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The tumult of her mind was now painfully great. She knew not how to support herself, and from actual weakness sat down and cried for half an hour. Her astonishment, as she reflected on what had passed, was increased by every review of it. That she should receive an offer of marriage from Mr Darcy, and even more beyond belief, that she had accepted it.
She continued in very agitating reflections till the sound of Lady Catherine's carriage made her feel how unequal she was to encounter Charlotte's observation, and hurried her away to her room. Elizabeth prepared herself quickly and quietly for bed, hoping not to draw attention to herself, which might result in an enquiry to see how she was feeling.
Despite her weariness, she found it impossible to sleep, her mind full of the events of the day. Even after some hours' reflection, she could not bring herself to regret her acceptance of his offer. All the considerations that had affected her decision held no less weight now that she'd had time to examine them further. Her family's situation wasn't desperate, but it could easily become so, with a disinterested father, a silly mother, and little to encourage suitors to offer even for Jane, let alone her younger sisters.
At least as Mrs Darcy she could help them far better than if she stayed unmarried. It was the right choice, for her family if not for herself. Of course, it didn't escape her that Mr Collins had offered a similar situation, if not anywhere near as comfortable or as advantageous to her family. Yet how easily she had turned down one man who she didn't love, but accepted another.
However, as much as her family's circumstances had occupied her thoughts, and been the main motivation for her decision, she could not stop her mind turning to one of the surprisingly pleasant moments of their earlier interview. Her first kiss. And with Mr Darcy, whom she didn't like. If she'd been told that morning that before sunset she would not only be engaged to the man, but would have shared a kiss with him - the man who seemed so indifferent and proud, she would have laughed.
Not that she could complain about the kiss. Despite her dislike, she could not deny that he was extremely handsome, possibly the most handsome man of her acquaintance. The kiss hadn't been at all unpleasant. It had certainly awakened something inside of her that she had neer felt before. As much as she hated to admit it, even to herself, she wouldn't have minded if he had kissed her again.
Elizabeth wasn't completely ignorant of what would be expected of her as part of her wifely duties. A propensity for long walks in the countryside, as well as a natural curiosity and intelligence that was a part of her character, had given her a vague understanding of what led to the creation of offspring, although she hoped it wasn't quite so… indecorous as it seemed to be in nature.
During the unwanted proposal address from her cousin, unfortunately encouraged by her mother, the thought of sharing a bed with Mr Collins, let alone doing… that, had thoroughly repulsed her. It wasn't just his build or appearance that she found distasteful, but his personality was so objectionable, and she knew she could never do… that… with a man she thought foolish. Besides, she could only imagine the ridiculous words of advice from Lady Catherine about the correct way to fulfil his marital duties, that he would no doubt need to share as he went about it. Poor Charlotte.
Mr Darcy, however, most assuredly did not disgust her. Despite her dislike for his manners, his figure excited quite the opposite feeling in her. He was tall and well-formed, his countenance was handsome. Mr Darcy might be abominably proud and arrogant, but she had never heard anything that would suggest he was anything less than capable in the discharge of his responsibilities towards his tenants and estate. She might not like him, but she could still respect him and his abilities in a way she could not ever respect Mr Collins. Had their fortunes been reversed, had Mr Collins been in receipt of ten thousand a year and a great estate, and Mr Darcy the parson of a small parish, she would still have refused the former and accepted the latter.
Elizabeth still could not fathom how Mr Darcy had fallen so in love with her as to propose, especially considering how proud he was of his station in life. She wondered what it was in her that had excited his notice so far as to wish her his wife, even though society would see it as marrying far beneath him. Their characters were so different, where she was lively and enjoyed company, he was reserved, even in the presence of his own relations. He seemed no more comfortable around his aunt and cousin than he had in Hertfordshire. She had even noticed some embarrassment at certain comments by the former, although he had said nothing to check her. Perhaps he could overlook such behaviour in a titled aunt that he could not from Elizabeth's own family.
That he hadn't given her a hint of his regard was remarkable. Even more so that her mother hadn't become aware of the idea of him as a suitor, as she was generally not slow to realise any opportunity that could be of benefit to any of her daughters. Indeed, she was usually the opposite, seeing possibilities that could never be.
Looking back over the whole of her acquaintance with Mr Darcy, Elizabeth could only recall their dance at Netherfield as being an indicator of his interest, and at the time she had believed he had only danced with her due to the fact that she was the only woman in the room, other than Mr Bingley's sisters, that he knew well enough to dance with. The rest of the time he had seemingly only been looking at her to judge her, and apparently find her wanting.
Lying in bed, reviewing every look, every conversation with a new understanding, Elizabeth lay awake for hours, before finally drifting off into a restless sleep.
…
Elizabeth didn't have the chance to speak privately with Mr Darcy again before he and his cousin left the county. She had escaped the parsonage early that morning, unable to face Mr Collins over the breakfast table with her mind still in such turmoil. She was not overly surprised to meet her fiancée along her favourite walk through the park, as he was well aware of her walking habits, and had joined her on several occasions during the course of his visit. What was more unusual was the presence of Colonel Fitzwilliam.
The latter gentleman greeted her jovially, and quickly fell into step beside her, and after an awkward moment, Mr Darcy fell in on her other side.
She could barely hold her countenance when Mr Darcy's fingers repeatedly brushed hers. The first time she could have thought it an accident, but Elizabeth quickly realised that the touches were deliberate and that he was trying to hold her hand. She was so surprised, that when he finally managed to catch her fingers she let him hold them.
They walked for some time with their fingers entwined, hidden by the folds of her skirt and his coat. Mr Darcy spoke the least of the small party, although he was more verbose than her usual experience of him. There was something about his countenance, however, that suggested that he was not at all displeased to be on the fringes of her conversation with Colonel Fitzwilliam, and on the occasion their eyes met, the expression in his was warm and soft. The conversation between the three of them was as pleasant as she'd had with either gentleman, although she couldn't help but wonder at the slightly bemused looks the Colonel gave his cousin on occasion.
They both accompanied Elizabeth back to the parsonage, formally to take leave of the Collinses, but really so they could spend more time in her company. Mr Darcy maneuvered himself so that he was seated closest to her, which surprised both Charlotte and the Colonel, the latter of which had planned to seat by her himself.
Instead, the Colonel was forced to put up with the majority of Mr Collins effusions, although his eyes seemed to turn toward herself and his cousin often enough it was clear his suspicions had been awakened by his cousin's unusual behaviour that morning. However, in the company of the Collinses and Maria Lucas, Mr Darcy was just as taciturn as ever she'd seen him, and though he looked at her seemingly as severely as much as he was wont to do, this time she knew his gaze was in fact admiration rather than disapprobation. The knowledge made her self-conscious, especially in front of so many witnesses, and she was far more quiet than was usual.
Mr Collins didn't notice anything unusual, as busy as he was extolling the virtues of his patron and humbling himself before his noble guests. It was clear, however, that Charlotte had noticed both the seating arrangement and her friend's silence, and her curious looks suggested that Elizabeth would be facing an inquisition later when they had a chance to speak alone.
With both her disinclination to talk, and her fiancé's haughty reticence when around those he deemed beneath him, their end of that room was almost silent, for though Elizabeth had never been afraid to challenge Mr Darcy's haughty manner and provoking him into a response, she was too conscious of the attention they drew, both from her friend and his cousin. She was still not recovered from the surprise of finding herself engaged, and in front of so many witnesses, felt not just the gaze of her intended, which she now knew to be admiration, but also the curious glances of those who she knew were suspicious of them, most keenly.
At last, all the pleasantries had been exchanged, and the gentlemen were taking their leave. Elizabeth tried to hang back as they accompanied them outside, but both gentlemen were determined to say a particular final goodbye to her. Retreating quickly from Charlotte's knowing eye and Mr Collins' effusive praise of their departed guests, Elizabeth retreated to her room with the excuse of freshening up. She managed to escape her friend's questions for the rest of the day by making sure she was not left alone in her company even for a half an hour before retreating to her room for the night.
The two gentlemen left Rosings the next morning, and Mr Collins, having been in waiting near the lodges, to make them his parting obeisance, was able to bring home the pleasing Intelligence, of their appearing in very good health, and in as tolerable spirits as could be expected, after the melancholy scene so lady gone through at Rosings. To Rosings he then hastened to console Lady Catherine, and her daughter; and on his return brought back, with great satisfaction, a message from her ladyship, importing that she felt herself so dull as to make a very desirous of having them all to dine with her.
Elizabeth could not see Lady Catherine without recollecting, that had she desired it, that she might have been presented to her, as he future niece; nor could she think, without a smile, of what her ladyship's indignation would be when she finally received news of her nephew's engagement. What would she say? - how would she behave? were questions with which she amused herself.
Elizabeth could only be grateful for the lack of conversation required from her, except for a few questions about her return to Longbourn that Lady Catherine barely gave Elizabeth any chance to answer for herself. She wondered at the lady's continued allusions over the alliance between daughter and Mr Datcy, when it could not be clearer to Elizabeth that the gentleman' had no such intentions.
He had shown no interest in his cousin, let alone any inclination for her company. Not that Elizabeth could blame him, for the young lady had barely spoken 2 words together in all the time Elizabeth had been there, she had no talents to make up for her lack of interesting conversation, and was pale and sickly. In short, she had little to recommend her to any gentleman, let alone one such as Mr Darcy, who would surely need a capable wife to be mistress of what Elizabeth could assume was a sizable estate. She doubted her ability to even produce an heir at all, let alone a healthy one, and could surely only endanger her own life if she attempted to.
At least by marrying Elizabeth, he was joining a family well known for their ability to produce children, although not of the preferred sex. Elizabeth wondered whether Pemberly had an entail, or whether a girl child would do as well as a boy as heir. The thought of what would have to happen to produce a child made her blush, and she could only be grateful that the aunt of the man she was having unmaidenly thoughts about, was so engrossed in relaying tales of her own importance and condescension to the most grateful Mr Collins. Charlotte, seated on the other side of Miss de Bourgh, and therefore not directly under the lady's scrutiny, did notice her lack of attention to the conversation. The number of pointed looks sent her way promised that her friend would not let her escape a conversation once again.
She managed to avoid Charlotte until the following afternoon. Mr Collins had braved the light rain to call at Rosings, and Maria had claimed a headache and had gone upstairs to lie down. Luckily for Elizabeth, Charlotte had not probed too deeply, and the conversation had ended without her learning the full truth of the situation, although she was clearly suspicious. Elizabeth had promised to write to her with any news she might have, as soon as there was any to be shared, but both keenly felt the reduced intimacy between them that had come about as a result of her friend's marriage to Mr Collins, Elizabeth felt that perhaps Charlotte had chosen not to pry too far lest she discover something that should not be kept hidden from her husband.
It was obvious to Elizabeth that her friend wished for and would encourage the match, at least out of the hearing of Mr Collins and his illustrious patron, but also that she was surprised at even the slightest hint that Elizabeth had changed in her feelings towards Mr Darcy. How Elizabeth wished she had been more moderate in her words against Mr Darcy. Charlotte's disbelief, when she had only the slightest idea of the full truth of the situation, did not bode well for the reaction of her family, and her father in particular, when the time came for her to confess all.