Requested by: aliesterus
Current Client: Rin Tohsaka, Sakura Matou, and Illya von Einzbern Part I
Irisviel: Illya! My dear little almond blossom, how is life treating you these days?
Illya: There's no time for that, Mother. Someone dear to us all is in grave danger as we speak.
Irisviel: Oh, goodness! Who is it?
Rin: It's that dummy Shirou!
Irisviel: Now what is he doing?
Rin: Nothing! He doesn't need to do anything! But the whole darn world's got it out for him, and we're sick and tired of rescuing him and psyching him and keeping him sane all the time!
Irisviel: And you want me to...?
Sakura: Please, Mrs. von Einzbern, isn't there some way to achieve peace between Shirou and the other Masters and Servants? Negotiate? Treaty? Anything?
Irisviel: But you're all at war. Peace isn't the point.
Illya: But they're making his life miserable!
Irisviel: Says the girl who set her insane, 700-pound Servant on him.
Illya: Mother!
Irisviel: Look, girls, I don't like to see the boy suffer anymore than you do. But if he's managed to survive numerous fatal wounds, brutal impalement, no-holds-barred beatdowns, the constant companionship of a tsundere, and enough trama for several lifetimes, then he is practically indestructible. Wait out the war, girls, and he'll get his break.
Rin: But it doesn't even make sense! Why should he be such a target!? It's not like he's a real threat or anything!
Sakura: But he is a rival Master.
Rin: Master or not, he's not exactly the most intelligent person in the universe. He's not even all that strong. Pretty blah-looking too. I mean, he's got NOTHING going for him.
Irisviel: Except Saber.
Rin: Good point.
Illya: So what do we do?
Irisviel: Haven't you been listening? Just win that stinkin' war already!