Randy's sitting at dinner with Voldemort and his judies, "Last time on Survivor…"
"The heat from tribal council followed into camp; Albus, Lav, and Hermione all threatened each other." Lucius Malfoy nods at this information.
"The challenge was some gay, drink some shit random winner." Albus teleports to his win. "Voldemort came back to life after being exorcized off Neville's taint." Voldemort giggles as Miss Charity Burbage floats into the room.
"Hermione and Lavender were poisoned at the challenge, and Lavender developed vitiligo and a final two with a past enemy." Hermione serving cunt in a hospital bed.
"At tribal council, Cho was targeted for being sent back to camp by herself and for being suspected of having an idol. However, the girls and big gay Dumbledore decided that Ron and Ginny's prior relationship was too dangerous, and Ron was blindsided with four votes." Ron walks out of the Grand Hall.
"Six remain. Who will be voted out tonight?"
"Nagini…dinner," coos Voldemort as Nagini gobbles up Miss Charity.
Magic Tribe
Night 14
As the tribes walk back into camp, Draco grabs Lavender by the wrist.
"I guess this girl doesn't want to win." Draco pouts in the night vision lens.
"Draco, I need you to be real with me for a minute."
"Me? Be real? We had it all wrapped up. We vote out the two Ravenclaws and send Ginny home in fifth place. We had an easy way to the end."
"I didn't trust Ron not to take me out!"
"Well, now I'm going next, and you're handing the game to Chang and Granger. Good job, dumb whore," Draco dramatically stomps away.
"Draco trippin' his boy toy was taking him to the final two. We all know the final immunity is endurance based, and they have been fucking alll night, all day, twenty-four-seven. Anyway, I would have lost." Lavender wraps herself in a blanket.
A soft piano plays as Ginny walks along the beach alone.
"They got my brother. This is so doomed." Ginny cries in her Hogwarts blazer. "No more, Ms. Nice Ginny anymore. I'm blowing up everyone's shit."
Cho sits at the dying campfire as thunder cracks in the sky, threatening to rain.
Walking over to her, Ginny begins, "I wasn't going to vote for my brother, so I'm not going to apologize."
"That's fine, Ginny. I didn't expect you to. I don't know why you had to write my name down."
"You think you're so smart, Cho. You're not taking me to the final two, so cut the bullshit."
"Well yeah, if my brother, if I had one, were here, I wouldn't get rid of him either. Admit that you had an unfair advantage."
Hermione emerges from the jungle after taking an enormous shit. "I wouldn't waste my breath on that groomer."
"Hermione, go fuck yourself." Ginny spits a little.
"I knew after burning her brother that there was no way that Ginny would forgive me, and like I would want that anyway. I don't need her to win." Hermione feeds Crookshanks some cat food far away from camp.
"I don't want to engage with this disgusting man. No wonder she broke the girl alliance." Hermione crosses her arms
"Bitch you mean Lavender? I'm not the only one here with a final two."
"Ugh, Ginny's probably right. I knew Albus and Lav would agree on Ron only; targeting Ginny or Draco would have just knocked me out." Cho diplomatically flips her hair.
"Whatever he/she, I'm going to bed."
"Yeah, get some beauty sleep, you ogress." Ginny leaves in a huff.
Cho narrowed her eyes, "We might need her vote, you know."
Heading to the shelter, Hermione says over her shoulder, "Do we? Can't we eradicate the bloodline?"
Cho sighs and follows her to bed.
"I had a feeling that some of the students would be upset with me, so I snuck away, but an owl delivered to me with six keys. How queer. The mail reads, 'Drive back baby to me, fast in your car. I'm here waiting, crash (crash) into me real hard!' I wonder what it means."
Immunity Challenge
Day 15
"Come in, everyone," Randy is now rocking a death eater tattoo on his face. "Albus, I'm gonna need the necklace back, and I see you have the keys."
Albus walks over, "I'll get it back."
Hermione chuckles, "You sure about that old man?"
He frowns, and Randy jingles the six keys, "I'll be right back,"
"Didn't somebody die in a car crash last season?" Asking Cho scratches her head.
Shrugging, Ginny yawns.
"BeepBeepHonkHonk," Randy slams a car into the whomping willow. "What's good, gamers? Welcome to the car immunity challenge. You must not crash your car while flying around this big gay ass tree. To win, you'll need to boogity boogity book it to avoid the yuge tree branches and each other. The last car still running and in the air will win immunity." Randy throws car keys at the final six, "Draw for cars and get behind the wheel."
Thematic car keys fly into the air as a transition.
"Three, two, one, go!"
The six contestants scrambled to their respective cars to get behind the wheel quickly. Draco drew the shiniest car, a red and gold convertible that looked like a faggot used to own it. Lavender and Hermione ended up with clunky old pedo vans, while Cho and Ginny got a sleek black sports car and a bright pink Mini Cooper.
"I feel like Barbie," Ginny honks her horn.
Albus was the last to get behind the wheel of his Tesla, his hands shaking as he inserted the key. His vision was blurry as fuck, and the thought of crashing into the whomping willow made him feel sick.
Randy's voice boomed through the forest, "And they're off! Draco is in the front, followed closely by Cho and Ginny. Ron and Hermione struggle to keep up while Albus lags behind."
Albus gritted his teeth and stepped on the accelerator, willing his death trap to go faster. The willow tree loomed ahead.
Branches were swaying menacingly, threatening to knock the cars down to the ground. The contestants were screaming, their voices reverberating through the forest. Lavender's van took a sharp turn, barely avoiding a branch that would have surely knocked her out.
Draco swerves around the branches. Ginny was right behind him, her pink Mini Cooper zooming quickly ahead. Albus tried to catch up, but he was too slow and old, and he was too pussy to be an aggressive driver. He could see Hermione struggling in reverse in the rearview mirror.
Suddenly, a branch hit Hermione's van, making it swerve out of control. The van spun around, barely missing the willow tree, before crashing into a boulder. The sound of shattering glass stifled Hermione's scream.
Randy's voice boomed through the forest again, "We have a casualty, folks! Hermione is out."
"I'm gonna merge three lanes. Good luck everybody else!" Cho cuts off Lavender, and they both crash into the ground.
"Girl, what the hell, use your blinkers!" Lavender crawls out of her car.
"I could hear your left turn signal. I didn't think you would be right next to me!" Cho has a cut under her right eye, making her look extra sexy.
Ginny is driving recklessly, but she's easily dodging the whomping willow.
"Five minutes into the immunity challenge, and we're already down to three people," Randy's voice booms again.
"I think Ginny has this one in the bag," Lavender says, checking her fingernails.
Draco grits his teeth, attempting to catch up to Ginny's pink car.
"I'm sorry," Albus mumbles to nobody in particular.
"This is for Ron!" Draco speeds up to try and make Ginny crash.
Ginny smiles, turning on her radio.
"Ginny is staying strong!" Randy announces.
Her radio is playing "The Ending" by Hannah Diamond. Ginny bops her head, getting distracted. "This song slaps."
"Ginny, look out!" Hermione's voice booms through the forest.
Ginny tries to steer out of the way, but it's useless. Before any of them realized what was happening, Draco had cut her off, sending her crashing into the willow.
"Oh my god," Lavender gasped, her mouth agape.
"It's down to Albus and Draco! Who will crash first?" Randy rubs his nipples at all the cars crashing, getting aroused.
Albus clenches his fists, his knuckles turning white as his car darts around the willow tree.
"I kind of want to see if Ginny's okay," Lavender says, "But like, I also want Draco to win."
Cho makes a stank face at Lavender while Hermione curls up into a ball.
Albus focused on not crashing, the willow branches hitting his car harder than before.
Draco closes his eyes and takes off his seat belt.
"Draco is taking his foot off the gas," Randy points out, "But it's too late."
He immediately slammed on the break. His car spun out of control, barely missing an oncoming branch. He was thrown out of the car and into the whomping willow.
"We have a winner!" Randy roars, "Professor Dumbledore!"
Dumbledore descends and pops out all like, "The dickens, I can't believe I beat you whippersnappers!"
"I threw that challenge," Draco says as he's getting checked out by medical, "I don't want to have to win the next three challenges. I think I can get the votes." He winces at the antiseptic applied to the wounds on his legs.
"Congrats on winning a second immunity in a row. You have a one-in-five shot at winning the grand prize." Randy pats Dumbledore on the back and places the necklace around him. "Now here's your reward, that Tesla that survived? It's yours."
"Oh my god." Albus begins tearing up, "I needed a new car."
Feeling emotional, Lavender grabs her chest.
"And I'd imagine you'd like to drive your new car to a delicious picnic!"
"I'm so hungry." Ginny grabs her bloated stomach.
Randy gives Albus a sly grin, "You have room for two people in the backseat. Who are you taking with you on this delicious reward?"
"I had to be strategic about this. This could guarantee my spot in the final three." Albus obviously sitting at the picnic and having already made his decision.
"I'm bringing Lavender and Draco."
"Firstly, I need to repair my relationship with Miss Brown, and secondly, she needs to not flip on Draco this vote. Those girls are much more dangerous."
"Me?" Lavender gasps, and Draco just smirks as they get into the car.
"Alright, Cho, Hermione, Gin, got nothing for you. Head back to camp. I'll see all of you tonight, as one of you will not make the final five."
"Professor Dumbledore had to ruin everything." Hermione's head is firmly down as the girls walk away from the challenge. "It's fine. I'll let Cho think for me."
Reward
Day 15
"I brought you two here for a reason." Gruffly, Albus slammed his foot on the accelerator to their magic picnic waiting for them.
"Why's that?" Acting suspicious, Lavender looks out her window as they drive past London Bridge, going down like Londi Londi.
"He wants us to split up the Ravenclaws," Draco says through his teeth.
Looking despondent and dissociated in the car, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish those poor tossers Potter and Weasley were in the back with me giving me mad sloppy toppy. Those petulant girls got rid of them. Women's rights have gone too far."
The car descends to a grassy knoll with a picnic. Ham sandwiches and alcohol peeks out of a basket.
"I'm so excited to eat. I'm so hungry!"
"Trying to stall this discussion because I need to convince them to vote for Ginny." Lavender sitting with some crackers in her hand, popping one into her mouth.
The group of three finds themselves unwinding and basking in the sun's warmth as they settle onto a soft, cozy plaid blanket.
"This cheese is scrumptious." Albus getting some crumbs on his beard.
Popping open a bottle of wine, Draco drinks from the bottle, "So what's the plan for the vote? Unless you're done with me, Lavender."
"I would prefer if Ginny went tonight." Lavender looks away wistfully.
Coughing at this, Albus raises his eyebrows. "I will not have that."
"Yeah, me either. It's either that annoying muggle or that annoying Chinese girl."
"Of course, they're being stubborn. Like damn, they can't agree to vote out the one person I am not aligned with?" Making an annoyed face, Lavender makes her cameraman laugh.
"Miss Brown, I promise this move will benefit you greatly." Trying to persuade her, Albus unfurls his robe and lies down.
As the conversation continues, some pigeons attack them. Draco pulls out his wand and kills them all with a spell.
Magic Tribe
Day 15
"I thought me and Professor Dumbledore had a deal. I guess he doesn't care about me anymore." Frowning, Ginny takes a nearby rock and jams it into her thigh.
The sun shimmers on their camp as Cho stretches.
"Proposing a deal to Ginny could backfire, but I have to try. Losing Hermione here would be awful." A dramatic shot of Cho walking up to Ginny.
Cho coos, beginning to massage Ginny's broad shoulders, "We can vote out Draco tonight. All girls final four."
Shivering as Cho digs into a knot in her shoulder, Ginny moans, "We could."
Hermione watches them from a distance, holding a tit in transphobia.
"What is she even trying to do? Working with that thing is the last thing I want to do. We can convince Lavender and stupid Malfoy to vote for her." Hermione says and makes a stank face.
Cho and Ginny disperse.
"I could probably campaign to Hermione or whatever, but I don't really care about her vote." Ginny laughs as she walks to the well.
"Hey girls, they're back!" Cho calls out as Albus, Draco, and Lavender, all return to camp.
"How was the picnic?" Ginny asks with a pointed tone.
"Lovely," Grunting as Albus sits furiously near the campfire that Cho works on.
"I need to talk to Ginny before we head off tonight." Albus somehow looks older as the sun sets on him.
A few minutes before production herds them to the grand hall Cho and Hermione double team Lavender.
"We can do Draco or Ginny; it's your call." Cho places a supportive hand on Lavender's tan shoulder.
"I want Ginny! I hate her. I mean him." Hermione spits in the dirt.
"I suggested that idea, but it was rejected," Lavender explains.
Hermione suggests with an eager look. "We could still try it out, though,"
"It might end up being too complicated and tying," Cho cautions. "I'll pull a rock for you ladies."
"Me too," Nodding enthusiastically, Lavender blinks as the scene transitions.
Draco lounges shirtless in the shelter as Ginny asks for instructions from Dumbledore.
"Okay, I am so down for that," Ginny says as she grabs her torch.
"I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going home tonight," Voiceover of Ginny leading the Magic tribe away from camp. "Hope Cho's keeping her word."
"I feel like I can shake up the game tonight. I just hope no idols come out tonight." Dragging her feet through the sand, Lavender says, walking behind Ginny.
"If the votes land on me, we're looking at a reeeee-set!" Acting haughty and placing the time turner around her neck, Hermione cheeses at the camera.
Tribal Council
Night 15
The final six all enter the grand hall dragging their torches behind them.
"Let's bring in our jury members, Harry, Hagrid, Parvati, Snape, and the newest member, Ron." Ron, looking spiffy in a tight t-shirt, smiles at the castaways.
Randy sits pompous, "So Dumbledore, you won again. How does that feel? And is anyone as surprised as me?"
"I'm glad to win again. I think everyone here underestimates me because of being old. Can't believe the host is also shocked."
Hermione chirps, "I thought I would have won something by now."
"For everyone else, you have a twenty percent chance of going home. Who here is worried tonight?"
All five vulnerable people raise their hands. Snape flares his nostrils from the jury.
"Wow! Everyone?"
"Mr. Marsh, I think you might be seeing rocks tonight." Cho brushes her hair as she lowers her hand.
Harry's mouth is agape.
"So this tribe is split down the middle, eh?"
"Professor Dumbledore drew a line in the sand when he chose those two for the reward." Stankly crossing her legs, Ginny speaks.
"I think Miss Weasley might have a naive view of the game. Anyone could lie and write someone else down once they get to the goblet."
Hermione nods at this.
"Big reaction from you, Hermione. Are you telling the truth?" Randy prods messily.
"I am loyal to the people I promised my loyalty to."
"Interesting. With everyone feeling antsy, this is the last round to use an idol."
Ginny looks super shook for some reason.
Randy says, "Let's see who's right about being in danger, Draco. You're up first."
Jaunting up to the goblet room, Draco is shirtless, and his cadaver pale skin reflects on the flames.
Cho frowns as she opens up the pen.
Sighing heavily, Lavender makes a decision.
Albus coughs on his vote.
"You're the biggest threat," Ginny says as the camera shows her back rolls.
"Bye." Hermione pulls out her time turner. "Hope I get to play this. Trolled."
She returns to her seat.
Randy nods, his chest hair looking more prominent out of his shirt. "I'll go tally the votes."
Randy's walking back with the giant goblet in his hands.
"If anyone has a hidden immunity idol and wants to play it, this is your last chance."
All eyes shift towards Cho.
Crickets chirp.
"Okay, I'll read the first vote,"
Lavender gulps.
[Draco]
"Wow." He responds as Randy flips over the next vote succinctly.
[Draco]
"Two votes for Draco."
Ron shakes his head from the jury.
"Next vote,"
[Cho]
"What?" Hermione asks, and Cho puts her head into her lap.
[Cho]
"Two votes for Draco, two votes for Cho, two votes left."
[Cho]
Parvati gasps super hard as Randy starts again,
"The fourteenth person voted out, and the sixth member of our jury,"
[Cho]
Ron flashes a thumbs up at Ginny, and she grins.
"Cho, I'm going to need your torch." She gets up and hugs Hermione only to wordlessly retrieve her torch with a blue feather on it.
"The tribe has spoken," Randy snuffs her torch with his wand, "time for you to go."
She turns to the final five, "It hurts," and places her hands on her heart before peacing out.
Randy sighs, "Only five remain. We'll see who you can trust tomorrow, head on out."
Draco smiles wide as the Magic Tribe returns to the Room of Requirement.
Lavender begins to cry as she trails behind.
"She didn't even tie it," Cho's hair whips wildly in the wind while waiting for the Hogwarts Express, "I think we could have scared Ginny into flipping. I would rather stand out here because of a rock than her turning on me." She starts to sob. "Why?"
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR…
Randy greets them, "Welcome to Sirius Black's house that I stole in the housing crash."
"This is my island bitch," Hemione laughs as she sits in a tree.
"Everything can change at the last second. I'm so scared," Ginny says, curling up into a ball, grabbing her thick legs in knee-high socks.