Episode 7

~Technically Dinner With My Fiancé Was Still Wrong~

Komachi made a fuss about the bruise on my forehead when I got home. The interrogation she put me through was intense as she forced the whole incident of how I received said bruise out of me…

Scary.

Dear little sister, you're fucking scary you knooooow~.

I made damn sure not to say anything about my recent social suicide of course. How she railed into me about what happened with the Corporal and the Specialist was bad enough.

Oi! You saw what happened, right Kyon?! That wasn't my fault! I even knocked!

After her tirade was over, I changed into suit-kun and went on a date with nicotine-chan, before having dinner at Saize.

Thankfully the bruise went away the next day after some first aid.

I spent my Saturday out shopping, as I now had several million yen on hand.

I bought all of the volumes of the holy texts I was missing. I also made sure to preorder the volumes that were due to come out. And because of my faith, I even got some Haruhi figurines as well.

I acquire a red tracksuit, some black fatigues, and a good pair of black tactical boots that came with a free JSDF t-shirt instead of a boot knife (living in Japan sometimes sucks Haruhi), followed by a few other things I thought I might need.

The following day I tested out my little theory and found that I did in fact move faster, though not three times as much. Maybe I needed to wear a pair of sunglasses as well…

There's no way in hell would I ever dye my hair blonde Kyon!

Seriously, what's with this fucking anime world?

I treated my parents and Komachi to dinner at a nice restaurant. We told Komachi that the old man got a promotion at his job for a nice cover-up.

Hopefully, my success as a songwriter will help relieve my mother of some of her worries about me. It worked for the daughtercon, after all.

When we got back home, I fill out my Workplace Tour Application Form and left it on my desk. It was a bit disjointed, as my desired profession and my desired workplace didn't match. Though I didn't care at all, and I thought my reason was solid, plus this was too good of an opportunity to mess with Shizuka.

So despite the nightmare that I knew I would have, it wasn't long before I forced myself to bed.

'RPG!'

'ALPHA'S GONE!'

"FUCK!"

I whipped around to the fucker that popped up behind us and shot him with my M4.

"Corporal! Call in fire support! NOW!"

'Black Drag—'

'—Sniper! In the open!'

'I got the bastard! Fuck! Ramirez is down!'

"Shit!"

After firing on the enemy position and launching a grenade at them for good measure. I popped smoke and moved out of the ditch I was in, and ran to Ramirez's corpse.

"Bravo! Cover me!"

I dragged his body towards the hardcover that fire team Bravo found while using the SINCGARS pack that was on the dead Corporal.

"Black Dragon! This is Red Three! Fire for Effect! Over!"

['Red Three, this is Black Dragon, Fire for Effect, out.']

'Popping Smoke! Last one!'

"Grid! November! Romeo! Eight-two-two-seven-one-six! Altitude eight five zero meters! Direction five eight hundred mils! Over!"

['Grid, November, Romeo, Eight-two-two-seven-one-six, Altitude eight five zero meters, Direction five eight hundred mils, out.']

"Three infantry squads! Dug in! Requesting smoke! DANGER CLOSE! WHEN READY! OVER!"

'Fuck! PKM!'

'Suppressing fire! Specialist! Don't let those fuckers use it!'

['Three infantry squads, dug in, requesting smoke, Danger Close, When Ready, out.']

I emptied my magazine at the enemy and continued moving forward using what little cover I could.

'Frag out!'

['Gun one, six rounds, HE and one smoke in-effect, target, delta one zero eight, ToF, three zero, over.']

"Gun one! Confirmed! Target! Delta One Zero Eight! ToF! Three Zero! OVER!"

['Shot over.']

"Shot out!"

Using the dead Corporal and a small bush as cover, I switch over to my own comms to get on our Platoons TacNet.

"Red Six! This is Red Three! Requesting reinforcements! I hav—"

['—What's this about reinforcements Red Three? Our Afghan friendly's already cleared that area…']

That fucking incompetent piece of shit!

'Shit! Webb's hit!'

"RED SEVEN! This is Red Three! Requesting reinforcements! I have CASUALTIES! Over!"

['Rodger that Red Three! We're coming for you. Just hold out as best—']

I heard the incoming rounds of artillery.

'GRENADE!'

Dropping my M4, I pulled out my M9, and put lead in the fucking bastard who threw it…

Then his fuckin AK went off.

I woke up gasping for air, and in a cold sweat. I got up from my bed as I shook off the phantom pain of the bullet that impacted my helmet, ricocheting right into my fucking left eye, before ripping the hell out of the side of my eye socket.

'Ironic.'

I really should've just died that day..., only that fucking bullet ended up saving me from that damn grenade by knocking me down on my ass. I still can't believe the Army gave that fucking incompetent piece of shit a medal for that clusterfuck, fucking politicos…

I went downstairs to the kitchen and notice that the coffee pot was on, looks like they needed to go in early after all. I made myself a cup, and automatically added a ton of sugar to it…

Shit.

I made breakfast and it wasn't long before I could hear a rush of footsteps that came running down the stairs.

"Morning Komachi-chan"

She was wearing her pajamas and her hair was a mess. Yep, you're the cutest in the-… Wait, what is that paper she's holding in her hand? Why is her look so intense?

'I got a bad feeling—'

"Onii-san~ who's Shizuka~?"

I spit out my coffee.

Oh fuck.

I was back in the consultation office, sitting on a black leather chair.

Immediately to one side was a window, and from it, you could see out to the library. A mild early-summer breeze swept in through the open window, making a single piece of paper dance. It was always nice to see distraction-chan having fun, but was it really necessary to play the theme to Forrest Gump? You're making me want to play it on the piano now, distraction-chan.

The paper fluttered gently, whisking toward the floor, fleeting as a feather on the wind.

BAM! A stiletto heel stabbed it like an iron poker. Supple legs stretched up from those heels. It was quite apparent just how long and shapely those legs were, even sheathed in a tight pantsuit. It takes impeccable style to pull a pantsuit off, and with that black blazer on, she looks so damn hot. Though I desperately wish she was in a business skirt that shows off those killer legs of hers.

'Oh, it's not passing fascination now~'

Those legs were of such balanced proportion that one might go so far as to call them an example of the golden ratio. And it wasn't just her legs. Her tight waist drew a gentle curve that eventually arrived at the superb mounds of her breasts. Her body line was perfect.

'It's obsession~'

And holy shit Haruhi! When she put her hair in a ponytail in homeroom this morning, she looked so good I almost went crazy! If I didn't know any better Kyon, I'd swear she did that just to fuck with me!

"Come back from space Hikigaya…"

'Uh huh, it's obsession~'

'It's obsession~'

'Uh huh, it's obsession~'

'It's obsession~'

"Pay attention! Damn it!"

Shizuka chewed roughly on the filter of her cigarette and glared at me with an expression that bespoke the suppression of extreme rage.

Just light up damn it! I miss erotine-san!

Achievement unlocked: Unhealthy Obsession

"Hikigaya. Do you understand what I want to talk to you about?"

"No…" I quietly played dumb as I looked into those lovely, grey, glaring, eyes of hers.

She began clenching each of the digits of her right hand, starting with her index finger. That alone was sufficient to squeeze a crack from her joints.

"You didn't just tell me that you have no idea, now, did you?"

Ok, kind of scary now… You're not going to engage in some skinship (violence) with me now, right?

But still, I'm glad to see her finally acting like herself after all this time. So I decided to ignore the warning signs.

"If you're talking about that thing that happened with the Corp—*cough* Yukinoshita and Yuigahama the other day, that totally wasn't my fault. I swear I knocked!"

"No, I already talked with those two and gave them a warning…"

She lets out a sigh and picks up the paper that was under her stiletto. She slams it onto the glass table. It was my Workplace Tour Application Form.

"We're here to talk about THIS! 'Desired profession: Shizuka's Husband, desired workplace: The Isuzu Truck Factory and your reason is: The person I want to marry has low impulse control and may have questionable spending habits. Therefore in order to support her, I feel that her husband would require a steady job with a good income. As I have serious doubts about her ability to manage her own finances or take care of herself in general.' Now, Hikigaya, just what the hell is up with this smart-ass application form?! If you don't give me a satisfactory answer, you'd better prepare for trouble."

"Well…, I don't see anything wrong with it. In fact, I think it's totally reasonable considering the circumstances. By the way, Shizuka-san, are you in debt?"

"I um, w-well kind— Wait! That isn't the issue here damn it! Geez… despite that little episode the other day…, just when I think you've changed a little bit, you pull this! And that's Hiratsuka sensei! You damn brat!"

"My motto is 'Stay on target', so." I gave her a little tee-hee.

"Shocking First Bullet!"

Thunk. The sound her fist made as it sank into my stomach was bland compared to her dramatic battle cry.

"Guh." I raised my head, desperately trying to reel in my departing consciousness, and saw Shizuka giving me an unpleasant smirk.

I forgot how much her punches hurt Haruhi! Yeah…, I'll be fine Kyon… probably.

"If you don't want to eat the Annihilating Second Bullet, you should stop talking."

"Please spare me the Exterminating Last Bullet." I wheezed.

Shizuka sat down with a creek, looking satisfied. She was smiling and looking somehow refreshed.

Hey Haruhi, why is it that she looks her most beautiful in only moments like these?

"S-CRY-ed is a good show. I'm glad you caught on, Hikigaya." She said lighting her cigarette.

Hello erotine-san, wait why are you waving? Don't go out the window! Come back!

"That a classic anime after all…," I said with a listless sigh. "Though recently I've been re-watching The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya."

In fact, I watch it religiously every weekend between Saturday and Sunday, just to not go to sleep… I was also careful not to sleep in class since I got back my memories of the Army.

"Have you seen it Shizuka-san?"

"You really need to start calling me Hiratsuka sensei in here Hikigaya…, but yes saw it when it first came— Ah!"

Shizuka squirmed on the black leather sofa while hugging herself, her face began to blush and she got a little bit of ash on her clothes.

"Oh my god, he held me!" I heard her whisper to herself.

Her expressions are so much fun to watch, I can never get tired of them.

"Is something wrong?"

"It's nothing, remembering that anime reminded me of a nightmare I'm trying to forget…"

"A nightmare huh. That wouldn't be the same one you punched me for? Just what was it about anyway? That punch hurt like hell you knooooow~." I asked still playing dumb.

Shizuka averted her eyes from mine.

"Well, I woke up with— ALONE. I woke up at night alone in an empty school, the one from that anime in fact. I couldn't get out or call for help. That was when I heard that disgusting song of yours. Not long after, a giant blue monster attacked, and I was nearly assaulted…"

"Is that so…"

"Yeah, but things turned out alright in the end. I totally kicked that monster's ass!" As she said that she nodded to herself in satisfaction with a savage grin.

What. The. Hell…?

She fought that giant fucking thing?! …And won?!

DAMN IT! YOU TRICKED ME KYON!

Just kiss you fool my ass!

She really is a damn shounen protagonist… That's it, I'm leaving.

"Well, I should head to club…" I said as I stood up to leave.

"Hey! Hold on a minute! Don't think you can just derail the conversation and leave like that! Sit your ass back down Hikigaya! We still need to talk about THIS!"

"Tch." I returned to my seat under her harsh glare.

"Now, really Hikigaya, just what the hell were you even thinking?! Are you an idiot? God, what if someone in the faculty office saw this? Tell me honestly, you don't have brain damage, right?"

A look of concern flashed in her eyes.

"No, despite Yukinoshita's best efforts, I'm perfectly fine… probably. Anyways if someone from the faculty office did see this form, I'm sure they would just laugh it off as a joke. I mean doesn't this sort of thing happen all the time to Tsurumi sensei? Besides, you're the only one that needs to take this seriously after all."

"I am taking this seriously Hikigaya!"

She is?

"Really? Y-you are? I don't know what to say…"

So she really was technically my fiancé… I really should secure the objective by at least giving her an engagement ring.

As if she'd read my mind, Shizuka flicked her gaze in my direction, exhaling cigarette smoke. Erotine-san decides to tease me, before bailing out the window.

"I didn't mean it like that, you idiot! …I understand your rotten, sordid personality. I just thought you'd grown a bit. Hasn't spending time in the Service Club influenced you at all?"

"The only thing that can truly change someone is live combat…"

I stared off into the distance, clinching my fists until they were white. My mind wandered back to fighting the sand people in the mountains of fuckin Afghanistan.

'I HATE THEM!'

Achievement unlocked: Attack Of The Cringe

I hate them so damn much Haruhi! And I also hate fuckin achievement-chan!

No, I don't hate ALL of them Kyon… The Afghan Commandos were cool as fuck, after all.

"H-Hikigaya?"

"This is Red Three, I read you Black Nine, over… —AH! Oh, crap, I was zoning out."

"Geez… You're so messed up, and you're not getting any better. You're getting worse… Look, just redo your Workplace Tour Application Form."

"Yes ma'am."

I pull the form in front of me and take out an eraser and pencil from my school bag. After erasing Shizuka's Husband, I wrote Marriage for my Desired profession. Nodding in satisfaction, I pushed the form back to Shizuka on the glass table.

"There, now there should be no problem with it."

Signing Shizuka stabs out her cigarette in the ashtray and lights another one.

"No, there still IS a problem here Hikigaya, Marriage isn't a profession."

"I wouldn't say that if I were you, it would piss off a large demographic, most of whom are women, sensei…"

Shizuka moved her free hand to her forehead as if she had a headache.

"You're committed to leaving it like this aren't you?"

"I like to think of it as having my priorities straight."

She leaned back in her seat as she let out a deep exhalation of cigarette smoke toward me. Erotine-san finally came to visit me!

"Hey…, why did you pick the Isuzu Truck Factory as your desired workplace? What happened to you becoming a Tax Collector or something?"

"Well, we're supposed to be in groups of three, for this right? Bringing the other two to the Tax Office would be boring."

"I'm surprised you paid attention in homeroom, Hikigaya."

"I always pay attention to my fiancé."

"Your eyes should at least light up when you say something like that damn it! Oh never mind… Still, why pick the Isuzu Truck Factory of all places, isn't it a little far?"

"If you're concerned you should come with us. As an anime lover, wouldn't you want to see how they make the vehicles that have isekai'd so many?"

She winced at that, odd…

"I should have known that you would have tried to pull me into this… If you can actually form a group, I'll consider it. Alright, you may go, Hikigaya."

I stood up and grabbed my bag, as I made it to the door I stopped in front of it. My mind went back to this morning, Komachi was very insistent on meeting this 'Shizuka person' and only relented when said I'd invite her over for dinner.

I still have no idea how she will react when she finds out that Shizuka is my teacher, as I only ever called her Hiratsuka sensei in front of her… It will probably be both parts cute and terrifying, right Haruhi?

No, I can't just lie to her, Kyon…

"Is there something else, Hikigaya?"

I turn back to Shizuka while scratching the back of my neck.

"Um, you see a funny thing happened this morning, my little sister, I told you I have a little sister, right? Well, she kind of got her hands on that form… and she got very insistent on meeting you, so you're now invited to dinner Shizuka…"

Shizuka went into a coughing fit as she nearly choked on her cigarette.

"Holy shit Hachiman! ARE YOU AN IDIOT?! How could you let that happen?! Just how could you be so damn careless?! Oh god, I can't believe this is happening…"

"Look, just try to calm down for a second, it's only dinner with my little sister, it's not the end of the world. My parents work over the weekdays, so they won't be home, you can always say no, you knooooow~."

Shizuka puts out her cigarette and holds her head in her hands. I feel just a little bit guilty because watching her like this is so much fun! She's fucking adorable, I just want to hug her damn it!

She looks up at me with an inscrutable expression for a moment then averts her eyes from me.

"Alright, fine…"

"Yeah I thought as much, it's totally fine, I'll just tell Komachi that you couldn't— Wait, what?"

"I'll have dinner with you and your sister, Hikigaya…"

Seriously, she will?

"Y-you will? Oh-ah, o-okay…, um, how about the day of the workplace visit then?"

"That's fine, just go…"

"R-right, I need to get to club."

After bumping into the door like a moron, I exited the room.

Yeah, don't know what the hell just happened too, Kyon…

Making full use of Stealth-Hiki, I made my way to the Service clubroom without taking any direct fire from behind my back.

That's not to say that there wasn't indirect fire though.

The school was still a buzz about Sergeant Psycho-kun, 2-F's creepy, gross, and possibly gay military otaku whose dead eyes showed no fear even to Sobu's Fist. Some even started calling me The Last Action Hero of Cringe…

No, I'm not crying Kyon… this hallway is just dusty… The words of NPC's aren't real after all, so they totally can't hurt me you knooooow~.

Well, it still wasn't as bad as that time in college when I accidentally made a small IED and blew the hell out of my lab station. I got expelled for that, at least no one here is calling me a terrorist…

I opened the door and entered the clubroom with my standard greeting.

"Hello there~."

Yukinoshita looked up from her book with her standard cold glare.

"Oh, you're still among us I see, how unfortunate, and here I hoping that your existence had come to an end. Only someone as immoral and inconsiderate, who lacks humanity with those vulgar, lecherous, dead eyes, could shatter the pure hopes of someone such as myself. Surely, it's not too much to ask that you stop existing Hikipsychosoldier-kun…"

Yeah, the Corporal is still pissed about the other day.

"It'll take more than a racket or a black limo for that matter, to actually kill me, Corporal. You'd at least need a truck…, probably."

I shook off the chill I felt after saying that.

Oh, come on! Is my death really a fuckin cliché Haruhi? Maybe a day trip to the Isuzu Truck Factory wasn't such a great idea after all.

I set my school bag on the table and went over to the blackboard. I wrote: Hint: workplace visit. My hope was to speed run this event. Like hell, I would spend more than one day for that bastard Hayama!

"What's that?"

"Exactly what it looks like, you'll understand it soon."

I got a little impatient that the Corporal didn't bring up the Specialist yet, so I decided to summon her.

"By the way where is the Special—"

The door rattled open.

"Ah! There you are!"

I swear she would have popped out as soon as someone mentioned her… fucking anime world. This was why I did my best not to say Haruno's name out loud.

Scary.

"Yo, you're a bit late Specialist."

"You never came to the clubroom even though a long time passed, so she went looking for you. Yuigahama did, that is."

"You don't have to add that last bit to emphasize that it wasn't you, Corporal."

At Yukinoshita's remark, Yuigahama huffily put her hands on her hips, looking quite annoyed.

"I went all over asking around, but everyone was like 'Hikigaya? Who?' It was horrible."

"I didn't need to know that."

Had she come just to pierce my heart with pinpoint accuracy? She wasn't even aiming. Damn Specialist, just what kind of natural sniper are you?

"It was really horrible!" For some reason she said it again, still looking put out and painfully reminding me once more that nobody at this school even knows I exist. Well, except as Sergeant Psycho-kun or The Last Action Hero of Cringe…

"Um, I'm sorry, I guess?" This was the first time I'd ever apologized for the fact that no one knows me. "But, you know you could have just said that you were looking for Sergeant Psycho-kun though."

"That would have caused even more problems!"

Yuigahama clasped her fingers together in front of her chest and began fidgeting as she wiggled them. "C-could you t-tell me your number? L-look! It's weird for me to go to all this trouble looking for you, and it's embarrassing… People asking me if we have a thing and stuff, and it's just…unbelievable."

Averting her eyes, she squeezed her fidgety hands poised before her chest tighter and turned away before casting one more questioning look my way.

"Sure, having good comms is important after all," I said, producing smart-kun, the Specialist pulled out her cell phone as well, all sparkly and jewel-encrusted…

"What the heck is that? A phone or a disco ball?"

"Huh? Isn't it cute?" It looked like a cheap chandelier. Yuigahama shoved her cell phone in my face, a charm that looked like a strange plush mushroom dangling from it. It was superbly annoying.

"No, are you a crow or something?"

"Crow! You don't have to be mean you know!"

"Corporal in the unlikely event that you need to contact me, you can get my number from the Specialist."

"May the day that I need to call a thing like you, never come."

"Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night."

"If you can't see this is cute, then your eyes are rotten," the Specialist opined. "Whatever. We can just bump it, right?"

"No, I have a smartphone, so it doesn't do that."

"Huh? Then you have to type numbers in by hand? What a pain."

"I don't need those kinds of functions. I hate phones, anyway. Here." I held out my cell, and Yuigahama timidly accepted it.

"I-I'll type it in… I don't mind. But wow, it's amazing that you don't even hesitate to hand me your cell phone."

"Well, there's nothing on it to embarrass me. I only get e-mails from my sister, Amazon, and McDonald's."

"Whoa! It's true! And they're almost all from Amazon?!"

Oi, do you mind? Don't just invade my privacy right in front of me, damn it.

The Specialist looked like a slow girl, but she sure could type fast.

"That's fast."

"Hmm? Isn't this normal? But, like, I guess you don't have anyone to e-mail, so your fingers must be degenerating, huh?"

"Well, for one, I've mostly worked with radios or typed with a keyboard and it's not like I never emailed a woman before. In fact, there was one woman I got e-mails from all the time…"

The Specialist dropped smart-kun, but as I was expecting something like this to happen I intercepted it. Safe… Still what the hell Specialist?!

"Oi!"

"No way…"

"Specialist, don't drop other people's phones, and do you even realize how mean that reaction was? You don't, do you?" I handed her back my phone.

"Oh, like, I just couldn't imagine you talking to a girl much less a woman…" Yuigahama laughed to avoid the question.

"You idiot. Of course, I've exchanged e-mails with women, women Specialist, just what kind of sad person do take me for?"

"Performing one's duty, can be cruel, huh?" Yukinoshita smiled warmly.

"Whoa, No need to knife me in the back like that Corporal."

"What was she like, that woman you mentioned?" Yuigahama asked indifferently, dropping her gaze to her cell.

I averted my gaze as I answered.

"She was a Major in the in the Army, a Battalion S-3, or operations officer, —ah, that's someone who's in charge of operational planning and training, Specialist…"

"—Erp, that's actually…" Yuigahama put her hand to her mouth like she was holding back a sob as tears poured from her eyes.

"Don't avert your eyes from the truth, Hikipathetic-kun. You need to confront reality. That was just your superior."

The Corporal was right, in the Army I had no time for anything like romance. Hell because of that fucker in Admin, I technically never got leave. And when I was out of the Army, no woman would touch me…, so I escaped into music and anime.

The reason I gave to Shizuka, about marrying her when I was seventeen, was a fucking lie. If I waited until I was eighteen, that would mean I'd be 'thirty'… That would make me a fucking wizard Haruhi!

That right meat-bags! I'm still a fuckin virgin damn it!

Achievement unlocked: Incel In Another World

Fuck.

In the end, my phone was returned with the addition of Yuigahama's number. And no matter how you looked at it, this was like the sender line on spam.

The Specialist went to her seat and played with her phone, I accessed Sobu's social media as well. Sergeant Psycho-kun and F-2's military otaku were trending, perhaps this would be enough to keep that bastard from coming?

However, the Corporal and the Specialist had other ideas as they started to summon the Second Lieutenant.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, uh…it's nothing. I just got a kinda weird text, so I was just like, whoa!"

"Creepygaya, if you don't want this to turn into a lawsuit, then stop sending her those obscene texts."

"Yeah, fuck off Corporal."

Yukinoshita, looking triumphant, swept her hair off her shoulders.

"Your vulgar statement is proof enough. Only the perpetrator would say something like that. You might as well said: 'Where's the proof it was me?' Or 'Amazing deduction. You should be a novelist.' Or 'I couldn't stay in the same room as a murderer.'"

"That last line is more like something a victim would say."

"Is that so?" Yukinoshita replied, tilting her head as she flipped through her paperback. "Then you would know, wouldn't you Hikiculprit-kun?"

"I don't think Hikki's the culprit, though," Yuigahama offered belatedly.

Yukinoshita's hand ceased flipping through her paperback. Her eyes asked, And where's your proof?

Come on, did she want me to be the perpetrator that badly?

"Hmm, I dunno, but, like…the e-mail is about our class. So…I don't think it's anything Hikki would be involved in."

"I'm in your class, though."

"I see. Then Hikigaya isn't the culprit."

"You're accepting that as proof, huh."

"Well, this sort of thing happens sometimes. I'm not gonna let it bother me," Yuigahama said, snapping her phone shut.

That was when it happened. After two short knocks, the door opened to reveal the Second Lieutenant.

"Oh, I just had a request. This is the Service Club, right?"

I felt his cautious gaze on me, but I ignored him as my attention was back on smart-kun.

I started to make some Full Metal Panic! memes about myself.

"Hiratsuka sensei said I should come here if—"

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I tuned him out by putting my headphones on, and shitpost. It was about to get M.A.D in here.

Distraction-chan was with me as I entered 'the zone'.

["We drop beats that'll crack your cranium~"]

Ma-ma-ma-mofu! Mother fuckers!

["Bring it on~ You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

It's ten years too early for you damn brats to start a meme war with me!

["Bring it on~ You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

It's not a problem.

["We will play along~ We will play along~"]

["Pop goes the plot and it's pandemonium~ Like I poisoned your sushi with plutonium~"]

["Radiate like enriched uranium~ We drop beats that'll crack your cranium~"]

["We pop shot on the beats we're rolling on~ You can make bombs but we'll get hold of them~"]

["Solder them and we're about to blow~ With a clock built from cubic zirconium~"]

[("You wanna go son~")]

["You wanna go son~ You wanna spar~"]

[("You wanna go son~")]

["We can bang the drum at your door~"]

["Bring it on~ You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["Bring it on~ You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["We will play along~ We will play along~"]

["What've we started here~? What've we done~? The outcome is always clear~"]

["The path is mutually assured~ Now what are you waiting for~?"]

["Bring it on~ You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["Bring it on~ You can bang the drum~ You can bang the drum~"]

["We will play along~ We will play along~"]

I won.

Feeling satisfied, I stopped the song and took my headphones out.

I demand a plain roll! was now trending at Sobu.

I noticed that the Corporal just finished her little tirade on the chain mails.

"Was there any— wait, this has to be about the workplace visit…"

Yukinoshita put her hand to her forehead as if she were having a headache.

"Hayama, you said these messages were about your friends, right? So who are you going with for the work visit?"

"O-oh, yeah… Now that you mention it, I haven't decided yet. I think I'll just end up with a couple of the guys from the usual threesome, though."

"Oh, so that's it. It's because we have to pick groups. I think I might have figured out who it is…" The Specialist chimed in, her expression was somewhat downcast.

"Could you explain?"

"Yeah, well, like, basically, he's got this group of guys who are always with him, but one of them is gonna get left out, right? One guy out of their group of four won't get included. Being the one left hanging sucks." She said this as if speaking from personal experience. Everyone fell silent.

"Then it would be correct to assume that the culprit is among those three?" The Corporal concluded.

The Second Lieutenant, who so rarely raised his voice, did so now. "H-hold on a second! I don't want to think that one of them is doing this. Plus, these e-mails slammed everybody in the group, you know? How could one of them be doing it?"

"Are you retarded, Sir?" I asked. "How much of a wide-eyed innocent are you? Are you an anime character or what? The culprit would do it to deflect suspicion, obviously. Though if it had been me, I'd have deliberately singled somebody out and said nothing just to make it look like they did it…"

"You're a terrible person, Hikki."

Hayama bit his lips in frustration. And Yukinoshita shot a glare at me.

"For now, could you just tell us about these people?"

"Tobe is in the soccer club, like me. He's got blond hair, and he comes off like a tough guy, but he's actually really good at setting an upbeat mood. He goes out of his way to help out with the cultural and the athletics festivals and stuff. He's a good guy."

"So he's a frivolous party type who has no talents aside from being loud?"

The Corporal's remark left Hayama speechless.

"Hmm? What's wrong? Continue."

"Yamato's in the rugby club. He's levelheaded and a good listener. I guess you'd say he's the calm, easygoing, and quiet type, and that puts people at ease. He's shy and kinda cautious. He's a good guy."

"Dull-witted and indecisive…"

Yeah, just like a fucking harem protagonist Kyon.

"Ooka is in the baseball club. He's nice, friendly, and always ready to help you out. He's polite and respectful, too. He's a good guy."

"Deferential and always worried about what others think, hmm?"

I was really enjoying this, Yukinoshita would make a great fuckin JAG.

"Any of them could be the culprit…"

After so many hits from the Corporal, Hayama had this awkward smile on his face like he didn't know if he should be angry or upset.

"I don't think Hayama's information is going to be very useful. Yuigahama, Hikigaya. What do you think of them?"

"Huh? I-I dunno how to answer that…," stuttered the Specialist.

It was time to end this.

"Well, I know who's is responsible for the chain-mails, it's quite obvious if you just think about it. In fact, I'm surprised both you and the Lieutenant—"

"Lieutenant?" Hayama whispered to himself.

"—haven't figured it out yet." That bastard was practically bragging after all, right Kyon? "Anyway, the solution to this problem is easy enough—"

"—What is it? As long as this ends with everyone getting along, I'd like to hear it." Hayama asked before Yukinoshita could demand the identity of the culprit.

"Sir, Since this is about picking groups for the workplace visit, just have those three idiots form a group or let them play rock-paper-scissors to form one with you."

"Would something like that really work?"

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Do I really need to spell this out for you… Sir?"

"No, now that I think about it that might just work, thanks Hikitani."

And so Hayama made a tactical withdrawal. As soon as the door closed, I turned to the Corporal who was giving me a look of vexation.

"Corporal, the one responsible is Private Yamato, I mean really, a fucking three-timer… that bastard is obviously bragging!"

"Only someone with a corrupt heart and rotten eyes could make the kind of connection. Though I can't fault your logic, truly it takes scum to catch scum after all."

"AH! How long has that been on the board?!"

"That's classified."

The following day I was sitting at my desk in class 2-F as we went into a short recess.

"Dude it was crazy on the tennis courts! He like totally lost it and I couldn't stop laughing bro! Then Hikitani went Full Metal Panic! on me! Hey Yamato, is something wrong bro? Did Hikitani go Full Metal Panic! on you as well?!"

"Ack! I can't believe we have a military otaku in class! That's like so totally gross! Seriously Hikio totally creeps me out."

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…"

"So where've you decided to go, Hayato?"

"I'd like to go check out something related to mass media or maybe a foreign-owned company."

"Oh man, you've really got a focus on your future, Hayato. You totally have it together. But I guess we are at that age, huh? I have mad 'spect for my folks these days."

"It's all serious business from now on!"

"Whoa! But you don't wanna lose your boyish spirit!"

"Scary… She was so scary… I want to go home…"

"Seriously! What happened dude?!"

Things were even livelier than usual. This was because Shizuka had dropped the bomb the day before that we'd be deciding on groups for the workplace tour at the end of the classes today. Though who'd be going where wouldn't be settled until the long homeroom for a couple more days yet, everyone was already getting excited about it.

My chin resting in my palms in a half-dozing posture, I hazily observed my classmates.

Looks like the Corporal already got to Yamato.

Ha! Get wrecked! You fucking harem protagonist!

I'd gotten plenty of sleep the night before and wasn't particularly tired, but having spent my breaks like this for so long, my body had been conditioned to fall asleep. And Haruhi, what a disaster that would be. A small hand flitted in a wave across my field of vision. I lifted my head.

Totsuka Saika was sitting in the seat in front of me. "Morning!" he giggled with a smile, greeting me as I stirred.

"Make me my miso soup every morning."

"H…huh?! Wh-what do you…?"

"Oh, uh, nothing. I was just sleep-talking." I swear I was thinking about Shizuka just now! I did NOT propose to the cute angel in front of me! "Did you need something?"

"Not really, but…I thought maybe you'd be around, so… Should I…not have come?"

"No, it's okay. It's actually so okay, I want you to come to talk to me twenty-four-seven." Wait! What the hell am I even saying?! Stop laughing at me Kyon!

"But then I'd have to be with you forever, wouldn't I?"

Totsuka covered his mouth with his hand, grinning like he thought it was funny. Then, apparently realizing something, he brought his palms together in a tiny clap.

"Have you already decided where you're doing your workplace visit, Hikigaya?"

"Yeah, decided to go to the Isuzu Truck Factory…, want to come Saika?"

When I called his name, Totsuka froze up. His big eyes blinked once, twice, three times, as his mouth gaped.

Ah, I called his name like I was still in Ah-Murica.

"Oh, sorry, I just—"

"—I'm so glad! This is the first time you've ever called me by my first name."

"So…," Totsuka began, fixing me with his puppy dog eyes. "C-can I…call you Hikki, too?"

"Hard No." Why'd he have to go with that one, the one with all the shameful, shady implications? There was only one person on the list of individuals who addressed me by that name, and I didn't want to add another.

"Then…Hachiman?"

"S-say that three more times!"

Totsuka grinned sheepishly as if my crazed request confused him. He was so cute when he was embarrassed that it was embarrassing me. "Hachiman," he said, staring at me as if eager to quantify my reaction. "Hachiman?" He tilted his head to the side, expression quizzical. "Hachiman! Are you listening?!" He puffed his cheeks out in a bit of a pout.

His mild anger snapped me out of it. He was so cute, he'd entranced me completely for a moment there.

"O-oh, sorry. What were we talking about?"

"The workplace visit, have you decided who else will come with us?"

"Yeah, I have someone in mind." I look over at a certain PMC who was staring out the window. As for Hayama, yeah fuck that guy. "In fact, I'll go put our names on the board, I'll see ya later Saika."

"Ok Hachiman."

I engaged Stealth-Hiki and walked up to the blackboard. Under Group E, I wrote: Hikigaya, Totsuka, and Kawasomething, and called back behind me.

"Yo Kawasomething, you're with me and Totsuka."

"Huh? Wait, what?"

I turn to face her.

"You don't have a group yet right?"

"Well…,"

She probably didn't want to say out loud how she was planning to ditch this event.

"Then come with us, we're going to the Isuzu Truck Factory to see some robots build trucks. It'll be fun Kawasomething."

"Fine whatever… Hey! Write my name right, you moron."

"My bad, we'll talk about details in homeroom."

I fixed Kawasomething's name and went back to my desk. An unwelcome visitor came before me.

"Mind if I sit here?"

I ignored him.

"Thanks to you, everything's all good now."

I continue to ignore him.

"They were really surprised when I said I wouldn't be in a group with any of them. Well, I just this hope gives them a chance to become closer as friends. Hikitani-kun, you don't have a group yet, right?"

Oi! take a hint damn it, maybe he'll understand if I speak Canadian.

"Aye~ guy~, I'm sorry friend~ but I'm already in a group, buddy~, so you'll have to find another group guy~. And look here buddy~, I'm not your friend~, guy~. So fuck off buddy~."

That fake smile on his face cracked.

"A-ah I see, well thanks again Hikitani-kun."

With that, he finally fucked off and left.

Shizuka, Totsuka, Kawasomething, and I met up at the station dressed in our school uniforms with Shizuka looking as hot as ever wearing her tight black pantsuit, now with a blazer.

We took the hour-and-a-half train ride to Fujisawa. As I had handled the logistics for the trip, a van was waiting for us when we got there. A short ride later, we entered the Isuzu Truck Factory and began our tour.

With hard hats on, we walked along the assembly line watching the robots and personnel at work. It was pretty fucking cool. At the end of the line, they even let Shizuka test drive one of the new trucks. She really enjoyed that and we all had a lot of fun. It was a great tour when all was said and done.

In fact, the only thing that I found annoying was the flash of a memory that contained a black eye patch and beret in a pool of blood, when I saw the finished product (So it was truck-kun, huh).

I swear sometimes I feel like I'm in some shitty fanfic and some Hack added that in as a lame attempt for dramatic effect or something.

Was it you Haruhi? Playing with someone's life like that is wrong you knooooow~. Seriously, if it's her, you need to stop her Kyon.

Well, I was ready for something like that of course, so I was able to ignore it.

The only thing I don't get is why the black beret.

The eye patch I understand, but why would I wear the beret? I wouldn't wear that unless I was in uniform, and had no reason to wear one… Well, not unless I was in my Dress Blues to attend a—

Fuck.

I died on my way to a funeral. That's such a fucking cliché Haruhi!

Achievement unlocked: Going To Your Funeral

"Alright, that concludes the workplace visit, stay safe on your way home. And stop spacing out Hikigaya."

"Then… I'll see you next week Hachiman."

"Yeah, see ya Saika."

"Thanks for the invite. That was fun…, later moron."

"Later Kawasomething."

I watched as the two faded from sight, then made my way to the Chiba station parking lot.

I found Shizuka smoking a cigarette with sunglasses on while leaning against her Red 2005 Aston Martin V8 Vantage. Not gonna lie, in that moment she looked sexy as hell. I pulled out smart-kun and took a picture of her. I immediately set it as my background.

Putting smart-kun away, I walked right up to her as she put her cigarette out.

"Nice car, does it go three times as fast as well?"

She grins at that.

"I wish my beloved steed was that fast, even so: This is no Zaku, boy! No Zaku!"

We high-fived over our Gundam connection.

"So how much debt are you in?"

"It's still a little over eleven million yen— AH!"

Shizuka put a hand over her mouth as her eyes went wide. She looked really nervous right now, she was so damn cute.

Still, eleven million yen huh. Damn, that was more than a quarter, no after taxes that was more than half my advance. Even so…

"It's not a problem."

Her hand falls to her side as a goofy smile appears on her face. Ok, she was a little less cute now, but still cute.

"It's not a problem he says…, of course IT'S a problem Hikigaya! It's eleven million yen damn it! Look, this isn't the time or the place for this, just get in the car, you idiot! Oh, and stop making those memes! The student council actually thought the demand for plain rolls was real!"

Though you say that you're still smiling you knooooow~.

"Roger Roger."

"Piff—."

There was a companionable silence in the car as we drove to my house. And thanks to the way she drove, we arrived in no time at all. Damn, it really was a nice car, definitely no Zaku. Yeah, I really want to drive it too, Kyon.

We alighted from the car in front of my house, and I began to feel a bit nervous.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this? We could just get some ramen or something you knooooow~."

"What, not confident in your cooking Hachiman? And stop saying 'you know' like that, it doesn't suit you at all."

"Says the woman who wore a lab coat…"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"I said that blazer really suits you, In fact, it looks good on you Shizuka."

Shizuka took off her sunglasses and smiled at me.

"I know right, it does look great on me, doesn't it? Now, quit stalling and invite me in already you idiot."

"O-okay."

And so we entered the Hikigaya household.

"I'm Home."

Komachi still in her school uniform came rushing down the hall to greet us, as we change into slippers at the door. I notice that her eyes went wide for a moment when she first saw Shizuka, and then she started to act like Haruno.

Scary… Komachi-chan you're scaring your brother you knooooow~. She was still the cutest in the world though.

"Welcome home onii-san~! And this is~…?"

"Komachi-chan this is Hiratsuka Shizuka my…, fiancé?"

Komachi tilted her head at this, and Shizuka facepalmed. I just couldn't introduce Shizuka as my teacher to my little sister like this after all.

"Hello, I'm Hiratsuka Shizuka and…, while I'm technically his fiancé, I haven't really decided if I'm going to marry him yet."

"Hello~, I'm Hikigaya Komachi, I'm so sorry that my onii-san has caused SO much trouble Hiratsuka-san~. Thank you so much for taking care of him~. Onii-san is a good person…, so please continue to look after him."

"Now Komachi-chan, before you get any crazy ideas I need to make one thing absolutely clear to you. Shizuka-san and I are not dating. We are not in that kind of relationship; this is a proposal of marriage and nothing more. And this dinner is only so you could meet her, it is NOT a date."

This was already borderline illegal as it was.

"But don't you love her onii-san~?"

"Komachi-chan, love has nothing to do with marriage it's— Ouch!"

Shizuka punched me hard in the shoulder and glared at me.

"Onii-san~…"

But love really does have nothing to do with marriage though, that's something else entirely, right Kyon? It's completely different right Kyon? Kyon?

Besides, what is love? Lady don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. There are other forms of skinship than violence you knooooow~.

"W-well I wouldn't ask her to marry me if I didn't at least like her."

"I apologize for my idiot of a brother."

"It's fine. I understand that rotten, sordid personality of his, very well."

"Komachi-chan why don't you show Shizuka-san inside so I can start preparing dinner."

"Okay onii-san~. Please come inside Hiratsuka-san~."

"Thank you for having me."

After removing my school blazer I entered the kitchen and started cooking, while Shizuka and Komachi sat in the living room talking quietly. Though I couldn't hear what they were saying, I didn't need the force to know it was me they were talking about.

Girl talk. Scary~…

Before long Komachi entered the kitchen to set out some tea.

"Hey~, hey~, onii-san~. Hiratsuka-san is your teacher Hiratsuka sensei isn't she?"

I avoided her sharp eye gaze and simply nodded.

"Really onii-san just what were you even thinking?! How could you propose to your homeroom teacher of all things?! Are you insane onii-san~?! There's no way this could workout, you know that right onii-san~?!"

"Look, things just kinda happened Komachi-chan. I'm not even sure how things got to this point honestly. I was expecting her to reject me from day one you knooooow~. I mean half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. This onii-san of yours is an idiot who only knows how to move forward after all. Besides a marriage between Shizuka and I would be perfectly legal. I doubt our parents will really say anything, they might even feel relieved. And isn't she nice? Wouldn't you like someone as nice and pretty as her as your onee-san?"

"Yes she is a very nice person, in fact, I think she's honestly too good for you onii-san~. And it's true that I'd like an older sister at some point, but isn't she a little too old~? Won't that be a problem onii-san~?"

"PLEASE don't mention her age in front of her, she's sensitive about that, just try to treat her like she's seventeen ok, she'd like that. Now listen to me Komachi-chan, onii-san hasn't lost any of HIS memories, so believe me when I say; IF by some miracle your onii-san got a girlfriend in high school, he would still end up marring Hiratsuka Shizuka. That woman is probably the only one your onii-san could be in a stable relationship with. Do you really think your onii-san could honestly have a normal relationship with someone else? I'm telling you he would end up with her or alone… Komachi-chan."

"Ah!" Komachi's eyes went wide at that.

"As for our age difference, It's not a problem. In fact, I'm technically older than her."

"Ack! You didn't need to tell me that oji-san~."

"Geh, I'm not THAT old Komachi-chan…"

Not long after I sat down next to Shizuka with Komachi sitting across from her as we enjoyed the meal together. Komachi seem to have really warmed up to her from whatever conversation they had in the living room.

For the dinner itself, I decided to keep things simple. We started with a salad, followed by steak with sautéed mushrooms and a baked potato. The dessert would be Chocolate Mousse. I served Shizuka a glass of red wine because I thought she could use the drink.

And so as we ate I let the two of them talk, sometimes it's best for a man to stay quiet after all.

"That was Amazing! You're really good at cooking Hachiman."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I'll take care of the dishes onii-san~. And that was really good~. Once again thank you for taking care of my problematic brother and for having dinner with us, Hiratsuka sensei."

"Not at all, thank you for inviting me Komachi-chan, feel free to call me anytime if you need to talk."

"Komachi-chan I'm going to see her out."

"Okay~ onii-san~."

Komachi started to clear away the table as Shizuka and I made our way to the front door.

"Your little sister is sharp, she immediately caught onto the fact that I was your teacher. Did she give you any indication about how she's taking this?"

"She seems to really like you, though in the kitchen, she called me insane for proposing to you and she said that you're too good for me."

"Piff-ha! She's right you know! Still, I feel like I must be going crazy myself…"

"No, you're just insanely beautiful."

"Would it kill you to put a bit more enthusiasm when you shamelessly say those kinds of things to me?"

At that moment the front door opened.

It was a ghost! Wait no! Oh shit! It's my mother! She's home early!

My mother stood in the entrance and stared at the two of us who were now frozen.

"…"

"Ah, welcome home oka-san, um this is my homeroom teacher Hiratsuka Shizuka sensei. She was kind enough to give me a ride home from Chiba station after the workplace visit, so I invited her to join us for dinner as thanks and was just seeing her out. Hiratsuka sensei this is my mother Hikigaya Rin."

I did my best not to lie to her, as I couldn't get a read on this droid of a woman, at all.

"Hello, I'm Hiratsuka Shizuka, you're son's homeroom teacher, and it's so nice to meet you Hikigaya-san."

My mother nodded, made a polite bow, then changed out of her shoes and entered the house, ghosting right past us.

"Welcome home oka-san~."

Good, Komachi intercepted her.

"W-was that alright?"

"It's fine, that was a totally normal response for her (probably). Um, I'll walk you to your car."

We put our shoes on, and I escorted Shizuka out to her car.

"Geez, that scared me for a moment there. Thanks for inviting me over Hachiman that was a very good dinner."

"Hold on a moment Shizuka. Here, this is for you."

I tossed her the small box that was burning a hole in my pocket, and Shizuka catches it automatically.

"Just what— OH MY GOD!"

Shizuka stared at the box in her hand like it was a live grenade. Unable to hold herself back, she opened it with an unsteady hand. What she found inside was a five hundred thousand yen platinum engagement ring.

Author's Note:

Fu-ha-ha-ha-ha! FU-HA-HA-HA-HA!

You're about to get Haruno'd in the next chapter!

FU-HA-HA-*cough!* *cough!*

[App Fren-ly End Space]