Randy is flirtatious with mad-eye Moody. "Last time on Survivor," he says in a smooth, sultry voice. "The swap reverberated the game, and suddenly the Slithering Slytherin's lost their lead. Snape and Neville butted heads after Voldemort no longer had his sexy grip on Neville's ass." A shot of them fags arguing.

Randy kisses Moody and then breaks away, "At the challenge, everyone had to make it through a spooky maze. New Slytherin and Hufflepuff flopped again for being slow, old, and elves."

"They thought only one hoe was going home, so gal pals Ginny and Luna set their sights on Snape. Neville, however, wanted an elf to go home, complicating the plan." Neville looks constipated as Ginny tells him what to do.

"Draco found an idol at the water park reward as the women decided to make a pact." Quick shots of Draco smirking with a bulge in his bathing suit and Hermione was looking haughty.

"Everything changed during tribal council, that two people were going home due to budget cuts." Albus crying in response is shown. "This shoved Albus into the decision seat, and he chose his boo Snape over his jailbait, Neville," Neville's torch gets snuffed.

"A few moments later, Ginny had enough of the elve's bullshit and saved Luna with her idol." Winky looks distraught as her good Judy gets eliminated. "Dobby took his snuffing in stride," Randy unbuttons his shirt, "Thirteen are left. Who will be voted out tonight?"

Slytherin Tribe
Night 7

Albus and Severus trudge into camp, the night vision lens accentuating their faces.

"That was a close one, Severus," Albus quips as he drops a twig into the fire. The sparks envelop his hand.

"That vote hurt," Dumbledore sighs as he sits hunched over on a log. "Snape has more social capital and a sweeter ass. The merge must be soon, and I want as many people on my side. Build a big tent and all that."

Severus lounges in the sand, rolling around in the wet brown mush. "Care to join me, Albus? It's just us."

"My biggest fear almost came true, and I could have seen Albus saving Neville over me." Snape conjures a cigarette and takes a drag. "If we have another challenge and lose, I don't know what will happen. This game can't get any worse for me." Snape blows some smoke towards the camera.

Unrobing his tassels and exposing himself, Albus lays atop Snape, and they suck each other dickés until the sunrise.

Hufflepuff Tribe
Day 8

"So Winky is on strike," Ginny explains, looking distraught. "She said, and I quote, 'Winky hopes you fucking die. Winky, not cooking anymore.' Like okay, bitch be that way."

Winky steals a handful of uncooked rice and stuffs it into her bra.

"Guys, I want you to know something," Luna says, earning an eye roll from Winky and Ginny shrugging her shoulders.

"I want you to use they/them pronouns for me. I'm an androgynous fae."

"That's cool, Luna." Ginny laughs fakely.

"Pick a side, some days Winky boy and some days Winky girl." She makes a stank face.

Some jingles play as Ginny and Luna chill near the well.

"So if we lose, can we just burn Winky? I don't think she likes me very much." Pouting Luna looks a bit sexy.

"Girl, I can get her back if it's not another fucking double." Ginny flips her hair back dramatically.

"Like if those two old bags of bones lose. We ARE voting out Snape if it fucking kills me." She spits. "I hate his stupid face. I just need to apologize to Winky."

"Winky, please cook us lunch. I'm so sorry for getting rid of Dobby." Ginny pleads.

"No, fuck you." Winky slumped over as she's starving.

"I'll do whatever you want, Winky, I promise," Ginny says, and Winky grumbles at her.

"Winky wants you to leave Winky alone right now." Ginny sighs and a quick cutaway to a fish swimming away.

Gryffindor Tribe
Day 8

"Oh bugger, we're running out of rice." Parvati notices as she digs a coconut husk into the bag.

The three boys sit together on a long, "Eh, Weasel getting a bit pudgy?"

Draco's insult angers Ron, "I've seen you sneaking meals Malfoy, how do you stay so skinny? Going off to throw up? It's not like you could find the idol; you're fucking stupid."

"Whoa," Harry says, but it doesn't do anything to stop the argument.

"Are you sure you want to piss me off, you ginger faggot?" Draco spits at Ron.

"That's so unnecessary," Parvati butts in.

"Being on a tribe of all men is testing my patience. They are so annoying and rude to each other." Rolling her eyes, Parvati sighs, "At least I blend into the background."

"Malfoy, you are so not worth it." Ron gets up and walks away.

"Why can't you just be nice for once in your life?" Harry tosses out.

"Weasel has a fundamental misunderstanding of his class status." Scoffing, Draco condescends, "You're just all beneath me. I know it, you know it. It's true."

"How do I feel about Malfoy? I want to stuff my cock in his mouth, so he shuts the fuck up." Harry adjusts his bangs to cover up his abuse scar. "He might be my ticket to the win, though; who would vote for him to win? No one, that's a clean sweep."

Awkward silence takes over as a shark swims through the ocean nearby.

Ravenclaw Tribe
Day 8

"It was another day on the beach, and I thought, how could I have some fun? I wanted to cause a problem on purpose." Cho smiles as she is shown walking up to Lavender.

"You should go ask her why she wanted to be black."

"I haven't confronted Hermione yet, because I think it would just paint a huge target on my back. I would just seem racist like the rest of the old Slytherin tribe. But I didn't have to do that." Lavender explains.

"Lav, I just want to say I am so happy I could borrow your pigment. I look so sexy." Hermione brags in the middle of the camp.

"Not this again. The girls never settled the problem from stealing someone's melanin twist." Hagrid hunches over. "We should just move past it; we need to focus on winning."

"Girl, you're appropriating my culture. It's not a costume for you to wear. Give. It. Back." Lavender words cut tension.

Acting attacked, Hermione cries, "I'm not. You're just jealous!" She gets defensive, and Hagrid steps in.

"Bitch, give it up. You look like a man." Lavender says and puts a hand on her hip.

"Hermione is dirty, nasty, and there's something really gutter butt about her." Lavender nods, "she's growing a mustache, disgusting."

Hagrid tries to mediate, "ladies, we need to work together. You should talk it out." He gives a shady glance towards Lavender.

"Speak on it, speak on it, speak on it," Hermione says.

"It's not what I'm gonna say; it's what I'm gonna do." Hagrid intercepts Lavender running at Hermione. "I just want to talk to her!"

"The dumb sluts on my tribe are just so jealous of me." Hermione pontificates, "we all know that the men will pick me to take to the end." A dramatic drum beat plays.

Cho breaks up the fight with tree mail, "the next challenge is set in motion. Can you mix the right potion? The game is about to shift, so stop being an annoying bitch." She makes a confused face.

"Does it actually say that?" Hagrid asks as Lavender wiggles in his grip.

Immunity Challenge
Day 8

The final thirteen make their way into the potions classroom. Snape has a big grin on his face.

"Getting a look at the two new tribes, Neville and Dobby were sent home."

Draco shakes his head as Harry mouths, wow.

"Some big reactions, Harry. How do you feel about this?"

"I thought Albus would've wanted a younger person to be alone with." Harry shades Albus about his pedophilia, and Snape scoffs.

"Alright, for today's challenge will be a puzzle. You'll have to mix the right potions to make the requested object. There will be three tests. The two tribes that perform the best will win immunity and get to keep their potions as a reward." Randy says as Hagrid nods at the explanation.

"Since Slytherin only has two members, let's all point and laugh at them," Cho smirks at Randy.

"Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, you must sit two people out. Huffs, you only need to sit out one, and they can't sit out in back-to-back challenges. Cho, Parvati, and Winky must participate."

Some transitional bubbles float out of the cauldrons as pairs stand before their potion mixing station.

Randy narrates, "For Gryffindor, it's Harry and Parvati," they awkwardly shake hands. "Ravenclaw, Cho, Hermione, Hufflepuff, Winky, and Luna," Winky glares as Luna makes some glitter pop out of her sleeve. "And the only two Slytherins left, Big Dumbledore and Big Snape."

"For the first round, you need to make some meth! Good luck!"

"My favorite," Snape purrs as Dumbledore measures some shit.

"No, Winky do elf magic," she slaps Luna's hand away.

"I took notes on this in our breaking bad class," Cho states, and Hermione nods and retorts, "oh yes, I loved that section."

Harry stands there as Parvati makes some meth.

"Okay, time is up. Everyone except Hufflepuff made some good meth. Winky, this is brown sugar, not what I asked for."

She crosses her arms. Ginny looks distraught from the sit-out bench.

"The next drug you need to make is some crispy sprite."

"I know this spell! Mcdonnatronus!" Hermione sprays some sprite out of her wand.

"I'm vegan," Harry states, and Parvati struggles as 7-up sprinkles into a glass.

"OK, only Slytherin and Ravenclaw succeeded on that crispy Sprite." Ron frowns as he sits uncomfortably next to Draco, who doesn't give a fuck.

"The final potion you need to make a sexy love potion! For those date rapes you wizards love."

A quick montage of everyone kissing their wands and picking from the different magical medicines to mix in their cauldrons, Luna drops some of her chunky blonde hair into the stew.

Randy goes to each table and drinks from their test tubes. "After grading all your love potions, I am now just a hole and a faggot. Ravenclaw and Slytherin win immunity!"

Snape and Dumbledore dramatically kiss.

"I'm so happy to go back to camp and do drugs!" Lavender chuckles and bumps a line.

"Oh bugger, I haven't been to tribal since George-o went home. I'm dead scared." Ron hugs his knees.

Hufflepuff + Gryffindor
Day 8

The seven walk back into camp. Luna apologizes, "very sorry, potions class is so hard."

"Yeah, I'm with you there," Ron says and smiles.

Ginny game bots for her two dead fish allies, "Luna told me that Draco was forceful with her, making him an easy target. It should be unanimous."

The four girls all lounge together on the beach. "It's so nice to have some girls on the beach again!" Parvati smiles and fixes her tube top.

"Just between us, are you okay with voting for Draco? Because I'm doing that no matter what." Stankly, Luna proposes.

"Oh yeah, I'll do that. I voted for him the first time, and I'll do it again." Parvati laughs.

"I have no loyalty to the new Gryffindor; they're all strong and could easily win individual challenges. I would be stupid to vote out Ginny Weasley over them." Braiding her hair as she explains her strategy, Parvati smizes.

Ron, Harry, and Draco quickly realize that they are alone. "Look, Draco, you're done for." Ron states.

"Are they that jealous of me? Pathetic." Frowning and feeling insecure, Draco digs into his underwear to pull out the idol. "I'm showing off the body." He removes his shirt and wears the idol like a necklace. It balances on his flat, twink chest.

"Not so fast, Ronald. Do you want my sole vote to decide it?"

"You're bluffing Malfoy." Harry's voice wavers.

"Potter shut the fuck up. Get a load of this." Draco reveals his idol to them.

Ron is speechless, and Harry makes a disgruntled face.

"Since you two tossers talk to me, I'm not targeting you."

"Oi, don't vote Ginny, I can get her to flip. You don't need to use it."

"I plan to fake Draco out. I don't want him in the game that much longer." Lounging sexily, Ron sighs at this pickle.

"I don't care which one goes. The biggest threat is…" the scene changes before Harry tells Draco what to do hypocritically.

The four girls were still discussing their plans.

"Winky good on voting Draco, yes yes."

"Draco is an evil colonist, but Luna annoying cunt. Winky, unsure of what to do." Winky sits near the ocean and gets swept in by a big wave.

As all the girls walk back into camp, Draco runs out butt naked with only the idol around his neck. "Try me now bitches. Get a load of this." He shakes his chest, and the idol gleams in the sun.

"Oh, very nice cock, Master Draco," Winky nods and walks on.

Ginny, Parvati, and Luna all shoot dramatic looks at each other and scatter.

"I needed to get my brother in on the plan. I thought we could get Parv on our side, and that be that." Ginny chews her fingernails. "We need another plan."

"Ron, what are we going to do? I think I'm going home." Ginny corners Ron near some bushes a few feet away from the camp.

Ron makes a face, "No, you're not. Just vote with me."

"I'm not voting out Luna, and I'm not getting stranded alone with Winky. I would be chopped liver if we lost again, Ron!"

Rolling his eyes, "Then we can vote differently."

"Oh my god, this is so stupid, so I should just cut the girl I just saved? This is so stressful." Looking fat Ginny has an anxiety attack.

Some transitional music as Parvati is sprinting down the beach to her destination.

"So, Draco getting the idol is not ideal." Parvati walks along the beach to Draco suntanning in the nude, making a stank face. "I need to make a deal with the devil."

"We need to split up the Weasleys," Parvati says.

"That's interesting. I may take you up on your offer."

"It was obvious that Parvati went off to backstab me! What the fuck?" Malfoy plays with the idol and rubs it on his chin. "Now she's preaching tribe loyalty, please." He rolls his eyes.

Luna sat at the campfire pointedly, not eating anything as Harry and Winky sat together. "Oh, Master Potter, let Winky serve you dinner." Winky karate chops some grilled fish up for Harry.

"Are you two settled on the vote?"

Before Winky can respond, Luna interrupts her. "Oh yes, Harry! I'm voting for Draco, and he's bluffing. He's not going to play his idol tonight."

"Do you think Malfoy would be that reckless? He must know the girls absolutely hate him."

Luna ponders this, "I guess, I don't give a fuck? He needs to go home."

Winky laughs to herself and stays quiet. Production starts to wrangle everyone up for the impending tribal council.

"My vote is up in the air tonight," Ginny says in a voice-over as everyone grabs their torches lain against the shelter, "we're going to have to see what happens once we get there. When the pressure from Randy is on us."

Intense close-up on Parvati's face, "I think breaking off Ron from his sister is my best move if I can't sink Draco tonight. If Padma were here, they would be doing the same to me. It's only fair."

"They made a big mistake in targeting ME, DRACO MALFOY. They will rue tonight when I send them home one by one, adios cunt." Draco says that as the soundtrack plays an ominous drumbeat, he walks to tribal with his floppy cock out.

Tribal Council
Night 8

Somber faces enter the grand hall as Harry leads the pack looking pissed off like always. The four girls are sitting to the right of Randy, and he smirks at them, "Draco, nice of you to show up in your birthday suit." Everyone sits down in front of the grand fireplace.

"Yeah, Randy, I got the best present of all, this idol." He laughs, and all the girls squirm in their seats.

"Ginny, you're no stranger to tribal council; what is your strategy tonight now that Draco has an idol?" Randy asks.

"It's pretty complicated, Randy. Now someone's going to be collateral damage because Draco would be foolish not to play it for himself tonight." She says.

"So Harry, there's four on three here. Should the Hufflepuff girls be nervous?"

"Yeah, they should be. We really bonded as a group."

Ron shakes his head, "I can't stand Malfoy; he's lucky he has that idol."

"Do you want me to change my vote to you, Weasel?"

"Go for it. Malfoy. Are you sure you even need to use it?"

Parvati laughs.

"What's so funny, Parvati? I think you're interestingly in the middle. Do you stay loyal to your tribemates or flip to the three girls? You did start the game with Luna." Randy notes, and Luna nods her head up and down.

"I mean, I think a lot of people are in swing positions tonight. I'm still not sure who I want to vote for." Parvati says that as a dramatic violin plays, Ginny starts to panic in her seat. She crosses her legs and sticks her tongue out.

"Now, Winky, are you worried tonight?"

Winky clears her throat, "Winky has been thinking, and Winky wants to be voted out. Winky's back hurts, and Winky misses Dobby."

Ron gasps, and Luna giggles.

Randy sputters, "Winky, are you sure you want to leave? If someone wants to quit, then let them quit."

Ginny begs and whispers in Winky's ear, "Please stay."

"Are you sure you want to go, Winky?" Parvati asks with a shit-eating grin.

"I'm not voting her." Harry stankly says, Draco follows up with a "same."

"Winky needs to leave." Winky stands up and grabs her torch, bringing it over to Randy, whose mouth is agape.

"Well, Winky, you have spoken," He snuffs her torch. She stumbles out of the grand hall.

"Winky free, Winky free!" she skips and clicks her dirty feet together.

"Seeing as someone has gone, the vote tonight is no more. The game is rough and not for everyone," Draco laughs and becomes aroused, "head on out all, see you tomorrow."

Luna grabs Ginny's hand as Ginny looks dissociated as fuck.

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR

"With Winky gone, Ginny and Luna are on their own," Ginny and Luna cuddling and shivering in the night vision lens with their fire out.

Draco twirls the idol around his finger, "With Winky quitting, Draco still has his idol to cause chaos." Draco is stomping into camp. "Who is going to fuck with me now?"

And the game takes another twist, "everyone drop your buffs!" Hagrid victoriously throws his buff on the ground.