Episode 8

~My Encounter With Haruno Is Wrong, As I Expected~

Achievement unlocked: A Grenade For Your Fiancé

With her mouth agape, Shizuka stared wide-eyed in shock at the ring in the box. She slowly brought her hand to cover her mouth as her cheeks turned a shade of rosy pink. She stood like that for what seemed like an endless moment, before closing the small black box with a chick.

Before I knew it Shizuka rushed up to me, grabbed me with one hand by my uniform shirt right where my tie would have been, and started to shake me violently back and forth.

'In this world~, it's just us~ You know it's not the same as it was~ As it was~, as it was~ You know it's not the same~'

Ah, I don't think that's the right song for this distraction-chan…

To an outside observer, we must look like a shady loan shark and her deadbeat client. It was certainly not the look of a man who just gave his fiancé an engagement ring.

"JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! ARE TRYING TO KILL ME?! YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART-ATTACK YOU DAMN BRAT!"

'You~ will squeeze~ the life out of me~'

Could you not throttle me like I'm the internet Shizuka? Oi! Oi! My feet aren't touching the ground anymore you knooooow~!

'Bury it~ I won't let you bury it~ I won't let you smother it~ I won't let you murder it~'

I clasped the upper part of her arm that was still violently shaking me like a ragdoll.

"In what world could you possibly think just casually tossing me something like THAT would, in any way, be a good idea?! Hyan?!" She said glaring at me with those lovely grey eyes. Is this how I die Haruhi?

'And our time is running out~ And our time is running out~'

"This is a consular ship… we're on a diplomatic mission…" I wheezed.

She really knew how to leave a guy breathless, especially when she smirks like that.

"If this is a consular ship, where is the Ambassador? Damn it! This isn't the time for Star Wars you idiot!"

She finally drops me as she moves her hand to the top of her forehead. She still had the ring clutched in the other hand which she brought close to her amazing chest.

'You can't push it underground~ You can't stop it screaming out~ How did it come to this~?'

Um, distraction-chan, Hachi-kun needs to focus on Shizuka-chan right now. How about you go play with your fren Kyon? He seems lonely distraction-chan.

"Seriously, don't you know that giving me something like THIS is wrong? Look Hachiman, I don't deserve—"

"YES, YOU DO."

I stood up dusting my off pants and straightening my shirt. I looked her right into the eyes.

"You do deserve it Shizuka. What, did you think I would continue to shamelessly call you my fiancé and not give you a ring? It should be obvious that I would give you an engagement ring after proposing to you. It's even in those stupid magazines my sister reads! I thought it would make you happy damn it!"

"Idiot! Dumbass! You Hachiman!" Oi, did you learn that from Komachi? "Of course makes me happy! Still isn't THIS a bit too much?!"

"For you, it's definitely not."

"That was a p-platinum ring Hachiman! How could you even get your hands on one? God, please tell me you're not involved with anything illegal…"

Geh, technically my relationship with Shizuka was already borderline illegal, and then there are the cigarettes, my new fake ID, plus a few other things I wouldn't want the cops to know about…

"Look, remember when I needed to visit my father at work? Um, I kinda got forced into a side gig with his company that pays really well."

I only had to sign a contract with the Devil that was also borderline illegal.

That reminds me, the Demon Lord wants me to come in tomorrow…

Damn it, Yamada!

With all the other songwriters around you still need me to give you another song for the album. I'll probably have to sacrifice the Tokyo Revengers OP to the Demon Lord. Sorry Official Higedandism, at least those are the only two songs from you that I know. That it's another song that suits Shizuka is just a coincidence though…

Thank Haruhi Shizuka doesn't seem to listen to the radio in her car! Hopefully, when the album releases in July she won't find out…

"Oh, what do you do then?"

"That's classified, but if you marry me I'll tell you~."

She just glares at me hard for that.

"I-I just work for a shady black company sometimes, it's perfectly legal. I just don't want to talk about it right now, okay."

"Fine. As for the ring, damn it, I honestly don't know if I can really accept it, Hachiman."

"Well no matter how this works out, it's yours now. If you don't want it, just sell it to help pay off that badass car of yours. Whatever you do with it, just don't wear that thing to school Shizuka."

"Of course, I won't you idiot! Just who the hell do you take me for?!"

"Someone with low impulse control~. Ouch!"

Great now my shoulder is numb Kyon.

"Like you're one to talk you dumbass! Geez…, I need to go, hey make sure you call me Hiratsuka sensei back at school. I'm still your teacher damn it."

"Roger Roger. Just try not to get caught speeding my dear fiancé~."

"Piff, smartass. GOODBYE Hachiman."

"Dive home safe Shizuka."

Shizuka got into her car and drove off at a high rate of speed. Her car moved like a red comet into the night and was soon out of sight. I hope she doesn't get caught by the cops Haruhi.

I entered the house and donned my slippers. When I made it to the living room I found a ghost-… no, my mother sitting there.

"Hat-chan we need to talk."

Oh fuck, this has to be about my totally suspicious dinner with Shizuka. With no other option, I sat on the side sofa just across from her.

"…"

"…"

Yeah, I still couldn't read on this droid of a woman at all. You can't read her too, right Kyon? Yeah, I thought so…

"She…, seems nice…"

"Yes, I think she is a very nice person oka-san."

"Is that so…"

"…"

"…"

Achievement unlocked: A Talk From Your Mother

Wait, THAT was it? You can use more words you knooooow~. O-okay she's hugging me now. The pat on the head told me: I trust that you will make good decision Hat-chan.

And just like that The Silence of the Hikigaya household ghosted up the stairs…

"Ha-ha-ha-ha~…, How about I make you some coffee onii-san~."

"Y-yeah, thanks Komachi-chan."

I don't think I'll ever understand our mother, my dear little sister…

That last Saturday was particularly awful. It started with distraction-chan trolling me as I greeted the Demon Lord, with 'You-you-you're just my type~' playing in my head.

Scary.

That was scary distraction-chan; please don't ever do that again.

I may be a man who's got very specific taste, but the thought of just being alone with Maou Noriko is fucking terrifying Kyon!

It's already bad enough that she has a habit of wrapping her arms around me while stroking my hair.

It was as if she was saying: 'You, like your father, are now mine.' or something. Every time she does that to me, I get a flashback of winter training at Fort Drum. I wish she would stop. I already have a fiancé you knooooow~. Oh Haruhi, what if Shizuka finds out?!

Scary. Scary. Scary. Scary.

Yes, I'll still allow it Kyon! I have no choice damn it! Her chest feels fucking amazing!

I was pulled into another long insufferable meeting with Yamada, in which I smoked my entire pack of cigarettes and almost lost it. Damn it, Yamada! You want to name the band Isekai of all things! It has a nice ring to it my ass! Are you mocking me?! He was so lucky the Demon Lord tossed me a new pack when she did, I was about to make him less pretty.

I swear Haruhi the only good thing about Studio 8 was Steinway-sama and hanging out with Honda Kenji-san. He's so fuckin cool. He gave me my own business cards and one for a trustworthy modeling agency that I asked for as well.

I put my unpleasant experience at Studio 8 behind me as I entered a family restaurant dressed in suit-kun. Midterm exams were looming and as a change of pace, I wanted to go over my history book with nicotine-chan.

I really wanted to see the look on that bastard's face when I took the second of our year from him.

Sitting in the smoking section and after moving the sugar and cream to another table, I ordered some coffee.

After a few cigarettes and a cup of coffee later, I noticed a trio of Sobu students that had just entered.

Shit, was that today? You could have warned me Kyon… Time for Case Zulu.

"Miss, check please."

Putting out my cigarette I waited for the check as Yukinoshita, Yuigahama and Totsuka sat at a booth.

When I received the check, I got up and activated Stealth-Hiki. I needed to intercept Komachi and The Bug before they entered the restaurant. I really didn't want to involve the Service (Club) in this one.

Leave it to the Specialist to ruin my plan, as she bumped into me with her large assets. She had just got up to get herself a drink at the wrong moment.

"Ah, I'm sorry sir I didn't see— Whoa! Hikki?! That scared me!"

The Specialist sniffs at me and tilts her head with her eyes widening, before turning to disappointment.

Oi, I know you're a dog person Specialist, but that doesn't mean you should act like one.

"H-Hikki…"

Yuigahama's dramatic reaction pulled Totsuka's attention toward us, and a sunny smile blossomed across his face.

"Hachiman! You look so cool! Were invited to study with us, too!"

"Yo Saika."

"We didn't invite you to study with us, though. Did you want something?" The Corporal declared with a cold glare.

Hey, stop giving me that look Specialist, I'm an adult and you're not my mother.

"Corporal, you don't have to state facts just to hurt me. Anyways I was just about to head out."

"Why are you wearing that suit Hikisuspicious-kun?"

"I just meet someone for a job interview, do I smell like cigarettes Specialist? I swear that guy was as bad as Shiz—*cough* Hiratsuka sensei."

Yuigahama lights up at that, while Yukinoshita narrowed her eyes in cold suspicion.

"Ah! Yeah, you like totally reek of tobacco Hikki!"

"Well fuck. So, you guys here to study?"

"Of course. It's less than two weeks until exams now." So you should leave. Are what Yukinoshita's eyes say.

And I agreed, but then Case Zulu failed as Komachi and The Bug entered the restaurant.

"Oh! It's you,onii-san~!"

"Ah, Komachi-chan, what're you doing here?"

Shit. Looks like it's Case Alpha after all.

"A friend of mine wanted to talk to me about some problems."

After the Specialist invited us to sit down, Komachi started off the introductions.

"Oh, nice to meet you~! I'm Hikigaya Komachi~! Thank you for always putting up with my brother~!"

"Nice to meet you. I'm Totsuka Saika, one of his classmates."

"Wow, you're so cute! Right, onii-san~!"

"I know, right?! But he's a guy."

"Ha-ha! You're so funny. Don't troll me, onii-san~!"

"Oh, um… I'm…a boy…," Totsuka stammered, shyly blushing and averting his eyes.

Wait, was he really a boy Kyon?

"Huh…? Really?" Komachi asked, poking her elbow into my side.

"Sorry, I'm not really sure anymore myself, but he's probably a guy. Though he's cute."

"O-oh…" Her expression still half-incredulous, Komachi intently scrutinized Totsuka's features. Every time she said, "Your eyelashes are soooo long! Your skin is sooo pretty!" Totsuka, red-faced, fidgeted, as if trying to escape her gaze.

He was so cute when he did that, I wanted nothing more than to watch him, but I caught the S-save me! plea he was giving me and peeled Komachi off him.

"I think that's enough Komachi-chan. And this is Yuigahama; that's Yukinoshita." I briefly introduced them, and Komachi finally turned her attention to the girls.

When Komachi's eyes met hers, Yuigahama tittered and introduced herself. "N-nice to meet you… I'm Hikki's classmate, Yuigahama Yui."

"Oh, nice to m—huh? Hmm…" Komachi stopped. She stared at Yuigahama hard until sweat dribbled down Yuigahama's face, prompting her to avert her eyes.

"Are you done?" Apparently, the Corporal was done dutifully waiting, as she now cut between Komachi and the Specialist with a frigid voice.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Yukinoshita Yukino. I'm Hikigaya's… Hikigaya's what, I wonder… We're neither classmates nor friends…so while it truly pains me…acquaintances?"

"Why'd you have to say it 'pains you' and phrase it as a question?"

"No, perhaps acquaintance is fine. Though all I'm really acquainted with is his name. To be precise, I don't want to be acquainted with any more than that. Can you still say that I'm acquainted with him?"

"Can't you just say we go to the same school or that we're schoolmates or something damn it?"

"I see… I shall amend my statement, then. I am Yukinoshita Yukino, and while it pains me to say it, we attend the same school."

"So it still pains you, huh. You're such a pain in the ass."

"But there's nothing else I could call you Hikistranger-kun." Yukinoshita looked a little stumped.

"Oh, no, what you two just said told me all I need to know about your relationship, so it's okay," Komachi said kindly.

"Um…I'm Kawasaki Taishi. I go to the same prep school as Hikigaya-san, and my older sister is a second-year at Sobu High. Oh, her name is Kawasaki Saki. She's, like…a delinquent now, or I guess you could say she's gone bad…"

"Kawasaki Saki from our class, huh?" Asked Yuigahama.

"Kawasaki Saki…" Yukinoshita looked puzzled as the name came to her lips. Apparently, she didn't know her very well.

"Oh! Kawasaki, right? She's kind of…a bad girl? Like, sorta the scary type."

"I think she's cool to hang out with."

"That's right! Besides Hikki, I've never seen Kawasaki being friendly with anyone, though… I feel like she's always looking out the window and zoning out."

"Yeah, I get that impression too, though she seemed really nice at the workplace visit." Totsuka said.

"When did your sister start turning into a delinquent?" asked Yukinoshita.

"It's only been recently. U-um…she was able to get into Soubu High, so when she was in middle school, she was a real serious student. Plus, she was pretty nice, and she cooked for me a lot. She didn't change much in the first year of high school, either…"

"In short, she changed when she was put in the same class as Hikigaya-kun."

"Hey, why are you saying it like I'm the cause? Am I a bioweapon now?"

"I'm not saying that. I think you have a persecution complex, Hikibiohazard-kun."

"Hey! I just heard you call me a biohazard!"

"Slip of the tongue," Yukinoshita said, looking unconcerned.

Being treated like a disease unearthed some old trauma from 8man's memories.

No barrier could stop me, not unless it was made by Haruhi… Wait, I never touched that damn thing… If no barrier can stop me…

Fuck!

"But, like, when you say she comes home late and stuff, though, just how late is that?" Yuigahama asked. "Like, I stay out pretty late, too. It's not that weird for someone in high school."

"But she comes home at, like, after five AM."

"That's more like the morning," I observed.

"Y-your parents don't say anything…about her coming home that late?" Totsuka fretted, concerned.

"No…both our parents work, and we have a younger brother and sister, so they don't get on her case much. And because all three of them are out a lot, they don't see each other very often… Well, it's a big family, so my parents have their hands full just managing it all."

"Family issues, hmm… Any family has them," said Yukinoshita, her expression turning melancholy.

"Okay."

"Hey, hold on a second. Are you expecting us to do something?"

"Why not? Kawasaki Saki is a student at our school, and given that her younger brother's concern is related to her, I believe this falls within the scope of Service Club activity."

"Please, you're the only ones I can rely on, onii-san."

"You've got no business calling me onii-san" My fiancé is Shizuka.

"You sound like a stubborn old man." A cold voice rained down on me.

"Onii-san~…"

"Fine."

Case Alpha was now in-effect.

After having dinner with Komachi, I upgraded from suit-kun to suit-san (dry clean only) and borrowed one of my old man's gaudy watches. Walking out of the house (still looking like a washed-out salaryman only in a new black suit), I got into the cab I called, and set off for Royal Okra Hotel.

As with Case Zulu, my objective now is to meet Kawasomething at Angel Ladder alone. Case Alpha only differs in that I now have to go through a superbly annoying farce with the Service (Club).

There's no way in hell that I would allow two sixteen-year-old high school girls to go into a hotel bar at night. The Corporal is way too fucking naïve. Even if this is a fucking anime world, crime, especially crime against young women still happens here all the time. The fact that the bar is high class can make things even worst because most of the 'elites' are the true scum of the earth.

Kawasomething is beyond stupid to work there. Now that I think about it, I really should have done this sooner.

Yeah, well I have my own shit to take care of Kyon! Hey! It's not like you said anything before you knooooow~!

Kawasomething should be fine… probably. I just hope to Haruhi that her plot armor is still working.

With Hiki-Persona 8 still off, I rode the elevator to the top of the hotel and entered Angel Ladder as the salaryman version of my true self. The first thing I noticed was how good the onee-san at the piano was, as her light jazz filled the room.

Bypassing the hostess I went straight to the empty bar where I found Kawasomething bartending and sat down.

Does she even make money here? The bar is totally empty you knooooow~.

"Excuse me, but I'd like a Johnnie on the rocks."

"Right away, sir."

"Is smoking allowed here?"

In answer to that, Kawasomething sets down an ashtray in front of me.

"Thanks."

She nods and goes to prepare my drink, and I light up.

"Your order sir."

"Ah, Thank you."

"Let me know if you need anything else."

Here's Johnnie! The last friend I will ever have… I think a toast is in order here, Kyon.

"Too good soldiers and absent friends, Climb To fucking Glory." I said quietly.

I salute the air with my glass and take a drink.

Aaaah! Holy shit Haruhi! I really needed that! I missed you so much Johnnie my fren!

After pulling a drag from my cigarette, I take another sip of scotch.

"So…, How's life Kawasomething?"

Kawasomething stops polishing the glass in her hands and looks up at me wide-eyed.

"Just what the hell are you doing here you moron?! Oh crap! I just severed you alcohol! Damn it! I thought you were some washed-out salaryman!" She hissed.

"Oh cool your shit, and don't be such a hypocrite Kawasomething. You're not the only one lying about your age you knooooow~."

The repulsive sadistic smirk the Army gave me naturally appears on my face and she flinches.

"As for why I AM HERE, well aside for the alcohol, is that I met your little brother Takashi?"

"That's Taishi moron."

"Whatever, he was with my sister today and I met them at a family restaurant. The Service…Club was there too and he told US how worried he was about you coming home late. Or is it early? In any case, the point is that your life is about to become super fucking annoying, Kawasomething."

"Taishi that dumbass…"

I took another sip from my glass. It tastes so good Haruhi! I feel fuckin great! No, you're too young for this distraction-chan. Hey Kyon, grab her or something, this isn't for little kids.

"Well your brother is RIGHT to be worried about you, just be glad it's only your brother who's worried right now."

"What do you mean?"

I made an exhalation of cigarette smoke.

"You have a little kid sister, don't you? What if she gets it in her head to start looking for her big sister because she's never home? And then, when out looking for you she gets lost, or worse. It's a very real possibility for a little kid to do something like that, you know that right?"

Kawasomething turned pale at that.

"I-I honestly haven't thought of that… But—"

"—Look, I know that you need money, otherwise you wouldn't be taking the beyond stupid risk of working here. But there are other ways to go about it. For instance, have you ever considered modeling Kawasomething? Not only do you not have to lie about yourself, but it's also a hell of a lot safer than working here and the pay is sure to be more."

"Y-you really think I could be a model?"

"Definitely, in fact, I think you'd be a natural at it."

Kawasomething blushes.

"Don't just casually say something like you moron."

I finish my cigarette and put it out. I take out two business cards and set them on the bar.

"Here, this is a card for Kagami Entertainment. It's a reputable modeling agency and they're looking for new talent at the moment. You can use my card and say someone from Studio 8 referred you, which should help a bit. Well whether you decide to model or not, you really should quit, I can help you find something else."

She takes the two business cards.

"Alright, I'll think about it."

"That's all I can ask, now I need to see an onee-san about a piano, I'll be back."

I finished my drink and got up from the bar stool. I walked over to the onee-san at the grand piano whose back was towards me. She was a young woman with shoulder-length black hair in a tasteful black dress that suited Angel Ladder's atmosphere. I could tell that she was gorgeous even from behind her, though her hair was kind of a turn-off because it reminded me of someone scary.

I waited for her to finish what she was playing before speaking to her.

"Excuse me Miss, but you wouldn't happen to know 'My Soul, Your Beats', would you?"

She turns to face me and I froze. Holy Fucking Shit Haruhi! It's Haruno! Why is a Devil HERE of all places?!

Those angular, calculating, violet eyes of hers stared into my deadeyes, as a mischievous grin formed on her face. As I was more or less my Real self right now, I couldn't help but return a shit-eating grin of my own.

"My Soul, Your Beats~ huh~? I've heard that song before~." She starts giggling. "Hey~, isn't that an anime song mister~?"

I was about to nod, but right at that moment, I feel a sharp gaze that makes my ahoge stand on end. I rounded to face the threat, only to find a very elegant and beautiful woman dress dark blue kimono sitting at a table.

Oh Shit! Haruno's mother is here! Scary!

Caught off guard under her cold icy glare, I dumbly wave at her in an awkward fashion.

I'm totally not a threat or hitting on your daughter you knooooow~. Are what my eyes say.

Her glare intensifies and a fan shoots up to cover her lips!

SCARY!

Thankfully her focus was drawn back to the men in dark suits she was meeting with.

Well, that was fucking terrifying…

"Piff~! My, someone sure is brave~! I don't think anyone has waved at my mother like that before~! Piff~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha~! Oh God~! That was hilarious~!"

I turned back to the woman, who I never should have turned my back on. Haruno wipes tears from her eyes. I couldn't tell if they were fake or not. Scary!

"Ah~, Hey you should probably head back to the bar~, kay~. My mother can be super scary after all~. But since you showed me something so funny, I'll be sure to play that song for you~." She said with a wink that was fake as hell.

"Um, r-right."

I stumbled back to my seat at the bar. I needed a fuckin drink after that damn it!

"I can't believe I met HER here…, fucking anime world… HEY, Kawasomething HIT ME."

"Uh, I don't think—"

I glared at her as I slammed a ten thousand yen bill on the bar.

"Do it."

"Fine whatever, just give me a moment."

I lit up a cigarette with a shaky hand, as Kawasomething sets a new drink in front of me.

From the grand piano, I can hear 'My Soul, Your Beats' that Haruno just arranged. It was a masterpiece. I listened to her arrangement as nicotine-chan tried to comfort me after meeting someone scary. I was captivated by her piano playing until the song ended.

"What a monster, she really is perfect at everything she does."

"You know her?"

"Yeah, you could say that…"

After embracing nicotine-chan again, I downed half my glass in an instant.

"Aaaaah~! So good~!"

"Whoa! Slow down you dumbass!"

"It's fine~, it's totally fine~, I'm not a fucking lightweight you knooooow~."

*Hic-up*

"I can handle my fuckin a-a-a-a-a-alcohol~. I'm twenty-eight you knooooow~."

"Oh great, you're drunk…"

I take another sip followed by a drag from my cigarette.

"Nah~, I'm still totally saber~… In frag~, I think I could use a shot of vodka~."

"No, I'm cutting you off."

"Hey~…, don't be like that~, kawabunga-san~. I thought you were fuckin cool~. I'm totally fire~."

"I said that you're cut off. So that means you're cut off, you moron!"

"You can't do this to me! I'm a combat veteran damn it! This is so fucked up!"

"Yeah, yeah."

"I did five fucking deployments to fuckin Afghanistan you knooooow~!"

"Sure you did…"

I stab out my cigarette and light another.

"Damn fuckin right I did. I climbed to fucking glory with the 10th Division right up until I got everyone in my squad killed by leading them straight into a fuckin ambush… All because I followed the orders that came from that fucking incompetent piece of shit of an officer. But 'Good soldiers follow orders.' don't they? Well I just had to be a good fucking soldier, didn't I? I followed my fuckin orders and I got my two best friends killed because of it! And do you know what the fucking Army did? They gave me two fucking medals for it! I got them all killed damn it! And they made me stand next to that fucking incompetent piece of shit who ordered it! Hey, Are you listening kawasocky-something?!"

"And now he's rambling…"

"Oi, listen to my story damn it!"

"Yes, yes, I'm listening."

"It turned out that fucking bastard was the son of a congressman. I shook O'bomber's hand you knooooow~. I met The President of The United fucking States because of that clusterfuck, Isn't that insane? Fucking politicos…"

"Yeah, that sounds totally crazy…"

I let out a deep exhalation of cigarette smoke.

"You know what's really fucked up? Even after all that shit, I still want to go back to the Army damn it… Hell, I even tried to stay in, but they medically discharged my ass. I miss it so fucking much… Do you know what it feels like to fire a Gustaf? It's fuckin amazing! But the Army told me to fuck off and get therapy… Do I look like someone needs fuckin therapy?!"

"Yes, you definitely need therapy."

"Hey~, I'm NOT fuckin crazy~, Konami~!"

"That's not even my name anymore, you idiot. It's Kawasaki."

"That's what I said~, Something-something~."

"It's still wrong you moron."

"Don't mind~, don't mind~, everything is fire~. *Hic-up* I'm totally fire~."

"Maybe I should just quit, the pay really isn't worth this…"

"Oh just who the fuck am I kidding? Things aren't fire at all. Nothing has been fucking fire since Truck-kun sent me to this fucking anime world…"

"So there's more huh?"

Finishing my cigarette, I pulled out my next one. After taking a small sip of scotch I lit up.

"You're fuckin right there's more! You knooooow~, as fucked up as my old life was, at least I wasn't in fuckin high school damn it. But surprise! I get to ReLife this bullshit all over again! I just had to get killed on the way to a funeral… Fuckin cliché! Shit, this is life isn't even fucking mine, damn it I don't even know my REAL name you knooooow~! It sure as hell isn't John fuckin Smith! *Hic-up* Yukinoshita was right. I really am a Thing that shouldn't exist… That ice bitch just has to right about everything, doesn't she? I'm just a pretender that's as fake as the rest of this fucking anime world… Hey, do you want to hear something crazy?"

"Yeah, sure why not? What other crazy nonsense are you going to tell me, moron?"

"In less than twenty-four hours since coming to this fuckin anime world, like a fuckin idiot I totally YOLO'd a marriage proposal and now I have a fiancé… Can you believe that shit?! Just what the hell was that damn shounen protagonist even thinking? I mean she was supposed to reject me, you knooooow~. That's totally crazy right?"

"Yeah, out of all the things you said to me, THAT's the craziest. There's no way someone would be that desperate to marry you."

"I swear to Haruhi it's TRUE. Look I even have her picture."

"Swear to-… Yeah, I don't even want to know…"

I put out my used cigarette and pulled out smart-kun. I stared at the picture of Shizuka I set as my background. She looked so hot leaning against her Red Aston Martin smoking a cigarette. Her beauty alone was-…

"Fucking unreal… None of this is fuckin real, not even her…"

I set my phone on the bar screen down and hold my head in my hands.

"But I won't let this build up inside of me~ I won't let this build up inside of me~ I won't let this build up inside of me~ I won't let this build up~, INSIDE of me~"

"And now he's singing…, why is it in English…?"

"She isn't real~ I can't make her REAL~ *Hic-up* It's all a Lie, Lies I tell you! Nothing here is real! This world is nothing but a fuckin LIE! Alex Jones was right!"

"What if this moron comes back? Yeah, I'm totally going to quit."

"Hey, are you listening Somethingsaki?"

"Yes, yes, I'm listening…"

I felt the dark side of force grow stronger beside me, so I put smart-kun away. Even if I'm a little buzzed right now, there's no way in hell I'd let Haruno know who my fiancé was. Unlike Something-something-something she's just not cool enough.

"Hello~!"

"Great, fuc—*Hic-up* Haruno is here…"

Haruno sat next to me at the bar with that radiant fake-ass smile of hers, as all four of her eyes showed a glint of mischief. Oi, were in public you knooooow~, don't show your true self here…

"Oh~… So you know who I am~? Well, that's not too surprising~. Ne~, what's your name~?"

"Ah, where are my manners? I'm Hikigaya." I said 'allegedly' under my breath as I slid my business card to her.

"Hikigaya Hachiman~? Hm~…" She plays with the business card I gave her. "Hikigaya-san huh~? Okay, nice to meet you~! So you're a songwriter with Studio 8~?"

"Unfortunately…" It's a good thing I'm still saber~…

"Say~, how was the song I played for you~?" She leans over and her major assets press into my shoulder as she playfully pokes my cheek.

Holy shit Haruhi she's just like the Specialist! And she's over eighteen, so I'm totally fire with this! Wait, aren't I forgetting something? Nah~, everything is fire here~! Hey, she really does smell nice~…

"Come on~, come on~! Tell me~!"

"That masterful arrangement was perfect, in fact, if you didn't scare the hell out of me, I'd love to collaborate with you on something."

"Piff~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha~!"

Ow, ow, ow, ow, Oi! Stop hitting my back damn it!

"You're a riot Hikigaya-san~! That non-expression~! You're not flustered at all~!"

"Well, I saw combat." I finished off the rest of my drink.

"Piff-… So you were an ex-soldier huh~? Yeah, I could tell~, I've met a lot of them that work with my father and you definitely have the same feel~…"

Oi, what's with the surprised look~? Um, what was your name again~? We totally just went over this~, didn't you listen~? Why are you turning pale?

"Were you in the JSDF?"

I looked right into her pretty bright eyes.

"No, I was a former Staff Sergeant in the U.S. Army, and I saw action in fuckin Afghanistan."

"A former Staff Sergeant huh~…? Piff-ha~! And now you write pop songs~! How does that even happen Hikigaya-san~?!"

A ghost of a smile appears on my face.

"I got hit by a truck."

"'Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby~ Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag~-…"

'Cut that shit out Private! Do you think you're a God damn Marine?! 'Cause you're about as fuckin stupid as one! IN CASE you haven't noticed Private, we're in fucking Afghanistan! So get your God damn head out of your ass and WAKE FUCK THE UP!'

"Geh!" I woke up with a start and my head fuckin hurts.

Wait, where the hell am I? And why's my tie on my head?!

As I pulled the tie off my head, I found myself sitting on a couch in what appeared to be a nice apartment. A look at the gaudy watch told me it was just past 06:00 hours and I could smell the coffee coming from the kitchen.

Haruno was standing there with a cup of coffee in hand. She was wearing a knitted cardigan and a long skirt. And of course, she looks perfect…

OH SHIT! I'M IN HARUO'S APARTMENT! HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN KYON?!

"Oh good~! You woke up~!"

"Um Y-Yukinoshita-san how'd-…?"

"—Aaaah~! What happened to you calling me Haru-Haru~?"

I facepalmed as I felt a chill.

"Just what the hell happened last night?"

She made a coy smile that I hoped to Haruhi was fake.

"Oh~ you don't remember~? About how we did this and that~…"

"Oh, Shit! My fiancé is going to kill me!"

Achievement unlocked: Your School Days

"Piff~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha~! You're fine Hikigaya-san~! I'm a friend of Shizuka-chan's~. But you should be more careful~. Affairs aren't good~, you know~…"

OH FUCK! SHE KNOWS ABOUT US!

"What have I done…" I held my head in my hands.

"Nothing~…, we just went to Karaoke with some friends of mine~, and it was so much fun~! You were a riot Hikigaya-san~! And when I saw you had too much to drink I brought you here~, where you passed out~."

A memory of me singing Foo Fighters The Pretender to Haruno flashed into my head. Followed by me getting her to sing Plastic Love in English…

What the fuck?! And she did that perfectly?! Just like-…

Oh Shit! I got her to play 'My Soul, Your Beats'! Wait! What happened with Kawasomething?! I gave her the business cards right? Then I got Haruno'd… And…

Fuck! I can't remember anything after that!

"Now that I think about it~, maybe I should have driven you to Shizuka's~."

THANK HARUHI THAT SHE DIDN'T!

"No, I would have hated for her to see me like this… but thank you for taking care of me."

I got off the couch and fixed my tie.

"It was no trouble~, Hey would you like some coffee~?"

"I really shouldn't, I need to head home and get really for work."

I still have school damn it!

"Well okay~, I guess that's it then~. I'll see you around Hikigaya-san~!"

"Yeah that'll probably happen…, I'll see myself out, thank you once again Yukinoshita-san." I said while putting my shoes on.

"It's fine to call me Haruno~, Oh and be sure to give me a call~, kay~."

"R-right…, goodbye Haruno-san."

I exited out the door and breathed a sigh of relief. As I walked away from her lair, I pulled smart-kun out. A selfie of me (with my tie on my head) and Haruno making peace signs was set as the background. Scary! I quickly reverted it back to Shizuka. In my contacts 'Haru-Haru' was there…

Smart-kun buzz, signaling a text.

Oh shit, Komachi was pissed…

I told the half-truth of how I was out looking for Kawasomething that night. My dear little scary sister accepted the excuse along with the premium doughnuts I bought her. It was totally a bribe.

Thankful my parents were late last night and went right to bed, in fact, they were still asleep when I got back home at just after seven.

And so day went on with Case Alpha still in-effect and I missed playing the piano because of a fucking annoying club meeting that the Specialist pulled me in.

When I went to the clubroom, Yukinoshita was holding a difficult-looking book in her hands. "Well then, let's get started."

Yuigahama and I nodded. For some reason, Totsuka was there, too.

"Saika no one's forcing you to be here." Actually, I felt incredibly guilty for dragging him into the Corporal's ridiculous scheme. Most likely, the only thing he was going to get out of this was a new way to kill time.

But Totsuka shook his head with a smile. "No, it's okay. I heard what's going on, too. Plus, I'm interested in finding out what you guys will do… If I'm not in the way, I'd…like to go with you."

"I see, well this will probably be something stupid."

The Corporal cleared her throat and the room got colder.

"I've considered the matter a bit, and I believe it's best for Kawasaki to resolve her issues herself. Recovering by means of her own efforts is less risky than forcing her into it, and she is less likely to rebound."

"Yeah, that's probably true. So what exactly are we going to do?" I phoned in.

"Have you heard of animal therapy?"

"This isn't the Showa Era and she's not a gang leader, Corporal."

Of course, I was ignored, so after school into the box Kamakura goes.

Now all that was left was to wait for Kawasomething to make her entrance. The problem was we didn't know when she might show up. Shizuka's lectures varied in length depending on her mood after all. Not to mention this plan was doomed from the start.

There was however one thing I could get out of it, which was why I went along with this farce. Activating Stealth-Hiki, I pulled out smart-kun and pressed record.

"Meow~"

"Meow. Meow."

"Meow~"

"Meow."

""Meeoow~.""

I stopped recording and put smart-kun in my pocket. I'd need that video the next time I met her sister.

Unable to help myself I called out to the Corporal.

"Hello there~."

"What?" Yukinoshita replied nonchalantly.

"Uh, why were you talking to—"

"—More importantly, I thought I ordered you to stand by. But you're incapable of even something that simple, aren't you? I thought I'd sufficiently accounted for your incompetence, but frankly, I didn't think you were this bad. How do you supervise someone with an intellect inferior to an elementary schooler?" Yukinoshita's merciless frigidity was amped up about 50 percent greater than usual. But most notably, her eyes warned, If you talk anymore, I'll kill you.

["Teenagers scare the livin' shit out of me~"]

"…"

"…"

["They could care less as long as someone'll~-…"]

"Hikigaya speaking."

["Oh, onii-san? This is Taishi. Hikigaya-san told m—"]

"Who told you, you could call me 'onii-san'?!"

["Teenagers sca~—"]

["Hey, why'd you hang up on me?!"]

"What is it?"

["Well, I just heard you have some kind of plan with a cat, but my sister is allergic."]

"Got it. Thanks for letting me know. Bye."

This time I hung up on him for good and looked over to Yukinoshita. She was crouched in front of Kamakura, scratching his chin and smooshing the pads of his paws.

"Corporal."

Hearing my call, she yanked her hands away from the cat, glaring at me as if to say, Now what? I thought, Look, I already forgot what happened before. If you keep eyeing me like that, you're just gonna make me remember.

"I just got a call from Taishi, and he says Kawasaki's allergic to cats."

"*Sigh.* Abort, then," Yukinoshita said, patting Kamakura's head as if she didn't want to see him go.

…

…

The next day at lunch in the stairwell to the roof, we enacted the plan the Specialist came up with.

"Hey, there. You look tired. Been working after school? I hope you're not overextending yourself."

"Thanks for your concern."

"Hey…, If you need a shoulder, I've got one."

"No thanks, got enough."

"Ah."
Looking slightly dejected the Second Lieutenant met us down the stairs.

"Looks like she turned me down."

"Piff—." This was the only thing that made Case Alpha worth it.

"D-don't mind sir. Piff—ha-ha-ha."

"It's not nice to laugh!"

"Don't worry, it's no big deal. It's still lunchtime, so I'll head back to class."

"T-thank you for your Service." I gave a mock salute as he left. "I'm going to head out as well, there's a piano calling me. How about we meet back at the clubroom later to decide what to do next?"

They nodded, and I left. I made my way to the special building with Haruno's arrangement stuck in my head like it was some kind of challenge.

…

That afternoon I found the clubroom to be empty and I felt this indescribable sense of foreboding. My ahoge tuned with the Force and I saw a vision of Shizuka crying.

Surely that stupid competition isn't still a thing, right Kyon?

Fuck!

The Corporal would totally take that seriously!

Hiki-Persona 8 failed as I put in my headphones and dashed to the locker.

["Let the bodies hit the floor~ Let the bodies hit the floor~ Let the bodies hit the floor~ Let the bodies hit the~"]

I pulled out the bug-out bag I had hidden there and grabbed the rappelling rope and donned a tactical harness with three quick snaps.

["FLOOR~"]

Running down my escape aisle behind the stacked desk, I opened the window and hopped out to the balcony.

["Beaten, why for~ Can't take much more~"]

I snap-hooked the rope to the rail and through the end to the courtyard below.

[("Here we go~, here we go~, here we go now~")]

["One, nothing wrong with me~"]

Rope secured.

["Two, nothing wrong with me~"]

Harness set.

["Three, nothing wrong with me~"]

Carabiner locked.

["Four, nothing wrong with me~"]

Over the rail, arm out!

["One, something's got to give~"]

"Oi! Oi! Look at the special building!"

["Two, something's got to give~"]

"Senpai~! That's the fourth floor you knooooow~!"

["Three, something's got to give~"]

"Whoa! Sergeant Psycho-kun is at it again?!"

["NOW~"]

["Let the bodies hit the floor~ Let the bodies hit the floor~ Let the bodies hit the~ FLOOR~"]

On the ground, three quick snaps released the harness. I ran across the courtyard to the main school building. My headphones fall out, so I killed the music and stuffed them back into my pocket. I entered the central entrance across from the shoe lockers where Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Totsuka were at. Shizuka was leaning against the wall in a dramatic stance next to Kawasaki.

"My client wishes to remain anonymous. Please answer the question."

Kawasaki heaved a languid sigh.

"Not like it matters anymore. I had a job and I just quit it. So can I go home now?"

Wait, what? When did this happen Kyon?!

"Hiratsuka sensei!" The Vice Principal just came running down the hall. "One of our students just rappelled down the special building!"

Oh shit.

I immediately activated Stealth-Hiki and started to back away.

"Geez, just what was that idiot even thinking!"

["Now this looks like a job for me~"]

Everyone turned to stare at me…

"…"

["So everybody just follo~—"]

"—Um, I'll call you back Komachi-chan…"

I turned and ran out the door.

"Hikigaya Hachiman! Come back here!"

"It's just a coincidence!"

"The hell it is!"

Author's Note:

"And it was at this moment, that some Hack realized he fucked up..."

Um, Sexalonenious..., why is Morgan Freeman here? What do you mean he owed you a favor?! You're a cat!

So yeah, I just realized 'Pumped Up Kicks' came out in 2010...

Well since Isekaigaya is from an AU Earth anyways... Let's just say it comes out in 2012! There! Totally fixed!

No Jerry, I'm not going to rewrite it. And who the fuck are YOU?! Why do I have a Jerry, Sexalonenious?!

Thank you for the reviews!

Mobile Suit Gundam Next Episode: Something, Something, Dark Side. Who will survive?

[App Fren-ly End Space]