Hello everyone!
nw150: As we say in the Cosmere fandom, RAFO!
foxmoon8537: Don't worry, I have many, many plans for this fic and there is so much more written than I have here posted.
Let's get into it.
Mando'a translations at the end
TW: Suicide/Suicide Attempts
Let me know if you need a chapter recap and I'll add one
Fives stood over Echo's bed. Wrecker slumbered in a chair nearby. Ahsoka watched them. She couldn't move as Fives leaned low over Echo. He cupped Echo's face with both hands and pressed their foreheads together.
The words he said were whispered but Ahsoka heard them clear as day.
"Ret'urcye mhi. But I hope it's a long time. Ni ceta, ner vod."
Fives tucked something under the pillow and turned from Echo. He passed Ahsoka by with no acknowledgement. He slipped through the living room and went out into the night.
"Fives!" Ahsoka choked out as she sat up in bed.
The room was silent. She cast her senses around the apartment. Fives was not there.
Ahsoka scrambled to her feet and dashed into the front room. Tech was still working.
"Tech!" Ahsoka hissed. "When did Fives leave?"
"Hmm?" Tech asked. He focused on her with seeming difficulty. "I would say five or ten minutes ago."
"Why didn't you stop him?" Ahsoka demanded.
"He is his own man. I assumed he was going to the fighting ring and I was not inclined to dissuade him." Tech said.
"No." Ahsoka said. "He wasn't going to the ring. He wouldn't, not after what happened."
Tech looked puzzled.
"Then where-"
"I don't know." Ahsoka said. "I just have a very bad feeling."
Then she remembered part of her dream. She rushed to Echo's bed and tugged out a piece of flimsi.
It read 'I did my duty.' in a shaky hand.
Ahsoka stumbled out of the room. Tech demanded to see it, and then paled.
"Perhaps- he is going to Umbara's Ledge."
"What? What is that?" Ahsoka asked.
But the name sent shivers down her spine.
"It is-" Tech cleared his throat. "It is where clones go to end their lives."
The Force screamed at Ahsoka.
"What are the coordinates?" Ahsoka demanded.
The moment Tech had given them to her, Ahsoka bolted from the room. Her heart raged against her ribcage as she sprinted to her speeder bike. Fives' speeder was gone.
Even the half second it took for her bike to start was too long. She shot into the air, ignoring all traffic laws as she wove in between speeders and transports. She even Forced some speeders out of her way, causing the owners to curse after her.
The night was calm and balmy, a direct contrast to Ahsoka's storming emotions. Of course, that was nothing to what Fives must have been feeling.
Ahsoka's chest hurt as she thought of Fives. How could she have missed this? How could she have let him think this was an answer?
Soon, but not quick enough, she was out of the busy sector of the city and among the dark, abandoned buildings. The war had emptied these places. Ahsoka quickly realized the coordinates were leading her to the tallest building in the area.
She forced the speeder to go faster, though she risked burning out the engine. She didn't bother looking for a landing platform; she just headed straight to the top of the building.
She was level with the top of the building now. She scanned the edges of the tower. Where-
She saw him.
Fives was on the other side. Ahsoka hit the accelerator. Time slowed as she rocketed across the roof. In one moment she took the sight of him in. He was standing at the very edge. His back was straight and his arms lifted away from his sides. His jacket whipped around him in the wind. He was a void in the Force, everything that made him Fives being smothered by the emptiness.
Then he fell forward.
Ahsoka threw her hands out. Fives froze in mid air, hovering inches from the edge of the building. Ahsoka strengthened her hold as she felt and saw Fives begin to struggle against her grip.
"No!" He screamed. "No! Let me go! Let-"
Ahsoka yanked, and Fives was sent sprawling across the roof, away from the edge. He lay crumpled where he landed as Ahsoka reached him. She leapt off the bike and knelt at his side, ready to catch him if he made another dash for the edge. He didn't. He lay there, chest heaving, but otherwise not moving. Ahsoka reached for him and immediately he jerked away into a sitting position.
"Fives." Ahsoka said. "Fives."
He didn't look at her. A tangle of emotions threatened to overwhelm Ahsoka. Grief, terror, even anger painfully pulsed in her chest. She took a moment to push those emotions away. She could feel them later. Fives needed her now.
"What happened to Echo wasn't your fault." She said.
Because what else could have driven him here?
He shook his head.
"That's a lie." He croaked. "It's my fault. It happened because of me. It's all my fault-"
The Force trembled and from the emptiness that was Fives came a trickle of shame, guilt, and self loathing. Fives began to cry, tears streaming down his face and his mouth open in silent sobs.
The trickle of emotions became a steady stream and Ahsoka was nearly overwhelmed by the absolute guilt Fives was steeped in.
She reached out to tug him further away from the edge. He let her. Encouraged, she loosely wrapped her arms around him. He didn't return the embrace, but he let her hold him.
Eventually his sobs subsided, but his emotions were still potent in the Force.
"It's all my fault." He muttered. "They all could have been home by now if it weren't for me. You could have Rex back."
Ahsoka's insides twisted. Surely he didn't blame himself for the Kaminoans' stubbornness?
"It's not your fault." Ahsoka said again. "It's-"
"It is!" Fives pulled away and glared at her with tear reddened eyes. "Stop saying that! Every decision I've made has made things worse!"
He put a hand on his head and he seemed to wilt again.
"I should have died when Palpatine did." He muttered. "When I did my duty."
"No." Ahsoka said. "We want you here."
She watched a few more tears escape his eyes. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes.
"Come on." Ahsoka said to Fives. "We can't stay here."
Fives looked at her, tear tracks shining in the low light. Kriff, he looked young.
"I can't go back to them." He said. "I won't. Not while Echo's-"
"Please, Fives." Ahsoka said. "You-you need rest. And then we can figure out how to help you."
He turned away from her again.
"Maybe I was just made this way." He muttered. "Maybe I'm defective. Maybe I can't be helped."
"We won't know unless we try." Ahsoka said. "And I know Echo would want you to."
Fives twitched at Echo's name.
"He wants you there when he wakes up." Ahsoka said softly.
Fives stared into space a moment before giving a tiny nod. He let her heave him to his feet. Ahsoka glanced at her speeder bike. Technically it could hold two people, but after what had just happened, Ahsoka wanted a more secure space for Fives.
"Where's the speeder?" She asked him.
"There's a landing pad, a few floors down." Fives said. "I- wanted it to be easy for you to find."
Ahsoka tightened her mouth at his confession.
"Come on." She said again.
She was relieved that he came with her easily, though she kept a grip on his arm as they went. After a moment of thought, Ahsoka took out her comm and inputted Echo's frequency. It was Tech who answered.
"Ah. I assumed you would contact us. What is the situation?"
"Fives is alive." Ahsoka said.
"That is good news." Tech said.
"Don't tell the others what happened." Ahsoka ordered. "Let them- let them think he tried to just leave Coruscant."
Tech was silent for a moment.
"Yes, that is probably best." He said. "I will begin my research."
Ahsoka was going to ask what research when the comm clicked off.
"They don't care." Fives said. "They only deal with me because of Echo."
"They do care." Ahsoka said, though she wasn't quite sure if she was right, especially regarding Crosshair.
She expected Fives to argue, but he remained silent. He mutely got into the passenger seat. He hunched in on himself, hands tucked under his arms.
Ahsoka was careful as they flew back into the lights of Coruscant's busiest sector. Somehow, she felt that a smooth ride would help Fives. She kept a loose hold in the Force on him, just in case.
They got to their apartment without incident and without words. Ahsoka entered the darkened apartment. Fives followed her with a wary air. Tech was waiting where Ahsoka had left him. His goggles caught the low light and gleamed oddly at them.
"Ah. You have returned." He said.
Without warning he edged past Ahsoka and took Fives by the shoulders.
"We are not inconvenienced by your presence." Tech said.
Then, as if he hadn't said anything, released Fives. Ahsoka guessed it was Tech's way of attempting to support Fives.
"I would suggest getting rest. It has been an eventful night." Tech said.
Fives, looking bewildered, shrugged. Ahsoka nodded to Tech before steering Fives to his room. Fives bypassed his bed and went straight to Echo.
"I'm back." He muttered to his brother. "The Commander wouldn't let me go."
There was a slight tremor in the Force, originating from Echo. It was a trembling wave of pure relief.
"He's glad you're here." Ahsoka told Fives.
Fives glanced at her.
"You need to sleep." She told him.
He obediently went to his bed and laid down on his side. Ahsoka met his gaze.
"I'm going to give you a sleep suggestion." Ahsoka said. "And you aren't going to resist."
Fives nodded.
"Sleep." Ahsoka said.
Fives blinked a few times, and then his eyes began to droop. He closed them and it was only a few minutes before his breathing evened out and deepened.
Ahsoka pulled the blanket over him and tugged off his boots. Tech met her at the doorway.
"If Crosshair says anything to him I will strangle him." Ahsoka said in a low tone before Tech could speak.
"Yes, I do not believe Crosshair was helpful in the matter. I will speak to Hunter about it."
"They can't know!" Ahsoka said. "And Fives needs to be supported right now. If any of you are going to give him a hard time, you better just leave now."
"That will not be necessary." Tech said. "Crosshair's increased aggression has been due to Echo's condition. The situation will improve when Echo recovers."
"Good." Ahsoka said. "Are you almost done?"
"I am near my limit." Tech admitted. "I will need to rest soon. But after that, it will take less than six hours."
"Do-" Ahsoka swallowed. She didn't want to admit what had happened. "Do you know how to help him?"
"As of twenty minutes ago, yes." Tech said. "We must watch him carefully. It is likely that he will repeat the attempt."
"He'll try again?" Ahsoka asked.
"It is probable." Tech said. "You only prevented the attempt. The situation that drove him to this state has likely not changed."
Ahsoka swallowed. What drove him to this state. What made him try to kill himself. Fives just tried to kill himself.
Once the thought surfaced, it latched on to her mind, repeating over and over again.
Fives just tried to kill himself.
Fives just tried to kill himself.
"Fives just tried to kill himself." Ahsoka whispered.
"Yes, I am aware-"
Ahsoka cut across Tech with a sob. One of her best friends, one of her brothers, just tried to end his life. He tried to leave them. The emotions she had been repressing came to her in full force, filling her insides with a painful burn.
Ahsoka felt her legs collapse. Unexpected hands caught her. Tech. She grasped at him, needing some form of comfort as her insides ripped themselves apart.
"Ah. I see that you have compartmentalized your initial emotions." She heard Tech say distantly. "And now they are releasing. This is common in-"
He trailed off and Ahsoka felt herself being eased down to her knees. Tech's steady hand lightly pressed the back of her head, guiding her to his shoulder. He kept his hand there, while the other gently patted her back. Ahsoka wept for a long time. Tech sat there and allowed her to cry into his shoulder.
Finally, with gasping breaths, she managed to compose herself. She sat up, breaking Tech's hold.
"Was my comfort sufficient?" Tech asked. "I am not normally- ah- adept at this sort of thing. I used to be far worse, of course. But Omega had a hard time adjusting to her life away from Kamino. We, well, I, had to learn."
"Thank you, Tech." Ahsoka said, managing a smile. "It was what I needed."
"Ah. Good." Tech said. "I suspect you too need rest. I will wake Hunter and tell him to watch Fives."
Ahsoka hesitated, but the release of her pain had left her exhausted and empty.
"Okay." She said. "Get me when he wakes. Don't leave him alone."
Tech nodded.
Ahsoka went to her room, kicked off her boots, and despite the thoughts still embedded in her head, fell asleep when her head hit the pillow.
Fives opened his eyes. The room was warm and bright. What time was it? He had to guess past midday. Echo was still in his bed, tubes and wires sticking out from all over. Omega was perched next to him.
She started as Fives sat up.
"Um, good morning!" She said. "Or, good afternoon I guess."
Fives gave her a small nod and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He stared at his bare feet. He didn't remember taking his boots off.
He blinked as Omega slipped into his view. She appraised him with solemn eyes before suddenly wrapping her arms around him. Fives froze, but allowed Omega to hug him. Did she know? It seemed a long time before she let go.
"You don't have to run away." She said, looking him in the eye. "We're here to help."
That's right, that's what they thought. The idea sent an odd feeling through him. He was relieved that they didn't know, but to be thought cowardly enough to try and flee- that rankled him. Omega glanced towards the door.
"Stay here." Omega ordered.
Omega opened the door and trotted out. Fives had no inclination to leave the room; he did not want to face the others. In only a few seconds Omega returned with Ahsoka.
"You're awake." Ahsoka said. "Good."
Omega looked between them.
"I'll go help Tech." She said. "He says it won't be long until we can put Echo's implant back on."
A faded sort of relief hit Fives. Omega slipped out, leaving Ahsoka to stare at him.
"How are you feeling?" She asked.
Fives shrugged. He wasn't quite sure. Not necessarily better than the day before, but different.
"Do you want to talk?" She asked.
"No." Fives said.
It had been bad enough baring his emotions the night before. He didn't feel ready to do it again.
"Okay." Ahsoka said. "But if you want to, I'm here."
"Thank you." Fives mumbled.
He looked over at Echo. He just wanted to be at his brother's side right now.
"Go on and stay with him." Ahsoka said. "I'll get you something to eat."
Fives didn't want to eat, but when Ahsoka returned with a ration bar and cup of water, he accepted them. She watched him unwrap it and take a small bite. It felt like chalk in his mouth, but the water helped.
He was surprised when Ahsoka only sat with him for a short time after he'd finished the ration bar. He'd thought they'd be on him at all times. Maybe they figured they'd be able to see him sneak out.
He wasn't going to. Ahsoka had been right about one thing last night. Echo would miss him.
"Things were a lot easier when we were at war." He said to Echo.
The sound of Echo's life support was both soothing in its rhythmic noises, but also anxiety inducing. If it stopped, the last of the Dominos would fall. Fives wondered if the others realized that.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed when Omega burst into the room.
"Tech's finished!" She told Fives.
Fives blinked and smiled, a real smile. Tech came in, the rest of the Batch and Ahsoka trailing behind. With no warning, he lifted Echo's head and clicked the implant back into place.
Nothing changed.
"Why isn't he waking up?" Omega voiced Fives' fears.
"I have set a timer on his implant." Tech said. "I doubt he would appreciate waking to so many wires."
Fives relaxed a little. No, Echo would probably panic if he woke up with tubes in his nose and wires in his chest. Tech began removing them with Omega's help. Echo continued to breathe after it was all gone.
"How long?" Fives asked.
Tech glanced at the chrono.
"Four and a half minutes."
Each second dragged as they all waited for Echo's eyes to open.
Finally, he groaned and struggled to prop himself up.
Omega made a sound between a laugh and a sob and then threw her arms around him.
"Hey, 'Mega." He mumbled, patting her back.
"So you remember Omega." Tech said. "That is encouraging."
"Was losing his memory a possibility?" Ahsoka asked, aghast.
"Of course." Tech said. "I did say that brain damage was possible. I thought it was obvious."
"I remember everything." Echo said. "Even some stuff when I was asleep."
His eyes flicked over to Fives and Fives felt his stomach drop. Tech pushed up his goggles.
"I will still need to test your cognitive-"
"I'm fine, Tech." Echo said. "Except this headache."
"It's good to have you back!" Wrecker said, slamming his hand down on Echo's shoulder.
"I'm surprised Cross didn't bet I'd die." Echo said.
Crosshair rolled his eyes.
"You wouldn't die from something like this." He said.
"You once bet I'd die after I hit my head on the door frame." Echo said.
Crosshair shrugged.
"He's just glad you're all right." Omega said.
Hunter and Ahsoka came forward to express their relief. Echo smiled and laughed with them, but he kept looking at Fives.
"Okay, all of you out." Echo said. "I want to get out of these."
He gestured vaguely at his sweat stained blacks. Crosshair rolled his eyes while Wrecker just looked mildly confused.
"You get dressed in front of us all the time!" He protested.
"In front of the Commander?" Echo asked. "Or Omega? Just get out."
Hunter started corralling the rest of the Batch out. Ahsoka and Fives made to leave as well.
"Fives." Echo suddenly said. "Give me a hand, I've only got one."
Fives hesitated, but stayed behind as the others left. He was barely able to look at Echo as the door closed. Echo merely appraised Fives for a few moments before opening his arms.
Fives hesitated a moment before grabbing his brother in a tight embrace.
"It's okay." Echo said into Fives' shoulder. "I'm okay."
A few shameful tears dripped down Fives' face.
"Where did you think you were going?" Echo asked when Fives finally let go.
"Just- not here." Fives said.
It wasn't a lie. Echo stared at him.
"I didn't have a choice when I left you." He said. "Don't choose to leave me."
"Yeah." Fives said. "I won't."
Echo lightly tapped his head against Fives'.
"We Dominos have to stick together." He said.
Fives nodded. No matter how he felt, how bad things got, he could not leave Echo.
Ahsoka watched Padme sink into her desk chair, a hand on her head.
"The Jedi Council are refusing to speak to me now." She said.
Kal scowled, an interesting expression on a man with two babies on his hips. Luke and Leia sometimes seemed more content with the Mandalorian than with their parents.
"From the Republic's lapdogs to isolationists." He grumbled. "Balance my shebs."
"Then what do we do?" Omega asked.
She and Echo had been announced as the new clone representatives that day. Omega especially seemed determined to prove herself worthy of the role.
"The people of Ryloth are willing to take up arms again." Senator Minx said.
"And not all Jedi are opposed to fighting for the freedom of the clones." Plo said.
"And of course, we have you, Kal." Padme said with a slight smile.
Kal frowned, adjusting his grip on Leia.
"That's not enough." He said finally. "Before Mereel went dark, he figured out that every clone left on Kamino at the end of the war is now under the control of the inhibitor chips. The Kaminoans have a sizable force completely loyal to them."
Kal began pacing.
"And the Kaminoans aren't going to announce to the rest of them that the force coming to Kamino is there to rescue them. They'll just tell them that they're being attacked and most of them won't question it."
He turned to face the quiet room.
"Unless we want to kill half the boys we're trying to save, we're going to have to find another way."
Mando'a:
Ret'urcye Mhi: maybe we'll meet again, traditional Mandalorian farewell. (Fives is implying that they'll meet again in the afterlife)
Ni ceta, ner vod: I'm sorry, my brother
shebs: backside
I was honestly surprised with how many of you caught on to Fives' intentions. In the original draft, he succeeded. Fives killing himself was a very early concept. I had come up with the concept that many clones were suicidal after the war and I knew I needed someone the audience cares about deeply to truly hit it home. Thank my mom for insisting that Fives survive. It took a lot longer to get him to this point in earlier drafts. But as I wrote, I realized he hits his lowest point here. (Another draft included Fives surviving but Cody falling in the process of stopping him)
I hope I managed to give the subject the gravity and respect it deserves. Suicide with veterans is an awfully common thing and I in no way want to romanticize it or make light of it. It is an awful thing that happens. If you feel some part feels off, please let me know.
Umbara's Ledge was also an early concept. Ahsoka doesn't know because the clones purposefully kept it away from her. It was shameful to them.
You're welcome for Soft Tech.
And no, unfortunately we are not going to invade Kamino. We need another way out.
Wear your masks, remember to review, and have a great few weeks!