Chapter 27: Return of the Scotsman:
Jack's POV:
I was once the son of an Emperor who vanquished the demon, Aku. But then Aku returned and my friends and I faced him, but then he sent us forward in time and now we are here. Who am I? They call me Jack. My friends and I were at a bar.
"What is this drink," asks Jill.
"⏁⊑⟒ ⟟⋏⏁⟒⌇⏁⟟⋏⏃⌰ ⍜⍀ ⏃⋏⌇ ⍜⎎ ⏃ ⋔⏃⍀⏁⟟⏃⋏ ⏃⋏⟟⋔⏃⌰ ⏃⋏⎅ ⟟'⋔ ⌿⍀⟒⏁⏁⊬ ⌇⎍⍀⟒ ⊬⍜⎍'⍀⟒ ⟒⏃⏁⟟⋏ ⏃ ⟒⍀⏁⏃⟟⋏ ⌿⏃⍀⏁ ⏁⊑⏃⏁ ⏃⋏ ⍜⋏⌰⊬ ⏚⟒ ⎎⍜⎍⋏⎅ ⍜⋏ ⏃ ⋔⏃⌰⟒."
"I'm not sure I want to know what you just said," says Jill.
"Will this cover it," asks Peter.
The money was not good enough and we ended up in a fight. But then we ran into three old friends, Fergus, Barabal, and Lachlann.
"Guid tae see ye three again," says Fergus.
"Reunion time later," says Jill.
"Let us gie ye a haun," says Barabal.
The three then helps us fight the angry aliens.
. . .
We then managed to escape.
"What brings you three here," I asked.
"We need ye three tae hulp us rescue mah guidwife," says Fergus.
"You're married," I asked.
"His guidwife is that best mukker ah mentioned," says Barabel.
"She's at th' castle o' bourne," says Lachlann, "Th' celtic master o' th' hunt the script tae devour her whin th' moon is stowed oot!"
"Th' rules o' th' clan say that a'm needin' a stranger tae hulp me 'n' yer th' ainlie strangers ah ken," says Fergus.
"Very well," I said.
. . .
Before we can help, Fergus had to take us to meet his clan.
"A' body, 'ere ur th' strangers that ur aff tae hulp us," says Fergus.
The people then look at us.
"They're streenge a'richt!"
"How come is this laddie sportin' a dress?"
"Th' lassie looks lik' she needs tae pat mair bridie oan her bones!"
"Ye would've bin better aff wi' a monkey!"
The Clan Druid then came and he started talking.
"What did he say," I asked.
"Ye mist prove yersel."
. . .
First, we had a feast. Something called haggis.
"What is haggis," asks Jill.
"Sheep's tummy stuffed wi' bridie 'n' barley," says the entire clan.
"So, what language was the Druid speaking," asks Peter.
"A maist ancient tone," says Barabel.
. . .
Then came the test. I have to throw a rock. A member of Fergus' clan named Angus throws first. Now I must throw it past his rock. I then try... and it fails.
The Druid speaks.
"Cathbad says ah hae tae fin' a stronger stranger," says Fergus.
"There is no time for that," I said.
"Mah brassic guidwife wull be an ingredient in a stew," says Fergus.
"I have an idea." I then walked over to Angus. "How many stones do you weigh?"
"Twenty stanes, whit's it tae ye, fancy breeks?"
I then threw him past his own stone. The clan then cheers. The Druid speaks.
"He said ye passed," says Fergus.
. . .
We then left.
"Is your clan always that wild," I asked.
"Aye, that's how come ah ne'er return hame," says Fergus, "A'm th' mellow yin."
"You can put me down now," I said.
"Och na, a'm carrying ye a' th' wey thare," says Fergus, "Tis th' least ah kin dae."
. . .
We then arrived at the Castle of Bourne.
"What are they doing," asks Jill.
"Preparing thair ritual," says Barabel.
Celtic Minions: Feel the clock beat on your back
As you pack your bag
You wonder if your sanity
Is something you ever had
And you wonder how the darkness
Panting at your door
Could drive a man to turn his back
And run for other shores
Pull your coat around your throat
But you just can't fight them back
The guns, the tears, the whistling fears
As the future fades to black
And the things you love begin to fade
Though you try to hold on
As you grip the sands with aging hands
Til all that's left is gone
When you can't go home
No matter what you say
Can't go home
They've gone and took it all away
Can't go home
To taste the dirt is what I yearn
For the ones who've gone, let's sing a song
Never to return
Think on friends and families
And you wonder how they fared
Torn apart forever
By the things you'll never share
Feel the sweat roll down your neck
As you bend from the toil
From white to blue, it's what you had to do
For a grave on foreign soil
Of the things we've lost and the things we've gained
The losses fly off the scale
But it's the things we've lost are what haunt us most
The price of distant prison without bail
When you can't go home
No matter what you say
Can't go home
They've gone and took it all away
Can't go home
To taste the dirt is what I yearn
For the ones who've gone, let's sing a song
Never to return!
"That song of Sacrifice," says Lachlann.
"I think I see her," I said.
"Och, mah beauty. Mah buttercup, mah loue bunny," says Fergus, "A'm 'ere tae save ye!"
. . .
We found the cell door, but when we opened it...
"Honey bahookie," says Fergus. We were surprised to see what his wife looked like. "Muffin!"
"Dinnae ye muffin me ye ripe end o' a baboon," says Fergus' wife.
"I pictured someone alot... prettier," says Jill.
"And more polite," says Peter.
"Ye disappear wi'oot a word fur twa years," says Fergus' wife, "ainlie tae shaw up fur a've bin kidnapped, leavin me in this rotten sty fur a munth till ye git th' gall tae come 'n' save me! Hauld yer horses till th' lest minute! Whit hae ye bin daein' th' hail time, ye pimple-faced hingle-dilly worm? Some guidman yer! Och, muckle warrior, ah think na! Ah will tell ye whaur ye'v bin! Stowed tossing namby pamby rocks wi' yer good-for-nothing dullards, raisin' mair deils than a kin lig tae save th' loue o` yer..." She then gets a good look at me. "Noo a've seen everything. Is this wha ye'v bin wasting yer time wi', some wiry maypole sportin' an hackit dress 'n' tasteless slippers? Ah swear oan chatelain's mighty chest hairs, a've git wooden spoons brighter then ye. 'n' tae think ah merrit th' ainlie scot in bonnie scotland who'd bring some candlestick in slippers tae his wife's rescue, instead o' a clan o' bumbling brutes. Na ah juist git a group o' bumbling brutes, lik' me simple minded best mukker, 'n' her dimwitted brother, 'n' thae twa! Weel, this guy's mair o' a fashion-inept sheephearder!"
"Bit bonnie lump, th' druid said..."
"Th' druid? wha listens tae a jimmy sportin' an elk skull oan his heid?"
"Bit he..."
"Shut it!"
"Aye dear."
"We should go," I said.
"Och, that's a grand idea. Ye mist be th' brains ah suppose," says Fergus' wife.
"It's just common sense," I said.
"'n' how urr ye aff tae git me oot?"
"We could walk," suggests Jill.
"Ah stubbed mah toe, sae ye'r juist aff tae hae tae carry me oot"
. . .
We ended up doing so. "Remind me never to get married," says Peter.
Fergus' wife just kept on complaining. Death by Aku would be a mercy compared to this. Then we were surrounded.
"Ah dinnae suppose traivelin us richt intae this bathering airmie wis pairt o` yer plan," says Fergus' Wife, "Weel, dinnae juist staun thare, defend me!"
We ended up fighting them off, but then the Celtic Master of the Hunt came.
"The Moon is full," says the Celtic Master, "destroy the intruders and throw the fat female in the pot!"
Hearing the word fat, Fergus' wife went mad and started beating the Celtic Master down.
"Impressive," I said.
"That's mah guidwife," says Fergus.
. . .
"That was amazing," says Jill.
"See how come she's mah best mukker," says Barabel.
"She should join the Resistance," says Peter.
"How come? it wouldn't be fair tae Aku," says Lachlain.
"Och, angel! och mah buttercup! yer sae grand! mah wee lee wid be darkness wi'oot ye," says Fergus.
"Ye'r sweet-talking me?"
"Aye," says Fergus.
"Dinnae ever stoap, loue. Dinnae ever stoap," says Fergus' Wife. The two then kiss. "Ye'r a sweet jimmy tae come 'n' rescue me."
"'n' ah coudnae hae dane it wi'oot mah mukkers," says Fergus, "Catch up wi` Jack, Jill, 'n' Peter."
"I am honored," I said.
"Och, pleasure's mines, sur," says Fergus' wife.
"You were amazing in a fight..." Jill begins.
"Och, enogh o' that, ye three come 'n' gimme a hug!" She started squeezing us. "Sae crakin', bit they're a bawherr skinny-malinky."
"Ye kin mak' thaim some haggis," says Barabel.
"No thanks," says Jill.
. . .
Now we needed a way out, but "I'm not sure how considering the door is small and Fergus' wife is so very..."
"UUUUUUUUUhhhhhhhhh... Jack," says Peter, "you're not narrating right now."
"What," asks Fergus' Wife.
"Run, Laddie," says Fergus.
And so, I faced my newest challenge, the anger of Fergus' wife.
XXVII
In the next chapter, Jill helps a young band get a book back from Mandy.