Requested by: KnightSpark
Current Client: Celenike Icecolle Yggdmillennia
Irisviel: I hate her already.
Celenike: Oh my. What's this? That dress does not become you, homunculus. It's like a mongrel dog in velvet.
Gilgamesh: That's my line!
Irisviel: Get out of here! And would you people stop calling me 'homunculus'? I HAVE A NAME. It's posted over my door, for crying out loud!
Celenike: Who gives homunculi names?
Irisviel: If you've come to give me the same little spiel the other guy tried to pull on me, you can click your little high heels out that door again.
Celenike: Ugh, I hate the mouthy ones.
Irisviel: Try putting yours to better use.
Celenike: You're worse than my Servant, you know. Not that he is so disrespectful, but I was not expecting a knight of Charlemagne to be so utterly... oh, what's the word... stupid. And what's more, he knows perfectly well that he is stupid and he doesn't even bother to care. If only he would shut up once in a while and let me get my say in!
Irisviel: I feel your pain.
Celenike: *sigh* What am I to do with him?
Irisviel: Use a Command Seal and tell him to zip it.
Celenike: That's what that fool Gordes did with his Servant. I am not so spendthrift with my Command Seals.
Irisviel: Then try the ol' reward system. Give him a treat when he's quiet and withold it when he's noisy.
Celenike: He may be on the same level as a dog, but that doesn't mean he is one.
Irisviel: Right... well, why don't you send him to me and I'll talk to him.
Celenike: He's been to you already. Don't you have any memory at all?
Irisviel: Ah, he didn't say who his Master was. What's his name?
Celenike: He is Astolfo, one of Charlemagne's twelve knights and the most annoying creature I have ever had the displeasure of working with.
Irisviel: Oh, gosh, no, he's hopeless. There's nothing anyone can do about his blabbermouth.
Celenike: To tell the truth, that's not what I am here for.
Irisviel: It's not? Then why didn't you say so earlier?
Celenike: I don't want to know how to silence my Servant; I want to break him.
Irisviel:...
Irisviel: Ah, could you repeat that?
Celenike: You heard me. I want to see his soul utterly fractured and scattered beyond repair, to see him screaming at my feet, to step in the puddles of his blood and tears. Anyone can merely kill, but it takes a true master to make even a proud Servant truly, wholly, theirs. Wholly mine. That is my greatest love in life.
Irisviel: If I may be so bold, you don't seem like you need any help coming up with ideas on how to make that happen...
Celenike: Quite right. Never is my mind so nimble and brilliant than when I have a new pet to break. But he is surprisingly resiliant. Oh, the hours I've put in trying to wear him down. He looks as though you could snap him in two with your fingers, and yet after all that torture... oh, did you know!? He barely looked as though he was in pain! He was bored! BORED!
Irisviel: Please stop shrieking.
Celenike: I must find a way to break his last shards of hope and resolve. Never before have I failed so! Tell me, tell me, what can I do!
Irisviel: You can turn yourself around and march off to someone who actually sympathizes with you, you sicko.
Celenike: Oh, you will regret this insult, homunculus. I will be back for you. Count on it.
Irisviel: Yeah, yeah. I'll be in my underground bunker. Don't wait up.