Stop chasing me Wataru Watari-san! No, I don't want to meet your LAWYER! I don't care how hot she is! Stop trying to set us up! You're not my fren Wataru Watari-san!
Start the episode Kyon! You'll like this one I'm sure!
Episode 4
~As Expected, The Dreams of Youth Are Wrong~
My dinner with Komachi wasn't a quiet affair like the last time we ate together. We enjoyed a light conversation about how our days went, in which I informed her that Shizuka force me into the Service (Club). I told her a little bit about my new unit's squadmates that I'll be taking charge of.
There's the fact that the Corporal's leadership skills suck, and it's not like I can just kick her off to OCS for the training she needs. Yukinoshita could never cut it as a Sergeant, but she'd make for a hell of an Officer. She's already an ice-hearted bitch after all. As for the Specialist, well… she's special.
Of course, I only gave Komachi my most mundane civilian thoughts on the matter. As if I'd ever tell my dear little sister that I served in the Army. I'd never want her to find out that I killed someone her age… Fucking Afghanistan!
Achievement unlocked: Thank You For Your Service
And fuck you achievement-chan!
…Really 8man, just how fucking twisted were you for your brain to auto-generate these damn things? No, it's not a feature Kyon, and stop laughing!
This time Komachi merely frowned when I told her that I would do the dishes, but brighten up a bit when I ask her to make some coffee. She shook her head in slight disappointment when I said to make mine black. Sadly as things are right now I couldn't trust myself not to fuck up my coffee…
With a nice hot cup of black coffee finally, in hand, I entered my room.
Haruhi knows it's past time to do a personal sitrep after wasting a night of doing fuck all. I never could have guessed that my Star Wars fandom would pull the trigger on me. Such a thing has never happened to me before so it was completely unexpected. Then again on Earth-Prime my time in the Army was always with me. Why the fuck were my memories of the Army patched into me like one of those fucking Windows service updates you can't turn off?!
…Wait, it's all Haruhi's shitty internet bandwidth?
It always has been… Kyon, stop playing with distraction-chan and put that damn gun away, this isn't the time for memes.
But seriously, is the memory of my death going to pop out of nowhere at some inconvenient moment as well? Will it be some fuckin cliché sponsored by Mitsubishi?! …Yeah, I know that's a damn flag Kyon! I can't help but feel that my reincarnated life in this fucking anime world is wrong.
Ever since my little episode in the consultation office, it's becoming harder to suppress the little over five years I spent in the Army. So much so that the skill Hiki-Persona 8 is now at risk of becoming unstable. My now too sharp memory isn't helping matters as it processes the information. It's like I'm looking at a service jacket that's been redacted. A wave of nostalgia and pain wash over me as I remember a part of the past I wish stayed locked away.
There was the time I and my two best friends from JROTC enlisted straight out of high school. How I pissed off an Officer from Admin. That fucking ticket puncher sent my ass rattling around the 10th Division like a bad penny as I was forced into deployment after deployment from Fort Drum to fucking Afghanistan again and again. The bastard must have thought of that as a punishment. I'm sure it would have been for him… I fucking loved it. The look on my friend's faces as I reported in as their squad leader was fuckin priceless. With them as my team leaders, it was the best time of my life… Right up until that fucking incompetent piece of shit ordered my squad into that clusterfuck…
… Let's not think about that Hachiman. I took another sip of coffee as my mind moved away from the past and turned toward the future.
Although it's something I really wish could have lived without… The 'service update' wasn't a complete fuck you for me. The skills Stealth-Hiki, Shooting with a gun, Human Observation, Finding faults in others, Feigning Sleep, Blabbering to himself, Becoming a good guy in later arcs, and even Hiki Dancer all received strong bonuses. Many more skills were added to the pool for the hundred and eight skill slots, and reorganizing them would give me something to do in class.
I also have become more focused on planning and setting objectives. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
"It's time to make some goals. Isn't that right Kamakura?" The cat just looks at me from where he's chilling on my bed. Ignoring the cat's apathetic gaze I take out a sheet of paper to list my current goals. I jotted down the first few things that came to mind.
…
1. Marry Shizuka
2. Keep Shizuka from getting 'transferred'
3. Get Shizuka into a business skirt/office wear
4. Civilian sector employment NTC?
5. Visit the Isuzu Truck Factory
6. Ask Yukinoshita if she wants to build a snowman
…
Concerning number one, my proposal of marriage to Shizuka, is oddly enough… proceeding? As things stand, there's not a lot of planning I can do on this right now. Mission failure is still insanely high…in fact, I'm sure this one is 'A Jawa Too Far'. I really should just let the mission creep into marriage in general, and start making plans around that as a backup.
I can think about finding a nice, desperate, office onee-san at a marriage interview some other time. Planning for item number two is much more important: Shizuka's 'Transfer'.
Whatever may happen between us, I'd like Shizuka to stay through my third year at Sobu at least.
Some, if not most meat-bags would like to think of 8man as the 'Batman' of My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU because of his acts of self-sacrifice. And those meat-bags would be wrong. No, the REAL 'Batman' of Oregairu is Hiratsuka Shizuka.
Source: me.
After all who takes full responsibility for the consequences of Hikigaya Hachiman and Yukinoshita Yukino's actions in the Service (Club)? It's Shizuka, and with a fuckin smile on her beautiful face as she does it. The consequences she takes responsibility for are:
Rumors of a high school student bullying a group of elementary students at summer camp, the chaos in the administration of the school festival, and the election and administration of the student council that ran off the rails.
There are others but those are the big three. There's no way the Principal of Sobu High, an elite municipally high school, wouldn't know or ignore these events.
All of this means I have three major operations to plan out and I'll also need Intel on the Principal in case I need to blackmail him. It will cost him his career if he wants to 'transfer' her this time. I'll make sure of that even if I have to fake the evidence for it. I learnt this from Haruhi.
Now on to number three.
Short of just outright making fun of her I really can't think of a firm plan for number three. I'll have to come back to this as I spend more time with her.
Moving on to number four, 'To work is to lose' huh? What bullshit, work is just a fact of life Hachiman… And why would you ever listen to your father like that, you don't want to become him right? Even if I get Elon to take me to the moon, I still want a REAL career. Like family, that was something I never really had…besides the Army is more of a way of life than a career. And that was taken away from me along with my left eye, friends, and squadmates. I wish that bullet had just killed me… Whoa, focus Hachi! In any case, I should have no problems getting into the NTC. The JSDF will be my fallback in case my life gets royally fucked in high school. Or hell, I could go back to the U.S. and rejoin the Army… I'll shoot that Jawa when I come across it.
As for number five…well, I really want to see what kind of magic they use to make the vehicles that have isekai'd so many. It's just outside the Tokyo area in Fujisawa, so maybe I could go there for the workplace visit.
…I just feel compiled to do number six for some reason.
…
I thought about accessing JUMS to see if the parallel versions of my friends were in this fucking anime world… But I dismiss the idea almost immediately. Accessing an Army database, even one for JROTC is a good way to get flagged by the DOD. Besides my REAL friends are fuckin KIA. All I can really do right now is pray to Haruhi that a fake parallel me isn't there to get them killed as they Climb To fucking Glory.
…I need a cigarette, donning suit-kun, and turning Hiki-Persona 8 off, I stepped out of my bedroom and into the hall. The door to Komachi's room opens as she steps out.
"When did you get home to-san~?!" Geh, I'm not THAT old Komachi. "Ah-~! …It's just you onii-san~… Why are you dressed like that…onii-san~?"
"I'm just going for a walk Komachi-chan and since it's getting kinda late I thought wearing this would keep me out of trouble…" Like with the police.
"Hmm~." Komachi eyes me with a look full of suspicion.
"How about I buy you some ice cream while I'm out, my dear little sister?" I bribe her.
"Yay~! Thank you onii-san~! Just be sure you take a shower when you get back from your 'walk' onii-san~…" Your sharp instincts are scary as ever little sister.
When I get back I should really get a full night's sleep. I'm already turning into a walking Ayanokōji meme, and don't need to look I'm Seigen from Sousei no Onmyouji on top of that. Plus I'm kinda starting to see things… probably.
Outside of the house, I can feel a storm coming. The radar in my ahoge says so. I should buy some popcorn, for I know tomorrow will turn out to be a very good show.
Soft, warm, real… These are the sensations I feel under my head… Something is stroking my hair and it feels so nice. My eyes shoot open and after a quick combat scan they lock on to a pair of wide lovely grey eyes that are almost obstructed by an amazing bust. It's just Shizuka looking down on me with my head in her lap…she looks really surprised for some reason.
"…"
"…"
Whatever… I close my eyes. I'm too tired to deal with this right now…
"…Just five more minutes…"
So this is the legendary Lap Pillow huh? Too bad she wearing pants… Wait!
"Wake up Hikigaya don't go back to sleep!"
My eyes immediately open, too close, too close, too close! Oh, she smells nice… My head shoots up from her soft yet firm thighs and (Thought Acceleration!) brushes up against Shizuka's breast! Haruhi! You need to feel her rack, it's fuckin amazing!
Finding my feet, I assess the situation. Did I get isekai'd again? Not likely, I'm still Hikigaya Hachiman and I'm currently in my school uniform. Shizuka is here with me and unfortunately, she's in her school attire as well. It's hard to say if this is a dream as it feels a little too realistic.
Source: Shizuka's breast.
Right now I'm in a school courtyard that isn't Sobu's, though it seems very familiar… Ah—, North High! This is fucking North High! I'm in the Holy Land!
Damn it this wasn't supposed to be a crossover Haruhi!
Still, something's off it's almost as if I'm in a Closed— Oh, fuck my life…
What little life that was in my eyes fades as I stare off into space… I really don't want to believe that this shit is happening to me…Yeah, just keep fucking laughing Kyon… I'm sure this will turn out to be very fuckin cathartic for you. Come on Hachiman let's try to control, alt, escape this…
"Do you know where we are right now?" Shizuka asked while pulling herself up and looking around.
Looks like you haven't seen The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Shizuka. I'll need to correct this later. But it's not like I can just tell her this is North High right now…
"Looks like it's some kind of school… So…, you finally decided to kidnap me huh?"
Shizuka grabs me by the lapels and shakes me back and forth violently.
"That's not true Hikigaya! I was just drinking in my apartment and I'm sure I passed out at some point! I just woke up a moment ago, only to find you sleeping with your head on my lap! Something weird is happening here Hikigaya!"
I pull away from Shizuka's skinship and straighten out my uniform.
"First off let's get out of this school and see if we can contact someone…"
Not that, that's likely to happen…Shizuka gives me a suspicious glance.
"I know that your expressions have become harder to read as of late Hikigaya, but you seem awfully calm right now… It's like you're not even surprised by any of this somehow…"
'We can't go on together~ With suspicious minds~'
(suspicious minds~)
Did you make it here too distraction-chan? Is Kyon your fren now because you got him to sing backup vocals?
…Sorry that I'm a living Ayanokōji meme Shizuka.
Now distraction-chan, I choose you!
"…Well I figured that at some point you would kidnap me (like for summer camp), but you really didn't have to do this Shizuka, you could have just married me… In fact, it looks like you may have to take responsibility for this. So, should we go with Hiratsuka Hachiman or would you like to be Hikigaya Shizuka? I'll leave that up to you to decide…"
Shizuka buries her head in her hands.
"Aaaaaaaah! This can't be real! How could I have k-kid—! No! …This has to be some kind of nightmare!"
With those hurtful words, Shizuka runs away from me towards the school entrance gate. I chase after her and catch her when she bounces off the barrier.
Soft, warm, real… Her long black hair feels silky smooth against my cheek. Lavender and tobacco overwhelm my sense of smell. As I embrace her from behind, the warmth of her body counteracts the cold that was etched into me from my time at Fort Drum. I don't want to let her go…but like a live hand grenade, I mustn't hold on to her for too long. Carefully, I move my hands from her waist up to her shoulders and genteelly push her away. As I pull away from her tendrils of Shizuka's long silky black hair passed through my fingers.
'Just touching your hair, that little thing makes me-~ feel painful-pain, yet-~ sweetie-sweet, I can't say-~'
'Goodbye~'
Achievement unlocked: Creepygaya
…
Maybe if I'm lucky achievement-chan will get trapped in here…
As I stand here, staring off into space… I don't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved that Shizuka completely missed the fact that I just held her in my arms. Despite the little attention I just received…distraction-chan is still clinging onto Shizuka as she walks towards the barrier to touch it.
Oi, oi just how many times are you going to get kidnapped distraction-chan?
Shizuka turns to face me with excitement sparkling in her eyes.
"What is this thing Hikigaya?! This is so cool! It's like something out of a sci-fi manga!"
"No, more like a supernatural romantic comedy…" She ignored me by throwing a punch right at the barrier. A massive shockwave was unleashed by force of her punch and the barrier shook…but it still held firm…probably.
Are you fucking serious?! This childishly hyperactive woman…you really are a damn shounen protagonist, aren't you?! Aren't you?!
"Hey, Hikigaya my intuition is telling me you're thinking something rude."
Oi, stop that, you damn Newtype.
"It's just your imagination, I was just wondering if you had a cigarette on you?"
Shizuka checks her breast pocket.
"No sorry… Hey! You're still a minor Hikigaya! You shouldn't be smoking! Don't tell me that you're smoking!"
"Tch."
"You're the last person I want to hear that from…" I facepalm. "A-anyway judging from the shockwave this thing must run the perimeter of the school. My phone's not on me, so let's go inside and see if we can use one in the faculty office."
"Hey! Wait for me damn it!"
I know the phones won't work, but my objective now is to find some cigarettes. North High is a Japanese high school set in 2006 there's just got to be a pack in that office somewhere. I need a cigarette damn it!
Upon entering the school I started whistling Pump Up Kicks as we walked the empty corridors searching for the faculty office. Just like with the current me…this song wasn't out when I went to high school so I feel compiled to whistle it in a high school every chance I get.
"Ouch! Don't hit the back of the head are you trying to kill me?!"
"If I hear that disgusting tune out you one more time Hikigaya… I'll BEAT it out you!"
Geh! Her eyes were serious! …Well I guess there's always Teenagers and I can listen to that at least.
Spotting the faculty office Shizuka moves ahead of me and grabs a nearby fire extinguisher.
"Oi! Wait-…"
She smashes a window to the office in—
…As I slide open the door that was left unlocked…
Really Shizuka check the fuckin door first! And stop trying to make excuses Kyon…
"Idiot."
After fake coughing from embarrassment, Shizuka avoids my gaze as she tries to hide the fire extinguisher.
I rolled my eyes and enter the office to begin my search. It's a good thing I not planning on bringing her to the SOS Brigade HQ. That's sacred ground that even I won't dare to enter…
Ah, lucky! I found a pack of Luckies with one cigarette and a cheap lighter in it.
"There's no dial tone."
"Yeah, and I can't find a cell phone over here as well" After that cover-up, I looked Shizuka in the eyes.
"I think we should head back outside to reassess the situation."
"Hmm?" Shizuka gave me an inquiring look.
"We're trespassing for one, then there's that." I point to the window she broke. "In the off chance, we come across someone…"
"Y-yeah, we should leave Hikigaya."
"I think I saw the school's sports field down the hill, we should head there." And out of the danger zone.
We made our way outside the school complex and to the outer courtyard just before the ramp to the sports field. It was here Shizuka lost her patience with the situation.
"What the hell is this?! Where are we?! Why am I trapped in this empty school ALONE WITH YOU HIKIGAYA?!" While yelling, Shizuka waves her arm around as if to emphasize how utterly ridiculous this all is.
…It's because of Haruhi of course. Seriously you had one job Kyon! How could you have fucked it up so badly?! Did you kidnap distraction-chan when I wasn't looking?! No, no! I'm not angry with you distraction-chan… Please, don't cry distraction-chan…
"Don't you go to space on me Hikigaya!"
"As if I'd know (I do actually), you're the one who kidnapped me remember? Tell me just how drunk were you, for you to do something like this? Though that barrier thing is a weird twist…"
"I swear I didn't kidnap you Hikigaya! I would never—" She clears her throat "A-anyway that's not what happened this time! You have to believe me! Geez, this can't be happening…"
This time huh? Typical Shizuka behavior.
I let out a sigh while taking the cigarette out. I light it up and take a drag.
"Whether this is really happening or not, it clearly seems that you wanted to be with me. Let's just get married already."
Oh…this is totally happening, what I just said is a little mind game for when she wakes up. I look to gauge her reaction.
Geh! Shizuka is staring at me wide-eyed with her mouth agape like she's looking at the most absurd thing she's ever seen…that's EVEN after that barrier thing.
That really hurts what little feelings I have Shizuka.
"Hikigaya Hachiman! Just what the HELL are you even doing with that thing?!"
Huh?
"Oh, this…? I found a pack in the faculty office. Sorry but this was the only one left."
I take another drag.
Shizuka looks seriously upset at this news, so much so that I think she's going to punch me.
"H-hey just calm down a sec, there really was only one cigarette left." I show her the empty pack. Shizuka looks like she's about to kill me! "You really don't have to be THAT upset about it… Fine! Here! I'll share it with you damn it!"
I offer her the cigarette and she snatches it away from my hand. She glares at me, and then lets out a long sigh of disappointment.
"Hikigaya… you… Geez, I don't even know where to begin…"
With those listless words hanging in the air, Shizuka hesitates for a moment before bringing the cigarette to her lips as she stares off into space.
…
I hold out my hand for her to return the cigarette, but she bats it away and glares at me again. I return her glare with one of my own.
"Oi, I said we were SHARING that."
Her eyes sharpen. But before she could respond an intense blue light flashed from behind us. We turn to see a giant blue construct that towers over the school buildings.
The cigarette falls out of her mouth as her eyes light up with a child-like glee.
Oi! That was the last one!
"Hikigaya! What the hell is that thing?! A monster?! It's not some kind of illusion, is it?! This is so damn cool! It's like we're in Shounen JUMP! Hey, do you think we can fight this thing?! Let's fight that thing Hikigaya! I just know we can win!"
Looking at Shizuka with that wild grin on her face was like seeing a child wake up on Christmas morning to find all the presents she had wanted were now by her bedside.
Unlike this damn shounen protagonist, I was already falling into a sympathetic nervous response as the skill Hiki-Persona 8 fails. This thing was fucking dangerous!
"Fight it with what?! Do you see a Gustaf just lying around somewhere?! I don't even have my M4 on me!"
The giant blue construct started to smash into the school complex in a rage.
Too close, too close, way too fucking close!
"We ARE Danger fucking Close Sergeant Major! We need to move RIGHT NOW God damn it!"
Ignoring her shocked expression, I hurriedly grabbed the Command Sergeant Major's hand and pulled her with me as I ran toward the ramp that leads to the sports field. Running down the ramp I never wanted anything more than to have a SINCGARS pack with me. I wanted to call in an artillery strike so badly that I wouldn't have even cared if I had to drag Corporal Ramirez's dead body around again to use it. I'm just glad I got the Command Sergeant Major to come with me. If she had charged into there to fight that fucking thing I wouldn't have been able to stop her.
Reaching the sports field at what I felt was a minimum safe distance, I let go of the Command Sergeant Major's hand. Thanks to my training kicking in, I began to enter into a parasympathetic response which calmed me down a little.
…So how are we going to get out of this clusterfuck? Should I just let the Command Sergeant Major fight that fucking thing with her fist?
'Just kiss her you fool.'
…
Oh yeah…, I could just kiss the Command Sergeant Major…
Damn it Kyon that bar is still too high for me! And why couldn't you just say something like 'Use the fucking force' if you're going to go all space ghost on me?!
SHIT!
…I have to do this, don't I?
'Do it.'
'Peace is a lie, There is only Passion.'
'Peace is a lie, There is only Passion.'
After steeling my resolve I approach Shizuka who's having the time of her life as she watches the giant blue construct destroy the school.
"Hell Yeah! Tear down that corrupt institution HA-HA-HA-HA! Hey Hikigaya! You have no idea how much I wanted to see something like this! This is so damn awesome!"
Oi, oi that's not something a teacher should say…
"Shizuka"
I grabbed her shoulder and turned her towards me. She was smiling ear to ear.
"What's wrong Hikigaya?"
Her smile was so dazzling that I said whatever nonsense that came to mind at that moment.
"I sorta got a thing for women in ponytails."
"…What?"
"I don't remember when it was, but you had your hair in a ponytail and it looked so good on you that it was CRIMINAL."
"Huh?! What are you an idiot?!"
I started to pull Shizuka close to me so I could kiss her—
A searing pain flashes across my face. Shizuka slapped me… hard.
"Not even in your DREAMS you damn BRAT!"
"I'm twenty-eight!"
Shizuka's fist of fury landed right into my solar plexus, somehow she managed to drive it up so that I flew up into the air… I coughed out blood… So this is how I die (again)…
…
I fall to my bedroom floor.
…
…
WHAT THE HELL WAS EVEN THAT?!
Achievement unlocked: In Your Dreams
FUCK!
…
Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Kyon…
I look to see that it's zero-four-thirty hundred hours… I guess I'll make breakfast then…
I never had a dream that was so realistic before. Or maybe, maybe this isn't the old world anymore. Maybe this world is a new one that Haruhi created. And if that's the case how would I go about confronting it?
Are you done feeling nostalgic Kyon? And stop trying to take distraction-chan away from me! You have Haruhi! Yeah?! Just fuckin try to punch me for that!
Just before homeroom, I walked into the classroom of 2-F only to see Shizuka writing on the board with her hair up in a ponytail. Her attractiveness just shot over 9000! But before I could say anything Shizuka shot her pile driving fist right into my stomach.
Haruhi WHY?!
My classmates ignored what was happening right in front of their faces, as I collapsed onto the floor.
"That song you played yesterday gave me a nightmare that was so bad that it almost made me want to ditch work. Geez, just how can something so disturbing be so catchy? It was even in my nightmare! Don't tell me you made-up lyrics for that damn song! I swear I'll beat the hell out of you if I hear that disgusting tune one more time Hikigaya!"
At that moment I could only wheeze out one word.
"M-medic…"
Oi, do your damn job class health committee members!
"Class Rep, start homeroom for me. Hikigaya seems to have a stomach ache, so I'll take him to the nurse's office real quick."
Shizuka grabs me by the collar of my school uniform, then drags me out of the classroom and into the empty hallway. With my HP recovering enough, I speak something I feel from the bottom of my heart:
"Shizuka, it looks good on you."
The opening to The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya begins in my head.
"Of course it does." She gives me a smirk and nods her head. "…And don't call me that inside of school, idiot." She yanks me up by the collar and interlocks her arm with mine. Now she's just teasing me! Oh, who am I kidding? The feeling of her rack is fuckin amazing!
Ok distraction-chan, fade in the volume more and let the song play out…
The bell rang, and the fourth period ended. All at once, an air of relief began flowing through the class. Some students dashed off to the school store, some rearranged their desks and spread out their lunch boxes, and others went off to other classrooms. Lunch on this particular day in Class 2-F was bustling and noisy, as usual… probably.
It's currently raining outside and I wasn't interested in getting soaked while I ate. I did enough of that in the Army so having Lunch at my inherited loner spot was a no go for today. I could fall back to my FOB but a drama on high school fren-ship was about to unfold. No way in hell was I going to miss the show. It's free live entertainment after all and like free food it's something that I will not pass up.
I turn my attention to Hayama Hayato and his little clique. Fuck that guy. Hayama's personality reminds me too much of that fucking incompetent piece of shit of a Second Lieutenant. Seriously fuck that guy.
Miura Yumiko seems to be trying to score an ice cream date with Hayama right now. Besides her very loud voice, Princess Ringlets, a Fire Type also has the skill: Becoming a good guy in later arcs.
I pull out a large bag of premade popcorn that was stuffed into my school bag. I got it from the konbini this morning, though it was a little much for just me, it was all they had. That's ok however…I do have someone in mind with whom I can share.
I look across the classroom to see a live episode of The Melancholy of Kawasomething play out in real-time as she looks out the window at the rain.
"Oi! Kawasomething!"
My voice cuts across the classroom and everyone stares at me. Oi, oi so NOW is when my so-called classmates don't ignore me…? I don't need your wide-eyed stare Specialist! What if you fuck up your role as the Lady Peach?!
"Tch."
Ignoring everyone's annoying stares I wave my hand in a beckoning gesture at the stunned Kawasomething. She recovers, rolls her eyes at me, and stands up from her seat. The glare she gives the class returns everyone to what they were just doing a moment ago. Letting out a sigh she walks up to where I'm seated with a slightly annoyed expression.
"So what do you want now, Moron?"
"Yo Kawasomething take a seat and hang out with me. I got too much of this popcorn you see."
Kawasomething takes the offered seat next to me.
"So is this why you called out to me?"
"There's that, and you see how the Lady Peach fidgets so?" I nod towards the Specialist and Kawasomething takes a look. "I think there's going to be some drama between Princess Ringlets and her lady in waiting, in the Prince of Sobu's court."
"Are you some kind of—" Kawasomething facepalms "No…I know the answer to this question already…"
"Don't be like that Kawasomething, besides it's not like you have anything better to do…"
I hold out the open bag of popcorn to Kawasomething. She hesitates for a second then reluctantly takes some.
I knew that you were fucking cool Kawasomething…I just wish you were at least eighteen damn it.
Ignoring the odd glances from some of my… classmates? …I have some popcorn as I watch the live drama before me with Kawasomething.
…
"Plus, Yumiko…if you eat too much, you'll regret it."
"I don't get fat, no matter how much I eat. Aw, there's just nothing to do today but eat! Right, Yui?"
"Yeah, it's true, it's true. You've got a great figure, Yumiko. But I've got some plans today, so…"
"I know, right? There's just nothing to do but stuff our faces!" Miura said, and everyone laughed as if they'd been ordered to.
"Bwa-ha… That's just like the kind of hollow laughter you'd hear on a variety show laugh track. Where'd they hide the teleprompter?" I said so only Kawasomething could hear.
"Whoa, you're right…"
Achievement unlocked: Live And In Studio
Ignoring achievement-chan I hand Kawasomething some more popcorn. We didn't even have to eavesdrop on their conversation. They were so loud, that we couldn't help but overhear. Actually, both nerds and normies tend to get loud when they're gathered in a group.
From the middle of his court, the Prince of Sobu flashed that smile that everyone loved. "Don't eat too much and make yourself sick."
"I told you, I'm fine no matter how much I eat. And I don't get fat. Right, Yui?"
"Yeah, like, Yumiko has, like, the figure of a goddess, for real. Her legs are so pretty. So, I, um…"
"What? I dunno… There's that girl, Yukinoshita or whatever her name is. Don't you think she's got it going on?"
"Oh, that's true. Yukino's totally got it."
Silence… I take a piece of popcorn and I eat it.
"Oh, well, but you've got better style, Yumiko," Lady Peach quickly continued when Princess Ringlets went quiet her eyebrow twitching.
"Uh-oh, looks like Princess Ringlets care's not for the Ice Witch of the North. Her lady in waiting really stepped in it…"
Kawasomething holds her hand to her mouth so not to laugh out loud as her shoulders move up and down. I handed her more popcorn when she recovered.
Lady Peach's backpedaling was insufficient to placate the Princess's bruised feelings, and Princess Ringlets' eyes narrowed in displeasure.
"Well, I guess it's no big deal. If you don't mind going after club's over, I'll come with you," The Prince of Sobu offered casually as if sensing the tense atmosphere of his court.
That appeared to placate the Princess, who chirped, "Okay! Then text me, okay?" with a smile, and the conversation recommenced.
Lady Peach, who'd been looking like she was trying to hide, breathed a sigh of relief.
"A nice save by the Prince."
"indeed."
We enjoy some more popcorn.
When Lady Peach raised her head, our eyes met. I gave her a two-finger mock salute when she saw my face…she took a deep breath, as if having made up her mind about something. That's right Specialist Climb To fucking Glory.
"Um, I…I've got somewhere to go during lunch, so…"
"Oh, do you? Then buy one of those things on your way back…a lemon tea. I forgot to bring a drink today, and I'm eating a pastry, so it's hard to eat without some tea, y'know?"
"H-huh? But, like…I'm coming back when fifth starts…like…I'll be gone all lunch, so I kinda sorta dunno if I can…" Lady Peach hesitated, and in an instant, Princess Ringlets' face stiffened.
"Looks Lady Peach can't help but earn Princess Ringlets displeasure…"
"Yeah, that looks rough."
We continue to enjoy some more popcorn.
"What? Uh…wait a minute. Huh? Like, didn't you say the same thing a while ago and bail on us after school? You're not being very social lately."
"Well, that was, like, sort of circumstances beyond my control, and I'm sorry, but I've got some personal business to attend to…"
"Oh no… the actress playing Lady Peach just went off script and became some white-collar office flunky."
"Piff-…!" Whoa Kawasomething almost lost it… this is fun. I eat some more popcorn.
Lady Peach's explanations actually had the opposite effect intended, and Princess Ringlets began tapping her nails on the desk in irritation. The Princess's sudden explosion silenced the entire class. Prince of Sobu and hangers-on all dropped their gazes awkwardly to the floor.
The sole sound audible in class was the restless, repetitious tapping of Princess Ringlets' long nails atop the desk intermixed with the two loners of class 2-F as they shared a snack without any tension.
"I don't get what that's supposed to mean. If you've got something to say, then out with it. We're friends, aren't we? And you're, like…hiding stuff like that? How is that good?"
"Sorry…," Lady Peach repented timidly, looking down.
"Don't just tell me 'sorry.' You have something you want to say, don't you?"
"So this is the POWER of friendship that Hiratsuka sensei keeps telling us about huh?"
"I don't think that's right you moron…"
Princess Ringlets shoots us glare like she was an anaconda or something. She looks pissed with her snakelike eyes that practically hissed. Kawasomething's glare keeps her in check though. I really want to flip her off so badly…but that would just start a war, and this is the Corporal's fight.
As Kawasomething and I continue our snack. Princess Ringlets decides to completely ignore us and turns her attention back to Lady Peach.
"Listen, I'm saying this for your sake, but that sort of vague crap really pisses me off."
"Sorry…"
"That again?" Princess Ringlets snorted vigorously in anger and disgust. That was all it took to make Lady Peach wither even more.
Ok… yeah…this is starting to piss me off. You better get your ass in here now Corporal… I'm about to destroy your target.
At that moment the skill Hiki-Persona 8 fails and I sit up straight, a shit-eating grin breaks my meme of a face. Unlike when I'm fully under control and I turn off Hiki-Persona 8…the thing was suppressing breaks free just like in that fucking dream. The pressure and authority of a U.S. Army Staff Sergeant with five combat deployments radiates off of me like a storm.
The sudden change in atmosphere hits Kawasaki the hardest as she has a front-row seat to the REAL me. The already pale girl turns a new shade of white and breaks out into a cold sweat. Only her strong will keeps her from trembling in fear.
"Hold this for me and try to calm down Kawasaki."
She flinches, nods then takes the popcorn bag from my hand.
I feel two annoying gaze's on me from across the room but I ignore them as I stood upright with an assertive and correct posture to face the girls. At the same time, the Specialist turned to me with tear-laden eyes that instantly shot wide open. I nod to her and then focus my attention on Private Ringlets.
"Hey, what're you looking at, Yui? You've been doing nothing but apologizing," Charged Private Ringlets in a chilly tone, she follows the Specialist's line of sight and meets my eyes. Private Ringlets freezes as if paralyzed.
Hello there~ you're fucking with my Specialist I see. Are what my eyes say.
A repulsive sadistic smirk made its way onto my lips. Private Ringlets started trembling slightly and out of the corner of my eye, I see that Ebina has a nose bleed. It seems that in my unsuppressed state my expressions finally show up on my face.
Before I can march up to Private Ringlets to have a nice little chat about how fucking with my squadmate is wrong, even if she's your fren.
And just as everyone in the classroom is starting to sense the almost unbearable pressure that can only come from a pissed-off Sergeant.
A cold voice like the arctic wind cuts through the air.
"She's not the one you should be apologizing to, Yuigahama,"
Everyone's eyes were drawn to the door of the classroom, even though it was in the corner of the room. Much to the relief of Private Ringlets…my eyes were drawn to her as well and I relaxed from standing at attention to standing at ease.
You're fucking late Corporal and you still owe me money! No, I will not let this go Kyon!
Yukinoshita entranced everyone in the class. The only thing cutting through the silence now was the sound of Yukinoshita's voice… Oh and that of Kawasaki eating some popcorn as she seems to have also relaxed a bit.
"Yuigahama. You invited me to lunch and then failed to show up at our meeting place, making me seriously doubt you as a person. If you were going to be late, you should have at least contacted me. Am I wrong?"
While the Corporal was engaging in friendly fire I returned to my seat. Kawasaki handed back the bag of popcorn.
"What was that Hikigaya? …I mean you just got kinda… no you got really scary back there for a moment and you're still…well…different…"
"Yeah sorry about that Kawasaki, watching the specialist-…I mean Yuigahama getting picked on like that…let's just say it brought out the worst in me… We all have sides of ourselves that we don't want others to see… After all, no one in this world is truly genuine…we're all fucking fake."
"Ah, I see what you mean…"
I give her a small sardonic grin.
"Besides what if I just sat down and returned to the way I was…like nothing had ever happened…Kawasomething?"
"…No way, that'd be so creepy… That would totally freak me out, you moron."
"So Kawasaki, do you want to watch them fight it out, or should we just bail? I'm starting to get kinda bored of this shit myself."
"Yeah…we should bail."
Kawasaki and I nod to each other and putting the popcorn back in my school bag we both stand up. My eyes meet Hayama's who's been staring at me for a while…that fake smile of his goes rigid for just a second.
What? Got something to say, Lieutenant?
Ignoring him and the Corporal's little fight with Private Ringlets I follow Kawasaki out the classroom door feeling a chill on my back as I leave.
"Well, Kawasaki I think I'll go grab a drink and kill some time at a piano. Wanna come?"
"No, I'm going to head to the library now, thanks for the popcorn."
"No problem and thank you for hanging out with me for such a stupid reason. See ya later Kawasomething."
Kawasaki rolls her eyes at me and smiles a bit.
"See ya later moron."
With that Kawasaki leaves. I watch her go, damn if only she wasn't fucking sixteen. I would have asked her out on a date in a heartbeat only to be rejected. She is just that fucking cool, who cares if her hair color is weird…she even has a ponytail so I can't help but find her attractive. Haruhi help me, I feel so disgusting.
'Go~, if you want to~ I never tried to stop you~ Know~, there's a reason~ For all of this you're feeling~ Love~, it's not my call~'
'You couldn't ever love me more~ You couldn't love me more~ You couldn't love~, me~'
…Please don't troll me distraction-chan. Did Kyon put you up to this? Going out with Kawasaki as I am now really would feel like the end of the world.
With a sigh, I turned to leave for my nemesis the sports drink vending machine. At that moment both doors to class 2-F open as students flee from the room. I guess that they all had somewhere to be…
Yukinoshita walks outside. She leans against the wall immediately beside the door and crossed her arms. She glares at me with very cold contempt. As I walk toward her I can hear the Specialist having a dramatic moment in the classroom.
"So, THIS is who really you are… I didn't want to believe it, but seeing you like this… It's like I can almost smell the blood on you Hikisoldier-kun. Just the thought of all lives lost because of you is sickening… I can't help but hate what you truly are."
Damn, that's COLD! Why don't you just tell me how you truly feel Corporal? You really are way too fucking sharp. And what was with that thunder? Her words didn't need punctuation…fucking anime world.
I grin sardonically.
"So do I Yukinoshita, so do I…"
I walk past Yukinoshita with a soldier's gait. Haruhi I hope I don't run into Shizuka like this. I need a can of Max Coffee (energy drink) so I can reset Hiki-Persona 8.
Thinking of Shizuka and with this weather… Oh Hell yeah! I'm totally going to play Crying for Rain! Thank you anime piano YouTube guy I can still remember your masterful arrangement…
["The other me is dead~, I hear his voice inside my head~"]
["We were never alive~ And we won't be born again~ But I'll never survive~"]
["With dead memories in my heart~ Dead memories in my heart~ Dead memories in my heart~"]
With shoulders slouching and my hands in the pockets of my uniform like I was in the fuckin Air Force…I made my way to the special building as I listened to Slipknot from my smartphone.
After downing a can of the sugary crap that someone mislabeled as coffee, I was able to restore Hiki-Persona 8. I tried not to think too much about how this was all bullshit as I added skill points to it. Not going with the flow on this one would just give me the same kind of headache that a Windows user would get when using an OS by Apple. At least I don't have some shitty UI with a health bar and Max Coffee (energy drink) meter.
Oh, nice demo! Now turn that fucking thing off Kyon! This reality is already fake enough as it is…fucking anime world.
With Hiki-Persona 8 active I'm able to suppress most of the worst parts of myself that I hate. Which is totally healthy! Who cares if my facial expressions turn into a meme? Yeah, it's a little annoying, but it's so much better than a sixteen-year-old Japanese high school student that walks and feels like a fucking ex-soldier. Just how the hell would I explain that to everyone Haruhi?! Yahallo~! I'm Hikigaya Hachiman and I like totally was a child soldier~ who like killed a lot of people you knooooow~! Tee hee~!
Damn some of the Corporal's words cut deep…
Oh shit! I just realized that I'm becoming as fucked up as Haruno! I even have something more in common with her! Scary! That's so fuckin scary! Save me from this terrifying thought distraction-chan!
["So, when I got away~, I only kept my scars~ The other me is gone~, now I don't know where I belong~"]
["We were never alive~ And we won't be born again~ But I'll never survive~"]
["With dead memories in my heart~ Dead memories in my heart~ Dead memories in my heart~"]
…
Exiting the breezeway into the corridor of the special building I arrived to find the unusual sight of the Corporal and the Specialist standing stock-still in front of the clubroom door. I killed the music and took out my headphones. Just what the hell are they-…? Oh right, I almost forgot what was in the clubroom…
"Hello there~"
""Eeeek!"" Shrieking cutely and simultaneously, the two of them leaped into the air.
"What? It's like you two just saw a ghost."
Yukinoshita glares at me…her grumpy expression was just like my cats'.
"Stay back Yuigahama-san we appear to have encountered a Hikiphantom-kun, attacking its eyes may be our only chance to escape."
"Ha, ha, very funny Corporal."
"Corp-… Corporate?" Nice try Specialist.
"That's Corporal, Yuigahama-san. And don't call me that Hikifaker-kun, I resent it immensely."
I feel a chill as the temperature drops.
"Like I give a damn or maybe you could also stop giving me your fun little nicknames Corporal?"
Yukinoshita averts her gaze sharply when I look at her.
"Oh-ah, t-thanks Hikki…for like s-standing up for me back there though it was like totally scary…" Yuigahama said with a nervous laugh.
"Anytime Specialist."
"Spec—Special!" Sure you are.
"Specialist, Yuigahama-san. Just try to ignore what that thing says. It's best not to hear things from a ghost that shouldn't exist." Yukinoshita said while shooting me another look of icy contempt.
"And yet I'm still here Corporal. So why don't you just give me a damn sitrep?"
Yukinoshita just rolled her eyes at me.
"Why are you even trying, Hikifaker-kun?"
"Oh, would really like for me to stop pretending Yukinoshita? You know I found your words from earlier to be quite endearing."
Yukinoshita shuddered, as Yuigahama looked on in confusion.
"N-no, on second thought this pitiful little act of yours is far more preferable than how gross and disgusting you truly are."
I smirk at Yukinoshita which for now is something only she can read. I hate myself for starting to like her when she's only fucking sixteen.
"Pitiful little act huh? You really have no idea how hard it is for me to live like a fucking civilian, especially now."
Hell, at least back on Earth Prime I didn't have to play pretend with a bunch of high school brats.
"Yukinon, Hikki, just what are you two talking about?!" Yuigahama asked while looking between the two of us.
"Just a little inside joke between me and the Corporal. You can ask her about it later. So why don't you tell me what's going on Specialist? I'd hate for the plot to stall."
Yukinoshita arched an eyebrow at that. What? Surely you don't think I can keep HER away from Malachor? You should be smarter than that Corporal. She'll definitely find out one way or another in the Service (Club). I didn't call her a Specialist just for the fun of it you knooooow~.
"Huh? Oh, there's a suspicious person in the clubroom."
"A suspicious person, right. Anything you'd like to add Corporal?"
"Could you just go inside and see what's going on in there?" Yukinoshita ordered, looking sullen.
"A fine suggestion Corporal. I'll move in to engage the target. Corporal, you'll cover me. And you can take this Specialist. You're going to be in for a show."
I pull out what's left of the popcorn from my bag and hand it to a confused Yuigahama.
"Ah…thanks?"
"What's with the look Corporal? Just share with her if you want some."
While ignoring Yukinoshita who was pinching the bridge of her nose like she just got a headache. I stepped in front of the door and casually slid it open…
Waiting for us was a gust of wind. I swear it literally waited for the moment I opened the door…fucking anime world. A sea breeze blew through the room as it scattered sheets of paper about the classroom. Oi, close that window damn it, and stop blowing that battle horn Kyon!
"Heh-heh-heh… I'm quite surprised to see you in a place like this. I've been waiting for you, Hikigaya Hachiman!"
I facepalmed as the fluttering white papers make a mess of the floor. You're the one that's going to clean up this fucking mess AND move the table and chairs back Zaimokuza Yoshiteru!
"Hikigaya, he seems to know you…" Yukinoshita hid behind my back as she compared me and the interloper, a doubtful expression on her face. Oi, you're supposed to cover me not shoot me in the back Corporal. Like hell, I really know THIS.
He flinched for a moment under her discourteous gaze before immediately confronting me instead, crossing his arms with a low chuckle. He shrugged his shoulders dramatically, shaking his head arrogantly. "How could you forget the face of your partner? I'm absolutely offended, Hachiman."
"He's calling you his partner…" Yuigahama gave me a chilly look as she ate some popcorn. Her eyes were saying, All you pieces of garbage can go and die. Et tu, Specialist?
"Indeed, partner. You have memories of those days, do you not? We survived hell together many a time."
"We were just paired up in gym class, allegedly…" I couldn't resist retorting, and a grimace inspired by loathing spread across his face.
"Hmph. That evil custom is nothing less than hellish. Pair with whomever you like, they say? Heh-heh-heh… I never know when I might perish, so I do not forge such bonds… I need not another such soul-rending farewell. If that was love, then I have no need of it!"
His eyes glazed over as he stared out the window.
I quickly redirect two skill points from Feigning Sleep and Becoming a good guy in later arcs, to reinforce Hiki-Persona 8 before it fails again.
"Just What the hell do you want, Zaimokuza?"
"Hngh, you have voiced the name that is carved on my soul. I am indeed the Master Swordsman General, Zaimokuza Yoshiteru."
His trench coat fluttered vigorously, rustling as he stretched his chubby face into an exaggeratedly handsome expression and turned to face me.
Just watching him made my head throb. Actually, it hurt my soul more than it did my head, and Yukinoshita's and Yuigahama's dagger-like stares hurt even more than I'd like to admit.
"Hey…what's that?" Displeasure—or rather, discomfort—etched on her face, it was hard to tell as she was eating popcorn.
"This is Zaimokuza Yoshiteru … We're partners in gym class… probably." I forced myself to say, though it hurt my soul even more.
Yukinoshita listened to my explanation while she compared Zaimokuza and me. And then, as if satisfied, she nodded.
"This is what they call 'birds of a feather flocking together,' huh?" She reached the worst possible conclusion.
"Don't be stupid. You know I don't have friends, and don't make it sound like I was ever in the fuckin Air Force!"
The fuckin Air Force they all think they're so damn cool! How about you get your damn hands out of your fuckin pockets and maintain your damn equipment properly! I can still smell the burning jet fuel when the C-17 caught on fire as we were landing on my first deployment!
Shit, now I know what nightmare I'm going to have tonight…
I move another skill point into Hiki-Persona 8.
"Heh, I concur. We are indeed not friends… I'm so alone, hee-hee!" Zaimokuza smiled sadly in self-deprecation.
"Not that I care, but doesn't this friend of yours have some business with you?"
Before I can politely inform the Corporal that all my friends are fucking dead, Zaimokuza recovers while belting out an odd guffaw.
"Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, I nearly forgot! Incidentally, Hachiman, is this the place of meeting for the Service Club?"
What the heck was with that laugh? I'm starting to get tired of this shit.
"Yes, this is the Service Club," Finally the Corporal gave some covering fire at the enemy instead of just shooting at me.
Zaimokuza glanced at her for an instant before immediately returning his gaze to me. Seriously, why did people keep looking at me today?
"I-is that so? If it is as the sage Hiratsuka advised me, then, Hachiman, you are obligated to grant my wish, are you not? To think that we would yet be master and servant, even after all these centuries… Is this the guidance of the great Bodhisattva Hachiman?"
…Really Command Sergeant Major, why couldn't you just deck this guy? He's so damn annoying!
"The Service Club will not necessarily grant your wishes. We can only help you to achieve your goals yourself," droned Yukinoshita.
"Heh. Mm-hmm… Then lend your aid to me, Hachiman. Heh-heh-heh… This reminds me of how we once attempted, as comrades in arms, to seize hold of the land."
"What happened to the master-and-servant thing? And why do you keep looking at me like that?"
"A-hem, a-hum! Between you and I, such trifling details are unimportant. I shall make a special exception in this case."
Zaimokuza made some contrived throat-clearing noises in an attempt to cover up his inconsistency and regarded me as he had before.
"My apologies. It appears that in this era, the hearts of men are corrupted, compared to the days of yore. I miss the purity of the Muromachi era… Don't you, Hachiman?"
"No. Do you want to die Private?"
Hiki-Persona 8 is maxed out right now so I may end up killing him if it breaks. 'It would be all too easy.'
"Heh-heh-heh. I do not fear death. On the other side, I would merely take the kingdom of heaven for mine own." Zaimokuza raised his hands up high as his coat rustled and fluttered.
"Whoa…" Yuigahama was cringing, as she enjoyed her snack.
"Hikigaya, come," Yukinoshita said, tugging my sleeve and whispering in my ear. "What is that 'Master Swordsman General' stuff?"
Too close Corporal way too close. Such a cute face and pleasant smell so close to me, shit, I feel so gross right now. Thank Haruhi her words completely lacked eroticism.
"That's '8th grader syndrome', also known as Chuunibyou."
"8th grader syndrome?" Yukinoshita cocked her head and gaped at me. Stop being super-cute Corporal, you're sixteen and it's disgusting.
Yuigahama, who'd been eating popcorn this whole time was also listening intently, joined in the conversation. "He's sick?"
"He's not actually sick… I'll just brief you two on it."
I looked to Zaimokuza who seemed to be in his own little world and moved to the blackboard. As I drew stick figures on the board I went into auto lecture mode and began an in-depth briefing on 8th grader syndrome.
"I don't get it," Yuigahama muttered.
"That's why you should pay attention, just how did you get into this school Specialist? Here I'll explain it again…"
Before I could point back to a stick figure that went super-saiyan the Corporal cut me off.
"Hmph. So essentially, it's as if he's role-playing within a setting of his own design."
"That's basically it. He's basing his character off Yoshiteru Ashikaga, the thirteenth shogun of the Muromachi period. It was probably just easy for him to go with that because they have the same name."
"Why does he see you as his ally?"
"I think he's just taking the name Hachiman and thinking of the Bodhisattva Hachiman. The Seiwa Genji clan zealously worshipped him as a god of war. You know about the Tsurugaoka Hachiman shrine, right? The one in Kamakura?"
"I'm surprised. You know a lot about it."
"You shouldn't despite what happened to me, I'm still third in our year Corporal. At least Zaimokuza delusions are based on historical facts, so they're not as bad as they could be."
Yukinoshita gave Zaimokuza a sidelong glare, and with a look of utter contempt, she asked, "It gets worse than that?"
"Yes."
"Just for my own reference, what sort of fantasies are we talking about?"
Taking this as an opportunity to impart something that's important to me to the two of them…I make sure not to slip into Galactic Basic as I speak this in Japanese.
"Peace is a lie… There is only Passion."
"Through Passion, I gain Strength."
"Through Strength, I gain Power."
"Through Power, I gain Victory."
"Through Victory my chains are Broken."
"The Force shall free me."
In my passion I stared up at the ceiling in an overly dramatic fashion as I finished.
"How did I prompt any of that?" Yukinoshita facepalmed.
"So creepy."
"Words to live by Specialist, in any case, we should just be thankful that Zaimokuza isn't larping Harry Potter…"
Yukinoshita sighed, a look of disgust was on her face as she looked at me and then walked over to Zaimokuza.
"Yukinoshita, run!" Yuigahama whispered having run out of popcorn.
"I think I understand. Your request is for us to cure your mental illness, isn't that right?"
"Hachiman, I have come to this place so that my wish might be granted, as per my agreement with thee. I hath but a single wish to ask of ye, though it is a truly noble and sublime ambition." Zaimokuza turned away from Yukinoshita to address me directly.
"I'm the one speaking here. Look at me when I'm talking to you," she said coldly, grabbing Zaimokuza's collar and forcing him to face forward.
When Yukinoshita let go of his collar, Zaimokuza hacked away, coughing for real. Apparently, this wasn't the time to be in character.
"M-mwa…mwa-ha-ha-ha. You caught me with mine guard down!"
"And stop talking like that."
Her cold treatment caused Zaimokuza to fall silent and examine his shoes.
"Why are you wearing a long coat at this time of year?"
"Ahem-hem. This cloak is armor that protects mine body from miasma and is one of the twelve sacred treasures I have always had in mine possession. With each of my reincarnations, I change it to a form most appropriate for that body. Fwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Stop talking like that."
"Oh, okay…"
"Then what are those fingerless gloves? Is there a meaning to them? Your fingertips are left unprotected."
"Oh, yes. Um…I inherited these from my past life, and they're one of mine twelve sacred treasures, special gauntlets known as Overamd, from which I fire my Diamond Shot. 'Tis easier to use that skill with my fingertips free…and that's why! Fwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Stop."
"Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha…ha…" His laugh, which had begun as a hearty one, turned a little sad and wet sounding near the end. After that, he went quiet.
Then, as if she'd taken pity on him, Yukinoshita's expression did a one-eighty, turning kind. "Anyway, you want us to cure that illness of yours, I take it?"
"Uh, I'm not sick, though," Zaimokuza said very quietly, averting his eyes from her. He glanced at me uncomfortably.
Watching Yukinoshita destroy him in real life though entertaining as hell, made me start to feel bad for him. I decided to step in and save his sorry fat ass.
"Alright Yukinoshita, stand down you've destroyed your target. Zaimokuza you're here for us to look at a light novel draft correct?"
"Your discernment obliges me. That is indeed the draft of a light novel. I'm thinking about submitting it to a contest for new writers, but as I have no friends, I have no one with whom to seek counsel. Please read it for me."
"I feel like I just heard something very sad delivered very casually," said Yukinoshita.
"There are submission sites and threads for this kind of thing. Why don't you just post it online?"
"I cannot! Those people are without mercy. If I were to receive such harsh criticism from them, I think I'd die."
"But you know…"
I glanced to the side with a sigh. When my eyes met Yukinoshita's, she looked puzzled.
"I think Yukinoshita would be far more merciless than a submission site. But before that, you're about to learn how merciless and unforgiving I can be if you don't clean up this shit and put the room back in order Zaimokuza…"
"Y-yes…!" Zaimokuza cried.
Waking up in a cold sweat from the at least normal nightmare I had courtesy of the fucking U.S. Air Force this Friday. Nothing of note took place, aside from killing time with Zaimokuza's light novel draft in class and playing Harumodoki on the piano at lunch today.
"Hey! Wait, wait!" Just as I was entering the special building, I heard a voice calling out behind me. When I turned, I saw Yuigahama running up to me with a thin bag over her shoulder. She seemed particularly energetic as she came up to walk beside me. "Hikki, you look tired! What's wrong?"
"I had a nightmare about the time when the left inboard engine of the C-17 I was on caught fire, on final into Bagram…"
I shudder as I remembered the smoke filling cabin, choking me. I don't think I'll hang out with nicotine-chan today. If only that was all that had happened in flight…
"The engine exploded sending shrapnel through the fuselage, the pilots almost lost control which made for a very hard landing… It was a damn miracle no one got killed."
I stare off into the distance, the memory of a blur of metal screaming across just in front of my face is still very fresh in my mind.
That wasn't the only fun experience I had with the fuckin Air Force. Returning from my third deployment in another damn C-17 one of the engines just fell right the fuck off the fucking aircraft! Seriously fuck the Air Force!
Achievement unlocked: Come Fly With Me
"U-um…, Huh?" Yuigahama blinked.
Oh shit, I can't believe I just said that to the Specialist.
"W-well, it was just a dream. ANYWAYS you seem really energetic after reading that brick. Actually, I'd like to know how you could read that thing and still have energy the next day."
"Oh, o-of course. Man, I'm so tired."
"You didn't read it, did you?"
Yuigahama didn't reply to my question. She just started humming something while looking out the window.
Opening the door to the clubroom, I caught a rare glimpse of Yukinoshita dozing off. Man, I wish I had a sharpie right now, but the Specialist would have stopped me, so damn.
"You surprised me. That face of yours woke me up completely."
Yukinoshita yawned broadly like a cat, raising both hands above her head and stretching high.
"From the look of it, you had a pretty rough night, too."
"Yes, it's been a long time since I last stayed up all night, and I've never read anything of this nature before… I don't think I'll be able to get into this genre."
"Yeah, me either," Yuigahama said.
"You didn't even read it. Read it now, come on!" At my insistence, Yuigahama groaned and pulled said draft from her bag. It was in mint condition without a single crease.
"Good morrow." Zaimokuza entered with an archaic salutation. "Now then, let me hear your impressions."
He sat down in a chair with a thud and crossed his arms arrogantly. His expression had an edge of smug superiority, his face brimming with confidence.
Opposite him sat Yukinoshita, looking unusually apologetic. "I'm sorry. I don't really know much about this sort of thing…," she prefaced.
Zaimokuza's response was generous. "I care not. I wanted to ask the opinions of normal folk. Say what you will about it."
Yukinoshita replied with a brief, "Sure," took a small breath, and readied herself.
"It was boring. It was actually painful to read. It was boring beyond anything I had imagined."
"Gagh!"
She cut the poor bastard down in a single strike. Rattling in his chair, Zaimokuza was thrown back in his seat, but he somehow managed to right himself again.
"First of all, your grammar is all over the place. Why do you constantly put sentences in reverse order? Do you know how to use grammar? Did you not learn that in elementary school?"
"Nghh… I used a simple style in order to give the reader an impression of intimacy…"
"Don't you think you should be capable of writing basic Japanese before you think about that? Plus, there are so many errors in the kanji readings you're sticking in there. You don't read the characters for 'ability' as 'strength.' And how on earth does something written with the characters for 'illusory red blade flash' get pronounced as 'bloody nightmare slasher'—in English? Where did that 'nightmare' come from, anyway?"
Please don't say nightmare Corporal, it's giving me flashbacks. For the love of Suzumiya-sama, Shizuka is punching me again…
"Geh! U-ugh… No! These days they come up with distinctive names for superpowers."
"This is just self-indulgence. Nobody but you will understand it. Do you want people to actually read this? Oh yes, speaking of getting people to read it, it's so obvious what's going to happen in this book that it's not in the least bit suspenseful. And why does the heroine take off her clothes in this part? There's absolutely no need for it in that scene, and it's utterly dull."
"Ergh! B-but you need…elements like that in order to sell, um…"
"And these other sentences are too long, too verbose, have too many characters, and are too hard to read. Or perhaps I should just ask that you not make people read an incomplete story. Before acquiring some literary skills, you first should acquire some common sense."
"Gyagh!" Zaimokuza threw out all four of his limbs and emitted a shriek. His shoulders twitched spasmodically. His eyes rolled back to the ceiling, showing only the whites.
His overreactions were starting to get annoying, and I thought it was about time for him to stop.
"That's enough," I said. "Laying that all on him at once is a little much."
"I'm still not done, but…fine, then. So next is Yuigahama?"
"Huh? M-me?!" Yuigahama replied in surprise.
Zaimokuza turned to her and gave her a pleading look. His eyes were blurry with tears. Seeing this, and understandably feeling sorry for him, Yuigahama stared into space and tried to look for something to praise.
"U-um… Y-you know a lot of difficult words, huh?" she squeezed out.
"So cruel—ngf!"
"You didn't have to finish him off there…"
Those words were practically taboo to an aspiring writer.
"O-okay, you next, Hikki." Yuigahama stood from her seat and offered it to me as if making her escape.
Zaimokuza had already burned himself out. He was all pale, and I couldn't stand to look him in the eye.
"G-gngh. H-Hachiman. You get it, right? You understand the world I created, the horizons of the book. None of these fools can comprehend it, but you understand the depth of my tale, don't you?"
Yes, like some Hack I understand.
I nodded to put him at ease. Zaimokuza's eyes told me, I trust you.
"So just how many fanfics did you rip off here?"
"Bfft?! Gerk… eergh…" Zaimokuza rolled around writhing on the floor, and when he hit the wall, he stopped and lay still without a twitch. His empty eyes looked up at the ceiling, and a single tear streaked down his cheek. His message of Oh, I guess I'll just die was abundantly clear.
"You're merciless. That was even crueler than me." Yukinoshita was quite taken aback.
"Hey…" Yuigahama poked my side with her elbow. She seemed to be saying, You have something else to say, right?
I pull out a folder from my bag that's labeled The Service. I walk over to Zaimokuza as he finds his feet, trembling like a newborn baby deer. He smacked the dust off his clothes and turned straight to me. I hand him the folder.
"Oh, what's this?"
"Inside you'll find information on various websites that can help you with your writing, there's also a flyer for a free creative writing course at Chiba U that starts tomorrow. I suggest that you go to it."
"Will you read my work again sometime?" He regarded both me and Yukinoshita expectantly.
"Are you—"
"—a masochist?" Yuigahama, hiding in my shadow, cast Zaimokuza a loathing leer. It was as if she were saying, Die, you pervert. No, that wasn't his problem.
"You still wanna do that after having your book chewed up like that?"
"Of course. Your criticism was indeed harsh. I even thought that maybe I should just die, because it's not like I can get girls, and I don't have any friends anyway. I was actually thinking that everyone but me should just die."
"Yeah, I'll bet. If someone said all that to me, I'd want to die, too." But having taken all those hits, Zaimokuza could still say that.
"But…but even so, it made me happy. I wrote that because I wanted to, and I'm glad I could have someone read it and give me their opinion. I cannot say as of yet what I should call this feeling I have right now, but…having someone read my draft does please me," he declared, smiling.
I smiled back at him though he couldn't tell and put my hand on his shoulder in an iron grip.
"Now, you will report to me on Monday during gym class for PT Private. It's about time you lost some fuckin weight…"
"Eeeeeeh! But why?!"
The slow-paced melody of Everyday World resounds in the music room as I play. The second chorus is really challenging, but I managed to pull it off smoothly much to my satisfaction as played through to the song's end.
"That was beautiful Hikki…"
Caught off guard I turned to face Yuigahama who was standing at the door. A single tear falls onto her face.
"…W-when did you learn to play the piano Hikki?"
More tears came to her eyes.
"Y-you're H-Hikki…, right?"
As Yuigahama Yui's everyday world started to shatter around her, she softly began to cry.
Author's Note:
Am I not KIND~?! Am I not GENEROSUS~?!
Why of course Sexalonenious, Isekaigaya was always meant to be a soldier.
The hints were all in the pervious chapters, the readers just have to find them...
I'm gaslighting the readers?! Watch your tongue Sexalonenious...
You make it sound as if I took a Star Wars quote and ran it right into ground!
How go the preparations for next chapter? *SLAP* Sexalonenious! I'm not procrastinating!
It's not like I'm reading about a certain time traveling Sith lord or making a rant in the reviews!
Sexalonenious, why our story will soon be overflowing with new gar—CONTENT! We may even get some reviews!
My violence on Galactic Basic continues!
[App Fren-ly End Space]