Randy takes a shit in the girl's bathroom while Moaning Myrtle touches herself, "last time on survivor!"
Ginny pleads with a starving Winky. "The game heated up as Winky declared she was on strike."
"At the fun puzzle potions challenge, the old farts swept, and so did the teacher's pets, Cho and Hermione." Celebratory shots of Lavender and Hagrid hugging.
"Before the tribal council, Ginny and Luna converted Parvati to their side, targeting evil Malfoy." A dramatic violin plays, "Draco threatened everyone with his idol, which created a mass panic."
"At tribal council, Winky quit the game anticlimactically, and it canceled the vote, allowing Draco to hang on to his nuclear option." Randy flushes the toilet as Myrtle swoops down to suck on his nipple. "Twelve are left. Who will be voted out tonight?" They moan together.
Hufflepuff Tribe
Night 8
"Walking back into camp after Winky left was heartbreaking," Ginny bursts into tears. "I'm more proud of her than I'm proud of myself. She wasn't going anywhere."
Ginny and Luna cuddle and shiver in the night vision lens with their fire out, their bodies wiggling against each other for warmth.
"I can't believe she just got up and left!" Luna says as it rains heavily on her as she sits under a tree. "I'm just glad me and Gin Gin made it another day together. I like her so much."
A crack of lightning spooks the girls, and they scream and laugh.
Gryffindor Tribe
Day 9
The sun rises as Harry rubs his eyes under his wire-frame glasses. Parvati scrapes the bottom of a pan.
"Winky deciding to leave the process was shocking, so I wrote a poem last night, or perhaps a haiku, if you will," Parvati clears her throat. "How to live live live live live / how to die die die die die/living dying, living dying, how to live elves, how to live Chicanos, how to live gay people, how to live giants, I am, I was, I am, I was, I am. Yo me espero. Yo me espero." She smiles.
Draco stomps into camp, twirling his idol around on his finger. "Who is going to fuck with me now?"
"I'll fuck you, Malfoy," Harry says in the shelter as Ron returns with some local mangoes he fetched.
"There's a lot of tension in the camp, so Harry suggested we all dump our loads into him as a tribal bonding experience," Ron explains as, in the background, Draco is balls deeps into Harry's bussy as Parvati sits on Harry's face.
"Do you like that bitch?" Draco punches Harry in the stomach, and he grunts in pleasure.
"I guess Winky quitting is bad," Harry notes in the nude after the orgy. "The elves are obsessed with me for whatever reason, but I think my strategy of being submissive is working well." Draco storms over, grabbing Harry by the hair dragging him away.
A crocodile pops out of the water and gives a grin to the camera.
Ravenclaw Tribe
Day 9
"Day 9! Almost to double digits. Did you think you would make it this far, Cho?" Lavender asks as they sit together in the shelter with their legs criss-cross applesauce.
"Yeah, honestly, I did."
Lavender pouts, "I'm shocked I'm still here. I'm pretty irrational."
Cho nods, and she fiddles with some sticks in her hands.
Hermione eats some rice and glares at the girls from afar.
"I am a descendant of Adam, which means my animal instincts are at level one thousand!" Hermione boasts as she sits in a tree, "I believe in the power of Jesus Christ, and whatever happens next in this game, I know he's on my side."
Hagrid jovially enters the camp and breaks up the negative energy. "Hear this, girls. It's time we made a deal."
"I'm listening." Cho says, and Lavender is all like, "yeah?"
"I will not go after any of you. I know I'm a big target come merge," Hagrid says and wipes some sweat off his forehead.
"I'm lying to these girls. My real loyalty is to the boys." #transmisogyny. Hagrid laughs. "I'll be a goner come merge. I need to cover my bases."
An owl comes down to snatch up a mouse, and the owl bites off the mouse's head.
Slytherin Tribe
Day 9
Intense close-up on Albus' shaking hands as he smokes his meth reward. "Bloody fuck, I feel so good!" Snape motions for Albus to come over to him. They dance together in a haze, and Snape slaps Albus' saggy ass.
"The past few days where it's just been Dumble and me have been fabulous, marvelous," Snape sits naked in the middle of the camp. Some cum still on his flabby stomach, "not having to worry about what those sniveling children are planning for the night keeps the mind at ease."
"Oh Severus, darling, sweety," Albus slurs, drinking some of the Sprite from the challenge, "the tree mail sounds frightening. Let me read," he clears his throat. "Fly around the arena as fast you can. You better catch the golden snitch. If you think you can escape tribal council, think again. If you lose, don't be a sour bitch."
They laugh and smoke more meth and fuck until the challenge. Albus shoots some green cum onto Snape's face.
Immunity Challenge
Day 9
"Come on in, everyone!" Randy shouts as the four houses arrive at the quidditch colosseum.
"Winky done quit at the last tribal council."
Snape curls his lips, "how despicable, a time waste," Randy nods at Snape's stankness.
"Well, as we have two tribes of two, that won't do. Everyone, drop your buffs!" Hagrid victoriously throws his buff on the ground. Ginny removes her buff from her wrist and frowns. "We're splitting up these tribes into two tribes of six. So Albus and Snape, Ginny and Luna, you two will be in separate tribes."
A pained expression comes across Albus' face. "For the tribes of four, you'll stick with at least one of your old tribemates."
Ron goofily smiles and squeezes Harry's hand.
Randy throws buffs at everyone. Ginny unwraps a red bandana, as does her brother.
Snape frowns in his blue buff as Cho says, "Ravenclaw til I die." donning blue again.
"Alright on the new new Gryffindor, Albus, Ginny, Ron, Draco, Hagrid, and Hermione." They stand together awkwardly, Draco grabbing Ron's ass as Ginny frowns.
"And on the new new Ravenclaw, Snape, Luna, Harry, Parvati, Cho, and Lavender," Cho and Parvati glance at each other, and #asianalliancereunion pops up on screen; Luna clasps their hands together excitedly and jumps up and down.
"Today's challenge is quidditch." Randy throws broomsticks at everyone's feet. The game's object is to score more points than the opposing tribe. Each goal is worth ten points, and catching the Golden Snitch is worth one-hundred and fifty points. The game ends when the Snitch is caught. Does everyone understand?"
Everyone nods and ready their brooms in their crotches,
"Ready, Go!" Randy shoots his gun.
They all begin flying magically. Hagrid zooms over, and he hip checks Snape into the dirt, eliminating him from the challenge.
Draco and Harry jostle each other as the Snitch flies like a speeding bullet.
"Ten points for Ravenclaw!" Parvati grabs the quaffle ball and throws it into the goal circle. Ginny cannot block with her stubby arms.
Ron successfully pushes Luna from their broom, and she screams as she falls a few feet into the astroturf. Albus lands on the ground, and he collapses from exhaustion. "Not my challenge," he says, out of breath.
Hagrid bullies Cho off of her broom, and she takes a significant fall only to land on her fine ass.
Running around with a dead fetus on her head, Nurse Gollum is dragging hoes to the infirmary.
"This challenge is brutal!" Randy notes as Snape sits on the ground with his arm in a sling.
Grabbing a ball, Hermione alley-oops an undefended goal post.
Draco and Harry are homoerotic, bouncing off each other as they both have an arm out, barely grasping the golden fairy faggot ball. "Out of my way, Potter," Harry grunts sexily in response.
Cut to Hagrid, slamming both quaffle balls into the goals and showboating. He's being obnoxious as fuck. Both Draco and Harry are grazing the snitch as they crash into a wall. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks over.
Holding the golden ball, Draco shoves it into his anus. Randy announces, "Gryffindor wins immunity!" over the loudspeaker. In celebration, Ginny somersaults on her broom.
After bandaging from the medical team, everyone reshuffled onto their new mats. Randy excitedly gives Draco the immunity boot port key.
"Now Albus, Ginny, Ron, Draco, Hagrid, and Hermione, you are all immune, but both tribes will be going to tribal council, and everyone will vote."
Snape's forehead wrinkles and Parvati knowingly smiles.
"Good luck." Randy laughs.
"Well, we lost," A sad trumpet plays as Hermione walks away from the challenge. "It's time to end Professor Snape, finally! We should have the numbers, and if we don't, I am going overtime to secure the seventh vote."
"Thank heavens the other tribe will have a say. If not, it would have been the end of me," Snape notes as he sits on the beach. "Dumbledore has my back, and his influence will be tantamount for me making it through the next vote."
Rocking two black eyes that she got in the challenge, Lavender says, "Do I backstab Snape and work with my new BFF Cho? We'll have to see what offers come my way."
An intense close-up on a Quidditch trophy is a transition away from the challenge.
Gryffindor + Ravenclaw
Day 9
The twelve battered hoes walk back into camp. Sounding disappointed, Ron says, "Oi, no merge feast?"
"We didn't technically merge Ronald," Hermione sasses him and dramatically asks, "Girls, it's time to go to the bathroom. We need to powder our noses."
"Yeah, okay, go be lesbians elsewhere." Draco snottily says as he and Snape shake hands. The women leave.
Cho sits on the sink in the bathroom, and Parvati does her makeup in the mirror. Taking a shit in a closed stall, Ginny sits awkwardly, having diarrhea and uncomfortable to be in there.
Hermione leads, looking directly at Lavender. "We need to oust Snape. Are you going to be loyal?"
"Of course! I just need to know who they're targeting, and I'll let you ladies in on the move. Snape will need my vote, so I'll be shocked if they leave me out on this one."
"Do I want to work with that cunt who stole my blackness? Hell no! But having a girls' alliance would benefit me in the long run. It's just a shame we can't vote for Her. Although more girls mean more competition for cock. I wonder which one fancies Ron and if they do? Curtains for them." Lavender flushes a toilet dramatically.
Eating some hand soap as a snack, Luna chirps, "Do you reckon it will be me?"
"We can never be sure. Do any of you have an idol? We could use it here." Being analytical about it, Cho asks.
"Naur, just Draco unless if anyone is being sneaky." Rubbing some cherry lip gloss across her bottom lip, Parvati says.
A toilet flushes, and we're back at camp. Snape has gathered the remaining men around the fire. "All I need for you to do is vote out Cho, Parvati, or Luna. It does not matter who perishes."
"Parv's mom died; she's a threat to win." from Harry.
"Cho is wicked smart, yeah?" Ron insinuates racistly, "We should go after her. You don't know what she's thinking."
"Luna Lovegood is a menace. She's delusional and a liar." Draco kicks some sand around. "That's who is most dangerous."
"The children kicking around ideas is great. It means I can just stand back and let things happen. Severus and Harry are the ones in danger, and they should be the ones to get blood on their hands, not I." Dumbledore's dress blows in the wind, smiling coolly, and he serves a look.
The girlies come back from the bathroom, and as the sun begins to set, people break off. Lavender approaches Draco, "so what's the plan? They are so mad about Professor Snape. It's ridiculous."
"I wanted Luna, but we're not certain." Draco blinks. "I know I'm a huge twat sometimes, but you're loyal. I trust you." He blushes shockingly about being vulnerable.
"Do I believe in this nazi rehabilitation nonsense?" Lavender ponders, "not particularly, but I guess he's cute in a pasty, limp noodle kind of way." She laughs sluttily.
Ron and Ginny lounge together in a hammock. "What should we do, big bruvva?" He places his bulging bicep around her fat neck. "I guess Snape?" He shrugs, and the hammock swings to and fro.
Before tribal, Cho and Parvati squawked at each other. "Can we split it? That white girl is not to be trusted." Parv's freaking out, and she pulls her buff over her face.
"Just stick to the plan; if it ties, it ties."
"Tonight will really show us everything. All the cards are on the table. It might be my last night. I know my prowess threatens them." Cho smizes at the camera intensely.
"The birds might all flock together tonight," Harry says emotionlessly. "Hopefully, we can cock block them and gain the numbers. It could be a blindside on me!"
"This is an island of contradictions, and anything can happen!" Dumblydore forebodes and wears some black eyeliner and some red eyeshadow. He's goth now.
Tribal Council
Night 9
The thunderclaps and the wind picks up as the castaways walk into the grand hall. Gryffindor sits on the left, Draco and Ron smiling, looking confident. Ravenclaw sits on the right, and Luna looks nauseous and skeletal. For the first time, Harry looks uncomfortable to be at tribal.
"Let's get started, so we're in two tribes of six. Parvati, were you expecting a merge?"
"Mr. Marsh, I think we all did!" She laughs, "but with everyone voting tonight, it does feel like the merge. Just because half of the group is safe doesn't mean a majority of seven can't form and control the game."
"Do you think a seven has formed?"
Parvati smiles, and her Asian counterpart speaks up, "Yes, I think so."
"Yar, the four original Ravenclaws think they are slick." Spitting on the ground, Hagrid clears his throat.
"How can you sit there and allow those evil people to do their evil things, Mr. Hagrid?" Wiping their eyes, Luna pouts.
"What evil have I done? Be on the Slytherin tribe? These children's imaginations run wild." Dismissively Snape flips his long hair back.
"Luna is a delusional bitch. You can not trust her." Draco pipes up from the second row.
Gasping and sputtering, "Draco raped me on the first day!" Luna throws their arms out for emphasis. Their pussy is now this wide as Luna's arms outstretched.
"And what does that have to do with Snape? Nothing. Your reasoning is flawed, or are you just doing that muggle's bidding?"
"I didn't tell her to do anything, Malfoy." Hermione takes the bait.
Some "ooo" sounds come from Lavender and Snape.
"Lavender, you heard Luna refer to the original Slytherins as evil people. How does that make you feel?"
She laughs, "Well, where is that hat now? Put him on my head! I bet he would say something different."
Rebutting, "I didn't mean it like that." Luna stammers.
"Let's hear from some of the Gryffindor hoes. You are all safe, so how do you vote? Pick out the strongest or have bonds formed, Albus?"
As an old person, he clears his throat nastily, "well, it's all a matter of what is most beneficial at the moment. Our tribe has the advantage."
"Professor, I have to disagree," Hermione makes a bitch face. "The factions have been made."
Randy blinks and asks Harry, "are there factions from the other tribe dictating this vote?"
"Well yeah, we seem to be split by gender, I reckon," Harry says.
"Well, let's put this battle of the sexes to the test. It's time to vote. Draco, you're up first."
"Easiest decision so far," He holds up a vote for [Luna].
Walking up to vote with Crookshanks clawed into her shoulders, Hermione stankly whispers, "You are a mean old man who will die alone, loser!" [Snape]
"You're a wanker." Ginny says, and she places her closed vote into the fiery goblet.
"I am truly sorry," Albus says as the camera hovers over his shoulder.
Ron walks up to vote with a disgruntled face as he uncaps the marker.
Snape gives face, beauty, and face as he draws a sexy cursive L. [Luna] "You are a weak and stupid girl, begone."
Harry votes and rubs his scar on his forehead for good luck.
Walking up to vote, Lavender smiles as she touches the paper.
Hagrid stomps up to vote. "You have to go now, bye-bye." He waves his giant hand.
"So sorry, Mr. Snape!" Luna chirps.
Cho silently writes a name.
Giving a cheeky grin, Parvati writes down a name. She walks back to her seat and plops herself down.
Randy nods, "I'll go tally the votes."
"If anybody has a hidden immunity idol and would like to play it, now would be the time." Draco smiles and grabs his cock staying in his seat.
"I'll read the votes," Randy says and digs his hand into the goblet. "First vote is for,"
He flips over the parchment. [Luna]
She nods, and another vote for her pops up.
[Luna]
Hermione makes a disgruntled face as Cho breathes a sigh of relief.
[Snape]
"Of course," he says snottily.
"Fourth vote," the music gets more intense.
[Professor Snape]
"Two votes Luna, and two votes, Snape."
The following two votes are revealed in quick succession.
[Luna]
[Luna]
"Oh no!" They say, and Ginny reaches out to rub Luna's bony shoulder.
[Snape]
He snarls, and Draco coughs.
[Snape]
"We have tied again, four votes Snape, and four votes Luna. Four votes left."
[Ms. Lovegood]
Luna begins to cry.
[Luna 3]
"And the eighth person voted out of Survivor: Room of Requirement is."
[Luna]
They jump up to embrace Ginny, and they share a deep kiss. "Good luck, everyone. I had fun!"
They grab their torch and bounce over to Randy.
"Luna, the tribes have spoken." Randy snuffs their torch, and the smoke rises.
"Sure have! Toodle-loo!" Luna skips out of the great hall.
Hermione looks murderous, and Ginny wipes her teary eyes.
"Interesting decision," Randy condescends. "The game is coming down to the wire. Are you sure you can trust the people you are keeping safe?" The camera pans over Harry, Snape, Hermione, and Ginny. "Head on out. See you all tomorrow."
"Survivor was so much fun! It's a shame I couldn't go any farther, but I wouldn't change anything about my time out there. Good luck, Gin Gin! I'm rooting for you!" Luna smiles as she sits on the train departing Hogwarts.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR
Randy stands on a dock, "I have some good news and bad news, the good news, your loved ones are here!" Everyone cheers, "The bad news? Two people are going home at tribal council." Gasps all around.
A dramatic reveal shakes the game, everyone sitting in the dining hall making shocked and gooped faces.
Anger flares. Hagrid screams, "I'll fucking kill her!"
"Do I go with the Asian bitches or the stank emo people?" Harry ponders as he finds a horse to fuck.
Votes:
Luna: Snape, Draco, Lavender, Albus, Hagrid, Harry, Cho, and Parvati
Snape: Luna, Ginny, Hermione, and Ron