Getting on the double-decker bus, Randy yells at the racist shrunken head, "Last time on Survivor, bitch!"
"The Ravenclaw ladies were still licking old wounds," a clip of Cho and Hermione arguing as the waves eclipse their shelter.
"Harry found out Hagrid's AFAB secret, and this solidified their alliance." Randy narrates.
"At the immunity challenge, the wizards had to deal with screaming plants and a puzzle. Ravenclaw and Slytherin both redeemed themselves by sending Gryffindor and Hufflepuff to their first tribal council."
"On Hufflepuffle, Trelawney did some divination and found out she was getting voted out. She tried her best not to fuck it up."
Randy stumbles as the bus swerves into oncoming traffic, "the Weasley's were targeted for being blood-related, but all the cross tribal dynamics were for naught as two people were going home." A dramatic drum beat plays.
"George paid the price, and in the messiest vote in Survivor history, Trelawney was sent home. Seventeen are left. Who will be voted out tonight?" Randy says as the bus crashes, killing several.
Gryffindor Tribe
Night 3
Ron separates himself from the other three men and wanders to the well. He thrashed around looking for the idol, tearing down a nearby tree.
"I'm super devo about George going home. Now we're stuck with Dumbledore." Ron is digging through some bushes. "I'm ready to dump these guys. Fuck this tribe."
Harry and Albus cuddle in the shelter as a cool breeze blows through the camp.
Sitting on the beach, Hagrid digs his fingers through the sand, "It was a bit of a shock to the system that we had to lose someone." Hagrid makes a pained face, "I'm glad George is gone. The game is on. I just hope Ron feels better; it's nothing against him."
Ron returns to camp and spits in disgust, and mutters, "they're so disgusting."
Looking tired as he was awoken for this confessional, Harry drones, "Yeah, I kept daddy Dumbledore around. I trust him more than George. Leave me alone."
"That was a close call, was it not?" Albus chortles and rubs his nipples under his robes. "I know I can trust Potter. Once the coming together commences, my name will never appear on another parchment. Mark my words, two weeks."
A rat scurries across the camp right under Hagrid's foot, and he dramatically stomps on it.
Hufflepuff Tribe
Day 4
The sun shines as the Hufflepuff chickens cluck excitedly as Winky pats their heads.
Ginny runs into camp looking real saggy, "everyone, I just shat out a tapeworm."
Cedric is sitting near the fire, moving a pan of fish. He smiles at her, "that's nice."
"I was the only person who didn't get a vote last night, and the tribe morale is low." Cedric takes a heavy sigh. "I haven't seen Neville all day. I don't think anyone trusts each other." His eyebrows were knitting together sexily, "our machete randomly disappeared too. A dire situation, yeah?"
Neville is wielding the machete and trying to cut off Voldemort from his bum. "You can't get rid of me, boy!" Voldemort shouts. "Stop it bitch!"
Neville is sobbing uncontrollably, "I don't know myself anymore!" Voldemort coughs from his taint, "Let me think for you dumb cunt!"
Stumbling through the path to tree mail, Winky is just super fucked up. The only thing waiting for her is a black sign with white text that says 'What are you afraid of?'
Winky blinks, "Winky brave."
A hermit crab digs into the sand.
Ravenclaw Tribe
Day 4
Parvati is tattooing Cho's hand with henna. "Another day out here. Are you worried about today's challenge?" Parvati says as she focuses on her intricate design.
Cho hums as Hermione struggles with the flint.
"Our camp got dismantled, and we haven't done anything about it," Cho laughs. "Whatever! I'm more worried that we're splitting into duos." Making two peace signs with her hands, "there's Parvati and me, and it seems that Luna and Hermione are best buddies now." Cho makes a pained face. "That could be a problem moving forward."
Announcing to everyone, Luna bounces into camp, "let's have a tea party!" Luna brings out some teacups and pours some water out of her canteen into the cups.
"I would love a cuppa Luna!" Hermione fakely smiles and plops down on a log giving up on making a fire. Parvati looks over to make a stank face.
"I think I need to be on Luna's good side," Hermione brushes her heavily knotted hair, "so I play into her delusions. I think it should pay off for me later."
All four girls sit around their unlit fire and drink lukewarm water. Cho, having a wicked flower design on her hand, sticks her pinky out.
Slytherin Tribe
Day 4
Dolores is walking out of the ocean, and she looks miserable.
"This game is a lot tougher than it looks." She coughs into a handkerchief, "every day has been rougher than the last."
It begins raining, and Snape and Draco run around with Dolores. They're all laughing and drenched. Snape is snorting and slowly taking off his clothes, revealing his lean body.
Dobby and Lavender sit in the shelter together.
"Dobby makes some rice?" He asks.
Lavender shakes her head, "I'm good."
"I've been thinking of a way to crack into that trio of whiteness. I don't want to resort to looking for an idol desperately. It's way too early to rely on that." Lavender rests her head on a hand as Dobby runs around the camp cleaning. "I have an idea."
Lavender and Draco are sitting together in a nearby cave to stay dry from the ongoing thunderstorm. Lightning cracks in the sky.
"Are you with those old heads?"
Draco turns his head, his blond hair sticking to his face. "I'm for Slytherin supremacy if that's what you're asking."
"What if we have to vote between us?" Lavender jumps, obviously feeling insecure with her place on the tribe.
"We'll have to see, but I want you in the final five. I'm not making any promises, though." Draco says, frowning.
"Alrighty then," Lavender makes direct eye contact with a camera.
"If we can create enough tension between everyone else, I should be sitting in the final two as God intended," Draco smirks shittily.
After the rainstorm, a rainbow appears near the shelter where Snape was taking a nap.
Immunity Challenge
Day 4
Randy stood in gay Lupin's classroom. "Come on, everybody!" Ravenclaw and Slytherin enter the classroom looking thoroughly unimpressed and mildly curious about the challenge.
"Getting a look at the new Gryffindor AND Hufflepuff tribes, George and Trelawney both voted out last night."
Draco bursts into laughter. Hermione looks like the wind has been taken out of her.
"Alright, I'll have the professor of the därk árts explain today's challenge." Randy gestures to Lupin.
"For today's challenge, you'll have to face your greatest fear. In that armoire is a boggart who will pop out and turn into your worst fear-"
Hermione interrupts, "And to get rid of it, you use the ridickulous spell." She smiles.
"Exactly, Ms. Granger," Lupin continues, "the two tribes who successfully conquer their fears will win immunity and get to go spend the day near that waterfall."
Everyone claps, speaking up, Randy reminds, "Slytherin, you have an extra member, you must sit someone out, and they can't sit out in back-to-back challenges. Dobby must participate."
Snape coughs, "it'll be me."
"Okay, Snape, take a seat on the bench. Everyone else get in line." Randy says as some transitional music plays.
"First up is Winky for Hufflepuff! Release the beast!" Winky shakes as a gay bartender with pink hair pops out of the armoire. "Winky, you're cut off, no more drinks."
Winky throws herself onto the ground and convulses, "Winky need drink! Give Winky drink!"
Lupin deeply frowns and does the ridiculous spell. The bartender disappears, "Next! Ron Weasley!"
A giant spider jumps out of the dresser, and Ron screams, "ridiculous!" The spider explodes into some confetti.
"Lovely, a point for Gryffindor. Luna Lovegood,"
Luna prepares her wand as a big feast jumps out and taunts her, "eat me, Luna, eat me, Luna!"
"Never! Ridiculous!" The food turns into small woodland creatures. A bunny-shaped roasted chicken jumps into Luna's lap, and she smiles and pats its head.
"Wonderful, a point for Ravenclaw. Umbridge."
Dolores stands there as a black man emerges from the closet.
"Ahh, he has a gun!" Dolores runs out of the classroom. Lavender shakes her head.
"After the first round, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw lead. Mr. Longbottom, it's your turn." Lupin opens the cupboard, and the boggart version of Snape comes out. "Neville, you disgust me! Your dead parents are disappointed in you."
Instead of casting the spell, Neville just stood there and cried. The evil version of Snape laughed as Lupin struck him down. A wet spot appeared on Neville's pants. Snape, sitting on the sit-out bench, rubs his face in shame.
"It's okay, Neville, Snape won't hurt you, Mr. Potter. It's your turn, excited to see your greatest fear?" Lupin asks as Harry moves forward.
"No," Harry states as his Aunt Petunia creeps out of the armoire.
"Ohh Harry, want some sugar?" She flashes her breasts to the cast.
Harry's hands shake as he lifts his wand. "Ridiculous!" Petunia turns into some petunias.
Dumbledore claps. "I'm so proud of you, Harry." Ron crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.
"Awesome, some of you really know your spells! Ms. Brown, your turn."
She closes her eyes as the words, "drop your weapon! Hands above your head!" Ring against her ears. A dirty cop points a gun at Lavender.
"Fuck! Don't shoot!" She drops her wand and raises her hands. The cop still shoots her in the leg.
"Medic!" Randy calls as Lavender collapses to the ground cradling her bleeding leg. Nurse Goodly and Madam Pomfrey run to the rescue.
"We'll take her to the infirmary, no visitors." Pomfrey does some magic, and they teleport away.
"Let's get back to the challenge, students. Lavender will be fine. Cho, you're up for Ravenclaw."
She straightens her posture as a big anthropomorphic piece of paper with an F on it walks out. "You failed Cho! Big loser! Let's all point and laugh!"
Gritting her teeth, "ridiculous!" The paper turns into a smiling A test, "You did it, Cho! Congratulations!" Cho smiles as Hermione hoots and jumps up and down.
"Gryffindor and Ravenclaw extend their lead," Randy narrates in awe, "Hufflepuff, Slytherin y'all need a miracle. Cedric, a lot of pressure on your slender twink back."
Cedric just nods, and Taylor Lautner pops out with a wooden stake. He calmly states, "ridiculous," Taylor Lautner then drops his stake and runs up to kiss him on the lips.
"How gay, Hufflepuff is on the board!" Lupin claps and continues, "Dobby can you keep your tribe alive?"
"Dobby sure hopes so!" He staggers, looking cachectic.
The bill of rights comes walking out. "I'm a bill, a big ol' bill. The elves are free-e-e-e no more twelve years of slavery, no, no, no!" They sing.
Dobby runs to Draco, "Dobby is a slave! Please filibuster for Dobby, please!"
Lupin signifies that Dobby lost, and Hermione makes a crestfallen face; her elf rights activism is not working.
"Okay, if Gryffindor and Ravenclaw both score a point, this challenge is over. The final round will be unnecessary as Hufflepuff and Slytherin can not make up the deficit. Parvati, you're up."
"Oh, guys, I'm scared!" Parvati laughs, and an Indian boy pops out, "You must marry me Parvati, your parents insist on it!"
"I will never marry you! I am an independent woman! Ridiculous!" Parvati zaps the Indian boy into an Indian girl, her twin, Padma. They hug.
"I think Ravenclaw just sealed immunity for themselves! Hermione, you don't have to face your fear, lucky you."
Pouting, Hermione brags, "I would have done it correctly too, a perfect score for Ravenclaw!"
"Can Gryffindor snag the other boot? Come on, Dumbledore, yes God!" Randy queens about as he gives Parvati the immunity boot.
Dumbledore says, "I got this, no problem." an enormous snake slithers and hisses.
"It's a snake ahh, it's a snake! Ridiculous!" He shoots his spell and turns the snake into a badger.
"Wonderful! Gryffindor wins immunity as well!" Lupin congratulates Albus and shakes his hand.
Draco grumbles that he wasn't even allowed to participate. Hagrid shrugs.
Everyone returns to their mats. Randy says, "Alright, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor head off to the waterfall. Slytherin, Hufflepuff, I'll see you at tribal council."
"Seeing that Slytherin has the most members, sitting out was the easiest way to confirm a loss." Snape smiles devilishly, "Slytherin strong, and we should have five votes."
As Hufflepuff walks out of the classroom, Ginny's face turns green.
Gryffindor + Ravenclaw
Day 4
"Winning again felt amazing!" Hermione says as everyone runs through the waterfall. "Another day in this game can turn everything around."
"Look here, and we got some soap and shampoo! I'm gonna need a lot of it!" Chortling as he squeezes body wash onto his very hairy chest.
Harry smiles at Hagrid.
"I think it went perfectly because we won with the girls, I wanted to talk to them, and they wanted to talk to me." Harry winks.
Cho, Parvati, and Hermione were flirting with Harry and Ron in the water.
"Oh Ron, your arms are so big," giggling Parvati blushes.
"Harry, you look so good with your shirt off," laughing Cho splashes him playfully.
"Using my womanly charms is my strategy to get further in the game. There's finally some cute guys to talk to." Parvati says as she sits on a rock, "It's a shame about George, though. He was the fittest."
Parvati had drawn Ron into a corner of rocks far away from the group. "What happened at tribal? Was an idol played?"
Frowning, Ron elaborates, "Nah, all three voted for him. I don't know who I can trust."
"You can trust me." She laughs.
"Talking to the girls cleared my head a bit," Ron's hair now bouncy from the conditioner, "I wasn't looking at the big picture. Maybe having too many Weasleys in the game was bad for me. Let the game crack on, and all that?"
Like her brown friend, Cho was making similar moves on Harry; however, Hermione was heavily cockblocking.
"We should all work together," Cho says as she shoots daggers at Hermione.
Harry nods, "someone from Hufflepuff is getting fucked. We need to be unified."
"An idol can be played in their favor, you know." Snottily reminding them, Hermione inputs.
"Harry is the chosen one, and everybody loves him, so I want him to love me." Cho snaps a twig in half. "I want him to be on my side."
Albus and Hagrid were still washing their hairy balls and armpits.
"What are we going to do with all those students? The deficit is too tricky." Dumbledore dunks his head under the water.
"We can keep winning challenges. No problem!"
"I think the only way I can win the game is if I win every challenge, and I think I can! Haha!" Hagrid shakes all the water out of his hair.
Luna is just chilling at the table with the bars of soap.
"The meal of soap was so delicious! Mmm, yummy!" She takes a big bite.
Some drums play as everyone towels off.
Hufflepuff + Slytherin
Day 4
"When we got back to camp, Snape wanted to speak with me, and oh boy, was I scared," Neville says and shakes as Voldemort muffles from inside his underwear.
"Mr. Longbottom, there is no need to be afraid of me," Snape said as he stood with Neville near a palm tree.
"Professor Snape, I'm having a bit of a problem, and I was wondering if you could help me with it." Neville begins removing his pants, and this arouses Snape.
Neville turns around and shows his Voldemort ass.
"The dark lord, I need to grab Dolores. She would know what to do," Snape instructs Neville to stay as Voldemort laughs maniacally.
"This is exactly what we need, and we can use Voldemort to flip Neville to our side. I don't trust those dirty elves." Being racist, Snape dashes to his Eva Braun friend.
"Now, Mr. Malfoy, when Lavender returns from the infirmary, you inform her that we are voting for Mr. Diggory." Umbridge dictates as she applies some lipstick.
"That is the obvious option. I will tell her." Draco says as Dobby is tugging on his robes.
"Can Dobby eat, sir?" Ignoring Dobby, Draco heads to his confessional.
"We need to cripple Hufflepuff. Cedric needs to go." Draco spits, and Dobby infiltrates his confessional, "Master Draco! Dobby hungry!" Draco sighs and cums into Dobby's mouth.
Lavender hobbles back into camp with a bandage on her leg. Ginny and Winky were chilling in the shelter.
"Are you okay?" Looking concerned, Ginny blinks.
Dropping herself into the shelter, Lavender cuts to the chase. "I'm ready to flip. Vote Snape."
"My life flashed before my eyes. I'm not fucking around anymore. I'm taking control of this game." The soundtrack booms as Lavender's eyes bug out.
"Winky should tell the ugly boy and the strong boy the plan." Taking a swig of her whisky, Winky climbs out of the shelter.
"Like I guess I trust Lavender that she's flipping on her tribe; they're probably not gunning for me." Smiling at the realization, Ginny relaxes her tense shoulders.
The scene transitions to Cedric dashing through the jungle, head-spinning looking for the idol.
"It felt foolish to negotiate with terrorists, and I'm not giving up Winky or wasting the vote on someone weak." Cedric gestures wildly. "I need to find the idol for my plan to work. Good luck to me." He pitifully laughs and sprints away.
Meanwhile, Dolores was marveling at Neville's new ass.
"I can't believe it. Voldemort has returned! Mr. Longbottom, I mean this when I say it, team?" She falls to her knees, Dolores worships Voldemort.
"The only way to succeed in Survivor is to break up the couples," Voldemort backseat drives the game, "vote off an elf. Your evil leader has spoken." Voldemort blows a kiss.
Snape nods, and Dolores blesses herself.
On her way to find Neville, Winky finds Dobby massaging Draco's feet. She shakes her head. "Dobby, after pleasing Master Draco, please Winky's pussy, k, thanks."
Dobby sputters, and she dips, looking for her tribemates.
"The dark lord gave his decree, but I do not trust the black girl for a second." Ms. Umbridge clenches her fists in racist rage. "A plan had already been made, and no one had seen Mr. Diggory all day. It is highly concerning."
Neville looks lost as he wanders in the jungle. Cedric and Winky happen upon him at the same time.
"Winky has perfect timing. Vote professor Snake." She says and smiles at them.
"I'm down." Cedric says, "do we have to go to tribal soon? Fuck. I found the paper for the idol." He shows a line of it to Neville.
"That's great. B-but I think they're voting for Dobby." Voldemort throws up into Neville's pants. "Boy, what the fuck?" is muffled but unheard by Cedric and Winky.
"Well, that's interesting," Cedric says, and production is making their rounds for them to get the fuck out of the Room of Requirement.
"My game was stifled by my injury today. I didn't even see Cedric or Neville. I hope that my flipping and being fake will work because they see me as a liability." Lavender says in a voice-over as she limps with her torch.
"This vote should be simple." Draco predicts, "Four votes for me, but five votes for Cedric, and I even think those retarded elves know that five is greater than four."
"Dobby doesn't even really know how to play," balling up his potato sack tunic, "Winky wants Dobby to flip. Dobby is confused."
Some suspicious music plays as Winky and Dobby whisper at the back of the line before tribal.
Tribal Council
Night 4
The seven humans make it to the great hall first, and they all stare at Winky berating Dobby. "Listen to Winky!"
Randy raises an eyebrow as everyone settles into their seats. "Well, we're not doing a double back to back. Only one of you will leave tonight. Hufflepuff, you have one less person. I imagine you were trying to flip someone."
Ginny makes a flummoxed face, and Cedric takes charge. "Nah, I found the idol."
Dolores clutches her chest, some gasps are heard.
"He's full of shit," being a skeptical stinker, Draco sticks out his tongue.
"Vote for me and find out, Malfoy. If Slytherin wants to play Russian Roulette with me, go ahead. It'll be one of you going." Cedric crosses his arms.
"Now that sounds very threatening, Snape; what do you make of this? Does it throw a spanner in your plan?"
Curling his lips, Snape booms, "this could be a bluff. Mr. Diggory, why don't you show everyone the idol you speak of?"
"Like I would do that." Cedric rolls his eyes.
Lavender just has her hands on her face. Catching Randy's attention, "Lavender, feeling the heat tonight?"
"I don't think so; it's just a precarious situation." She says.
"Ginny, do you think with an idol in the mix that vote might split?"
She laughs, "there are no six people that would agree to split here. That's not happening." Ginny intrigues Winky.
Addressing the elephant at tribal council, Randy says, "I want to talk to the elves; y'all are so frail, and both are slaves according to local legend. Does that connection paint a target on your backs?"
"Dobby doesn't think-" "Yes, Randy, Winky knows what's happening tonight."
"Oh, and what is happening?"
"The betrayal of Dobby." Her eyes narrow.
"That mongrel is delusional." Blurting out her nasty thoughts, Dolores smiles.
"I'm not voting out my slave. Are you fucking crazy?" Draco sneers.
Randy makes a poop face, "well, it looks like we're going to test tribal loyalties and an idol possession; let's see who's lying? It's time to vote, Draco. You're up first."
Draco makes a smug smirk and votes.
"I don't know if I should vote for Cedric or Snape. They're both big threats. Oh my god, my Vicodin is kicking in!" She says, and Lavender eventually makes a decision.
Using the steps for elves, Winky sniffs the marker for a little too long and then writes down a name.
Dolores walks into the room with the goblet of fire. "I apologize to the dark lord for disobeying, but I'm not sure all the Slytherin children are in line." She holds up [Cedric]
"When I grow hands, I'm going to slap the shit out of you," Voldemort yells at Neville as he hesitates to vote.
Ginny shrugs and writes quickly.
"I need to be very careful. Anyone can become dangerous." Ominously Snape casts his vote.
"Dobby is scared. Master, please do not forsake me." He scribbles and runs back.
"Not my first person to target, but I want to show loyalty." Cedric writes down a name and returns to his seat.
"I'll go tally the votes," Randy says as everyone tenses for the results.
"If anybody has a hidden immunity idol and wants to play, now would be the time to do so,"
Everyone turns to look at Cedric, and he empties his pockets to reveal… nothing.
Randy nods, "I'll read the votes. The first vote,"
[Cedric]
He nods expectantly. The anticipation rises as Randy pulls out the second vote.
[Cedric]
Ginny frowns, and Randy quickly reads the next one.
[Cedric]
"Fuck," he says.
"Three votes Cedric, next vote,"
[Snape]
Letting out a deep breath, Dolores grabs Snape's hand. Lavender smiles.
[Professer Snake]
Some light chuckles because of the poor spelling.
[Prof. Snape]
"We're all tied up, three votes for Cedric, three votes for Snape, three votes left." Hesitating before he opens the next vote.
[Dobby]
"See! Winky was right!" She almost bursts off of her seat.
[Saidrik]
"And the fourth person voted out of Survivor: Room of Requirement is,"
[Cedric]
He gets up and grabs his torch. He flashes his fangs and gives everyone two middle fingers.
"Cedric, the two tribes have spoken, bye."
He walks out of the grand hall.
"Well, it looks like Hufflepuff is on its last legs. You will need to win if you want to survive. Slytherin is not merciful. Head back to camp. Good night." Randy allows them to leave.
Neville looks frightened as he walks away with Ginny and Winky.
"At the elimination train station, Cedric is smoking a cigarette. "I threatened them. I just wish I could have changed my fate with that idol I couldn't find." He flicks some ash away, "good luck Ginny, Neville, and Winky; you guys have an uphill battle." The train arrives, and he boards.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR
The remnants of Hufflepuff scramble for safety, "We need to find the idol! Hurry!" Ginny runs through the forest.
"Did I make the right decision?" Lavender fakely smiles as the Slytherin tribe sits around the fire.
And a twist shakes up the game. "Everyone drop your buffs!"
Votes:
Cedric- Dobby, Dolores, Draco, Lavender, Snape
Snape- Cedric, Ginny, Winky
Dobby- Neville