Chapter 20! This chapter took forever and I am exhausted. It was extremely difficult to write but I'm finally satisfied, I think. I've been chipping away at this one for a very long time and there's going to be a lot to unpack here. Multiple turning points for multiple people. This is my favourite type of chapter: light on action but heavy on emotional dialogue and psychological analysis. (Sorry, Mika).
And yes... y'all finally get to read Kurda's letter.
Chapter 20: Letters Addressed To The Fire
Song:Evermore by Taylor Swift. Because the second I saw a Bon Iver feature on Evermore, even before it was released I knew it would be in this story come hell or high water, after the way Taylor blessed me with Exile and all but wrote the last 2 chapters of Endgame for me. There's some damn nice symmetry here if I do say so myself.
Gray November
I've been down since July
Motion capture
Put me in a bad light
I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone
Trying to find the one where I went wrong
Writing letters
Addressed to the fire
The first week passed in a haze of tears and confusion. Hours blurred into days. Mika spent the majority of his time with Gracie at first, but as the days went on he started to phase back into presiding in the Hall of Princes as well. In as few words as possible, he arranged with Arrow to start splitting days so they could take turns sleeping and not have to spend time together.
Kurda's parting instructions weighed heavily on Mika's mind. He knew he needed to get it over with, go open that chest, dig that letter out, and find out what the hell Kurda wanted him to know so badly before his would-be assassination. But every time he tried to work up the nerve to go down that road, no matter how ready he thought he was, his mind brought him back to the night of the exile, every single time. The panic and shock that bordered on depravity. The sting of the glass accidentally-on-purpose tearing his skin open.
He just didn't really want to go there again.
On quieter days with less meetings, Gracie joined Mika on duty, sitting beside him in Vancha's vacant throne like she used to when she was younger. But if Mika had learned anything since last council, it was that wallowing in pain wasn't good for anyone. He still vividly remembered how much better he felt when he kept himself busy while trying to process Paris's death. So on the third day he gently suggested to Gracie that, if she was feeling up to it, she could accompany Seba as he went about his wide variety of daily tasks. Maybe help out with some of the lighter chores. She agreed to give it a try, to Mika's relief.
That freed up a bit of Mika's mental bandwidth to refocus on clan business - and honestly, not a moment too soon. He hadn't been giving Arrow much thought since Gracie returned to the mountain. Mika did what he could in terms of upper management, and let Arrow pick up the slack. But that didn't mean Mika could check out. He worked tirelessly to strike an impossible balance: being everything everyone needed him to be. All the while feeling like he was failing every single one of them, and none more so than Gracie.
Then one night, Mika woke up with a headache so all-consuming he couldn't even see straight. Because that's what happens when you get a severe concussion (or a few) and continue going about your business while ignoring medical advice. Now, Mika being Mika, dealt with the setback the only way he knew how: getting up and carrying on as normal despite being fully convinced he was about to die. That lasted all of four seconds, and he went down hard on the floor. Upon coming to, he had just enough presence of mind to crawl back into his coffin, and mind-link with Seba with instructions for the night:
A) inform Arrow he's running the hall on his own for a few more hours at least.
B) keep an eye on Gracie, make sure she's okay, tell her I'll be fine.
C) if I don't appear in a few hours, assume I'm not fine and have probably died.
So that was Mika's Wednesday. Absolute write-off. As he lay there he blamed the gods, the universe, Desmond Tiny, the weather, the position of the stars, and every other force of nature he could think of... all while knowing that this time, this particular inconvenience was all on him.
Take it easy. Relax. Sleep as much as possible. Avoid stress, was what Dr. Yang said.
Ooga booga booga, was what Mika heard.
He was paying for it now.
He didn't know how long he slept, but when he woke up he was at least able to see straight, so he headed up to the Hall of Princes in hopes of making himself somewhat useful. The headache itself was whatever; Mika had dealt with worse. Excruciating pain is just another day at the office for your standard vampire. If the clan introduced hazard pay, the amount of physical trauma Mika endured over the years could easily finance enough therapy to start unpacking his emotional baggage.
What he was really concerned about was the fact that when he finally walked into the Hall of Princes, the first thing he saw was Gracie sitting up at the front of the room, in Paris's throne - talking to Arrow who was seated comfortably to her right.
Arrow had known Gracie as long as Mika had, and he damn near loved her just as much. Arrow had a strong paternal instinct - as a young man, he almost didn't join the clan upon learning about vampiric sterility. Adopting orphans with Sarah was the true silver lining of his life. (Who do you think taught Mika to change a diaper?) On the flip side of that coin, Mika had been Team No Kids for as long as he could remember. Until roughly a quarter-century ago when he revised his stance to Okay, Maybe Just This Kid.
Mika wouldn't have had a single qualm about Arrow hanging out with Gracie one-on-one, even with their recent falling-out. Arrow was the only other person on earth Mika trusted with her to the same extent as Kurda. Because Arrow was Arrow, and he was family. And as much as Mika resented him currently, Mika knew that would never change. He wanted to give Arrow the benefit of the doubt that he was simply providing Gracie comfort and solidarity, insight from a perspective that Mika couldn't offer because he hadn't endured the same loss himself.
But Mika also knew firsthand how Arrow's hatred changed him. It took Arrow decades to re-direct and eventually control the toxic loathing that corroded his soul after he lost Sarah. But the damage had already been done by the time he fought his way back. Arrow's legacy would forever be defined by his hatred for their purple-skinned cousins. Arrow would never intentionally steer Gracie down that same path of destruction, but the man didn't exactly have a history of choosing his words wisely. And Mika would be damned if he let Arrow inadvertently poison her mind. Not that Mika had any fuzzy feelings towards the vampaneze, but Arrow's toxic grudge and coping mechanisms were so bad it was legendary. And it was only at the height of the war that Mika understood just how dangerous that mindset was.
Arrow smiled cautiously when he saw Mika, and Mika replied with a polite nod. A silent pact there would be no arguing as long as Gracie was present.
"Did you get promoted already?" Mika asked Gracie offhandedly as he approached, a weary smile illuminating his face despite the hundred thousand things he was currently worried about. Because no matter what else happened - as he kept reminding himself - she was here, and she was safe.
"Yeah. They gave me your job, actually." She replied instantly - never one to skip a beat. "They said two Ver Leths up here is too many, and you didn't show up today... so here I am. You're fired."
"We're not firing him... just retiring him." Arrow contributed with a soft chuckle and a careful glance at Mika.
Right." Said Gracie, making a face. "Happy retirement."
Her voice was still deadpan, a ghost of her usual animated chatter. But it had only been four days, and there was already a faint sparkle returning to her eyes. And that was such an overwhelming relief, Mika couldn't help but grin back at her.
"You know I could still drop you off at the orphanage, right?" He told her.
"Not if I put you in a senior's home first." She fired back, crossing her arms and leaning back contentedly into the throne - as Mika did every single day of his life.
Mika laughed, for the first time in a long time. He slowly climbed the steps and sunk down comfortably next to her, in his own throne. For a moment, just one golden moment, the rest of the world faded away. No war, no fear. It was just him sitting there, in his favourite place in the world, in the company of two of the people he loved most. For just that moment, everything was okay. He was okay.
Gracie tilted her head and glanced over at him, the sparkle faded and the concern on her face was evident.
"Seba said you were unwell. It's not like you to take a sick day. What's wrong?" She asked pointedly.
"I'm fine." (He knows he says that a lot, but he really means it this time). "I promise. Just my concussions catching up with me."
"Wow. Almost like that doctor knew what he was talking about." She replied, arching an eyebrow dubiously.
"Or he took a lucky guess." Said Mika. "I'm sorry I missed most of the day. Did anything important happen while I was out of it?"
"Just a few meetings." Said Arrow, sounding weary. And fair enough, he'd been guarding the hall solo for upwards of fifteen hours at this point. "No discussions or news you haven't already had half a dozen times."
"Figures." Mika replied shortly. "Thanks for staying late. I'm functional now - you should go get some sleep."
Arrow stood up from his throne, and stretched - emitting a loud groan as he did so.
"You don't have to tell me twice." He told Mika. "See you both tomorrow."
Mika nodded to him, and Gracie shot Arrow a smile.
"Night, Uncle A. Thanks."
Arrow glanced back at them as he descended the platform steps. Strangely his eyes landed on Mika first before going to Gracie. Arrow's face softened, and he smiled back at her.
"Always." He said simply, before carrying on his way.
"Seriously, what did I miss?" Mika asked Gracie once Arrow was out of the room. She shrugged.
"We just chatted for a bit. He wanted to know how I was doing. He told me about his wife, and what he went through when she... when he lost her."
Mika winced inside - that was what he'd been afraid of - but he kept his face neutral.
"He knows what you're going through better than anyone else... better than me." Said Mika. "He was in a dark place for a long time after Sarah was killed. And not that it compares to what he went through... but it was really hard for me to watch."
"And now here you are, watching from sidelines again." Gracie replied tonelessly.
"It's so much worse this time." Said Mika, knowing he had maybe thirty seconds before his voice started cracking. "Arrow was my best friend, but he wasn't my responsibility. You are."
"He told me not to get lost in hatred..." said Gracie slowly. "Not to let the dark win. He said I can hate the vampaneze who killed Dale-"
Mika cringed, but she wasn't done.
"-but not to hate their entire clan because of the actions of few... it's not worth the energy. It's just more pain." She paused. "He doesn't want me to end up like him."
Mika exhaled. Arrow may not have always chosen his words carefully, but today he did. Today, he fucking nailed it.
Mika's body un-tensed, and he leaned his head against the back of his throne and closed his eyes for a moment. He hadn't realized how heavily his anger towards Arrow had been weighing on him ever since the funeral. But suddenly the burden seemed lighter - and gods, what a difference it made.
Gracie was done working for Seba for the rest of the night, and Mika only had a couple short meetings to conduct. So she remained there at his side, quietly observing him do his job, the very thing he lived and breathed for. Closed her eyes and listened to the comforting, familiar sound of his voice. For a few minutes she was a little kid again, killing time in here on a quiet night, snuggled up on one of the empty thrones with a doll, a blanket, and a snack. Just happy to be hanging out with her dad - her hero, her best friend. Even back then, all she wanted was to be everything Mika was. Kurda, too. Not necessarily career-wise. But she knew she wanted to be as strong, confident and driven as Mika. As clever, independent, and open-hearted as Kurda.
And she did the damn thing. She took the best of both of them and was just getting warmed up making a name for herself - in her own world. That world was gone now. She wasn't the same happy little girl that existed in those memories. It was all still so fresh, she felt like she might never be happy again.
But now, at least she felt like she was home.
And I was catching my breath
Staring out an open window
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore
Here's the thing about Arrow: the man is a wonderful Prince, beloved by his fellow vampires. Arrow is honourable, courageous, and inspiringly committed to the wellbeing of the clan. Not to mention his skills as a warrior set him apart from the rest. In a nutshell, these are the reasons Arrow has a throne in the Hall of Princes. Honestly, those are the core requirements for the job. There's nothing in the laws that states a Vampire Prince needs to be able to make a schedule, adhere to the schedule, conduct a meeting efficiently, or have even the slightest inclination towards organization.
Mika just happens to check all the same boxes that Arrow does, while also being blessed with solid administrative skills AND a talent for managing people. Arrow on the other hand, is just lucky that the entire clan is legally required to respect him, whatever he does or says. Even if what he says is "Oh gods, does anyone know how this fucking thing works?"
When Mika walked into the Hall of Princes the next day, Arrow was conducting a meeting with a handful of vampires that were preparing to head back out to the field after spending a few months recovering in the mountain.
At least, Arrow was attempting to conduct a meeting. He was trying to assemble a collapsible wooden easel so everyone could see the territory map clearly - but it was evident he had no idea how to set it up. Which was fair, one of the mountain carpenters had built the thing during Arrow's time away and it was pretty temperamental if we're being honest.
But still, Mika leaned on a pew and watched with amusement as Arrow struggled with it for a few minutes. Every time he set it up and started talking, it collapsed loudly behind him, his face reddened in annoyance, he swore loudly and fumbled with it some more, lost his train of thought in the process, aaand repeat. No one realized Mika was there, until eventually he spoke up from behind the crowd.
"Clip's on the right side, Sire Arrow." He remarked. Arrow's eyes darted to Mika immediately, the strangest look of relief, surprise, and a hint of annoyance illuminating his face. He located the clip, and succeeded in keeping the board upright. He resumed where he'd left off, and Mika slipped in seamlessly.
The meeting lasted almost three hours, and it was, dare we say, quite productive. For three hours, Mika and Arrow were a two halves of the same soul again. They cooperated and bounced ideas off each other like old times - they didn't have the option to get snarky with a room full of eyes on them. And after hearing the advice Arrow had given Gracie, Mika didn't really have any snark in him.
"Gracie told me what you said to her... about not letting the hate win. Thank you for that." Said Mika quietly as Arrow put the easel away once the meeting had adjourned. It had to be said.
They were both standing in the small meeting room behind the thrones. Arrow put the easel down maybe harder than necessary, and sank down into one of the chairs along the wooden table. He looked back up at Mika with heartbreak in his eyes.
"I meant every word." Said Arrow. "Don't let her end up like me. It's so easy to just... lose yourself in it. I can't take all my years of self-destruction back, but it's not too late for her."
"I won't let her fall that far." Mika affirmed grimly. Arrow nodded. He assumed a pensive expression as he held Mika's gaze, as though some internal battle was raging in his head. "What's on your mind, A?" he added, arching an eyebrow seriously.
"I saw your face as you walked in yesterday while I was talking to her..." said Arrow. "I know everyone says you have a good poker face, but I know you too well. You looked like you were ready to knock me out of my throne."
Mika sighed heavily. Should've seen that coming. He'd still been standing up, but he slowly pulled out a chair from the table and sat down next to Arrow.
"You're famous for how much you hate the vampaneze because your wife was murdered by one." Said Mika. He kept his tone even, knowing how easily this topic could go sideways. "So you can imagine my concern when I see you conferencing with my impressionable, grieving daughter who just went through what you went through."
"Fuck, Mika..." Arrow gulped, his face falling. He balled up one fist and slammed it into the table as through the thoughts in his head were causing him immense frustration. "You really think so little of me? Did you think I was going to tell her to pick up an axe and go hunt them for sport?"
"Not in those exact words." Said Mika carefully. "But hatred is insidious. It became your entire identity. And there's so much about you that's more worthy of recognition... but your grudge overshadows all of it. It always has, and it still does. Punch me in the head if you want, I truly have no fucks left to give at this point. It's the truth."
"I'm not denying it." Arrow murmured. But there was a strain of bitterness in his voice that hadn't been there til now. "That's who I am... I'm Arrow the Vampaneze Slayer. Whether I still want to be or not."
"You don't want to be that anymore?" Mika asked, mildly taken aback. Arrow looked more world-weary than Mika had ever seen him.
"Of course not." Arrow croaked. "I meant what I said at the funeral feast. I don't know what to do from here. All I know is I've been a key player in how far we've distanced ourselves from the vampaneze, and I own it. We can't take another decade at war. Something has to change."
"I wish the rest of the world knew the Arrow I know. And I don't mean Arrow The Vampaneze Slayer." said Mika, voice catching in his throat. "I mean my best friend, my brother. A, you were my sanity when I was losing my mind. And when I actually did lose it... you helped me find it."
Arrow's eyes were reddening, lips trembling, shoulders starting to shake.
"Relationships come and go... Sarah, Arra, Kurda, Kaden, Renley... but nothing touches us. At least that's what I always thought. Until that fight." Mika added hoarsely, and Arrow unraveled further yet.
"Gods, Mika... fuck... I'm sorry, I just..." Arrow stammered disconsolately for a few moments and Mika did not attempt to finish his sentence for him. And good thing too, because Mika wouldn't have predicted what Arrow was about to say. "I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong. I thought I was getting better at managing it, but then Kurda happened and it was like I was right back to square one, the day she died. And I couldn't see past it. I'm a mess. I've never been anything but a mess."
"I'm sorry you felt that way. I don't think you're a mess." Said Mika, looking Arrow dead in the eye, gaze unrelenting. "But I'm done listening to the excuses you make for yourself."
"I'm trying... I'm not like you." Arrow croaked. "I'm not strong. Not inside."
"A few years ago, when I was my worst self, Paris told me: "I know you can be better. So be better"." Mika added. "Trying isn't enough. If you can't get out of your own way... I have nothing left to give this friendship."
Mika let those words hang for a moment. It didn't need to be specified; they both knew they were thinking of what Arrow said before the funeral, and the deafening subtext within it. The catalyst to the ground caving in between them:
"Was Kurda worth it, Mika? Was he worth this?"
"You were right." Arrow whispered at last, and when his eyes met Mika's they pierced the deepest place in his soul. "Kurda was worth ten of me. And he was right to do what he did. I hate it, but that doesn't make it any less true."
There it was. It wasn't phrased as an apology - but it said more than an apology ever could. Mika felt blood rush to his head, and for the first time in gods knew how long it was a sense of relief, not impending panic, that had his limbs trembling.
A long, loaded silence hung between them. Mika chose to pierce it, because he knew exactly what say:
"If you died tomorrow, I wouldn't remember how much you hate the vampaneze. I'd remember how much you loved your people. And I don't just mean your inner circle, I mean the entire clan. If you can love something that much while balancing it with all that hate, imagine what you could do if you just let the hate go. It's not to late to take your own advice."
Arrow was weeping freely now, shoulders shaking mightily, face buried in his massive, battle-scarred hands. He tried to say something, but it was utterly unintelligible.
"Didn't catch that. Get your shit together and try again." Said Mika with a note of fond exasperation he couldn't remember when he'd used last. Arrow's attempt at getting his shit together involved essentially collapsing onto the table and sobbing loudly into his folded arms for a few minutes.
"Yeah, that's it. Let it all out, A." Mika sighed with the faintest margin of sarcasm because he just couldn't resist. "Tell me all about how rough YOUR week has been." But he gently patted Arrow's back all the same.
But Arrow laughed, as Mika knew he would. And when he raised his head he was smiling like he hadn't smiled in years.
"Gods, I missed you, you absolute prick. First I didn't see you for six years, then we only got half a day together before all hell broke loose." Arrow chuckled shakily as he wiped his tears. "You're my fucking soulmate. You know that, right?"
Mika shot him a wry grin.
"Don't let Kaden hear you say that." He smirked.
Arrow's eyes immediately widened and his face went bright red. But he let out a great boom of laughter.
"Excuse you?! My listening skills may not be renowned, but I'm damn sure I remember hearing Renley on that list you named. And I may have had other things on my mind at the time, but I vividly remember him holding you up after we fought. I suggest you start filling me in on whatever the hell I've missed."
Mika winced. He certainly didn't mean to tack Renley's name on there. But he couldn't take it back now.
"Fuck, we're going to be here all night."
"I'm sorry, does Sire Ver Leth have somewhere more important to be?" Arrow fired back.
Mika rolled his eyes and smiled.
"I'll have Seba bring some ale."
Hey December
Guess I'm feeling unmoored
Can't remember
What I used to fight for
I rewind the tape but all it does is pause
On the very moment all was lost
Sending signals
To be double crossed
THREE DAYS LATER:
Mika was sitting at his desk flipping through meeting records when he heard a soft knock on his door. He knew it would be Gracie. Nobody else in Vampire Mountain knocked softly.
"Come in." He told her quickly, and she did.
"Hey." She greeted him. "You busy?"
"Depends who's asking." He replied with a thin smile.
"I'm the only one in here." Said Gracie, arching an eyebrow but returning his smile. It was faint, but it was a smile nonetheless.
"Then I have all the time in the world." Said Mika. Gracie smiled a little wider, and approached. She looked tired, but as settled as could be expected in the circumstances. She sat down on the lid of his closed coffin and peered up at him. It occurred to Mika that maybe he should have a second desk chair in this room. But usually he was the only one in here (and the odd time he hosted company, they were generally in his coffin). Not to mention he didn't like clutter. It appeared Gracie was having a similar thought about his lack of extra furnishing.
"Why don't you have a couch like Uncle Arrow?" She remarked. "You have plenty of space."
"It would clash with the furniture." Said Mika with a hollow chuckle. "Arrow's couch is great, but I promise it's not worth the effort it took to get that thing into the mountain. And most of the time I spend in this room I'm either asleep or at this desk." He explained with a shrug, patting the luxurious mahogany surface.
"Why do you have such a nice desk, anyway?" Gracie asked. "I thought vampires were all about roughing it."
"They are. I mean, we are." Said Mika, smiling wryly. "I can rough it as well as the rest of them. But I have nothing to prove to anymore. The matching furniture was an investiture gift."
"Gift from who?"
"Me."
"Wow." Gracie smirked. "Where does one even get matching furniture in the middle of nowhere?"
"One asks the mountain carpenters to build it. And when one has an investiture coming up, they say yes." Said Mika. "The wood was imported from Denmark."
"You're too much." Gracie replied, rolling her eyes. "No wonder I'm so high maintenance."
"I know what I like. Sue me. You're a lawyer, aren't you?" Said Mika.
"I WAS a lawyer. And I wouldn't waste my time suing you - you don't have a cent to your name, remember?"
"Right. I always forget that part."
"If I was a vampire..." Gracie mused thoughtfully. "I think I'd get a matching set like this too. But I'd want a real bed, not a coffin. Or a hammock. No offence to tradition, but I'd rather still have a functional spine by the time I'm seven hundred. I've only been back for a week and I already need a chiropractor."
Mika frowned at the words 'if I was a vampire', but manage to neutralize his face again just as quickly. He wasn't quick enough though, and she noticed.
"What was that face?" She inquired in a way that was offhanded-but-not. Gosh, wonder where she learned that?
"Nothing." Said Mika calmly. "Just glad to see you inherited my excellent taste. You know I can just ask the carpenters and they'll build whatever you want, right? You don't have to be a vampire."
She narrowed her eyes at him, and he knew she wasn't buying his lighthearted attempt at changing the subject.
"You never used to flinch like that when I mentioned becoming a vampire." Gracie remarked. Her tone was disarmingly casual. And yet so pointed. "That was always Kurda's deal. I couldn't even make a joke about it and he'd act like I said something awful."
"Because the idea of you ever joining the clan is more serious than you can even get your head around." Said Mika carefully.
She let out a chilly laugh.
"You think I don't understand how serious all of this is? I was there to hear how they planned to use me against you. And I was there to see you almost get killed. I couldn't fight, I couldn't flit... it was just me and my car."
"Gracie, I'm glad I'm alive. I owe you everything." Said Mika. "But let me be perfectly clear, I hate that you risked your life for me. You were only in that position because of me, and I'm going to carry that for the rest of my-"
"Yeah, I know, Dad. Woe is you." She cut him off impatiently. "Listen, I wasn't just trying to make you feel better when I said it wasn't your fault. I know you did everything you could to keep me safe. But for all your power, it still wasn't enough. And you were right, it happened because of you."
"Just tell me how I can make it up to you, Gracie. I don't know how, but I'll try anything."
No sooner had the words escaped his lips than Mika realized he already knew exactly where this conversation was going. Part of him always knew this was coming. But for a while he sure had convinced himself otherwise. The only thing she wanted from him was the one thing he wasn't prepared to give her. All he knew now was that it was too late to take those words back.
She stared back at him, the utter picture of serenity except for the wildfire in her eyes. Mika held her gaze even as alarm bells screamed in his mind.
"I'm ready to join the clan." Said Gracie, as though it was the simplest thing in the world. As if she was endeavouring to go get a haircut or something.
There it was. Mika felt his heart drop into his stomach.
"You're already part of the clan." Said Mika, not taking his eyes off hers. "You're my family. That makes you part of the clan."
She rolled her eyes and Mika knew he wasn't going to be able to smooth this over with a few gentle words.
"Since when have you wanted to become a vampire?" He asked, in the most transparent masquerade of calm he'd ever attempted.
"There's always been part of me that wanted in." She replied flatly. "What better time than now? I'm not a minor anymore. I know exactly what I'm getting into. I'm ready to go all in."
"Slow down. It's not that simple." Mika countered, as his own thoughts were being anything but slow. "I know you're not a minor. But you're still young. Most vampires start as a human apprentice. Sometimes they travel with their vampiric mentor for years before they fully commit to joining the clan."
"Good thing I spent my entire childhood following you and Kurda around." Said Gracie wryly. "I know the laws. I know the traditions. I know how the mountain operates. I can even name every past Prince and most of the famous Generals! How many fully-blooded vampires can even do that?"
"I know." Said Mika. His tone was placating - he knew it wouldn't work, but it was all he had. "You were always so smart. You listened to everything we said. I think you were more familiar with mountain protocols than half the staff-"
"So you agree. I know exactly what I'm getting into." Gracie replied evenly.
Fuck, thought Mika.
Gracie raised one fine, golden eyebrow and Mika was absolutely certain that she'd rehearsed this debate in her head at least a hundred times already. Mika, on the other hand, was totally blindsided. And he was sinking fast.
"I know it's not what you wanted." She added. "But you told me it was my choice, years ago. Even when Kurda shut me down, you told me you'd have my back. Whatever I chose. And I'm choosing." She spoke with a cutting self-assurance that would've made Mika proud in any other context but this. He winced internally.
"I did say that. You're right." Said Mika. "But the world has changed so much, the clans weren't at war back then."
"All the more reason to blood me. Don't you want me to be able to defend myself?!" She retorted, her voice taking on an abrasive edge. "What if something happens to you? What if you can't protect me anymore?"
"You're not thinking clearly." Mika protested. "Put yourself in my shoes for a minute and try to understand-"
"'Don't even go there. My head's never been clearer!" Gracie fired back, eyes blazing determinedly. "I've been thinking about this all week. I only waited this long because I knew you weren't ready to hear it. Maybe you should put yourself in MY shoes."
"I understand why you think you need to do this. And I believe that you've put a lot of thought into it." Mika pushed back, albeit with no small degree of caution. He was an expert in high-stakes arguments, but this could very well be one of the toughest debates of his career. "It's only been a week, Gracie. You're still grieving. Trust me, it's too soon. Give it a year and see if you still want it. Then we can talk."
"Perfect. A year should give you plenty of time to prepare your next excuse." She growled, rolling her eyes again.
"I'm not making excuses! I'm also not letting you make a permanent decision because of a temporary feeling." Said Mika defensively. And he immediately realized he couldn't have phrased that any worse.
"TEMPORARY FEELING?!" She snapped. "I have news for you. This isn't like when I broke up with my high school boyfriend and you flitted to the school and ate ice cream with me while I cried. I didn't just lose Dale! I lost my whole life! You think I can just get over this in a week or two?!"
"Of course not, I'd never expect -"
"You're really throwing around words like 'temporary feeling' when you still flinch every time you hear the name Kurda Smahlt?" She continued viciously. There were tears in her eyes but her voice didn't waver.
"Gracie, just listen to me. I know I failed you, but you have to trust that I know what I'm talking about here." Said Mika, struggling to get the words out as his throat constricted. "Joining the clan won't change what happened. As long as you stay human, you have a chance at going back. Please... just wait til the war is over."
"Are you that ignorant of the real world?" Gracie snarled back. This side of her was unfamiliar to Mika. He was dumbstruck, utterly lost. "You really think I can just slide back into the human world when all this clan bullshit blows over?" She continued vehemently.
"Of course you can." Said Mika firmly, even though he'd never felt less confident in his life. "You worked so for the life you had -"
"THAT LIFE IS GONE! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?" She yelled, springing to her feet abruptly. Mika also stood up from where he was seated, although he moved with deliberate slowness. This was no time to fight fire with fire.
"My boyfriend died suspiciously and I disappeared the same day? You don't think people will question that?!" She continued. "And did you forget I killed someone with a car registered to me, and fled the scene? Left my job without warning? And you think someday I can just walk into my office again like nothing happened?!"
"I know it's not that simple. I'm sorry, you're right." Mika countered desperately. "But you can find a new city, or a new country, make a fresh start-"
"This isn't the same world you were born into! There's no fresh start! You think my name and face aren't all over the news right now? Not to mention the social security numbers, identification, and background checks if I ever applied for a job again! Dad, I was a fucking lawyer! Do you know how much work that took?!"
"Of course I know. You'll be a lawyer again, we'll figure it out." Mika didn't even believe the words he was saying, but he couldn't stop them from tumbling out. Arguing constructively had always been his superpower and Gracie got that from him. But arguing with Gracie was Mika's kryptonite. She got that from Kurda.
"I can't just give myself a new identity!" She scoffed, gawking at him as though he was truly incompetent. "It doesn't work like that! Know what kinds of jobs you can get with no documents or identification? I'll be lucky to stay off the street if I go back!"
Mika felt his mouth dry up as the true scope of her loss dawned on him. And he hated himself for not fully comprehending it til now. He was never this naive.
"We can find a way." He choked out. He knew he was faltering. "Like when we enrolled you in school. We had to find someone to make all the fake documents. We can do that again."
"So I can spend the rest of my life living a lie? Constantly looking over my shoulder? What kind of life is that?"
"You don't have to go back to the human world. You can just stay here. You'll be safe." Mika offered hopelessly. One last, desperate grasp at the straws. He wasn't delusional enough to believe it was actually a solution.
"So those are my options?" She snorted derisively, tears gleaming in her eyes. "Living out my days as a fake human out there, or a fake vampire in here? But hey, at least I'll only have to rough it for five or six more decades before I get old and die! And when that happens, you'll still look thirty-five."
"Stop..." Mika heard himself rasp. "Please..."
"Don't I deserve a chance to make something of myself, like you? I tried to be a great human-"
"You were! You are!"
"It doesn't matter now. Let me try to be a great vampire."
"You have to give it time. You'll find your place in the world." Said Mika softly. And he knew he shouldn't have even bothered uttering those words out loud.
"MY LIFE IS OVER BECAUSE YOU PAINTED A TARGET ON MY BACK THE DAY YOU BROUGHT ME HOME!" She roared, voice finally cracking. "After everything you've done for me, how hard you worked to help me have my own life. You failed. And now you won't even let me be part of your life." Tears streamed from her eyes as she directed all her grief and anger directly at Mika. Mika yelled at a lot of people for a lot of reasons on a regular basis, and not in a million years would it have occurred to him to yell back at Gracie. Ever. He sit there and took it - any other reaction would've felt wrong.
"I'm sorry, Gracie." Mika whispered hopelessly. But meaning it with every fibre of his being didn't help a damn thing. He knew it, and so did she.
"You keep asking me what you can do for me, how you can make it up to me." She croaked. "Well... this is it, Dad. This is all that's left."
Then she stared at him for a few moments, eyes still glittering with cold, angry tears. Mika he stared back at her, mind racing but body completely still, eyes glazed over as that familiar slow-burn panic began to burn through his veins. He didn't feel he deserved to breathe the same oxygen as she did, because she was right. She seemed to be waiting for him to speak but he couldn't form a coherent thought, much less vocalize it. She shook her head as though disgusted, then stood up and headed for the door.
"Gracie, don't leave. Please, just -"
The door slammed. She was gone, and Mika was alone again.
She was so fucking right about everything. Mika didn't think it was possible to hate himself any more than he already did. He should've known better than to think he'd seen everything rock bottom had to offer.
There's always a new low.
And I was catching my breath
Barefoot in the wildest winter
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore
It would be days before Mika and Gracie spoke again. She rejected his every attempt to reconnect, so he backed way off and respected her space, difficult as it was. She continued to spend most of her waking hours helping Seba around the mountain - Mika got hourly updates so at least he could take comfort in the knowledge that she was keeping busy and not wallowing in misery.
And who was he to protest anything she'd said? After all, hadn't it been Mika himself who told her, time after time, that once she reached adulthood he'd support whatever path she chose? He'd been lulled into a false sense of security by how she succeeded at building a life for herself. He really had convinced himself that this was off the table.
How ignorant that was.
Mika finished another exhausting night in the Hall of Princes and had just switched places with Arrow. That was his one and only silver lining - at least he had Arrow back on his team. And he didn't know how he survived four months without.
It was late and he'd been awake far too long - so, just a regular day. Mika wandered down to the Hall of Perta Vin-Grahl, beyond ready to drown the stress of the day in the soothing chill of the underground pools.
But it's hard to drown stress when it's waiting for you in the water.
Mika turned the corner into the room, froze on the spot, and promptly wheeled around to head right back where he came from. The cavernous room was empty, except for one lone figure waiting in the deep pool Mika favoured.
Renley's back was facing Mika, so Mika figured he might just get away without being noticed, but he wasn't that lucky. He's never that lucky.
"About time you showed up." Said Renley. He wasn't speaking loudly but his voice carried well, echoing off the vast walls.
"I didn't know you kept a copy of my schedule, but I guess I'm not surprised." Said Mika lightly as he approached. He felt a little guilty - Renley hadn't exactly been at the front of his mind ever since the incident. They'd barely spoken since.
"Don't need your schedule when you're predictable as clockwork. Your last meeting ran long. You're stressed. You know you need to eat but you aren't hungry yet. You came down here to clear your head, and the cold makes you hungry so you'll stop for a bite on your way back up the mountain. Then you'll go to bed, sleep for a few hours, and do it all again." Said Renley, glancing up at Mika as he reluctantly made his way over. The luminous lichen on the walls bathed the cavern in a soft bluish light that clearly defined every curve of Ren's well-muscled back and shoulders.
"You know me well." Said Mika quietly.
"Not really. Your patterns of behaviour are predictable, that's all. You're not nearly as mysterious and complicated as you think." Said Renley.
Remember when Kurda told Mika that years ago? Almost word for word? Mika remembers.
Mika peeled his clothes off and wordlessly slipped into the frigid waters, sitting on the ledge a few feet from Renley.
"So you were waiting for me." Mika remarked after a moment.
"It's not exactly easy to get you alone. Especially now that you and Arrow are back together." Renley explained, more sardonically than was probably necessary.
"In case you haven't noticed..." said Mika drily. "I'm kind of going through something at the moment. Getting laid hasn't exactly been top priority."
"You think I'm worried about that right now?" Ren sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. "I want to talk to you. And it'd be great if you'd listen. And if you felt like talking to me too, I wouldn't complain." He sounded extremely resigned, and his eyes were devoid of their usual devilish gleam.
Mika knew exactly what this was. He saw it coming from a mile away.
"Talk, then." He told Renley quietly. "I'm listening."
"Alright. I get why you called Kurda in. You have a daughter together, and that's separate from the clan shit. I don't have an issue with the 'why'."
"You have an issue, though." Said Mika.
"A little warning would've been nice. That's all I'm saying."
"Ren, I wasn't bringing you to a party as my date. I needed you to help me save my daughter's life. Sorry I didn't want to waste time giving you a heads-up about my ex."
"I could've gotten over that. It's the way you looked at him, Mika. I know his betrayal cut you the deepest - but he turned on every single vampire in this clan. And that includes me. You can't expect me not to have some feelings about that... at the very least. I'm trying to get past it, but you're going to have to help me out here."
Mika bristled, and snapped around to glare directly at Renley.
"Did you witness the same trial I did?" He growled. "If the fact that he turned on us was your biggest takeaway, and after seven years you haven't figured out that there's bigger forces at play than you or I can comprehend... I don't know what to tell you, Ren."
"I refuse to believe he couldn't have found another way. He was going to be a Prince!" Renley groaned, practically oozing frustration. "The highest honour any of us can imagine - he had everything I ever wanted. And that included you. He sold us all out. He plotted your fucking murder, do you just keep forgetting that?! And after all of that, you still look at him like he's the only person in the world. I don't understand, Mika. Make it make sense."
Mika sat quietly for a minute
"So you still want your own throne someday, Ren? You think you can handle being Sire Azerion?" He murmured, narrowed eyes still trained icily on the young General beside him. "Here's some insight from someone who's been living your dream for about a century now: First of all, it's actually a nightmare, so good luck. Second, it's not about power and glory. Your entire job is to give the clan everything you fucking have, and I mean everything. All your time, your energy, your sanity, and if necessary - your life."
"I know how it works." Renley shot back, holding Mika's gaze determinedly. But Mika could see the shadows in his eyes. Ren was no idiot. He knew he'd crossed a line. And the Mika sitting beside him right now wasn't his fuck buddy - he was his superior.
"Kurda saw a threat coming, and he knew nobody would be willing to take him seriously enough to consider clan unification - not even me. He was right, and I'll never forgive myself for that." Mika continued viciously. "But his plan would've secured our future if he succeeded, and it would've saved more vampires than it lost. Simple math. And he knew the cost - I'd be dead. Gracie would hate him. What remained of the clan would hate him too."
"I know, Mika." Renley croaked. "I didn't mean-"
"Actually, you don't know. And you meant exactly what you said." Mika ranted on. "Do you really not remember what Kurda said at the trial? Once it was all said and done, he'd be executed himself! He had nothing to gain. Not a single thing except maybe saving a few ungrateful vampires like you. I used to tell myself I would've done the same thing in that position - but the truth is, I don't know if I could've done it. You know why? Because I'm not that fucking strong."
Mika paused for breath. Shaking with suppressed rage, but not finished yet.
"I'm not half the Prince Kurda could've been. He wasn't a naive fool, and he wasn't a snake. I respect you, Renley. I appreciate you. But if I ever hear you throwing dirt on his name again, I promise you'll never get an investiture nomination. Not from me, or anyone else." Mika finished. His heart was racing, but he forced himself to keep his breathing under control. But it wasn't hot, defensive anger blistering through his veins anymore. It was vindication.
Renley didn't speak for the longest time. Mika had nothing left to say so they just sat side by side in the glow of the lichen, listening to the muffled crash of the waterfall on the far side of the cavern.
After several long minutes in which he stared bleakly into the crystal pool, Renley finally tilted his head to the side and looked over at Mika. He looked neither angry nor offended. Or even surprised, for that matter.
"You still love him." Said Renley. It wasn't a question, but a statement. And he said it as simply as though commenting on the scenery.
Mika said nothing. Of course he still loved Kurda. But he didn't even want to have that conversation with himself, much less Renley.
"You know... you still look for him in your sleep. You talk to him too." Said Renley at last, voice thick with emotion. "At least, you've done it almost all of the times you've slept with me."
Mika winced in surprise. That was a curveball he didn't see coming.
"That... that can't be right."
"Why would I lie? The first night you fell asleep in my bed... You were reaching for me. Or so I thought. You just kept saying, "I'm sorry... don't leave me". Like you were lost, or someone else was. And I kept telling you I wasn't going anywhere. I pulled you into my arms but you didn't wake up. Eventually you said his name... and that was when I realized you were still in love with him and I didn't have a hope in hell. But I tried anyway."
Mika took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He glanced over at Renley, one eyebrow raised skeptically.
"I would've been happier not knowing that, as long as we're being honest with each other." He informed Renley.
"We don't always get what we want." Said Renley sadly. "You should've realized that by now. Just know that when I told you I loved you, I meant it."
"I love you too, Ren." Mika sighed after a weighted silence. "I'm just not in love with you. I know, because I tried to be."
Renley let out a breath of bitter laughter. He leaned over, as though weary from a long journey, and rested his head on Mika's shoulder. Mika leaned into him too, and closed his eyes.
"Hey, that's further than I ever expected to get with you." Renley choked out after a minute. "So... good for me, I guess."
"No, you were good for me." Said Mika quietly. "In another life, I think I would've fallen for you just as hard. But in this life... it's out of my hands. I'm sorry."
"I know. It's okay. You deserve the world, Mika."
"I already have that. I just want my family back."
It seemed Renley was out of words for the night. He put his arm around Mika and kissed him on the temple. He held on for a minute and Mika didn't protest. Then they broke apart, Renley wordlessly got dressed and left the cave, leaving Mika alone with his thoughts once more.
But Mika wasn't afraid of that like he used to be - sitting by himself with only his own mind for company. And damn, had that ever been a long time coming.
First came the heavy drinking after Kurda's exile - because passing out in a drunken coma was so much easier than trying to co-exist with all the strange new demons in his head. Then came the five years in the field hunting for the Vampaneze Lord, when Mika pushed himself to the limit every single night. It worked - as long as he was busy or exhausted, he couldn't hear himself think. Then it was back to the mountain where he couldn't afford to lose himself completely like he had before. So he found his third and final coping mechanism - in the form of Renley fucking him into oblivion every night.
No more.
The war was shifting gears, and Mika couldn't explain precisely what that meant. It was just something he knew with every fibre of his being. This storm was coming to a head, and whatever happened next would shake the universe to its core.
And he needed to be ready for that.
And he'd start by finally facing what he'd been putting off for the past week.
Can't not think of all the cost
And the things that will be lost
Oh, can we just get a pause?
To be certain we'll be tall again
Whether weather be the frost
Or the violence of the dog days
I'm on waves, out being tossed
Is there a line that I could just go cross?
He left the waterfall cavern and began the long walk up corridor after corridor that would lead him to what was once Kurda's personal cell before the era of their cohabitation. Mika felt numb from head to toe and it had nothing to do with the icy water he'd left behind.
He thought he was ready, he really did. But the closer he got to the room, the more he knew he'd never, ever truly be ready to take in whatever coded goodbye Kurda had penned while having every intention of permanently removing Mika from the equation. And fuck, even seven years the thought was just as crippling as the moment Kurda admitted it at the trial.
By now, Mika understood Kurda's motives inside and out. Acknowledged the agony it caused Kurda to set that plan into motion. Internalized the fact that Kurda had been acting for the greater good of the clan as any Prince would have, no matter how much it hurt - exactly the point he'd been trying to hammer into Renley's thick skull not ten minutes ago.
But even now, Mika still ended up back in the same dark, depraved place he'd mentally retreated to during the trial. Because no matter how noble Kurda's sacrifice, Renley was right. He still plotted the death of the man he loved, the co-father of his daughter. He was still at the core of a plot that would've orphaned her for the second time in her life. And no matter how pure his intentions, he still shattered Mika's world so thoroughly, no lifetime would be long enough to pick up all the pieces.
Mika paused outside the door to Kurda's cell and took several deep breaths that didn't make him feel better in the slightest.
He was fully anticipating a crippling panic attack the second he walked through the door.
Kurda's old room was dusty and untouched - but somehow it still smelled like him. Or maybe it was in Mika's head. There was still a half-folded blanket in the open coffin, stacks of meeting notes on the desk, and a handful of worn clothes in a pile on the floor. If you ignored the dust, it seemed like Kurda had only been gone for a few minutes and would float through those doors at any second.
They'd hooked up here, countless times. Way, way back while they were fucking their way through the secret-friends-with-benefits phase that preceded their actual relationship. Gods, how simple life was back then when their biggest problem was trying to keep the covert ops hidden from the public eye. Mika's only regret was keeping it a secret at all. He should've gone all-in from the start. His heart wanted to, his brain just took a while to catch up. Their relationship still would've been obliterated in the end, but at least they would've had more time to be happy.
Mika's hands were shaking so violently he could barely open the chest. Luckily he didn't have to dig to find the letter, it was right there at the top. A nondescript envelope that was simply labelled "MVL".
He sat at Kurda's desk, not bothering to brush the dust off and got all over him. It contrasted sharply with his all-black attire but that was the furthest thing from his mind. His heart was about to hammer a hole through his throat and he felt on the verge of throwing up and/or blacking out.
He moved at a glacial pace as he went about carefully peeling the envelope open, then withdrawing the folded piece of paper. His hands were so numb he had next to no control over what they were doing, one wrong move could accidentally rip the thing in half.
Finally, the envelope was discarded and the letter was securely in his hands; the blank, folded side facing out. This was it. There was no going back.
He inhaled. Closed his eyes.
One more trip down memory lane to the last night they ever spent in here, the night they ended their no-strings-attached arrangement. In the blinding heat of climax, Mika found himself a fraction of a second away from moaning out three reckless words that would've turned their world upside down at the time. He almost said "I love you". And he would've meant it. But he held back, and went on to waste almost a year before he finally said those words out loud. And he'd never forgive himself for all that wasted time they could've had.
Exhaled. Unfolded the letter. Whatever final thoughts it contained, he wouldn't waste another second.
So he read it.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
He got halfway through the third read before he finally broke. Vision blurring. Palms sweating. Lungs closing. Stood up from the desk. Bad idea. Room spinning. Can't think. Can't breathe.
The letter alone would've levelled him, even if he hadn't already been carrying the weight of Gracie's loss. Put the two together and it was a psychological clusterfuck of the highest order.
This changed everything.
Suddenly, everything he thought he knew was wrong. The truth that broke him seven years ago, the night of Kurda's exile, had only ever been the partial truth. But Mika ended up in the same place he had back then - slowly sinking to the floor, imploding into himself because it was all too much. Just like last time. The moment he lived in fear of repeating. And suddenly he was right back in it.
But was he?
No.
That was then, and this was now.
Seven years ago, he was drunk, bleeding, destructive. Wanting out. Wanting to die. Begging for all of it to just stop.
Now, his body was shaking from more adrenaline than he knew what to do with. In shock, but not like before. Gone was the crushing grief and confusion. He didn't know what he was feeling now, but it wasn't that.
Seven years ago, Arrow found him and practically carried him out of the room. Mika told him he didn't want to be a Prince anymore. And that, for him, was rock bottom.
Now, he was picking himself up off the floor, galvanized by a new resolve. Because now he had the last piece of the puzzle, when he hadn't even known it was missing. When he walked out of this room it'd be under his own power. He only thought he was strong before. Now he knew he was.
Seven years ago, he became a weak, sick, broken shell of who he used to be. He stopped trusting himself, started questioned every decision he'd ever made. But mostly, childishly, selfishly - he wondered if Kurda had stopped loving him, or if he ever actually loved him from the start.
Now he knew better. And he'd never question it again.
And when I was shipwrecked (Can't think of all the cost)
I thought of you (All the things that will be lost now)
In the cracks of light (Can we just get a pause?)
I dreamed of you (To be certain we'll be tall again)
(If you think of all the costs)
It was real enough (Whether weather be the frost)
To get me through (Or the violence of the dog days)
(Out on waves being tossed)
I swear (Is there a line that we could just go cross?)
You were there
Gracie knew she couldn't exist parallel from Mika forever, but for now it was working.
Her relationship with Mika had always been rock-solid. She was fully aware he had no earthly idea how to be a parent, but he knew how to be a leader. So Mika's take on fatherhood was just a modified version of how he went about leading the clan. He was open, honest, rational, and respectful. And she loved him for it.
So on top of everything else, being on bad terms with Mika had her feeling absolutely gutted inside. She knew why he was so adamant against blooding her. She also knew she'd sliced him to the bone with her words. She regretted the way she said them, but nevertheless she stood by all of it. The only way to reach her true potential now was to leave her humanity behind. Maybe eventually Mika would see that. She supposed she wouldn't be leaving this mountain anytime soon.
The storm of grief and bitterness still swirled in her mind, but at least she got a reprieve during the hours she spent working. And by the time she got back to her cell, her body was weary enough that she could drift off to sleep without her brain putting up too much of a fight. It wasn't a permanent fix, but it was a good temporarily solution. She'd just finished another long day of doing odd jobs in the mountain under Seba's quietly watchful eye, and she was endlessly grateful to have that outlet. Otherwise she'd undoubtedly be pacing a hole in the floor of this room, maybe banging her head against the wall or something.
She was just getting ready to call it a day when she heard a knock on her door.
"What?"
"It's me." Mika's voice drifted through the heavy wooden doorframe. "Let me in, Gracie. Please. I haven't seen you in three days."
"Unless you're here to tell me you're ready to honour my choices as an adult, you can go away." She replied coolly.
"I really need to talk to you. It's not about that."
"Then I'm not interested in talking."
She heard him sigh.
"This is important." He pressed, a quiet resolve evident in his voice. He wasn't going anywhere. "I have something you should see."
"Is it a list of more apologies and excuses?" She snapped back. "Because I'm good, thanks."
Mika sighed again, a little louder.
"Gracie, I love you more than anything in the universe." He replied wearily. "But if you don't unlock this door, I'm going to break it down."
Gracie rolled her eyes as she glared at the doorframe. She might've believed him if he said it with a shred of conviction. But they both knew Mika was essentially incapable of raising his voice at her, much less breaking her door down. Carefully remove it from its hinges *maybe, but even that would've been a stretch. There were more than a few degrees of separation between Mika the Dad and Mika the Vampire Prince. (Ordering guards and Generals around? Passing laws, conducting trials, handing out sentences? Effortless. Enjoyable, even. Bringing the hammer of discipline down on Gracie, for any reason ever? Unthinkable).
"Maybe try turning the handle first. Aren't you supposed to be strategic genius or something?" She suggested sardonically in the direction of the closed door. Closed, not locked. The handle turned and the door slowly creaked open to admit Mika. And he looked rough. His face was pale and his eyes were red and bloodshot. She felt a prickle of foreboding - last time he looked like that, he was breaking the news to her about how Kurda's investiture had gone off the rails and upended their entire lives.
She warily watched him approach, sitting sideways in her hammock. There was an empty storage crate near the door, Mika slid it over and took a seat upon it, at eye-level with Gracie.
"How are you?" He asked her seriously. "I've been so worried about you."
She studied his face for a moment, now that she could see him better. While he seemed dazed, whatever was going on in his head wasn't like before. He looked exhausted, but not devastated. Hopeful, even.
"I'm tired." She replied at last. "Of everything. But Seba's been taking good care of me."
"I know he has." Mika chuckled bleakly. "I've been asking him for hourly updates."
"Figures."
"Can you blame me? I'll give you as much space as you need. But if you think I'm going to let you shut me out completely, think again."
Gracie exhaled slowly, then reached out and gently placed her palm on Mika's forearm.
"I don't want to shut you out, ever." She told him. "I just don't know how else to make you understand."
"I didn't come here to have that fight with you again, Gracie. I just... I read something. Something that gave me some perspective I didn't even know I was missing. And I want you to read it too."
"...What is it?"
"The night of the attack, Renley brought you back to the mountain without me. I stayed behind for a bit, I needed to rest before I could flit safely. I talked to Kurda for a while-"
"About what?"
"A lot of things. But he told me he wrote me a letter just before his investiture ceremony. He intended for it to be his last words to me, but it didn't work out like that. I didn't know the letter existed until this week."
Mika withdrew a folded piece of paper from his chest pocket. His hand shook as he handed it over to her. She glanced down at the blank side of the paper, then back up at Mika, calculated but curious.
"I had no idea what to expect. It took me all week to bring myself to read it. And I just did." Mika added. "We didn't have the whole truth before. But we do now. Trust me."
Suddenly her heart felt like it was up in her throat as she prepared to unfold the paper. She reached out instinctively, and Mika met her halfway without hesitation. He firmly gripped her small hand in his powerful, battle-scarred one, silent reassurance. Incredible how something that tough could also be so soft when the moment required it.
Her eyes met his one last time before they drifted down to the letter she was holding in her other hand.
"Trust me." He repeated, so quietly it was almost a whisper.
She took one final deep breath, steeling herself. Then she began to read.
And I was catching my breath
Floors of a cabin creaking under my step
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
This pain wouldn't be for
Evermore
Evermore
Evermore
Mika:
I am writing you this letter on the evening of investiture, but you won't read it for many days after that. I am writing it now because I fear I will not have the time or the strength to do it later. Right now, my head is as clear as it's going to be for a while. Not that that's saying much. I'm so scared, Mika. I've never been more scared in my life. Scared of what I've done. Terrified of what's coming next.
If you're reading this, you've just woken up from a coma. You're in a secret room in the bottom of the mountain. Nobody knows you're here except me.
I'm so, so sorry, babe.
The other Princes will have fallen by the time you read this. I poisoned all three of you to take the Stone of Blood and unite the clans by force. It's not a coincidence I chose that wine you hate for my investiture toast - I couldn't risk you taking the wrong poison. I needed you out of my way for a while, but I also needed you to wake up. Sparing you could very well undo my entire plan. But l will not be responsible for the murder of my daughter's father. She is not part of either clan, she didn't choose this.
And neither did I, Mika. I didn't have a choice. The Vampaneze Lord has been discovered. We're all just pawns in Desmond Tiny's sick endgame. If my plan works, the future of the clan will be secure. But I promise I will be answering to Paris and Arrow in the afterlife very shortly. I am not long for this world - the vampaneze hate a traitor even more than the vampires do. I won't get out alive, but you can.
By the time you read this, clan will have been informed you died and were cremated in a private ceremony with the others. I can't stop you from coming to find me once you wake up. I can only beg you to leave this place and never look back. I know leaving will go against everything you believe in, everything you stand for. But if you're reading this, if my plan succeeded, it means there's nothing left for you in Vampire Mountain. Trust me, nothing lasts forever.
I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. I was supposed to wake up to your stupid, cocky smile every day. I was supposed to walk Gracie down the aisle with you someday. Destiny had other plans for me, but I'm setting you free. It's the only thing I can do for you now. But if the vampaneze find out I lied to save you, everything will fall apart and it'll all have been for nothing. Both clans will collapse. And we can't guarantee Gracie's safety if that happens.
Leave this room, turn right, then left, then right again to get out of the mountain. Then find Gracie and get far away from here. I'm sorry you don't get to be Sire Ver Leth anymore. But you still get to be Gracie's dad. I'd give anything for that.
Mika Ver Leth, my entire heart and soul - I'm so sorry. My life won't be much longer but I'll love you for the rest of it. I never stopped. I never will. Take care of our daughter - love her enough to make up for this. And tell her I loved her too.
- Kurda
This pain wouldn't be for evermore
Evermore
Aaaand there it is. 12k words later! This chapter was exhausting. I don't know when I'll have chapter 21 finished - there's a lot I need to think about, plot wise. I don't want to rush or half-ass anything. This fucking story alone is almost 200k words (for reference, Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix has 250k). I've never done anything on this scale so I'd really hate to drop the ball at the finish line.
A comment would be really, really appreciated.
Thanks for reading! Stay safe :)
- Roxy