Episode 2

~Welcome To The Black Parade You Moron~

Sometime after I finished the can of Max Coffee (energy drink), something my body forced me to do (shit, Max is worst than nicotine-chan)… I was standing outside the front door of an all too familiar two-story house. It was the house of the Hikigaya family: that is to say my new home.

The reason I'm standing here like a suspicious creeper is because that's exactly what I am.

I'm just a stranger here.

A stranger to the person who is waiting for her onii-chan on the other side of that door. Waiting for an onii-chan who'll never show up. All she'll come to greet is a pretender, a fake just like the rest of this fucking anime world. What's worse is that she will know… She was the person closest to Hikigaya Hachiman after all. Hikigaya Komachi, the person who I am to call little sister, she will know. How can I face her Haruhi Suzumiya-sama? What can say to her when she will know I'm not her real onii-chan?

…

Achievement unlocked: Clinging To One's God

…

Fuck my life… make it stop.

…

'Do or do not, there is no try…' Yeah thanks Kyon.

I unlock the door and step inside.

"Welcome home onii-chan~!"

I stand there frozen at the entrance as Komachi comes down the hall to greet me, her ahoge bobbing as she walks.

Looking at her I can only say she's the cutest in the world.

"Ah-yeah, I'm home K-Komachi." The non-expression on my face is becoming so permanent that I may as well take Poker Face off the hundred and eight skills. I really need to look into those…

Komachi cocked her head slightly in confusion then begins to frown.

"Are you ok onii-chan?" Her tone now lacked its usual liveliness.

I could lie to her, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Komachi's sharp instinct would catch me anyway. Also, the thought that I may become something like Haruno is fucking terrifying.

"No. Your onii-chan just had a very bad day, the worst probably… I don't think your onii-chan will ever be the same. However, even if your onii-chan has changed you'll always remain the cutest in the world."

I reach out my hand, hesitating for just a moment before patting her on the head.

That moment was all it took. The force was with her.

"O-onii-chan…" Her voice was unbearably sad.

I didn't need the force to tell me that this would be the last time she'd ever call me onii-chan… Hikigaya Komachi knew that we were strangers. Her instinct is as sharp as ever. I'm sure Hachiman would be happy that his sister found out that I wasn't him in less than a minute, siscon idiot that he was.

Just how many more must I bring to fucking Malachor?

"I'm just going to wash up before dinner. We can talk about what happened if you want to, at anytime… I don't think I'll be able to explain it very well or if I even should, but out everyone in this world, you deserve to know what happened to your onii-chan. Just know that I will always be there for you Komachi-chan."

My voice was flat, formal, and I'd like to think a bit warm.

"…Ok onii-san."

Seeing myself for the first time was a very surreal experience. How often do you look into a mirror only to see a live-action version of an anime character staring right back at you… without cosplaying? I could have sworn my ahoge bobbed at me as if to say 'hello there'.

Our dinner was a quiet affair, Komachi didn't mind the silence at all and I welcomed it. Silence was a very common thing in the Hikigaya household and it saved the dinner from becoming anything near awkward. The look on Komachi's face was heartbreaking when I told her that I would do the dishes though.

After taking care of the kitchen and giving Komachi some space, I moved to the living room to watch an episode of Pretty Cure with a cup of real coffee that I fucked up by adding sugar. The habits of humans are truly a scary thing.

It's now midnight and I'm sitting in the dark on my bed, listening to The Black Parade from my smartphone headphones while hugging my knees to my chest. The meaning I get from this MY Chemical Romance album is on a completely different level given my current situation.

I just finished doing a few hours of research on this world because of my fucking paranoia that I might be in some crossover fan-fiction. Aside from me, everything seems to be coming up canon, though I was a little disappointed that I couldn't find North High or the droids I'm looking for. It seems barring a run-in with Truck-kun, it looks like my chances of getting isekai'd (again) are null… probably.

That isn't to say I didn't find things that were more than a little disquieting about this fucking anime world versus that of my old home Earth Prime. Not something I want to think about right now. At least there are some good things about this fucking anime world like: Totsuka, the fact that Jar Jar Abrams, She Who Killed Star Wars, and The Mouse don't exist. However, Mama Susan still rules YouTube with her iron fist.

I start to notice a dim light enter my room, I turn my head to look and see… OH HARUHI! It's a fucking ghost! Wait, it's not blue there for NOT a ghost. It's a woman in a black business suit with her hair up in a ponytail. Is it you? The nice, desperate, office onee-san of my dreams?! Will she hug me, will I get *gulp* the legendary Lap Pillow?! How did she get in here? Did I finally lose my fucking mind? Am I going to have sexy time with this onee-san that looks an awful lot like Komachi?

…

…

Achievement unlocked: Momcon

Oh SHIT, it's my Mother! 'NOoooooooo!' HARUHI WHY?! SHE WAS PERFECT! I AM NOT A MOMCON!

…Of course 'Mama' was playing when Hikigaya Rin enters my room. The fact she came in on 'She said you ain't no son mine~' is too unnerving to be a coincidence… I really fucking HATE this fucking anime world! I hit pause on my smartphone and take the headphones out of my ears. I stare up at her from my bed. She returns my stare…

"…"

"…"

"Hat-chan… are you alright?" Her voice was cold and flat yet I somehow felt warm from it… probably.

Ah, shit… this is really bad. This droid of a woman whose spoken sentences (outside of work and her catchphrase: Is that so…) can be counted on two hands since the start of this year, The Silence of the Hikigaya household just asked me a question. She's really worried about me.

'Stop asking me questions~, I'd hate to see you cry~. Mama we're all gonna die~.' Oi, focus you idiot.

"Just had a bad day that's all, it's a little hard for me to cope with what happened. It's even harder for me to talk about it. But I AM coping with it… it will just take time. Please try not to worry oka-san." My voice was the same as my mother's.

…

"Is that so…"

Hikigaya Rin walks into my room and sits on the bed right next to me. She then wraps her arms around my curled-up form. I know I wanted a hug from an office onee-san, but did she have to be my mother? When she was satisfied that I knew that she loved me, she let go and patted me on the head. The pat from her somehow conveyed: 'Cheer up Hat-chan, you'll make it through this, I'm here for you and please try to get some sleep.' And then just as silently as she entered she left closing the door on her way out. That pat on the head almost made me fucking cry.

I put the headphones back into my ears and skip to the next track.

["And through it all, how could you cry for me~? 'Cause I don't feel bad about it~ So shut your eyes~ Kiss me, goodbye~ And sleep~ Just sleep~ The hardest part~ Is letting go of your dreams~…"]

…

["Just sleep~"]

["Just sleep~"]

I couldn't sleep…

It was in the morning that three surprised members Hikigaya household woke up to find breakfast ready on their dining room table.

As we set out for school I offered Komachi a ride to which she refused. I didn't blame her now that we're strangers. When I told her not to talk to strange boys she gave me a smile that made me feel that today may not suck so fucking hard and said: 'Ack, that was a terrible joke onii-san~!'

I find the classes at Sobu High to be tedious, my are classmates loud and obnoxious, add to that my unbearable clubmate (well soon-to-be clubmates), and you get the perfect trifucka.

I was so bored that I reorganized the hundred and eight skills, most of which were trash with no points in them. That's right Hikigaya Hachiman made an unnecessary system with skill points for his hundred and eight skills. What's even more surprising is that Stealth-Hiki doesn't have the most points! The skill with the most points is Hiki-Dancer! Just how much did you want to dance Hachiman!

The classes are so tedious that I wish math-chan and English-kun didn't come with me from Earth Prime. But fuck science, I was so bad at it that I think I really did blow up my lab station in college.

The only saving grace was Hiratsuka sensei's modern lit.

It's now lunchtime and I'm standing in front of the sports drink vending machine next to my inherited loner spot. I'm glaring at said vending machine like it's my mortal enemy as I move my hand as close as I can to a button that isn't the Max. 'Almost there, stay on target'… My hand jumps out of my control and pushes the button for Max Coffee (energy drink)…

Ah, you motherfucker!

I move to my loner spot and down the terrible energy drink as fast as I can just to not taste it that much sooner. Haruhi please let Kawasomething be a smoker I really could use a cigarette right now. So… how to get to the roof… let's see it was season three I think… central stairs… broken lock… love ya' Kawasaki… yeah got it. I just hope I don't get a panty shot of a sixteen-year-old girl upon meeting her. Nothing would make me feel more gross than seeing your black lace Kawasomething. Does Shizuka wear black lace? That would be so fucking hot.

Shaking my head I make my way straight to the school roof. The wide, blue sky and the endless horizon awaited me past the door. The sky was so expansive and sunny as if telling me that I would someday have freedom in this confining world. All of which I Ignored. The only thing that mattered to me was the faint trace of tobacco in the air. I turn around and looked up.

Her long, pale blue hair fell all the way down her back; her ribbon was untied, revealing the curve of her chest; the unnecessary parts of her shirt cuffs were loosened up; her long, sharp legs looked made for kicking. But what made an impression on me were her ambitionless eyes, which gazed vacantly into the distance. The bags under her eyes really contributed to that washed‐out look. She should be a model.

There was Kawasomething leaning against the water tower, peering down at me with a cigarette in her mouth. Thank you, Haruhi!

"Hello there~." Ok, kind of creepy since my face had no expression on it when I said that.

Oh, it seems I startled her.

"Whoa, clam down Kawasomething don't waste your cigarette."

She glared at me for a moment then said in a slightly husky and vaguely languid voice.

"What do you want?"

"I'm Hikigaya Hachiman - Grade 11, Class F-…"

"Where in the same class you moron and my name isn't—"

"—Right, anyway Kawasomething-san I'm here for a transaction. That is to say, I'd like to buy a cigarette from you for the cost of a drink."

She glares at me again and then makes a sigh laced with cigarette smoke.

"Okay fine, hang on a sec."

Nice Kawasomething is one who follows smoker etiquette.

"Thanks, don't come down I'll come up to you. Just, it's a little windy up here, so you should keep a hand on your skirt. I only need one violent woman in my life after all."

"You really are a moron huh."

I climb the ladder of the water tower access and complete my transaction with Kawasomething.

The view was great from up here. I guess what they say about delinquents, idiots, and high places is true. I slav squat next to Kawasomething and light up while Ignoring her stare. It's only 2011, I miss hardbrass… Cheeki Breeki… Comfort me nicotine-chan. I'm slav squatting on top of the roof of a Japanese high school having a cigarette next to a pretty high school girl. It's said that it is the little things in life that make you happy… She's sixteen, no matter how cool she is, Kawasomething is only fucking sixteen! I'm not happy at all!

I let out long exhalation and ask something that's been bugging me.

"Hey not to be rude, but I've got to ask: Is that your real hair color?"

She arched an eyebrow at that.

"Why wouldn't it be you dumbass." Her voice laughs scornfully.

Of course, fucking anime world.

"Just felt surreal to me for some reason… don't mind, Kawasomething."

Taking the final drag from my cigarette I asked something truly important.

"So where did you get your cigarettes anyways?"

She rolled her eyes.

"From a vending machine where else? Aren't you supposed to be smart?"

Achievement unlocked: You're A Moron

I really am a dumbass huh.

"I know right… Well, let's hang out again, see ya later Kawasomething."

"Later moron."

Exiting the roof found I still had half my lunchtime remaining so decided to go to a place that was strong with the dark side of the force. Upon entering the unused music room I checked the time and saw I had a little more than ten minutes before the warning bell.

Through the corridors of the special building, Yukitoki could be heard for the first time in this world… Followed by the X-Files theme just to troll Yukinoshita who was sure to be in the clubroom.

As I was exiting the classroom after homeroom had finished, I spotted Hiratsuka sensei lying in wait for me. She was like a prison guard, standing completely motionless with her arms folded. In fact, if she had come dressed in military uniform and been given an E-11 Blaster Rifle, it would probably suit her a little too much. Well since school is pretty much like a detention center, that wouldn't be too much of a stretch of the imagination.

"Hikigaya. It's time for club activities."

As soon as she said that, I could suddenly feel my blood run cold. Crap. I'm going to be arrested. I don't mind getting escorted by this beautiful but violent woman to the clubroom. It's just that I seriously wanted to spend as much time as I could with nicotine-chan today. I still need to head home, change and find a convenient vending machine.

I don't want to hang out with Yukinoshita and her cold venomous words. They're really just abusive and not cute at all. Would you call that being a tsundere? Oh, wait, that just describes a plain old bitch. Yuigahama Yui is going to show up today as well and things will get super fucking annoying.

But despite that, Hiratsuka sensei didn't give me an ounce of consideration and wore a smile of indifference.

"Let's go." Hiratsuka sensei said and attempted to grab my arm. I evaded her. Without hesitating, she reached out her hand again. I barely dodged her again.

"I've got some things to take care of right now, unlike you I don't have that much free time. You're supposed to encourage and respect students' independence… I object to the way I am being forced to do this."

"Unfortunately, schools are institutions that are designed to train students to become well-integrated citizens of society. Once you go out into society nobody is going to care about your opinion. So you'd better start getting used to being forced to do things." As soon as sensei had said that, her fist came flying at me.

"Help! I need an adult!" The students' in the halls ignored me… though I think heard Kawasomething call me a moron again but that must have been my imagination.

She didn't give me a regular punch but a full-blown body blow with her clenched fist drilling into me like a screw. It was so powerful I couldn't breathe. Then without missing a second, she stopped trying to kill me and gripped my hand instead.

Soft, warm, real, if I weren't too busy dying I would be enjoying the feelings I get from holding Shizuka's hand.

"I am an adult Hikigaya." She flashed a brilliant smile at me.

"Could have fooled me." I wheezed.

"You know what'll happen if you try and bail again, right? Don't try and provoke my fist."

"You really are dead set on using your fist huh. If you get yourself fired over me, as I said yesterday I'll take responsibility for my actions intentionally or otherwise."

There's no way the pain could get any worse. I was so focused on the pain that I missed the flustered expression on her face.

As we were walking, Hiratsuka sensei opened her mouth as though she'd remembered something.

"Oh, that's right! If you try to escape again you will lose the match with Yukinoshita by default. No buts allowed. In addition, you will be penalized. It'd be best not to expect that you will be able to graduate in your final year."

Will you even be here for my final year? The thought caused me even more pain than the punch.

There was definitely no way I was getting out of this anytime soon. My mentally was so fucked up that it didn't even matter. As the sound of her heels click-clacking on the floor resounded, Shizuka walked beside me. She gripped my arm like we were a couple on a date. Really just how dense is she? I hope she cringes before she goes to bed at night. Wait, is SHE the protagonist of this fucking anime world? Well not that I mind because the end of my elbow is touching Shizuka's breast. Her rack really is amazing! It's just we're getting a lot of annoying and unwelcome stares. Much to my regret this really needs to stop.

"Um, I'm not going to run away or anything so I'll be okay going by myself. I mean you know I'm always alone. I'm totally fine by myself. Or rather, I feel like you really will get fired if you go on like this."

"Don't say such sad things. I want us to be together." Shizuka gave a soft sigh and smiled gently. It was totally different from the usual narrowed eyes she looks at me with. The difference startled me. Oh, shit I'm really falling for her.

"Letting you escape would be enough to make me grind my teeth. So even if I don't want to, I'll have to drag you there to ease my mental stress."

Give me back my feelings you awful woman!

"That's the worst excuse ever! You're just lonely aren't you?!"

Oi, don't hit me my HP is low.

"How should I put it? Even though I'm absolutely fed up with all this, I'm still accompanying you there for the sake of straightening you out. This is what you would call a beautiful bond of love between a teacher and her student."

Did she really just say THAT, here, now, while we're like this?!

Oh, Haruhi this woman is an idiot! Who brings up the love between a teacher and her student inside a fucking school?! Falling for her? I am really starting to really worry about her! No wonder she was 'transferred' she's already well on her way to getting herself fucking fired. I need to give her a reality check so she doesn't say such things so recklessly.

I bring us to a full stop as we enter the empty breezeway and turn my head to face hers. Shizuka cocked her head slightly in confusion as she narrowed her eyes at mine.

"Hey, why'd you—"

"—Were things SO bad that you would bring up LOVE between a teacher and a student inside a school, and in front of ME, a male student who you know is into older women no less? Are you that desperate?" My voice was like my mother's.

Shizuka's lovely grey eyes widened in shock and her lips are twitching.

"I know there are a lot of ways I could have taken what you just said… But since you have said such words so recklessly, I'll take them very seriously."

I pause with Thought Acceleration running full speed. This just came out of fucking nowhere. Did something like this happen in volume one? I'm relying on the anime because the light novels take too much time for my mind to process not to mention Hachiman's old memories. I consider my next words very carefully as they could cause a very massive divergence in things moving forward and because Hiratsuka Shizuka is important to me. She's the 'best girl' after all.

"I can't be in a romantic relationship with you…"

A look of surprise and slight hurt enters her eyes.

"Hell, I don't think I can be in a romantic relationship with anyone for that matter. A romantic relationship between US would not only be criminal but you would bear all the risk and that is something I would never allow."

The understanding soft gaze I'm receiving from her is annoying.

"Even so…"

Confusion crossed her face.

"…because we share what you called a 'beautiful bond of love' between us, and you said that you 'want us to be together' even though clearly a romantic relationship is impossible…"

She winced.

"We could always get married."

Shizuka looked genuinely surprised.

"G-get mar— H-Hikigaya you… r-repeat what you just SAID TO ME!"

"Yes, I said: We could always get married." I spoke with a straight face for the second time.

She just stared at me mouth agape.

"I don't know if we can get married right away, because I haven't checked the law. But at the very latest we could get married in the summer break of next year. Oh, just to be clear I would be happy to marry you. So Shizuka-san when would you like to meet my parents? Or did all your words not really mean anything and you were just playing with my feelings? You'll still accompany me, right? It seems you would really hate letting me escape…"

Shizuka's face was flushed pink right up to her ears. She's so damn cute right now that it transcends Totsuka and enters a realm of Komachi. Her mouth was opening and closing but no words were coming out, I think she's broken.

That we're standing in the breezeway arm in arm with our heads turned to each other like a couple about to share a kiss was not lost on me.

"You don't have to answer me right now Shizuka-san but think about what I said very carefully."

She could only nod at me. Meek Shizuka is so fucking cute!

"Now before you said something so irresponsible, I was enjoying our little school date to the Service Club…" I make a point of looking us up and down.

Shizuka's face goes from pink to red as she fucking finally realizes what we look like. I roll my eyes and take the lead so that I'm now the one escorting her… I guess she activated my trap card. The only thing on my mind at that moment is that my elbow is still touching Shizuka's breast. Her rack really is amazing!

Once we reached the special building, Shizuka finally released my arm. Maybe she had finally regained enough of her composure to stop worrying about all the things I said. Knowing her she will probably try to run away from it. When she does I'll be sure to needle her about it until I get bored, get married, or get Haruno'd. Nevertheless, she kept glancing in my direction as she left me there. I was sure to express my sentiment 'that I enjoyed our time together' with her.

Shizuka walked off in a daze, the tail of her lab coat flapping in the wind. Where'd that wind come from anyway… fucking anime world.

That I heard a quiet 'maybe I should just marry him' must have been my imagination.

I smiled wryly at that as I walked down the hallway.

There was dead silence at one end of the special building and the air was chilly.

There should have been other clubs going on but I hadn't heard any noises that indicated it as such, yet. I didn't know if it was because this was the special building or if it was because of her. A result of the strange aura Yukinoshita Yukino was emitting.

I put my hand on the door to open it. Honestly, I'm trying not to think about all the ridiculous things I just said to Shizuka.

As I opened the clubroom door, I saw Yukinoshita sitting there reading a book in the exact same position as yesterday.

"Hello there~." My greeting sounded depressed.

The glare I received from Yukinoshita was so cold, that it was like I took a cat away from her. Trolling her with the X-Files theme must have really pissed her off.

"Good afternoon Hikiphantom-kun." There was ice in her voice.

"Ah, my first nickname, I'm truly touched, I'm so looking forward to all the colorful ones you will be generating." I walk into the room and roll a long table next to Yukinoshita as I continue speaking. "It's really so nice to see your fall Yukisithta. I welcome you to the dark side, we will have cookies. I have foreseen it." It's just too bad that those cookies are made by Yuigahama, I thought as I put her chair close to Yukinoshita whose eyeing me with suspicion. "Don't mind me just setting the stage…" I move to grab my own chair.

"I'm surprised that you would show up. I was sure that you were going to ghost club activities. Are you a stalker Creepygaya-kun?"

"Wrong. Hey, why are you assuming that I've got a thing for you?"

"You don't?"

This bitch is fucking with me. She nonchalantly cocked her head in puzzlement and made a confused face! It was a little cute which made me sick, but I'm not buying any of it!

"As if! Your overconfidence is your weakness." I have no friends, therefore, no weaknesses.

"Your lack of friends is yours; I was convinced that you liked me." Yukinoshita said without being particularly surprised. Rather, she wore her usual, unchanging cold expression.

"Stop fucking around Yukinoshita, you heard what I said yesterday. The only reason I'm here today is because Shizuka caught me." Yukinoshita arched an eyebrow at me like I was a moron.

For the love of Haruhi Hachiman! Why is your fucking filter as corrupted as your eyes?! You may as well just tell her that you just proposed to your teacher!

Oh shit! I DID just propose to my fucking teacher!

I fall into my chair and slam my head onto the table.

You were supposed to give her a reality check not join her! Consider my next words very carefully my ass! I would be happy to marry you. When would you like to meet my parents? Did all your words not really mean anything and you were just playing with my feelings? You'll still accompany me, right? It seems you would really hate letting me escape! I just twisted her words like a fucking dick. Who truly is the fucking idiot that's reckless and irresponsible with their words!

'Ironic.' Oh, fuck off old man!

I'll be sure to needle her about it will I? You're an idiot, aren't you?! Idiooot! Idiooot! Uaaaah! I want to die! I really want to dieeeee! I don't want to go to school tomorroooow! Get Haruno'd Hachi!

…What's done is done. When Shizuka rejects me (Oi she's rejecting me?) the only thing to do is: 'To carry on, we'll carry on~'

"And though you're dead and gone, believe me~ Your memory will carry on~"

"Could you not sing in here? It's gross. And I find it vexing that your English is that good for some reason."

I lift my head from the table and give a sigh.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I'll try not to."

She returned to the book she was reading. I'm so bored right now I should have brought a book. Wait for me nicotine-chan.

Looking around the room to see if there's anything of interest my eyes land on the blackboard. Well if I'm forced to be here anyway I may as well have fun with it.

I get up from my chair and walk to the blackboard. Finding some chalk I write: 'Making Frens' in English. Wait I have a smartphone! I'm such a moron.

"You've misspelled that."

"It's just a meme Yukinoshita, it means friends. You know friends something we both don't have."

"…Well first explain where the definition of a friend begins and ends."

"That's a line somebody with no friends would say."

Fuck my life, I triggered it!

"I never said I didn't have any friends. Although, even if I didn't have friends it's not as though that would be disadvantageous in any way." Yukinoshita appeared slightly miffed.

"Ah yes. You're right. You're right." I quickly said, evading her words as she directed scornful eyes at me.

"Look let's not go into WHY you don't have any friends despite the fact you're oh so popular. You don't need to bring up that part of your past because I already know it."

"The fact you can say that with such conviction is as irritating as it is disturbing. What could you possibly know about me? …You would never understand."

The fact that she could tell that I was talking with conviction despite my sarcastic-sounding voice is what's really disturbing. I think I just felt a chill.

"When you were in elementary school, you had your indoor shoes hidden from you about sixty times, but fifty of those times were done by girls in your class. I believe five of those times, a dog had stolen them. The percentage of times done by dogs is pretty high now that I think of it. Do I need to go on?"

Yukinoshita appeared shocked and looked at me with an expression full of amazement. It seemed Yukinoshita was also surprised. She was at a loss for words with her mouth hanging open for a second. She then puffed her cheeks a little and looked away.

I was triumphantly satisfied with her expression.

"No? Good, hearing things you've already heard before can be very tedious. Source: me. Now I have something important I need to look up, and you're going to go through a very trying experience today so enjoy your book while you can."

She glared at me for that, then a second later her eyes returned to her paperback book.

I sat down in my seat, pulled out my forgotten smartphone, and Google Japan's current marriage law. It's sixteen for both sexes with parental consent and no consent at eighteen. Looks like the birth rates are worse in this Japan than they were in the one on Earth-Prime. Not surprising really, with the birth control being so good that it's suspicious… fucking anime world.

So I can marry her huh.

"Why did you write that on the board?"

Guess she was curious huh.

"I got bored and forgot about my smartphone honestly."

"You know that's not what I'm asking." She said annoyed.

My ahoge twitches and I feel the force.

"Doesn't matter your about to find out Yukinon~."

Ignoring Yukinoshita's icy death glare, I got out of my seat and walked over to the door, and opened it.

"Welcome, young Yuigahama I have been expecting you."

"Whoa! W-why are you here Hikki?! That scared me!"

What am I? A monster?

"Sorry, my bad. As for the reason that I AM HERE, I'm basically this club's 'John Smith'."

"John? Who?"

"It's just a reference, don't worry about it. Anyway welcome to the Occult Service Society or OSS for short. You can take the seat next to Yukinoshita, I'm sure she can help you with your problem."

As Yuigahama sits down I take my seat.

"O-occult Service—?"

"Yuigahama Yui-san right? First, this is the Service Club. Second, THAT thing over there is something that distorts our reality and should not exist. I'd advise that you stay away from it, and do your best to ignore it… lest you became warped yourself."

"Oi, stop denying my existents, just because I'm a stranger here doesn't mean I don't have the right to exist. And I DONT distort reality… probably."

Yukinoshita chuckled and looked in my direction, but her eyes weren't laughing, they were scary.

"Did you say something Hikistranger-kun?"

"This sorta… seems like a really fun club!" Yuigahama said as she looked at Yukinoshita and me with twinkling eyes.

Her mind is just full of sunshine and daisies huh.

"That remark isn't particularly pleasing in any way…on the other hand, your misunderstanding is terribly displeasing." Yukinoshita shot her a cold glare. As Yuigahama registered her words, she became flustered and frantically waved her hands in denial.

"Uh, no, how do I put it? I was just thinking that you guys seem to be acting really natural! Like I mean, Hikki is like totally different from how he's like in class. He's like actually talking and stuff."

"As if I'd talk to any of the ass hats in class, well except Kawasomething she's cool." And Totsuka because he's cute (no homo, but who doesn't like cute things?) but that's my secret. As Yuigahama registered my words, she became even more flustered and frantic.

"Hikki do you like Sakisaki?!"

"Who?"

"You know Kawasaki!"

"Who?"

"Ah, you know never mind…"

"…By the way who are you calling Hikki? It feels like you're calling me hikikomori." It hurts my feelings you bitch.

"Yuigahama-san, why don't you tell me why you have come to the Service Club?"

"Oh right… so um I heard this from Hiratsuka sensei, who totally is out of it right now I mean she kept talking to herself about getting married or something… Anyway, she said this club fulfills students' desires right?"

I avoid Yukinoshita's piercing gaze and whistled a few bars of Pump Up Kicks.

"Hikki that tune is kinda creepy and gross."

I fake cough into my hand from embarrassment.

"Sorry."

"To your question; I believe it differs a little. Ultimately, the aim of this club only lies in lending people a hand. Whether or not that fulfills your desires depends upon you." Yukinoshita said while looking at me annoyed.

"How is it different?" Yuigahama asked with a dubious expression.

"Would you give a hungry man a fish or would you teach him how to fish? That is where the difference lies. Essentially, a volunteer does not provide results but a methodology. I suppose ' to encourage independence' would be the most accurate answer."

Her speech is like something pulled straight out of the fucking Jedi temple. An empty principle only a hypocritical Jedi would preach. So damn annoying.

"That's kinda really awesome!" Yuigahama exclaimed with a look that said 'You opened my eyes so I totally get it now!' I wonder if I can brainwash her into the ways of the Sith?

"Although I cannot say for sure that I will fulfill your wishes, I will help you as much as I can."

Upon hearing those words, Yuigahama spoke up as though she'd suddenly remembered what she had come here for.

"Hey! Um, I was kind of thinking about making some cookies…" Yuigahama said and glanced at me.

Yukinoshita also darted a look at me which I returned.

"Everything Is Proceeding As I Have Foreseen."

"Whoa Hikki, I didn't know you knew English but that voice was like super creepy and gross! And is something wrong with you? Because like your face hasn't changed expression at all! It's really super creepy!"

What the fuck? Were all my Star Wars quotes in English?! Why did no one tell me?! I let out a depressed sigh.

"I uh, I'm just going to go get something drink. Would you like a 'Yasai seikatsu 100 Strawberry Mix' Yukinoshita?"

She just glared at me.

"I'll take that as a yes… what about you Yuigahama a 'Otoko no Café au Lait' or something?" And I'm not running away nor am I going to cry… an NPC's words can't hurt me!

"Oh yeah, thanks Hikki!"

I nod and head out the door.

After battling and losing to my nemesis the sports drink vending machine, I walked to the faculty office and while trying to ignore Shizuka who has her head down on her desk, I asked Tsurumi sensei for the key to the home economics room after inquiring about her daughter. I then returned to the clubroom.

"You're late." Yukinoshita said, snatching the 'Yasai Seikatsu' from my hands. She poked a straw in it and started drinking. Miss that will be 100 yen. Miss? Oi pay me, you're not my fren!

"I just stopped by the faculty office to get the key for the home economics room. We're going there, right? And here Yuigahama."

"Thanks, Hikki." See...she paid me!

"Have you finished your chat?" Satisfied, I attempted to get Yukinoshita to show me some appreciation as well.

"Yes. As a result of your absence, our conversation went along swimmingly. Thanks."

That was most certainly the least gratitude I've ever received in my entire life.

"Yukinoshita is going to help you make Cookies right? Why couldn't you ask your friends to help you with something like that?" I asked for form's sake.

"Um… W-well, it's just that… I don't really want them to know and if they knew about it, they'd make fun of me… Something serious like this wouldn't sit well with them…" Yuigahama's eyes darted about as she answered.

I let a small sigh slip.

"Right… didn't really care Yuigahama, let's go."

"Hey, that was mean Hikki!"

The home economics room was now enveloped in the smell of vanilla essence.

Yukinoshita was helping (lol) Yuigahama while I was busy making a strawberry sponge cake for a sad woman. Shizuka love's sweet things so this cake should help cheer her up even if it's a lie just everything else in this fucking anime world. It wasn't long until:

"W-why?" Yuigahama stared in horror at the abomination in front of her.

"I just don't understand… How is it even possible to make mistake after mistake…" Yukinoshita murmured. I wondered if she was speaking quietly just so that Yuigahama wouldn't hear. Either way, she seemed to have let it slip in her impatience.

Yuigahama took the abomination and arranged it on a plate. "It might look like this, but… We won't know until we've tasted it!"

"You're right-we've even got someone here to do the taste testing."

"Yukinoshita if I should die from this: Tell my wife that I loved her…"

"YOUR MARRIED HIKKI!"

"OF COURSE NOT YOU IDIOT! My civil status is still pending!"

Yukinoshita gently put a hand on her temple as though she had a headache, and hung her head low.

"Hikigaya-kun, just what is it that you think you're doing?" I don't fucking know!

"…I'm proving that the cake is a lie, Yukinoshita."

Yukinoshita just rolled her eyes at me.

"I-in any case those are not fit for human consumption, Yukinoshita…Yuigahama… Fighting!" I said lifelessly while giving them a thumbs up. Ignoring the girls I return to making my cake.

Upon placing the last strawberry on top of the cake I was very satisfied with my creation: The Classic Japanese Strawberry Sponge Cake.

With my cake fully armed and operational, I checked to see how the girls were doing.

"They're somehow different…" Despondent, Yuigahama's shoulders dropped.

Tasting them showed that they were clearly different from Yukinoshita's. Nonetheless, they well and truly deserved to be called 'cookies'. Compared to that charcoal-like thing before, they were so much better… Honestly, I didn't really mind eating them. Once I finished the cookies down the horrible Max Coffee (energy drink).

"…How should I instruct you so that you understand?" Puzzled, Yukinoshita tilted her head in thought.

"It's just something she will just have to keep working on Yukinoshita. Oh and here Yuigahama take this." I handed Yuigahama a folder titled Occult Service Society to her.

"What this?"

"Inside you'll find some information on free baking classes in Chiba."

"Thank you, Hikki w-what did you think of my cookies?"

"They're a little hard to bite here and there, to be honest, and they aren't that tasty." Yuigahama was disheartened.

"Well, you know… If you give off the impression that you tried your best, won't you touch a man's heart?"

"…Hikki, would you be touched?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, as long as she is over twenty I would be touched, big time! I mean, if any onee-san is this nice to me, I'm already ready to fall for them. And don't call me Hikki." Yukinoshita had buried her head in her hands.

"Ah… oh… okay, I see." I'm sorry Yuigahama.

"Yuigahama-san, what should we do with your request?"

"Oh, it's okay… Don't worry about it! Next time, I'll try my own way. Thank you, Yukinon…" Yuigahama turned to face Yukinoshita with a sad smile.

"Aright let's clean up and then we can have some of this cake, lie that it is."

"Whoa! Did you really make that cake Hikki? It looks so good right Yukinon?!"

"Well suppose, but Yuigahama-san I very much prefer if you didn't call—"

"—Let's hurry and clean Yukinon! Hikki you help out as well!"

"Clean up your own damn mess Yuigahama."

"Hikki you're so mean!"

After bidding Yukinoshita and Yuigahama goodbye I locked the door of the home economics room. Aside from the key I needed to return, I hold two small styrofoam boxes each containing a slice of strawberry sponge cake. One is for Tsurumi sensei as a thank you for letting us use the room, the other goes to Shizuka. As I turn to leave, my eyes fall on the unused music room that is just across the hall. The piano, the dark side, calls to me and I should have time for one song. I go inside and place the two styrofoam boxes and my school bag on a table sitting against the wall.

I sat at the piano, and the conversation between Yukinoshita and Yuigahama over cake comes to mind.

A friend huh.

'I have no friends but that's okay~ I don't need them, anyway~ I do my best, all on my own~ And I'd just rather be alone~ Rather be alone~'

My friends are dead.

And so like the fucked up egdelord loser that I am: I play Hello Alone.

…

Are you broken achievement-chan?

Author's Note:

Are the hot edits finished for this chapter? Has the author run out of cigarettes thus slowing things down? Does service guarantee citizenship? Would YOU like to know more?

My answers to these thrilling questions are: Yes, Not Yet, Probably and Fire Engine?

Some of my answers are wrong?! D+!

…This story will continue next time on Dragon Ball Z!

[App Fren-ly End Space]