Requested by: Jubzy650
Current Client: Irisviel von Einzbern (Caster)
Irisviel:...
Irisviel: I am so disappointed in my non-reaction right now.
Caster: AHH! It's true! I am running a complaint-receiving service!
Irisviel: Listen to me; Iri to Iri, it's the biggest mistake of our lives. Don't ever do it. FLEE THE MADNESS.
Caster: But you're – I'm – helping so many people! I think it's wonderful!
Irisviel: *sobbing* I used to be so innocent...
Caster: So, you see, I have a complaint, but since I'm also running this service, can I get a discount?
Irisviel: Ah, I don't charge in the first place... Grail knows why...
Caster: Perfect! All right, right now I'm busy watching over my – our? – husband.
Irisviel: Still assassinating, is he?
Caster: Mm, yes. It's a very dangerous line of work, you know.
Irisviel: Yes, I know. I'm married to him.
Caster: So I am protecting him from afar, watching over him like a guardian angel... but I'm not an angel and I don't want to be. I just want to be his loving wife, but under the circumstances I don't know how close to him I can get. I feel as though I shouldn't show myself to him, but I'm getting so lonely.
Irisviel: Ah, wait, I just thought of something. Which Kiritsugu are we talking about?
Caster: Oh, there's more than one of him as well? Perfect! We each get one!
Irisviel: *gags*
Caster: As I am now a Heroic Spirit, so is he. We are both Servants.
Irisviel: Thank you. I have heard rumors of his becoming a Servant. *shudders* Anyway, go on.
Caster: Hmm? Oh, I think I've told you everything. I just want to know if it's all right for me to be with Kiritsugu without endangering him or the world.
Irisviel: You know, I've become convinced that absolutely everything anyone does has world-shaking consequences, so at this point I hardly think it matters who throws the world into jeopardy any longer. If it's not in jeopardy, it's going to be.
Caster: *tearing up* When did I become so cynical?
Irisviel: After interviewing forty-four hyperactive, suicidal, pyschopathic, and otherwise disturbed Masters, Servants, and demanding daughters. I don't even have time to make cookies any longer. I'll take being the Holy Grail's vessel any day over this, even at the risk of Angra Mainyu possessing me again.
Caster: Oh. My.
Irisviel: But to answer your question, I don't see why you can't be with Kiritsugu. Unless there's some reason why you would think he wants to be alone, you should be able to protect him just as well, if not better, by his side than from far off. Husbands and wives ought to stick together, after all.
Caster: Erm, yes, about that...
Irisviel: Now what?
Caster: I'm the Holy Grail... I think. I shouldn't be involving myself in the affairs of the world.
Irisviel: Screw the Holy Grail.
Caster: Uh, remember what happened the last time someone tried that?
Irisviel: If the Holy Grail didn't want to involve itself in the affairs of the world, then it wouldn't have taken on a living, breathing form. You've got a life to live, and if the Grail has a problem with that, then it should have stayed a cup.
Caster: Oh, you're right! You're so right! I can go and get Illya, too, and then we'll be one happy family again! Thank you for your help! Bye!
Irisviel:...
Irisviel: I can't shake the feeling that I just doomed the universe, blasé as that is.