Irisviel Answers Complaints

by 16-horses

The characters of the Fate saga certainly have to put up with a lot, but Irisviel von Einzbern has decided to receive the complaints of Masters and Servants alike and hopefully address their issues. Predictably, she has her work cut out for her. Reader participation is encouraged! Latest chapter: EMIYA Part II, featuring Mysterious Heroine X.

47. Caules Forvedge Yggdmillennia

Requested by: KnightSpark

Current Client: Caules Forvedge Yggdmillennia

Irisviel: Okay, I recognize him. He looks normal, nice, maybe a little moody, but not psychotic or traumatized or anything. I wonder if he ever went and married his Servant, though.

Caules: So, um, I've been here before, but I'm not sure where to start.

Irisviel: Start with your terrible childhood, then onto your daddy issues and wrap it up with a gripe about your Servant.

Caules:...

Irisviel: What? That's what people usually complain about.

Caules: Um, no. I have... sister issues.

Irisviel: Eh, that counts.

Caules: My sister has all the talent in the family, and while I'm not really jealous of her, there's just a lot of friction between us. She wants us to be friends, but I don't see how, not since I was only ever born to be her replacement as head of the family, and then our parents decided to go ahead and make her the head anyway.

Irisviel: Mage families. Am I right?

Caules: Uh, sure?

Irisviel: But don't let me interrupt you. Go on.

Caules: You just – whatever. It's not like I don't love her; I do, I really do. I just don't know what to do with her or myself.

Irisviel: Well, maybe you just need to spend more quality time with her.

Caules: I'm always with her. She's in a wheelchair, and I'm her caretaker.

Irisviel:...

Irisviel: Then a little less quality time. You two ought to develop your own hobbies and interests apart from each other so there's less opportunity for you to overwhelm each other with your presence.

Caules: Um, I like... anime?

Irisviel: Ha! Who doesn't?

Caules: Look, I just don't like the constant reminder that I can't even fulfill the one function for which I was born. Is that so unreasonable?

Irisviel: No.

Caules: A lot of help you are.

Irisviel: Why don't you just marry your Servant? You won't have time to think of your weird sister-brother relationship then.

Caules: I can't just marry my Servant! As soon as the Holy Grail War's over, she'll go poof!

Irisviel: More likely she'll go bang, or splat, or kablooie.

Caules: When did we start talking like four-year-olds?

Irisviel: You're the one who can't even play nice with his sister.

Caules: You're only nine!

Irisviel: How do you know that?

Caules: Bye.

Irisviel: No, wait! Come back! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?