Author's Note:
Since my trip to Florida threw me off schedule, I had to write yet another throwaway chapter, with the amount of time I had at my disposal...but don't be scared, this chapter still adheres to the main plot line at hand. You just won't be seeing the main characters featured at all. On to the reviews...
"Can you include the characters from Disgaea? (Since the first game is getting a remake on the Switch) a scene with Nabbit and Ravio? Is Aerith really going to leave for good? Are Aku Aku and Uka Uka's appearances based on their orginal or Crash of the Titans look? And finally, what are your thoughts on the upcoming Death Battle of Sora vs Pit?"
Sure. Definitely. Won't be saying anything about Aerith. Their apperances are based on the original games. And as for the Death Battle between Sora and Pit...Sora would win handily. Dude's got all the Keyblades and magic in the world to come out victorious. Here's Derick Lindsey, with his question of the day:
"Poor Cloud having to deal with Aerith leaving soon but hey he doesn't have to deal with Sora so that's a plus right?"
Yeah, you could say that...Aerith and Sora leaving will be bittersweet. I will miss displaying Aerith's interactions with Cloud and several other characters, and I will miss making Sora look silly and dumb just as much...wait, maybe I shouldn't have said that...oh well.
Episode 122: Urbosa
Toon Link: In the criminal justice system, offences outside of Smash battles are considered especially heinous. In Seattle, at the Smash Mansion, the dedicated police officers who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the LPU, the Link Patrol Unit. These are their stories.
Young Link: DUN DUUUUN!
For the first time since episode 93, the main players of the Smash Mansion were absent from the establishment. And each of them had their own justified reason.
Mario, the soon-to-be father, took Peach to the hospital after his wife was dealing with a few pregnancy complications. Link, the famed hero of Hyrule, rode his truck Epona to Spokane for some archery practice. Cloud, unnerved by the news he received from Aerith, would travel around Washington on his motorcycle "to keep his mind off of things". Sonic, the suddenly paranoid hedgehog, followed Berkut and Rinea to the grocery store. Pit, still on the Pikachu Day bandwagon, ventured with Kirby outside of the mansion to spread awareness about the day. And Fox and Falco, the heads of Star Records, did some scouting in Seattle for Touma's superhero show, Force Five.
Speaking of Force Five, the teaser for the show did better than expected, as it reeled in more than a million views online. This gaudy viewership was the green light Touma needed to continue his show, as the redhead was now dying to start filming his pilot. As you would believe, Touma was overly dedicated to his show - in fact, he was so darn dedicated, that he refused to take off his superhero suit. In fact, he instructed his co-stars - Itsuki, Tsubasa, Kiria, and Yashiro - not to take off their suits as well!
"Touma, can I PLEASE take off this suit, it's too tight!" Tsubasa pleaded to Touma, who was in the fitness center working out in his red suit like it was nothing. Dude was gonna feel really sweaty after a while. "Why can't we take off our suits, ever?"
"Because, silly Tsubasa, we're heroes!" replied Touma, running on the treadmil feeling like he was the Flash. All this superhero stuff was really going to his head... "When the Teen Titans are done saving Jump City from trouble, do you see them take off their costumes after a hard day's work? I think not!"
"That's because they're cartoon characters...they have much more leeway than we have. A very terrible example, if I do say so yourself. I can't possibly go outside in public ever again with a suit like this!"
"Not unless you wear your helmet to conceal your identity, like any other rational person would do. I've did it before, so why can't you?" Tsubasa looked up at the heavens in disbelief, and rolled her eyes as she walked away from Touma, not wishing to entertain the redhead anymore. Clearly there were a few screws loose inside of Touma's head, if they weren't loose already.
After leaving the fitness center, and running away from Touma's newfound delusion, Tsubasa opted to chill out in the lounge, where she would find momentary solace before Touma annoyed her again. On her way there, she smelt a rather strange smell from afar - smelt like a dead person was nearby. Smelt like rotten fruit. Tsubasa would follow this peculiar scent to a room, which had a door creaked open slightly. Tsubasa would enter this room out of her utter curiosity, and took a peek inside...
...and immediately found herself gasping, with her hands to her face.
Elsewhere in the mansion, Toon Link and Young Link were in their office, inspecting a baseball rather seriously. It was a dirty golf ball; looked like it was found in the backyard, dug up by some dog.
"Saw this baseball inside the mansion, in the foyer near some broken window..." explained Toon Link, the fellow who saw the baseball in the first place. The way he was holding the ball in his hand, he was acting like it was something illegal and dangerous, like he had to dispose of it immediately. "...someone is definitely trying to kill us.
"It has to be the hometown team, the Seattle Mariners - only they would think of committing such a vicious crime," presumed Young Link, feeling like no further investigation was required. "They must be doing this because we never attended their baseball games! That has to be the only logical explanation...we should interrogate every baseball player on the team when we get the chance. Front office staff and personnel included."
Toon Link: Our investigation of Berkut and Dark Pit has been pretty tame so far - neither criminal has done anything that gives away the impression that they're serious about assassinating Alm. It has been mysteriously quiet...or perhaps Berkut and Dark Pit know that we're spying on them, and are only acting innocent to lower any hair-raising suspicions about them.
Young Link: It's hard not to see through their acts of innocence. Berkut claiming that he's a "changed man" after marrying Rinea? Blatant lies. And Dark Pit saying that he's "doing fine" after his breakup with Flora? No man has ever said such words while recovering from a broken heart. Berkut and Dark Pit can lie through their teeth all they want, but one day they'll reap what they sow...
"This must also be a long con extended from Mario and Peach's wedding..." added Young Link, furrowing his brow and scratching his chin in thought. "...the Mariners were salty that the wedding didn't have a happy ending, and so they went out and tried to attack us! They're just like the Four Seasons hotel - hating us for things we had no knowledge of! If throwing a baseball at the mansion is just a start, then I shudder to think what else this wretched baseball team has up their sleeves..."
A sudden knock was at the door, and it was an urgent knock - Toon Link and Young Link had no time to waste. The buddy cops would rush to the door, fighting to see who would open it - in a game of rock-paper-scissors. After his scissors beat Young Link's paper, Toon Link would open the door, seeing Tsubasa carrying Lucas in his arms.
"Sorry to disturb you two, but I think there's something terribly wrong with Lucas..." said Tsubasa, as the buddy cops let the idol singer in their office. Tsubasa would place Lucas gently on the floor; the PSI whiz's eyes were closed, as the side of his head rested against the floor. "I think he might be..."
"...dead?!" Toon Link would finish for Tsubasa, although that clearly wasn't the right answer. "Oh boy, this can't be good...we would bring Lucas back to life, but we're not experts in this kind of stuff. Someone like Pit or even Lady Palutena would know how to..."
"Lucas is NOT dead...I think someone knocked him out and tossed him inside a random room." For the sake of excitement, Toon Link and Young Link wished Lucas was dead instead. "I saw him in this room, by himself, and he had a fairly sweet and chemical-like smell to him."
"Have you ever smelt anything fairly sweet and chemical-like before? If not, then I'm not sure if we can believe you...but Lucas does reek, which is a clue that something is wrong with him. Allow Hutch and I to fully inspect our victim..."
Toon Link and Young Link knelt down at Lucas' side, as Young Link turned Lucas' head to face the ceiling and Toon Link checked for a pulse. The buddy cop had his fingers pressed against Lucas' throat, and he felt a beat...
"I can feel a pulse...an albeit faint pulse, but a pulse nonetheless," confirmed Young Link, before pressing his right ear against Lucas' chest. "And he's breathing too, but that is faint as well. He could be faking his own death, to prank his best friend Ness. Yet he hasn't reacted at all...this guy must be a pro. Could've honed his craft, for all we know."
"Is there a way that you can like, bring Lucas back to his senses?" asked a concerned Tsubasa, with her hands clasped together near her chest. While she felt like the Links could revive Lucas, she also feared that they would do something that might impact the poor PSI whiz, in a negative way.
"Yes, in fact, there is a way - you can be the one to revive Lucas. It's simple, really - all you have to do is tell Lucas that he has your purse, and that you don't know him." This was evidently rocket science to Tsubasa, who made a very confused face.
"Um...how is that supposed to do anything, when Lucas can't even hear me?" If only Tsubasa knew the battle cry that made Lucas feared by everyone, for one episode of Smash Life.
"Just kick him in the nuts, that oughta wake him up." Tsubasa walked over to Lucas, and looked down at him; he would kick the PSI whiz, but Lucas was so sweet and charming. By no means was he deserving of a groin kick. She couldn't bring herself to do it.
"Showing some reluctance, Tsubasa?" Young Link asked the idol singer, sensing how nervous she was. "It's not that hard - just kick Lucas in his nuts, and get it over with! One minute, he'll be like, 'AAAAAAUGH AAAAAAH AUUUUUGH'...and the next, he'll feel fine, like he never felt any pain at all. You're just overthinking it Tsuabasa, and sometimes overthinking can be unhealthy on your mind. Let Starsky and I do the honors for you..."
"No, I won't let you do it!" Tsubasa quickly stood in front of the buddy cops, preventing them from stepping near Lucas. "Someone as sweet as Lucas does not deserve to be in any agonizing pain. Are you sure you can't find another method?""There may be another method out there...but we'll have to find it first. Or maybe we'll find an antidote. Yeah, that's what we'll do - we'll go search for an antidote for Lucas, and hopefully we can find the culprit responsible for Lucas' current condition along the way. Every single person in this mansion must be interrogated."
Tsubasa: Never in a million years would I EVER harm Lucas, not even if he...You're telling me that he once went around kicking people in the crotch? As an act of self-defense?...And he had a battle cry, too? Was was it?...Wow, I had no idea Lucas owned a purse...he might be even more girly than I am!
Another week, another mysterious gift delivered to the mansion - and this time around, Bowser managed to get his hands on it before anyone else could. This week's gift was a large pot of stew, which Bowser said was called Stupendous Stew. The koopa king would take this pot of stew to the kitchen, placing it on the stove and taking up much of the stove space. Much to Dunban's chagrin.
"Bowser your pot of stew has taken up all the space on the stove, and now I won't be able to cook tonight's dinner..." Dunban scolded the koopa king, as every eye on the stove was turned up to ten. "...also, do you need to have the stove dials all the way up? We don't need another fire in this mansion!"
"Wow Dunban, you're such a wuss, crying this and that about some stupid fire..." remarked Bowser, as he took a sample of the Stupendous Stew. "If you ask me, this stew should be tonight's dinner, it'll be better than what crap you're planning to feed us tonight."
"But yet a while ago you said that nobody will even eat the stew...so if that's the case, then who is the stew for? Saving it for a potential date in the future? Did you find yourself another girlfriend already?"
"No I haven't...but I'm just waiting for her to find me. I would be aggressive and find the chick myself, but when you're me, and have been heartbroken so many times, sometimes you gotta just take a step back, and wait for your significant other to leap into your arms, and embrace you with love and kindness. You're too scared to get it on with Sharla, so you wouldn't know what I'm talking about."
"Maybe I wouldn't know because you're..." Dunban suddenly stopped when he realized what Bowser said, and he stared at the koopa king with much contempt. "You're...you're not the one who started the whole shipping thing with Sharla and I, are you?"
"Ew, yuck, people actually ship you with Sharla? Let alone any chick, for that matter?! It's almost like people have literally nothing better to do with their lives. That's what's wrong with today's present times...people have so much time on their hands that they're throwing their lives down the gutter. They'd rather risk their livelihoods by living in their own fantasy world, and complain and moan and gripe when they don't get their way! It's one of the main reasons why millienials these days stink!"
"Done with your rant, King Bowser?" Dunban would ask the koopa after he was done, and Bowser nodded after cooling off. "Good...now take your stupid pot of stew so I can resume cooking dinner. Those ribs and hamburgers aren't going to cook themselves, you know!"
"We're gonna eat ribs? And burgers? In the middle of April?! Calm down Dunban, it's not even Memorial Day yet! Or the 4th of July! I understand that you want to make as much junk food as possible, to make everyone in the mansion fat - and trust me, I'd do the same, seeing a guy like Link having a pot belly would make for some great blackmail material. But still, hold your horses...we're gonna get to the fun stuff soon..."
Dunban: Cilan has a lot of meat loaded up in the mansion's pantry, and so I'm cooking it all and feeding it to all the residents. Everyone except for Doc Louis, that is...I've read in a health magazine that black folks who eat too much meat might accrue pancreatic cancer, and I can't afford to take a risk with Doc at all. The guy would only continue chocolate in the hopes that it would cure his cancer, anyways. But I wonder...should I disallow Knuckles from consuming meat as well?
"FREEZE SUCKAS!" shouted Toon Link, as he and Young Link jumped into the kitchen, with their bow and arrows armed. Dunban and Bowser took sight of the two buddy cops, with their hands up in the air. Well, for Dunban, he only had one hand up in the air. "Oh man, that actually worked...I was honestly expecting to get jumped. I deserve a pat on the back for this..."
"No worries Starsky, I got you," Young Link said as he patted Toon Link on the back, before spotting Bowser slowly putting his hands back down. "Hands back up in the air where we can see them, turtle man!" Young Link shouted at Bowser, who immediately did as he was told.
"Aw c'mon, my arms were getting tired!" complained Bowser, although he wasn't holding them in the air for that long. His arms must be tired from flailing them about. Or maybe that only applied to Paper Bowser... "Just get your business over with, so I can go back to cooking my delicious stew!"
"Delicious stew, as in the stew on the stove?" asked Toon Link, potting at the pot of stew on the stove. Bowser watched the Hylian very cautiously, as he went over to the stove. "Mind if we borrow a sample of this stew, for some, well I don't know...research?"
"No can do buddy - nobody is allowed to touch the stew, let alone taste it. I would've also prohibited anyone from looking at the stew, but that would require way too much work and patience. Not kind out for that kind of stuff. So you can look...but you can't touch! Great, now I have that stupid song stuck in my head again..."
"How about we touch...but can't look?" suggested Young Link, trying to find a loophole around what Bowser said. However, it did not work, as Bowser and Dunban looked at one another with confused faces. "Not sure if that would work..."
"Yea, and when you knock over that pot of stew onto the kitchen floor, I'll have to kill the both of you...so don't take that risk. Though I wouldn't mind if you did, I wouldn't mind killing someone. Now can you PLEASE continue your little investigation or whatever elsewhere? My arms feel like they're about to fall asleep!"
"Something must be terribly wrong with the blood circulation in your arms..." Dunban had this to say to Bowser, before an arrow was fired at his knee, making him fall down. This arrow came from Toon Link. "Ow, what was that for, I didn't do anything!"
"That's for only having one hand up - doing that when interrogated by a Seattle police officer would get you killed," replied Toon Link; most police officers weren't THAT extreme. "Your paralyzed arm excuse has little to no effect on us. Now answer our question...what did you do to Lucas?"
"I didn't do anything to Lucas, haven't spoken to him ever since breakfast. If your investigation is centered around Lucas, then I'm afraid that I can't..." Dunban suddenly yelped in pain, as Toon Link fired yet another arrow, this one at Dunban's paralyzed arm. "Seriously, my paralyzed arm?! What was that for?!"
"For withholding vital information - the fact that you spoke with Lucas in some capacity means that you must be aware of what happened to Lucas. You must know the culprit responsible for rendering Lucas unconscious, and leaving him to die in an unused room of the mansion!"
"Someone left Lucas for dead?" asked an astonished Bowser, who apparently was unable to feel his arms anymore at this point. "Why is someone doing all the evil, wretched stuff before I do? Hoo boy, if I find out that the guy responsible is Cortex...I'd hate to be outdone by that freaky nerd, with his gigantic chrome dome!"
Bowser: Cortex has been ranting this and that about his so-called villain decay, and it has got me wondering...am I undergoing villain decay? Let's see...I've yet to kill Mario, I've yet to build another dastardly castle, and my luck with the ladies hasn't been stellar. Everybody knows a great villain needs to get down with the ladies. But on the flipside, Mario hasn't kicked my butt in a long time, and I've yet to be thrown into a pit of lava. Gotta wonder how I survived those incidents - Kamek must be the one bringing me back to life.
"That is why we need a sample of your stew, in the hopes that it could be the antidote to revive Lucas," stated Young Link, looking at the pot of Stupendous Stew and dying to get just a taste of it. "We would ask Ashley, but she's not too keen on giving away her potions for free...you might be our only hope, Bowser."
"Sorry Young Link, but you're gonna have to find some help from somebody else," apologized Bowser, in the most sincere way possible. With the most sincerity a villain like him could muster. "Like I said, the stew, the Stupendous Stew, is off-limits. I'm saving as much of the stew as I can for something special in the future. Not sure when this special thing will transpire, but I've kept my fingers crossed that it will happen very, very soon. Also kept my toes crossed too, just to speed things up. Can I please put my arms back down now, please?"
"It appears as if our work is done here...you can let your arms back down if you like, Bowser." Bowser would let out a heavy sigh of relief, as his put his arms back down at his side. The blood circulation should be back to normal again. "But before we can leave..." Young Link looked around, looking all suspicious and shady...before firing an arrow at Dunban, nailing the Homs in his thigh for he and Toon Link ran off at the speed of light.
"Young Link...Toon Link...one of these days, I'll get you two!" vowed Dunban, before collapsing unto the floor. Bowser would ignore the Homs entirely, as he tended to his pot of Stupendous Stew.
Why was Proto Man back in the teleportation room yet again? Honestly, the robot wasn't so sure. He almost felt like that he had to be in the teleportation room, given how the recent episodes played out. He felt like warping another Champion to the mansion was almost obligatory, no matter the purpose. Thankfully for Proto Man, there was only one remaining Champion left, and this Champion has never even appeared in the mansion once! Would be quite the culture shock for...
"FREEZE SUCKA!" shouted Toon Link as he and Young Link entered the teleportation room, alerting Proto Man who was dozing off. "Haha, it has worked yet again! I should make that my new catchphrase...Hylia knows I an awesome police officer like myself needs one. You too, Hutch."
"Shut up, shut up, don't say more, I know why you're here - shut up and let me handle this!" exclaimed the now crazed Proto Man, already heading over to the teleportation device. Toon Link and Young Link looked on with some confusion, as Proto Man keyed in the coordinates on the teleportation device like his life depended on it. After today, Proto Man might not have to worry about using the device ever again...
Finally, after Proto Man keyed in the coordinates and whatnot, the fourth and final Champion was warped unto the teleportation pad. It was a Gerudo, a chieftain of their own race, and the pilot of the Divine Beast Vah Naboris...this Champion was none other than Urbosa, who was more formally addressed as Lady Urbosa.
"Well this certainly doesn't look like Gerudo Town..." remarked Urbosa, analyzing her surroundings like how the Champions before her did. She looked down at Toon Link, Young Link, and Proto Man, taking a good deal of interest in the three of them. "Ah, I see some voe standing in my presence...cute little voe at that. Whatever this place is, it must be diverse..."
Proto Man: That Gerudo chick thinks that I'm "cute"...I mean, I'm not gonna refute her or anything, but...dude. Not even Roll called me cute! Though that would be extremely weird of her if she did...
"You've never been here before, haven't you?" Toon Link asked Urbosa; Urbosa could've been here in episode 105, but she had some business to take care of in her own town. As for episode 63...well, we don't have an explanation for that one. "Then allow me to formally introduce you to the Smash Mansion! An awesome place where people hang out and have fun and...SMASH! Okay that totally came out wrong..."
"So this is the Smash Mansion that Link has been harping on and on about...he claimed that there's a person in this mansion who bears his name and likeness. And apparently he's best friends with this fellow...but I won't believe it till I see it. There's also a Princess Zelda present at this mansion, right?"
"Yes we do have a Princess Zelda, and she's much better than your Zelda, if you ask me...at least she wears dresses. I mean, what Princess Zelda would dare to wear pants? What princess wears pants to begin with?!"
"She might be a man in undercover, trying to kill the king of Hyrule and gain full control of the kingdom...that is the only valid explanation," replied Young Link, as Urbosa folded her arms and rolled her eyes. She knew her Princess Zelda better than anyone (outside of Link, of course). "We would chat for a bit longer, but I'm afraid we have some important business to take care of...what's your name?"
"I am Urbosa, chieftain of Gerudo Town and the pilot of Divine Beast, Vah Naboris." As she did her introduction, Urbosa struck a magnificent pose, letting Young Link and company know that she meant business. "I am also very proficient in electricity...some say that I'm an electrical expert!"
"An electrical expert is exactly what we need...just hear us out. You see, a good friend of ours, Lucas, has been unconscious for Hylia knows how long, and a spark might be what he needs to be woken up again. A spark...an electrical spark, like the one you can provide."
"Hmph, I suppose I can offer some assistance...but only for a fee." Toon Link and Young Link gleamed as they leaned in closer, dying to hear what this fee was. "I demand that I see your precious little Princess Zelda, otherwise my time spent at this mansion will be all for naught."
"GROUP HUDDLE!" shouted Toon Link, as he got into a huddle with Young Link and...well, just Young Link only. Proto Man would join, but he dared not to involve himself in the buddy cops shenanigans. "This Urbosa chick has quite the bargain...I fear that she wants her grimy hands on Zelda. To bring her to her land, and give Hyrule a respectable princess."
"I could see why she would do that...the Zelda she's stuck with flat out sucks, in my opinion," Young Link whispered back to Toon Link, as Urbosa stared at the buddy cops with her head tilted to the side. "I'd say we show Urbosa where Princess Zelda is, and kill her if she tries to do something malicious." Done with their huddle, the Links turned to face Urbosa. "We shall take you to Zelda, so you can have your little girly conversations and stuff. You two can talk about makeup and doing hair painting nails and all that girly stuff all you want..."
"Trust me boys, Zelda and I are going to do a whole lot more than just some silly girl talk..." smiled Urbosa, giving a smile that made both Toon Link and Young Link more suspicious than before. "Just take me to your precious Zelda, and I'll do your little favor."
So Toon Link and Young Link guided Urbosa out of the teleportation room, and to the whereabouts of Zelda, leaving Proto Man dazed and confused. Being called cute by a Gerudo was still unsettling for him.
Of course, if Toon Link and Young Link wanted to introduce Urbosa to Zelda, they would first have to find the princess of Hyrule first. Since neither buddy cop knew about the current whereabouts of Zelda, they would have to ask some of the others...
...enter Roy, the leader of the mansion's resident k-pop band, Straight Fiyah. Ever since Berkut's wedding, the members of Straight Fiyah never met together, to discuss their plans for the future, but all of that would change, when Roy gathered his bandmates for an "important" meeting. Crash was more than happy to attend; the same couldn't be said for everyone else though. Good thing Berkut had an excuse for his absence, what with him shopping with Rinea.
"In order to function well as a k-pop band, we must first look the part," Roy said to his bandmates, who were all seated around a table. Everyone except for Crash was bored out of their minds. "Which is why I got this here camera projector, to show you some pictures and give you guys a clear example of how we should dress. Is everyone ready?"
"Please kill me already, I beg of you..." moaned Alm, resting his temple on the palm of his hand. Roy would scan the room, and see that Crash was the only one eager to learn.
"I don't see anyone objecting, so that must mean everyone is ready! Just as I figured! Don't know why I bothered asking that question...so let's get to it!"
Roy pressed the button on the camera projector, displaying an image of a k-pop boy band on the wall. This boy band was BTS, and unless you've been living underneath a giant rock for the last year or so, you might know BTS as the biggest k-pop band outside of Girls Generation.
"Take a good look at these men - take a look, I say!" commanded Roy, as his bandmates stared at the image of BTS just to make the swordsman happy. "Let the image of these men become ingrained into your brains, into your minds! Then, answer the following...what do these men have that WE don't?"
"Actual swag," answered Ike, noticing how cool the members of BTS were.
"Sense of style," answered Robin, noticing how well-dressed the members of BTS were.
"Rather feminine-looking qualities," answered Marth, noticing how...did we just witness a pot calling the kettle black moment?! Clearly so, as everyone in the room - Crash included - stared at the hero-king. "Why is everyone looking at me?"
Marth: I'm honestly not that feminine...people just say that because I have short hair and I wear a tiara. In fact, this tiara... *takes off tiara* ...is NOT a tiara, it's actually a crown...you see, the crown of stars are small, so small that you can't even see them. Nor feel them. My tiara...uh, crown, is unlike any other.
"No, no, and definitely NO!" shouted Roy, disgusted with the ignorance of his bandmates. How did he expect to perform on the same stage as them, if they weren't all on the same mindset as he was? "It's not swag, sense or style, or dare I say it, 'feminine qualities' that we are lacking in! We have enough of those qualities already in us! Well, not the 'feminine qualities'...but what this group has that we don't is MOTIVATION!"
"Is this meeting gonna turn into some crap motivation seminar?" asked Robin, getting up out of his chair and ready to bolt out of the room. Had the door in perfect sight. "Because if it is, then I'm out...
"SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND SIT YOUR SORRY BEHIND BACK DOWN IN THAT CHAIR!" Roy pointed and shouted at Robin, intimidating the mage enough to make him return to his seat. "Good Robin. So you're all asking yourselves, 'what is this motivation that Roy speaks of'? Well boys, when you think long and hard about it...these courageous men have to motivate themselves to perform at every gig. Motivate themselves to perform at award shows, and on Times Square during the New Year festivities. Motivate themselves to appear on talk shows such as Ellen DeGeneres and James Corden. Motivate themselves to...gah, who could that be?"
Someone knocked on the door, and Roy answered it to see Toon Link and Young Link standing by. Roy was hoping and praying that the buddy cops wouldn't "arrest" him, but fortunately for him that wouldn't happen.
"Sorry to disturb you Roy, you ginger-faced vanilla man, but we have a question of importance to ask you," Young Link said to the swordsman, who was triggered by the "ginger-faced vanilla man" comment. "Do you know where we can find Zelda? We would ask Link, but you know he's out of town."
"Zelda went hiking somewhere and fell off a cliff and died, the end," responded Roy, before trying to close the door...though Toon Link wouldn't let him, as he used his boomerang as a stopgap to prevent the door from being closed. "Ugh, fine, if you guys really wanna know so badly, Zelda is having a tea party with Daisy over at Luigi's place. Daisy has been feeling salty about being left out of the tea parties, and with Peach at the hospital, Zelda allowed Daisy to take Peach's place."
"I see...thank you for complying Roy, your due diligence may not make you less bland than you already are, but it's a good start," replied Toon Link, closing the door on Roy before the swordsman could fire back at the Hylian. Knowing where Zelda was, Toon Link and Young Link would turn their attention to Urbosa, the Gerudo observing several paintings hanging on the wall.
"This painting of a mustached man, threatening to beat up a gorilla..." Urbosa analyzed a painting of Mario and Donkey Kong, back when they were feuding...no wait, that must be Cranky Kong and perhaps Mario's dad. Who knew Mario had a dad to begin with! "...how is such a painting like this even acceptable?" Urbosa would question Toon Link and Young Link.
"Whaddaya mean, that mustached man beats up that gorilla most of the time - as well as a spidermonkey, hedgehog, penguin, fox, and a few other animals that have slipped my mind," replied Toon Link, acting like there was nothing wrong with Mario beating up on the animal characters he participated in Smash battles with. Still, the context of it all was enough to make Urbosa feel extremely inquisitive.
Urbosa: Tell me, is there any Gerudo ladies living in this mansion?...You say there's a male Gerudo?! Why that's...that's extremely rare! The Gerudo race is strictly a female race, and a Gerudo male born into the tribe becomes the king of... *sighs* ...the Gerudo's name is Ganondorf, isn't it? *facepalms* Figures...
"By the sound of it, literally anything goes in this mansion..." remarked Urbosa - same thing could very much be applied to Smash battles in general. Especially with items on. Items make Smash more fun (and at times, more cancerous). "So have you boys found out where your Princess Zelda is? I can't afford to miss out on a meeting with such a fair maiden like her..."
"We have acquired intel about Zelda - she is having a tea party with some other princess at a house near the Smash Mansion," replied Toon Link; the fact that there was a princess other than Zelda was obviously intriguing to Urbosa. She had only ever known just one princess. "Such tea parties are delegated to princesses only, so I doubt that Zelda would invite our company..."
"Technically I'm the queen of my Gerudo people, so Zelda and her princess friend would have no choice but to allow my presence. That way, I can see how much they respect their elders..."
"Are you insinuating that you're a grandma? You do look pretty sexy for your age..." Urobsa frowned deeply at Toon Link, as he said this. "...you're angry because I called you sexy, didn't I? Yeah, I should respect my elders myself...you're a very beautiful woman!"
"Very beautiful Gerudo sounds more like it...and for the record, I am NOT a grandma, I'm just the highest-ranking Gerudo in my clan. Don't get your facts twisted, kid, if you know what's good for you..."
Why don't we see how Zelda andDaisy were handling themselves with their tea party? The two were all in the living room of Luigi's home, seated around a table and enjoying tea, scones, and some great conversation. Luigi was the one who served the princesses, the kind gentleman that he was.
"Thanks, sweetie!" Daisy thanked Luigi, pouring tea into his wife's cup...while wearing a maid outfit over his clothes. Poor Luigi, he must have lost a bet to Daisy or something to be forced to wear that maid outfit.
"You're welcome, Daisy...once this whole-a tea party is over with, can I please take-a off this maid getup?" implored Luigi, feeling like the maid outfit was cutting away at his manliness. It was a good thing Mario wasn't around to see his twin brother. "Charles is looking at-a me...don't want him-a getting any ideas, if you know what I mean."
"And you say I'm overtly concerned when it comes to Charles...sure, you can take off that maid outfit once our tea party is over. Why don't you just have Yuffie watch over Charles, if you're so worried about him judging you? He's only one year old, so he can't be that judgmental..."
Luigi: Do you-a think...that the Infinite Cafe down-a town would hire me, in my current attire? Nothing wrong with having a male-a maid, amirite?
As Zelda and Daisy enjoyed their tea party, they would soon be interrupted by some very loud knocking. It was rather aggressive in nature, and commanding too - meaning that whoever didn't answer the door was gonna pay.
"OPEN THE DOOR, THIS IS THE POLICE!" the person behind the door barked. Zelda and Daisy got up from their chairs, wondering why the police would be at Luigi's home of all places, and Luigi, being the scaredy cat he was, was most afraid.
"Don't tell them about-a my money from street-a racing - you ladies keep-a the police busy while I hide-a my winnings!" Luigi ordered a bewildered Zelda and Daisy, as he ran up the stairs and to his room. With Yuffie nowhere in sight, Daisy would walk over to the front door, opening it and seeing the policemen...Toon Link and Young Link, with the latter holding a yard stick.
"This is the police, hands up or we will fire!" ordered Young Link, throwing away the yard stick as he and Toon Link donned their bow and arrows. "We will not take any prisoners?"
"Police, what police?" questioned Daisy, looking around the premises, as she offended the buddy cops with her remark. Young Link had to hold Toon Link back. "All I see is two young wannabe police cops, but other than that, I see no one...are the police officers invisible? Or are they just a figment of your imagination?"
"The police is standing at your very doorstep, you ignorant princess..." growled Toon Link, as Young Link still had to restrain the Hylian from stabbing Daisy with his sword. This would stop, however, when a certain Gerudo approached the buddy cops and pulled them away. Daisy looked up at the Gerudo, and was in awe.
"Threatening to beat up an innocent woman, way to be professional," Urbosa shook her head, mainly at Toon Link, before looking at Daisy, the princess still in awe. "I don't think we've met before, have we? You must be the other princess these two youngins spoke of. You can call me Urbosa, Gerudo chieftain."
"Cool, I've never met a female Gerudo before!" Daisy spoke up, finally finding the words to express her amazement. "I'm Daisy, by the way - princess of Sarasaland. Still can't believe I'm standing in the presence of an actual Gerudo...well, a Gerudo who isn't named Ganondorf, that is."
"I'm fairly sure that this Ganondorf fellow is malicious, just like how the legends of old describe him..." Someone like Rosalina might think otherwise. "But enough chit chat - I came here looking for Princess Zelda, and I've been told that she is having a tea party at this house. Is that correct?"
"Did someone call my name?" Zelda perked up, stepping into Urbosa's focus. She saw the way the Gerudo was looking at her, and it made her feel somewhat intimidated. Almost like Urbosa was glaring at her, staring deep into her soul... "...you wish to speak with me? How do you know my name? Are you a Gerudo, by chance?"
"One of the best Gerudo you'll ever see...and I just so happen to be friends with another Zelda. The very Zelda that has visited this town on an occasional basis. Mostly against her will. You remember her very well, yes?"
"How are you ladies handling your-a self with the...police?" Luigi would ask Daisy and Zelda, coming downstairs and to the living room. He would see Urbosa standing at the doorway with the buddy cops, and right on cue, the plumber got scared real quick. "Y-You must-a be a Gerudo, aren't you? Please don't hurt-a me!" Luigi cowered in fear, as Daisy looked at her man and shook her head.
Daisy: Luigi used to hang out with Ganondorf like it was nothing - and he still kinda does, to this day - yet when a graceful Gerudo in Urbosa comes around, he turns into a shrinking violet...something about that just sounds backwards.
"Why is that man dressed up as a...ah, never mind," said Urbosa, before redirecting her attention to Zelda and giving her the stare that intimidated the princess so. "We have some very important matters to discuss, Princess Zelda, so why don't we take our business over to the mansion? We have A LOT to clarify..."
"Uh, sure, I suppose we can have our conversation...at the mansion," complied Zelda, wanting to know why Urbosa wished to speak with her so badly. The princess had a pretty good guess as to why...
Zelda and Urbosa would have their conversation in the mansion foyer, and their conversation would be monitored by both Toon Link and Young Link. What was the Hylian and the Gerudo talking about? It was exactly what Zelda had feared - they were talking about the whole eyebrows incident that occurred in episode 63, when Link and Zelda of BOTW came to visit along with the other Champions.
"Please Urbosa, hear me out - I didn't mean to shave off Zelda's eyebrows!" Zelda would plead her case to the Gerudo, who wasn't having any of it. "I just...I just wasn't in the right frame of mind, okay?!"
"Your shaving incident nearly left the princess, my friend, in a state of trauma," Urbosa said sternly, eschewing seriousness to make Zelda feel more guilty than he should. "Do you know how terrible it would be, if our princess came back to Hyrule without her eyebrows? People would call her a freak, and even make fun of her and call her names! You wouldn't want that to happen to a fair princess, would you?"
"No I don't, but if it makes you feel any better...someone put me up to shaving off Zelda's eyebrows. It was Robin who made me do it. He's a mage that lives at this mansion, and he's quite the tactician as well. You should speak with him - shaving Zelda's eyebrows, that was his idea!"
"Excuses, excuses...a princess like yourself shouldn't be making excuses in the first place. And a princess also shouldn't allow herself to be manipulated by some silly mage...what do you have to say for yourself? Why did you give in?"
"You see, Robin, he was having this beef with someone else in the mansion, Marth...he's a hero-king. Anyways, they were feuding because they were trying to be matchmakers, and Marth kind of outdid Robin in that regard and that's how..."
"They were feuding with one another...because of their pitiful attempts at matchmaking? Perhaps the weakest reason for a beef if I ever heard one. Still, the fact that you were duped by Robin, and used as a catalyst for his 'beef' makes you look very poor in regards to being the princess of Hyrule."
Red the Pokemon Trainer: *watches Zelda and Urbosa's conversation from afar* I've watched this conversation long enough to grasp the idea of why that Gerudo chick is angry with Zelda... *turns to face the camera* Basically she's angry with Zelda, because Zelda shaved off Zelda's eyebrows one time, and it was Robin who put Zelda up to doing that to Zelda in the first place. From what I've inferred from the conversation, Zelda must've told the Gerudo chick about that incident, and now the Gerudo chick, wanting to have a word with Zelda, came to the mansion so she could speak with Zelda about the thing Zelda did to Zelda... *pauses* ...what are we talking about again?
The conversation between Zelda and Urbosa would continue, as Bowser walked through the foyer. The koopa king would stop in his tracks, when he took full sight of Urbosa, checking the Gerudo out.
"Hubba hubba hubba..." smiled Bowser, very easily enthralled by Urbosa's beauty. Zelda and Urbosa would stop their conversation as they glanced at the koopa king, wishing he would go away. "You must be a Gerudo, aren't you? Never imagined that I would see a Gerudo this hot..."
"Step away from the ladies, turtle man, or you're gonna get it!" ordered Toon Link, as he and Young Link pointed their arrows at Bowser, but the koopa king wasn't afraid. He had no reason to feel that way, for Urbosa was standing in his presence.
"You're not...heading back to your precious little dessert anytime soon, are you? Because it would be totally worthwhile if you spent your time - all your time - with yours truly..." Bowser would make a purring sound that made Urbosa jump back; the koopa king was seriously overdoing it.
"Bowser, can you please stop being desperate and leave us alone, we're trying to have a conversation here..." Zelda frowned at Bowser, and the koopa king would frown right back. NO way he was gonna let Zelda - let alone any princess - talk back to him.
"Who are you to call me desperate? Have you forgotten about Mario, the most desperate man in human history? All those times he came running to my castle, 'rescuing' Peach for Lord knows why when I just wanted to spend some quality time with her...all because Peach is the only woman who has ever loved him! That's what you call desperate right there. Dude should be devoting his time to his actual job, plumbing, or at least pick up a hobby or two."
"Bowser I'm not going to tell you this again, either you move out of the way or..." Having just about enough of Zelda's yap, Bowser would grab the princess's face and push her away, before giving his full uninvited attention to Urbosa.
"You must excuse Princess Zelda there...the way she needlessly runs her mouth disturbs me so. She's one of the reasons why I can't stand princesses. Except for one, that is. And I can make you my princess, if you like..."
"First off, I'm a queen, and secondly, I appreciate the offer, but it's a no from me," replied Urbosa, giving up Bowser's hopes. Dude actually thought he was going somewhere. "I did not come here to this mansion to go on a date, I came here to speak with Zelda..."
"...and to help us out with an investigation on our hands," added Toon Link, making sure Urbosa realized the real reason why she was at the Smash Mansion. The other reason was secondary.
"Yes, that too - and I'm afraid you're interrupting our plans. So how about you skedaddle?" Obeying Urbosa's command, Bowser would indeed skedaddle...
...but not before snatching up Urbosa and holding the Gerudo firm in his arm. (He would throw her over his shoulders, but Urbosa would have been subjected to the spikes on Bowser's shell.) Like any other woman in this given situation, Urbosa would scream for help, as Bowser took the Gerudo to the kitchen.
"You know, we really should have seen that one coming from a mile away," remarked Young Link, as Zelda looked at the buddy cops and sighed. Some police cops they were...
Bowser: Yeah buddy, finally got myself a new girlfriend! A Gerudo girlfriend! Keeping my toes crossed must've done the trick - it helped speed up the process! Those buddy cop dorks are nowhere in sight, which means that until they decide to show up, my master plan will be kicked into motion!
Urbosa: *fighting out of Bowser's grasp* Let me go this instant...is this how you treat a queen of the Gerudo people?
Bowser: If you're the queen, then that must make me a king! Though that won't happen till we get married. So what time do we have to waste? Let's go make some dreams together!
In the kitchen, Dunban was back to cooking tonight's dinner, with Bowser nowhere to be found. While the Homs was doing his thing, Coco and Aku were busy making some wumpa fruit casserole, with Coco obviously doing all the work.
"May I ask where you found the wumpa fruit in the first place, Coco?" Aku would ask the blonde bandicoot as she was making the casserole, with little to no help whatsoever. She could always rely on Aku to never provide any help. "I don't recall bringing the fruit with us to the States."
"Apparently Crash had some wumpa fruit in the pockets of his pants...invisible pockets, I should mention," replied Coco, giving her wumpa fruit casserole a taste test. "How I discovered said pockets was a mystery, but I did find a rocket launcher, some sneakers, an outdated Playboy magazine, and some other stuff. Several items I had to throw away."
"You didn't throw away that Playboy magazine, did you?" Aku would ask Coco, who gave the floating mask a weird glance. Coco could see the desperation in Aku's yellow eyes. "...you didn't throw the magazine on the road, I mean. That's what I meant to say. Some little kid could pick it up, read it, and be tainted forever!"
"Outta my way peeps, new girlfriend and I coming through!" yelled Bowser, running inside the kitchen and nearly knocking Dunban and Coco down to the floor as he rushed to the dining room with Urbosa still in his grasp. "Andale, andale, andale!"
"Watch it Bowser, you could have ruined my wumpa fruit casserole!" Coco shouted at the koopa king, before asking the following question that raised her curiosity. "Who is this 'new girlfriend' Bowser spoke of...?"
Following a "mandatory" doughnut and malasada eating session, Toon Link and Young Link would look for Bowser, eventually coming to the dining room. They would hide themselves as they saw Bowser, seated at the dining table and serving Urbosa some stew - the Stupendous Stew.
"I didn't make this soup myself, some good friends of mine mailed it to me," explained Bowser, as he poured the contents of the stew into Urbosa's bowl. Urbosa was left unimpressed. "Perhaps the best stew ever made, in my opinion. I'm sure you'll think the same way!"
"We'll just have to see about that," responded Urbosa, as Bowser put the pot of stew away and went back to his seat. He would hold his hands together, as he smiled and looked at Urbosa, staring at her lovingly. Urbosa, however, wouldn't return the favor by any means. "Don't feel like asking this, but I'll ask it anyways...how long have you been single?"
"I'd say for about four to five weeks. I was in love with this hot British chick named Lara Croft - she's a tomb raider and archaeologist. I wouldn't say that we were actually boyfriend-girlfriend...it was just that I loved her, and she was too afraid to love me back. Wouldn't say it was an on-on-off relationship, but...it's very hard to explain."
"You've been single for weeks, and you snatched me up just so you could have another chance at love...I should have every right in the world to pity you."
"Not sure if that was the sweetest thing a woman has ever told me, or the harshest...ladies in the past have always told me mean things, so I don't even know anymore. Say, are you gonna try out the soup or not?"
"I'll do it as long as you won't beg me to do so..." Toon Link and Young Link cautiously watched, as Urbosa dipped her spoon into the Stupendous Stew, and was about to sip the stew, letting it enter her mouth...
"Don't eat the soup Urbosa, it could be poisonous!" yelled Toon Link as the buddy cops rushed inside the dining room, donning their weapons - right when Urbosa held her spoon up to her mouth. The Gerudo would look at the buddy cops, and Bowser too - though the latter was more ticked that his date was being interrupted.
Dunban: Tasted the stew while Bowser was away...and I gotta say, the stew tasted DELICIOUS! Was totally worth nearly burning my tongue off. Now, I can hardly feel the inside of my mouth...
"You punks stay away from my woman!" commanded Bowser, as he rushed over to Urbosa and grabbed her by the neck, dragging her away. Urbosa tried to fight out of Bowser's grasp, but the koopa king was stronger than she imagined. As Bowser pulled Urbosa away from the buddy cops, he reached down at the Gerudo's side, and pulled out a blade. "Come any closer, and you'll get a taste of my woman's blade!"
"It's called a scimitar..." corrected Urbosa; the Gerudo used the scimitar and her shield, Daybreaker, whenever she had to fight someone. Mainly the Yiga Clan.
"Yeah, what my woman said - now get back, I say, get back! I'll kill ya, I'll kill ya both!"
"But you can't even kill your arch-nemesis Mario," stated Toon Link, leaving Bowser pretty stumped.
"Okay then, change of plans - get back, or I'll have to stab you both! But not in a fatal way. I'll just stab you both, and laugh in your faces!"
"Yet you're too timid to cut the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner," stated Young Link, leaving Bowser stumped a second time.
"That's not entirely true, but...get back, or I'll...I'll...I'll do something bad to ya!"
Suddenly the tension in the dining room would die down, when a bottle fell to the floor from Bowser's pocket. Was it an invisible pocket? Coco should investigate. Anyways, the bottle rolled down the dining room floor, coming to a stop when it reached Young Link's feet. The Hylian picked up the bottle, and looked at it.
"Is this...a bottle of chloroform?" Young Link would ask Bowser, who looked around guiltily as the Hylian held up the bottle. Sensing that Bowser was monetarily distracted, Urbosa was step on the koopa king's foot, making him release his grasp on her, before delivering a wicked punch to Bowser that sent him flying to the floor in pain.
"This is one experience I won't be telling the other Champions about..." Urbosa remarked as she stepped away from Bowser, who was down for the count, before walking over to the buddy cops. "Let's keep this whole thing a secret between us, shall we?" The buddy cops would give Urbosa a thumbs up of confirmation.
Despite discovering the bottle of chloroform, the buddy cops' work wasn't done - they had to wake Lucas from his unconsciousness. With Tsubasa keeping the knocked out PSI whiz company the whole time, Toon Link and Young Link would return to their office, bringing Urbosa along.
"One good shock oughta do the trick..." grinned Urbosa, as she generated some electricity in her fingers. Once enough electricity was generated, the Gerudo would simply touch Lucas - the electricity was enough to rattle Lucas' body, and awaken the PSI whiz from his slumber.
"Who, what, huh, where am I?" Lucas wondered as he looked around, slowly rising up to his feet. "Let's see...I was in the kitchen, wanting to get a good look of that stew Bowser brought in, then some strange smell entered my nostrils and..." Lucas looked up, and saw Urbosa looking right at him. "AAAAAAAAAH GIANT SCARY WOMAN!" In an instant, Lucas would faint to the floor, out of utter fright.
"...and we're back to square one," said Tsubasa, as she picked up Lucas and held him in her arms. Felt weird for the idol singer to cradle a teen like Lucas in her arms like a newborn child. "The good thing is, Lucas will be awake very soon. I'll just put him in his room, on his bed." And with that, Tsubasa left the police office.
"So it was just as we figured...Bowser was so protective of his stew, that he would go as far as sedating anyone who came near to his pot," analyzed Toon Link, taking into consideration what Lucas said prior to fainting. "But why did he need that stew for? A huge waste, in my opinion." Toon Link would then look up at Urbosa. "Thanks for your assistance Urbosa, we wouldn't have done it without you."
"No need to flatter me, boy...you and your friend would've found a way to wake up that teen without my presence," replied Urbosa, feeling the sudden need to strike a pose just because. "I do believe I should go now - Gerudo Town isn't going to run itself! My Gerudo people must be worried sick about me..."
As Urbosa left the police office, she would be greeted by a certain princess upon exiting...Princess Zelda, who wished to make some amends with Urbosa before the Gerudo returned to her land.
"Can you do me a huge favor, and tell Princess Zelda that I'm sorry for...well, you know?" Zelda would ask Urbosa - why would she ask her to apologize to herself for...oh, that's right. "Don't think I've ever given her an apology...I tried to tell her the truth, after the incident was resolved, but..."
"No worries, princess - I'll tell Zelda everything she needs to know," replied Urbosa, with a reassuring smile. Hopefully Urbosa's feelings towards Zelda has changed...you know what, all this Zelda talk has got confusing, Urbosa should leave ASAP.
Toon Link: Another day, another case solved...should have arrested Bowser, but he's a repeat offender so we'll give him his fifth second chance. Now, Hutch...sing the song.
Young Link: You got it! *sings Law and Order theme song*