Episode 12
~Regardless Not Getting Leave Over Summer Break Is Wrong~
I may be caught in a time loop…
The sound of cicadas could be heard over the low volume of a baseball game that I lost interest in, and I couldn't shake this intense feeling of déjà vu I've been having while lazing on the living room couch, playing what was arguably the best game of the Star Wars Battlefront series with my new best fren vita-chan.
Not that anything could ever replace you distraction-chan! In fact, vita-chan can only bring us closer together you knooooow~…
Still, I'm very pleased that the Major (my mother) with the help of Komachi, got me this for my (twenty-ninth) birthday!
It's so fuckin wizard!
Unlike the Yamaha keyboard the old man got me, which I suspect really came from the Demon Lord because of all the dark energy emitting from Yamaha-chan that my ahoge sense.
I really do hope that Project Band-Maid will be enough to keep the Demon Lord and her large, admittedly, fucking awesome orbs, off my back for the summer…
And my coming up with Project Band-Maid was totally just to distract the Demon Lord and not because I wanted to hear their songs a year early or to see them live while also getting their autographs (especially that hot bass player) you knooooow~.
Y-yeah, it was totally just a distraction!
Riiiiight~, distraction-chan~?
Although the light in Honda Kenji-san's eyes was kinda scary when he left to poach the new idol talent from the list of names I gave him…
'Fuck work-style reform.'
Scary…
That Studio 8 office onee-san I ran into by the elevators was scary for a whole other reason. I really need to make sure I don't sign another contract with the Demon Lord lest I become a brain-washed corporate slave like that sad office onee-san who was making eyes at Director what's his name, Teiji-something…?
And why the hell is Studio 8's head of HR so overly dramatic Haruhi?!
Whoa! Combat-roll clone trooper-kun! That lightsaber almost took your head off!
[Pew! Pa-pew! Pew! *Wilhelm scream*]
Ha! Get wrecked Jedi scum!
Well anyway, in the end, there was not enough space in my room for Yamaha-chan, and if it weren't for the blissful Ignorance of the old man, I'd think that the damn daughtercon was trying to tell me something by placing it in the guest room…
And right now I still can't shake this damnably annoying feeling of déjà vu despite the best efforts of vita-chan (and distraction-chan who was totally helping too! NOT just sulking on the couch watching baseball!) and I don't think it's from how many times I watched the anime either.
*Sigh* Fucking anime world…
I may definitely be caught in a time loop… probably.
The only problem is that even if I'm super sus that a time loop is among us, I have no way to prove that there really is one. It's not like I can just vent into space you knooooow~. And even if I could, I'd still have no way to tell if I were on my eighth or if Haruhi were feeling particularly cruel, my one-hundredth and eighth iteration of this Endless Eight Hell…
N-No…, I don't think it would be fifteen thousand five hundred thirty-two times…, after all, I'm not you Kyon.
Besides the time loop isn't running from August seventh to August thirty-first, so this is clearly different!
Probably…
…
Fuck.
If only I knew for certain that I was actually caught in a time loop, and what iteration I was on!
I sure as hell wouldn't start what was amounting to my first ever leave (and no, those five fucking depressing years after the Army through me away don't count as leave Kyon) at a summer camp with over a hundred elementary school-aged children especially not after that particularly nasty NATO fuck up in Fuckin Afghanistan where the terrorists—
Whoa!
FUCK. NO.
It's best not to even go there… God, I really hate Fuckin Afghanistan…
Achievement unlocked: That's A Treaty Violation
Nope. Just nope.
That honestly wasn't even funny…, so kindly fuck off achievement-chan.
The only reason I'm not just ghosting this event is because of the promise I made to the Specialist.
Even so, I can't help but wonder how things would have played out differently if I actually knew that Haruhi had sentenced me to 'Endless Eight Hell'…
'Ahhhh~, ya-ya-yaaah~, ya-ya-yah~ yah~ ya-yaaah~. Ohohohohoooh~, oh-ya-yah~, ya-ya-yah~ ya-yaah~.'
As distraction-chan (who was totally not being lazy by the way) sets the mood with a song that perfectly encapsulates how I felt about the Endless Eight. My eyes momentarily drift away from vita-chan and land on a teen magazine that Komachi that left on the coffee table. On the cover, in a devil-may-care pose, was Kawasomething in all her washed-out glory.
My ahoge twitch as some disturbingly realistic scenarios played out inside my head.
'Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeh~, Ye-ye-yeh~, Ye-ye-yeh~, Ohohohohoh~.'
Like how I ended up skipping summer camp with the Service (club), encountered Kawasomething, and somehow became her part-time manager for the summer where I ended up getting Haruno'd.
'Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeh~ Ye-ye-yeh~ Ye-ye-yeh~, Ohohohohooooooooooo~! Aaaaoooooh~, aaaooo~ hooo~ haha~.'
Or how I tried to skip summer camp by eloping with vita-chan only for Shizuka to end up kidnapping me where I would once again end up getting Haruno'd.
'Nah-nah-nah-nah~ nuh nuh~ nah nuh-nuh~, nah nuh-nuh~, nuh nah~!'
Or how I skipped summer camp only to be caught by Demon Lord and forced to work on Project Band-Maid at Studio 8 for the summer where I would also end up getting Haruno'd.
'Nah-nah-nah-nah nun~, nun ah-nah~, nun ah-nah~, nah-nah-nah-nah-nah~!'
Then how after I successfully skipped summer camp despite Shizuka trying to kidnap me, only to be to end up kidnapped by none other than Mio-chan's manager (who I'll admit really did need a vacation) and be forced to act as Mio-chan's part-time manager for the summer where once again, I would also end up getting Haruno'd.
'Nah-nah-nah-nah-naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah~! Dah dah daaaaaaaaaah~…'
I'm seriously getting some fucking Tanabata vibes from all this, mostly because of the kidnappings and getting Haruno'd.
'Da-da-dah~, daaah~, daa-daah~.'
Thankfully just like Hikigaya Hachiman's middle school contacts, that timeline was deleted.
'Lololololoooooooooooooo~! La la-laaaaah~, la la laah~, lol~, haha~.'
The fact that Haruno came up with that song was totally just a coincidence.
'Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho~, ho-ho-ho~, ho-ho-ho~, oh-ho-ho-ho-ho~!'
Even so…, even so…
I close my eyes, only to see an ethereal image of a lacy bra smacking me in the face.
'Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho~, ho-ho-ho~, ho-ho-ho~, lo-lo-loooo~!'
WHY THE HELL CAN'T I REMEMBER THE BEST PART OF THAT DELETED TIMELINE KYON?!
Ah…!
I died.
See~, you're totally winning right now distraction-chan~!
Oh! Hero spawn is available! That's so wizard!
["Goodbye~"
"What are 'you' to me? I ask myself~ I don't have any answers-~ yes, I don't want to understand~"
"The only one thing-~ if there's one thing I can say from the bottom of my heart-~"
"'You are beautiful'~"]
Purposefully ignoring the call from Shizuka, as a bit of psychological warfare on my part and totally not just because I wanted to chill out with vita-chan (and distraction-chan too). I returned to my execution of Order 66 by slaughtering my through the Jedi Temple with a lightsaber.
Before long several star destroyer klaxon's sounded in rapid succession from smart-kun so I paused my game to check my latest text messages.
[10:07
FROM: Hiratsuka
TITLE: Once you've checked your mail, please reply.
This is Hiratsuka Shizuka. Please call me when you read this message.]
[10:08
FROM: Hiratsuka
TITLE: Once you've checked your mail, please reply. Re1
Hikigaya-kun, I have an urgent announcement regarding the Service Club's activities over summer break. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.]
[10:08
FROM: Hiratsuka
TITLE: Once you've checked your mail, please reply. Re2
Are you still asleep? I've sent a few texts and called you quite a few times now.]
[10:08
FROM: Hiratsuka
TITLE: Once you've checked your mail, please reply. Re3
You've noticed them, haven't you?]
'Your love is scaring me~ No one has ever cared for me~ as much~, as you do~, Ooh~, yeah~, I need you here~'
[10:08
FROM: Hiratsuka
TITLE: Once you've checked your mail, please reply. Re4
You've noticed them, right?]
'Your love is scaring me~ No one has ever cared for me~ as much~, as you do~, Ooh~, yeah~, I need you here~'
[10:09
FROM: Hiratsuka
TITLE: Once you've checked your mail, please reply. Re5
Answer the phone.]
Scary~… Not gonna lie that's kind of scary Shizuka. And even though that's clearly a giant red flag…, I'm okay with it. She really does make me feel needed after all. And I'll admit that, that desperate onee-san aspect of hers does turn me on a bit.
'If we fall apart~, maybe it wasn't meant to be~ If we fall apart~, it was our favorite dream~'
Oi, now you're just trolling me distraction-chan…
This has been in the back of my mind for a while now, but aren't some of distraction-chan's song choices a bit inappropriate for someone her age?
Oh, so distraction-chan is synced up to my 'Cloud' huh…
How the hell does that make any sense Kyon?!
No, it's best just not to think too deeply about it, besides I have some Jedi to kill.
Riiiiight~, vita-chan~?
Right about when I had a good kill-streak going. Komachi came down from her room on the second floor. By all appearances, she had spent the day in the clothes she'd slept in. She was wearing an oversized hand-me-down T-shirt and thankfully a comfy pair of too short, short-shorts besides just running around in her underwear.
"Ah~, I'm finally done with my summer homework~!"
"Good job. If you want a drink, there's coffee, Max Coffee, and we have some barley tea in the fridge."
"Aren't coffee and Max Coffee the same thing onii-san?"
"No, Max Coffee is NOT coffee, it's an energy drink Komachi-chan," I said with complete seriousness as I cut down another Jedi with a lightsaber throw.
"Well whatever~. Hey onii-san~, I studied really hard~."
"Yeah, you'd have to."
"I did so much work, I think I deserve to treat myself," she said while lazily trying to snatch vita-chan.
Oi, oi, stop trying to take vita-chan away from me. I'm bringing Peace, Freedom, Justice, and Security to my new empire by purging a dangerous group of religious extremists you knooooow~.
"So are you a sad office onee-san that's pushing thirty now?"
The phrase treat yourself evokes the image of an unhappy, unmarried, career woman. For an instant, Shizuka's face flashed before my eyes, however, I was totally going to marry that woman and save her from that fate.
"Anyway, I need a treat onii-san, so you have to go out to Chiba with me." Komachi pouted and huffed. Apparently, no wasn't an option.
"It's not a problem, just keep the spending under fifteen thousand yen, my dear little sister~."
"Whoa! Wait, really, for real onii-san?! Well…, I don't really need anything, though. I just want to go out with you. Oh, that just scored some serious Komachi points~! Ah—!"
"—K-Komachi-chan…?"
Komachi shakes her head rapidly from side to side before reviling a truly heart-breaking smile.
"It's fine! It's fine! I'm seriously alright. You really don't need to worry onii-san!"
To be honest, I am kind of worried, this wasn't the first time something like this has happened and we still had yet to really talk about what happened… Even so, whatever personal demons Komachi was fighting, she was well, keeping them personal. And even if I didn't like it, I would respect her decision on the matter. All I could do was be there for her and have the Specialist look out for her as well, when she has time.
"Ahem, alright then. Um, just make sure you bring some sunscreen and bug repellant and put them in a zip-lock bag so they won't leak into our clothes when you get changed."
"Oh, that's a good idea onii-san~! Hey wait! Onii-san…, if you knew where we were going, why didn't you just answer your phone? Shizuka-san called me because she was worried about you, y'know!" Komachi declared with eyes narrowing.
"Oi, in those magazines you read, did the concept of 'push-and-pull' in relationships ever come up? I pushed now she pulls Komachi-chan." I said with a grin.
"Ugh. That's totally gross and your smile is creepy Onii-san…"
Geh!
"Well whatever~, go ahead and just get ready Onii-san~!"
"Yes~, yes~."
Having finished leading the 501st by killing the last Jedi, I saved my game, turned off vita-chan, and made my way up the stairs to my room.
I changed into the pair of black fatigues pants I got a while back, along with the free gray JSDF t-shirt that came with my tactical boots.
After placing the book that I thought would help Tsurumi into my duffle bag and just when I was about to check if there was anything that I missed, another intense feeling of déjà vu washed over me. I suddenly felt the need to print off my tax information and take it with me. Only I really had no time to be doing something so insane.
I looked over to my desk and noticed that the black beret with the combat service identification badge of my former Division pinned into the blue flash.
It looks like Komachi was snooping in my room again. Well, at least it wasn't the Pan-san headband that Haruno forced on to me. And no Kyon I did NOT like wearing it! That reminds me, I really should get rid of that thing…
Well since it was hot as hell outside and my ahoge was sensitive heat, I put on the black beret along with my favorite pair of badass sunglasses that were reminiscent of the pair Char Aznable wore when he was in the guise of Lieutenant Quattro.
Zipping up my duffle bag, I headed back down to the living room where I found Komachi looking adorable donned in a newsboy cap.
"All right~, let's go~! Ah-he-he~ Chiba~, Chiba~, Chiba~!"
Achievement unlocked: The Cutest In The World
Damn straight achievement-chan!
"Ack! What are you wearing Onii-san?!"
"It's not a problem."
Yep, she really is the cutest in the world.
"Onii-san…"
"Now, then. Care to explain why never answered your phone?" Shizuka asked as she pulls down her shades to glare at me with those sharp, flashing, lovely gray eyes of hers.
"Who knows, my cell reception must have been unstable. So perhaps there's a connection between the number of antennas they have and the number of hairs on their CEO's head of my service provider. Nice rental by the way. But does the amount you're being paid for the 'volunteers' (read free labor) you gathered really justify it though?" I asked, mirroring her action with my own sunglasses while giving her a knowing smirk.
Shizuka pulls her sunglasses back up as she averted her eyes from my gaze.
"W-well, I-I really didn't expect a decent excuse from you in the first place. Ahem, it's fine by me as long as you're alive and you haven't been doing anything too crazy, stupid, dangerous, or idiotic. That's happened before, so I was a little worried…"
"Just what have you been doing onii-san…?"
She was probably referring to the time I got hit by a car, or when I jumped out of the second-story window, or the time I rappelled down the special building, or maybe about the prank I pulled on the Vice Principal at the end of term…
Okay, so maybe she did have a point about being worried Kyon…
"Tch."
"Good thing I was able to reach your sister here, or I have been forced to track you down, but at least now I can relax."
That last comment sent a chill down my spine. I really did need to find a way to disable that passive 'Princess-trait' of mine.
Shizuka was sporting a maroon T-shirt with cargo pants tucked into a pair of hiking boots. It was a look she pulled off well, as it still showed off her curvy silhouette. Her long silky smooth black hair was gathered up in a ponytail under an army green baseball cap which only added to her attractiveness. And although it was a little disappointing that she wasn't wearing some inappropriate, too short, jean shorts that showed off those killer legs of hers like in other media, I hardly cared. Because right now, like a couple, we were totally matching Kyon!
"Ahem, well anyway, we made it here. And see Komachi-chan? I told you what I was wearing wouldn't be a problem. Look, we're totally matching like a couple right now~."
"Hey! What are you saying, you idiot?! D-do…, do you really think so…?" Shizuka said getting slightly flustered while Komachi just rolled her eyes at us.
Even so, I'm totally looking forward to seeing Shizuka in that sexy bikini you knooooow~.
Oh Fuck!
I totally forgot my swimsuit damn it!
Fucking anime world with its stupid déjà vu and possible fuckin time loops!
Ah-well…, nothing I can do about it now. And aside from having friends and a sense of humor, the only other reason I didn't join the Navy was because I didn't follow TOOL-sensei's suggestion to learn to swim…
'Learn to swim~, learn to swim~ Learn to swim~, learn to swim~
Learn to swim~, learn to swim~ Learn to swim~, learn to swim~'
Oi, I don't need that look of pity distraction-chan, it's like I'm about to cry, there's just something in my eyes…
And no, I totally wasn't looking forward to frolicking in the river like an idiot with Totsuka no matter how much fun it looked on TV Kyon…
'Learn to swim~, learn to swim~ Learn to swim~, learn to swim~
Learn to swim~, learn to swim~ Learn to swim~, learn to swim~'
Yes~, yes~. I'll download the song later distraction-chan, and learn to swim.
"Hikky, you're so late!"
I turned to see the Specialist with a very full plastic bag from a convenience store in her hand. She wore a hot-pink sun visor with the kind of T-shirt and short-shorts that make you want to go Whoa, not enough cloth there. It was like she was living for summer.
"Yo, Spec— Ahem, Yuigahama."
The Corporal, I mean, Yukinoshita was standing behind Yuigahama, as if hiding in her shadow. Unusually for her, she was in jeans, paired with a shirt that had a stand-up collar. Though she wasn't showing much skin, she still looked breezy and cool.
With Komachi and Shizuka around I really should be more careful about my use of the…, nicknames (read ranks) I came up for them.
"Yui-san~! Yahallo~!"
"Komachi-chan! Yahallo!"
Geh, that stupid insipid greeting. Stop it.
"Yukino-san~! Yahallo~!"
"Ya— Hello, Komachi-san." Yukinoshita was almost tricked into saying it, but she came to her senses in the nick of time.
Komachi latched on to Yukinoshita.
"I'm so glad I could go with you~!"
Yukinoshita faltered for a moment in the face of Komachi's straightforward affection. She averted her gaze slightly and cleared her throat with a cough.
"…Oh, um…I'm just glad we have someone to look after That."
"Yeah, well fuck you too."
"…!"
"…!"
"…!"
"…?"
There was an immediate silence as distraction-chan looked at me with disappointment. All I could hear was the express train zooming away, a painful sound to my ears, as everyone was at a loss for words.
Oh shit…, I said that out loud, didn't I…?
Just then, Shizuka engages in her particular form of skinship (violence) by giving me a bone-jarring 'love tap' to the back of my skull which offsets my beret and sunglasses.
"Damn it! Language Hachiman!"
"ONII-SAN! I'm so sorry about my stupid brother's behavior Yukino-san!"
"It's alright Komachi-san. There's no need for you to apologize. Unfortunately, I am quite used to that Thing's vulgarities, so it really doesn't faze me."
Yukinoshita said that while shooting me one of her more colder, arctic death glares, as Yuigahama just stared off in the distance after giving an awkward laugh.
"Apologize to her onii-san!"
"*Sigh* I'm sorry Yukinoshita," I said with little sincerity.
"Hmph."
Damn, I really want a cigarette right now Haruhi…
"Okay now, just try to get along you two," Shizuka demanded.
"She started it."
"Hikky!"
"What? She totally started it."
"I'm sorry my brother is such an idiot!"
Just then, a sparkling angel descended upon us with a bright and cheerful smile more radiant than the midsummer sun. Healing the pain of dear little sister's cruel betrayal.
"Hachiman! Hachiman! Hachiman!"
Komachi, who had been standing beside me, hopped up to greet Totsuka.
"Totsuka-san~! Yahallo~!"
"Yeah, Yahallo!" he replied.
Holy crap, that was cute. Let's make that greeting a thing! Wait, what the hell am I thinking?! Totsuka's weaponized Moe must be affecting me, and I swear I'm NOT totally gay Kyon!
'It's kinda gay… I don't know~, I don't know dude~. It seems kinda gay to me~.'
Who the fuck was that?!
No, ignore it!
Just ignore it Hachiman. Hopefully, that was just a one-time thing like Narrator-san…, fucking anime world.
Achievement unlocked: Still Fake And Totally Gay
Oi! You've just made Hikigaya's death list achievement-chan. Oh, that reminds me, those secret government reports he wrote were hilarious. Wait, I don't have time for this distraction-chan. At least Thought Acceleration has been auto-casting…
"Yo, Saika."
"Hey! Where did you get that hat Hachiman? You look so cool!" He said with stars in his eyes.
Awesome! Totsuka thinks the beret is totally wizard! Thank Haruhi that I wore it! Even so, it's not like I can just tell this cute angel that a devil bought it for me at an official military vendor.
So the only thing I could say was:
"That's classified."
"All right, let's get going."
With that, we went to board the minivan. Upon opening the door, I saw the vehicle was a seven-seater. There was the driver's seat, the front passenger seat, another two in the middle in the back, and room for three.
"Yukinon, let's have some snacks, come on!" Yuigahama chirped.
"Those aren't for eating once we're there?" Yukinoshita questioned. The pair was already planning to sit together.
Just when I exultantly started climbing into the back to sit next to Totsuka, my collar was yanked by Shizuka.
"You're sitting shotgun," my fiancé ordered.
"As you wish." I Vader'd, as she dragged me along.
She hid her bright-red face with a hand. "D-don't get the wrong idea, okay?! I-it's not because I want to sit by you!"
"Tsundere much?" Despite her age, it was still cute.
"Just get in the van, you idiot!"
"Roger Roger."
"Piff—." Shizuka let a smile slip.
"Geez, why are you so uselessly good at that, Hachiman…?" she muttered.
Faced with such a tranquil and soft expression, I sat calmly in the front seat, and Shizuka nodded in satisfaction. After checking that everyone was in the van, with their seat belts fastened, she turned the key in the ignition and pressed the gas, and we sped away from my now familiar home station and down the road.
"So we're heading to Chiba Village correct?" I asked just to confirm.
"That's right. It's Chiba Village! Why, did you think our destination was Chiba Station? Too bad!"
"Aren't you a little too excited about this…? And no, I was under no such delusions."
"Wait, that means you really did read my text messages and ignored them, didn't you?!"
"Well, when I finally did look at my phone there were just so many of them~."
"A-hem! S-so how's summer vacation, been?"
"Oh, the usual. Just chilling at home, watching anime, reading, some gaming, and a bit of studying."
"Th-that's the usual?"
"I do have some freelance work as well…" like Project Band-Maid for the Demon Lord. And although I wanted to hear their songs again, I really didn't want mess with the magic that was BRADIO. Man, I can't wait for Golden Liar Kyon! Thankfully distraction-chan will play it for me sometimes though. "…But other than that I really don't have anything else I need to do. Plus I really don't like crowds, and there's no telling what kind of trouble will find you (like Haruno) when you go out. *Sigh* Nothing beat the indoor life of the hikikomori… But, what about you?"
"…Work."
"Huh? They make you work when there's no school during summer vacation…?"
I mean yeah, I may have never got leave when I was in the Army, but at least I got to shoot stuff (at the terrorist).
"Yeah, teachers still work over the summer break. The daily grind marches on…, well, aside from the Bon festival. That's just what it means to be a white-collar worker…"
"Well, that sucks. They really don't pay you enough."
"Ha! Yeah, they don't! But still, I really do like my job…"
We settle into a companionable silence as we sped down the highway…, at least until the agent of chaos in the form of the Specialist spoke up.
"Can you turn the radio on, Hiratsuka-sensei?"
"Oh, sure."
["…-The hot song from their debut album that's still at number one in the charts! This is Isekai's Pretender to Shizuka on Bay FM 78!]
Damn it, Yamada!
That band name is still stupid!
The intro to the song, which was slightly less synthy than the original, began to play on the radio.
"Ah! This is my favorite song Yukinon!"
Oh, thanks, Specialist.
"Yeah, it's one of my favorites as well!"
Totsuka likes the song! That's so wizard!
"Yamada-san is sooo cool~! I hope I get to see him live~!"
Oh no! Not Komachi!
DAMN IT, YAMADA!
'You will not take her from me!'
"Turn it up onii-san~!"
I followed my dear little sister's order while still cursing that damn pretty boy Pop Idol inside my head.
["You and me, our love story~ It's just as I imagined~ After the curtain rises, a one-man show starts~ Though I'm always by your side~ after all, I'm nothing but the audience~"]
Geh!
Shizuka whips her head to look at me with a look of astonished shock, and embarrassment. Her cheeks were flushed pink and her ears instantly turned crimson. It was a testament to her excellent driving still that the mini-van didn't swerve when she made such a violent movement.
["Said feelingless 'I'm sorry'~ It's just on a daily basis~ That's not too bad once you get used to it~ But I knew my romance with you was unlike my self-~ and I realized it would never last long~"]
As she put her eyes back on the road, I suddenly found the scenery outside my window to be fascinating…
["In a way different settings-~ In a way different relation-~ A world line where we can meet-~"]
But seriously, this was the first time Shizuka heard this song on the radio…? It's number one you knooooow~.
["In a way different personality-~ In a way different values-~ I want to send my pure love only to you~, 'Cause I know that wish would've been no use-~"]
Ok, so it's not like this song is in an anime yet.
["Goodbye~"
"I am not the one, the love of your entire life~ It's hard to say, but I can't deny~ Still, I can't decide to leave~"
"Just touching your hair, that little thing makes me-~ feel painful-pain, yet-~ sweetie-sweet, I can't say-~"]
Maybe she only listens to the oldies (songs from ten years ago).
["Goodbye~"
"What are 'you' to me? I ask myself~ I don't have any answers-~ yes, I don't want to understand~"
"The only one thing-~ if there's one thing I can say from the bottom of my heart-~"
"'You are beautiful'~"]
I glanced at Shizuka.
Whoa, I don't think I've ever seen Shizuka look so flustered. Thank Haruhi she was driving right now, because that was probably the only thing keeping her in control, although that goofy grin of hers was absolutely adorable.
Just then, I caught Yukinoshita's arctic death glare from the rear-view mirror…
Oh, look at the trees distraction-chan! Hey, that's a solidly built sound barrier, right Kyon…?
'Hey man~! Look at me rockin' out~! I'm on the radio~!'
Oh, thanks for trying to comfort me distraction-chan 'with Danny and Lisa~'.
'They take me away from~, (take me away from~) The strangest places~, oh~ (the strangest places, oh~) Sweet Danny and Lisa~, (sweet Danny and Lisa~)'
'They take me away from~, ah~ (Ah-ah~, ah-ah~, ah-ah-ah-ah~) They take me away from~, ah~ (Ah-ah~, ah-ah~, ah-ah-ah-ah~) The strangest places~, ah~ (Ah-ah~, ah-ah~, ah-ah-ah-ah~) Sweet Danny and Lisa~, ah~ (Ah-ah~, ah-ah~, ah-ah-ah-ah~) They take me away from~'
'Hey man~! Look at me rockin' out~! I'm on the radio~!'
As distraction-chan and I rocked out, the song came to an end.
["That was Isekai's Pretender to Shizuka on Bay FM 78! Love our bay~! Love our future~! And now a word from our sponsors!"]
Shizuka and I cringed visibly as we heard the song's name on the radio again.
"I just love that song! What did you think of it Yukinon?"
"If I must say, then I will agree that the song is good I suppose… Although, I still can't help but feel that some in the entertainment industry are truly the worst among us. For all we know, the one who wrote that song is a vile and disgusting Thing, so vulgar and rotten to the core, that it's beyond redemption. Therefore, all one could hope for, is that, That Thing, would stop existing…"
Yukinoshita said, her ice blue eyes narrowing at me from the rear-view mirror.
"Not like I had a fucking choice, Corporal…" I muttered under my breath while I pretended not to notice that Shizuka had nodded emphatically to some of Yukinoshita's harsh descriptors.
"Ha-ha-ha…, well it's true that Studio 8 is that kind of company (read black company) Yukinon…"
"Yeah, and I heard that their President is someone super scary," Totsuka said with a chill in his voice.
"Oh~! I read about her in a magazine~! You're talking about Ma—~"
"—I-it would be best not to speak of THAT woman, Komachi-san…" Yukinoshita said quickly with a hint of fear.
Oh, nice save Corporal! It would be a complete disaster if the Demon Lord were summoned for some kind of corporate retreat! Just think of the children Haruhi!
["Love our bay~! Love our future~! You're listening to Bay FM 78! Now by popular request is Mio-chan's single, Yukitoki!"]
Ack!
I quickly change the station so that the Corporal couldn't work out that I wrote (read plagiarized) another embarrassing Japanese pop song.
"Onii-san!"
"What, I just wanted to listen to some city-pop, Komachi-chan."
"Ahem! Y-yeah, I think I could go for some city-pop as well! Ha-ha…"
Only when I changed the station, I felt the heat rising in my ears for an entirely different reason…
["—I love the girl with magic ways~"]
["The way you whisper in my ear~ To make my troubles disappear~ It's magic~ The way your little fingertips~ Make my heart do double flips~ It's magic~"]
["And when you smile at me that way~ Well~, you can warm the coldest day~ It's magic~ (It's magic~, magic~) And even when you're gone I find~ I hear you laughing in my mind~ It's magic~ (It's magic~, magic~)"]
["And all I have to do is think of you~ To make the music start to play~ Then I dance down the street~ And the people I meet stop and say~ 'Hey~, hey~' Magic ways, my friend~ (Ooh-ooh~) You love the girl with magic ways~, and it's true~ I might as well give in~ (Ooh-ooh~) You cast a spell on all my nights and days~ With your sweet magic ways~"]
"Whoa~! Mountains Onii-san~!"
"Look Hikky! Yukinon! Mountains!"
"You're right, there they are. Mountains," Yukinoshita parroted with a nod.
"Hmm. Indeed. Mountains." Shizuka followed suit.
"Hooray~… Mountains…, again…"
"…!"
"…!"
"…!"
"…!"
"(ZzZzZz) Mountains Hachiman~… (ZzZzZz)"
As I was experiencing flashbacks from my time at Fort Drum and Fuckin Afghanistan, I completely missed the subtle worried glances from everyone in the van, save for Totsuka who was sleeping in the back.
After that, it was mostly silent in the van. Yukinoshita watched the vistas roll by outside the windows, while Yuigahama's head now lay on Yukinoshita's shoulder as she breathed gently in sleep. If I twisted around farther, I would see Komachi snoozing in the back row, next to Totsuka. Shizuka and I recounted our top ten animes to each other as we both pretended that the Pretender to Shizuka incident didn't take place, though I was careful to keep my anime selections from before 2011.
We did have an enjoyable conversation about how in Japan, Cowboy Bebop was totally underrated.
The sight of everyone sleeping gave rise to a few pangs of nostalgia, much like I was returning back stateside after a deployment. Well, except that one time when one of the God damn engines fell right the fuck off our C-17 and we had to divert to a base in Germany for an emergency landing…
Verdammte Air Force-Ärsche!
Believe it! That really did happen, Kyon.
The van zoomed toward Chiba Village. Though it was a weekday, there were a fair number of cars on the road. We even hit a few congested stretches, about a kilometer each.
"It's surprisingly busy out, huh?" I commented.
"There's plenty of campgrounds around here, and it's also a popular spot for hot springs," Shizuka replied. "I thought it was customary to make middle school students from Chiba city walk around the Sarugakyou springs?"
"Uh, you can't expect me to remember the names of every place…"
Well, I probably could if I wanted to, thanks to one of the Isekai perks Haruhi gave me that's now part of my one hundred and eight skills.
"I see. I suppose that's because it holds so many painful memories for you… It's understandable you would forget."
"Don't act like some old school outing is my dark past. I may not look it, but I'm an expert in the field."
Shizuka rolled her eyes.
"You don't say. So you're the type who comes out of his shell at parties, huh?" she teased. "I know many students who are more outgoing during special events."
"Uh, no… I meant I'm good at switching off my mind to make it through…," I replied while trying to edge away from the topic of my military past that I let slip.
"The plan is to stay two nights, just like that nature trip. Will you be okay?" She asked with a hint of worry for some reason.
"Affirmative."
"It's okay; it looks like Komachi-san packed for him." Yukinoshita cut in unnecessarily.
"Your little sister's character is even better than I'd imagined," Shizuka marveled.
"That's Affirmative."
When I stepped out of the van, I smelled the rich scent of grass. Somehow, the oxygen felt richer here. Maybe it was the lush green forest making me feel that way or maybe just the nostalgia, like coming home to Fort Drum again.
"Hnnn! I feel great!" Yuigahama got out and stretched as wide as she could.
"…Yes, I'm sure you do, after using someone else's shoulder as a pillow for your lengthy nap," Yukinoshita sharply retorted.
Yuigahama put both her hands together and apologized. "Urk… I-I'm sorry, geez!"
"Wow…we really are in the mountains," Totsuka commented, filled with wonder as he stepped up behind the girls.
Oi, we already did that Private. And for all that is Haruhi please stop using your weaponized Moe before a JAG shows up and sites it as a Treaty Violation!
"Yeah, the air's so sweet," Shizuka remarked, just before lighting a cigarette.
Why hello there erotine-san, Hachi-kun has missed you!
"We'll go the rest of the way on foot. Unload your things from the van," she said, letting out a deep breath, from which erotine-san waved a forlorn goodbye.
Reluctantly I followed the orders that were given, and just as we unloaded the van, another one drove up and dropped off Hayama's group.
"Hey, Hikitani."
I ignored him.
"Oh! It's Hikitani-bro! Piff-Ha! Man, he totally looks like he came in Full Metal Panic mode!"
"Urk, so gross…"
As my supply of the damn cans of the Max Coffee (energy drink) are very limited. I instantly put Hiki-Persona 8 on emergency shutdown and I practically teleported in front of the idiot.
Upon facing the full wrath of a former U.S. Army Staff Sergeant, Private Dobe instinctively went to rigid attention as I again put the fear of Haruhi into him.
"Well if it isn't Private Joker… You see that girl other there, Private Joker?"
"Y-yes Staff Sergeant."
The idiot wisely followed my lead and kept his voice low. To not do so, he somehow rightly knew, would have ended very badly for him…
"That girl other there just happens to be my little sister. My dear, sweet, cutest in the world, little sister, Private Joker… Now…, if said little sister should learn about this military otaku bullshit from you, Private Joker, I swear I will fucking END you… YOU GET ME?!"
"Yes, Staff Sergeant!"
"Onii-san~! What are you doing over there~?!"
"Just making a fren~, Komachi-chan~!"
"Wave you damn idiot…" I growled, with something that charitably could be called a smile.
"YES!"
"See~!" I said, re-engaging Hiki-Persona 8 as my hands went to my pockets like one of those all too cool ass-hats from the Air Force and my shoulders slumped.
"Hayama~… Hikitani was scary!"
"There, there, I'm sure Hikitani was only joking…"
"Ebina! Your nose is bleeding!"
"Hikigaya! You can try to make friends later!" Shizuka crushed her cigarette into her ashtray and close it with a snap.
"Hmm. Looks like everyone's here. Now then, do you know the reason I've called you all here today?" she asked.
We all exchanged glances. "I heard we were staying here two nights for a volunteer activity," Yukinoshita offered.
Totsuka nodded. "Yes, we're helping out, right?"
Beside them, Yuigahama responded with puzzlement. "Huh? It's not like a cabin thing?"
"I heard that we were gonna be camping," said Komachi.
I said nothing and just arched an eyebrow as she let this bad game of telephone continue.
"I heard that this would give us extra community service points for our student record…," Hayama said with a smile that appeared rather strained.
"Huh? I came because I thought it was a free camping trip." Miura tugged and sponged her tightly wound curls.
"Yeah, right?" Tobe chimed in, combing up the long hair at the nape of his neck. "I mean, if it's free, man, you gotta!"
"I heard that Hayama and Tobe would be camping, hnnnggg." Ebina's reason for being there was the only one that struck us as weird. And yes, she really did say that last part.
Shizuka gave a mildly long-suffering sigh. "Hmm. Well, you're all more or less right, so I'll leave it at that. You're going to be engaging in some volunteer activities over the next few days."
"Um, what kind of volunteering…?" the Specialist asked.
"For some reason, the principal has ordered me to supervise service activities for the region…," Shizuka lied; she totally took this side gig for the money Kyon… "That's why I've brought all of you here. You will be working as support staff for an elementary school camping trip, helping out the workers here at Chiba Village, the teachers, and the children. In short: You're doing odd jobs. More frankly: You're slaves."
Oi, even shady companies like Studio 8 will sugarcoat the job description at first, you knooooow~.
"This is also a camp for the Service Club, and as Hayama said, you may receive extra points in my unofficial scoring system depending on your performance," she continued. "During your free time, you may go have fun."
Everyone had basically grasped the situation, in their own ways. They had just absorbed only the parts that interested them.
"Well then, let's get going. Once you've dropped off your bags in the main building, you're going to work. Oh and Hikigaya, hold on for a moment, I need to talk to you…"
As the others started the trudge to the main building, Shizuka and I stayed in the parking lot. She was glaring at me with her arms now crossed.
"What the hell Hachiman?! I could have sworn that you worked for the Yukinoshitas!"
"No way in hell I would work for them (again)…"
"Explain!"
"Ahem! So about that shady black company I work for sometimes, well I'm technically a songwriter for Studio 8… Um, actually it's kind of funny a story, you see when I ran an errand for my old man, there was this badass Steinway piano, and NO WAIT—!"
"—Annihilating Second Bullet!"
"Gouf!"
"Whoa! Domestic violence!"
Oi! Don't yell that out loud Komachi!
Damn it, Yamada!
This was all your fault!
I desperately try to reel in my departing consciousness. Damn, her punches hurt so much Haruhi! No, it's not a problem, Kyon.
Probably…
"You wrote a number one song with my name on it and didn't tell me, you idiot!"
"But it looked like you enjoyed it~…" I said breathlessly.
"That still doesn't make it beyond embarrassing you dumbass!" She said with a flush as she walked off toward the main building.
Wishing that Shizuka didn't show her love through violence, I made the forced march down the thankfully paved path to the main building. Just when I caught up to the group Yukinoshita spoke up.
"Um…may I ask why Hayama and his friends are here?"
"Hmm? Oh, are you talking to me?" Shizuka turned around to ask.
"Well, she's asking so politely, so she's got to be," I wheezed.
Yukinoshita gave me a disturbingly sunny smile.
"Oh, that's not necessarily the case, good sir. It is my opinion that polite language can be employed not only when speaking to one's superiors, but also to distance oneself from another. Don't you agree, Hikigaya-san?"
"Oh, yes. You're quite right, Yukinoshita-san," I replied, as both of us forced odd, haughty laughter.
Shizuka cut off our exchange. "Geez, just what is with you two?"
"Perhaps you should ask my sister…" Yukinoshita stated, shooting me a death glare.
That ice bitch!
"Wait! She's been using me as a human shield—!"
"—Exterminating Last Bullet!"
A pissed-off Shizuka shot another one of her pile-driving fists right into my solar plexus, which my classmates(?) had been conditioned to ignore…
I collapsed to my knees on the pavement.
"Domestic violence again!"
Please stop yelling that out loud my dear little sister…
"Damn, I was trying to avoid her, but now it looks like we'll need to talk…" Shizuka muttered darkly as she stormed off.
Shit! I think I bruised a rib, that hurt like hell Haruhi!
Did you see that?! The Corporal totally just tried to murder me Kyon!
My vision started to blur as I cough up some blood that went out of the side of my mouth and made a thin line down to the end of my chin.
Who am I kidding, Komachi was totally right when she called me scum-niisan…
There was a bright light and I could see Haruhi waving in the distance.
I wanted to move towards her…
"Hachiman! Hachiman!"
I could hear an angel's voice in my ears.
As I fell backwards, the angel of death's arms enveloped me…
"She was right about me… S-Saika. Tell my sister she was— Geh!"
"Hachiman…? HACHIMAN!"
In an overly dramatic fashion, the fucking anime world froze as everything faded to black.
Author's Note:
The End?
Hey! Stop writing that Sexalonenious!
This is totally not the end reader-san! Believe it!
April…? There was no April you fools!
Ok, ok, I'm sorry that I missed my completely arbitrary deadline reader-san! I kind of got caught up reading The Adventures of Augment Gothic which led to me giving it to the Cardies in Star Trek Armada III! Also, there may have been trains… Trains reader-san!
Hmm, it looks like it was 'Option C: Fire Engine…?' in the polls! And none of you picked Option B! Were you lonely reader-san? The voices in my head and my best friend's blue ghost mean I'm totally not alone y'know!
Up next will be another Episode to finish off the summer camp, followed by a Komachi OVA and then the next Episode!
That means it will be some time until you see an OVA with a Real Fire Engine depending on your D20 RNG!
*Anime Wow~ sound*
As always thank you for your Follows, Favs, and reviews!
Shout-out to Terdwilicker-sensei for 'weaponized Moe' which I totally stole!
So be sure to check out Terdwilicker over on mediaminer reader-san! I recommend Stares and hope to see more!
Special thanks to my Peeps who leave a comment or review!
And always remember reader-san:
Suffer not the Mutant, the Heretic, the Xeno!
Hackman8 out!
[App Fren-ly End Space]