CONRAD

„Movie nights here were always superior." She said, not looking at me, but at the wall to which she was dedicating all of her concentration.

„You barely made it to the end of the movies." I teased her.

„And you would literally hide from Jere and Steven so they wouldn't catch you watching movies with us girls." She gave me a very quick glance. It was enough though, enough to leave me in awe of her again.

„I would never hear the end of it." I chuckled, and she smiled. Everything disappeared, everything always disappears when she smiles.

„You never let people see your soft side." Not sure wether she was joking about it or not, I went with it.

„Who says I have a soft side?"

„I've seen it." She looked down, her voice was so tender, soft. She could talk me to sleep like this.

I wondered if it hurt her the same, if it hurt her to think about the moments we've shared. Quite frankly, I've given my very best to not think about it, but it imprinted all over my brain. Small polaroids I captured in my mind: of her lying next to me on Valentine's Day, of her pushing up her nerd glasses when we were studying for her trigonometry test, of her dancing in the kitchen, of her hands on my bare chest as we made love in front of this very fireplace. Sometimes the pictures would combine, a kaleidoscope of memories, so distant yet still right in front of me.

„Well… Jere and Steven would give me a crap about that too." We both laughed, a bittersweet undertone.

„Sometimes, I think all I have is a soft side." She said, almost whispered after a while. It hurt me to hear that.

„That's not true, Belly." I turned to her.

„But it is. I never want to hurt anyone."

„There is strength in that." Convincing her would be hard, I knew that.

„Not if it means I don't fight to not hurt myself." The fact that she was being this honest and open to me honoured me; it meant something.

„I want to fight for nothing to hurt you again." A shaky, risky move. This response wasn't well thought out, which makes it honest.

„You hurt me the most."

If on a scale from one to ten, ten being the worst, having your head smashed against the wall was a ten, having her say this was a twelve.

We stood still, the world still moved, nothing changed, but we stood still. I knew I hurt her, and she knew she hurt me just now. She didn't feel sorry though, she shouldn't. I deserved to feel like this, she didn't. She was nothing but there for me, the light of every day and the safest thought in my brain. All she wanted was one night, for me to bring that fucking corsage and to dance with her. She just wanted to dance with me, and I couldn't even give her that.

„I hate that I did." I could barely say it out loud.

„Don't regret what we had." Her voice was unsteady, on the verge of breaking any second. Her eyes were watering up, but she still took a step towards me. My brave girl.

„I don't" I couldn't keep my stare from her. It was a mystery, something so sad being so beautiful. I wish she could see herself through my eyes, she would never doubt herself again.

„And I know you don't either." It was all over, the feeling of helplessness. It got stronger when we saw Jeremiah standing in the centre of the living room.

The air got colder when she stepped away from me. Not because I was disappointed, I couldn't have expected anything more. She was still his girlfriend, I was jealous, again. Her feelings towards him were secure enough for her to want to prove her loyalties to him. It was of big importance to her to show him she wanted to be away from me.

Now that… that was a fifteen.

I left the room, not for him, and he and I both knew he didn't deserve to stand there with her. He knew what he did, he knew what he said. I left the room because she needed me to. She needed to not have to look at me, and I left.

Laurel couldn't have heard any part of our conversation, and she didn't need to ask me to know what was going on. She handed me the silverware to polish, and it felt good to keep my hands and mind busy. I needed both of them to not wander to her.

It felt good putting things back in place, easing the pain of my mom not being there by handling her things with care and sorting them the way she would. This place wasn't special, nothing here had any real value. It was her. It was her patience, her dedication, her love and spirit that made this place special. It was her that gave this house life. It was difficult to think about her and not wonder what kind of advice she would give me, especially considering she was the first to see just how real my feelings towards Belly were. She saw us, the morning my hands were fighting the urge to ever let her go. She loved that it was me, that it was her. She loved that it was us. My mom knew I needed Belly, she knew how good she was for me. It would break her heart just the same if she would see us now.

„I think I need some fresh air." I heard her say, loudly, on purpose. Bullshit.

I didn't even notice I let go of the silver serving plate until it landed loudly on the kitchen floor. And I also didn't notice how loudly I slammed the door shut behind me as I followed her until the loud crash echoed through the air.

She was almost running towards the beach, not caring to look around as she nearly crashed against a fence on her way there. The small bruises on her legs seemed to be a permanent accessory, reminding me always that she was the same girl I've loved for so many years.

Our height difference gave me the advantage of catching up to her rather quickly.

„Belly." I yelled after her. She wasn't surprised I followed her, she expected it. She however, didn't turn around, instead she continued running away.

The beach was her happy place, she loved being near the water, she also knew it was the place I would always go to calm down.

„Belly, please." I caught up to her and she turned around.

She was crying.

This was a twenty.

„Talk to me." I said, taking a step closer to her. Her hair clung to her face and in her desperate, and unsuccessful attempts to move it, she at least successfully managed to wipe her tears away.

„No, Conrad, you fucking talk to me." She was so nervous, she started to pace around. I took a step back to try to catch what she wanted me to say.

„What are y-" I began, but she cut me off, pacing back and forth in front of me.

„Talk to me about what you are doing." She gesticulated and nervously mumbled

„Talk to me about what you want from me. You know I'm with Jere."

„I also know you still have feelings for me." I didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it did.

„That is not the point." She was fully yelling at this point.

„That is exactly the point, Belly" This pissed her off, she walked towards me.

„Fine, so I still have feelings for you. What good did that ever bring me?" She didn't really expect an answer to that, instead, she continued.

„You loved me so beautifully." Her voice finally cracked and she let her guard down. Tears started streaming down her face.

„But you… you walked away from that the second it got hard, the second I needed to you to be strong for us." She was right, she was angry, as she should be.

„Belly, I-" I pleaded

„Don't ‚Belly' me!" She screamed out. Not once did I take an offence to her tone, I deserved it.

„I will never forget how you made me feel at prom" She wanted to wipe her tear away, but she was too slow, it already strolled down her red cheek.

„I will never forget how you made me feel at the funeral." When she looked away, I could see her shiver for a second, not because she was cold, but because she was angry. Not even the ocean could calm her down right now.

„But worst than that Conrad—" She turned to me again.

„I will never forget how you made me feel when we kissed" she bit her lip. „or when we talked for hours or when you made laugh" Her lips were pounding, fighting back the feelings and tears, and I wasn't doing any better.

„I hate you for making that our past." Seeing her take a step back this time, hurt more than ever.

It felt like someone was choking me. I wanted to speak, I wanted to show her how she still meant the world to me, but even if I weren't lost for words, I still wouldn't be able to speak.

„Why am I always surprised? This has always been you. You never lied about that." She never once looked at me like this, she despised this side of me, which made me despise it too.

She turned around, wanting to walk away from me, tearing a piece of my heart and carrying it with her.

„Belly, I love you." I yelled out after her, and she stopped in her tracks.

„I love you, and that's all I know." She turned around, and I it has never been this hard for me to catch a breath. It hurt her too. She looked away in efforts to hide it, but I knew her, this was torture. I walked up to where she was standing and took her hand. Of course, it was warm, her hand felt like home.

„Did you… Did you say this to make me break up with Jere?" She looked up at me, nothing could ever make her not beautiful, not the tears, not the redness in her cheeks, not the wind in her hair, nothing could ever make her less than beautiful.

„No, I said it because I need you to know that." She led her hand towards my cheek, warming it up.

„And because… I'm really bad at hiding it." All of this was worth it, as it made her let out this beautiful, tiny laugh, I was done for.

„Yes, you are" She giggled still and though it was weak, it made the sun escape the clouds, and the whole mood changed.

„I don't need you to say anything, I really just wanted you to know."

She caressed my cheek and I closed my eyes for a moment too long. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me, for now. She now knew I loved her and how real it had always been for me, and that was enough to get me through this day.

Nothing was certain, but this moment was ours. She leaned her body against mine, and I wrapped my arms around her.

I understood what it meant, I knew this was a crucial part of getting her to understand that I was in it for the long run. Staying patient felt like slowly and patiently waiting to feel the most devastating heartbreak all over again, but for her, for holding her like this, it was worth it to me.

We didn't walk back to the house immediately. Instead, we sat down on the beach and she never let go of my hand. It was a small gesture, but I cherished that hand, her small hand that somehow still fit perfectly into mine.

„The ocean reminds me of you." She looked over to me, her tears dried and the sunset was giving her skin a warm, golden glow. She couldn't possibly get any more gorgeous, but then she moved her hair away from her face and she reminded me that she did indeed get more gorgeous every minute.

„The ocean reminds me of you." I replied to her, and she looked at me confused.

„You love the ocean, you look so free just standing in front of it." I added, and she smiled sweetly.

„So do you. You're a different version of yourself when we're on the beach." She said and I looked at her questioning her statement, so she elaborated.

„You're so calm, no matter what happens in life, ocean brings you back."

„Life takes from me, the ocean brings it back to me." I said and she nodded, understanding exactly what I meant.

„What did your letter say?" She asked me out of the blue. I knew instantly she meant the letter my mom left for me before she died. The day Laurel gave me the letter, I waited to be fully alone to read it. It felt like it had to be just me and her.

„What did yours say?" She understood the subliminal message.

„That I was her special girl." She looked down shyly.

„That's true, out of the four of us… I think you were indeed her favourite." I chuckled, she reciprocated.

„Well… I was the only one that didn't participate in your burping contests." She raised an eyebrow, and I reminisced about my mom scolding us for being disgusting, what I would do now to hear her scold us once more.

We talked like we didn't just fall apart and back together in front of each other. We were good at being good together. She made it easy to feel like there was nothing to worry. She often did that when my mom was dying. She was the only one I wanted to comfort me, not only because she was the only one who would know how, but also because she was the only one that had any kind of irrational effect on me.

She stood up and brushed the sand off, I followed her lead.

„Conrad?" She turned around, making me stop in my tracks.

„Yes?"

„You were her special guy." The sun never warmed me like she did.

I walked behind her and opened the door for her to enter the house. The stare Belly received from Jere wasn't fair, nor was it justified, she didn't do anything.

Steven suggested we grab a beer and sit outside for a while. He was also the only one to notice how tense I got watching Belly hold Jere's hand. I needed to loosen up, and relax, trust the process for once and not mentally destroy myself by think I'm starting from the beginning again.

I applauded Steven for sitting between the two of them, but I would never reveal the smile that I was hiding. I sat down next to her, she smiled at that. I wasn't at the beginning again.

„I can't imagine spending my summers anywhere else in the world." She broke the silence, and I couldn't agree more.

„Me neither, I want to spent all of my summers here." I said, not very loudly, I must admit, but it came straight from the heart.

„To the summer kids."Steven raised his beer and we all clung our bottles. It was an unbreakable bond we shared.

„I hope you guys know, this will always be your house." Belly said, and I couldn't help my smile this time.

„We know, Bells." Jeremiah replied. Belly looked breathtaking under the moonlight. Her natural beauty would shine under any light, to be fair. Her eyes were her most beautiful feature, I could watch them forever.

I always loved spending time with them. We were laughing and cracking jokes, everything felt completely normal for a moment.

We decided to head back inside and go to bed, as we were going to have a long day of renovations tomorrow. Steven even yawned, while I didn't feel tired at all. It was a long day, but I could sit on the beach with them for several more hours.

Steven and Jere were up the stairs first, and Belly and I followed closely behind. She suddenly took my hand so none of the others would notice and gave it a little squeeze, I turned to her and embraced the idea that she simply wanted to hold my hand, but instead, she wanted me to be close so she could whisper to me.

„Can we meet in my room later?" She whispered when Jere and Steven were at the top of the stairs, she saw that they were talking about something else so she used it to talk to me somewhat private.

I simply nodded and let go of her hand to head to my own room to get ready. I went into the bathroom last and savoured the moment of silence and solitude. This whole situation was fucking me up in a way I wasn't used to. I mean, fighting for Belly's attention wasn't a habit I wanted to pick up in the first place, especially not if the only other contender was my own brother. It was, however, something I wasn't going to let go just because the odds weren't in my favour.

I loved her. I loved everything about her. It was poised and it was glowing in the dark, and never have I thought that I could love her more, but here I was, sneaking into her room, because she just asked me to. I should be embarrassed by how small the list of things that I wouldn't do for her is. The funny thing is, that didn't make me weak, loving her grew me strong.

Seeing her sitting on her mattress was weird. Her room was usually filled with all of her memories, and even if she was only here three months a year, she still always managed to make this place her own.

„You know, Junior Mint is choking somewhere inside of these boxes." I said, and she quickly turned around and giggled.

She had freshly done her face routine, or ritual, or whatever you call it. Her hair was still wet from the shower, and the serum thing she applied on her face made it glow, she looked like she just went for a swim.

„I'll make sure to rescue him, first thing tomorrow." She stood up, and walked over to me.

„Oh, you better, or else, he might—"

„Thank you." She said, out of the blue.

„For what?" I asked, confused.

„You were so good to me today, I don't deserve it." It was hard for her to say this, I noticed right away, she could barely look at me.

„What do you mean?"

„I don't want you to think I'm playing with your feelings." She said, rather nervously.

I raised an eyebrow. It had never crossed my mind that she might be playing with my feelings. She was always very clear who she was with. I just didn't agree with her choices. She never hid the fact that she was in love with him, there was nothing to be mad about, disappointed at best.

„And I'm sorry but—"

„Belly, don't, it's—"

„No, please let me apologise." She started crying, it was awfully hurtful to see that again. „Because, I'm not choosing you, Conrad. I can't"

It hurt in places in my heart that I thought were dead. But this, this is who we were, who we always were. I couldn't live without her, even at the cost of it hurting this much. I knew I needed her to choose me, just this once more.

„Come back to me." I pleaded, there was nothing else left.

„We can't even spend a day without messing things up" Her voice was cracking, it sent chills down my spine. She took a step towards me, probably unwillingly, by this point in time, it was probably muscle memory.

„My day wasn't messed up." I looked at her, remembering our perfect day in New York. I knew she didn't mean this; she was looking for reasons to push me away, to make it easier.

„I can't do this anymore."

„Tell me to leave you alone then." I said, and she froze. Every fibre of my being was busy holding things together, holding myself in place. To not kiss her, to not grab her waist, to not throw her over my fucking shoulder and carry her to that damn fireplace again.

She wanted to. She wanted to say it. She wanted that shortcut.

„But I don't want to… I don't ever want to." I wiped tears away for her face with my thumbs as I gently took her face in my hands, she took a hold of my hands and looked down.

„Come back to me." I whispered to her, her soft cheeks were so warm.

Silence filled the air as she closed her eyes to stop herself from crying any more.

„Conrad, I don't know who I am when I'm not in love with you, and I'm not sure I will ever find out." She finally looked up at me before continuing.

„But, I'm not ready to get my heart broken by you again."

This was a twenty-five.

I wasn't in control of myself, my hands felt numb and I couldn't breathe the way I wanted to. Everything was controlled by grief. Losing her without even having her was the worst kind of devastation.

I took several steps back, towards the door. She stood still, watching me leave, we were both crying and my life didn't feel like my life, it didn't feel like reality. Her making this permanent made all of it feel like a bad dream.

Closing the door behind me snapped me back to reality. I wish I could tell you a braver story, a story where I wasn't crying, where I would see this as an opportunity to meet someone more compatible in Stanford. I wish I could tell you I never even loved her that much or that my brother was the right match for her. But it is what it is, and fuck what it was, right?

A/N: I'm so sorry this took so long, but I rewrote the last part like 7 times. It broke my own heart breaking theirs like this. I hope you enjoyed it, please let me know what you think.