Episode 13
~Even The Swimsuit Episode Was Still Wrong~
'ALL RIGHT LISTEN UP! Today you WILL be live firing the M3 Carl Gustaf 8.4 cm recoilless rifle! Do YOU feel its motherfucking POWER Private?!'
"I feel it's motherfucking POWER Drill Sergeant!"
'Fuckin-A! Load-em up, Private Weber!'
'Yes, Drill Sergeant!'
I steady the M3 on my shoulder using the foregrip as I sight a wreck of an old APC down range through the scope, as my best friend Webb loads an 8.4 cm HEAT round.
There's an audible click as the breech-mounted Venturi recoil damper locks into place.
'Ready.'
"Ready to fire."
'Back-blast area clear.'
"Firing, firing, firing."
I pressed the trigger, the Earth shook, and that day at Fort Benning Georgia my life changed forever…
('Ave~ Maria~! Jungfrau~ mild~,')
*Ka-vroomthf!*
('Erhöre~ deiner~ Kinder~ Flehen~, im~ Tal-der~ Tränen~ sei-uns~ Schild~')
*BOOM!*
('lass~ mein~ Gebet-zu-dir~ hinwehen~.')
***"This is Morgan Freeman here, and at this time I would like to point out to the readers that the flashback, that young man is currently experiencing after cruelly being knocked out by that, ahem, yes, by that 'young woman' he calls his fiancé, is now happening in slow-motion as a song that the author of this, quite frankly, poorly written romantic comedy, certainly doesn't have the rights to, plays out. I would also like to take the time to point out, that in fact, I have yet to be paid… Although, I do have to admit this version of Ave Maria is quite good…, I remember the time when I first played Hitman: Blood Money, It was at a time that seems, oh so long ago, things were so much simpler back then, and I was certainly paid on time as well…, yes, it was a time of my life, that was also, quite good…" NOOoooo! What do you mean the check bounced?! Why the hell won't someone just take him already kyon?!***
('Wir~ schlafen~ sicher-bis-zum~ Morgen~, dein~ Sternenmantel~ deckt-uns-zu~.')
I felt like I just experienced something truly transcended and I could've sworn that the most beautiful melody was ringing in my ears.
('O~? Jungfrau~, siehe~ unsere~ Sorgen~, O~ schenke~ unsern~ Herzen~ Ruh~!')
'Clear, good hit.'
"Fu-fu-fu-fu~…"
'Ack! That look on your face is fuckin gross man…'
"Hachiman~…"
Wait, was that an angel just now?
"Fu-ha-ha-ha~. Hey Webb, you gotta try this fuckin thing~. It's so fuckin awesome~…"
"Hachiman!"
Geh!
My eyes shoot open, and through the shades of my badass sunglasses, I could make out Totsuka's angelic face right above me.
"Hey, wake up. Wake up Hachiman."
Huh? Huh!
Too close, too close, danger fuckin close!
Is this a morning-after scene?!
Is it?!
"Oh, you're awake!"
It's a—
"Everyone has already started preparing for the kids to arrive. If we don't hurry, Hiratsuka-sensei will get angry if we're not ready in time."
What the fuck is wrong with me…
Totsuka really needs to learn how to stop using his weaponized Moe. That ability is truly not insignificant next to the power of the Force.
'I find your lack of faith disturbing,' Kyon.
My head was currently laying on my duffle bag, so apparently much like the corpse of Corporal Ramirez, Shizuka dragged my dead body into Chiba Village's main building and had Totsuka look after me.
Well, that was nice of her…, probably.
"Oh, right. We're at summer camp. So how long was I out Saika?"
"Ah, it couldn't be more than fifteen minutes, ha, ha, ha, ha," Totsuka said while averting his gaze.
I got my feet under me and straighten my beret, followed by running a quick internal diagnostic to see if I was still combat effective. My stomach still hurt like hell, though it wasn't going to kill me, and I'm pretty certain one of my ribs was bruised, so I'll be really fucking sore come the next morning. It's only by the grace of Haruhi that there was no internal bleeding.
P-Probably…
I still can't believe the Corporal totally just tried to fucking murder me!
Achievement unlocked: Believe It!
Shit, I was kinda hoping we left you back at Chiba, achievement-chan…
But seriously what the hell is up with Yukisithta lately? I guess I was totally wrong about her only haft joking about how I should stop existing.
Was this because I told her to fuck off right to her face?
'I am quite used to that Thing's vulgarities, so it really doesn't faze me,' my ass!
Wait…, she's not jealous is she…?
Now isn't that just a scary thought…
No, it's best not to advance down that line of thought, for only madness lies that way Kyon!
Even so, if she hypothetically was jealous, we're all still technically Japanese here, so why the hell couldn't she just ignore it?!
I really should stop; this was getting way too scary. And for all that I know this could have just as easily been some sort of twisted form of loyalty to her only fren the Specialist.
If there's one thing I learned from my time with Haruno, is that one can never tell what kind of bat-shit insanity a woman is thinking, much less a teenaged high school girl or someone who's forever seventeen like Shizuka.
Not that I was ever given a real choice when it came to your nee-san, you knooooow~…
Well, I sure as hell wasn't going to ask if the Corporal wanted to build a snowman now. And I don't care how much I was looking forward to showing off how good I was at making one Kyon!
Whatever Yukisithta's problem with me and my forced interactions with Haruno may be, I really wished she would deal with it as any normal teenager would, like by getting laid by someone who wasn't a pedo or something, so she could just get over it and let it go…
Gek!
And don't you dare play that annoyingly stupid song distraction-chan.
Please, pretty please… I beg you.
"H-Hachiman, there's blood…"
Quickly reaching into my pocket I grabbed my Zeonic flag handkerchief and wiped the line of blood that was trickling out of the side of my mouth.
I must have coughed up some blood after I pictured myself Frozen with the Corporal.
Great now that fucking song is stuck in my head Kyon!
"Are you alright?"
"I'm…, fine," I said after a beat as I desperately tried to imagine that Yukinoshita was singing Let it snow~ instead of Let it go~.
"So have you been vegging out all summer?"
"That's Affirmative. Though I do run in the mornings."
"Oh that's good. We should play tennis together one day!"
"Roger that Saika, just call me whenever you want to."
"Okay! Then…, would you mind giving me your number?"
So his address will finally be within my grasp…
Totsuka's contact info GET!
A flood of emotions surged through me as I took out smart-kun and immediately readied myself to input his information.
"Huh?! Hachiman, you're crying? Are you still in pain…?"
"N-No, there's just something in my eye. See, I'm totally fine."
Kek!
"B-Blood…"
"It's not a problem."
"I-If you say so… Okay, then what's your e-mail?"
"Here." I showed it to him.
"Um…" Totsuka wasn't very good with electronics, and he slowly checked both phones and pecked away, character by character. As he typed, he'd occasionally make quiet comments to himself, like "Wait, no. Huh? This one?" It was a little concerning. If he input my address wrong and my messages ended up not reaching him, the overwhelming regret could send me into convulsions. "Okay, done…I think. I'll try e-mailing you." Slowly, he began hunt-and-pecking away at an e-mail. At one point, he paused to tilt his head in thought.
Finally, he nodded. "I sent it."
"Affirmative."
A few seconds later, a star destroyer's klaxon sounded.
'I have you now…'
[13:21
FROM: Totsuka
TITLE: It's Saika~!
Good afternoon, Hachiman! This is my first time e-mailing you. I hope we'll be sending each other lots more!]
'What?!'
That string of characters was just too much for my heart to take. I spontaneously burst into a violent coughing fit.
"Hachiman?! Wh-what's wrong?! Are you sure you're okay?" Totsuka panicked and immediately started rubbing my back.
Ack. His hand is so small, but it feels so warm and soft…
"A-Affirmative. I-I'm okay… Once took a bullet to the head, so I'll live… It's not a problem."
I finally stood up straight again, but Totsuka shot me a questioning look.
"Huh? Oh, a-all right, then…," he replied before quickly changing the subject.
"By the way, who's Webb, Hachiman?"
I froze with my back ram-rod straight; thankfully I was facing away from Totsuka.
'HE WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU GOT HIM KILLED YOU BASTARD! GIVE HIM BACK! GOD DAMN IT…! Give him back…!'
I let out a ragged breath and clenched my hands into a fist until my knuckles turned white, as the last words of Webb's widow washed over me.
"Hachi—"
"—Webb…, He was my best friend Saika…" My voice was flat and calm.
'YOU KILLED HIM!'
"But I'm afraid our friendship ended rather abruptly and very badly…"
I turned my head back toward Totsuka and gave him something that could charitably be called a smile…
"Well, we better great moving before Shizuka gets even more pissed off."
"Oh, um, right!"
After saying that he wanted to help prepare refreshments I parted ways with Totsuka and headed to the reception desk with my duffle bag where I encountered a wild Shizuka who just finished checking in.
"Oh, so you're up now," Shizuka said looking me over as if she was assessing the damage she'd done. I found her concern for my well-being to be quite touching and that totally wasn't just my imagination!
Probably…
After nodding to her own satisfaction that I was still combat effective, those lovely gray eyes of hers narrowed as she began to glare.
"Look, I'm really not in the mood to talk to you right now. So why don't you go somewhere else."
Hanging my sunglasses onto the neck of my JSDF tee, I rolled my eyes at Shizuka as I walked up to onee-san at the reception desk.
"Reservation for Hikigaya Hachiman."
"Yes sir. One moment please."
Civilization! You will never really truly appreciate it until you lose it. And I've had more than enough of the living inside-a-wooden-box bullshit in the Army. And what embodies civilization some of you invasive meat-bags may ask? Well aside from a military-grade Entrenching Shovel (with a nice sharp blade), or a good cup of (Black) Coffee, nothing embodies civilization more than Air-conditioning!
Source: me.
Just because Fort Drum numbed me to the heat does not mean I still like to sleep in it you knooooow~…
So Viva Civilization~!
Viva Air-conditioning~!
I noticed Shizuka giving me an incredulous look as I received my room key from the receptionist onee-san whose business smile was just impeccable Kyon.
"Geez, just how old are you Hachiman…?"
"I'm forever seventeen just like you are Shizuka," I replied while putting my sunglasses back on from a minimum safe distance in case she wanted to engage in some more skinship (violence).
"Y-You really think I look that young…?"
Um no, that's not quite what I said… Wait, she's happy about it?!
"Ahem, d-don't think you can flatter your way out of working y-you smartass! There are still plenty of things that need to be done before the elementary students arrive. So get to it!"
"Roger Roger."
"Piff—. And stop doing that! I'm still trying to be mad at you damn it!"
"Roger Roger~," I replied in my most annoying B1 as I made a tactical retreat before Shizuka could grab me.
After dropping off my duffle bag in the room I've been assigned, I checked with a local hunter on staff and took note of where the key to the shotgun locker was at.
Yeah, I don't care if you do call me paranoid, there's no way in hell I was going to fight off a bear armed with nothing but the combat knife I had squirreled away in my fatigues Kyon!
Following that, I used the remaining time to recon the area for the orientation course I had plotted using a detailed map and a military-grade field compass.
Before long there was a group of nearly a hundred elementary school kids waiting for us, so we hustled off to the meeting plaza. There was no uniformity which I found annoying as I surveyed the brightly colored chaotic picture of disorderly conduct before me. Nearly everyone was talking at the same time, which was terribly loud. Their squawking was unbelievably obnoxious and overwhelming.
Tobe ruffled his hair and commented, "Man, elementary school kids are so tiny! We're, like, totally old."
"Hey, could you not talk like that, Tobe? You're making me sound like an old bag." Miura shot him a threatening glare.
"Hey, I'm not being serious! That's not what I meant!" Tobe defended himself, flustered. For an instant, I thought I felt Shizuka's eyes on us, but it was probably my imagination. I very much prayed to Haruhi that this was the case.
"But when we were in elementary school, high school kids seemed so adult, huh?" Totsuka sounded nostalgic. I guess Tobe's comment struck a chord with him.
Damn you Tobe!
Komachi touched her pointer finger to her chin and tilted her head. "High schoolers seem adult to me, too, y'know~? Well, not counting onii-san~, though sometimes he only looks like one~…"
"Hey, I'm totally an adult! I make idle complaints, tell dirty lies, do unfair things, and I pay taxes." Hell, I've even served in the Army you knooooow~…
Oh wait, my dear little sister doesn't know that and it better stay that way damn it.
"Is that your mental image of adults, Hikki?!"
Sorry to break your dreams, but that's what adulting is Specialist.
Totsuka patted me on the back. "Maybe you don't see it much at home, Komachi, but at school, Hachiman seems very adult. He's so calm and composed. Right?"
"T-Totsuka…" I was so touched, I almost totally didn't cry manly tears just now Kyon!
Suddenly, a cold voice interjected with an edge of scorn. "That Thing only looks that way because it has no one to talk to. It would be more accurate to say that, that Thing is isolated and miserable." When I turned around, the Corporal's face was frozen in a chilly smile.
I faced her, returning her frigid expression with a shit-eating grin of my own.
"One could say the same thing about you, Corporal."
"Wait, taxes…, when did you get a job onii-san?!"
Fuck!
"That's classified."
"HEY, BE QUIET YOU GUYS!"
With Shizuka's yell, even the elementary students began settling down into silence…
"Ahem, All right, it just took three minutes for everyone to quiet down," said Fat sensei.
No, that was Shizuka totally telling everyone to shut up Fat sensei…
After Fat sensei's reprimand, he went on to announce the plan for the day. All the kids opened their school camping trip guidebooks as they listened to the explanation. On the cover was an anime-style illustration.
Oh, that must mean a girl drew it.
Probably some committee girl or one with artistic skills, like, I—I could draw it if you want… Hopefully, it would become a skeleton in her closet Kyon.
"And finally, let's introduce the boys and girls who will be helping us out. Let's give them a warm welcome! Hello!"
""Hello!"" the students chorused.
Suddenly, all the children's eyes were on us.
Scary…
That was when Hayama took a soft step forward. "We're going to be helping out for the next three days," he said. "If you need anything, feel free to ask us any time. I hope this camping trip will be a wonderful experience for you all. I'm glad to meet you guys!"
The crowd broke out into applause. The elementary school girls were squeeing, and the teachers were clapping with gusto.
Fucking politico…
After giving the Corporal an opportunity to step up, I stepped forward and stood at parade rest to address the motley troop of Cadets before me.
"LISTEN UP PEOPLE!"
There was instant silence.
"You WILL have fifteen minutes to stow your gear, and you WILL return here for a mandatory Safety Briefing at fourteen-thirty hundred! For those of you who wish to participate in the Advance Orientation Training Course, come find me after the briefing! That is all! DISMISSED!"
The elementary students instantly jumped into action at the word of command.
"R-right, make sure you for here for the Safety Briefing…? In fifteen minutes after you put your things away! D-Dismissed!" The Fat sensei said.
Now I don't know why Shizuka totally lost it laughing, it wasn't like anything I said was funny, the Safety Briefing is important you knooooow~…
"O-onii-san…"
After an informative Safety Briefing, I led a squad of ten or so Cadets through the Advance OTC which almost made me feel nostalgic about my time as JROTC Cadet. From time to time I would point out good ambush locations or throw out random combat scenarios that we could expect to encounter in this kind of terrain. I have to say their responses were imaginative and enthusiastic if a bit unrealistic. Proving once again there's nothing more cruel or dangerous than the minds of children.
'Burn them with fire' indeed, Detective Conan-kun…
"Cadet Conan, you're on point."
I handed the map and field compass toward Detective Conan-kun.
"I told you my name was Daikichi!"
"I said you're on point, so now Climb To Glory Cadet Conan."
"You suck!"
"Oi, Would you rather be dead like Cadet Kudo…?"
Detective Conan-kun looked over at the 'dead' Cadet who gave him a small wave while being fireman-carried by his squadmate, and with a sigh he begrudgingly took the map and field compass.
As Detective Conan-kun began to sus out the next nav point I noticed a little kerfuffle up ahead, but when I saw the fuckin Lieutenant was handling it, I ignored it…
When it comes to camping, I always think of MREs, while for most of the Japanese, I suppose it would be curry. Also, there was something intrinsically sexy about a woman performing pyro, and with her silky smooth, long black hair up in a ponytail, Shizuka looked hot as hell as she lit the fire Haruhi!
"There. Just like that," she said with a cigarette pressed between her lips as she formed a cold and ominous smile.
"You're insanely good at that."
"Heh, I used to throw barbecues with my club a lot back in college. While I got the pit ready, all the couples would flirt and fool around together—Tsk. Damn, now I'm in a bad mood… Boys, get the fires ready. Girls, go get the ingredients."
""Okey!""
So, you're splitting up the boys and girls out of spite huh? Well, who the hell cares, even pissed off she's still smoking hot damn it!
Ah, why hello there~, erotine-san.
The prep went along smoothly, and eventually, I was slav-squatting as I fanned the open flame before me.
"Well, this is about what you would expect for outdoor cooking for children."
The Corporal expressed the most normal of opinions.
And although she just tried to kill me with that fucking knife, and since the other teachers fucked off somewhere (being forever seventeen, Shizuka doesn't count), I was technically the only adult around here, so I guess it was up to me, to engage with her…
"Is that so… When the Maj—A-hem! —My mother tried to make curry, she put a lot of interesting things into it."
"Dude, yeah! Mine puts fish cakes in too!"
Oi, oi, I really wasn't actually trying to be your fren, you knooooow~.
"Yeah, my mom does stuff like that too. This one time, she put these weird leaves in it. Sometimes she makes some pretty crazy mistakes!"
*Sigh*
Well, it's adorable that you think that Specialist…
"Are you sure those leaves weren't Laurier? Just so you know 'Laurier' is French for 'bay leaf'."
"Then why didn't you just say in the first place? Look now she's confused."
"Wait, 'Laurier' didn't mean 'tissues'."
So I'm being ignored huh…
Oi! Watch where you're swinging that knife, Corporal!
"Carrots are such a lewd vegetable…," Everyone ignored the Fujoshi, save for Private Ringlets who whacked her over the head like she was a straight man in a routine.
"All that's left is waiting for the curry to stew."
"If you're not doing anything, go around and help out the kids."
Geh.
"Well, you don't get many chances to talk with elementary schoolers every day. Why not?"
"I'll watch the pot."
"Don't worry about it, Hikigaya. I'll watch it for you." Shizuka said with a sinister smirk.
Scary~. She's still pissed isn't she…?
Soon the Lieutenant and his merry little band were surrounded by Cadets. I was at a bit of a loss myself, at least until a fight small fight broke out and I put a stop to it. And just like a future, probable, child predator, it did take long for Hayama to notice the one lone girl who had been excluded from the group and become invisible like she was training to go into Black Ops.
Crap! I'm sorry Tsurumi sensei…, I totally forgot about her!
But Haruhi knows she isn't the only lonely Cadet here. I mean, just look at Detective Conan-kun, sitting over there, giving a thousand-yard stare into the fire…
He'll probably try to burn down his school and nobody cares Kyon.
I'd try to talk to him, but something tells my ahoge that he doesn't like me for some reason.
"Do you like curry?"
The Corporal made a sigh near me; thankfully she was no longer holding that damn knife Haruhi!
"Not really. I don't care for curry."
HA! Serves you right, you fuckin politico!
Good job on stranger danger Cadet Tsurumi, nice tactical withdrawal.
At a loss, the Lieutenant immediately went back to engaging with the other Cadets.
"All right, it's a special occasion, so let's add in a secret ingredient! How about it? Does anyone want to put in a little something extra?"
""Me! Me! Me!""
"ME! I think fruit would be nice! Like peaches or something!"
"Well, she sure is Special…"
"They really are a bunch of fools…," Cadet Tsurumi said icily.
"Yeah, you'll find that most civvies are pretty damn stupid, so it's good that you recognized it early, Cadet."
The Cadet gave me a curious appraisal and I stared her down.
"And you're part of that majority." The Corporal cut in.
"Hey, don't underestimate me; I was smart enough to stay the hell out of the Marines, Corporal."
"You speak of that like it's such a high bar to overcome, and I don't know anyone else who can say something like that with such pride. I'm not even exasperated anymore. I'm contemptuous."
The Cadet listened to our exchange without smiling, in silence. She shifted just the tiniest bit closer to us and then spoke to me.
"Name."
"In Project Mayhem, we have no names."
Why did I just meme a Fight Club reference…?
Wait, more importantly, why do I hate that movie? That was a pretty good fuckin movie, right Kyon?!
"Project what? I was asking your name. Wasn't it obvious?"
"When you ask someone their name, you name yourself first."
Yukinositha's glowering scared the cadet, so she awkwardly looked away.
"…Tsurumi Rumi," she muttered in a sullen tone.
"I'm Yukinoshita Yukino. And that Thing over there is…, Hiki…, Hiki-fake…, Hikigay-kun, I believe?"
"—Hey, I am neither fake nor gay! I'm Hikigaya Hachiman." Allegedly was automatically said under my breath as I made my self-introduction. And Hikigay sure as hell wasn't my fourth-grade nickname…, it was something meaty and stupid like Fat Bob or something… No wait, that wasn't it, was it…?
Fuck!
Before I had a small existential crisis, the Specialist saved me from it with her introduction.
"Yahallo! I'm Yuigahama Yui. You were Tsurumi Rumi-chan, right? I hope we can get along."
The Cadet only nodded in reply to the Specialist not even sparing her a glance.
Fight on Specialist!
"You two are kind of different from those people, …especially him." She said as she glanced at me.
"I'm different too…"
"Different how?" the Specialist asked seriously.
"They're all such kids. Well, I got along with them fine for a while. But it was a waste of time, so I dropped them. I think I'm fine on my own."
"B-but…I think the memories of your elementary school friendships are pretty important."
"You don't need them, though. Once I get into middle school, I can just make friends with the kids who come in from other schools."
"Peace is a lie, Cadet Tsurumi."
"It's Tsurumi."
"That's what I said, Cadet Tsurumi."
"It's JUST Tsurumi! Is something wrong with him?! Did he hit his head or something?!"
"Do you know who I am?" I asked while pulling down my sunglasses to get a better look at her.
Was this really an eleven-year-old kid I was dealing with?
She couldn't be like me right…?
It's not like she was an accountant onee-san who died from overwork while pushing thirty, right Kyon?!
"Ah! Hikky really doesn't mean anything bad by it; it's kinda like a nickname I think…? Ah-ha-ha-ha…"
"Yes, it would be best to disregard anything you might hear from that Thing. Unfortunately, what you think isn't going to happen. The kids in your elementary school will all go on to the same middle school, won't they? Then it will all be the same. And the 'kids from other schools' will be with them."
"…"
"Don't tell me you didn't already know?"
"I knew it…, I was really so stupid."
As Cadet Tsurumi murmured to herself in self-condemnation, the Specialist gently pressed for more information.
"What happened?"
"It's happened a few times. Someone would be it, and then we'd stop talking to them. Eventually, it'd always end, though, and after it was over, we'd talk again. It was just a phase. Someone would always start it, and then everyone would be doing it. And then it happened to a girl I was friends with and talked to a lot, and I sorta stayed away from her, but… But then suddenly, it was me. Even though I didn't do anything. And I had told her a lot of stuff… Is this how it's going to be in middle school too?"
I'm sorry random pushing thirty-onee-san, but accountants aren't meant to have frens.
Source: My Old Man.
Now I wished I had brought my tax information just so she would have something familiar to help calm her down.
S-she isn't going to cry right…?
I slav-squatted in front of her and was about to hand her my Zeonic flag handkerchief when I remembered it still had my blood on it.
Fuck.
After a particularly unproductive sitrep concerning one Cadet Tsurumi Rumi, I found myself walking behind Shizuka who seemed to become even more fidgety as we entered the main building.
"Hey, w-why are you following me?!"
"It's just a coincidence."
Letting out an exasperated sigh, she walked down the hallway at a brisker pace, which just so happened to be the same hallway I needed to take. Just when she reached her room's door, she turned to face me. Her cheeks were turning a shade of crimson as she arched an eyebrow at me. I walked up to stand beside her, then, turned to face my own room's door, which also just happened to be across from hers, and inserted the key.
"A-and why is your room across from mine?!"
"It's still, just a coincidence."
"Whatever, I'm going to bed!"
With that, Shizuka entered her room, slamming the door shut. And so I entered my own. The depressing little dorm had air-conditioning, with two beds, and was probably used for the kind of team-building corporate retreat that black companies were so fond of.
The room smelled faintly of stale cigarettes and desperation…
It smelled like Civilization.
It smelled like Victory.
Before I could question why I could smell Napalm in my room, there was a sharp rap at the door. Upon opening the door, Shizuka barged in.
"Hey, I also forgot—WHY THE HELL is smoking allowed in your room?!"
"Like I told you, it's just a coincidence."
"You have the nerve to tell me this is a coincidence!"
"That's right, it's all coincidence."
Lighting a cigarette, Shizuka sits on a bed.
"Geez, this is so unfair…"
With erotine-san now dancing around the room, the nervousness of having a very single, and very attractive woman (even in just a T-shirt with cargo pants) sitting on my bed alone in my room began to subside.
I-I should offer her a drink right?
I searched my duffle bag and pulled out the only thing I could find, a can of the Max Coffee (energy drink), and offered it to her.
"Ah, thanks."
She opens it and takes a sip.
"—Ack! I can't believe you drink this crap!"
"A-Affirmative, sometimes even I can't believe I drink it, it's pretty damn terrible right?"
I sat across from her on the other bed and began to finish the can of fuckin Max. We were both too old to be bothered by something as simple as an Indirect Kiss, you knooooow~.
…why is she blushing?! Now I'm getting embarrassed!
It's so cute damn it, stop it!
"Ahem! S-so um, do you need something?"
I just down that damn can of Max Coffee (energy drink) and my throat still feels dry.
"Oh! R-right! They're having a campfire story hour tonight and might need one more person, so I thought about you before I went to sleep—" As Shizuka started coughing, she quickly stood up to stab her cigarettes in the room's ashtray. "—AHEM! A-about for the story hour I mean! A-and definitely NOT about a-anything else! You idiot! Well, now you know, so I'm going to b-bed for real this time! G-good night!" She said as she almost retreated into the door frame.
"Um y-yeah, sweet dreams Shizuka…"
"AAAHH!"
*Slam!*
So she thinks about me before she sleeps, huh…
For the campfire story hour, I did a faithful retelling of Major Payne's: The Little Engine That Could. The Cadets loved it, after all, every kid loves violence and trains Kyon.
As I was thinking of taking a cigarette in the night air, I encountered a wild Ice Princess type singing quietly to herself in the pale moonlight rays. Not really wanting to engage with the Corporal, I made to sneak back to my room.
*Snap!*
JUST WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT TWIG COME FROM?!
I swear I was being careful with my movements Kyon!
Fucking anime world…
"…Who is it?"
"…It's me," I replied like a scammer.
"…Who?"
"John fuckin Smith. It's kind of cruel to ask a question that you know I don't have the exact answer to, Corporal…"
Really…, just who the hell am I Haruhi…?
Achievement unlocked: His Name Is Robert Paulson
No…, that's not true. That's IMPOSSIBLE!
That's the kind of name some lazy Hack writing fan-fiction would rip off Kyon!
You really need to stop fucking with me achievement-chan!
His name is Robert S. Paulson, former United States Army Staff Sergeant of the 10th Mountain Division, 1st Battalion, 32nd Regiment. Service number—
—LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA~ LA-LA~ LIE~, LIE~, LIE~! I TOTALLY CAN'T FUCKIN HEAR YOU RIGHT NOW! STUPID LEFTOVER, MONSTER OF LOGIC!
"What are you doing up at this hour?" The Corporal asked. "You should go back to your eternal slumber."
"Yeah, well you should stop trying to kill me off, because you really suck at it… So did you win?"
Yukinoshita tilted her head to the side before pinching the bridge of her nose as if she were having a severe headache.
"Yes. I didn't expect her to cry… Yuigahama is consoling her right now."
"Sounds like a victory to me. And 'Through Victory, our chains are Broken.' Even if yours was a piratic one."
"I think you mean pyrrhic." She replied still holding her nose.
"I know what I said," I said a tad defensively.
Yukinoshita simply sighed and shook her head, as if she were dealing with a particularly annoying young child.
"Did you really mean what you said back there, that we should do nothing?"
"Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing to do, especially when your brothers in uniform are getting shot at down range… But that is not what's happening here. She's still just a kid (probably), she'll be fine."
Shizuka only taught five years at Sobu now, and I was determined that she'd have one more.
"I find that unacceptable, that doesn't save anyone."
"Even so, all we can really do is just talk to her. Worst case scenario she'll end up like you, only a little less icy and a lot less rich, Ice Princess~."
"I despise you, and you should stay away from my sister."
"Believe it. I would love to, but we both know that's not how Haruno works… So, how are things with you and the Lieutenant, Corporal?"
After that warning shot, Yukinoshita sends me a particularly hateful, icy, death glare, before storming off.
And so, I also make my way back to my room.
I'm coming nicotine-chan, wait for me!
"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated~?!"
'"'I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else~, Gets me frustrated~! Life's like this~, you~! And you fall~! And you crawl~! And you break~! And you take what you get~, and you turn it into honesty~, and promise me I'm never gonna find you faking~!''"
"No~, no~, no~…!"
'PLATOON! CUT THAT SHIT OUT! PAULSON! I ALREADY told you that you're NOT a God Damn Marine! SO WAKE THE FUCK UP!'
Geh!
My name was Robert Paulson…
Fuck!
After having a cigarette and getting rid of all the evidence. I donned my red Adidas tracksuit and went for a morning run.
No, I did NOT have a great set of tits or something, Kyon… I was in the LIGHT Infantry you knooooow~.
Speaking of some significant assets, I was headed toward the river in an effort to cure some of my depression, following my solo game of 8man Jenga that I won. I wore the same pair of black fatigues I had on yesterday only with new underwear and a gray Army of One T-shirt paired with my badass sunglasses and black beret.
As I meandered along the path I heard a trickling and babbling of the shallow river stream ahead.
"Hey, it's cold!"
I saw Komachi and the Specialist, both wearing their swimsuits and splashing around in the water.
"Oh~, it's onii-san~! Heeey~! Over here~, over here~!"
"…Huh? Hikki?!"
"You two look like you're having fun."
"Ack! Why are you still wearing that onii-san~?!"
"Because I forgot my swimsuit Komachi-chan~!"
"Well more importantly~. Look~! Look~! I got a new swimsuit onii-san~!"
Komachi started doing some nonsensical posing like she was trying to show it off. Her pale-yellow bikini was decorated with a frilly border for a southern, tropical feel. The water sparkled in the light as she animatedly splashed around.
"So whaddaya think~?"
"Hmm, oh…yeah, you're the cutest in the world," I told her.
"Wow, you sure don't sound enthusiastic," Komachi whined, discouraged and openly disappointed. She was evidently unsatisfied with my reaction.
"Then…, what about Yui?!" She yanked the Specialist form where she was shyly hiding behind her and set her front and center.
The move had been so sudden, Yuigahama wasn't even able to react and staggered toward me. "Hey! Komachi—hyaa!"
High school girl in a bikini Kyon!
Wait, an underage high school girl in a blue bikini, FUCK!
I did my best not to look directly or too closely at the Specialist and her very large and very special assets. Or notice how those droplets of water sided down her sleek, silky skin, down her neck, pooling for a minute in the hollow of her collarbone, before sliding down into her rounded cleavage.
Upon realizing that my failure is complete, I thanked Haruhi for the sunglasses that I was wearing…
"Well onii-san~?"
"Um, oh…yeah, you're the prettiest in the world," I told her in the same voice I told Komachi.
"O-oh… Thanks." Yuigahama smiled shyly.
"Are you dead inside onii-san…?"
'Dead Inside~!'
Whoa! While that's a really great song, this was no time for distractions, distraction-chan! At any moment now, Shizuka is going to show up in a sexy bikini you knooooow~. But you should totally play that later, like when Haruno shows up.
A pat landed on my shoulder danger fuckin close, and my hand instantly shot to where my combat knife was at on reflex.
"Oh, you came, too, Hikigaya?"
When I snapped around to face Shizuka, I couldn't take my eyes off her and frankly, I didn't even want to. Shizuka had let her silky smooth long black hair down which was just as well because if she had her hair up in a ponytail I would have totally lost my mind Kyon!
Shizuka was clad in a glamorous white bikini that freely exposed the curves of her soft, sexy thighs and those long killer legs of hers. Her toned limbs and shapely belly button was alluring in a fit, healthy, way that only made her even more attractive with a wild and sexy appeal. However, not even Haruhi Suzumiya-sama herself could keep my gaze from being automatically drawn to the two large masses of her full round breasts, resistant under her swimsuit top…
THEY WERE FUCKIN AMAZING DAMN IT!
Why do we climb mountains?
'Because they're there!'
Source: Sir Mammary
And I wanted to Climb To fuckin Glory on her mountains Haruhi!
Achievement unlocked: Mountain Division
Even with my wizard sunglasses, Shizuka totally caught me looking. It really didn't help that I was just standing here like an idiot with my mouth half open probably…
With an overconfident smirk, she began to make some nonsensical poses much like Komachi, only they were a bit more subtle, and by far sexier.
"Just marry me already, you sexy woman…"
"—AH! Yui LOOK~! It's Yukino~!"
"Oh, you look so cute Yukinon!"
Shit! I totally said that out loud just now and Komachi noticed!
NICE SAVE dear little sister!
Oh, and I guess the Corporal was here too, probably…
"W-what the hell do you think you're s-saying you damn brat!"
Flushed crimson with embarrassment, Shizuka engaged in her particular form of skinship (violence) by way of an intense blow to my stomach that sent me to my knees.
"Gah!"
"Whoa! DV!"
"Oh, you don't have to worry Komachi-chan, after the first few times, everyone kinda gets used to it. Ah-ha-ha-ha…"
Oi! That's not really helping Specialist! And stop yelling that Komachi!
"God, what if Yukinoshita heard you, you idiot! She was standing right over there!" Shizuka whispers harshly.
"M-Mutual, Assured, Destruction, Pact… It's, not a p-problem…" I wheezed like Darth Vader was choking me.
Just then, Private Ringlets proceeded right by me. As she passed by the Corporal, Private Ringlets gave a satisfied smirk at the Corporal's chest, chuckling. "Heh. I won…" There was a nearly emotional undertone to her voice.
Yukinoshita gave her a quizzical look. Apparently, she didn't realize what Miura was smiling about.
As someone who would always give three cheers for sweet revenge, I quickly recover, and walked over to stand by the Corporal to offer her some encouragement.
"Well, with how Haruno turned out, you can probably count on those genes. So it's not a problem."
"Nee-san? What does she have to do with anything?"
That was when Komachi cuts in, giving a big thumbs-up.
"Don't worry~! They don't decide a women's worth~, and everyone's different~! I'm on your side~, Yukino-san~!"
"I see… Thank you…? Nee-san? Genes? Worth? Different?"
She looks down at her nonexistent chest and made a sound of explanation.
"I wasn't concerned about them whatsoever, but if you intend to pass judgment on one's appearance, you should make judgments based not on a single portion, but on the balance of their full figure—"
Shizuka patted Yukinoshita on the shoulder.
"Yukinoshita, it's too early to give up…"
Haruhi, I love that sexy woman!
"Ack! You're bleeding onii-san!"
"It's not a problem."
After a LOT of fussing Komachi finally relented when she sat me under the shade of a nearby tree.
If only I had brought swimwear…, I wanted to splash water on Totsuka too damn it…
A cool wind blew past me as if invited by the burbling water and the sunshine filtering through the trees and down onto me, felt nice.
And now I want a cigarette, fuck.
I heard the scraping of footsteps on the path to my side. Turning toward the sound, I saw a familiar-looking Cadet, who wasn't Detective Conan-kun.
Honestly, I was kind of worried about him Kyon…
"Yo."
She nodded and came over to sit beside me. Neither of us spoke as we watched everyone playing in the river.
"Hey. Why are you all alone?"
"I didn't bring swimwear. What about you?"
"We were supposed to have free time today. I finished breakfast and went back to our room, but no one was there…"
The silence stretched on for a while, but eventually, as if she had grown tired of waiting, she asked, "Hey, Hachiman."
Did she also use to be an Ah-Murican like me?
"Do you still have friends from elementary school?"
"Negative."
'YOU KILLED HIM!'
"—He's dead. But it seems to me that you don't have any frens right now, only enemies… So let me give you some life advice that helped me. 'Peace is a lie, There is only Passion. Through Passion, I gain Strength. Through Strength, I gain Power. Through Power, I gain Victory. Through Victory, my chains are Broken.' The use of Force can free us, Cadet Tsurumi."
"It's just Tsurumi."
"Look, even if we stepped in to help—"
"—Why would you try to help me anyway? You don't know me…"
"Well I know your mother, she's the nicest person I ever met and I owe her a favor. Besides I'm with the Service… Club."
The Cadet looked at me with suspicion.
"Hey, I sure as hell didn't name it that," I said to the eleven-year-old who was also probably pushing thirty. "Anyway, it's a club that lights people on fire so they won't starve or something… In other words it's a club that (probably) helps people help themselves, Cadet."
"Tsurumi."
"—Ahem, as I was saying, even if we did break up the little clique that's harassing you, that still wouldn't stop them from say forcing you into the Student Council in a fortified election just like an Ah-Murican President…"
"What does that even—? Forced into…, what am I supposed to do NOW?!"
"Well, you could take advantage situation by making some allies in the Student Council and go on a counteroffensive when you've amassed enough power, my young apprentice."
"I'm not your apprentice…"
"It's not a problem."
I reached into the pocket of my fatigues, pulled out the booklet of Machiavelli's The Prince I've been carrying and handed it to her.
"Here, this is a book by a cunning, old senpai that I think would serve you well, Cadet."
"Tsurumi. And you just happened to be carrying that around with you…?"
"That's Affirmative."
Cadet Tsurumi gave me a quizzical look, before finally taking the book.
"Oh, and I guess you should probably go talk to the Corporal—"
"—Corporal?"
"I mean the Ice Princess over there. She may have gone through something similar, Cadet Tsurumi."
"I told you it's—! *Sigh* …nevermind."
'It's the same old theme~, since nineteen-sixteen~ In your head~, in your head~, they're still fightin~' With their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns~ In your head~, in your head~, they are dying~!'
After the Corporal's snide zombie comment, distraction-chan has been going on another tirade and was now playing a cover by Miser…
'In your head~! In your head~! Zombie~! zombie~! zombie-ie-ie~!'
'What's in your head~?! In your head~?! Zombie~! zombie~! zombie-ie-ie-ie~! Oh~! Whoa-oh~! Whoa-ah~! Whoa~ Ah-ah-ah~! ra-ra~ ra-ra~'
I guess it was zombie time Kyon…
Following a Safety Briefing for the nighttime maneuvers, the test of courage went off without issue in the 'spooky-forest'. The Cadets really seemed to enjoy our efforts to scare the carp out of them, even if all we had were crappy costumes. Private First Class Totsuka looked pretty wizard, and the Specialist did her very special best, and Komachi was still the cutest in this fucking anime world. Even so, the scariest of all was a very pissed-off snowwoman because we couldn't do more to help Cadet Tsurumi than just talking to her.
Seriously scary.
The Corporal was scarier than almost going down the Totsuka route without hesitation you knooooow~…
It was time for the bonfire and I notice a group of boys were fighting over some of the fireworks. Just as I was about to break them up, one shoved the other into an unfortunate girl who standing near them and…
—OH FUCK!
The little girl fell into the street! Right in the path of a speeding truck!
There was no thought as I instantly moved in to secure the little girl, and as I was about to use my momentum to throw her to the relative safety of the oncoming lane, unfortunately because of the loss of my left eye I never saw that fucking sports car until it was too late!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!
I continued to make for the median while trying my best to shield the little girl in my arms from the worst of the impact I knew was coming!
WE'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!
"I'm sorry."
The pain came all too suddenly with the sound of screeching brakes…
"Rumi-chan! Are you okay?!"
'Hey-ie-ie-ie-ah-ah-ah~!''
I couldn't save her.
I couldn't save her!
It took all I had not to hyperventilate as I stared at the ghostly form of the little girl who standing in front of Tsurumi and Yuigahama…
'Hey-ie-ie-oh~! In your head~! In your head~! Zombie~! zombie~! zombie-ie-ie~!'
The little girl stared back at me sadly as her broken mp3 player continued to play.
'What's in your head~?! In your head~?! Zombie~! zombie~! zombie-ie-ie-ie~! Du~! Du~! Du~! Du~! Du~! Du~! Du~! Du~! Du-OooH-AHH~!'
"I'm sorry I couldn't save you…"
'Whoa-oh~! Whoa-ah~! Whoa~ Ah-ah-ah~! ra-ra~ ra-ra~'
I was just a fucking death flag that couldn't save anyone…
Achievement unlocked: Born To Kill
Author's Note:
Hmm, maybe we should change the Kawasomething tag to Totsuka..., we do seem to keep forgetting about her Sexalonenious...
Not now Jerry! Why don't you just go see how our new intern Manuel is doing? Readers? What about the Readers? Ah!
Wubba lubba dub-dub! And his name is Robert Paulson Reader-san!
Also, you're HERE! In my hotel room...
Why am I in a hotel writing on a shitty laptop that Grammarly almost burnt out?
Because a close family member SHOT HIMSELF AND MISSED! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT READER-SAN?!
No, I keep telling you his time hath NOT come Sexalonenious!
He's just in the ICU for the new hole in his head... And on drugs!
LOTS OF DRUGS READER-SAN!
Well, I'm sure the local Psych-Quack and the Medicos will do SOMETHING about it Reader-san!
Guns and Alcohol... Why the fuck is my life turning into a Mexican soap opera Kyon?!
Oh and speaking of Mexicans, meet our NEW intern, Manuel!
SAY. HELLO. TO. THE. READERS. MANUEL!
¡Ya te dije que no se permiten mascotas y todavía no has pagado tu habitación, gringo loco!
Ah, Spanish, a damn fine language!
Don't speak a word of it I'm afraid...
So how about a review before you LEAVE Reader-san?!
And to those of you who still LIKE watching this dumpster fire, I thank you!
[App Fren-ly End Space]