Author's Note:
This episode is the first chapter in which a real life celebrity appears as a character. Hopefully it goes well...
Episode 7: Caffeine
Today was the day before Super Bowl 50 - the Denver Broncos vs the Carolina Panthers. The stakes couldn't be higher, especially at the Smash Mansion, where Mario is organizing the Super Bowl party, with Peach. The two always plan for the party every year, and usually Zelda likes to pitch in.
"Here's the grocery list for the party," Peach handed Mario a grocery list, and the plumber skimmed through it. It was a very, very long list, but Mario had to buy whatever food items were needed for a giant number of brawlers to consume.
"Shopping this-a year is gonna be tough," Mario stroked his chin. Everyone in the mansion is a picky eater; Wario loves meat and hates healthy stuff, Pit loves fruits and hates anything lacking nutritional value. So satisfying everybody will be very tough on Mario's part.
"Can I be of assistance?" Akira Yuki asked Mario, willing to help. "At times like these during the year, things get stressful for shoppers, and I don't want you to stress yourself out with this grocery list.
"It's-a fine, Akira, I can handle this, this isn't Christmas after all..." assured Mario. Although he knew Akira wanted to help out, the plumber felt confident that he won't screw things up.
Akira Yuki: Mario puts too much stress upon himself as the man of the mansion! He needs all the help and assistance he gets!
"Please Mario, I beg of you, take me with you and shopping will be a breeze!" begged Akira. This would be the kung fu fighter's last plea; will Mario take the offer.
"Might as well have Jacky take us to the supermarket," shrugged Mario. Akira cheered, leaping into the air; his begging worked!
"Thank you Mario for hearing me out!" Akira bowed in front of Mario, and left the room. "Call me when you're ready to go!"
"Are you sure about this, Mario?" Peach rested her hand on Mario's shoulder. "Akira seems like an intense fellow to be going out with in public."
"He can't-a be that bad," replied Mario. "At least he's-a not Wario..."
The lovable, darling, and tenderhearted fatso we all know and love as Wario (yeah, right) was busy getting his new digital camera ready. Why is he readying his camera, you might ask? So when the camera cuts to the cheerleaders, Wario would snap pictures and send them to his e-mail. Doc Louis - who flew on a plane to to San Francisco to attend the Super Bowl - decided against taking Wario with him for this very reason. Who knows what he plans to do with these pictures - perhaps he might share them with Captain Falcon.
Then came the hated, despicable, and unkind puffball we all know and love as Kirby (only a heartless jerk would think of Kirby as such). He took notice of Wario's camera, and pointed at it. He's not gonna suck it up, is he?
"You can't have it!" Wario shielded his beloved camera away from Kirby. "It's mine, all mine!"
Kirby didn't care; he just took Wario's camera and ran away with it.
"Get back here with my camera!" Wario chased after the pink puffball, but his large weight pulled him down. He slowly came to a stop and panted, resting his hand against a nearby wall, before falling on the floor. All that binge eating Wario does is slowing him down.
Wario: A year ago Mario signed me up to participate in a marathon, against my will. He said that if I last the entire event, he will get me one ton of hot wings! Before the marathon began, I spent all my money on hot wings, since I didn't believe in Mario's little enticement. So when I did the marathon, and collapsed midway through, Mario decided to give those hots wings to Bowser and his kids! Why do they deserve hot wings? They didn't have to run in the horrid sun with loads of weight pulling down on you!
"Fat bums like yourself should not be panting on the floor as an act of tiredness and exhaustion!" Ryu approached Wario, carrying a punching bag over his shoulders. He just got through an intense training session - something Wario hasn't done since he was a mere child.
"Who are you calling a fat bum?!" Wario tried to get up, but immensely struggled to do so. Ryu helped the fatso up. "I didn't need your help!"
"How do you expect to find the woman of you dreams if you persist on carrying that weight around! I shall train you in my intense workouts, so you make lose all that flab in your belly! Within days, you'll be much more slimmer, and the ladies will flock you, like how chickens flock a Hyrulian farmer with bird seed!"
"Ladies will flock me if I'm slimmer..." Wario stroke his chin, mulling over if he should put in effort, and effort is not worth it for him. "You think so?"
"Think so? I know so..."
Ryu: I am a firm believer that Wario can truly step up his game if he loses a little weight - actually, A LOT of weight! He can't have a love interest if he remains overweight! Why else do you think those fat men spend their time on the couch, eating chips and watching Seinfeld reruns like bums, and not with the woman they choose to be their wife?
"So when does these workouts start?" asked Wario, hoping little to no effort is required. Ryu did say the workouts were intense, so Wario shouldn't be developing this sort of rationale.
"Our workouts will commence later this afternoon," stated Ryu. "Better be ready until the time comes!"
In order to get them mentally prepared for the big game, Bowser taught Link and Shulk everything they needed to know about Super Bowl 50. Like every teaching that came before this one, Bowser was filling the two swordsmen's heads with false information.
"Super Bowl 50 will be played by the Tennessee Titans and Dallas Cowboys," explained the Koopa King. Both teams finished in the bottom of the gutter last season.
"Should make for a great game!" said Shulk, who recently learned that Peyton Manning was one of the worst players ever.
"Perhaps the biggest matchup in Super Bowl history!" added Link. There was a knock at the door; Zelda entered the room.
"May I speak to Link please?" she asked.
"Can't you see I'm busy, it's never nice to disturb others when they're learning!" frowned Bowser. Zelda gave him a stern look - it was one of those looks that kinda scare you, the more it is prolonged. "...Link, you are excused."
So Link got up and headed out the door. What does Zelda wish to discuss with the hero of Hyrule?
"I need you to help me decorate the living room for tomorrow," she said to Link. Decorating the living room? The blonde swordsman quickly ran back to the room, before Zelda grabbed his hand and pulled him back. "You're my only help Link!"
"I'M you're only help?" Link scoffed. "Do you not realize how many helping hands there are in this mansion?"
"Not that many people offered to help..."
Zelda: So far the only people who are interested in decorating the living room are the Inklings, Villager, and Proto Man. Inklings are getting the party supplies, Villager is getting the balloons, and Proto Man...he claims he's getting "special entertainment". Last time he brought special entertainment over to the mansion was when Dr. Eggman was doing belly dancing on New Year's Day. Poor Sonic could never think of his arch-nemesis the same way after that incident.
"Here are a list of players participating in the Super Bowl," Zelda handed Link a list of players. "I want to you find pictures of them and print them off so we can...anything wrong?" Link inquisitively looked over this list; apparently something was wrong.
"None of these players aren't even participating," Link pointed out, going back on what he learned from Bowser. "Especially Peyton Manning, that man is so buns, he won't ever come close to sniffing a Super Bowl trophy."
"Alright then, smartypants, who is playing in the Super Bowl?"
"Let's see..." Link would count with his fingers as he said the following names: "Tony Romo, Marcus Mariota, Dez Bryant, Marcus Mariota, Jason Witten, Marcus Mariota, Greg Hardy, Marcus Mariota, Jerry Jones, Marcus Mariota...did I already say Mariota?"
"You just named players from the Cowboys and the Titans..." How does Zelda know this? Good question: she usually goes online to see if Bowser's lessons are 100% true. And we all know they aren't.
"Exactly, both teams are playing in the game. Duh!"
"Come with me..." Zelda grabbed Link by the ear and took him away, like a nagging mother would. This type of behavior is mostly done between Pit and Palutena.
"You better be finished with my student soon!" Bowser shook his fist at Zelda, his head outside the door. Decorating stuff...a huge blessing in disguise for Link.
"Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug..." Falco, Fox, Ike, Red the Pokemon Trainer, Diddy Kong, and Jacky Bryant chanted on for Donkey Kong as the gorilla chugged down on a can of soda. After finishing the soda, DK crushed the can with his mighty hand, and threw it at a pile of empty cans. Those soda cans aren't for the Super Bowl party, are they?
"He did it!" Jacky cheered as the men did what most normal men would do in this instance: cheer wildly and act like a bunch of animals.
"Will you PLEASE keep it down, I'm trying to read!" Samus yelled from afar. She was reading a highly complex and in-depth bounty hunting book, so she needed all the concentration she could get.
"Screw your reading!" Falco yelled while the men continued to act like maniacs.
Samus: In order to become the best bounty hunter in the universe, it is integral that I learn from the ways of John Marston. His experiences of running from the law might be beneficial towards my learning.
"Could one of you boys carry the drinks to the cooler in the living room?" Peach poked her head through the doorway of the room. The men looked at each other nervously - all the drinks were consumed due to their masculine, testosterone-fueled stupidity. Good thing Peach is unable to see the pile of soda cans...
"Is there by chance..." began Red. "...I can bring them at a later time?" By the looks of things, Red might have a plan to solve this mess.
"That would be fine. But don't forget!"
Peach closed the door, slamming it so hard that the pile of soda cans came tumbling down.
"Hope you got a solution, dude..." Ike said to Red. The Pokemon Trainer better deliver with whatever plan he has, or he and the dudes will suffer from the wrath of Peach.
Little Mac felt devoid today...devoid of his trainer, Doc Louis. Ever since Doc made his plane trip to San Francisco, life without his boxing/personal trainer was hard for Mac to go through. But when the young boxer made his way to his room, he saw a note on his door. It read:
Hey Champ! Sorry I can't be here to watch the Super Bowl with you; dumb Broncos and Panthers just HAD to have cheerleaders on their teams! Keep your head up, 'cause I found the perfect guy to fill in for me while I'm away. I'm sure you know him pretty darn well. You'll two will get along just fine...Peace!
~Doc Louis
So Little Mac opened the door, and you won't believe who was standing in the middle of the room.
"Thup thon!" former world heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson greeted Little Mac in open arms, adorned in his blue jumpsuit. Mac just stared at Tyson with his mouth agape. "Thtop looking at me like that, you making me uncomfortable!"
Little Mac: Doc had Mike Freaking Tyson to fill in for him?! Why couldn't he have chosen someone more mundane, like Evander Holyfield?
"Give me a hug!" grinned Tyson. Little Mac didn't want to, so the former boxer had to walk up to Mac and give him a bro hug. Doc Louis never gave Mac bro hugs.
"Release...me..." Little Mac wheezed. Tyson let go of his grip on Mac, dropping him to the floor as he laid out sprawled across the floor.
"Little Mac are you okay?" Palutena rushed over to Mac and checked on him. She looked up at Tyson, and stared in awe. "Do I...know you?"
"Of course you know me woman, I'm Mike Tython, the former world heavyweight bocthing champ of the world!" Tyson snapped, somewhat offended that Palutena doesn't know him. "The game Little Mac appeared in? It wath named after my likeneth! Mac wouldn't be here if it wathn't for ME!"
"Why did you hurt Little Mac?!" Palutena treats Little Mac the same way she does with Pit, so when Mac's hurt, the goddess of light has to be in the know.
"I did not do thuch thing! Little Mac can handle the pain!"
"Woah is that Mike Tyson?" Knuckles approached Tyson, trying to keep his breath in. Never in his life did he expect to encounter Tyson, and the fact that he's in the same vicinity as him was too much for his brain to handle.
"You're Knuckleth the Echidna, right?" asked Tyson. Knuckles held his hands up to his mouth and gasped. Tyson knows his name, he couldn't believe it!
"HE KNOWS MY NAME!" Knuckles began to fangirl for no apparent reason. "He really knows my name! I'm gonna write a rap dedicated to you man!"
"Let me be the firtht to hear it!"
"You got it man!" Knuckles left, gleefully happy he got to meet the great Mike Tyson. Now he could actually boast to Sonic about something.
Kirby arrived at the gaming room with Wario's camera. At the gaming room was Pit, whom Kirby handed the camera to. What is he up to this time?
"With this camera, I can take embarrassing photos of myself, and show them to Viridi to maker her hate me!" the angel said. You know, Pit, there are other useful ways to get somebody to hate you.
Pit: Viridi had the gall to tell me that she loves me! What is that girl thinking?! I came to her room because I wanted someone to talk to after I got beat up, not for her to confess her love to me! Hopefully I don't get the cooties...
"What embarrassing photos should I take?" Pit wondered. Chrom showed up, listening to his music on his Beats headphones. Even a swordsman like Chrom has to listen to his ear-pumping jams to get himself pumped. "Chrom, can I speak with you for a second?"
Chrom did not respond; he continued to bob his head as he listened to his music. Perhaps Pit was n't yelling hard enough.
"CHROM I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU!" he yelled even louder, startling everyone in the gaming room.
"STOP BEING SO LOUD!" yelled Mewtwo, trying to focus while playing billiards with Olimar.
"SAYS THE GUY YELLING BACK AT ME!"
"Did somebody call me?" Chrom stopped playing his headphones and looked around. Pit motioned to himself. "Oh, Pit, sorry for the inconvenience. Is there something wrong?"
"I kinda need your help with..." Pit began, and Chrom's eyes widened at the word "help". Some bad experiences from episode 2 instantly went through his mind.
"Look, I'm not a romantic expert," Chrom confessed, wishing he would drop this label. "Why can't you go seek Captain Falcon, he seems like the..."
"I didn't call you for romantic advice, I called you for assistance with photo taking."
Chrom raised an eyebrow at Pit. For Pit asking him advice for taking photos almost miffed him.
"Taking photos is not that hard, it's a very simple process," explained Chrom. "All you have to do is press the button and..."
"I already know how to take photos; it's Takamaru that still has a ways to go," responded Pit. "I need some suggestions for taking embarrassing photos."
"Embarrassing photos? Why do you insist on asking me for assistance for that?"
"First reason is, you've been in some rather embarrassing situations, according to Lucina."
Chrom grimaced and shook his head. Had Lucina been younger, he would have grounded her for telling these embarrassing stories of him.
Chrom: Last night, Lucina told Luigi the story of how a dancer named Olivia fell in love with me at first sight, and how I was "enchanted" by her dancing prowess. In no way, shape, or form was I enchanted - my face got red and sweaty, and I was breathing harder than usual for no apparent reason! Must have been hyperhidrosis, I tell you...
"And the second reason is, I wanna show these pictures to Viridi to maker her think twice about falling in love with me," Pit continued.
"No way, Jose, I refuse to involve myself in your matters if romance is present," said Chrom. "Trust me, I've been in one too many romantic situations to participate in your troubles."
"Would you do it for this guy?" Pit held up Kirby in front of Chrom. The pink puffball used his cuteness to his advantage, making a sad puppy face. Imagine all the crud Pit could have gotten away with if he used Kirby like this.
"Ooh, not the sad puppy look...Fine, I shall help you, but only this once. After this, I will not involve myself in similar matters ever again."
Being the gentleman that he is, Jacky Bryant drove Mario and Akira to the supermarket. Mario really needed this ride; ever since he swerved over on a road to avoid squashing a puny snail, poor guy has been traumatized ever since!
Jacky: Glad Mario finally has the chance to ride in Wanderlust 2.0. But he looked traumatized throughout the entire ride...please don't tell me he's still frightened after that dumb snail incident.
Mario: I could-a have killed that-a poor snail! What if, the snail-a was a father, and it-a had a mate and offspring? Or-a even worse...what-a if it was a mother carrying babies?! *sobs*
Jacky dropped Mario and Akira off at the supermarket, and the plumber and the fighter entered. Once inside, Mario was immediately bombarded by people wanting to get his autograph. The perks of being a video game superstar...
"Get away from Mario!" Akira began to karate chop people in the head - regardless of age or gender - and scared them away. "You get a karate, you get a karate chop, and you get a karate chop!" He was acting very Oprah Winfrey about it, too."
"Don't hurt-a the innocent people!" Mario pleaded. He now wished he had gone shopping with someone like Lloyd instead.
"These innocent people are giving you unwanted attention!" said Akira as he continued to deliver karate chops left and right. "Someone needs to put them in their place!"
"Can't you do-a it without-a physically hurting them?"
"No pain, no gain, that's how they're gonna learn!"
"Um, sir, we must escort you out of the store..." a security guard approached Akira, only to receive a karate chop to the head. Mario fainted at the sight, unwilling to take it any longer.
Inside the mansion's recording studio - which is rarely used, by the way - Knuckles was recording some bars that would hopefully impress Mike Tyson.
Call me the leader of the pride
But I'm not the one to boast
Honeys finna play me like
How butter plays toast
I'm world champion royalty
Always wearing the crown
Reppin every single city
From Tinseltown to Beantown
Keep in mind that Knuckles is dedicating this track to Mr. Tyson himself. So far, he's making some good progress.
Viridi was in attendance, waiting for Knuckles's rap session to end.
"Whatever happened to Operation "Get Pit to Fall in Love With Me"? she asked the echidna. Her impatience grew with every bar Knuckles spat out.
"Not now, I gotta make this rap fresh for Mike Tyson!" replied Knuckles.
"Mike Tyson?" Viridi scoffed. "He doesn't live here!"
"How'th your recording coming along?" Tyson entered the recording studio, and Viridi just looked at him in shock. This HAS to a figment of her imagination!
"My rap song is nearing completion," replied Knuckles. "Gotta add a few more double entendres here and there, and it'll be absolute perfection!"
Mike Tyson: In addition to the betht rapper of hith generation, Knuckleth would be the perfect bocther. Think about it - he hath the thwag, the hotthpur, and the pathion to be great! He'th like me in animal form!
"Don't thtare at your elderth like that kid, it'th rude," Tyson said to Viridi, who was still in shock, as he made his way to the booth. He was intrigued by Knuckles's progress, and wanted to get a first-hand look at...
"It's not ready yet for looking at!" Knuckles grabbed his sheet of rhymes and shielded it away from Tyson. So much for a first-hand look.
"Okay then, I'll jutht what until you're finithhed," Tyson exited the booth and headed outside the recording studio. "Hey good lookin', what'th cookin'?" He's not trying to flirt with the female brawlers, is he?!
"Get away from me, you creep!" Rosalina's voice was heard, and sounds of somebody getting beat up were heard. Rosalina was busy showing Tyson what will happen to any offender say what he had said.
"Go get him, mama!" Luma cheered on. Think of how creepy it would sound if a guy like Wario had said that...
It was now time for Ryu to commence his workout session with Wario. The fatso was not prepared, however - he showed up at the fitness center in his usual clothes. Everyone knows you don't work out in your regular clothes! Come on, Wario, you should know better than that! Though it is Wario, maybe he shouldn't.
"Before we can begin our exercises, we must first stretch to get our body conditioned!" Ryu began to stretch his arms out. Wario just looked at him, wondering why he of all people should be did such preparations.
"Stretching is overrated, I don't need to do it!" scoffed Wario. Keep doing you Wario, with your lazy self, and you won't ever see any results anytime soon.
"Suit yourself. But if you seriously hurt yourself, don't come crying to me!"
"Like I'm gonna hurt myself because I didn't stretch! Man you make me laugh!"
Ryu: It is best to learn through experience, and apparently that is how Wario plans to learn! Trust me, I had to learn through experience myself, when I went on a date with Chun...my mother! Yes, my mother and father went on a date, and they invited me because they know how lonely I would be by myself!
"First we will begin with some sit-ups!" said Ryu. "Get down on the floor!"
Wario got down face-first on the floor. Not the correct position for doing sit-ups by any means.
"On your back, you buffoon!" Ryu yelled.
"Should have been more specific," Wario rolled over on the other side. How was Wario supposed to know what side to get on? He has never done a single exercise a day in his life!
"Step one: bend your knees, like so!" Ryu bent his knees. Should a simple thing for Wario, right? Wrong. His legs were too short, he was unable to bend any knees at all.
"I'll do with the position I'm in right now."
"Step two: place your fingertips behind your ears!" Ryu placed his hands behind his head. At least Wario is able to do this.
"Step three: pull your shoulder blades back so..."
"No way, that sounds too complex!" complained Wario, having no idea what shoulder blades are. "I thought sit-ups were supposed to be a simple procedure! Why can't I do something that's easy and painless?"
"Easy and painless? Good thing for you, I know JUST the exercise..."
The group of Falco, Fox, Ike, and the Kongs were led by Red to the arcade room, where King Dedede was raiding arcade machines for tokens with the help of some Waddle Dees. Since Pac-Man wasn't present, he thought that now would be the perfect time to commit such a crime.
King Dedede: Luigi is always put in charge of the arcade when Pac-Man has to handle his business. You won't believe the endless amount of crap we brawlers get away with when a nervous wreck like Luigi tries to be some kind of authoritarian!
Luigi: I told that darned Dedede he must stop messing with the arcade machines at once! After the sixth time I warned him, I ran out of the arcade sobbing - not even a sense of pathos due to my nervousness could beg him to stop!
"Hey gentlemen, came here to help out a king?" King Dedede asked the men as he counted his token coins. He has an absurdly giant pile of them, too - counting them will take a very, very long time.
"We were wondering if you could help us out," replied Red. "You see, we accidentally drunk up all the soda needed for the Super Bowl party - it was a chugging competition of sorts - and we were wondering if..."
"Say so more!" King Dedede placed his finger on Red's lips. "I've been in a similar situation before; I was in a chugging competition myself, and I was going up against Customer Service - and I lost. Loser had to buy drinks for the next chugging competition!
"You lost to a bunch of guys from customer service?!" Diddy Kong's eyes widened, not knowing that Customer Service is actually the NME Salesman from Nightmare Enterprises, and not the annoying bunch of people that excel at wasting customers' precious time. "Dang dude that must really suck!"
"I do believe Dedede is referring to the NME salesman," Donkey Kong explained for his nephew.
"A salesman by the name of Customer Service?! What were his parents thinking?! Those fools..."
"And your parents are fools for giving you a rapper's nickname."
Diddy Kong glared at his uncle, struck with disbelief that he would stoop that low.
"...But that's a conversation for another day."
"How about this; I can call Customer Service, and tell him to send some sodas to the mansion," King Dedede proposed to Red. "Dude's an awesome business transactor, he'll deliver just about anything in a jiffy!"
Fox: Just about anything...? In a jiffy...? That means I could purchase a new Landmaster from this Customer Service guy Dedede speaks of, and I'll be able to get it in a snap!
Falco: And I can buy my own portable trailer, and put it in the backyard of the mansion! Sweet!
Fox: Ooh can I bunk with you at this trailer?
Falco: No sir, it's meant for me, myself, and I.
Fox: So basically you're getting three rooms for yourself? Kinda greedy, don't ya think?
"Let me go call Customer Service," King Dedede went to go find a phone. "Y'all can thank me later!"
Living room decoration was coming along nicely for Zelda, and it was going better than expected. The Inklings gathered the party supplies, Villager got the colored balloons, and Proto Man got the "special entertainment". Thankfully it wasn't Dr. Eggman, who hoped to entertain the brawlers with his belly dancing.
So just who this "special entertainment" might be?
"Dance floor's gonna be mighty hot on Super Bowl night!" Jimmy T., obsessive disco dancer and employee of WarioWare, Inc., struck a pose in the living room. Zelda looked at Proto Man, wondering what prompted him to get this obsessed fanatic.
"I was running out of options, Jimmy was my impromptu choice," explained the robot. Clearly Proto Man was completely out of whatever options he had if he invited a guy like Jimmy over.
"Alright now, let's get this party started! Where's all my party people at?"
"The Super Bowl isn't until tomorrow," explained Zelda. "We had to get you on early notice in the event complications arise."
Jimmy T.: What's so hard about waiting until the day of the big game? Being at this mansion is cutting into my precious time! How am I supposed to dry clean my thongs now?!
"Zelda, I'm here!" Link ran up to the princess of Hyrule, carrying wall graphics of football players in his hands, and handed them to her. Wall graphics is very hard work - you have to find a picture online, and use the graphic printer in the printing room to print out the wall graphics. It's a very hit-or-miss thing.
"Hmm..." Zelda shuffled through the wall graphics, until she encountered a major hiccup. "What is this doing here?" the princess held up a wall graphic of Mike Tyson, back in his boxing days. If it was a boxing party, a Tyson graphic would be fine, but during the Super Bowl, it's very out of place.
"Haven't seen that until now. Little Mac was in the printing room at the time, maybe he printed that graphic out."
"Hand over my gloriuth wall graphic thith instthant, young lady!"
Mike Tyson quickly approached Zelda and snatched the wall graphic of himself away.
"Why do you look so familiar?" asked Zelda. Another brawler unfamiliar with Tyson. Of course the former boxer was ticked.
"Girl you ith royalty, you thhould know who I am!" frowned Tyson. "I'm the great Mike Tython, betht boxer of any era!"
"Bowser has always said that you were trash and terrible," remarked Link. Dude better shut up, lest he wants Tyson to knock him out cold.
"King Bowther hath no room to talk! When wath the latht time he defeated Mario?"
A tough question like this took Link a long time to think. Not even Zelda, Proto Man, nor Jimmy T. know the answer - and perhaps nobody else does.
"That'th right, he never did! Why, I'd love to thee that punk lother try to..."
"You mean THIS punk loser?"
In came Bowser, who had his arms crossed. Some hands were about to be thrown.
"Hey, Bowther, buddy, how'th it going?" grinned Tyson, trying to get on the Koopa King's good side. But that didn't do any good.
"I came here for my student," Bowser redirected his attention to Zelda. "Is he finished?"
Bowser: Class with only Shulk is simply too boring for me. I need Link back so I can divvy up the fallacies!
"Link is not done, nor will he ever be," replied Zelda. "He's staying with me for the rest of the day."
"Rest of the day, huh?" Jimmy T., stroked his chin, believing that Link and Zelda have something romantic planned. "How about tonight, I can make this living room...a dance floor of love?"
"Shut up, afro dude, how dare you take the attention away from me!" frowned Bowser. Had Jimmy T. lived at the mansion, he would be subject to Bowser's pranking. But Bowser is now forbidden to prank any longer, so it's all good. "Now, Mike Tyson, you better scram if you know what's good for you!"
"Make me," Tyson walked towards Bowser, and Bowser marched towards Tyson. The two were in each other's grill - and it's definitely not the outdoor cooking kind. You could cut the tension in the living room with a knife...if it were possible to do so.
"Well I don't know about you guys...but I could go for some more decorating," Proto Man smiled nervously. He was nervous because at any moment, either Bowser or Tyson could snap on one another, resulting in an all-out brawl.
"Tyson I thought you said we were gonna have our boxing training?" Little Mac called out. "Where are you man?"
"Better thtay out of my thight, if you know what'th good for you..." Tyson glared down Bowser as he exited the living room.
"Likewise, pal..." Bowser glared back at Tyson, like that's gonna accomplish anything. "...Can I please have my student back now?" The Koopa King asked Zelda once more.
"I told you, he's staying with me for the rest of the day!" frowned Zelda. No way was she letting Link return to Bowser's teachings.
"So that means I can have him at midnight? Sounds like a good plan!"
Bowser departed from the living room, and Jimmy T. took his wig off - exposing his bald head - taking any lint out of it. His bald head was so shiny, it gave off a bright light that got in the eyes of Zelda and Link.
"Put your wig back on!" Zelda shielded her eyes.
"I think I'm going blind!" Link did the same.
"Losers," Proto Man chuckled. His visor blocked Jimmy T.'s "bald rays", so he was left unaffected.
Samus: Finally finished John Marston's book, and now it's time to apply what I learn to my bounty hunting prowess. In Chapter 9 of the book, Marston said that you should glare down your prey intently, until they crack...
Mario, Akira, and Jacky returned to the mansion, carrying shopping bags in their hands. They placed the shopping bags in the kitchen, and took the stuff out.
"I'm-a never shopping with-a you again," Mario said to Akira as he took out the groceries. The shopping trip was very hectic; aside from karate chopping innocent people, Akira ate up all the samples, and defecated in the dairy section "because the restrooms were of poor quality". Due to Akira's actions, he and Mario were banned from the supermarket. Very inconvenient for Mario, since he takes care of Peach's shopping at that supermarket. Somebody better tell him that there are other stores within the vicinity of the mansion.
"We managed to get the snacks for the Super Bowl party, and that is what matters the most!" said Jacky, looking on the bright side of things. High risk comes high reward, sort of.
"Um, guys..." Akira motioned Mario and Jacky to Samus, who was glaring at them down intently. It was one of those glares that makes you wet your pants if you look at it for a prolonged period of time.
"I don't-a know why you're-a looking at us like-a that..." Mario shivered, unnerved by Samus's blue eyes. "...but I'm-a not single!"
"Yeah, Mario's right, he's totally single!" Jacky nodded very fast - a common trait of people feeling intimidated. "Take your chances on me!"
Samus narrowed her eyes even more, and the three men huddled together in fear. Captain Falcon, who saw this from afar while drinking his coffee, shook his head as he walked away. He was never afraid of Samus, unless she threatened her manhood.
Captain Falcon: Samus is one smoking hot mama...Her glare penetrates even the most serious men, and brings them down to the ground! Though I can't help but sense that her glare has a little more...pizzazz in it, so to speak. It must be that book she's reading...I probably should read some of it, it might improve my flirting skills...
"We give up! We give up!" Akira fell on his knees and bowed down in front of Samus. "You have our mercy!"
"My work here is done," Samus left the kitchen room, and Peach entered, seeing Jacky huddled against the wall, Akira sobbing on his knees, and Mario in a fetal position. How can Mario call himself the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom in a position like this?
"Mario why are you like this?" asked Peach, concerned about her love.
"Oh, Peach, it's-a terrible!" wailed Mario. "Samus glared at-a us, and made-a us wet our pants! She-a intimidated us!"
"Our pants?" Jacky questioned. "My pants aren't soiled..."
"Neither are mine," added Akira, still sobbing. Which makes Mario the only dude to have an accident...he can't call himself the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom now. The distinction should be passed down to Luigi...but he wets himself out of nervousness on a weekly basis, so the Mushroom Kingdom is essentially screwed.
"Silly Mario, the only things Samus intimidates are metroids, Captain Falcon, and Wario!" smiled Peach. Did she just call Falcon and Wario things? To be fair, Falcon looks like a normal human being, but Wario...who knows what he is.
Samus: Chapter 13 states that a great bounty hunter must utilize deception to fool their enemies. Wario and Captain Falcon would be too easy for to deceive, so instead I've decided to dupe a very gullible angel...
Chrom was in the mansion hallways, taking embarrasing pictures of Pit. Such pictures consisted of Pit urinating in a vase, wearing a bra in front of a mirror, and getting wedgied by Kirby. From the looks of it, the angel is trying way too hard.
"These pictures are supposed to make Viridi to dislike you because...?" Chrom asked as he a snapped a picture of Pit holding Kirby under his toga, like he was pregnant or something. What in the name of...
"Once Viridi sees the pictures, she will think I'm a dummy, and she'll never fall in love again!"
"You're already a dummy to begin with." Indeed, Chrom was right; Pit is the Spongebob Squarepants of the Nintendo universe, and by association, Kirby is Patrick Star - but without the lack of intelligence.
Chrom: I know I might be in the minority, but Pit and Viridi would make for the perfect couple. Viridi is the only person in the mansion aside from Palutena that can make Pit somewhat more smarter...I am using correct grammar, right?
"Hey Chrom," Samus tapped Chrom on the shoulder, scaring the swordsman right out of his pants.
"If it's ordering pizza that you want, then think again," said Chrom. Samus is still in charge of ordering pizza, and she ordered pizza earlier today - and showed the delivery boy the back way of the mansion so he won't have to deal with Wario.
"Olivia is making her way to the mansion tomorrow morning." Chrom panted at the very mention of Olivia, and tried to keep his cool; those dance moves she exhibited before him were bringing back some terrible memories. "To show her how handsome you are, you gotta look handsome!"
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"By taking pictures, of course! Hand me the camera, please!"
"Don't do it Chrom, it's a trap!" pleaded Pit, who was planning to "give birth" to Kirby, as part of his next embarrassing picture. Who knows what Viridi sees in that boy.
But it was too late. Chrom handed over the camera to Samus - who turned the flash on to the brightest level. Chrom is gonna regret this...
"Strike a pose!" ordered Samus. Chrom looked in the distance and pointed, with his other hand on his hip. Samus pressed the snap button, and the camera emitted a bright flash which blinded Chrom. The swordsman fell to the floor, holding his eyes in pain, as Samus ran away with the camera.
"She took our camera!" frowned Pit. "You okay, Chrom?"
"This is why...meddling with your affairs...was a bad idea," Chrom replied, struggling to get up. Samus had got him good.
Samus: Chapter 20 talks about having great listening skills; you must possess an attentive hearing ability in order to know your enemy's every movement. Time to do a little eavesdropping...
Samus was lying on the wall outside of the vending machine room, where King Dedede was on the phone with customer service. The king sure spends a lot of his time in the vending machine room; he would make the room his new abode, but his greed would disallow him to do so. That greedy numskull could scarf the snacks down his gigantic mouth if he wanted to.
"How may I help you, Dedede?" Customer Service asked on the phone. He's King Dedede's most loyal - and presumably only - customer.
"Some dudes drunk up all the soda for the Super Bowl as part of their chugging competition, and I need you to deliver the sodas right away!" explained King Dedede. "Otherwise they're gonna land themselves in a heap of trouble!"
"Serves them right, everyone knows me and you are the kings of chugging! Those bums are trying to take our shine! But don't worry, when I deliver those sodas, I'll make sure I give the dudes a nifty gift..."
"And just what might this gift be?"
"Let's just say it has much ado...with a certain football legend."
"Who are you talking to?" Samus went inside the vending machine room, having heard enough from the phone conversation.
"Nobody important, just my business partner," King Dedede gave a cheesy grin.
"Yeah what he said!" Customer Service followed up on Dedede. What if Samus told Peach that all the soda was consumed?
"Alright then," Samus left the room, and King Dedede let out a sigh of relief. He saved Red and the guys big time.
As she made her way through the hallways, Samus was approached by Sheik. Whenever Sheik is present, some serious stuff is going on.
"Who were you speaking to in the vending machine room?" the ninja asked Samus.
"King Dedede," responded the bounty hunter. "He was on the phone with some guy. Ordered some soda to bring to the mansion."
"I take it all the sodas were consumed?"
"Dedede alluded to that in the call."
"Interesting...the drinks were missing, and Peach was complaining about how Red never gave the sodas to her, even though he promised to do so. I've spent most of my time looking for him and anyone else involved."
Sheik: Out of all the Super Bowl food and supplies, drinks are the only thing missing. And it seems King Dedede has placed an order for the soda. I must show Peach when someone receives the order at the front door to show her how Red has fooled her.
Since Wario refused to do sit-ups, push-ups, and the like apparently because they sounded too complicated to him, Ryu had the fatso run on a treadmill. Needless to say, everyone at the fitness center was shocked! Who knew Wario was capable of running like he was in a marathon?
"Woah, Wario, you're running just as fast as I am!" remarked Sonic. "And I thought no one runs in your family!"
"Why if I wasn't on this dumb treadmill, I would strangle you to bits!" Wario raged. Apparently exercising couldn't soothe his anger.
"Strangle me to bits? Is that even possible? What a schlub..."
Sonic walked away, and Wario's face turned red with rage.
Sonic: Even if Wario loses a couple of pounds, he still won't get the ladies! It'll take more than just weight loss; he has to give himself an entire makeover with his ugly face! I bet Medusa would turn to stone at the very sight of him!
"Keep up the good work, young cricket, and you'll be slimmer in no time!" said Ryu. Why is he calling Wario a young cricket when he's a middle-aged man-thing?
Suddenly the doorbell rang. Wario stopped the treadmill immediately, and Ryu didn't like it one bit.
"You have no authority to stop the treadmill without my authority!" scolded Ryu. Luigi really could use the authority Ryu has.
"Pizza's here!" Wario jumped off the treadmill and ran out of the fitness center. It was perhaps the fastest he would run; either the treadmill helped out, or he really wants that pizza - the pizza that was already delivered. Villager hid the pizza in a secret place where Wario would never find it. Ryu ran after the fatso, hoping to catch him in time.
Knuckles continued to spit out some bars for Mike Tyson, and Viridi continued to nap in the recording studio until Knuckles was finished. The echidna was almost finished...
I'm as real as real gets
So why you frontin' girl?
Not violent by any means
I spread peace like Metta World
They say I'm a man of misery
But I ain't no Pandora's Box
Greatest of all Time? Yup, that's me
And this is where the mic drops
"All done?" Mike Tyson entered the recording studio.
"Perfect timing!" grinned knuckles. His masterpiece was finally complete. "Get ready to hear some awesome bars!"
"How is San Francisco?" Little Mac was on the phone with his trainer, Doc Louis. Since Tyson is preoccupied with Knuckles. the young boxer thought that now would be the time to contact his mentor.
"San Fran is the best, lots of sunshine, great people, and the weather is perfect!" replied Doc. Mac could tell that he was quite enjoying himself. "So how's life without your best buddy?"
"Eh, could be much better. But at least Mike Tyson is here to fill the void."
Deaf silence on the phone. Little Mac anticipated himself for what might transpire next.
"What business does that man have to be at the mansion?!" Doc Louis went off. He hasn't went off ever since he put poor Lucas on blast for thinking his mustache was fake.
"You left a note on the door..." Little Mac nervously explained. "It said that you found someone to take your place..."
"I did not leave such note! Boy you should know that I don't like writing notes! Tyson must have sneaked his way in without being noticed!"
"Nobody ever sneaked their way inside the mansion, unless..."
Then it came to Little Mac. Earlier today, when the pizza delivery boy came, Roy had instructed him to go through the backdoor, so Wario wouldn't harass him. Tyson might have gotten inside the mansion through the backdoor while it was still open!
Little Mac: Tyson make think he's some kind of ninja...but once he gets through me...he'll be crying like a baby...AUGH, CRAMP! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! *cries loudly*
"Hello? Mac, you there?" asked Doc. Little Mac was in a trance, but a good trance - he was thinking of a way to get back at Tyson. Wario ran past the young boxer, with Ryu high on his heels.
"It's not what you think, Wario!" King Dedede was heard running after Wario as well. "No pizza has been ordered! And besides, it's only for Red! A special gift is entailed!"
The mention of the "special gift" got Little Mac thinking...
Cloud answered the front door, and saw Knuckle Joe, with a pile of soda boxes, tapping his foot impatiently. Despite all the people that resided in the mansion, it only took one brawler to answer the door. A bunch of slack, lazy fighters living here...
"About time you answered the door!" frowned Knuckle Joe. "I was waiting forever!"
"Yeah, yeah, that's good," responded Cloud, being apathetic and uncaring as usual. Not a surprise in the slightest. "Just put those boxes somewhere in the foyer."
So Knuckle Joe grabbed a couple of soda boxes and placed them on a table in the foyer. Sheik and Peach arrived, with Sheik showing the princess of Mushroom Kingdom what was going on.
"See, Peach?" the ninja pointed at Knuckle Joe, doing his thing. "Did Red not say that he would deliver the sodas?"
"He did..." replied Peach, before getting angry all of a sudden. "He played me like a fiddle! Once I have my hands on him..."
Peach: This isn't the first time Red has done this to me, mind you. I remember this one instance promised to get me a truck, and I thought, why not? Driving in a truck would be a new experience for me. But when Red brought the truck that day, and Mario tried to rev up the engine for me, nothing seemed to happen. Turns out the truck was cosmetic and nonfunctional, and Red needed to lend it to someone because it was "taking up too much space" at Vermilion City! What space?! It's practically the smallest city in the Kanto region!
"Looks like my work here is done," Sheik said as she reverted back to Zelda. Samus approached the two ladies, camera in hand.
"Check this out..." Samus showed them the pictures of Pit, and the princesses looked in horror. The picture of Pit holding Kirby under his toga is what unnerved them the most; he had to be an idiotic fool to think of taking such a picture. But he's already an idiotic fool, so it makes sense.
"What convinced him to take these pictures?!" Zelda just looked in shock. Some of the pictures were so questionable and even inappropriate, they cannot be described in any detail.
"Give us back our camera!" Pit ran up to Samus and tried to pry the camera out of her hands.
"'Our camera'?" Samus scoffed. "Doesn't this belong to Wario?"
"Or so you may have thought; he gave up his camera because when he takes pictures of himself, his weight takes up the entire frame!" Well at least you tried Pit, at least you tried.
"Hey, what's in that box?" Cloud directed Knuckle Joe to a tall box, which was standing outside.
"It's a 'gift' for a certain Pokemon trainer and his friends," sneered Knuckle Joe. Judging by his sneering, whatever is in that box must be very threatening...
"Did you say Pokemon trainer?" Red appeared, and Ike was with him, in the event the Pokemon trainer gets jumped by Peach or something. Red's idea, not Ike's.
"Red, we need to speak right now!" Peach scolded Red. The trainer tried to escape, but Ike grabbed him in the nick of time.
"No point in running, just take your L with dignity," the swordsman said to Red. Time for Red to pay the consequence.
"Don't waste your time with that boy," said Knuckle Joe, walking towards the tall box and carrying it inside. "Let this guy handle it..."
Joe opened the front lid of the box...and you won't believe you came out of it.
"P-P-Peyton Manning?!" Ike stammered, in awe of the legendary quarterback. "This HAS to be a robot!"
"Nope, you're looking at the real deal," smirked Peyton. It was truly him - the hair, the giant forehead, and even his arm could not be mistaken. To have a guy like Peyton Manning in the Smash Mansion...where the heck is Mario?!
"I keep-a telling you, the Panthers are-a going to..." the famed plumber was discussing with Link and Jimmy T. as he entered the foyer. At the very sight of Peyton Manning, Mario gasped went to touch Manning, just making sure he wasn't seeing things.
"I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped," said Peyton. Mario stopped touching him immediately; he no longer had a reason to, since he knows he's actually in the same room with the great Manning.
Mario: My hands-a are shaking...I actually touched-a Peyton Manning...I'm-a never washing these-a gloves ever again!
"You're Peyton Manning, right?" Link approached Peyton. "Bowser says that you're one of the worst players to ever grace an NFL uniform!"
"And you must be Link, the worst hero to be arrested by the fashion police," responded Peyton. The others laughed at the quarterback's snarky remark. "Who are you supposed to be, some crappy jester from a ghetto kingdom?"
"Aw man, he got you good!" jeered Pit.
"Like you're the one to talk, kid...but we all know you're not that bright. Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid."
"Where's the pizza? Hope there's hot wings..." Wario arrived at the foyer, and took notice of Peyton Manning. "What business do you have here? Aren't you supposed to be in San Francisco?! Did you eat my precious hot wings?!"
"That's no way to talk to a sports legend, you ugly fiend! In fact, you're so ugly, you probably got incarcerated for mooning the public!"
More laughter ensued as Wario blushed. Believe it or not, Wario did go to jail for his ugly face, and nobody bothered to pay for his bail.
Then came Ryu. What insult does Peyton possibly have for him?
"Hey Ryu," greeted Peyton, starting off a little easy... "I've always wondered about your age. I would ask you how old you are, but I bet $50 bucks you can't count that high." ...and ends it with a burn.
"Au contraire, I'm the best counter this mansion has ever seen!" proclaimed Ryu. "Just watch! One...two...three..." Awkward silence followed afterwards. "I'll just leave my cash on the counter." Ryu placed his 50 bucks on the counter and left, just when Little Mac arrived.
"No way!" the boxer exclaimed when he saw Peyton. "Oh man, this is gonna be epic!"
"What's gonna be epic?" wondered Peyton.
"Just come with me please...somebody wants to see you."
"For what reason?"
"Just a little payback..."
Little Mac and Peyton were in the paddling room (why does this room even exist in the first place?!) and were paddling away on Tyson and Red, respectively. The two were lying flat on their stomachs, with their butts paddled.
"Coming up with this room was such a good idea!" remarked the Black Knight, who apparently runs the paddling room, with Young Link as his aide.
Black Knight: Punishment has become a lost art of American culture. But with innovations like the paddling room, parents can paddle their disobedient and unruly children in the comfort of their own homes!
Young Link: Most parents already do that though.
Black Knight: Oh, but you're missing the point, young child, they can do it in a separate room, and not places like the kitchen, or the living room, and the like!
Young Link: You were never loved as a child, were you?
Black Knight...Don't mention it.
"This is for-a sneaking inside the mansion without-a consent!" Mario, who was also in the room, pied Tyson in the face with some blueberry pie.
"And this is for playing with Peach!" Young Link, also in the room as well, pied Red with some peach pie. Because why not?
"I didn't play with her, my master plan fell through!" responded Red. He would not have been in this situation, had he answered the front door, but his vigorous Pokemon training held him up.
Tyson and Red weren't the only ones getting paddled. Wario was paddled by Ryu for ending his exercising on an early note.
"You shall be forever doomed to be a fatty for the rest of your life!" Ryu proclaimed as he paddled Wario's behind.
"Eh, I can live with that," Wario shrugged.
Next to Wario was Pit, who was being paddled by Viridi...out of love. Awwww, how sweet...
"I'm only doing this because I love you!" Viridi smiled, kissing Pit on the cheek.
"Aw man, now I got the cooties!" panicked Pit. He has nothing to worry about, since cooties are a childhood disease made up by silly kindergartners. But let's let him believe what he wants to.
"Yo, Manning, you done yet?" Knuckle Joe poked his head through the padding room door and asked Peyton. "You got a big game tomorrow, and Nightmare Inc. has to teleport you back to San Fran right away.
"A few more minutes, and I'll be done," Peyton replied, continuing his paddling. Can't stop the G.O.A.T.