Requested by: Guest
Current Client: Jack the Ripper
Irisviel: I don't want to panic, but it looks like a ragged black cupcake just walked into my office.
Jack: Mommy!
Irisviel: I don't think I'm your mommy, sweetheart.
Jack: *starts crying* We just want our mommy...
Irisviel: *also crying* I'm sure we can find her... *blows nose* Wait, 'we'?
Jack: That mean neko-lady killed her!
Irisviel: *mopping tears off her desk* W-what? Neko-lady? Oh, surely not her. No one with such cute ears could be so cruel.
Jack: Cute... ears? Do we have cute ears?
Irisviel: I... guess?
Jack: But we want Mommy back! Can you get her for us?
Irisviel: I'm so, so sorry, but I can't bring people to life. I used to have Avalon somewhere, but even that isn't quite what we need.
Jack: But – but –
Jack: But we need Mommy! She's nice to us! She sings us lullabies and gives us pretty dresses and brings tasty hearts for us! She loves us!
Irisviel: Wait, what was that last one?
Jack: She loves us?
Irisviel: No, no, before that.
Jack: All we want is a mommy... we haunt the streets and no one sees us... we are fog and mist and deep, deep, underground, and Mommy won't take us back, so we cut her open and scream when she screams and then we try and go back to where it was warm and safe, but she still won't take us and she's turning cold, so we go and find Mommy somewhere else... somewhere... we're coming, Mommy...
Irisviel: And I am officially freaked out.
Jack: But you're here... will you be our Mommy?
Irisviel: *shrieks*
Irisviel: Sorry, I'm a little on edge. I don't think I can be your mommy. I probably won't last much longer, you see, and I already have children and I don't think they'd get along well with you. My husband would like you, though.
Jack: Husband... Daddy!?
Irisviel: Dang it, I shouldn't have mentioned him. No, no Daddy. I'm sure your mommy is someplace around here. People do not die when they are killed, apparently, and I have no doubts she is walking around here looking for you. Just keep looking!
Jack: Then... then we will keep looking for Mommy, and then we'll be happy again!
Irisviel: Yes! That's the spirit!
Jack: We like you! We have a present for you!
Irisviel: You do? Aww, how sweet.
Irisviel: This – this is a heart.
Jack: Mm-hmm! Fresh!
Irisviel: *sucks in huge breath to prepare for an ear-shattering scream*
Gilgamesh: *peers into the office* Oh, are we ripping out hearts today?