A long one today. Please, leave me a review!
CW: SUGGESTIVE IMAGERY, ALCOHOL AND OTHER SUBSTANCE ABUSE.
ALL THE THREADS OF FATE.
PART I:
CRUEL SUMMER.
III.
I did not like Quidditch. At Hogwarts, yes, I'd happily attend match after match, especially if Gryffindor was playing. I'd cheer and boo at the right moments, laugh at the commentary, leave the pitch eager for the next game.
It was only when we attended games outside of Hogwarts that I remembered I didn't much care for the game itself. I didn't care who held the Quaffle unless it was James, didn't care who narrowly avoided a Bludger to the head unless it was Sirius, didn't care who caught the Snitch unless it was Mary. The commentary was dull and contrived unless it was Rem's dry humour that resounded across the pitch, bordering on inappropriate until Professor McGonagall chastised him.
My friends didn't share the sentiment. Even Adelaide, who I would argue looked exactly like the type of person who did not enjoy sporting events, was leaning forward against the stand far enough that Freyr had a hold of the back of her robes just in case she toppled over.
"Open your eyes! The Snitch is right there!" Adelaide shouted, holding her wand to her mouth so the words would travel farther. When the Puddlemere United Seeker, Dean Valerian, flew past the snitch instead of spotting it, my sister threw her hands up in the air and glowered, "For fuck's sake, are you a professional or not?"
Freyr sent me a resigned look over his shoulder. Prepare yourself, the look seemed to warn. With good reason, if Puddlemere United lost against the Tutshill Tornados, Adelaide would be in a mood the rest of the day. I covered my giggle with my hand, not wanting her to direct her ire towards me.
We'd booked a private box, high up in the pitch so we'd be closest to the action and wouldn't miss anything. True to my word, I'd positioned the twins next to James, so Lily would have the buffer she supposedly desired. Not that it had stopped her from glancing curiously at James every now and then after my cousin had earnestly greeted her and proceeded to keep his distance. A plot of my doing, though I hadn't expected Lily to be almost disappointed at the lack of attention.
James was doing an excellent job at pretending not to notice. Much like Dorcas and Marlene, Lily and James had a tentative friendship that was less one-sided than Lily would have us believe. It wasn't overtly obvious, but I had eyes and was very close to both of them, so Lily couldn't really fool me. James worshipped the ground she walked on; Lily didn't actually hate him. They were acquaintances, Lily claimed, nothing more. And yet, his silence had resulted in her glancing his way every five minutes.
At least I thought his silence to be the reason, I couldn't imagine Sirius and Regina's open displays of affection to be that which held her attention so often.
Two weeks on, Regina was still around. Always around. At Potter Manor, in the gardens, at the park near my house, if I hung out with James and Sirius tagged along, so did she. There wasn't a day I didn't hear her, or saw her, to the point where I began to wonder if she ever went home. So, I'd had to remember her name. Had learnt the basics against my will. Her favourite colour was purple, arguably the ugliest of colours, and she owned a Scottish fold named Maurice. The girl would talk about that cat every chance she got, which didn't come by often since Sirius loved to have his tongue down her throat.
Like now. His hand was so far up her shirt I was surprised they hadn't been forcefully removed for indecency. It didn't help that no one asked them to stop. Freyr was too busy ensuring Adelaide didn't jump off the balcony in her fanaticism. If they weren't watching the match, James and Lily had no time but for sneaking glances at each other from beneath their lashes like old-fashioned debutantes. Remus, bless him, had ended up beside them and was currently surreptitiously side-stepping them so he could reach James on their other side.
Only Marlene appeared uncomfortable, eyeing them with mild disgust. She remained silent, though, settling for staring ahead like the snogging couple beside her did not exist, shoulders tense in a way that made it obvious she was still very much aware of their presence.
I should have done the same, but I couldn't look away, stomach roiling as I watched Regina's hand snake down Sirius's torso, journeying further down until—no, absolutely not. She was not going to—this wasn't a The Sphynx concert! This wasn't the far-left corner of the Common Room! This was a well-lit private box where we all knew each other!
I should have brought Fabian with me, see how they liked it if we were the ones engaging in some heavy petting for all to see and hear.
Beside them, Marlene had gone taut, angling her body so she was discretely giving them half her back. Remus inched closer to James, engaging in conversation and giving them a wide berth.
I was going to be sick. The sour gummy hippogriffs I had brought and enjoyed the first half of the game, ordered from Portugal and made with vegetable gelatine, were twisting and coiling my stomach to the point of pain. My jaw was so tight, my teeth ached and my tongue pushed awkwardly against my hard palate.
I was going to vomit all over my sandals and these two idiots just kept snogging, and rubbing and—and—Sirius's fingers wrapped around Regina's wrist, halting her just before she slipped her hand past the waistband of his trousers.
The motion took me by such strong surprise, I looked up and made immediate eye-contact with him. His eyes were dark, low-lidded, and he held my gaze even as Regina kept kissing his neck.
I couldn't believe he'd caught me staring at them, which I'd just then realized was what I had been doing for the past five minutes or so. Just staring, unblinking, tracking every movement each made like they were a twisted, depraved play and I couldn't step out of the audience.
Mortified as I was, heat coming off of me in waves, I was yet to look away. Stray strands of hair escaped from the bun he'd hastily arranged at the back of his head. His lips parted as he inclined his head back, one hand coming up to tangle in Regina's blonde hair. I couldn't quite read his expression, didn't understand anything past the hazy look in his eyes. How I truly was going to be sick.
"Oh, come on! You absolute toaster of a man!"
Adelaide's louder than before outburst, accompanied by her thrown hand flapping against my forehead snapped me out of my trance-like staring contest with one half of the live erotica novel taking place beside us.
I blinked.
Freyr shot me a glance, cautious. When I didn't retaliate and let Adelaide be, he went back to looking up into the pitch.
"Toaster?" Lily repeated with a giggle.
I laughed as well, though mine came out breathy and strained. My throat was dry as sand.
I didn't even know what was happening out in the pitch, what the score was, or if either team was anywhere near winning.
When I dared chance a glance at Sirius and Regina again, it was to find them disentangled, both focused on the Quidditch match for the first time since the first fifteen minutes of the game. Their hands were intwined.
Sirius did not look my way. Marlene did. She narrowed her eyes at me, eyeing me in a way that let me know she wasn't quite sure what had just happened. Truthfully, neither was I. It only lasted a second before she rolled her eyes and mouthed 'out of order'. For a split moment of panic, I thought she meant me, but she then tilted her head sideways, sending the oh-so-happy couple a conspicuous nod.
I shook my head, agreeing.
We both returned to the game. This time, I did not look to my left regardless of what I heard or caught on my periphery.
In the end, the Quidditch match only lasted two hours. The Tutshill Tornados emerged victorious, which sent my sister into such an enraged tirade we made the unanimous decision to not go anywhere near her personal space. As a result, we arrived at James' much earlier than stipulated, long before the sun set.
His parents were out having an early pre-theatre dinner with mine at Le Château des Rêves, a French restaurant of high renown located in Wizarding Chelsea. They weren't expected in until much later, as they would be visiting a nearby jazz bar after their show before heading home. At least, that was what my mother had told me before she and Father had left. She had also requested I return home after the Quidditch match, a request Father had denied almost immediately, insisting that if I was to go to the game, I was to enjoy the celebrating after.
Four and a half hours in, I was beginning to resent that.
As usual, our little gathering took place in the second floor's main living room, large enough to fit every member of our family twice over. It was a beast of a room, larger than my home's library. And that was saying something, considering what avid readers both my parents were.
Decorated similarly to the receiving room downstairs, it held two mantel fireplaces, one on each end of the room, and two different sitting areas, though they were angled in a way that they were easily mistaken as one unless one knew where to look. Every window in the room was wide open, allowing for the cool summer air to trickle in and relieve us from the heat that had surrounded us all day.
Adelaide glowered at anything that came within seven feet of her, which in turn annoyed Freyr so much he became another living, breathing glower. We left them a bottle of firewhiskey and a pouch of fae-dust to share between them, as well as complete dominion over the left-hand side of the room.
Sirius and Regina had disappeared pretty soon after we had arrived. An hour later, James had gone upstairs to demand they join us. A half hour after that, the front door had opened and closed.
James had returned alone, suspiciously chipper for someone who had spent thirty minutes failing to convince his best friend to join a party.
He'd joined me, chatting and drinking until my lack of enthusiasm had driven him to such boredom he'd braved the twins' wrath. They were currently engaged in what sounded like a drinking game.
The discreet letter Marlene, Dorcas, and I had sent Remus had worked as splendidly as I had planned to, and no one would know that Marlene had made a pass at the young werewolf but two weeks ago to look at them. The two cranked up the turntable as loud as it would go, dancing to Queen's A Night at The Opera and singing along to every song between sips of firewhiskey and vodka.
It didn't help my mood any.
Queen were excellent. Comprised of two muggleborns and two half-blood wizards, they managed to sprinkle aspects of both cultures into their music, which was what granted them such whooping success in both worlds. I liked them and listened to them frequently. Perhaps not as regularly as Remus and Marlene, who could utter every single word and lyric and match the melody to any song by simply listening to the first six seconds of the opening tune. A feat they were proving tonight, though their efforts were addled by alcohol.
No—the problem was not that I didn't like Queen. It was that A Night at The Opera had released at a particularly difficult time in my life, and every word served only as a reminder of that time, blasting me into the past even when the fae-dust James had sprinkled into the back of my hand and bid me to lick lightened my heart and turned my insides fuzzy and warm.
The drug usually had me feeling happy as a new cloud, but I had been having trouble sleeping for the past two weeks, more so than usual, and the anxiety that stirred within me paired with the music had the weariness in my bones and the odd, foreboding skittering inside me rising to such a peak I felt hollowed out by invisible hands.
I didn't want the dreams to return. The disembodied whispers. The flashes of a scene unwrapping before me but elsewhere. The… Reckoning.
Those things had been with me my entire life, very seldom voiced, never given a proper name until my third year at Hogwarts. A 'diagnosis' I was very quick to dismiss as nonsense. They'd often come and go at random periods of time without me ever being able to understand what brought them on. I hadn't had any of that for over seven months now, however, and the calm relief that reprieve had granted me was vanishing. The last time they had returned I—
I would not be worsening my mood by thinking of that.
We were at war. It was normal to experience some level of anxiety even if I was untouched by it.
That was all this was, nothing else.
"I watched as fear took the old man's gaze," Marlene sang with added fervour, slinging her arms around Remus as they jumped more than danced to the rhythm. "Hopes of the young in troubled graves."
"'I see no day,' I heard him say." Remus sang back, voice pitching to match the recording. He grabbed Marlene's shoulders, shaking her rather theatrically. "So grey is the face of every mortal."
They both launched into the chorus, shouting and dancing about. Collapsing into giggles when Marlene skipped a verse and the surprise caused her to trip.
The Prophet's Song. How fitting.
I leant my back against the armrest of the large armchair I had commandeered as my own for the evening. It was upholstered with a maroon fabric, soft to the touch and stuffed until every side of it resembled a pillow. Large enough that I could snuggle comfortably, a crushed velvet throw wrapped around my shoulders like a cloak.
It'd be my bed for the evening, despite my having my own room upstairs. We liked to crash in the living room at the end of nights like this one. My room was in the family wing, while the guest rooms were one storey lower, and James didn't like that we'd all have to separate especially if it was only one night and often only for a couple of hours at most. Not that that stopped him from waking up in the middle of the night and sneaking upstairs to his own room, seeking the comfort of his own bed. I stayed, enjoyed the excitement of sharing a big room with my friends, dozing in the moonlight.
Not tonight, though. Tonight, I didn't seem capable of enjoying anything.
"You—" Lily started, flopping down on the opposite armrest. I straightened, bringing my thighs closer to my chest so she'd have more space. "Look grouchy."
"I'm irritated." I admitted.
"By?"
"Nothing." I shrugged, raising my voice over the clamour. Why did that song have to be so bloody long? Realizing Lily was not as bothered by it, I amended, "Everything."
Lily frowned. Her fingers tugged at the edge of the throw around my body.
"You're cold?"
I shrugged again. My own fingers tugged at the soft fabric, pulling until it covered my ankles and bare feet, my head the only visible part of me.
While my skirt did leave most of my legs uncovered, I wasn't cold. The heat of the summer day wasn't a distant memory yet, despite the drop in temperature night brought with it. This was England after all, and summer nights could be as warm as the days sometimes. But the weight of the thick velvet throw around my body was a comfort, like a permanent hug, and I was reluctant to part with it regardless of the temperature.
Lily looked at me for a moment, contemplative, before her face split into a smile. Her hand reached into my velvet cocoon to encase my wrist as she rose and pulled me with her.
"Lily…"
"Nope, come on."
I let myself be dragged, not to the makeshift dance floor Marlene and Remus had created as I had feared, but out of the room, down the hallway and the stairs until we reached the kitchen. I didn't even know Lily knew where the kitchen was.
That wasn't what drew me to a halt by the threshold, though, but what received us there: Regina, sat on the rectangular kitchen table by the glass doors leading to the garden, her arms stretched out as she leant on the surface. She was sat on the chair that faced the kitchen rather than the garden, and we could see the pout dragging her features down plain as day, even if she hadn't noticed us yet.
"Hello!"
Lily's chirpy greeting made Regina jump. Lily spared her a smile as she strode to the cupboard, opening and closing doors in search. I inched closer as she finally found the cupboard that stored the glasses, removing two before walking to the sink. Now that she'd found what she wanted and my help was no longer needed, I stood in the middle of the kitchen, tugging the throw closer around my shoulders so it covered most of my front.
The movement caught Regina's attention. She caught my gaze, sending me a smile that was arguably a little too wonky to be genuine. A far cry from the charming and polite girl I had grown accustomed to. Yet again, I had never seen her drunk.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
She was younger than all of us, had never really hung out with us before until she starting dating Sirius, who was nowhere in this kitchen. I peered at the glass doors leading to the garden, wondering if he perhaps was out there, but was only able to glimpse our reflection.
"Fine."
That was a blatant lie, delivered in a flat tone. I frowned.
"Why are you here?" I only realised my words were perhaps sharper than it was considered civil by the grimace twisting Lily's face. I hastened, "I mean—I thought you'd gone with Sirius."
Regina's entire countenance fell even further, if that was possible.
"Sirius is gone?"
By the sink and just out of Regina's peripheral vision, Lily widened her eyes at me, hands outstretched and swinging in a plea for me to shut the hell up. Well, how was I supposed to know Sirius had left without his girlfriend? Or the fact that apparently everyone but me and Regina knew he had left without her.
"He's going to dump me." Regina lamented, leaning her chin back on her outstretched arms with a dejected sigh.
I floundered for a response, inclined to agree.
"No! Don't say that." Lily attempted to console. She handed Regina a glass of water, placing the other on the table. "You two look so good together—right, Mer?"
"Right," I nodded. There was an awkward beat where we all just stared at each other. "Tea?"
Lily did not find my change of topic amusing. Regina didn't react, closing her eyes as she let out one deep long breath. I walked to the stove, setting the kettle. I might have been trying to avoid the subject, but Regina's distress was genuine and a cup of tea bettered everything.
"No, he is. I—we have very little in common, and he never tells me anything." Regina's voice was muffled by her hands. "I don't know anything about him."
"Not a lot of people do, you shouldn't take offence," I commented.
Lily passed me two teacups, having discovered where they were kept in her search for glasses. As I made for them, she leant in closer to me and hissed:
"Stop that, you're not helping."
She didn't wait for my answer, simply twirling around and taking the seat beside Regina, her hand on her shoulder.
"I want to, though!" Regina exclaimed. She sat up, looking at me and Lily in turn. "I want to know things about him, you know?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but a loud pop! stopped me as Poppy arrived, her floppy ears standing to attention and her bright blue eyes peering up at me with delighted eagerness.
"Miss Merry!"
"Hello, Poppy." I greeted her in kind. My own lips lifting up in a smile. "It's very nice to see you."
"Is it? Poppy had begun to think Miss Merry no longer loved us, she did." Poppy reproached with the same tone she used when I was little and wanted to play for longer than Aunt or Uncle had allowed.
"Like, I don't even know his favourite colour!" I heard Regina whine.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes, instead keeping my attention on the slighted house elf before me. I had spent less time at Potter Manor than usual this summer and I had no doubt that was what Poppy was alluding to.
"Miss Merry visits no more. No, she doesn't! And now she makes her own tea without Poppy?"
I cringed.
Neither Glitter nor Poppy were forced to do chores. It was understood and expected in both my house and James' that if the house elf was busy with a task, we ought to take care of ourselves. The same applied to the time of day we wanted something. Before eight in the morning and after supper, the elf was not to be disturbed for silly things. Since I didn't actually live here, however, Poppy struggled a little more with that than Glitter did. To her, it felt like she was being a bad hostess, and so we'd agreed that if I was around, tea was the one thing she would always make for me. An easy task that allowed me to look after myself the rest of the time without adding to her workload.
"On the contrary, Poppy, I was just waiting for you to join me." I assured her, hoping she wouldn't recognise the lie.
"You'll find out the other stuff as time goes on." On the other side of the kitchen, Lily told Regina with a soft tone. "There's no cheat sheet."
"Miss Merry wants usual Phoenix Oolong tea for her and guests?"
Already skipping to the cupboard, Poppy asked simply to make conversation at the same time Regina lifted her head from her arms and commented, with a tone a smidge too casual:
"There should be."
"No."
The word was past my lips before I could help it, meeting Lily's eyes from across the room in a way that was as stern and definitive as the one word I uttered.
"No?" Poppy wavered, gazing at me with true concern. "Miss Merry is not alright?"
Lily nodded at me; a brief tilt of her head too quick for Regina to notice.
"I don't know, Regina…" she trailed off, hesitant.
"Is you sad, Merry Potter?" Poppy neared me. Her long fingers pulled at my own. "Is you preferring butterfly pea, not oolong?"
The earnest question, how she switched from addressing me formally to my name was almost too much. Within a heartbeat, my constant irritation flipped on its head and became a strange and pulling sadness.
"No, no, the Oolong is fine, Poppy," I said, offering Poppy a smile. "Thank you."
Poppy eyed me for a moment longer, taking note of the throw I was clutching to my body tightly before accepting my words for truth.
I turned to the table, realizing I had missed part of the conversation.
"…I have already read a lot," Regina was saying. In Hogwarts: a Gossip, she meant. The mere fact that she believed that was enough, that was a veritable source of information—oh, it chilled my blood with a strange type of anger. "You're his friend, maybe you can tell me the easy stuff."
It did not miss my notice that she only addressed Lily. A strange ache bloomed in my chest, bursting for a brief moment before dissipating, so sudden I wondered if I'd imagined it.
"He claims his favourite song is Green Light by the Hobgoblins, but it's actually Honeycomb Moon by The Sphynx."
I spoke without really meaning to, joining a conversation that did not include me and still hovering between the table and the counter where Poppy was preparing a tray with the tea set.
Regina's face lit up in both recognition and delight. She even leant into her elbows to get closer to where I was. Lily's eyebrows raised at the same time her jaw dropped.
"Truly?" Regina checked.
Supressing a laugh, I nodded.
"Oh, my god!" Lily snorted with laughter. Honeycomb Moon was the band's gooiest, most romantic ballad. Their only ballad, actually.
"You did not hear that from me." I warned them with a pointed finger.
Regina shook her head vigorously, the earnest look in her wide eyes assuring me that she would, in fact, not be telling Sirius I told her that.
"What else do you know?"
I faltered. Next to her, Lily shot me a look that was all 'yes, Meredith, what else do you know?' but more accusing. After all, I'd been the one to tell her not to tell Regina anything. If Sirius was mum about his life, he had his reasons. It was bad enough that stuff ended up in Hogwarts: A Gossip for all to read.
"Are you spreading secrets, Starlight?"
Lily had to bite down on her lips to refrain from laughing as Sirius appeared in the doorway. Regina went completely still. Her face turned as red as Lily's hair.
Instead of answering, I commented in as dry a tone as I could muster:
"You're back."
I watched as he strode into the kitchen, wearing different clothes than he had when we arrived. His trousers and patterned pink shirt were tailored, and the robes he wore over them were a formal charcoal grey, the same as his trousers. Gone were his boots, replaced by dark brown Oxfords. Which had been recently polished. I didn't even think I had ever seen him dress so properly. Not in years, at least.
Not gawking at him was a monumental effort. Where the hell had he gone?
"Missed me?" he cooed.
"Definitely not." I assured him.
I side-eyed him when he chose to walk behind me, for some reason not approaching the table. My distrust turned to be founded when he reached out and tugged on my ponytail, swiftly grasping my hair tie and bow. My hair fell down my back and front, unbound.
"Give it back!"
He'd already walked past me. I swirled back around, trying to retrieve the length of ribbon and the hair tie from him. Sirius jumped onto the counter by the stove, sparing the working Poppy beside him a brief greeting as he slipped my hair tie around his wrist and extended the ribbon to its full length.
Great. I'd just managed to stretch that hair tie just as I liked it and now it was lost. I lowered my head and rubbed at my forehead, counting to ten in my mind.
I was grumpy, I remined myself, this was not as bad as it seemed. All I had to do was keep my composure and he'd get bored and return both my ribbon and hair tie without a fuss.
"Huh, y'know, like this, you look like Malfoy from behind." He observed with a barely contained laugh. I gaped at him. "Albeit a very short Malfoy. Malfoy, the dwarf, if you will!"
"I do not!" I protested.
"Same hair length and everything."
"Take that back."
"You do share the same near-white blond, Meredith." Lily teased. "Maybe you're secretly adopted?"
"That's not funny." I grumbled.
They merely laughed.
"Is that why you call her Starlight?" Regina asked, curiosity tainting her laugh.
No, but it wasn't any of her business.
"Yes."
"No," said Sirius at the same time.
"You're the worst, Black." I snipped.
"Right back at you, Starlight."
Lily laughed, used to our antics. Regina only looked more curious. Sirius matched my glare, though his was considerably light since he seemed to be in such a good mood. It was more a tease than actual threat.
The kettle whistled and porcelain clinked as Poppy bustled about the kitchen. I breathed in deep and extended my hand out to him.
"Give me my ribbon back, please."
"It matches my hair better, I think." He refuted, placing the silver ribbon flat across the side of his head.
Lily snorted. Regina let out an amused laugh, earning herself a wink and a grin from Sirius. My hands clenched into fists.
"No, it doesn't." I managed through gritted teeth. Sirius ignored me. He took a hold of either end of the ribbon, attempting to tie a bow on his forehead. "Black, give me the damned ribbon!"
Sirius raised an eyebrow, expression so mocking my skin crawled. The hollowness that had previously resided in my chest filled up with an ire so strong it burned. Sirius glanced at Lily.
"She's irritable today." Lily explained.
As if she were my carer, as if Sirius undoing my ponytail and refusing to return my possession was a silly reason to get angry. He ah'd, nodding at her sagely.
"Fine, keep it." I snapped, walking away from him before I did something regrettable. Like punching him. "I've got plenty where that came from and, as I understand it, you could probably do with a couple more possessions, couldn't you?"
I sat at the head of the table as I finished talking, slow and deliberate and with as much dignity as I could manage with a throw wrapped around me and my hair tumbling past my waist.
The words speared and hit home. Every muscle in Sirius's face tensed. He stopped trying to tie the ribbon at his forehead. His eyes darted down for a split second before he graced me with a sardonic smile, close-lipped and bitter.
"What do you mean?" Regina asked, bewildered.
Nobody answered. Though Sirius running away from home wasn't common knowledge quite yet—I imagined his family wanted to save themselves the public embarrassment of admitting it, even when all who needed to know did—Regina not knowing made no sense. What, did she think a room full of possessions meant he was here only for the summer?
Silence descended. The only sounds, the quiet intake of breath Lily could not refrain and Poppy's snap of fingers as she sent two teacups levitating towards the table. To my utmost surprise, neither of them were for me.
A moment later, another two cups lifted from the counter. One travelled a short distance, levitating in front of Sirius until he accepted it. The other went to me, placing itself on the table without making a noise. Vibrant blue, not darkest brown, was in the cup. One glance at Lily's showed she and Regina had gotten the Oolong tea. Poppy had served me the butterfly pea, instead.
Like she knew I needed it, even if I didn't want it.
A moment passed. No one would break the silence. I didn't dare look away from my tea. Keeping my back straight and looking unbothered was a struggle, especially when Lily kept stealing glances at me.
I wouldn't apologise. I wouldn't take the comment back. I didn't regret it, not one bit. Not at all.
I could do with some light conversation, though.
And I ought to drink the tea, instead of staring at it.
I chanced a look around the room.
Regina was eagerly dropping sugar cubes into her tea, picking them with a tiny pair of tongs from the square container beside the small milk jug that had, at some point, joined us. She looked unfazed over the whole thing, tasting her tea with an easy expression.
Lily was judging me. I could tell by the air with which she brought the milky tea to her mouth, how she seemed to exude disapproval.
Idly swirling the blue tincture around the cup, I supressed a sigh and watched as it threatened to spill over the lip before settling.
Fresh tea or not, I couldn't bear the silence any longer.
I was halfway down the stairs when Lily caught up to me, taking a hold of my arm before I could enter the hallway leading to the front door.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm not in the mood, Lily, alright?"
The tension in my voice, the resigned sigh under it, were more noticeable than I had hoped.
Lily snorted. "Yeah, no shit."
"I should have gone home hours ago."
I didn't even know why I was angry. I was uncomfortable under my own skin, like my soul had remembered this earthly experience was not all it had once been and yearned for the freedom it had once possessed.
Whatever showed in my face had Lily softening. She released a breath, tilting her head and regarding me with a look I wished I could interpret as anything other than pity.
"Mer, you don't have to talk to him," she said. "You don't even have to look at him."
I shook my head. I wasn't feeling this way because of Sirius. Not that I could tell her what was really going on.
"Come on." Lily encouraged with a smile. She took a couple of steps forward and hooked our arms together at the elbow. "Remus really did bring as much chocolate as he could purchase. Say we go back in there and eat it all while drinking your cousin's fancy prosecco?"
Chocolate and prosecco did sound lovely. Not that James knew fuck all about prosecco. He equated a high price tag with quality, which was not always the case. Still—Adelaide's mood meant she was unlikely to steer away from hard liquor, so the prosecco would be all ours…
The small smile that had begun to grow on my face faltered as I remembered.
"I can't—" my voice caught. "I can't listen to Queen."
Lily frowned, equal parts confused and concerned.
"Then we won't." She nudged my shoulder. "No one can say no to you, remember?"
I huffed out a laugh.
"Alright, let's go."
Lily cheered, delighted. When she began steering me up the stairs again, I didn't protest or resist. After all, I had been the one to convince her to come all so she could forget about the constant conflict with her sister. I had ruined her evening long enough, I thought.
"Oh, here, before I forget."
Lily upturned my hand. On it, she placed the hair tie and silver ribbon Sirius had so rudely taken from me. I gaped at it.
"Maybe it is you no one can say no to." I mused.
"It's the hair." Lily fake-whispered.
I laughed, soft and short-lived but much more genuine than any other instance that night.
Maybe Lily was right. Maybe all I needed was a distraction.
Silence, but for the ticking of a clock.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
Silence, but for the sighing of a soul.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
Silence, but for the rasping of a sob.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
Silence
But for the dripping of blood.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
Tick
Quiet, she said as she crept behind the door.
Nothing can harm you here.
You are safe here.
Tock
Starlight cleaved by green fire.
Tick
Moonlight hidden by smoke.
Tock
A child shrouded in darkness.
Tick
A heart once found can't be lost.
Tock
Nothing can harm you here.
Tick
A permanent stain on the rug.
Tock
You are safe now.
Tick
Night-kissed delirium, blood-slickened hold.
Tock
The flesh that the soul might not hold.
Tick
Was this the end of the beginning?
Tock
Was this the beginning of the end?
Tick
Night-kissed delirium, blood-slickened hold.
Tock
I am not—I don't—I am not—
Tick
Nothing can harm you here.
Tock
Night-kissed delirium, blood-slickened hold.
Tick
You are safe now.
Tock
Am I a good man?
Tick
You are safe now.
Tock
Years poised on the edge of disappearing.
Tick
Yes. Now, you're home.
Tock
You are home you are home you are home
I awoke with a gasp, jerking forward.
The room was silent save for the deep breathing of my friends, fast asleep, sprawled on sofas and across the rug in front of the fire. The only light was the soft silver of moonlight blended with starlight, streaming through the opened windows.
Downstairs, the large grandfather clock ticked, ticked, ticked. So quiet was the house that its ticking appeared as loud as a scream, echoing down hallways and bouncing off the ceiling. Outside, everything was quiet. Even the insects slept. It was the dead of night.
A sob climbed up my throat and stole away into the dark, muffled by my fingers at the last moment. I buried my face in my hands.
Too much. This was too much, too similar to my dream. To that nightmare.
It had seemed so real. So familiar yet unknown, like returning home after a long trip only to find all the furniture changed.
The floor tiles under my feet cool to the touch. The sturdy softness of the rug. The coppery tang in the air as blood warmed my trembling fingers and turned my hold slippery. The red seeping into my nightgown. Dark hair caked in old blood, lips chapped a worrying grey. A glint of dangling silver in the moonlight.
It had been life and dream. Past, present, and future. Hazy and stark at once.
Had it been this room? Downstairs? Had it been a figment of my imagination? A memory? Had it—
Someone snorted in their sleep. The rustling of a body moving and shifting reached my ears.
I let out a trembling breath, running hands through tangled hair. Lily may have returned my hair tie, but I'd left my hair unbound, not wanting to tempt anyone into further teasing. The action did nothing to sooth my racing heart, nothing to still the thoughts running through my head.
I looked around.
The twins had been the only ones to go home. Marlene and Lily were asleep on the rug, a mountain of cushions and pillows passing as a mattress and bedding. Remus had claimed the other armchair. He was sprawled across it, legs hanging over one armrest and feet brushing the floor, his head nestled into the wing. The sofa Sirius and Regina had shared was empty, a rumpled blanket abandoned halfway on the floor.
The seating space behind me was empty. Where was James?
Leaving my throw behind, I tiptoed out of the room.
I walked down the hallway and up the stairs. The windows on either side of me were large and undraped, allowing the blueish glow of night to filter in. It was the only reason I could see, as it was so late there wasn't a single light on anywhere. My steps were swallowed by the burgundy runner rug that climbed up the stairs, and the low clockwork ticking of the grandfather clock downstairs chased after me so it was all I could hear. That and my breathing, the heavy silence blanketing the rest of the house.
Potter Manor had always been more echoey than my own home—until this very moment. The silence and that haunting ticking became living breathing companions I didn't want, nor could I escape. My heart was starting to beat with trepidation, lurching and rushing and I was two more ticks of that blasted clock from freaking out, sweet Merlin…
I slammed into something hard and warm as I rounded the hallway to James' room. Logically, I understood that this was a member of my family. But logic had left me when I stepped into the hallway downstairs.
I shrieked, stumbling back. It made Sirius jump, eyes wide. His hand swatted at the air as if the noise had come from a pixie he could swipe.
"Merlin!" I pressed a hand to my chest, willing my racing heart to calm down. "What are you doing?"
"I wanted a snack." He defended. "What are you doing?"
I rolled my eyes at the accusation, noting his mussed hair and how he was wearing nothing but some loose black-and-green flannel bottoms. What was it with boys and sleeping without a shirt?
"Nothing." I deflected. No way in hell was I telling him the reason I was up. "I'm going to James."
"Why?"
Didn't he have a girlfriend to entertain? I peered behind him. The door to his room was open. No shadows interrupted the warm light bleeding into the corridor. If Regina was here, she had not been invited to the late-night snack trip. Nor had she been invited to wherever he'd gone all dressed up earlier tonight.
Interesting.
I gave him a tight-lipped smile.
"I just am," I said, sidestepping him.
I began to walk towards the end of the hallway, where my, James' and Sirius's rooms were. My aunt and uncle's was smack in the middle of it, while the twins' bedroom was on the other end. So was Cressida's but that was a room that went unused. Even as a small child, when Aunt and Uncle would watch over us, Cressida would crawl into Adelaide's bed rather than sleep on her own.
Sirius didn't say anything. I imagined he had gone down the stairs, but I was proven wrong when, four steps later, he called out to me:
"Weren't you sleeping?"
"Would that I still were so this conversation wouldn't be happening." I sing-songed over my shoulder.
A beat.
Then, hurried footsteps. Not down the stairs, as I had hoped, but towards me.
Alright, so we're doing this.
"Are the dreams back?" Sirius demanded.
I inhaled, but otherwise didn't give any indication that he'd hit the nail straight on the head.
"Meredith. Are the—" he faltered. I stopped and faced him, silently challenging to say the word. The one I despised. The one he was too much of a coward to utter. "Are you having nightmares again?"
There it was. The one question I wanted more than anything for someone to ask me. From the one person I wanted it less.
"No."
I walked away before he could determine that was a lie.
"Lying doesn't suit you!" Sirius practically shouted after me.
"And threatening to wake the whole house over a trifle of a thing doesn't suit you!"
My voice came out in a harsh whisper. It still resonated against the wallpapered walls, carrying down the hallway. We were high enough in the house that our friends would hopefully not waken, but I could not say the same for Aunt and Uncle, or James.
In the dimmed blueness of the hallway, I could capture every twitch and pull of Sirius's scowl. He cared little for quiet.
"Should I remind you what happened the last time you didn't take your nightmares seriously?"
Oh, that was rich!
"Should I remind you why my nightmares are no longer your problem?" I retorted, sarcastic.
Sirius blinked. His lips parted. He appeared to be fighting the urge to recoil, staring at me like he suddenly had no idea who I was. I jutted my chin out, lifted an eyebrow. It snapped him out of it. He glanced down, shook his head, struggled with some thought…
"Enough. I've had enough." He decided, running a hand through his hair. "Did you ever stop to think how I might have been affected by what you'd done?"
"I—" I faltered, caught off guard. "You left me!"
Not only had Sirius ended whatever we'd been, but he had stopped talking to me altogether. Had decided that being freed from me was the best damned thing that had happened in his entire life. Had never, not even once, shown whether the end of our friendship had affected him. He hadn't acknowledged my existence until not that long ago.
The end of our friendship had brought Sirius Black joy. To suggest otherwise was preposterous.
"Typical." His chuckle was a puff of disbelieving air. "Merlin. Meredith, you are such a selfish brat." He complained with the tone of the long suffering.
The words shattered something vital within me. It hurt. Hurt so much I considered an actual physical injury. It shouldn't have. I'd been called worse, and we were cordial rivals at best. Unamiable strangers at worst.
Somehow his words were the final straw for all that I'd been holding at bay for over a month. Every anxiety and bad feeling and foreboding I couldn't explain. All my irritation.
I found myself speaking without thinking.
"At least I am not afraid I will never outrun the long shadow my family casts." I snarled my words into poison, into weapons. "I am not afraid I will always be haunted by my last name."
I wanted to hurt him as much as those simple nine words had hurt me. Based on the flinch he couldn't repress, I had almost managed it.
"Don't." Sirius warned me.
He began stalking towards me, dark and angry. I did not back down. Sirius Black was a thunderstorm I had made a home out of for years; though I may have been evicted, I remembered every flash of lightning, every icy raindrop, and harsh wind. He could not scare me.
"At least I don't make up for my shortcomings by shagging my way through Britain." I continued.
"You sure about that?"
I blinked. Sirius came to a stop four feet away from me, his features hard and shadowed by the type of anger that boiled.
"Does he know? How you skipped through lovers like it was a sport?" Sirius demanded. He sneered at me with cold grey eyes, looking every bit a Black. "Any miserable twat that so much as glanced in your direction. Hell, I'd say you'd even let Rabastan fuck you if he looked—"
He might as well have slapped me.
"Why is it that when a woman—"
"This has nothing to do with gender." He cut off before I could finish.
"No? How many people have you fucked, Black? How many times have you been unfaithful today?" I countered, scoffing as I eyed him up and down, nose upturned. "A traitor through and through."
I wasn't quite sure how we'd ended up here.
Pushing his hair off his face with a rough hand, he let out a derisive laugh. The sound skittered up my arms and down my spine like the legs of a spider.
"What, like you were loyal to all your flings before your beloved carrot head turned up?" It was a question not meant to be answered. I narrowed my eyes. "How many people have you fucked, Starlight? Do you even remember? 'Cause I certainly lost count of how many miserable pricks you've slobbered all over."
It was none of his business, what I did and who I did it with. Sirius disagreed. It irked him, I realised. The thought made his skin itch and his eyes come ablaze.
"Do you really want to know how many have had me?" I tilted my head, stepping closer to him with every word. The list was actually not that long, but he didn't need to know that. "Touched me. Tasted me even."
The confidence to my steps was fake. The proud lift of my chin, feigned. A pretty mask he believed. He scowled, grey eyes bright with the kind of disdain only personal matters could awaken.
"Does he?" he demanded with a raise of his eyebrows.
I swallowed and looked away from his oppressive gaze. Truthfully? no, Fabian did not care. He must have heard the rumours, of course, yet he had never asked.
My silence was more telling than any words I could have spoken. Sirius leant until his face was a palm's breadth away from mine, until his exhale became my inhale and I had no choice but to endure the smug look on his face, the hardness of his eyes.
"Or is he just happy he bagged himself an heiress who'll look pretty at his side and babble about frivolous things like tea parties while he's out there working half of what any respectable wizard should, thanks to your inheritance?"
My eyes were burning with tears I refused to let fall. Every seethed-out word stole the breath from my lungs. The blood rushed in my ears as I stumbled away from him. One step, half another. I stopped with gritted teeth and clenched fists. We were still too close, Sirius's eyes a brand I could feel on my skin.
A glint of silver drew my eye to his chest, where a flat, rectangular pendant hung from a long chain. It caught the light each time his chest rose with every quick breath.
It had been a gift from Remus in Third Year, for Sirius to engrave it with important dates. A fad that had swarmed the halls of Hogwarts for weeks before dying out. Sirius had kept his, I'd suspected because his best friend had given it to him rather than any real need for remembrance. The locket had only had one single date for years.
Until now.
I stepped forward so suddenly Sirius winced and tensed. His feet shifted into a duelling stance. I didn't bother checking if he'd drawn his wand from his pyjama bottoms.
There were three dates on the pendant. It wasn't the day he'd run away from home that snagged my attention and sent me into a blind rage. No, it was the second to last one.
The 24th of December 1975.
That bastard son of a bitch.
"At least he has a future!" I snapped, pushing at his chest with both hands. To hell with civility. "What do you have?"
Shock coloured his face for a moment before his features morphed into coolness.
"A little more self-respect. Dignity."
How I hated the snooty little cunt.
"I don't think you'd know what self-respect was, if it hit you in the face." I argued. "Self-centred arrogance and unreliability, however—well, that's right up your alley."
He leant in closer, face unreadable, his voice a whisper in my ear.
"Takes one to know one."
I pushed him away, relishing in the anger the action brewed within him. His temper was one he could never really hide, wearing it on his sleeve the way some would their heart. If I were to come undone before him, he would follow.
"I am not unreliable!"
"No?" Sirius mocked, tilting his head like the mere idea confused him. His eyes flashed something fierce. I couldn't help the narrowing of my own, how my heart raced and my vision dimmed until all I could see was his smug satisfaction knowing he had the upper hand. "But you do admit you're a narcissistic and entitled princess?"
As if his entire existence weren't opulent and excessive.
I paused. Took stock of the triumph slanting the curve of his mouth, the scorn darkening the ridge of his brow. Sirius Black despised me. At some point in the past year, he had named me his villain without notifying me.
"We are not the same."
I wish I could say my voice was louder than a whisper, but it wasn't. And it greatly amused him. I took a breath and ordered my thoughts, stitched words together and evaluated my sentences with the same care as needed when creating new spells.
"I may be an entitled heiress who enjoys hosting tea parties, but at least people respect me, and admire me. If I want to go far, all I have to do is reach my hand. But you—there's a reason most of your little rendezvous happen in broom closets at secret times. That's all you're good for. You turned every commendable trait you had into your own enemy, let them fester out of fear of what you could be. We are not the same."
I meant none of it—this was not the time for honesty, though, but something nastier. Sirius didn't allow me a reaction. The words had affected him, though, hurt him. He could hide behind a stoic mask all he liked, I had still won.
He kept my gaze for a tense moment, before uttering once single word.
"Slytherin."
He meant it as an insult. I didn't see it as such.
Slytherin had shaped my mother into the woman she was today, after all. Slytherin had very nearly been my home. The insult didn't scathe, but I knew exactly what to retort to rattle him.
"Coward."
My lips caressed every syllable, smoothed the word out like it was a promise.
"What is going on here?!"
Sirius and I jumped apart at the voice, having to take several steps back before we reached an appropriate distance. I had just enough time to spy the flash of utter panic that raked through his features as I whirled.
My aunt and uncle stood not more than ten paces away, outlined by the light coming from their opened room door.
"Nothing, I—"
"That's enough from you, Meredith." My aunt stopped me with a hard expression. "From both of you, actually, I believe we heard plenty already." My stomach got lost somewhere near my feet. "Now, come along, before you two decide to forgo all common decency and draw your wands. The last thing I need is the Ministry flinging my front door off its hinges because two teenagers under my roof don't know how to behave themselves."
My aunt swept an arm out, keeping her eyes on me as she walked that way, ensuring I knew I was to follow. Just me.
I cleared my throat, keeping my head low as I walked behind her, all too aware of the tension in the air. I didn't think I had ever witnessed this sort of quiet anger in my aunt or uncle. This was bad. This was so very not good.
"Mr Potter—" I heard Sirius say, voice uncharacteristically wavery.
"Back to Mr Potter now?" Uncle Fleamont's voice was tight, so chastising I flinched. "I suppose it makes sense, considering some of the appalling things my wife and I heard from you. Not that Meredith is exempt, of course."
Oh, no. How long had they been listening?
Sirius cleared his throat. When next he spoke, his voice was strong and small at the same time. Like he had gathered all his inner strength and it still had not been enough.
"If you want me out of the house…"
I stopped. My aunt slowed in front of me, but she did not stop walking. Instead, her hand extended behind her, at the level of her hip, index and middle fingers flexing in a signal to keep following her.
I glanced over my shoulder, caught my uncle's stern figure and Sirius's stance. Proud. Strong. Meeting my uncle's eyes with a levelled look of his own.
"Let's have a little chat, you and I." My uncle suggested.
By the way he turned around and began walking towards the stairs, not even waiting to see if Sirius would follow, I recognised it to be an order, not a suggestion.
Sirius hesitated.
I hurried after my aunt.
She led me to my room, the very last door at the end of the hall. Sirius's room was the door to the left. One quick look inside alerted me of the fact Regina was, in fact, not in the house. She must have left sometime after I'd fallen asleep. On the right of the hallway, right across Sirius's room, was James'. The door was closed, but I saw a flicker of shadow underneath.
James was awake. He had heard, too.
Inside my room, Aunt Euphemia waited. Stood and waited, looking at me without saying a word. Guilt ate at my stomach, but I did not speak. This guilt stemmed from getting caught, not for the words I'd said, and I knew that was not what Aunt Euphemia wanted to hear.
"You know, Meredith," she began to pace across the room with the same ease she would stroll around the park. "I have always thought of you as the daughter I was never able to have."
My heart lurched.
"Aunt…"
My voice faded, unsure of what to say. I was also unsure of what to do with this version of my aunt I'd never really seen before.
"With all the time you spend here, I feel as if I have had a hand in raising you, too."
I waited. Waited for the 'but what I heard tonight was not how I raised you.' Somehow, the thought of Aunt being angry shamed me more than my own mother's anger ever had. Mum got angry easy, she raised me and my siblings with a stern yet caring hand. I knew how to navigate her storms better than I did my own.
But Aunt was not Mother. She chose communication over yelling and punishing. She was kindness and patience and discussing heavy topics with a cup of tea and a plate full of shortbread. I had never seen this type of serious anger on her face, not even when James and I successfully procured a portkey from the Ministry so we could travel to France and buy a dragon at age ten.
"I never asked why your friendship with Sirius ended so harshly. After being such close friends, too," she said. I swallowed. "But after hearing James complain incessantly about it, I began to think—considering the timeline of events, I understand why."
Dread chilled my bones.
"You promised—"
"And I have kept my promise, do not doubt that." She cut me off with a raised palm. "I also understand the complexity of the situation, and how it can be difficult for you to forgive."
I pressed my mouth into a line, unable to hold her gaze.
"That does not give you the right to behave in such a manner, Meredith. I am very disappointed to have heard such words leave your mouth."
When we were growing up, my sister Cressida would throw tantrums at the smallest of inconveniences. She would kick at the ground, pull at her own hair as she wailed and screamed with equal parts anguish and rage. Nothing could console her until she decided she wanted to be consoled. It was one of the reasons I wasn't close with her. Even as a toddler I had never done so. I would hold my anger close to my chest until my three-or-four-year-old brain knew how to turn it into biting words. Or as biting as a toddler's words could be. I would cry silently, regardless of whether I was alone or not. Unlike Cressida, I did not need an audience for my emotion.
Right now, however, as I beheld my aunt's disappointment, the helplessness in my chest made me wish I had behaved like that when I was a child. So I would remember what to do with the chasm in my chest and the scream clawing up my throat.
"If you had heard what he said," I protested. "The things he called me."
"Oh, I heard," my aunt assured me. "And I will be speaking with him, too."
"So you won't kick him out?" Sirius seemed to think so.
Aunt Euphemia raised both eyebrows at me. "Do you want me to?"
No. Yes. No.
"He hates me! He hates me and I have to see him every day at school and now every day at home. It's not fair!"
"Fair?" Aunt Euphemia repeated. Her eyes grew hard as she took a step forward, hands folding in front of her. "He's a sixteen-year-old boy, not quite yet a man, who tried to stand up for what he believes in by rebelling against his parents. Who was forced to run away. Whose family refuses to speak to him. How is any of that fair?" It wasn't. "Can you imagine yourself in his shoes?"
I'd be miserable. I loved my family. I couldn't imagine them not talking to me.
"He doesn't like them." I tried to dismiss, but I knew they were empty words.
"You do not have to like somebody to love them." No, you did not. And wasn't that a curse all on its own? "We are all he has now, Meredith."
I was not part of that 'we'. Sirius Black hated me, and my aunt and uncle loved him like a son, James loved him like a brother. Son trumped niece. Brother trumped cousin.
This was stupid. I had a family of my own, siblings and parents who I would not have to share. But it already felt like I was competing against him for our friends. Though some of them were more obvious than others, they'd all picked sides and pretended they hadn't.
Sirius Black hated me, and he talked about me to James. He was talking to my uncle right now. What if he was the reason James and I had not hung out as often this summer? What if he told my uncle all of those terrible, horrible things he'd said to my face, or worse, and my uncle believed him?
"I'm sorry," I said without tearing my eyes from the window to my right. "It won't happen again. I'll be civil."
"I am not the one you need to apologise to."
That wouldn't be happening. I needed to be alone now, though. So, I nodded. Nodded and waited for my aunt to leave.
She did not.
"Oh, Merry." My aunt exhaled, bridging the distance separating us and taking a hold of my face.
I wrapped my fingers around her wrist, only as I looked at her blurry face realising that I was on the verge of tears.
"My sweet, sweet Merry. I am not siding with him. I will be having words with him about the things he said to you. Those cruel, false things." I nodded. A tear slipped past with the movement, burning as it slid down my cheek to be flicked by her thumb. "My love for Sirius does not diminish my love for you in any way."
"Do you like me, though?" I asked, urgent.
By the look on Aunt Euphemia's face, she could read my thoughts like they were words on paper.
"Very much so." Her thumbs rubbed at my cheeks. She placed one kiss on my head and stepped back. "Get some sleep, Merry. Tomorrow's a new day."
I stood there long after she'd gone, confused as to how exactly my needing James' company had ended with this.
The door to James' room creaked open. I held my breath, waiting, hoping. There was no knock at my door, no hushed call of my name. His soft footsteps faded.
James had chosen, and it had not been me.
I pressed my hand to my mouth, thumb and forefinger pinching my nose as tears blurred my vision to the point of nothingness. They did not fall. I found no sleep for the rest of the night.
On Reviews:
KyriakosX: Thank you!
OryxGreen: Yeah Marlene is a difficult one. She makes quite a few bad decisions out of spite and jealousy, and it will be much worse this time around. Without giving anything away I will say they won't be making up the same way the did in the original version, because I also didn't like it and I felt it was rushed because readers kept pushing for them to make up. I am hoping to update at the very least once a week!
Thanks to everyone who has followed and favourited. DOn't forget to turn on notifications on your profile so you get alerted when I update, and please tell me what you think/where you think certain things are going in a review!