Episode 6
~My Social Suicide Was Not As I Expected~
A few days went by, and it was gym class again. At the corner of the tennis courts, I was standing over Private Zaimokuza with my arms crossed like one of my former Drill Sergeants as watched him do the fifty push-ups I ordered. Unlike like the first day I made sure to turn off Hiki-Persona 8 after I got changed and stepped onto the field. I was for the most part letting my true self show, though I was careful to keep my command presence under control. Needless to say, Zaimokuza was now terrified of me, but to his credit, he still didn't avoid me… probably.
"T-twenty-one…"
"That right Private keep it up, Climb To fucking Glory."
Shizuka has been acting strange these past few days, well more strange than she usually is at any rate. Despite my expectations, Shizuka did not punish me on Tuesday. In fact, she has not engaged in any skinship (violence) with me. I feel a bit conflicted about this honestly. So far Shizuka has only been sending me what I'm sure she thinks are subtle glances at me. It's just too bad that she has the subtlety of a steam locomotive. It's already bad enough that she smokes like one. I'm surprised none of the ass hats in class have noticed. Then again the skill Human Observation is passive and dialed in at eleven. I'm a little worried that the Specialist will pick up on this… Damn, that would be super fucking annoying Haruhi!
Seriously, what the fuck is with Shizuka? Is she worried? I don't like it. My bailing out that window may have been a mistake… probably. Did she sneak aboard my ship to fuckin Malachor Kyon? I sincerely hope not Haruhi. It would really hurt her if she found out that she lost a student only to get a fucked up pretender like me…
"F-fifty…" Zaimokuza collapsed to the ground.
"Good work Private, you're done for today."
I nod in satisfaction as I watched his soul escape. W-why does it have glasses? Fucking anime world, I reengage Hiki-Persona 8. My shoulders shag as I stick my hand into my pockets. Ha! Take that, sports drink vending machine! I don't need your fuckin Max!
Fu-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Oi! Don't remind me about HER Kyon! I was trying to forget!
I feel a tap on my shoulder and I tense up, turning my head to assess the threat.
'It came from behind!'
A finger jabbed my right cheek.
"Aha! I got you!" The source of that cute laugh was Saika Totsuka.
That was too fucking close! If Hiki-Persona 8 had been off I could have seriously hurt Totsuka!
"Damn, don't ever sneak up behind me like that again Totsuka," I said with my eyes deadly serious.
"Ah, I'm sorry."
Huh? No way. What was this feeling? My heart was pounding in my chest. I felt like if he wasn't a guy, I'd have been confessing feelings to him immediately only to be rejected just as quickly.
Wait, I'd be getting rejected?!
WHAT THE FUCK?! Those thoughts just entered my head automatically! Don't tell me you can't see the sparkles too Kyon! Damn it! I'm not gay!
Fuck!
"It's ok, so what's up?"
"Hey. The person I always partner with isn't here today. So…maybe…you could do it with me?"
Hey, stop looking up at me like that. It's so cute. Don't blush like that. Hey.
Geh! Haruhi help me! Make it stop!
"Oh, sure. I'm alone anyway." I replied.
"Ack! So cruel!"
As I ignored Zaimokuza, Totsuka exhaled in relief and quietly mumbled, "I was so nervous!"
If you start saying stuff like that, I'm gonna be the one getting nervous here. For real, too cute.
Shit! 8man's auto-response is driving me crazy! Haruhi! Kyon! Turn it off! Turn it off damn it!
And so Totsuka and I began our rally practice. He was in the tennis club, so he was actually pretty good. My serves had reached an unparalleled level of accuracy through my wall practice, but he skillfully received them, returning them directly in front of me.
We repeated that hit and return over and over again, and perhaps feeling as if it was even becoming monotonous, Totsuka spoke. "You are good, Hikigaya." We were pretty far apart, so his voice was drawn out and slow.
"Because I've been practicing against a wall. I've mastered tennis."
Zaimokuza's PT doesn't last that long after all.
"That's squash! It's not tennis!"
We both continued talking in our drawn-out yells as our rally continued. Other students were hitting and then missing, receiving and then missing, and we were the only ones who kept it going for a long stretch.
Then the rally stopped. The ball bounced toward Totsuka, and he caught it. "Let's take a little break."
"Sure."
We sat down together. So why are you sitting beside me? I guess it's not weird. Usually, when guys sit together, they face each other or sit diagonally from each other, right? Isn't this kind of close? It's close, isn't it?
I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind! Oi! You're still in here aren't you 8man?! You are right?! Take back your fucking life you cynical little shit! I want to die!
"Hey, I'd like to ask you for some advice, Hikigaya." Totsuka pronounced, looking serious.
I see. He'd have to sit this close if he wanted to talk about something secret, huh? That's why he's so close, right? Please tell me I'm right Kyon!
"Advice, huh?"
"Yeah. It's about the tennis club. We're really bad, you know? And we don't have enough people. Once the third-years graduate after the next tournament, I think we'll get even worse. A lot of the first-years only started in high school, and they're not really very good yet… Plus, because we're so bad, it feels like we can't get motivated. And when you don't have many people, every member automatically makes the team, too."
"I see."
"So…would you mind possibly joining the tennis club?"
"Huh?" Why are you asking me that? I asked with my eyes.
Totsuka sat there with his legs drawn up in front, making himself seem smaller, occasionally glancing at me with pleading eyes.
"You're good at tennis, Hikigaya, and I think you can get even better. Plus, I think it will be a shot in the arm for everyone else. And…if you're with me, I think I can try harder, too. U-um, I don't mean that in a weird way! I-I just want to get stronger."
"You can just stay weak. I'll protect you."
"Huh?"
"Uh, sorry. That was just a conditioned response, don't mind."
I stared off into the distance. Please save me from this Haruhi… Please, pretty please…
Totsuka had been so adorable right there, I'd just let slip something I shouldn't have. I mean, he was just so cute! I'd been extremely close to just joining the club right there.
But no matter how cute he was, there were some things I just couldn't agree with.
"Sorry. I can't."
I knew my true personality quite well. If I joined the tennis club…, let's just say it wouldn't end well…
"Oh…," he droned, sounding sincerely let down.
I searched for the right words. "Well, how about this? I'll think about a way to help you out."
"Thanks. I feel a bit better just having talked to you about it." He smiled at me, but I could tell he was merely trying to console himself.
Well, maybe using the Tennis Club to get out of the Service (Club) would be fine, right?
"No."
That was the first thing out of Yukinoshita's mouth.
"You WILL let me join Tennis Club…" I waved my fingers as I tried my mind trick again.
"No means no." Her second refusal was even colder.
I told you this wouldn't work Kyon.
This had all started because I'd mentioned Totsuka's problem to the Corporal. I'd been planning to steer the conversation in a convenient direction, to smoothly quit the Service (Club), and then put on a show of joining the Tennis Club before slowly fading out, but she'd cut that option clean off for me.
Well, I knew she would, but it didn't stop me from trying to get out of this stupid club.
"I think Totsuka has the right idea about me joining the tennis club, though. Basically, we just have to give the club members a little jolt. I mean, if they get the bomb dropped on them that there's a new member, that'll mix things up, right?" I lied through my teeth.
"Do you think you are capable of operating in a group as you are? A creature such as yourself would never be accepted, am I wrong?"
Oh, she was right, as I was now, I totally couldn't. It was true that I'd probably quit, but also, just seeing the others having fun and chilling together as a club might force me to whack them with a racket. However, it wasn't in me to just give up a fight.
"Did you forget that I was in the Army Corporal? Surely the Specialist isn't rubbing off on you?"
Yukinoshita laughed in a way that was a lot like a sigh. "That's all the more reason that a thing like you should not exist, Hikiphantom-kun. I certainly cannot be blamed for having a strong, subconscious desire to avert my eyes from you. In any case, whatever you're past may be, what you are right now is a pitiful loner who can't even function in a group of high school students. It's pathetic really…"
"I don't want to hear that from YOU Corporal."
She ignored me completely and continued speaking. "Though they may band together against you as a common enemy, they'd only expend the necessary effort to get rid of you, making no effort to improve themselves, so it wouldn't solve anything. Source: me."
"Oh hooray…, Am I to hear another one of your past stories? Is this one from your time in middle school Corporal? Please, do tell me…"
Yukinoshita glares at me coldly.
"Yes. In middle school, I returned from abroad to Japan. Of course, I was transferring in, and all the girls in the class, or rather, the whole school, were desperate to eliminate me. Not a single one of them attempted to improve themselves in order to best me. Those imbeciles…," she reflected, and as she spoke, something like black fire swelled at her back.
That's right Yukinoshita, fall to the dark side. I smiled at her.
"Can you do me a favor and not smile at me? It's not only is it creepy, but you're also giving me unpleasant chills."
"It's a relief to hear you say that. Yeah, you're not cute at all Corporal."
Actually, Totsuka was way cuter than most of the girls I knew. What the hell was with that? Oh yeah. We were supposed to be talking about Totsuka. Though I'm always happy to see you distraction-chan.
"Is there nothing we can do to help the tennis club get better?" I asked.
Yukinoshita's eyes widened as she stared at me. "This is rare. When did you start worrying about other people?"
"Well, you know. This is the first time anyone's ever asked me for help here, so it just kind of happened." Having someone rely on you was a very pleasing thing indeed. Plus, Totsuka was so cute, so I just… A relaxed smile slipped onto my face.
"I've been consulted on romantic matters quite often, though," The Corporal said as if to counter me. She was puffing out her chest and speaking as if it was a point of pride, but her expression slowly darkened. "That said, girls essentially tell you about their crushes for the sake of deterrence."
"Oh? Whatever do you mean?" I asked hoping she'd fall deeper to the dark side.
"If you tell people you like someone, everyone else has to be careful around them, right? It's like you're emphasizing your ownership of them. Once you know she likes him, if you lay a hand on him, you'll be treated like a home-wrecker and excluded from the girls' clique, and then even if he says he likes you, he'll just take off after. Why do I have to take all that abuse from them?"
Yet again, black flames began rising from her body. Good, good let the hatred flow through you, fall to the dark side, Yukisithta… it is your destiny.
"So…, what would you do Corporal?"
"Me?" Yukinoshita blinked her big eyes with a pensive look that said, Oh, yes. "I suppose I'd make them all run until they died, do practice swings until they died, and play tennis until they died." She was smiling a little as she said that. It's so scary that she and I could think so alike.
While I was getting rather seriously freaked out, the door to the clubroom opened with a rattle.
"Yahallo!" The stupid-sounding greeting reached my ears. Yuigahama was brimming with birdbrain enthusiasm.
"We have a visitor today!" The Specialist yelled looking as if she had not a care in the world.
"Oh…Hikigaya!"
"Totsuka, huh."
He stepped delicately toward me, squeezing the cuff of my sleeve instead now. Hey, hey, you're not allowed to do that! But he's a guy, though…
"Hikigaya, what're you doing here?"
"Well, I'm part of this club allegedly… What are you doing here?"
"Today I brought someone with a request, heh-heh," Yuigahama announced proudly, pointlessly puffing out her chest. I'm not asking you, Specialist. I wanted to hear the answer from Totsuka!
"Well, like, listen! I'm a member of the Service Club, too, aren't I? So I thought I'd do my job for once. And Sai-chan seemed to have a problem, so that's why I brought him here."
"Yuigahama."
"Yukinon, you don't have to thank me or anything at all. I just did my duty as a club member."
"Yuigahama, you're not actually a member, though."
"I'm not?!"
Oi! You seriously forgot Specialist?!
"No. I haven't gotten an application form from you or consent from our supervisor, so you're not a member."
The Corporal was pointlessly strict about these rules.
"I'll fill one out! I can fill out as many applications as you want! Lemme join you!" With tear-filled eyes, Yuigahama began to write: application form on a sheet of loose-leaf paper in rounded, childish, phonetic hiragana characters. She could at least have written it in kanji…
"Hey, give her an actual form, Corporal." Yukinoshita look at me as if I just committed an act of treason, then reluctantly handed Yuigahama a real application form.
"So, Totsuka, was it? What did you need?" Ignoring Yuigahama scribbling away on her new application form, Yukinoshita turned to Totsuka.
Pierced by her cold gaze, Totsuka twitched for a moment. "U-um…you can help me…get better…at tennis, right?" At first, he'd been looking at Yukinoshita, but as he got toward the end of his sentence, Totsuka's gaze shifted over to me. He was shorter than me, so he was looking up at me, seeing how I'd react.
Hey, don't look at me like that… Stop giving me that look damn it.
Though it likely wasn't her intention to save me, Yukinoshita replied in my place. "I don't know how Yuigahama explained it to you, but the Service Club is not your personal genie. We only provide a little assistance and encourage your independence. Whether you improve or not is up to you."
"Oh… I see…" Discouraged, Totsuka's shoulders drooped.
The Specialist had probably promised all sorts of things. I glared at her. She was muttering, "My seal, my seal," as she rummaged around in her bag for the personal stamp she would sign the form with. She noticed my attention and lifted her head.
"Huh? What?"
"Don't give me that. Your irresponsible remarks have crushed this boy's slim hopes to smithereens." Yukinoshita attacked her mercilessly, but Yuigahama just tilted her head.
"Hmm? Hmm? But, like, you and Hikki can figure something out, right?"
Depending on how you interpreted that remark, it could have meant something disparaging, like So you can't do it?
And that was just how the Corporal took it.
"Hmph. You've become a lot more forthright these days, Yuigahama. Never mind that thing… I can't believe you would try to test me."
Yukinoshita smirked.
"Fine. Totsuka, I accept your request. You want me to improve your abilities in tennis, is that correct?"
"Y-yes, that's right. I-if I get better, everyone else will try harder, too, I think," Totsuka replied from behind my back. Perhaps he was overwhelmed by how widely Yukinoshita's eyes flared. He gently peeked out from behind my shoulder. His expression was fearful and uneasy. He was just like a trembling wild rabbit, which made me want to put him in a bunny girl costume. Isn't that right Haruhi? Don't act like you wouldn't want to see that too Kyon.
"So, I'm assuming you'll want to go with your plan from earlier Corporal?" A sadistic smile appears on my face.
"That's correct, I'm surprised someone with brain damage like yourself would be able to remember."
"Oh very funny, don't treat me like I'm the Specialist."
"Hey! That was mean Hikki!"
"So you were serious huh…, I'll start planning his PT over the weekend so he won't get hurt."
Totsuka's white skin went even paler, and he began trembling like a leaf. "A-am I going to die?"
"It's okay. I'll protect you," I said, patting him on the shoulder.
Totsuka's cheeks flushed, and he gazed at me feverishly. "Hikigaya…do you really mean that?"
"Oh, sorry. I just wanted to try saying that. Well, you at least won't die Private First Class Totsuka."
Totsuka let out a short sigh and pouted his lips. "I don't understand you sometimes, Hikigaya…but…"
"Hmm, you have tennis club practice after school, right, Totsuka?" Yukinoshita cut him off. "Then let's do some special training during lunch. Are you fine with meeting at the court?" She briskly decided the arrangements for the next week.
"We're gonna need a montage," I muttered.
'The hour's approaching, to give it your best, and you've got to reach your prime~'
'That's when you need to put yourself to the test, and show us a passage of time~'
'We're going to need a montage~' (montage~)
'Ooh it takes a montage~' (montage~)
'Show a lot of things happening at once, Remind everyone of what's going on~' (what's going on~)
'And with every shot, show a little improvement, to show it all would take too long~'
'That's called a montage~' (montage~)
'Girl we want montage~' (montage~)
'In anything if you want to go, from just a beginner to a pro, you need a montage~' (montage~)
'Even Rocky had a montage~' (montage~)
'Always fade out in a montage~' (montage~)
'If you fade out it seem like more time has passed in a montage~' (montage~)
Despite the nightmares I kept having of Private Wanderman. I completed my planning of Private First Class Totsuka's PT over the weekend. Of course, I made sure that if Private Totsuka continued to use this PT regimen; that it wouldn't fuck up his delicate frame. That would be unforgivable Haruhi!
Just like that, the hellish days of training flew by in a flash. And so our tennis program plunged into phase two.
Achievement unlocked: Montage
Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were already at the tennis court, warming up at the wall with Totsuka. Both were wearing tennis uniforms provided by the Tennis Club. The Corporal was dressed in white while the Specialist was in pink. I tried not to think too deeply about why the Tennis Club only had girls' uniforms… This was a fucking anime world after all.
At first, the Corporal tried to resist wearing it. After I pointed out that the Specialist was too chaotic for Private Totsuka's first practice match, did she finally give in.
Whether he was just bored or just feeling lonely, Private Zaimokuza ended up joining us at some point in the past few days. I made him change into the gym uniform and sign an auxiliary club member form so he could 'help' out. Right now he was working on some stupid serve or something. It was fine as long as he stayed out of the way.
As for me, I had just got back from retrieving a first aid kit for just in case. Setting it on a nearby bench, I observed as the Corporal and the Private First Class started a practice match. I was holding a clipboard that had a few more auxiliary club member forms, as I was expecting some more 'volunteers' to show up.
You may not know this Yukinoshita but the ahoge on my head makes my mobile suit a command type. I wondered if I wore a red tracksuit, maybe I'll be able to move three times faster… I needed to test that out at some point.
As I was beginning to get bored and starting to wish I could have a date nicotine-chan. Distraction-chan decided to hang out with me, so I found myself staring down at a column of ants, marching in single file, making a supply run.
'The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah~'
"Blasty Sandrock!"
I intercepted the tennis ball with my clipboard and returned it to sender.
"Ouch!"
Carry on little soldiers, carry on…
I turned to glare at Private Zaimokuza who was now rubbing the top of his forehead in pain.
"You look bored Private."
"Eeh?"
"How about you give me three laps around the field."
"EEEEEEEH?!"
"Move your ass Zaimokuza! MOVE!"
Damn you Private Zaimokuza! You almost made Hiki-Persona 8 fail! Just because I find Max Coffee (energy drink) to be somewhat tolerable now, doesn't mean I don't still fucking hate it.
As I chased Private Zaimokuza to the sports field, Totsuka and Yukinoshita had just finished their match. The Corporal went to rest on the bench as the Specialist moved to replace her. It was just at that moment my new 'volunteers' arrived.
"Oh, they're playing tennis! Tennis!" I heard the squeal of a chittery voice and turned to see a small crowd walking our way with Hayama and Miura at the center. They were just passing Zaimokuza and had apparently noticed Yuigahama.
"Oh… So it's Yui-chan and her friends," a girl beside Private Ringlets observed quietly.
Private Ringlets glanced at the Specialist and then me, she casually ignored us and called out to Totsuka. It seemed she hadn't even noticed Private Zaimokuza from the start. "Hey, Totsuka. Can we play here, too?"
"Miura, I'm not exactly…playing… This is practice…"
"Huh? What? I can't hear you."
Private Ringlets seemed unable to hear Private Totsuka's too-quiet protests, and her retort silenced him.
Private Totsuka scrabbled together what little courage he had and opened his mouth once more. "I-I'm practicing…"
But Private Ringlets didn't give a damn about that. "Hmph. But, like, these guys aren't part of your club. So that means it's not, like, just the tennis club is using the court now, right?"
Damn Haruhi, it's like she has a special talent that makes everything that comes out mouth sound rude. You think so too don't you Kyon?
"Y-yes, that's true, but—"
"Then it's okay for us to use it, too, right? Hey, how about it?"
It's so annoying!
"But…," he began and then looked at me like he wanted help. Private Ringlets picks up a racket and hits a ball at the net.
"Hey~, Hayato. I wanna play tennis already."
My initial plan was just to smoothly let them join. It was more free labor after all, and it wasn't like I cared if they played around or not. As long as they signed the forms and at least helped out Private Totsuka somewhat, things would have been fine.
But as all plans go, this one only survived to first contact with the enemy. Watching something on a screen and living it are completely different things. This annoying little bitch was bringing chaos to MY training area, which was unforgivable! I couldn't stand to watch this shit any longer as the ex-sergeant in me came rushing out, I snapped.
"GROUP! AT-TEN-TION!"
To my surprise, the group of high school students went to attention. Then I remembered that this was Japan, and basic discipline has been drilled into them at an early age as part of their edumacation.
That was a good thing too as it didn't require me to use even harsher measures.
In fact, the only two not standing at attention were Hayama and Yukinoshita. Well, one was an Officer so I gave him a pass. The Corporal, however, oh she and I were going to have some words later…
Like hell was I going stand for insubordination in my squad.
'Good soldiers follow orders', you knooooow~.
I mean look at the Specialist, at least she could follow orders damn it! But the Corporal was just standing there by the bench with a look of abject horror on her face as if she couldn't believe what was going on. Seriously what's with that look? It's like she thinks I lost my fucking mind or something. Are you mocking me?! Well, I'll be sure to bring her before the Command Sergeant Major when I'm done. For now, I'll just ignore her…
I march up before the Lieutenant's little unit and stood at attention in front of them. The command presence and pressure of a U.S. Army Staff Sergeant who was not about to take any shit crashed down upon them as I glared at them.
"Alright people! LISTEN UP! The Service (Club) in conjunction with the Tennis Club has jurisdiction over the tennis courts. This comes straight from the top! NOW, if you wish to volunteer, you WILL sign an auxiliary club member form, and you WILL assist Private First Class Totsuka in his training!"
I focused on Private Ringlets and she flinches.
"Oh, I see that I have my first volunteer…" I said with a hint of menace in my voice.
I move to stand in front of her and handed her the clipboard. She glares at me with hate in her eyes while biting her lip, she then reluctantly takes the clipboard and signs a form with the pen that was chained to it.
"Welcome to the Service (Club) Private Ringlets, I'll give you eight minutes if you need to change, then report to the ready line. MOVE!"
Private Ringlets hastily returns the clipboard to me, picks up the racket she dropped, and runs away as if trying to escape. I nod and turn to give orders to my squadmates.
"Corporal, go take the umpire's seat."
The Corporal just glares at me, like she has something to say. But I'm having none of it, as I put more silent pressure on her.
"Right NOW Corporal, we don't have all day…" I hissed.
With an ice-cold look of disgust that said she didn't even want to engage with me. She moved to her post while holding a hand to her head as if she had a headache.
Oi! What the fuck is up with her? I even gave her a job she'd like despite her insubordination. She literally gets to look down on people and judge them. I mean I was totally being kind, right Kyon? Well never fucking mind then, I swear I'm going to write you up Corporal, just you wait.
"Specialist, you're on first aid."
"Huh? Um o-okay, H-Hikki." Startled, the Specialist runs to the bench.
"Private Totsuka, stand by."
"A-ah right!"
W-what's with those stars in his eyes? Ignoring that, I marched right up to the Second Lieutenant. He stood there watching as things played out with that insufferable fake smile on his face, which was now strained. I noted the hint of caution in his eyes as I approach.
Really Haruhi, why is everyone looking at me like I'm fucking insane? These damn high school brats…
I answered his fake smile with a repulsive sadistic smirk of my own. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Private Fujoshi was having a nosebleed.
"Oh! Holy shit!" She screeched. The Lieutenant and I shot her an annoyed glance.
I rolled my eyes as I turned my head to yell for the Specialist.
"Specialist! Private Fujoshi needs a medic!"
"Wha?! Hina-chan! Are you all right?!"
Ignoring them, I refocused on the Second Lieutenant. I offered him the clipboard, he takes it, and I came to parade rest.
"Is everything up to your satisfaction …Sir?" I'll be damned if I ever salute this bastard. Hayama scratches his chin, still maintaining that fake smile of his.
He shrugs his shoulders and signs a new form.
"I can't really say if this was the best way to go about it, but I have no problem with helping out."
He gave me that winning smile everyone loves.
Oh, get a look at this Kyon, it's 'The Zone'. The fucking politico.
I come back to attention and snatched the clipboard back. I'll be sure to disinfect it later.
"I'll be sure to take that under advisement…, Sir."
"Piff—! Oh, man! Hikitani totally lost it! PIFF—Ha-Ha-Ha! I'm dying!"
Well Haruhi, there were always a few jokers in every deck. Activating Stealth-Hiki, Hiki Dancer, and along with a little technique that every Drill Sergeant knows, I practically teleported in front of the idiot.
As my dead eyes leered into him, Private Dobe and the two idiots behind him snapped back to rigid attention as I put the fear of Haruhi into him.
"Is something FUNNY Private Dobe?"
"N-no, sir!"
I arched an eyebrow.
"SIR…? Do I look like the POS that runs your outfit? The next words out your mouth WILL be 'yes Staff Sergeant' YOU GET ME?!"
"Yes, Staff Sergeant!"
"You seem to have a lot of access energy don't you Private Dobe?"
"Y-yes Staff Sergeant!"
"How about you help Private Zaimokuza keep pace around the field."
"Ah, yes Staff Sergeant?"
"What the fuck are you waiting for Private?! That was an ORDER! Move out God damn it! MOVE!"
"YES, STAFF SERGEANT!"
"Private Zaimokuza! You're SLACKING! Another fuckin lap!"
"—NOOOOOOO! SO CRUEL!"
"Climb To fucking Glory Private!"
"I DON'T WANT TO! —AAAAAAHH!"
My eyes run over the other the two extras of Hayama's group and I dismiss them out of hand.
"As you were you two."
If they fucked around, oh they would find out.
Private Ringlets returned to the tennis courts wearing a blue tennis uniform. Eyeing me warily, she stepped up to the court and it wasn't long before the Corporal yelled out:
"Begin!"
I moved to the bench and set my clipboard down and came to parade rest. Private Fujoshi was talking animatedly to the Specialist, what parts I heard sounded super fucking annoying so I tuned it out.
As the Private First Class and Private Ringlets faced off, a large crowd began to grow. I've hated large crowds ever since fucking Afghanistan, even if it's been more than five years, I still feel on edge around them. I ball a hand into a fist behind my back.
Unfortunately, the Specialist noticed this.
"Hey H-Hikki, are you alright?"
Damn it Wataru Watari-san, why is the perception stat with all the women you write so fucking high?!
"I'm fine Specialist, I just need to grab a drink, carry on."
I walked with a soldier's gait to my nemesis the sports drink vending machine. I passed by Private Zaimokuza who collapsed on the field with Private Dobe standing over him.
"Oh, man! Hikitani bro! I think he's dead!"
"He does that sometimes Private Dobe, don't mind."
"Dude, my name ain't Dobe, y'know."
"Nor is mine Hikitani Private, here."
I toss two 100 yen coins to him.
"Go buy him and yourself a drink when he wakes up Private Tobe."
"Ah, Thanks man."
"Carry on, Private, carry on…"
I stood before the sports drink vending machine, as it stared down at me smugly. I inserted a 100 yen coin and reluctantly pressed the button for Max Coffee (energy drink). Don't think you won, you fucking smug bastard…
["Winner!"]
The sports drink vending machine gave me two cans of Max Coffee (energy drink).
…
…
OH, YOU MOTHER FUCKER! I'LL FUCKIN KILL YOU! I SWEAR I'LL BLOW YOU THE FUCK UP!
I learned a lot of shit from my time in fucking Afghanistan! If there's one thing I know, it's how to build a fucking bomb!
Don't tell me to fucking calm down Kyon! This smug son of bitch is toying with me! Look! It's even laughing at me!
'…'
See! That smug fucker is still mocking me!
'…'
I am NOT fucking crazy Kyon! And just what hell was with everyone today?! Looking at me like I'm some fucking crazy person! I'm totally sane, right Haruhi?!
HA! Take that Kyon!
SHE. AGREES. WITH. ME!
What do you mean she isn't REAL Kyon?!
THAT'S HERESY!
Achievement unlocked: Crazy
"I'm not crazy damn it…" I mumble to myself, like a crazy psycho…
Oh fuck…
No…, that just can't be right…
'I remember when~'
'I remember, I remember when I lost my mind~'
'There was something so pleasant about that place~'
'Even your emotions have an echo~ in so much space~'
Oi, oi, distraction-chan? You're taking HIS side? You're doing that because you're frens, right?
'And when you're out there~ without care~ Yeah, I was out of touch~'
'But it wasn't because I didn't know enough~'
'I just knew too much~'
'Does that make me crazy~?'
'Does that make me crazy~?'
'Does that make me crazy~?'
'Possibly~'
Alright, distraction-chan you made your point, I'll even download the song for you, happy?
Why the fuck would I ever go to therapy Kyon? There's no way in hell that I would ever go to fucking therapy! Even IF I'm crazy! Yeah, fuck that shit!
I glared at my evil arch nemesis the sports drink vending machine as grabbed the two cans of the fucking Max Coffee (energy drink). I may put a bomb in you yet, you smug little fucker…
I move over to my inherited loner spot and feel a nice calming fresh sea breeze. I opened a can of the fucking Max and took a drink. No matter how much my body cries out for this awful sugary crap, I can't help but feel like a part of me dies inside, every time I'm forced to drink this shit. The fact that I now find the taste tolerable is beyond disturbing.
Hiki-Persona 8 resets as I down the rest of the can, and my shoulders slump.
In the distance, I could hear the annoying chant of 'Hayato Hoo!', what a fucking farce. Those damn high school brats, I can't believe I lost it because of their bullshit…
Wait.
Holy fucking shit Haruhi! I just totally lost it right in front of them, didn't I?!
I replayed what just happened in my mind and began to cringe so fucking hard.
Achievement unlocked: Sergeant Social Suicide
'What have I done?!'
How the fuck was that me fulfilling my destiny Kyon?! Just who the fuck do you think I am?!
Oh right…, I'm Hikigaya Hachiman…
FUCK!
I looked up at the school roof. Maybe if I asked Yukinoshita to throw this full can of Max Coffee (energy drink) off the roof, my body may jump off it to try and save it…
No, the Corporal would just call me pathetic, and it's really not in me to trick the Specialist like that… Also, it would hurt Shizuka if she killed me…
There's no way out, I'm so fucked…
Please just kill me now, Haruhi… Please, pretty please…
"Hey, hey isn't he the one?"
"Yeah, it's Sergeant Psycho…"
"Don't look at his eyes… Scary~"
"Piff~ 2-F has a military otaku~ that's so gross~"
"I feel bad for 2-F…"
"A cringe lord walks among us, salute."
"Maniac—, Bang!"
"Dude I saw what happened from a distance, man it was freaky, you shouldn't mess with him."
"Didn't he make someone run until they died?"
"No, I think that fatty is still alive."
"Didn't that guy like, jump out of a window?"
"Yeah~, that senpai totally jumped from a second-story window to the courtyard~, it was so creepy~ you knooooow~."
Oi!
"I heard he flipped his shit out on the tennis courts."
"I heard he was in some shady club."
"I heard he threaten Miura-san."
"I heard he ordered Yukinoshita-san around like was nothing."
"I heard he hit a girl with glasses."
"I heard he tried to kiss Hayama."
"No way! He's gay!"
"—Sssshh, he'll hear you…"
I can hear you all you knooooow~.
Well fuck, the rumor mill at Sobu is running as fast as ever, only now with me at the center. Private Totsuka is walking with me as we made our way to the Service (Club).
It's not like I don't enjoy his company or anything, in fact far from it. But with him walking next to me, I'm prevented from activating Stealth-Hiki which unfortunately is something I desperately wanted to do right now. Well, besides just dying of course.
When we finally reached the clubroom door, and because I'm not completely stupid, I knocked.
"Hey, Totsuka said he wanted to say thanks for all the hard work you two put in, so I brought him here, also I will be going home early for today. I'll see ya next week."
Yeah, I'm so fucking done with this… I swear this day can't possibly get any worst.
…
And then it did.
"AHH! Hikki wait!"
After a rush of footsteps, the door to the clubroom rattled open.
WHAT THE HELL SPECIALIST?!
Yuigahama stood before me with her uniform in complete disarray.
Apparently, she was one of those people who started buttoning her shirt from the bottom.
The top of her shirt was half unbuttoned, and her mostly white, light blue bra and the cleavage of her large assets were peeking out.
Haruhi take a picture!
There was nothing subtle about this as I was totally checking her out. I noted that her skirt was crooked revealing part of her matching panties as her amazing assets pulled her shirt up.
Super size me! Holy shit she was hot!
It was only after Kyon reminded me that she was fucking sixteen, that I averted my eyes. As I turned my head to look away, my eyes fell upon HER.
It was so much worst…
The front of her blouse was wide open, showing her pale lime-green bra and flat-toned stomach. The thighs stretching out from the pale lime-green panties that matched her top were slim and long, and her legs were still covered in her black knee-length stockings. She was slightly bent over and grasping her school uniform skirt in one hand. The skirt was just to her thighs as she was pulling it up.
"AH."
I froze at the sight of Yukinoshita in her state of undress.
Wait, are those B's Haruhi? The Corporal may have some hope after all…
"Just die…" Her voice was like Arctic ice, the coldest I had ever heard it.
As I was understandably distracted I completely missed the tennis racket that came flying at my face at a very high speed.
*WHACK!*
My vision blurred as I collapsed onto my back. Once again Haruhi proved to be all too cruel…
"T-Totsuka tell my wife I— Guh!"
"Hachiman?! HACHIMAN!"
I think I can hear an angel calling for me, as everything fades to black.
"Incoming!"
I shot up from the bed that I was apparently lying on and gasped for air. I began to breathe heavily for a moment before calming down. I could tell at a glance that this was the nurse's office and that unfortunately, I wasn't fucking dead.
Shit.
I also wasn't alone in here as evidenced by the beautiful woman wearing a lab coat with her hand outstretched and a stunned look on her face.
"What's with the hand?" I asked Shizuka.
Why is the nurse never in here? Fucking anime world…
I notice that her hand was near where my head would have been if I were lying down.
Shizuka brought the hand up to her face and she fake coughs into it.
"Ah I…, was just about to wake you up… It's getting late after all."
Sometimes you really suck at lying Shizuka.
"Is that so…" I said, mimicking my mother, while I tried to fix my hair.
"A-anyway I heard about what happened…"
Oi, that wasn't my fault! The Specialist opened the door! I'm not a pedo damn it!
Shizuka shoots me a mocking grin.
"I never would have pegged you for a military otaku, Hikigaya."
Oh, so you're going to give me shit for this too, huh.
"Well, what man doesn't love tanks and guns? And don't talk like you don't have the same kind of sickness, Shizuka-san."
"W-what do you mean?"
Wait, she really doesn't know?
"Seriously what's with the lab coat, you teach modern lit, not Science, and I'm pretty sure you're not a part-time nurse, so what's up with it? Do you think it's cool or something? What happened to the black blazer that came with that outfit? Why aren't you wearing it? You would look so good in it! Just take that thing off all ready! Wearing that lab coat makes you seem just as bad as Zaimokuza damn it!"
Whoa Haruhi, I must have been really holding this in…
Shizuka collapsed onto her hands and knees…
Oh shit, I made her cry…
"H-hey—"
She pulled herself up wiping the tears on her sleeve.
"—I'm going home…"
After saying that she ran out the door.
I looked at a side table finding my school bag, the clipboard and the can of the fucking Max. I thanked Haruhi for my foresight to put my uniform and cigarettes inside my bag. But seriously fuck today…
Author's Note:
So for those who care I left some YouTube music links on my profile page.
At least I did... for some reason fanfic got rid of it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, feel free to leave a review if you feel like it I guess.
My violence on Galactic Basic will carry on~
We'll carry on~
And though you're broken and defeated~
Your weary widow marches~
On and on, we carry through the fears~
Oh, ah, ha~
Disappointed faces of your peers~
Oh, ah, ha~
Take a look at me, 'cause I could not care at all~
Do or die, you'll never make me~
Because the world will never take my heart~
Go and try, you'll never break me~
We want it all, we wanna play this part~
I won't explain or say I'm sorry~
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scars~
Give a cheer for all the broken~
Listen here, because it's who we are~
[App Fren-ly End Space]