arm, urging her closer, and patchouli and mint filled their nostrils. They curled in against his side, resting her head in the crook of his arm. He wrapped his arm around their back and rested his hand on their shoulder. His chest rattled as he breathed, and it felt like a vise grip around their heart and throat.
Lifting his other hand from his chest, he waved his fingers at Garrus, directing him to the bed behind Shepard. She squeezed her eyes closed, and her tears instantly soaked through Thane's light, linen shirt. The covers lifted, and the mattress shifted under Garrus' familiar weight. His warm keel pressed against her back as his arm settled along her side and hip.
Shepard awoke to an eerie silence. Thane's chest, cool against her face, his arm stiff around her shoulder. She didn't call out his name or attempt to rouse him; they knew damn well there was no point. He was gone. Thane was dead.
"I'm so sorry, Dawn," Jane whispered in the back of their mind. "I'm sorry. You'll get through this. I swear, you'll get through this. It'll be alright."
She didn't respond to Jane. There was no point in that, either. Jane knew what Dawn was thinking, everything she felt, and Jane knew Dawn didn't really give a damn what she or anyone else had to say just then. Squeezing her eyes closed, she wrapped her arm tighter around Thane's body and wriggled closer until every possible inch of them pressed against him. Tears pushed themselves past their eyelids, and they let them fall.
Yes, she'd get through it, and it'd be alright. She had to, there were no other options. But she didn't have to just then.
~696969~
It'd been a few hours since Garrus heard anything from either of them. He supposed he should go check on Dawn, maybe try to get her to sit up and eat something. She refused to leave Thane's bed other than to use the restroom since they arrived two days before. She slept when Thane slept, and when he'd wake up coughing, she shed silent tears and did her best to make him comfortable. When she'd start to keen and weep, Garrus would lay down on her other side, holding her close.
Truthfully, he wasn't sure what hurt worse: watching Dawn fight to keep her grief from consuming her or watching Thane slowly, painfully, slip away. He never imagined he'd come to care for the drell as much as he did when they first brought him aboard the Normandy. He did, though. He cared about Thane a lot, and it wasn't just because of what they shared with Dawn. He was a good man, and he'd fought long and hard to try to make amends for what he saw as his failings in life—even when he struggled to accept responsibility for his actions. He was intelligent, quick witted, and actually kind of funny once Garrus had the chance to get to know him a little better. And, Spirits … he'd only just reconnected with his son.
Kolyat appeared to be handling Thane's failing health relatively well, and most species might actually believe the act. Garrus smelled the agony rolling off the kid, though. He picked up on the shifts in Kolyat's emotions as he stared out of the windows or cooked meals. Garrus knew every time Kolyat's sorrow shifted into guilt, then rage, then sorrow again. He didn't really know what to say, though, so he kept his observations to himself and let Rone and the rest of Thane's family handle comforting the kid whenever they stopped by.
Turning off the vidscreen, Garrus stood and stretched. He rumbled softly when Kolyat glanced his way, gaze vacant, before turning his focus back out at the rain.
"I'm going to go check on them," he muttered, but Kolyat didn't respond.
Garrus made his way down the hall and rapped his knuckles against the door. He didn't get a response, so he figured they must both be asleep again. Pushing the door open, he paused with one foot in the air, ready to step over the threshold. The smell was faint but unmistakable: death. Death and anguish. Mandibles fluttering, he breathed deeply, rolling the scents around on his tongue, hoping he was wrong.
Damn.
"Dawn?" he spoke softly, stepping into the room.
His visor zeroed in on her and Thane, reading only one, unsteady heart rate. She didn't speak or move at all, but he knew she was awake. The salty scent of fresh tears joined the rest of the smells filling the room, and her heart rate increased as he neared the bed. She didn't turn to look at him, though, so he moved to Thane's side and into her line of sight. Crouching down to bring himself to her eye level, he settled his hand down on the arm she kept stretched over Thane's abdomen.
After a moment, she met his gaze and licked tears from her lips. "He's gone," she whispered, voice cracking.
He swallowed, mandibles tight against his face, and nodded. "He's gone," he agreed, and a keen pressed against his throat. He choked it down and caressed her arm. "I'm sorry, Dawn."
She squeezed her eyes closed, and as if someone flipped a switch, she began to wail and shake, burying her face against Thane's chest.
Garrus cradled her on his lap, sitting on a chair tucked back in the corner of the room. She didn't want to leave Thane, and he didn't want to force her, but Kolyat needed his space to grieve, too. After a few minutes, she'd let him carefully pry her free from Thane's grip—his muscles stiffened with death—and scoop her up into his arms. She clung to him as he called for Kolyat, the fingers of one hand wrapped over his cowl, her face pressed against his keel.
It'd taken her a few minutes more to quiet down, but she still cried, tears soaking his shirt. Something in his gut told him the amalgamation was at the forefront, but they didn't seem interested in moving from his lap anymore than he intended to let go. Kolyat knelt before his father, hands clasped and head bowed, whispering prayers to Kalahira, and Dawn—the amalgamation—seemed to be listening.
Her lips moved, but she remained silent, and Garrus thought she might also be praying. He knew Dawn wasn't really religious, but some of the others were. She'd told him once how Jane and some of the others joined Kolyat in reading from a prayer book while Thane was in the hospital, dying after being stabbed by Kai-Leng. Maybe that was what she was saying, not that it really mattered. Thane was dead, and there wasn't anything Garrus or anyone else could do to change the fact, no matter how badly he wished he could. All that mattered moving forward was doing whatever he could to make sure Dawn stayed with him. He couldn't lose her again. He just couldn't.
~696969~
Shepard knew she'd be expected to stick to the sidelines and simply observe the funeral proceedings, but she refused. She wasn't just Thane's lover, she was the captain of the ship he served on. She was Commander Shepard, famed Council Spectre. He was one of hers, and she damned well would honor him by taking an active role in his funeral. They'd never had the opportunity to before, not with the reapers tearing apart the galaxy, so she'd do it for the amalgamation as much as herself.
Thankfully, Kolyat agreed.
She couldn't say she remained completely present, didn't hear half of what the drell priestess said, but she kept a tight grip on Thane's travois. Directly across from her, Garrus did the same. Kolyot stood before her, at his father's head, and Thane's brother-in-law, Drali, stood at her back. Rone's place was opposite of Kolyat, in front of Garrus. Much to the amalgamation's surprise, Aleha, Rone and Drali's sister—Irikah's sister—stood behind Garrus.
Thane once told her that Aleha never really cared for him, and Kolyat mentioned Aleha wasn't happy when Thane came back into his life. Shepard wondered why, then, the woman would want to help deliver Thane to the sea. She supposed it really wasn't her business, and Kolyat didn't seem to mind, so she'd said nothing.
"Maybe now that he's gone," Jane mused, "she realizes she was wrong. Maybe this is her way of admitting that and saying she's sorry."
"Maybe," Shepard thought.
"Kalahira, we entrust our brother to your open arms," the priestess said, stepping out of the way and waving toward the ocean. "He is yours now as he has always been."
Shepard swallowed, demanding her tears stay trapped behind her eyes. She'd cried enough, and she could cry again later, but right then, it was time to hold her head high. Kolyat and Rone stepped forward, and everyone else followed their lead, moving into the ocean's waves.
The water bit like ice as it swept over Shepard's feet, flooding her boots and rising up her ankles. Goosebumps broke out over her skin, and a shiver ran down her spine, but she kept walking. Only when the water reached Kolyat's waist did they stop. Heart shattering all over again, she let go of the travois when Kolyat did.
A moment later, the waves swept up the travois, slowly carrying Thane out to sea.
A drell stood off to the side, poised, head lifted, hands tucked behind his back. He wore a shemagh, covering the lower half of his face, but his gaze remained eerily steady on Shepard as she said her goodbye's to Kolyat and his family. He didn't call out to her or interrupt in any way, but it seemed clear he waited for her to finish. Neither the amalgamation nor Jane had anything to tell her about the man. They didn't recognize him at all, at least not what they could see of him.
To her surprise, Kolyat reached for her and wrapped his arms around her in an embrace. It brought a pained smile to her face, but she hugged him back and took a deep breath. His scent was similar to Thane's, but somehow also wholly different. She knew she may not have much longer left before the reapers invaded in full force, and only time would tell whether or not she'd survive the war, but she decided right then and there that she'd make damn sure to stay in touch with Kolyat and do whatever she could for him. For Thane.
Jane seemed to give her a soft, reassuring smile. "I don't think anything would've made him happier than to know you were watching out for his son."
"Call me if you need anything," Shepard whispered softly next to his ear as he held her close. "I mean it, Kolyat. Anything at all."
"I will, Commander." He gave her one last squeeze and then eased back to hold her at arm's length. Tears rolled over his cheeks as he held her gaze and nodded. "You have my word."
"When they come," she said, licking mist and tears from her lips, "—the reapers—if they show up here, get some place safe and call me right away. I'll get you and your family off of Kahje as quickly as I can."
"I will." He nodded, letting go of her and stepping back. "Thank you, Shepard, for coming. I think having you here at the end meant everything to him. It helped ease his mind."
"I do, too," said Jane.
She gave him a sad smile. "I hope so," she said to Kolyat and Jane both.
"Commander Shepard," Rone said, drawing her attention, "Sere Vakarian." He held his hand out to each of them in turn. "Please, if there is any way we can be of service, I hope you will let us know."
Sucking in a deep breath, Shepard gave him a curt nod. "Thank you, Rone. If I think of anything, I'll give you a call." She glanced over her shoulder, briefly making eye contact at the drell waiting patiently before turning her attention back to Rone. "We should probably get going. And I'm sure all of you have been outside long enough. It was nice to see you again, Rone, even with the circumstances being what they are."
"The pleasure was mine." He gave her a soft smile and dipped his head. "Safe travels, Commander."
Giving Kolyat's arm one last squeeze, she dipped her head to Drali and Aleha who stood a few feet away. They returned the gesture, and she took Garrus' arm, turning away from Kolyat and his family.
"Who is that?" Garrus asked after they'd moved out of earshot, his gaze on the drell Shepard noted watching them.
"No idea." She adjusted her hand on his arm, shifting it to a position that wouldn't interfere with his drawing a weapon or her getting at her own if it became necessary. "None of us know him."
"Hmmm." His mandibles fluttered. "Are we stopping to talk to him?"
"I think we might." She turned her gaze back to the drell who openly held her gaze, studying what she could see of his forest green scales and black markings. Something about the way he stood screamed of training; he was a fighter, no doubt about it. "Let's wait and see what he does."
He turned a hand, palm up, out at her when she came close enough to speak without yelling. "Commander, a moment of your time, if you will."
Dipping her head in acknowledgement, she steered Garrus closer to the drell and came to a stop a few feet away. "How can I help you?"
Tucking his hand behind his back once more, he bowed at the waist. When he straightened, he tugged his shemagh down, revealing his nose and mouth. "Allow me to introduce myself: I am Rah'kira Sevanos. I am … I was responsible for much of Thane's training when he entered the Compact."
Shepard blinked, and Jane let out a hiss of surprise. She automatically shifted her weight, a subtle yet defensive stance. Garrus stood a little straighter, narrowed gaze shifting between her and Rah'kira while the drell blinked slowly at her. Thane never spoke about people in the Compact by name, but he'd told her stories of the man who mentored him growing up.
Thane knew Rah'kira better than he'd ever even known his own father, and he'd trusted and loved him just the same. But when Thane chose to leave the Compact to be with Irikah, Rah'kira shunned him. It'd hurt Thane. A lot. So much so that when he'd decided he had to return to assassination as a profession, he couldn't bring himself to approach the Compact again. He wasn't sure whether or not they'd have ever allowed him to return once he'd left—though he doubted it—but because of how Rah'kira made him feel, he wouldn't even try.
One night, while lying in bed together, Thane wondered aloud if he'd returned to the Compact, would it have been so easy for his enemies to get to Irikah and Kolyat. He thought that maybe the Compact would've provided his family with some measure of protection in his absence. Of course, she had no way of knowing if he was right or wrong, but she knew the thought must haunt him. It would've eaten away at her mind were she in his shoes.
Gently clearing her throat, she asked, "What can I do for you, Sere Sevanos?"
"I have been instructed through the Compact to approach you." Rah'kira lowered his gaze, looking at the stretch of sand between his feet and Shepard's. "My apologies, I know the timing is less than ideal. However, I must do as I am told." He met her gaze again and paused, but when she didn't say anything else, he continued, "The Illuminated Primacy wished to offer you use of those serving in the Compact, beyond working to prepare for the invasion and confronting the reapers directly when they arrive."
"So, what, like a SpecOps team?" Jane asked, mirroring Shepard's thoughts.
"I have compiled a list of the different professions and skills drell are trained in within the Compact." He opened his omni-tool. "Should you feel any of these skills will serve your mission," he said, holding his omni-tool out in offering, waiting for her to open her own to accept the list, "we will send whomever is best suited to fulfill the tasks you assign to them. I am to act as your contact—The Illuminated Primacy thought my connection to Thane might make me ideal for this purpose, but I am certain if you disagree, they will gladly assign you someone else."
"So not just a SpecOps team." Jane hummed, giving Shepard the impression she pursed her lips and crossed her arms as she contemplated the possibilities.
Shepard opened her own omni-tool and primed it to accept the transfer. Reaching her hand toward his, she let the two devices sync up long enough to transfer the file. She'd check her omni-tool for spyware before returning to the Normandy or doing anything else with it, for that matter. She didn't have any reason to doubt Rah'kira, not really, but if her relationship with Thane taught her anything, it was to be exceedingly cautious.
He closed his omni-tool after she accepted the file. "Additionally, the Compact is prepared to place someone with a skill set comparable to what you became accustomed to with Thane under your direct command. If you agree, I will have them meet you at your shuttle and return to the Normandy with you. If you prefer time to consider the offer, I can arrange to have them transported to your current location, wherever that may be, at the time."
Shepard swallowed, and Garrus' hummed. Her heart wrenched and twisted in her chest. She knew it'd be foolish to turn down the help, but the idea of having someone meant to replace Thane join her on the Normandy … it brought bile rising up on the back of her throat. For fuck's sake, she just let his body drift away on the ocean's waves. And, what if Rah'kira wasn't who he said he was. What if he was a reaper plant of some sort? Or even just trying to get someone aboard the Normandy for political sabotage?
"Would you give us a moment?" Garrus said, flicking his mandibles.
Rah'kira dipped his head, tugging his shemagh back up over the lower half of his face. He turned and walked away, headed toward a tree on the beach line. Garrus turned toward Shepard, cupping her shoulders in his hands and squeezed.
She looked up at him. "I don't know if I can trust myself to be objective and rational on this one, Garrus. What are you thinking?"
Humming, he rubbed his hands up and down her shoulders. "I think," he said and then hesitated, mandibles fluttering softly, "so long as it won't be too much for you to handle so soon after losing Thane, then we should accept whatever help they're willing to give us."
"We don't know them, whoever they are. We only ever knew Thane, Kolyat, and Feron," she said, staring up into his ice blue eyes. "We don't even know this man is Thane's old mentor."
"Hmmm. True." He nodded. "But, you just took on turian crew members none of you knew before now, too. And, you didn't know Grundan Krul, Avalina, or Pamar. I get it's easier to trust them because your team knows them, but …. It's your call, of course, Shepard, but I think we should accept the help."
She sighed and let her gaze drift off toward the ocean.
"Jane, what do you think?" Garrus asked after a moment of silence.
"I think you're right," Jane said.
"She agrees." Shepard looked back up at Garrus and nodded. "Alright, looks like we're getting a new team member. They're not staying in life support, though."
Shepard shifted her weight off of her hip and stood upright as a drell broke away from the foot traffic coming and going from the domed city and headed toward the shuttle. Not quite as tall as Shepard, but thinner and lithe, the woman removed her hood and shemagh as she approached. Charcoal, rose red, and cream colored scales accented her angular face with high cheekbones, deep set eyes, and full lips. Quite frankly, she was stunning, and she moved with the same deadly grace as Thane.
"Harath Namel," the drell said with a bow when she came to a stop, "at your service, Spectre Commander Shepard."
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Shepard said, dipping her head. "Do you have a preference in how you're addressed?"
Jane scrutinized the drell through Shepard's eyes but seemed content to reserve judgment for the time being. Somehow, her silence helped to ease Shepard's mind. She knew if Jane held doubts, she wouldn't hesitate to say so.
"Not at all." Harath smiled. "In fact, I can easily adjust to whatever name you wish to give me if I'm ever needed to take on an alias or go undercover for any reason."
Shepard chuckled, though it felt false leaving her throat. "I'll keep that in mind. Harath it is, then." She gestured at Garrus. "This is Garrus Vakarian, my second in command. Do you have everything you need before we head to the Normandy?"
Lifting her black, canvas bag, she dipped her head. "We're trained to travel lightly."