Wubba lubba dub-dub! We're back and that's right Sexalonenious! The time hath come!
Play the Episode Kyon!
Episode 11
~My Date With Shizuka Still Involved The Police Just As I Expected~
With a distinct lack of high school drama, the Corporal and I celebrated the Specialist's special day. Yukinoshita apparently took my advice and got Yuigahama a cute and frilly apron along with a mug that had a puppy on it. Needless to say, the Specialist loved them to death and I was able to sneak a photo of the hug she gave the Corporal.
That awkward expression of Yukinoshita's was priceless, so I made sure to send it to Haruno later.
As for my own gifts to the Specialist, I ended up getting her the same dog collar from the anime, an Idiot's Guide to Cooking, and I registered her (and Yukinoshita) for a premium patisserie course for this July which happened to be run by one of Yukinoshita's mothers' frenemies after some consulting with Haruno.
This, in turn, earned me a death glare from the Corporal, not because she was now forced into a baking course with Specialist (who was absolutely ecstatic about this development) without her consent or because I involved her sister in this. No, I could tell that this particular arctic death glare was for the simple reason that I had gotten Yuigahama one more gift than she did probably.
Add to the fact we were both keeping score, she knew that I knew that she knew, I was winning as well. For someone as competitive as Yukinoshita this was of course something she found completely unacceptable.
Heh, she should have thought about that before she decided to snub me and left me to her nee-san.
Oh I know that it's petty Kyon, but I do love victory-chan in all her forms especially when said victory comes:
'All too easy…' Tee-hee~.
Riiiiight~, distraction-chan?
Geh.
As I took my eyes off distraction-chan nodding form, I noticed that the Specialist was now wearing the dog collar…
"Ahem, um that's a dog collar, not a choker Specialist."
"Whoa! Hikki!"
As much as this was a fucking anime world that I found myself in, time did not in fact conveniently skip to the next Episode. The first semester, wait, no I don't think that really matters Kyon… Just fine, whatever damn it! The first trimester midterms came and went with me placing in the second of year two. The strained smile on Hayama's face as he look at the rankings on the board was truly priceless and not something I would ever forget. I made certain of that by immortalizing his expression with an 'out of frame' selfie, which I also sent to Haruno just for the kek's.
Just as the Sith Code states through victory my chains were broken. By placing second in my year I was freed from my mandatory lunch dates with Shizuka and could now rekindle my bromance with Yamaha-kun. However, as I was concerned that Shizuka would relapse back to instant ramen, I still continued to bring her lunch, despite the playful teasing of my peers (Atsugi sensei and Tsurumi sensei) which I mostly ignored.
With the midterms now over with, so too did my short liaison with her Excellency and the Student Council came to an end. As the rest of the Student Council Officers returned to active duty I felt relieved at being transferred back to the Service (club).
Her Excellency's Megu Megu Megurin's POWER was starting to have a major debuff effect on my psyche along with her too-sweet coffee. I was also starting to notice that Fluffy senpai would trigger the passive activation of my 'Onii-san Mode' with depressing regularity. So after quickly filing an AAR and having a passable cup of tea courtesy of a very reluctant Corporal, I once more returned to those somewhat relaxing, lazy afternoons of trading barbs with the Corporal and sometimes poking fun at the Specialist while completing the odd homework assignment or light novel.
Occasionally Shizuka would come to the clubroom to half-heartedly try and stop me from trolling her with paperwork. Such requests would be denied by both me and the Corporal much to her consternation. I mean, I certainly couldn't stop myself after seeing how adorable Shizuka looked (on the verge of tears) as I came to her with another pointless report for the Service (club). As for Yukinoshita, well, it was because my purposefully malicious paperwork made it feel like she was running an actual club and not some sort of shady unsanctioned after-school tea service… probably.
And so the monotony of my daily school life continued at least until the day I finally played out the arrangement of 'My Soul, Your Beats' that Haruno made to my own satisfaction. With the lunch period ending, I was walking back to class only to find Tachibana senpai in the hallway just outside of the room trying to track me down. She informed me that the President of Sobu's Rock Climbing Club was looking to speak with me. Of course, I had no idea Sobu even had a rock climbing club up to that point, but after telling Tachibana senpai she could direct him to the Service (club), that did not stop me from writing 'Climb To Glory' on the clubroom's blackboard or sliding open the door before the Rock Climbing Club President could knock after hearing his footsteps in the hall.
Aside from spending my time with Shizuka, trolling Yukinoshita with my foreknowledge was one of the things I enjoyed most in this fucking anime world after all.
Apparently, the Rock Climbing Club wanted to train in rappelling before their camping trip this summer and thus sought me out after watching me in that online video that was still going viral. As unexpected as it was, it was a development I most certainly welcomed. I really did like that tactical harness after all and getting it back from Shizuka was a fun experience in of its self.
So after finally making use of some of the Service (club)'s budget, we met the Rock Climbing Club at the facility where I acquired my Rappelling Instructor License. And aside from the little episode of me hitting the deck and nearly losing my shit because of the lens flare from a certain meddlesome, siscon, stalking, Onee-san using a camera with a telescopic lens, we completed the Rock Climbing Club's request.
"Over the past month, my current life as a Japanese high school student in a fucking anime world has been pretty copacetic you knooooow~."
Well, at least if you ignored the whole clusterfuck that was Tanabata that is…
'…'
A soulless, apathetic gaze is all I received so far from my current guest in the Hikigaya household.
"Still refusing to talk huh, well, no matter…"
I begin to pace back and forth with my hands clasped behind my back in the living room.
Yes, even with what happened on Tanabata, the truth is that things could have been so much worst.
After all, I could have just as easily been pushed in front of express train-sama and sent to experience World War One as a small magical girl.
Or I could have been Isekai'd into an obscure otome game as a mob, where I would probably start plotting an insurgency for La'revo-luti-on. That, or being forced to marry the scary as hell (and much older) Duchess of the North who just so happens to be the 'Last Boss' for pissing off the aristocracy at Noblesse-oblige Academy or something. Either way, the Heroine and the Crown Prince would most certainly die probably.
No, there is no way in hell I would try to live a peaceful life Kyon.
'Peace is a lie' you knooooow~.
Sometimes I wonder if my counterpart in this fucking anime world (if he even existed at all) got Isekai'd to a galaxy far, far away when truck-kun and Haruhi shanghaied me here. I mean, my esp, the Force, and my ahoge totally tells me that souls work on 'Highlander Rules' you knooooow~.
That lucky bastard is probably ironically shouting 'For the Republic!' with a core of his own template of clones, bringing Freedom and Democracy to the Outer Rim while trolling Jedi after Bo-Katan handed him his ass for trying to ask her to marry him…
Am I jealous?
Probably…
No, I'm totally jealous Kyon!
Still, things are fine…
Yeah, perfectly fine…, I'm just currently living the life of an ex-military, loner, from the future possessing the dead body of a loner Japanese high school student, who proposed to his homeroom teacher less than twenty-four hours after possessing the dead body of said high school student, who is also now fake dating a friend of said homeroom teacher, who somehow is currently his fiancé and so is therefore now technically cheating on said fiancé behind her back probably…
Ah yes, while also writing Japanese pop songs on the side for the Demon Lord.
Thanks for reminding me of that Kyon.
See…, everything is totally…, FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF HARUHI!
The lie that is my personal life is such a fucking disaster right now!
And to make this clusterfuck even worse, I totally outed myself to my mother who just so happens to be a fuckin Major in Military Intelligence of all things!
WHY THE HELL WAS SHE EVEN HIDING THAT?!
Was that just some habit leftover from the end of the Cold War when she was more active or something?!
Oh really?! I should talk to her?! And just what the fuck am I supposed to say to her Kyon?!
"Yahallo~! I'm John fuckin Smith from the future! And I just so happen to be wearing your son's dead body like a meat suit in this fucking anime world for reasons! Tee-hee~!"
'Is that so…'
YEAH, FUCKING RIGHT!
*Sigh…*
Right now it's all I can do just to try and ignore the whole situation… Which honestly is really fucking hard to do when I can't stop myself from coming to ridged attention when I'm in the Major's (aka oka-sans) presence while trying my best NOT to give her a crisp salute as protocol demands of me.
Thank Haruhi for the old man and his ignorance as he is usually with oka-san when I do encounter her, which really does help to break the tension and makes us seem like any other normal suburban family.
Ignorance truly is bliss, you damn daughtercon!
After all, despite the ever-increasing amount of hugs, the Major has been giving me recently has done little to assuage my paranoia of the day when I'm kidnapped off the street by an anonymous white van for a 'debriefing' (read interrogation).
Just like the incident that happened on Tanabata when I was kidnapped by a black van while I was having a break (discreetly off school grounds) with nicotine-chan after parking my bike at Sobu because I had arrived at school a little too early that morning…
The only reason I didn't fight off my would-be kidnappers was because I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a certain black limo car that was speeding to my current location with likely the same objective in mind. It was Tanabata after all, which is July seventh, and one Yukinoshita Haruno's birthday.
Scary!
So as I was Taken, I discreetly shut off smart-kun while wondering in the back of my mind if I had a passive 'Princess-trait' buried somewhere in my one hundred and eight skills.
It was only too late for me to realize (to my belated horror) that the black van I was pulled into was driven by none other than Mio-chan's manager who very politely apologized for my ruff treatment at hands of the Studio 8 staffers (read Yakuza thugs) and informed me that I was to attend Mio-chan's birthday party.
Fuck Tanabata…
You damn daughtercon! You sold me out, didn't you old man!
Damn it, Yamada!
How dare you skip out and leave me alone Mio-chan and her frens! You're useless to me Yamada!
Thankfully alcohol-chan was attending as well, so most of the party was a blur as was just about everything else until I found myself sitting back at a familiar park bench smoking a cigarette in a daze after apparently having just down a can of Max Coffee (energy drink).
By then it was late evening and just as I was idly wondering where Narrator-san fucked off to for all this time and if he ever found Stanley…, I remembered that my bike was still parked at Sobu.
With a curse I made the trek back to the high school, and at the gate, I came across a scene that was as disturbing as it was familiar:
That of Yukinoshita Haruno dressed in Sobu's summer uniform, climbing the school gate, on fucking Tanabata.
Against my better judgment, while trying to ignore the ever-growing feeling of dread I was feeling at the moment, I couldn't help but ask.
"Oi, just what the hell do you think you're doing…?"
At the top of the gate, Haruno turned her head towards me, slightly tossing back her shoulder-length raven black hair as those pretty, angular, calculating, violet eyes of hers sparkled from the street lights as they locked with mine. As we stared at each other, a fake mischievous smile (that I was now far too familiar with for my liking recently) made its way to her soft pink lips.
'Ara~, isn't it obvious~? Breaking and entering~!'
There was a wild, youthful, vibrants about her that I found unsettling, however, it was Haruno, so I ignored it for the time being.
"Yeah, I can see that, but what I meant was what the hell are YOU doing in high school uniform? I mean aren't you a little old to be wearing one Haruno…?"
She blinks and then looks at me curiously.
'Piff-ha-ha-ha~, Wow~, you're so rude~! I'm still in high school y'know~, but I could ask the same thing about you~, suspicious-stranger-kun~. So why are you wearing a Sobu uniform when I've never seen you at school before~, hmmm~?'
Oh, fuck my life Haruhi…, not again…
The color drained from my face as everything clicked in that one horrible moment and I checked the black radio-wave-watch that I normally wear.
[20:48 07/07/2008]
SERIOUSLY FUCK TANABATA!
I gave a thousand-yard stare into the night sky with dead eyes.
('I should probably go to bed~')
Yeah, good advice distraction-chan.
'Hello~…, Earth to suspicious-stranger-kun~.'
"Ehm, r-right well…, happy birthday and good luck with whatever you were doing Yukinoshita-san."
With a shaky hand, I fish out a cigarette from the pack in my breast pocket as I began to walk away from Haruno's vicinity.
('Before I question my decision~ Is it love~? I know it isn't~ Now I'm all up in my head again~, 'Cause I know I don't~, Have the self-control~, To walk away if you walk in~')
Um, hey, distraction-chan…? You're hitting a little too close to home you knooooow~.
('OooooOOOoooOH~ I know~, I know~, I know~, I know~ I should probably go to bed~')
'Hey~! Hold on a moment delinquent-kun~! No need to run away~!'
Grabbing my shoulder, Haruno swings me around to face her and leans into me.
Geh! Too fast! Too close! Too close!
I retreated two quick steps back, pocketed my cigarette, and glared at her.
Wait, was Haruno always THIS hyperactive Kyon? The thought that the Haruno I met from three years into the future was the more mellow one, is scary as hell!
'You're not busy right now~, right delinquent-kun~? Whoa~ that super-annoyed reaction~! Ne~, ne~, would you mind doing me a favor and help me out with a little prank delinquent-kun~?'
"It wouldn't happen to involve a line marker and the school quad, would it?" I deadpanned.
'Hmm~, now that IS an idea~! See~! You're helping out already~! And I really do like that in a person y'know… So let's go delinquent-kun~!'
As if declaring my personal space was a foreign concept to her, Haruno secured my arm and dragged me towards the school gate…
Of course, Haruno being Haruno, she had the key to the school's outdoor equipment shed for some reason… And so after a short sitrep, it wasn't long until I found myself writing I AM HERE in Aurebesh script.
"Um…, Yukinoshita-san…"
'Ara~, you can call me Haruno~! Just like you did when we first met~! We seemed sooo much closer back then y'know~?!'
"Ha-ha-ha…, so Yukinoshita-san…"
'You're stubborn, aren't you? How cute~.'
"Yukinoshita-san, was there a reason why you were out here so late pulling a prank?"
'Who knows…, when you live a life where you're forced to negotiate and compromise all the time, sometimes you can't help but try to find a release from it all…'
"I see."
'Oh and thanks for wishing me a happy birthday by the way~! No one else did… It seems as if everyone totally forgot about it~!'
"It's not a problem."
'So~, do you have a name delinquent-kun~?'
"It's John Smith."
'Piff—HA~! So lame~!'
"Well…, any name I give you will just sound like a lie at this point anyway."
'So you're living a lie hmm~… how interesting~…'
Three years…
'Ne~, if you don't have anywhere to go~, then why don't you just come to stay at my home~?'
I was stuck in the past for three years…, all because I didn't have a Nagato…
…
It was an absolute nightmare!
No! Literally, you meat-bags!
IT WAS ALL JUST A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!
-Becoming Haruno's shadow as a guard dog of the Yukinoshitas!
-Having to avoid Shizuka for fear of fucking up the timeline!
-Saying some cryptic bullshit to fuck with my past self from the shadows!
-My games of chess with Tsuzuki-san!
None of it was fucking real!
YEAH! AND MAYBE I WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT SOONER IF YOU HADN'T JUST FUCKIN BAILED ON ME IN THE FIRST FUCKING WEEK KYON!
It's only by the grace of Haruhi that MOST of those three years were vague as hell when I fell out of my bed the next morning!
It was like Fuckin Afghanistan all over again…
It was all for fuckin nothing…
The only difference was that I knew, going in, what I was signing up for. After all I never would've joined the Army if I couldn't take a joke, that's what the Navy is for…
S-still at least I'm NOT a fucking wizard Harry…
And thank Haruhi for the fact that Haruno ISNT my waifu! After all, it would be scary as hell if Haruno and I shared the same kind of Force Bond as the one I apparently shared with Shizuka.
I mean seriously, just imagine if the REAL Yukinoshita Haruno was pulled into that Haruhi-forsaken nightmare with me…
Scary…, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, SCARY!
A flashback of an eighteen-year-old Haruno winking at me while in her high school uniform comes clearly to my mind…
No…, that would be way too fucking scary!
B-besides the real Haruno would never…
P-probably…
…
Would never WHAT Staff Sergeant? Pretend to be her eighteen-year-old self while playing some twisted and elaborate mind game to fuck with you? Because yes, the REAL Haruno would NEVER do THAT now would she Staff Sergeant? After all, it's not like you're a THING that distorts reality and shouldn't exist, right Staff Sergeant?
Stupid leftover monster of logic!
No one asked for your damn observation you knooooow~.
Real or fake, you do know the only way you would ever become a 'wizard' around Haruno is if you were dead Staff Sergeant…
WHAT?! NO! I was totally wizard! As wizard as Pod-Racing! So wizard that I'm bringing it back!
Just then a Force Vision enters my head of Haruno cad in her Sobu uniform, grasping me by the tie as she pulled me into a ruff, passionate kiss. Her soft strawberry lips like morphine. And holy hell Haruhi at that moment I wanted a girl with lips like morphine.
'Knock me out~'
Achievement unlocked: Breaking The Rule Of Two
Geh!
I hope Microsoft sues your ass into oblivion achievement-chan!
Wait, then wouldn't that mean I would be sued into oblivion too?
Fuck!
Yeah, it's probably much safer for my sanity (and my wallet) just to ignore it…
Hold on…, WHY the hell am I internally monologuing this long-ass exposition dump like I'm in some kind of shitty fanfic written by some Hack who probably got his title wrong?
Oh…, so telling me would violate your NDA huh…
What the fuck?!
Why the hell do you even have an NDA Kyon?!
'It's A Trap!'
Damn right, Admiral! It's time to embrace Haruno-… JAPAN!
It's time to embrace Japan and ignore this Hachiman! Ignore it, just like how your new fren Alpaca-man has been ignoring you.
Right…, now where was I with Alpaca-man…?
I turned to face the television once more.
I swear Japanese TV gets crazier every time I turn it on. It's either the work of Haruhi or a shady and evil organization like the NHK that I found this channel in the first place.
Note to self: Double check that Steins;Gate is safely an anime and not a real conspiracy in this fucking anime world.
Supplemental note to self: Investigate the NHK…
I glare at Alpaca-man who was just standing there on the TV screen.
"Don't play games, I know you're watching…"
'…'
"That's right freak, it behooves you nothing to ignore me you knooooow~…"
'…'
Only silence is returned to me from the blank emotionless face of Alpaca-man. His gaze was like that of burnt-out salarymans…, apathetic, soulless, and empty.
It was like Alpaca-man was mocking me with his dead gaze.
'…'
"Wait! If you cut off negotiations, it can only lead to war! Accept a truce, and I will listen to whatever you have to say. Let's work toward a compromise!"
"What are you doing onii-san…?"
Geh!
I turned woodenly to face Komachi who was now standing just outside of the kitchen with a drink in hand and giving me a look of concerned pity.
Feeling a bit embarrassed I fake coughed into my hand.
"Ahem, nothing…"
Even while she rolls her eyes at me, she's still the cutest in the world.
"You were talking to the TV onii-san…"
"It's not a problem."
Komachi lets out a sigh and goes to sit on the living room couch.
"Look ever since you locked yourself in your room on Tanabata you've been acting…, well, more weird than usual onii-san. Are you okay…? Does this have something to do with Yukinoshita-san? Y'know every time you come home from one of your dates with her, you totally look about as haggard as oto-san when he comes home after working overtime…"
Geh, while it is true that Haruno has dragged me to some very nice restaurants to 'keep up appearances' lately; surely it's not THAT bad right Kyon?
No wait, 'since you locked yourself in your room on Tanabata…?' T-that was all just a nightmare right…?
Please, pretty please, let all have just been a nightmare Haruhi!
Cryptic bullshit indeed Staff Sergeant…
Achievement unlocked: A Nightmare Reality
NOOOOOoooooooooooooo!
"Um, onii-san…?"
Ignore it! Embrace Japan and ignore it for Komachi, Hachiman!
"Ah, sorry Komachi-chan. Um, what were we… —oh right, I already told you that they weren't real dates and you do remember that I have a fiancé right?"
"Yeah…, keep telling yourself that…, but isn't that all the more reason you should stop seeing her, scum-niisan~? Yukinoshita-san clearly isn't good for you, scum-niisan~."
"Oi, just as 'One does not simply walk into Mordor', one does not simply ignore Yukinoshita Haruno. You haven't met her, so trust your onii-san when I say she's scary as hell my dear little sister."
There is evil there that does not sleep you knooooow~.
["Hide behind an empty face~"]
"Well speak of the Devil…"
["Don't ask too much, just say~"]
"*Sigh.* Sorry, I need to take this Komachi-chan."
["'Cause this is just a game~"]
"Fine…, I'll head back to my room, but—"
["It's a beautiful lie~"]
"—are you really okay, onii-san…?"
["It's a perfect denial~"]
"I'm fine." I lied.
["Such a beautiful lie to believe in~"]
Komachi glared at me for a moment and then walked away.
That she used my given name like it was a curse just now was totally my imagination!
["So beau-…~"]
"Yes, what is it now Haruno?"
["You're so cold Hikigaya-kun~! You'll hurt your onee-san's feelings like that y'know~?"]
"Yes~, yes~, so what do you want this time? Is it to go on another one of your little dates Haruno?"
["Ara~, is that your way of asking me on a date Hi-ki-ga-ya-kun~? How cute~."]
"Let's break-up Haruno…"
["So cruel~! Not only did you skip out on your onee-san's birthday~! Now you're breaking-up with her over the phone~?! Your too cruel Hikigaya-kun~!"]
"I'm hanging up."
["Ne~, aren't you curious as to why I called~? If you hang up now Shizuka-chan may be left in a bit of a bind y'know~?"]
"…Are you going back on our arrangement Haruno?"
["No~, I just happen to have gotten a call from Shizuka-chan~. She said she was being held at a police box and asked if I could help her out~. Unfortunately~, I have some scheduled lab time I couldn't get out of~, so Shizuka-chan asked me to contact her fiancé and gave me your number~!"]
"…" I facepalmed.
["Piff—Isn't that nice Hikigaya-kun~!"]
That idiot…, she must have really wanted to brag about having a fiancé and told Haruno without thinking, probably…
Still, the fact that Shizuka can be a careless idiot sometimes is one of the things I like about her so…, it's not a problem.
[Hello~? Are you still there Hikigaya-kun~?"]
"Um, sorry, just took a moment to process what you just said to me, *sigh* could you text me which police box she's at?"
["Sure~, I can do that for you~!"]
"Thanks, I'll be sure to return the favor Haruno."
["Great~! Then, next time you'll be the one to take your onee-san on a date Hi-ki-ga-ya-kun~! Till then~, have fun with Shizuka-chan~!"]
With that, the call abruptly ends.
That woman…
A star destroyer klaxon sounds a moment later indicating I received a text.
"What the hell are you looking at…?"
'…'
Alpaca-man's apathetic stare continues to mock me until shut off the TV…
Dressed in suit-kun I was standing outside of a Chiba city police box with nicotine-chan feeling a bit hesitant to go in there.
Come on, you can do this Hachiman, you're no longer carrying an illegal firearm, nor did an emboldened, high-school-aged, Haruno antagonize the local Yakuza and those violent kidnapping attempts never took place…
Sergeant Fuji of the Criminal Affairs Division isn't stalking you, trying to unearth all the dirty work ordered by a Diet Member who didn't bat an eye at hiring a former child soldier…
Your kill count has been Re:Zero'd in this fucking anime world…
So stop being such a chicken shit, and just go in there and pick up your fiancé already!
'Like normal, nice, and normal…'
Achievement unlocked: Abnormal
Letting out a long sigh, I put out my cigarette in my portable ashtray and entered the police box.
Introducing myself as Hiratsuka Shizuka's fiancé to the duty officer, I was led to a distraught Shizuka who was still receiving a stern lecture.
Apparently, when she hit a hundred-and-forty-two kilometers per hour on the expressway, she saw some serious shit… Like the flashing red lights in her rear-view mirror.
I swear it was only thanks to her plot armor for the summer camp that her license wasn't just suspended Haruhi.
After apologizing with Shizuka to the police, I ended up out, 33,000 yen so that she could pay her fine and we could leave.
"Geez…, things got really scary for a moment back there. I didn't have enough money to pay the damn fine, so they were about to impound beloved steed when you arrived! Those damn tax parasites!"
Um Shizuka, technically your car was impounded, that's why that fine was so high you knooooow~. Wait, that's not what's important here!
"Oi! Don't yell that in front of a police box you idiot!"
I grabbed Shizuka's hand and pulled her away from the front of the police box and led her towards the parking lot where her red Aston Martin was. Upon arriving at her car I let go of Shizuka's hand and turned to face her.
That's when it happened…
Faster than I could react Shizuka engaged me in her particular form of skinship (violence) by pulling me into a crushing embrace that left me breathless.
Soft, warm, real… Several strands of silky smooth long black hair caress my cheek, as the weight of her head came to rest on my shoulder. My sense of smell was overwhelmed by the scent of lavender and tobacco. I felt the warmth of her body enveloping me through her vest and dress shirt which made my time at Fort Drum seem like an all-too-distant memory as the softness of her chest pressed into mine. Her breasts were as subtle as an artillery barrage and they feel so fucking amazing Haruhi!
"Thank you so much, you really saved me back there Hachiman…"
The heat of her breath as she whispers into my ear short-circuits my brain causing me to return her embrace.
Thought Acceleration goes active, slowing down time like we were in a cliché scene of a K-drama romance that I would NEVER admit to having been watching lately.
'You don't have to say you love me~ You don't have to say nothing~ You don't have to say you're mine~ Honey~'
'(Ah-ah-ah~!) I'd walk through fire for you~ Just let me adore you~ Oh~, honey~'
'(Ah-ah-ah~!)' "I'd walk through fire for you~ Just let me adore you~ Like it's the only thing I'll ever do~"
I felt Shizuka's body twitch in my arms.
"Wh-what are you saying?"
"Like it's the only thing I'll ever do?"
Ah crap! I totally got caught up in the moment distraction-chan!
Shizuka abruptly detaches herself from me, her cheeks now flushing pink and her ears turning crimson.
"L-look Hikigaya what happen just now— I didn't mean— damn it how could you just shamelessly spout that kind of nonsense to me in public like was nothing, you idiot?!"
"Like you didn't enjoy it…"
Those lovely gray eyes of hers flared as she glared at me.
"Hey don't get cocky you damn brat! Just who the hell do you think you're talking to anyways?!"
A repulsive sadistic smirk that I left the Army with flashed across my face.
"Um, that would be my fiancé whose outstanding traffic fines I just paid, by the way, the ring looks good on you Shizuka…, it matches your eyes."
Her face goes completely red as she averts her gaze while fidgeting with the platinum engagement ring that's on her finger.
"Y-you think so…?" She muttered with a silly grin on her face before fake coughing into her hand to clear away some of the embarrassment she was currently drowning in.
"Ahem-ahem, S-so about that suit you're wearing…," Shizuka looks me up and down curiously. It was almost as if she had seen me in a similar black suit before somewhere and just couldn't place when that was exactly…
No, I'm not being paranoid that's totally what her eyes say Kyon!
With a quick dismissive shake of her head, a slightly guilty expression clouds her features.
"Say, you didn't end up ditching work for this did you?"
So she's automatically assuming I'm ditching work huh.
"No I was enjoying a night off at home, what did you think I would show up to a police box dressed in a high school uniform as your fiancé?"
"O-of course not you idiot! Still, I wasn't exactly expecting you to show up like this. With those dead eyes of yours, you look like a washed-out salaryman from the Showa Era who leaped through time Hikigaya."
"Well of course you would know all about the Showa Era wouldn't you Shizuka."
Oh shit! Those words just came naturally out of my mouth!
That's when it happened…
Faster than I could react Shizuka engaged me in her particular form of skinship (violence) by gut-punching me with her iron fist, which brought me to my knees, leaving me breathless.
"Geez…, just when it finally seemed that you were improving a bit, you still prove to be just as rotten as ever… Hey, a-are you alright?"
"I'm fine…, just give me a moment." I wheezed, wiping a trickle of blood from my lips.
"It's not a problem."
"Aren't you getting tired of quoting that anime yet?"
Oi, like I want to hear that from you.
Shizuka's eyes glare dangerously at me, proving once again that she was a damn Newtype.
"Negative." I reply while standing up with shaky legs, clutching my stomach. "What can I say, sometimes I help but empathize with that shows protagonist. But more importantly about that phone call…"
"Yeah, sorry about that. I called a former student of mine, she's Yukinoshita's older sister, and when she said she couldn't help me I panicked because it didn't look like that ass of a traffic cop who wouldn't stop lecturing me, would let me make another call any time soon. So I kinda let slip that I had a f-fiancé to her and gave out the number your little sister gave me. B-but I don't think we'll have to worry about her, I mean it's not like she knows who you are or anything right?"
"…"
"H-Hikigaya…, Y-Yukinoshita's older sister doesn't know about you right…?"
"Um, about that, I'm actually already acquainted with Yukinoshita Haruno, Shizuka…" I said scratching the back of my neck.
"No, y-you're kidding, right? How? When—?" Her eyes widened in horror as her face suddenly went pale.
"—I ran into her at the mall about a month ago, when Yukinoshita dragged me there to help look for some gifts for Yuigahama's birthday…" With a thousand-yard stare, I began to recall all my far too many interactions with Haruno so far. "*Sigh* and knowing her, it wouldn't surprise me if she was someone who could pick up on who I was from just voice alone, in all honesty."
"Ah what the hell Hachiman?! Oh God, this is such a disaster! Haruno is never going to let me live this down damn it!"
"Ahem, well…, at least now you have someone to show the ring off to Shizuka." I deadpanned while giving her a thumbs-up.
"T-that…, that hardly makes this situation any better you dumbass!"
Shizuka searches her breast pocket for a cigarette only to come up empty.
Carp…, it looks like she's about to cry…
With no other acceptable option, I pulled out one of my own Seven Stars cigarettes and hand it to her. She automatically takes it and when she brings it to her lips I light it for her.
"Ah, thanks."
"It's not a problem."
Leaning back on her car and seeming to calm down a bit, Shizuka exhales a plume of smoke. After lighting a cigarette of my own I stand by her side to join her.
"…"
"…"
"Hey…, no I think we do have a big problem here… Just when the hell did you start smoking you damn brat?"
"Hmm, just before my first deploy— Ahem, I mean that's classified."
"Geez, this is all so messed up…, I don't even know where to begin with you Hikigaya…"
"…"
"…"
"Um, by the way, if you just asked me for my number I would have given it to you."
"Piff—Yeah, well your little sister didn't seem to have that much confidence you…"
"Tch."
"Even so, if you had my number you could have tried calling me first or do I really seem that unreliable to you Shizuka?"
"W-well no it's not that, it's just that Haruno still owes me a favor, and besides it seemed like you've been avoiding recently, s-so I wasn't too sure you would have answered my call."
Geh, I may have still been subconsciously avoiding her ever since fuckin Tanabata probably…
"Oi y-you're just imagining things, I mean I totally brought you a lunch today, and wouldn't it be more of a problem if I showed you even more attention at school?"
"You're right that would be bad! A-and I really do appreciate the lunches you have been bringing me Hikigaya, they're really good… S-so…, y-you wouldn't mind if I t-texted you sometimes right…?"
"O-of course I wouldn't mind, you're my fiancé so I would be more than happy if called or texted me Shizuka," I said ignoring the feeling in the Force that I was somehow making a big mistake…
Surely it won't be that bad right Kyon? Kyon…? Where did Kyon go? Is he on another union break distraction-chan?
"That's right! I'm your f-fiancé! T-there's nothing wrong or immoral about staying in touch with your f-fiancé! It's perfectly normal in fact!"
Oi, why does it seem like she's trying hard to convince herself of that? It's not like we would be doing anything illegal, probably…
After nodding adorably a few times to herself in self-affirmation, Shizuka stubs out her finished cigarette in her portable ashtray and a moment later I do the same.
"Ahem, W-well once again thank you for helping me out here, I'll be sure to make you… Oh, I know! Say have you eaten yet, Hikigaya?"
"Ah, no I haven't."
"Right! Then why don't I treat you to some ramen?"
Wait, were those stars in her eyes just now? Seriously how much does she love ramen anyways?
"Um, s-sure I guess."
"Alright great! Come on, get in, I know just the place."
"Roger Roger."
"Piff—."
'Good soldiers follow orders'
So as I was ordered, I hopped into the passenger as she started the car.
Hold on, didn't she just ask me out on a date…?
After a quick stop at a nearby konbini for her cigarettes, we were on our way.
'Uuu~! Wow~! It's dare~, ow~! Hole in the wall~, in the wall Around~, uuu~! Wow~! It's dare~, ow~! Get up in the wall~, in the wall~ In the world around~, uuu~! Wow~! Uuu~! Wow~! Hole in the wall~! Ow~! Wow~! Uuu~!'
'Loosing your~… Loosing your~… Loosing your~… Loosing your~… Loosing your~… Loosing your~…'
'I could be your boy~ You could be my girl~ I could be your boy~ Come on rock my world~. I could be your boy~ You could be my girl~ I could be your boy~ Come on rock my world~. I could be your boy~ You could be my girl~ I could be your boy~ Come on rock my world~.'
'Wow~! It's~… Ow~, Wu~! Hole in the wall~, in the wall Around~, uuu~! Wow~! It's~… Ow~, Wu~! Hole in the wall~, in the wall~ Around the world~! Wow~! Uuu~!'
'Time goes by~, so slowly~ Time goes~, time goes~, time goes by~ Time goes by~, so slowly~ Time goes by~, so slowly~ Time goes by~, so slowly~ Loosing your~… Loosing your~… Loosing your~… Ah-ah-ah ah-ahhhh~! Ohh~ Ohh~! Yeah-O~ Yeah-O~ Yeah-O~ I've got to know~!'
While distraction-chan was having fun in the back of the car mixing Pop Culture, I couldn't help but feel a nervous tension growing inside of me. Much like before embarking on a potentially hazardous combat patrol. I mean this was a date right? We were going out to have a meal together so that totally made this a date you knooooow~. O-kay…, be cool Hachiman, unlike with Haruno, This Is Real, so stay frosty and don't fuck up or she'll end up leaving you for ramen-kun.
There's a nasty minefield around her, so let's just keep things safe and slow…
'We kept it safe and slow~ The quiet things that no one ever knows~'
WHOA! STOP! STOP!
That's a song about a broken marriage distraction-chan!
Why the hell weren't you watching her Kyon?! Shit was he still AWOL?!
Did we leave him behind…?
As I was thinking that, the car gradually slowed down until we arrived at a certain spot.
"Alright, we're here."
"Wait…, this is a ramen place?"
"This is a spot that is well known even among connoisseurs. The thing is, you can only get here by car."
She really loves ramen huh, I wonder if I should become a ramen critic so we'll get the best ending…
Shizuka walked gallantly into the restaurant and sat down at the counter and I took the seat next to her. It seems that she was a regular here.
"Welcome!"
There's a deep charm to the image of a modern beauty at a ramen shop. Even if said beauty, was dressed in black slacks, with only a vest and tie to cover her dress shirt. I still couldn't help but find her captivating.
Shizuka was receiving an unusual amount of attention, but she didn't seem bothered by it as she cheerfully set up the apron provided at the counter and scouted out the black pepper, white sesame, leaf mustard, and pickled red ginger.
Whoa, she's getting way too into this huh.
"Mind if I make a recommendation?"
"Not at all, if it's you, I'm sure you'll pick something good Shizuka."
Her face lights up at that.
"Ha… Well, that's an awfully nice thing of you to say. Two of the usual, please."
"Comin' right up!"
After ordering in a mach—ahem, assertive way, the smile she gave me made my heart beat at a rapid rate like it was a SAW suppressing terrorists. It almost made me forget that we were just at a ramen place for a moment.
"Here you are!"
""Itadakimasu.""
Holy Haruhi, this is…!
The clear, golden-colored soup. The smooth yellowish noodles floating in the broth, the roasted pork fillet, the half-boiled egg, and the silvery green onions. I knew before I even tasted it. This ramen will be like none I'd ever eaten before…
"I love you Shizuka…," seriously trusting her recommendation for ramen may have been the best decision of my life…, I fuckin love this woman damn it!
Holy fucking shit Haruhi! It's so delicious!
Kyon has no idea what the hell he's missing!
It's a simple soy sauce-based soup with a deep rich flavor. A perfect blend of chicken and seafood broth that's so exquisite it makes you want to drink it up right away. As for the noodles, it's surprisingly easy to eat, but it still has some bite to it. Not too chewy, not too soft, just right. It almost feels like it's eating itself for me. Before even swallowing, I already knew… this is perfection.
***"This is Morgan Freeman here, and I'd like to take the time to remind the readers that you are still reading a, quite frankly, poorly written romantic comedy, and not, a review on ramen, though I'm sure the ramen that young man is currently eating, is in fact, quite good…, I remember the time when I traveled to Japan, and had a bowl ramen, just like that young man, sitting there, next to his flustered fiancé, it was also, quite good…" NO! OUR BUDGET KYON!***
The crunchy texture, the fragrance of the green onion, and the delicious taste of the meat that will fill your mouth with a perfect harmony…, it's so fucking amazing that I just seriously gave it a full review in my mind Haruhi!
I turned to look at Shizuka, only to find her staring wide-eyed at me with her face flushed a light shade of crimson right to her ears.
Oh, fuck! I must have lost all self-control and ate like I was still in the Army, no wonder she looked so shocked. She was so embarrassed by my lack of manners that she hardly touched her ramen damn it!
Get your shit together Hachiman the Army taught you better than that!
"H-Hachiman, y-you really do l-love—"
"—I'm sorry, I showed you something unsightly."
"Wh-what, no, y-you don't need to apologize, i-it was the f-first-time so I-I was just s-surprised. Ahem! The ramen was delicious r-right?! A-and you really do l-love—RAMEN, too, don't you?! That makes me really happy! So very happy! I do too! I-I also love, r-ramen, Hachiman…"
Um, wh-what is happening?
Am I missing something here?
Because even though (I think) Shizuka just confessed her love for ramen-kun right in front of my face, my heart is racing like I just fired off a Gustaf. Wait, she doesn't have a thing for men who eat ramen well or something right? I mean that would be a little weird even for her, probably…
"I-is that so? Then why don't we go try a few other spots t-together sometime."
"Really?"
"W-well, no matter where we go, I'll always feel satisfied if it's with you Shizuka."
"Eh? You're satisfied… as long as you go with me? I-is that… right? I-I see. H-Hachiman, You're satisfied as long as we go t-together…"
"Ahem, hey if you keep strutting like that it makes it kind of embarrassing and you don't need to repeat it so many times."
I know its asking a lot but please stop acting like you're a girl in high school Shizuka.
But seriously why is she acting like this?
Was it you…? Is this the true power of your final form suit-kun? She has been strutting a lot today, you knooooow~.
"W-What are you talking about?! More importantly…, what was I talking about?"
Yeah, is she alright? And where the hell have you been Kyon?!
Morgan Freeman?
What the fuck does Morgan Freeman have to do with anything?! Damn it, I don't have time for this shit Kyon!
"*Sigh* Look Shizuka, what I'm trying to say is that I just want to spend more time with you okay…"
Well maybe you could have told me if you didn't just go AWOL Kyon! Still, you're right, just what is up with this atmosphere?
"H-Hachiman… Y-You—Do you like tomatoes?"
—Huh…?
"Huh?"
"Well, I don't like tomatoes, so even tomato-made ramen is a no-go for me."
"So, you really don't like tomatoes?"
"Yeah, I can't stand how squishy they are, and they kinda taste like grass."
The strange, awkward atmosphere that was between us disappeared and somehow I felt in that exact moment, that Shizuka and I just became so much closer to each other, than ever before…, probably…
"Well, no matter the type of tomato, I don't like them as a whole either. And I think cucumbers are just evil."
"Oh, I hate cucumbers too for similar reasons."
"I know right? And they always get snuck into potato salad or sandwiches and make it all taste like cucumbers."
"They're good as pickles, though," noted Shizuka. It was something a heavy drinker would say. "I could go for some right now."
Well as a heavy drinker myself I could agree with her on that.
"Yeah, I'd love a few."
"…"
For some reason, the conversation trailed off there, and silence fell upon us. Had she misheard me or something? She looked totally dazed. When her eyes met mine, she sucked down her water in a sudden panic.
"Oh, right, p-pickles. Mm-hmm. M-me too. I…l-love them."
"Um, are you alright? Your face turned red all of a sudden you knooooow~."
"T-that's because… It's hot! Ah, this weather's crazy. Aren't you hot in that suit? Geez, just looking at you makes me feel hot!"
*Crack.*
"Whoops, I broke my chopsticks. Ah-ha-ha-ha~…"
I-I can hear AC running full blast and to be honest while we're subject I never felt warm after leaving Fort Drum… Also, I don't think chopsticks usually break in your hands…
Oh carp!
I totally just said the L-word in front her! So it's no wonder she's feeling so on edge right now. I need be more careful or I'll end up acting like one of those fucking dense harem protagonists…
Even so, she looks so fucking cute right now damn it!
"I–Is that so…, ahem, anyway feel free to take me to any ramen spot you recommend, Shizuka."
"Alright, you got it! Fu-fu~, look forward to it Hachiman!"
Shizuka looked really happy as she said that, and I could tell by her movements as she grabbed a new pair of chopsticks and began eating her ramen that she was also looking forward to it as well.
In the comfortable, companionable silence that followed, I lit a cigarette and made use of the ashtray that was in front of me.
'I~…, lie~, for~… only you~…'
'And I~…, lie~, well~…, Hallelu~…'
Um…, hey d-distraction-chan…?
'I~…! lie~…! For~…! only you~…!'
'And I~…! lie~…! well~…! Hallelu~…!'
Oi!
'So keep the blood in your head~! (I~…!) And keep your feet on the ground~! Today's the day it gets tired~! (lie~…!) Today's the day we drop out~! (For~…!) Gave up my body and bed~! (only you~…!) All for an empty hotel~! Wasting words on lower cases and capitals~!'
Oi! Oi! Stop her! Distraction-chan is on another tirade Kyon!
'So keep the blood in your head~! (And I~…!) And keep your feet on the ground~! Today's the day it gets tired~! (lie~…!) Today's the day we drop out~! (well~…!) Gave up my body and bed~! (Hallelu~…!) All for an empty hotel~! Wasting words on lower cases and capitals~!'
Well despite the awkwardness, the lack of romance, and even the trolling of distraction-chan, I couldn't help feel content with how my first date with Shizuka was turning out. Although it was simple, there was something truly special about enjoying ramen in her company.
It felt real.
And for the first time in this fucking anime world, I felt like I experiencing something genuine.
Enjoying ramen with Hiratsuka Shizuka is the best. And I would fight any invasive meat-bag who dares to disagree with that.
…
So she feels hot just by looking at me huh…
"That's a good smile Hachiman."
Author's Note:
The End
Wait! Wait! Wait! I was just kidding Reader-san don't leave!
Preview? What are you talking about Reader-san?
Just like how the U.S. didn't totally blow the hell out of Nord Stream 2 there was no preview Reader-san.
Believe it! You can trust me Reader-san I would never try to gaslight you.
Besides if some new intern ever dared to leak an Episode before it was ready, then they would be facing a firing squad right about now, just as Haruhi demands of us Reader-san.
Ah, one moment Reader-san.
FIRE!
*Turns back and smiles reassuringly*
Ahem, so yeah, sorry for the delay, as I stated in the reviews death-chan had absconded with my best friend at the start of this year IRL. Which means, 'I'm still and he's a ghost'..., so F's in the chat I guess…?
As always, thank you for the reviews!
And a salute to absent friends as we continue!
[App Fren-ly End Space]