To those concerned: I OWN ALL THE THINGS!
Wataru Watari! OH HARUHI! HE HAS A LAWYER! Well... I gotta go! Start the episode Kyon! It was just a joke Wataru Watari-san!
Episode 3
~The Achievement's Of A Good Soldier Are Wrong~
Just as the last note of Hello Alone leaves the room…
…
Achievement unlocked: Marriage Not Dating
Achievement unlocked: Know Your Place
Achievement unlocked: Welcome To The Black Parade
Achievement unlocked: You CAN Marry Her
Achievement unlocked: Speaking Galactic Basic
Achievement unlocked: The Cake Is A Lie
Achievement unlocked: You Have No Frens
…
I collapsed onto the piano keys (sorry Yamaha-kun), the regret I feel for that stray thought is one of the greatest of my current fucking life! Why the fuck were you loading?! Why couldn't you just BE fuckin broken achievement-chan?!
Achievement unlocked: Living With Regrets
…
You can ignore this Hachiman, you're Japanese. The Japanese can ignore anything. You can IGNORE this… 'Believe It!'
…
Achievement unlocked: Something You Can't Ignore
…
…
FUCK! JUST. FUCK!
…Aright Hachi, you can pull through this, just remember the code: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left— Wait, NOT that code! The other one you moron!
Always remember: 'Peace is a lie'…
I pull myself away from the piano. It's time to man the fuck up and head to the faculty office.
I need to face Shizuka and hand her the cake, after all: 'There is only Passion.'
'Through Passion, I gain Strength.'
'Through Strength, I gain Power.'
'Through Power, I gain Victory.'
'Through Victory my chains are Broken.'
"The Force shall free me." I say to no one.
I grab the two styrofoam boxes and my school bag from the table and exit the music room.
The fact that Shizuka is likely to reject me is something I can accept…because just like everything else in this fucking anime world I know that: 'Peace is a lie…'
Achievement unlocked: Edgelord Of The Sith
…
…Haruhi help me, I want to die.
Upon returning the home economics room key, I gave Tsurumi sensei her slice of the strawberry sponge cake which she received with much appreciation. With her beauty rivaling Shizuka's, Tsurumi sensei is the nicest teacher at Sobu High. She's so nice that I feel like a bastard for planning to skip her class tomorrow. I just know she'll be disappointed. I'm sorry Tsurumi sensei but when I cook, I cook alone.
Now that my business with Tsurumi sensei is complete. I faced my return to Malachor V, with no party members, not even a droid. To think the ending would be this soon. I approach Shizuka who's at her desk smoking a cigarette. I tried to get a read on her expression but it was surprisingly inscrutable. It seems she intensified the forward firing power of her batteries, so nothing could get through. Well, I'm glad she's at least not depressed like before.
Looking annoyed, she arched an eyebrow and blew smoke in my direction, for which I was extremely grateful for. Ah erotine-san, nicotine-chan sexy older sister… I swear I'm not cheating on you nicotine-chan! Your Nee-san is just saying hello! I WILL come to embrace you! Wait for me nicotine-chan!
I-it's not like I l-like you or anything, you i-idiot!
Kyon! Don't read nicotine-chan's line! That voice was fucking disgusting!
Distraction-chan did some HACK rip you off into this mess?! Kidnapping is a crime! I'll be sure to call the police for you distraction-chan!
Shizuka's patience ran out since I'm just standing there like a dumbass holding a styrofoam box. What can I say…my ahoge isn't just for show…
"Hey! Why are you here Hikigaya? Didn't you have enough fun playing with MY feelings? Don't you know that toying with adults is wrong? Just how much are you going to harass me today? Hyan?!" Yeah, she's pissed.
I couldn't help but wince at her words. The little black thing that I call my heart fell. It's by the grace of Suzumiya-sama that she didn't just punch me.
Wait wasn't it YOU who harassed me with your skinship (violence) today?
What's with 'Hyan?!' are you a delinquent now?
I know that you're pissed off, but we're not alone in here, some of the teachers are looking at us. Oh, Haruhi! The Vice Principal's eyes are scary! Please don't make a scene Shizuka… And please stop giving me that warm smile Tsurumi sensei, you're married!
"…I well, you see while Yukinoshita was helping Yuigahama with her request, there really wasn't anything for me to do…so I decided to bake a cake. And I thought you might like a slice…"
I set the styrofoam box on her desk and open it, showing the slice of the strawberry sponge cake in all its glory.
"I uh, I'm sorry about some of the things I said to you earlier, some of those were a little out of line… probably."
Shizuka's mouth twitched and her expression soften a bit.
"They were ALL way out of line you idiot!"
She let out long exhalation and put out her cigarette.
"Hikigaya Hachiman we need to have a little talk…you and I, and I think this little talk needs to happen right now… Come with me, we're going to the consultation office."
"Is going to be a professional—"
"—The consultation office now!"
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
"Roger Roger."
"Piff—."
Did she just…—must have been my imagination. What wasn't my imagination was that Shizuka took the slice of cake with her so that her coworkers wouldn't steal it from her. Shizuka really does love sweet things after all.
…
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
You thought you could leave THAT behind and ignore it, right Hachiman?
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
…You Remember don't you Hachi. A long time ago, in a planet far, far away… You were just a good fucking soldier Weren't you…
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
You followed your fucking orders didn't you Sergeant.
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
Your squad… all of your fucking friends… YOU got them killed didn't you STAFF SERGEANT.
Achievement unlocked: Ok Sergeant Sagara
GO JOIN MY FRIENDS IN FUCKING AFGHANISTAN ACHIEVEMENT-CHAN!
…
…Alright, just cool your fucking shit, John Smith. It's been more than five years and one parallel world ago. You don't need to relive your REAL Malachor V from Earth Prime here. Just live in the present. You're Hikigaya Hachiman and it's only day two in this fucking anime world. You're with Shizuka now. You See? Things are fine, you're with the woman you just YOLO'd marriage to, and she's going to reject you…
Fuck!
…Just follow Shizuka Hachiman, after all:
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
Upon entering the consultation office Shizuka waved me to a cushioned chair.
Having lit a fresh cigarette Shizuka sits across from me as her secondhand smoke begins to fill the small little office.
I like this place, we should like totally~ have all our discussions here tee-hee~.
'And now~, you wanna see how far down~, I can sink~? Let me go~, fuck~!'
'So~, you can~, well now so~, you can~, I'm so far away from you~ Well now so~, you can~'
'And without you is how I disappear~ And without you is how I disappear~'
Whoa, distraction-chan? I know that you're upset right now, but Hachi-kun needs to talk to Shizuka-chan right now…
"Hey! Earth to Hikigaya pay attention to me! I swear your trips into space are getting worse."
"The fact that you care at all makes me feel… happy?" I said cocking my head to the side.
"Why did you say that like it's a question? Of Course, you should be very happy that I care about you Hikigaya!" She said nodding to herself, at least until she registered her own words. "Wait that's not what I meant to say!"
You're adorable.
"You just can't stop yourself, can you? I'm starting to think you may actually like me."
Achievement unlocked: Ironic
…
I know the feeling… Please just fucking stop…
Her eyes sparkled with some errant emotion, but of what nature, I couldn't really say.
"I think just felt a chill, never say that again Hikigaya! How could I come to like someone so rotten…?" Shizuka put a hand on her temple as though she was having a headache.
Oh Haruhi, I really am in a romantic comedy… Yay for self-awareness! Since my HP is still recovering, I won't comment on what she just said. One more of Shizuka's punches would kill me. I wish her skinship wasn't violence.
"…So what was it you wanted to discuss?" I asked making a Gendo Pose.
Shizuka regarded me with serious eyes while trying not to smirk.
"This discussion is about the incredibly inappropriate remarks you made to me today."
"So this is a personal discussion after all…"
She narrowed her eyes at me, as I break the Gendo Pose and relax into my seat.
"…Honestly, what could have possibly possessed you to say something so utterly ridiculous? Explain yourself, Hikigaya!"
A ghost of a smile appears on my lips.
"I wonder, perhaps I just hit my head…" I gave short laugh without humor. "…but the main point is, even if what I said was extremely reckless, the fact remains that I would be happy to marry you Shizuka-san and I don't care if it is ridiculous at all."
What I just said was true… probably. Feeling Happy, for me…is kinda stretching things. And sure, some invasive fucking meat-bag may point out that I'm trying to marry someone 'younger' than me, but I never said I wasn't a fucking hypocrite. Besides I'm like totally sixteen right now~ tee-hee~. Even so, I do want to get married. And if I could get married to anyone, I'd like it to be her.
…Not that Shizuka or anyone else would ever marry a fucked up pretender like me.
Flustered pink and coughing, Shizuka stabbed out her cigarette in the ashtray.
"Y-you can't be serious and you shouldn't call me like that, I'm your teacher damn it!"
"I am serious. And the school day has already ended…right now we're both off the clock having a very personal discussion Shizuka-san. It's not like I'm asking you to date me. A marriage between us would be perfectly legal."
Shizuka stares at the ceiling with a hand on her forehead.
"Aaaaah! Why does it feel like I'm being pushed into a shady contract by a washed-out salaryman…"
She regarded me with a look of concern in her eyes.
"Why would you ever want to get m-married to me Hikigaya? …The whole idea is absurd!"
I looked at her like she was a moron.
"What an absurd question: We share the same interest (like cigarettes) and I find you very attractive. Outside of my family, you're the only person who ever gave a damn about me. Hell, you're the only person that I can even say is close to me. You're the only person that I genuinely enjoy spending time with. Of course, I would want to marry you… Idiot. What's really absurd is that all the men around you must have had bad taste, were they all blind or something?"
Her eyes widened slightly, surprise and shock suddenly crossed her features. When she regained her composure, she looked at me with imploring eyes.
"Thanks for that, but Hikigaya think about the age difference between us. Just think about what your parents would say!"
My own eyes narrowed.
"You of all people are going to try to use AGE as an excuse?" She winced. "You're only twenty-five Shizuka-san, the age gap between us wouldn't really matter. Even if we waited until I'm twenty you'd still be in your (very late) twenties. Though to be honest I'd like to at least wait until I'm seventeen to marry you, but not much more than that… I have some very serious concerns about you living alone."
Shizuka averted her eyes from my gaze.
"As for my 'parents', I doubt that they would say anything." And I mean that literally. My father doesn't have the right to say anything after ignoring me like the idiot daughtercon that he is. As for my mother, I can't see her saying anything except: 'Is that so…'
"If anything I think they would feel relieved that I found someone, and wouldn't be spending my life forever alone…" Or with Komachi…
"…Why can I see myself as Hikigaya Shizuka, so realistically?" She mumbled to herself, as she stared into space.
Oi, oi aren't you supposed to reject me? Was Yukinoshita right? Do I distort reality? No, Shizuka must be just desperate enough to not outright tell me to fuck off with marriage on the table…
With a slight shake of her head, she returned a soft gaze to me.
"You're mature for your age, but that doesn't change the fact that you're only sixteen. Hikigaya you have your whole life ahead of you don't—"
"—That's a fucking LIE!" I snapped. "You and I both know what the damn world is really like. The best we can do is to live in the present. After all, not everyone gets to have a future…" I said coldly.
My face becomes pale as the memory of me covered in the blood and guts of Private Wanderman crossed my mind. The young Private First Class was on point one moment, then he ate a mortar round the next. He was just a fucking kid… Damn it, I should have never let him be on point, even if he did volunteer… Or that he saved my worthless ass by going out too far…
I may not remember my name or my death, but I will NEVER forget theirs…
My hands were clenched into fists on my knees and they were trembling. I slowly breathed in and out to avert the panic attack. All the while Shizuka looked at me with very worried eyes. Shit, she's the guidance counselor of this fucking school. All sorts of alarm bells must be going off inside her head. I held out my hand to stop her from speaking.
"Sorry, I just remembered something… unpleasant…"
Achievement unlocked: A Flashback From Vietnam
FUCK IT! I'M OUT!
"Do you want to talk about it?"
…
"No… I think I'm done talking for today."
I stand up and walk to the door. I feel her gaze following me. Stopping with my back to her I let out a deep sigh.
"Oh, and you shouldn't project yourself onto me Shizuka. You really should try to see me for who I am." Although I say that, I truly hope she doesn't… All she'll find is just a pretender covered in blood.
I open the door and leave.
At the school bike racks, I received a text from Komachi saying that she'll be staying at a friend's house tonight and inquired if I would be ok on my own for dinner. I replied that I would be fine. I ask if we needed any groceries at home and who she was staying with.
I was a little sad that I couldn't hang out with Komachi… Well, I guess it was for the best. Not only would I get Kamakura all to myself, but I also planned to raid my parent's closet for the basic black suit my father wore for the hell that is Japanese job hunting.
With suit-kun and the skill Hiki-Persona 8 off, all that the shallow eyes of society would see is just another washed-out salaryman buying cigarettes from a vending machine. Hurray for the shallow surface of Japan's society! As long as you don't get caught… Get caught and you're so royally fucked.
I wonder how good Saize really is? I think I'll go there for dinner tonight.
"I'm coming nicotine-chan, wait for me." I promised to the sky.
'You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy' than 4-chan's 'pol'. That's the place I spent another sleepless night, hinting about the rise of the Orange Man… While trolling, I also chilled out with Kamakura as I listened to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge.
That morning, the Hikigaya household would wake to find another western breakfast ready on their dining room table.
That wasn't to say I didn't any sleep at all. I took little cat naps in English and math. The ass of an English teacher called me out in class and asked if I'd like to take the final exam. It was with stars in my eyes, when I asked if I really could test out of his class. His response was as expected, disappointing.
I wish he had just ignored me like the old math teacher, the good man.
Slav squatting on top of the school roof's water tower access with a can of Max Coffee (energy drink) in hand, I'm finishing up my date with nicotine-chan. I'm also currently skipping the special home economics class that replaced the period for Shizuka's modern lit, much to my disappointment. The sad disappointed face of Tsurumi sensei crosses my mind as I put out my cigarette in my portable ashtray.
My new portable ashtray was a disappointing purchase that I bought on impulse because it was branded by the Max. Opening the can of Max Coffee (energy drink), I downed the sugary crap that I'm starting not to mind. The human ability to adapt is truly fucking scary.
I decided that this will be the last time I smoke cigarettes in school, getting caught could get me expelled after all. I should at least warn Kawasomething as well. Not that she'll listen… I just hope she has plot armor for this kind of thing.
The bell signaling lunch chimed, so I exited the water tower access by sliding down the ladder like an American action hero. As I walked down the stairs from the roof, I came across Kawasomething who I told not to get caught. She just rolled her eyes at me. With a sigh I made my way to the unused music room to kill some time at the piano, whistling the tune of Pump Up Kicks all the way in the halls as I went.
My piano rendition of Pump Up Kicks was interrupted as the door was violently pulled open with a resounding clatter. Only one person opens doors like that at Sobu. So I turn my head to face Shizuka.
"I finally found you Hikigaya!"
She walks toward me holding out a sheet of paper like it was a writ for my execution. As I take the paper and place it on the piano like a sheet of music, Shizuka crosses her arms and regards me with another of her exceedingly contemptuous expressions.
"That's the report you must complete for skipping class today. I swear only someone as rotten as you could make up a song that gives me such bad vibes… You're not to play that song again Hikigaya! Oh, that reminds me you're also banned from playing the X-Files theme as well. Yukinoshita doesn't like it for some reason, and she complained to me about it. If you do it again I'll find the key to this room and lock it!"
That bitch ratted on me! And she owes me money! No, I'm not being petty Kyon!
I was a bit miffed that not only was my music interrupted but I was censored as well. I lock my eyes with hers and attacked her with City Pop.
I launch right into the chorus of: Stay With Me.
As I played we became locked in a battle of wills. It was hard to play as I stared at her. Her expression gave nothing away as she stared back at me.
"…"
"…"
I saw the end of her ears turn pink. A repulsive sadistic smirk made its way onto my lips. I won. When the song ended, Shizuka turned on her heel and started to walk away while trying to look cool. Ok, it was kinda cool…
"Fill that out, and then come to the faculty office after school."
After saying that with her voice annoyed, she left the room not fully closing the door behind her.
…
Shizuka DID reject me yesterday right…?
…
Achievement unlocked: Civil Status Pending
…
…
Even with things up in the air between us, I honestly can't see her marrying me. Really what kind of teacher marries her student, an alien? It's not like she is from the 'Galactic Federation' or that I'm having 'Stand Stills'…
I just can't help but think of a J-Pop song that fits us so well. It's even called Pretender and the irony isn't lost on me. At a slightly slower tempo than the original, I played: Pretender by Official Higedandism. And as the words came to mind I start to sing…
"You and me, our love story~ It's just as I imagined~ After the curtain rises, a one-man show starts~ Though I'm always by your side~ after all, I'm nothing but the audience~"
"Said feelingless 'I'm sorry'~ It's just on a daily basis~ That's not too bad once you get used to it~ But I knew my romance with you was unlike my self-~ and I realized it would never last long~"
"In a way different settings-~ In a way different relation-~ A world line where we can meet-~"
"In a way different personality-~ In a way different values-~ I want to send my pure love only to you~, 'Cause I know that wish would've been no use-~"
"Goodbye~"
"I am not the one, the love of your entire life~ It's hard to say, but I can't deny~ Still, I can't decide to leave~"
"Just touching your hair, that little thing makes me-~ feel painful-pain, yet-~ sweetie-sweet, I can't say-~"
"Goodbye~"
"What are 'you' to me? I ask myself~ I don't have any answers-~ yes, I don't want to understand~"
"The only one thing-~ if there's one thing I can say from the bottom of my heart-~"
"'You are beautiful'~"
…
As the last notes of Pretender leave the music room, out of the corner of my eye I glimpse a streak of long silky black hair leaving just outside the partly closed door…
The scene of Shizuka standing outside the clubroom from episode one of the anime flashes in my mind.
Holy Haruhi! Did she just hear me sing a fucking J-Pop song in Hachiman's disgusting voice?! This is beyond embarrassing! I don't think I can take this kind of humiliation!
…I can never get married.
Achievement unlocked: Like A Pop Idol
Standing up so quickly that I almost topple Yamaha-kun's seat, I fall to my knees as I let out something deep inside me…
"NOooooooooooo!"
"So let me guess, even cooking class was a traumatic experience for you?"
I'm at Shizuka's desk to hand in the home economics report to make up for skipping cooking class. I'm trying not to think about the truly traumatic experience I just had at lunch. I really don't want to be here right now…
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
Don't mock me Kyon!
This feels a hell of a lot like déjà vu. Why are you shoving this lecture down my throat, is this your revenge Shizuka?
"Sensei, aren't you a Modern Japanese teacher?"
"I'm the school's guidance counselor. Tsurumi sensei pushed the responsibility to me."
I looked to one corner of the room to see said Tsurumi sensei watering a decorative plant, I waved at her. Shizuka gave her a quick glance before returning her eyes to me.
"First, I'll hear your reason for skipping cooking class. Make it brief."
"Well, it's just I don't really understand why I have to participate in cooking classes with the other students.…"
"That answer doesn't make any sense to me. Hikigaya - was it that much of a painful experience to be put into groups? Or is it because nobody let you join their group?" Shizuka looked at me as though she was sincerely worried.
"N-no, of course not. What are you talking about sensei? This is about cooking training, right? In other words, training that would be pointless unless it bears resemblance to how cooking is conducted in real life. Everyone cooks by themselves. In other words, cooking is something that must be done alone! Conversely speaking, conducting cooking training in groups is wrong!"
"What you're talking about and what I'm talking about are completely different."
"Sensei! Are saying that the shallow surface of Japan's society is wrong?! Unforgivable! It'd be pointless to say anything more than this! I'm outta here!" I replied and turned on my heel, attempting to leave the place behind me.
"Hey! Don't try and make me the bad guy by storming out when I'm the one who's supposed to be angry!"
…Did my plan fail Haruhi? Shizuka stretched out her arm and yanked the back of my collar. And soon I'm made to face her a second time while being held up like a kitten. Damn. If I'd said something stupid like 'Heh Silly me~' and stuck my tongue out, I probably would have gotten away with it.
Shizuka sighed and smacked my report with the back of her hand.
"'How to Make a Delicious Curry' – that part is fine. The problem is what comes after that. '1. Cut onion into comb shapes. Then slice thinly and season. Just like how a shallow person is easily influenced by others, thinly sliced onions easily soak up the flavor'…..Who said to mix in sarcasm? You're meant to mix in beef."
Geh! I kinda just wrote that on autopilot really…
"Sensei please stop making a face like that was a really great pun… I'm feeling embarrassed being the one looking at you."
"Even I don't want to read this. You probably already know what I'm going to say but you'll have to resubmit it." Sensei looked completely appalled as she put a cigarette between her lips. Hello erotine-san.
"Can you cook?" She then inquired with a somewhat surprised expression as she casually flipped my report over.
"Yes, I'm an adu—" I quickly fake cough to cover up what I almost just said. "—C-considering my future plans, of course, I can cook."
"Are you at the age where you want to start living on your own?"
I rolled my eyes at her…did she forget?
"No, that's not the reason."
"Hmm?" Sensei simply inquired with a look that said 'so why?'
"Because cooking is a skill that your husband requires."
Upon hearing my reply, she blinked her large eyes, which were modestly lined with mascara, two or three times.
"Yes, that would be a skill my husband—"
I cut her off before she self-destructed.
"—Well, it's an option…"
After her coughing fit, she glared at me.
"Don't talk about dreams with those sordid, corrupt eyes of yours! They should at least be sparkling with excitement!"
Oh Haruhi this woman… So adorable.
"…Just for reference, how are your future CAREER plans coming along?"
It probably wouldn't be a good idea to just tell her to fucking worry about our own future together first, so I resigned myself to giving her a more reasonable answer.
"Well, I plan on going to the NTC."
"The NTC?"
"That's the National Tax College. I think I could find a great deal of enjoyment in my life by taking other people's hard-earned money and giving it to a shady and evil organization (the Government)."
Shizuka let out a sigh and puts out her cigarette.
"The fact that I can see you becoming a tax collector is so realistic that it's scary… Just how twisted are you Hikigaya?!"
"Sensei, it's okay! I won't be a corporate slave like my parents. I'll even do the housework properly. After all, I want to spend time with my wife and family."
I won't tell her that if I don't get married, I'll join the JSDF. As Hikigaya Hachiman I could never become an NCO again. However, I am just lazy enough to become an Officer though… Who knows maybe I can go back to fuckin Afghanistan and have my revenge. I can do it right this time, without any friends, just soldiers under my command…
Achievement unlocked: Army Of One
…
Shizuka didn't react to the words I said. She just pulled out another cigarette and lit it.
The human ability to adapt really is truly fucking scary.
"…Right. You really are as rotten as ever." Shizuka sighed loudly. Then immediately after, she grinned widely and laughed as though she'd just thought of something.
"Being as twisted as you are, what do you think of Yukinoshita Yukino?"
"A fucking naïve self-righteous hypocritical Jedi" I immediately replied. "And also a frigid bitch."
"Language damn it! You sound like you were in the army Hikigaya!"
Nice to see you're as needlessly perceptive as ever Shizuka.
"Although, she really is an extraordinarily excellent student… Well, those who 'have' may indeed suffer just by 'having'. But still, she is a very sweet girl." Shizuka said with a bitter smile.
Don't try to push a tsundere that's under twenty onto me… You're not Haruno.
"She's kind and occasionally right. But society is neither kind nor righteous. I'm sure it's a hard way to live."
Shizuka let out another long sigh as she puts out her cigarette.
"The both of you have quite twisted personalities. I'm worried about the fact that neither of you seems like you'll be able to adapt to society well. That's why I want to bring you both to the same place."
"The isolation ward?…"
"You could call it that!" She laughed cheerfully.
"Either way, it's fun watching you guys. So maybe I just want to keep you where I can see you."
"If that's what you wanted you should just marry me already instead of forcing me into that stupid club of yours."
With that Shizuka stood up and started shoving me by the shoulder towards the door.
"Wa-wait! What are you doing?! Ow! Your skinship hurts!"
Oi! Tsurumi sensei don't just smile and wave at me, stop her!
"Come back when you've learned to fix that corrupt rotten thing you call a personality at the service club First." Then with a viselike grip on my shoulder, she harnessed all her strength and gave me a final shove outside the door. Just as I was about to turn around and complain, the door was ruthlessly slammed shut. I suppose that means 'no objections, rebuttals, questions or back-talk'.
'Good soldiers follow orders.'
You're really starting to piss me off Kyon!
In the clubroom, I was just chilling out with distraction-chan as I meme'd on my smartphone. That was until Yukinoshita took distraction-chan away from me. That's a crime you know…
"…I wonder if that really went okay yesterday." I felt Yukinoshita's cold stare as she whispered to herself. "I think that people should try to reach their own limits and surpass them… That would be what's best for Yuigahama-san in the long run."
'Stop!~ Drop~ And drag me into place~ And lock the fire escapes~ I'll break your pretty face~'
(Yeah, yeah~)
'Oh, you clever little things~ The sycophantic teens~'
"What a precious basket case~"
(Yeah, yeah~)
That's right distraction-chan fight her, and good backup vocals Kyon. Why is the temperature falling? Did someone fuck with the thermostat in this building?
Geh. I looked up to see that Yukinoshita's cold stare had turned into an icy glare. Was I supposed to reply to you or something?
"Tch."
"Hard work will never betray you… Though it may betray your dreams." I phoned in like a bad actor.
"What is the difference?" The wind caressed Yukinoshita's face as she continues to glare at me. Her hair was swaying gently in the breeze, fucking anime world. Stop trying to make her appeal towards me.
'I'll never join you'
I'm too mentally exhausted for this shit. I'll just enter auto lecture mode and get this over with.
"Listen up Corporal, Working hard isn't enough to ensure that your dreams always come true… In fact, it's far more common for them not to. But you can still take solace in the fact that you went on to the battlefield and fought your best to survive."
Shit! My fucking auto lecture mode was from the Army! …Whatever, just fuck it. It's not like I care what I say to this bitch, she's not Shizuka.
"It would seem that your vulgar language came from somewhere else, unlike those vulgar, lecherous, dead eyes of yours… In any case, that's just simple self-satisfaction, Hikisoldier-kun."
"And that's why you'll never make fuckin Sergeant, there's nothing wrong with self-satisfaction. And fair warning… Don't bring up my time in the Army Yukinoshita. It'll trigger my PTSD."
Yukinoshita rolled her eyes at me.
"How self-indulgent…You disgust me."
'Now shut your dirty mouth~ If I could burn this town~ I wouldn't hesitate~ To smile while you suffocate and die~'
You tell her distraction-chan, now come back over here. It's time to shitpost some dank memes.
Yukinoshita regarded me with a cold contemptuous glare.
"Speaking of something disgusting, the thing with you and Hiratsuka sensei—"
I dropped my phone onto the table.
"D-don't be ridiculous Yukinoshita! A romance between a high school student and a teacher is just absurd! It's impossible, even if we are living in this fucking anime world! It'd be one thing she was an office—"
"—Was that your sick reasoning when you asked her to marry you? Do tell Isekaigaya-kun…" Yukinoshita looked at me like trash that needed to be burned. Too bad you're an Ice Type Yukinoshita.
Really, this ice bitch is way too fucking sharp.
"A marriage between us would be perfectly legal Yukinoshita! …No, you know what, WE are not having this discussion. This topic is now M.A.D. Yukinoshita. Unless you want to go fucking nuclear you will not bring this up again… You get me, Corporal?"
Yukinoshita and I glare at each other.
'And that would be just fine~ And what a lovely time~, that it would surely be~ So bite your tongue~ And choke yourself to sleep~'
Achievement unlocked: MADNESS
Not now distraction-chan, I need to make this clear to her. Seriously die achievement-chan!
A hard knock on the door echoed loudly.
"Yahallo!" Yuigahama Yui slid the sliding door open with that stupid, insipid greeting.
Yukinoshita laid eyes on her, then she gave a huge sigh, murmuring to herself. "…what do you want?"
"Huh? Am I not really welcome here…? Um, Yukinoshita-san… Do you hate me?" Yuigahama's shoulders began to tremble.
Yukinoshita sighed as though she was thinking about it. Then she replied in a mundane voice. "I don't particularly hate you… I just think you're a little hard to deal with."
"When a girl says that, it means that she hates you!"
I wasn't sure if Yuigahama Yui would come back here after my soft rejection of her. The fact she isn't just here to chase a guy makes her someone special in my book… Too bad she's special in a lot of other ways as well. When she joins the Service (Club) I'll be sure to bump her up to Specialist.
"So, do you need something?"
"Well, you know how I've been really into cooking lately?"
"No, this is the first time I've heard that."
"Well, this is just as, like, thanks for the other day, but I made some cookies…"
The blood quickly drained from Yukinoshita's face. If you thought about Yuigahama's cooking, then the first thing that came to mind was that deep black iron ore sort of thing that she had made before.
Even I got thirsty for the fucking Max when I thought of that. The dark side doesn't need you're cookies Specialist…
"Well, I don't have much of an appetite right now, so I'm fine, thank you. Your gratitude is enough." Yukinoshita had probably only lost her aptitude just now… But Yukinoshita was kind enough not to say that.
Yukinoshita had politely declined, but Yuigahama still hummed contentedly as took out a cellophane package from her bag. It was clearly a cutely-packaged bag of blackened cookies.
"Well, it's actually fun when you try it… Maybe I'll try making lunch or something next! So anyway, Yukinon, let's eat lunch together."
"No. I like eating by myself, so I don't really want to… Also, please don't call me 'Yukinon.' It makes me sick."
"No way… Aren't you lonely? Yukinon, where do you eat lunch?"
"Here, but… Hey, are you listening to me?"
"Ah, okay then, well… I'm free after school, so I'll help you with club activities. Well, like, you know… I'm returning the favor? Yeah, I'm returning the favor, so don't worry about it at all."
"…are you listening to me?" Yukinoshita was clearly lost in Yuigahama's constant waves of conversation. She kept looking to me, as if to say 'Do something about her.'
I gave Yukinoshita a repulsive sadistic smirk as I did with Shizuka earlier. The only difference is that I know Yukinoshita can read my expression even if my face is like Ayanokōji's.
Get Some. As if I'm going to help you out… Enjoy your time with the Specialist, Corporal. You haven't paid me back for that Yasai Seikatsu I bought you… And she's your fren.
I'm really at my mental limit for the day… I think a tactical withdrawal to my FOB is in order. So grabbing poor smart-kun I immediately rose from my seat. I muttered 'Carry on Corporal' Not caring if she hear me, and prepared to leave the room.
'We're gonna bom bom bom~ Bom bom away bom~ Bom bom, bom bom~'
No, I didn't forget you distraction-chan. Living Things, a good choice I'll download it later.
"Ah, Hikki!"
I heard my name and turned around to see a blackened thing flying towards my face. I caught it reflexively.
"I kinda need to thank you too, since you helped out as well."
Oh, Haruhi! It's a fucking bioweapon! You're not supposed to use these damn things Specialist! War has rules! Are you trying to attract a fuckin JAG to this unit!
I need to dispose of this…
Sitting at Yamaha-kun in the music room I was thinking about playing another Oregairu track. I already brought Yukitoki and Hello Alone into this fucking anime world. So I guess going in order to play both Harumodoki and Everyday World would be fine. I have time, it's still club hours and Shizuka is lurking in the hallways.
Something's off… My ahoge twitches, my eyes do a quick combat scan, and what I see is: OH HARUHI! It's a fucking ghost! IT'S BLUE! SO IT'S A REAL FUCKING GHOST!
Said ghost was wearing gray robes, a lightsaber, and a North High school jacket for some reason…
Standing before me was Haruhi's errand boy, the chosen one: Kyon. Ok, so he's not really standing before me, more like just leaning against the wall looking extremely annoyed…
Some Hack roped you into this huh.
"I wouldn't play 'Hello Alone' anymore if I were you…" As he said that, he looked around the room pointedly. "It wouldn't end well…" Then with a deep sigh he begrudgingly said, "…May Haruhi be with you."
And just like that, he ghosted.
…
…
WHAT THE FUCK WAS EVEN THAT?!
A cryptic warning about Hello Alone is all that I get?! Why couldn't Haruhi send me someone useful like the Archesper Koizumi?! What do you mean he's busy Kyon?!
…
Aright Hachiman let's calm down either the lack of sleep and mental stress are driving me insane, or I just received a sign from Haruhi…
My faith compels me to play a song for Haruhi, so I begin her hymn…
Throughout the corridors of the special building, God Knows… a song could be heard.
Author's Note:
Are you not entertained?! I bet some of you thought I would run this violence on Galactic Basic right into a wall!
That totally didn't almost happen you fools! For I have The Konami code! Power! Unlimited POWER! Fu-HAHAHAHAHA!
See you Space Cowboy...
[App Fren-ly End Space]