Surprise! Bet y'all thought I was dead, didn't you? I've been... busy, to say the least, with traveling, moving, getting a job, etc. But now life is taking on some semblance of a normal routine again, and you know what that means.
Requested by: hyperomegasonic26
Current Client: Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald
Irisviel: Good lord, a normal human.
Kayneth: I cannot believe my life has come to this point.
Irisviel: And yet, here we are.
Kayneth: I've come about my Servant.
Irisviel: If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, I wouldn't need the Grail.
Kayneth: Do you mind? I'll take my business elsewhere if this is how you treat your clients. Do you know who I am?
Irisviel: Maybe. But if there's another complaints receiving service around here, I suggest you take it.
Kayneth: ...
Irisviel: I didn't think so.
Kayneth: I know I will regret this –
Irisviel: Already have.
Kayneth: – but I might as well. I am currently participating in the Fourth Holy Grail War –
Irisviel: Inasmuch as there is still such a thing as 'currently' in whatever timeline-forsaken suspended reality this is.
Kayneth: I must ask you to stop interrupting.
Irisviel: My apologies. Pray, proceed.
Kayneth: My Servant is Lancer-class, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne –
Irisviel: Ah, give me a moment. Let me check my Servant indexes. *rustles papers* Yes, here we go. Complained about his honor and trust always being broken, constant betrayals by his sworn lords...
Kayneth: Ahem.
Irisviel: So why don't we hear your side of the story, then?
Kayneth: By all appearances, he is perfectly submissive, but there is something unpleasant in his manner.
Irisviel: For Fubuki's sake, I'm a complaints receiver, not a vibe checker.
Kayneth: What is a... 'vibe'?
Irisviel: You wouldn't understand.
Kayneth: There is also the matter of my fiancé, who seems quite smitten by him.
Irisviel: Wait, your fiancé? You summoned Diarmuid Ua Duibhne of the Love Spot... when you had a fiancé?
Kayneth: Yes. What business is it of yours?
Irisviel: Well, for flip's sake, you can't complain about your fiancé falling for a guy with a literal love curse. Didn't you take that into account when you summoned him?
Kayneth: If you must know, he was not my first choice. My original artifact was stolen, and I had no choice but to make a last-minute decision of another Servant.
Irisviel: Somewhat understandable, but really. Millions to pick from, and your 'last-minute decision' happens to be the Irish beefcake.
Kayneth: What?
Irisviel: Never mind. You're better off not knowing.
Kayneth: Your services were a disappointment, to say the least. I certainly won't be recommending you to any acquaintances.
Irisviel: Please don't, by all means. Enough weirdos make their way here as it is.