Rita Skeeter coughs at Randy with her notepad. "Last time on Survivor!" He gulps.
"At the immunity challenge, both tribes had to go to tribal council." Dramatic shots of everyone's faces.
"In a heartfelt reunion of everyone's family, the challenge was to rescue them from the evil mermaids." A flashback to "only one!"
"Ron and Snape were the fastest and won the first individual immunities of the season. As a reward, they were able to invite four hoes to dinner." Hagrid, Dumbledore, Ginny, and Hermione sit around the table before the dramatic reveals.
"Accidentally outing her daughter as trans, the dinner erupted." Mommy Weasley blushes, "Hermione and her bestie boo J.K. were being transphobic as fuck. Hagrid did the unthinkable and done killed J.K." Her headless corpse lay bleeding in the grand hall.
"Back at camp, the people left behind planned against each other as they didn't know the news that awaited them." Cho and Parv are fake to Lavender and Harry, respectively.
"At tribal council, Hermione and Hagrid screamed at each other; shockingly, Harry was eliminated unanimously and the vote tied at Gryffindor after Draco wasted his idol." Shocked faces as Draco digs in his tight briefs.
"Instead of revoting, Hagrid decided to leave to avoid random rocks for Dumbledore and Ginny." A shot of Ginny sobbing as Hagrid gets his torch snuffed.
Rita Skeeter nods and begins writing her scathing review. "We then merged the two tribes. Nine are left. Who will be voted out tonight?!"
Merged Tribe
Night 10
Tense music plays as all nine hoes make it to an empty beach.
"That was the worst tribal council yet," With tears in her eyes, Ginny hiccups, "I keep losing my friends. How will I make it to the end if everyone knows my secret?"
"We should build a shelter," Snape drones.
"We can't see anything; how will we do that?" Sounding stank in the dark, Lavender crosses her arms.
"I think we need to discuss what happened."
Snape makes a disgruntled face at Dumbledore.
"Losing Hagrid and Harry really put a bee in my bonnet." Albus clears his throat. "It's time to turn on the heat!"
"WHO PUT HARRY POTTER'S NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?" Albus is extra even though Harry's elimination was unanimous. He continues. "Ms. Granger, how can you live with yourself?" His voice booms.
"Well, the tribe spoke, did they not? I stayed over Hagrid BY A LOT," Hermione yells before walking away from the group.
"Now I've only been to like two tribal councils, and I've almost gone home both times!" Her curly red hair blows in the wind as she twists her head. "I hate these people. They are so fake, worms for brains. And that man Ginny? She's burgeoning and disgusting."
Insecure, Parvati chokes up an explanation, "Harry was a huge threat; I'm so sorry, professor."
Albus huffs at the girls and gracefully walks away.
The waves loudly crash on the beach.
"We should dig a hole to have a basement in the shelter," Draco says.
"Not to be confrontational, but that sounds terrible?" Cho stankly judges him.
Parvati burst out, "is he stupid? We will drown!"
"I want my basement!"
"Draco, that's not going to work," waltzing away in a huff, Ginny shouts at him.
In hysterics, "It's just not worth it!" Ginny sobs.
"Let's just move on. Let's sleep on it." Ron says and flips his red hair.
Everyone lays together in a big pile; Snape murmurs, "who's brushing against mine leg?"
"Sorry, sir," Draco readjusts his bussy.
Cho's long hair reflects beautifully in the night vision, "So we lost Harry, which was perfect, and the other tribe dumped Hagrid, which I am also pleased with." She flips her hair. "Now there's three Slytherin, three Ravenclaw, and the other three who don't matter." She laughs, "My goal? Get my girl Lav to flip."
A magical elf swims in the ocean kicking their little legs before a giant shark comes and gobbles them up.
Merged Tribe
Day 11
The sun rises in the room of requirement as Lavender stretches on the beach.
"Getting the tree mail this morning, we got some paint and a big purple flag," Parvati smiles as she walks into camp with her arts and crafts.
Hermione yawns and walks over, "Oh lovely! What should we name our tribe?"
Everyone stands around trying to come up with a tribe name.
"Who's an old wizard? We should name it after an old wizard like the other four houses." Hermione says, glancing over at Dumbledore.
"Harumph, that would be a tad narcissistic, don't you think?" Albus shimmies in his robes.
"What about magic?" Ron says dumbly, and no one else cares.
"The magic tribe is my creation." He smiles, and Ron does some magic, spraying confetti over himself.
As the girls have some fun and paint, Cho throws some paint on Lavender, laughing together in a sapphic way.
"Hanging out with Cho is so much fun." Lavender blushes, "I think I might be a lesbian, oh my god, hahaha!"
Some jingly bells play as the professors convene at the well.
"Those girls are dangerous." Albus and Snape stand with their hands on their hips.
"Our best bet is to take out the linchpin player." Purring like a cat, Snape says, "once the linchpin player is gone, the rest won't know what to do."
"Now, which one of them is the glue holding it all together?" Albus smiles, almost being facetious, but he might not know. He is senile.
Meanwhile, Ron and Draco made out as Lavender rolled joints with Parvati at the disheveled shelter that most of the tribe gave up on building.
Returning from the tree mailbox, "We got money!" Ginny exclaims as she hands out bags of gold to everyone. "There was a note," she clears her throat, "Enter, stranger, but take heed of what awaits. The sin of greed for those who take but do not earn must pay most dearly in their turn."
Lavender smokes her joint and responds with, "Woah."
"If you ever watched this stupid show, it's pretty obvious what that means…" Parvati pauses for dramatic effect, "it's time for the auction! I hope I can get a shower! I smell so bad."
Immunity Challenge
Day 11
Randy stands triumphantly on the big star of David in the middle of Gringotts Bank. Leading the newly unified purple tribe, Cho smiles as she's familiar with cashing checks.
"How was the first night on a new beach, Professor Dumbledore?"
"Randy, it was truly terrible; we were hoping you would have some food for us." The rest of the tribe agreed in murmurs and grumbles.
"Well, we loaned you some wizard gold for the Survivor Auction™️. Each of you has a cool hundred to bet with." Ron whoops, and Lavender sluttily giggles. The tribe takes their seats in the middle of the bank, disrupting the wizarding economy for the day.
Griphook walks out, looking all short and stumpy with his big nose. "You may only bet in increments of ten, I say! Filthy human, I'll take it from here." Shoving Randy aside, "the first item is hidden! Betters, beware!"
"I'll start with ten," Ron says.
"Twenty." From Snape.
"Forty." Firing back and doubling… Griphook began, "going once, going twice, to the ginger boy!"
Ron hops off his seat, and Griphook reveals what he bought.
"A trip for two to an Airbnb or whatever gay scam humans run, yes, yes! Pick now, ginger!"
Feeling put on the spot, Ron stutters. Hermione, in the background, is about to go on a rant about gentrification. He spits out, "I'll take…Draco."
Dancing up and down, Griphook casts a Jewish transportation spell, and Draco and Ron disappear.
"Well, I hope those two have fun! Next item, Griphook?" Randy brings out a tray of fish and chips with a pint of beer.
"We'll start the bidding at ten for this delicious grub!"
"I'll start," Ginny raises her hand.
The rest of the cast shrugs. "Going to the chubby girl, come get it!"
Ginny claps her hands and collects her chippies. "Nom, it's so delish!"
Hermione rolls her eyes.
"A hot cauldron for two is next up!" Griphook bangs a little hammer. "Bid now!"
"Ten!" Cho raises her auction paddle.
"Twenty,"
"A hundred. My old bones need a dip in the warm water," Dumbledore unrobes, and his old dangling balls shake back and forth.
"One more spot! Continue bidding to join the geriatric man!"
"Fuck it, a hundred. Sorry, Cho." Lavender runs and jumps into the cauldron with Albus.
"No problem," she smiles fakely.
"Next up is a hidden item! Hurry, bid!" Griphook throws his arms around.
"Thirty?" Sounding unsure, Parvati raises her hand.
A few moments of silence pass, and Griphook shouts, "no competition? For shame! It goes to the pretty Indian girl." A few elves run out with a massage table and encourage her to lay down.
"Oh wow!" Parvati giggles as elves run their little hands over her back. They start rubbing her pussy as the auction marches on.
"The next item is a book and a glass of wine! Hoo hoo."
Being haughty, Hermione asks, "what book is it? I do love to read."
"It is Ayn Rand's-"
"Say no more! Take my gold!" Hermione gives her bag to Griphook.
Hermione returns to her seat with her book and begins flipping through the pages, and a small gold necklace falls into her lap.
"This changes everything!" Hermione reads the note attached to the time turner. "This is the time turner advantage. After the votes have been read, you can turn back time and have everyone vote again. When you play this advantage, you will become immune as well! The last time you can play this is when six castaways remain." She bawls up the paper and shoves the necklace into her bra. "I can't believe it! I'm so excited, but I must keep this to myself. This can not get out, and the best offense is the element of surprise!"
Randy clears his throat, "before we get to our final auction item, let's do a gold check."
"Albus and Lavender have nothing." They're cuddling together in the hot tub cauldron. "Same with Hermione," Hermione chugs her glass of wine and hums as she reads.
"Parvati has seventy pieces of gold, and Ginny has ninety. Cho and Snape haven't bought anything, and Ron and Draco are no longer here. So, here's the immunity necklace!"
Stuffing her pockets with French fries for later, Ginny blinks as Parvati moans from the massage table.
Snape flares his nostrils. "Hundred."
"I'll be joining him." Cho stands up.
"Alright, there's only one winner!" Griphook declares, "pick a magic bean, red or blue?"
Cho snatches the blue one, and Snape grumbles while eating the red one.
After a few moments, a necklace forms around Snape's neck.
"Congratulations, Snape! You are safe from tomorrow night's tribal council. The auction is now over! Get the fuck out." Randy shoos them out of the bank.
"Ugh! I walked away with nothing?" Cho throws her arms up in exasperation. "Professor Snape, you can live another day, but your days are numbered!"
Magic Tribe
Night 11
"It's crazy that the auction lasted like a whole day," Parvati says.
Dumbledore smiles, "The wizarding bank is a far way away."
"In the dead of the night was the best time to rally the girls." Cho nods as Parvati, Hermione, and Ginny walk to a clearing in the woods.
"I would like to declare the meeting of the Ravenclaw alliance plus Ginny," Parvati says as Hermione makes a poop face.
"Our targets should be between Draco and Ron; they're resting," Before Cho can finish her sentence, lightning cracks and begins dumping rain on them.
"Can we trust it?" Hermione points at Ginny with her fat finger.
Blinking at her and rolling her eyes. "Yaur, unless you want to target my bruva, then hell no."
Shivering as the rain comes harder, Parvati adds, "I don't mind Ron sticking around. He's real fit."
"I'm glad Ginny is a bigger person about Hermione being transphobic as fuck." Parvati lies in a cave seductively. "The Slithering Slytherin has had it too good in this game. It's time for that to end."
Albus and Snape cuddle in their new shelter they built as Lavender rolls herself into a ball.
"I want Hermione out. She's too stank." Albus looks Snape straight in the eye to intimidate him, but it just turns Snape on.
"Yeah, she's still borrowing my melanin without my permission. Get her out of here."
Snape shakes his head. "Is that our only option? I don't think so."
A crocodile shimmies through the Room of Requirement.
Exile Reward
Night 11
Draco and Ron arrive at the Harry Potter-inspired Airbnb. Frowning immediately, he took a tone with Ron, "I needed the immunity, bitch. What the fuck?"
"You're the only person I wanted to be alone with," Ron says as he undresses. "Let's shower, bruv,"
Draco rolls his eyes; nevertheless, they both end up naked in the shower. "You know I'm going home." Draco states as Ron overpowers his ass.
"I'm siding with Slytherin, and Ginny will listen to me. We can be the final five." Trying to encourage Draco, Ron gives him a reacharound, tugging furiously on his donger.
Instead of having a haughty retort, Draco groans as Ron's cock drills into his ass.
"You like that bitch?" Ron grabs some of Draco's blond hair.
"Harder, you poor faggot." Draco gasps as Ron bites his neck viciously.
"I'm gonna breed your bussy." Draco begins to sob as the hot shower water burns his pale skin.
After their troubling BDSM coitus, Draco and Ron cuddle in bed under the tacky Harry Potter comforter.
Kissing Ron's chest, Draco says, "We need to get revenge for Potter," Ron pats Draco's head lovingly.
"No shit, you think you can pull in Snape? He's a snobby twat."
"You doubt me? Draco Malfoy?" He scoffs.
"Do you have your dumb sister in on the plan? She's been a pain in my side."
"Gin will come around." Ron makes a determined face.
"Hopefully, my strategy of dragging Draco away from everyone will save me tonight." Looking guilty, Ron sits in the Airbnb bathroom. "I don't know if I can save Draco too."
A jovial flute plays transitionally.
Magic Tribe
Day 12
Draco and Ron magically reappear from their reward as the sun shines down on the Magic camp.
"They're back!" Ginny runs up to her brother and hugs him before whispering, "I got the plan on Draco; you're safe."
Ginny scampers away as Snape sprints over to Draco and Ron.
"Meeting in the clearing, both of you." Tossing his cape, Snape struts.
"As much as a pair of siblings worry me, they are the ticket to the final five." Albus puts his hair up into a ponytail showing his gaunt, angular face.
The four remaining men stand in a circle in the woods; Albus begins, "The girls are conspiring against you. Ronald, can you convince your sister?" Albus pulls out a never-ending trans flag from his sleeve.
"Yes, Professor."
"That's five, perfect." Snape nasally says.
Cho and Lavender tan on the beach. "So, you're okay with voting for Draco tonight?"
"Yeah, it has to happen sometime. The plan is all the girls make it to five?"
Cho nods.
"The cards all lay at my feet. This is the turning point; there's no going back. I'm probably going to decide at tribal council." Laughing maniacally, Lavender looks crazy.
Ginny's eating some rice near the campfire. Pouting until Dumbledore plops next to her. "You alright little pumpkin?"
"I'm keeping at it, thanks, professor. It feels like everyone is treating me differently." Ginny gestures at her transness.
"I have a proposition," Albus coughs, "We should work together. We're the two weakest."
Ginny takes slight offense but nods fervently.
As they're having this conversation, everyone else gathers their torches and belongings.
"If weasel taking me on a date sinks me, I will be talking to my father to send his entire inbred family to Azkaban!" Draco cracks his knuckles in entitled rage.
Hermione plays with her time turner, "If it's me tonight, which if we consult probabilities is highly likely. I'll just play my advantage." She smirks.
"Tonight is a dark night; it's over for Cho Chang. I can only hope my girls pull a stunt." Cho says as the tribe walks away from camp.
Tribal Council
Night 12
The remaining nine drudge their way into the grand hall. Randy stands there erectly. "Let's bring in our jury members, Harry and Hagrid, who were voted out at the last tribal council." Harry frowns with his clean-shaven face. Hagrid looks as homeless as ever in a tie-dye shirt.
Randy claps his hands, "did everyone enjoy the auction?" Everyone murmurs in agreement. "Big Snape walking away immune. Did you think you needed it?"
"Why yes, Mr. Marsh, those whores from Ravenclaw are dying to get rid of me."
Parvati gasps, "that's not true. We have so much to learn from our elders."
Tense silence takes over the tribal council.
"Lavender, at this stage of the game, does your criteria change for tonight's vote?" Randy asks.
"I would vote someone out if they were too much of a threat to my position in the game. So, yeah." A dramatic drum beat plays
"Is anyone a threat to your position?" Testing her non-answer, Randy presses.
"Perhaps, we'll have to see tonight." Lavender frowns.
"Some of you sound very certain. Can any of you trust any of each other in this game?"
Ginny babbles, "The game we play is not a game of chance. The odds have been stacked against some players, and I'm the only original Hufflepuffle, so I'm at a disadvantage."
Ron speaks up, "I am not sure if I trust anyone in this game anymore."
"Ron, you and Draco went off together on a reward. Are you worried that time away allowed everyone to turn against you?"
"Most definitely, Mr. Marsh," Draco says. "Those girls should be worried about another idol. A majority means nothing when the votes are canceled."
Parvati looks around paranoidly.
"Then show it to us, Draco." Cho spreads her arms wide. "I want to see it."
Draco stands up and takes out his cock. "Get a look at this." He begins helicoptering it round and round.
Randy farts disapprovingly, "It's time to vote, Ginny; you're up first."
Ginny makes a determined face as she takes a long walk to the goblet room, "Die cis scum!" She says triumphantly as she votes.
Snape votes and snarls.
"You're the biggest threat," Cho writes [Draco].
Drawing some curly calligraphy, Albus places his vote into the goblet.
"Following orders, but you are an annoying twat." Draco frowns and stomps away.
"You disgust me." Coughing and sputtering, Hermione says.
Ron frowns, "sorry, love."
Parvati chuckles, "Your cock isn't that big."
Taking her time, Lavender sighs, "This has been the hardest vote by far, I don't want to do this, but if I want to win the money, I need to."
Lavender returns to her seat and locks eyes with Cho, who nods her head.
Randy retrieves the votes, "If any of you have an idol and want to play it, now is the time to do so."
Draco laughs, and no one else stands. Cho grins wildly. Hermione nods and says, "good."
"Okay, first vote,"
[Parvati]
"What?" Parvati gasps.
Randy continues with the next vote.
[Parvati]
Cho breathes a sigh of relief.
[Draco]
Randy quickly flips the next vote.
[Draco]
"That's my handwriting." Ginny makes a stank point.
"That's two votes, Draco, two votes for Parvati."
[Draco]
[Parvati]
"We've tied again." Hermione shakes her head. Snape frowns.
[Parvati]
Hagrid gasps at Parvati's fourth vote.
[Draco]
"We are all tied up with one vote left."
Dramatic music plays as Draco rolls his eyes, Parvati clenches, and Lavender covers her face.
"And the eleventh person voted out and the third member of our jury,"
[Parv]
Parvati gets up and hugs Cho and then Hermione.
"I didn't even bring my bag! What the hell." She laughs, but it's obvious she is not happy.
"Parvati, the tribe has spoken." She nods and walks out of the grand hall.
"A razor-thin margin could have just doomed half of you sitting here. Only two of you will have a chance to win over the jury. I hope you remember that; head on out. I'll see you tomorrow." Randy ends the ceremony, and the Magic tribe departs, with Ginny looking nauseous.
"That was a total blindside! Good luck, Cho!" Parvati smiles while she sits at the elimination train station.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR
Cho snarling, "that fucking scoundrel,"
The game turns personal at the immunity challenge. Ginny cries, and Ron yells at Dumbledore.
Lavender tries her best to win back the girls. "You can trust me," Hermione makes an incredulous face.
"Only a few more votes, young death eater prince," Snape drones and plants a kiss on Draco's neck.
Votes
Parvati: Draco, Snape, Ron, Albus, Lavender
Draco: Cho, Hermione, Parvati, Ginny