Summary: Someone decided that Harry had spent enough of time brooding over Black's escapade. Harry needed to learn that he needn't go through life's trials alone.
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3. A Prank for the Depressed
It had all happened when they had gathered in the Great Hall for dinner. All awaiting the arrival of food after a long tiring day, but there was none. It seemed as though the staff members were half inclined to head to the kitchens to find out what the matter was, when, a sudden scream from a first year Ravenclaw stalled things.
When everyone turned to catch a glimpse of the reason that caused the little girl upset, they were more than surprised... Every bit of crockery on the Ravenclaw table suddenly seemed to have developed a fit of twitching.
"Are the spells wearing off?" Seamus asked.
"Oh no!" Ron cried in dispair. "That's the worse thing that could happen!"
Hermione who was sitting by his side but across Harry rolled her eyes, "Is food the only thing that matters to you?"
"Why shouldn't it?" Ron replied. "Nothing can survive without food. You can't get any studies done without food!"
"Well, I can." she sniffed delicately. "And I think it's high time you learn to cook, Ron! You shouldn't be used to being served like this!"
"Can you believe her?" he asked Harry incredulously.
Hermione scoffed and turned to look at the Ravenclaw table and gasped.
"They're alive!"
Harry had to turn his back to his table to see what was happening at the other tables...And it was a sight to behold. It would have been a wonder if none of the Claws had jumped from their seats in fright.
The spoons seemed to be struggling to sit up, the forks were doing various kinds of excercises, push-ups included and the knives were unsuccessfully attempting to somersault. The plates, however looked stationary, but second a closer look, Harry noted that they were actually spinning around at a rather high speed, and so were the goblets, the salt shakers and the peppermills.
A knife ended lopsidedly on a fork's middle, causing the 'metal' artifact to curl up in pain.
"Watch it, you insipid blade!"
"It's not my fault! I just can't balance right!" it snapped, now landing hard on the table, upside down, it's top piercing the table who screeched shrilly.
Turning to the staff table, Harry realised that Dumbledore was more amused than alarmed unlike the other Professors. So Harry just relaxed back in his seat and watched.
"Help, I'm stuck!" yelled the knive.
"Why does it always have to be you, Toby?" sighed a spinning plate. Together with a nearby peppermill, they got him unstuck. Toby the knife decided against acrobatics after that.
This bickering went on for a while, and once the crocks were certain that they had everyone's attention, they all jumped to their, er, feet? Well, they stood up straight, all of them, the plates, the goblets, the spoons, the forks, the knives the shakers and the mills. And then, they bowed! A majority of the Ravenclaws stumbled away into their neighbouring tables and stayed there.
There was an "Ahem" that seemed to come from a motionless napkin towards the end of the table, much to everyone's astonishment. Following this, came forth a performance the occupants of the Great Hall would never forget.
Yes, the crockery began to sing! In very tinkly but melodious voices, their...knees?... bending and straightening, alternatively, in tune with some imaginary music. It was as though they were actually shaped pieces of gold and silver coloured rubber! But boy, did they sing...
It started with a drumbeat. The knives jumped and landed with a thud. Immediately, the spoons' thud followed and then the forks. The same pattern was repeated by the plates, the shakers and the mills, but a little faster. Like a March...Thud, thud, thud, thid-thud-thud! Thud, thud, thud, thid-thud-thud...
Then each article type sang to the beat, in turns:
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Spoons: We'll be speaking pure Russian when he comes.
Chorus: When Black comes
Forks: We'll be prickin' Malfoy's rear when he comes
Chorus: When Black comes
Plates: We'll be winnowed by his whiskers
Knives: We'll be sharpened with his dentures
Goblets: We'll be all goin' crazy when he comes
Chorus: When Black comes
.
Harry's eyes widened. This was one of the few muggle tunes he was familiar with. And there was only one person he'd sung the authentic songs too, when he was eleven. Sure the culprit could have been any of the other muggleborn students, but these songs were old and outdated, and Harry was certain the other muggleborn or muggleraised students wouldn't have chosen these particular songs if they wanted to show off.
"This is bad." a misty voice then came from the centre of the Hufflepuff table. "Very very bad!"
"Oh! It's terrible!" cried another voice. "Outright evil!"
And as everyone turned to see the eating apparatus scampering (or rather hopping as fast as they could) around the earlier mentioned table, Harry turned around to give the most obvious culprit a questioning look. The culprit had on a very shocked expression, making Harry doubt whether he had deduced correctly.
"I don't want to be sharpened with Black's teeth!" one of the knives moaned pathetically.
"Who wants to?" another knife, sitting in front of Ernie snapped haughtily.
"He won't harm us." said a very pompous fork."Not if we can help it!"
"Are you sure?" a goblet asked.
"Sure I'm sure." the fork griped. "All we have to do is get rid of the main cause that's attracting him here in the first place!"
And from the Hufflepuff table came the following song beautifully a cappella.
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Forks: He's come from Azkaban, with infection in his knee
Spoons: Stompin' up to Hogwarts, the last Potter, for to see.
Knives: It rained all night the day he left, and we thought, away he'd shy
Plates: Oh, but big bad old Sirius Black, just wouldn't lay down and die.
Chorus: Oh, surely not, impossible totally!
Goblets: Black's sure to come to Hogwarts, the last Potter, for to see!
Chorus: Yes, listen, Potter, your doomed totally!
Goblets: The man's comin' to Hogwarts, run Potter, take Snape and flee!
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Now, a few bold students began to laugh, albeit nervously.
"No way!" said the crockery of the Gryffindor table and Harry found them all standing tall and indignant. "oh, no no! Absolutely not!"
The assumed culprit, who happen to be sitting by Harry's side, now had an incredulous look on his face. In the background, Harry caught sight of McGonagall and Snape dearly wanting to put an end to the tumult, but by the death looks they gave the oblivious headmaster, it seemed as though Dumbledore stopped them.
"Oh the shame!" said a spoon faintly."Oh, oh, no! Definitely not!"
"That hurt!"a fork accused.
"You can't use Harry as a means of getting rid of Snape!" a plate shrieked.
"Pssst!" said a nearby spoon. "What are you doing! You don't have to feel the brats' jaws clamp down hard over your head! You don't have to worry that your head might just be ripped off!"
"Oh, that's what you're afraid off?" another plate challenged. "I'd like to see you being almost sliced and stabbed into by those morons!"
"Hey!" exclaimed the forks.
"It's not as though we do it on purpose!" a knife retorted.
"You love to spend time on the sharpner!" the plate accused. "That's your fault!"
"But the force isn't!" another knive yelled from the end of the table.
"Yes," the plate, that had counted the shrieking plate, said sagely. "The force is triggered in Snape's classes. So you have no reason to go against my prior statement. The big bat must accompany Harry whilst he scrams!"
Snape glowered accusingly at Harry, then directed his hateful glare at Lupin, who happened to be sitting between him and McGonagall, who also, was glaring at Lupin. Poor Lupin was shaking his head vigorously.
"It wasn't me!" he insisted. "I swear on everything I own, it wasn't me!"
Harry rolled his eyes and gave the assumed culprit a stern look. He couldn't believe that he, the culprit, after almost two years had remembered the tunes of the songs! Harry used to sing them to him when he wouldn't fall asleep and was too afraid to stay awake in the dark.
The Gryffindor crockery, finally finished with their squabbles, began to sing just as beautifully as the crockery on the other tables:
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Goblets: He slipped through those bars and then swam 'cross the sea
Chorus! But, way hey, we'll blow the man down
Forks: We'll prick 'im
Knives: And cut him
Plates: And smash his noggin
Chorus: Just give us some time to blow the man down
Fred and George whistled loudly and conjured a pan and a wooden spoon and jumped off the table, marching whilst hitting the pan with the spoon.
Knives: We'll set him on fire and dunk him in goo
Chorus: Harry, no worries, we'll blow the man down
Goblets: So Blacky, you listen you big chompy poo,
Chorus: For our seeker's sake, we will blow you down
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Once everything quietened, Ravenclaw's surly forks said, "Were still getting Malfoy right?"
"Of course! Of course!" said the Gryffindor napkins, unfolding themselves to make a generous gesture. "He's all yours! You can take his left butt too!"
Laughter erupted from all around and Harry face palmed. Luckily for him, all the attention was on the miniature comedians.
He turned to glare at the culprit. An amazed expression flitted through his boy's face, but he turned his gaze to Harry, his face comically filled with awe, but his right eye closed slowly and gave Harry a wink and then turned back to watch the peppermill in front of him desperately trying to free two forks that seemed to be quarreling over whose voice was the most squeaky, his expression of amazement, never changing.
A loud snort followed by a deep voiced, "Imbeciles" brought the Hall to silence. Now, everyone, even Harry (who was now quite certain of the culprit) was watching the crockery of the Slytherin table expectantly. One of the plates then grabbed a spoon and tried running away. Before it could run off the table, however, Marcus Flint caught the plate and the spoon and placed them back on the table.
The plate huffed at Flint and growled, "Weren't my actions understood by you, you dunderhead? Or does everything have to be spelt out to you? All I wanted was to run away with the spoon! Couldn't you pick on the others?"
It seemed as though when they weren't singing, the crocks could do nothing but make a scene. And as logical as Flint's actions were, it was funny watching him being berated by a Snape impersonating metal piece.
By now all the students were seated back on their respective tables, finally deciding that this was something worth enjoying and there was nothing that could actually harm them.
Malfoy did look very uneasy though. Every now and then he would glance at the exit if the Great Hall.
Serves his right after all he'd done to Hagrid and Buckbeak, Harry thought viciously.
The sound of the mooing of a cow brought his attention back to the Slytherin table. All the crocks on all the tables were now swaying slightly. Only the Slytherin crockery stood still while they sang the worst version of Yankee Doodle Harry had ever heard:
Forks: You Claws Puffs and Griffs, all went to town,
Goblets: Turning Black from Potty
Salt shakers: Listen ye deluded clowns
Knives: Potter ain't his terr'tory
Spoons: And Black does know that, doodle doo,
Plates: So useless but dandy
Peppermills: Is your lore, and faith and chivalry
Chorus: For Potter's fate lies with Voldy.
Revenclaw's forks shrugged and declared, "Whatever, we're still prickin' Malfoy, then he'll really have something to run to Daddy about!"
A cheer rang from around the hall and a few students stood up and whistle. Malfoy flushed, stood up and made a move to rush out of the Hall, but a couple of his housemates held him down whispering frantically in his ear. He glowered at them but stayed put.
Then all the cuttlery simply jumped off the table and began hopping out of the Great Hall in two straight files, chanting the following over and over again until the last of them had gone.
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A-hunting we shall go!
A-hunting we shall go!
We'll catch that evil fox
And put him in a box
And never let him go!
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A-hunting we shall go!
A-hunting we shall go!
We'll search him day and night
In darkness and daylight
And capture Black with pride!
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Once the last of the forks and knives and spoons all disappeared around the corner, the plates decided to follow, only to crash and break into several pieces at the students feet.
A loud round of applause and cheers erupted throughout the Great Hall, but no one except Harry heard Neville Longbottom tsk disappointedly at the plates.
"This wasn't quite supposed to happen." he said quietly.
"What?" Harry asked drily, "The plates jumping off the table, or the plates crashing to bits?"
"Jumping off." Neville said. "Really thought my spell excluded them."
Harry grinned at him and said, "Really appreciated it, Nev. I feel much better."
"I'm glad." Neville said. "Well, I'm not allowed to go to Hogsmead for the remaining assigned weekends. And I know that you aren't going as well. What do you say we put forth another prank while the rest are gone?"
"Sure. Sounds like fun."
"It is fun. If only Gran knew, she'd be having a fit!"
"Who would have believed that Neville Longbottom behaves stupid just to spite her?"
Neville smiled wickedly.
"No one."
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"The thing is, it helps when people stand up to them, it gives everyone hope. I used to notice that when you did it, Harry." - Neville Longbottom