Author's Note:
Since it's that time of the year again, there will be nothing but holiday-themed chapters until the end of December. I know you were probably expecting that, but I decided to say it anyway. Also, next week, for the very first time since May...
...I'll be going back to answering guest reviews! I bet most of you are pretty excited about that. Can't believe it's been over six months since I last answered a review...wow. I haven't read that many reviews ever since I returned from my hiatus, for better or for worse, so I barely know what's in store for me.
But yeah, the suggestion box is open again...as if it was ever closed, to begin with. So if you have any good suggestions, then feel free to post them. Next week, I'll be answering any reviews posted for chapter 232, and keep going on from there. But for now...enjoy the new chapter, everyone!
Episode 259: Moroccan
It was the month of December, and Christmas was right around the corner...which could only mean one thing at the Smash Mansion. Another yearly round of Secret Santa! As always, the residents from the mansion and tower were invited to exchange names, with Mario and the neighbors also welcome to participate.
This year, Master Hand wanted Cloud and Zelda to have a bit more involvement in Secret Santa due to them being the man and woman of the mansion, respectively. When asked if she wanted to make any changes, Zelda kindly told Master Hand no. As for Cloud, well...the swordsman took it upon himself to invite three friendly companions for Secret Santa. One of them being a famous limbless hero.
"Remember to be on your best behavior, you guys," Rayman sternly said to Barbara and Globox as the three friends filed into the congested meeting room. "This is the opportunity of a lifetime!"
"Opportunity of a lifetime?" snorted Barbara, as she and her pals took a seat at the meeting room table. "We're just exchanging gifts. No biggie."
"Globox sure hopes he picks his name," smiled Globox as he rubbed his hands together, comically missing the point of Secret Santa. "Then he can buy a gift just for himself!"
"That's now how Secret Santa works, Globox," Rayman said to the amphibian, who angrily slammed his fist on the table in response. Elsewhere in the meeting room, Riku was chatting it up with Spring Man and Ryuji.
"Sora's always ended up on the naughty list, every year," Riku said to Spring Man and Ryuji, as he was throwing some slight shade at his best friend. "I think he had to talk Santa Claus into putting him on the nice list."
"Wait, so Sora met Santa Claus, for real?" Ryuji asked Riku as Sora came inside the meeting room, hearing his name. "And you believe him?"
"I didn't at first, but...Sora's said crazier stuff in the past." Sora frowned when he heard that, as he marched over to Riku ready to give him a piece of his mind.
"Oh yeah? Well, how do you explain that gift I got in the mail that one time?" Sora questioned Riku, willing to go to the great ends of the earth to prove Santa's existence. "That came from Santa Claus!"
"Yeah, like Santa delivers Christmas presents through the mail...pretty sure that gift came from your friends at Twilight Town. Don't deny it, Sora."
Riku: Still don't believe in Santa Claus. Sora might try to convince me to think otherwise, but I did my best to let him know. He can stay on the "naughty" list, for all I care.
"Alright everyone, listen up for the roll call!" shouted Isabelle, hoping that everyone in the noisy meeting room could hear her. "Joker? Here...Rex? Here...Ninjara? Ninjara? Where are you, Ninjara?"
"I'm right here..." announced Ninjara, who sneaked his way inside the meeting room to avoid getting trampled over by the crowd. "...do we really have to do this Secret Santa thing?"
"Yes we do, Ninjara - it is a required holiday custom of ours," Master Hand appeared and spoke to Ninjara, who shuddered to think of what other "required holiday customs" the mansion did. "Participation is..."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it...participation is required. Bunch of crap that is. But do we really have to do this Secret Santa gift exchange?"
"You know, we could do a Yankee Swap this year...but that would get messy. Especially if we did it this many people. Might even lead to some fistfights."
"That's not what I was getting at...oh, why even bother?" Ninjara walked away and took his seat at the meeting room table, hoping that the name exchange would go quickly.
Master Hand: We did a Yankee Swap one year for Christmas; in the end, someone ended up with a Microsoft Surface Pro. The price limit was supposed to be $40! Stupid idiots, they never follow the rules...
Once everyone was in the meeting room, it was time to begin. Isabelle went around the meeting room with a bag of names, having each person pull a name out of the bag.
"Alright, people, you know the protocol - not a single peep until everyone in this room has drawn a name," Master Hand said, as he kept a close eye on everyone. "Not a single..."
"Aw shucks, Globox didn't get his name!" complained Globox, when he saw that he had picked a name that wasn't his. The amphibian quickly gasped and covered his mouth, shivering in fear as he saw Master Hand suddenly hovering over him menacingly.
"He's probably new to this, leave him alone," Zelda said to Master Hand as she was sticking up for Globox. Master Hand would cool off, as he slowly backed away from Globox. Globox was still shivering in fear, as Isabelle went around the meeting room.
"Has everyone drawn a name?" asked Master Hand - a smile and a thumbs up from Vault Boy was all the giant hand needed to know. "Excellent! Everyone can see their names now. Open up those slips of paper, and see who you got!"
So everyone in the meeting unraveled their slips of paper to see whose name they had drawn. As it was every year, some were elated, some were disappointed, and some felt in-between.
"Seriously, I got Slippy?" frowned Samus, easily one of the more disappointed residents; the bounty hunter looked at Slippy Toad, who responded by smiling creepily and waving to her.
"And I drew Mechanica's name..." announced Slippy as he gave the same creepy look to Mechanica, who was now shuddering in fear. Poor Mechanica was about to receive a taste of how strange Slippy truly was.
"I drew Crash's name...guess my redemption arc starts now," said Sonic, who was still having a rocky friendship with Crash. Perhaps getting the right Secret Santa gift for the bandicoot could help repair the bond.
"I got Marth," Riku discussed with Sora and Kairi as he showed his best friends the name he had drawn. "I wonder if he wants another tiara to wear."
"It's a crown, Riku...not a tiara," Kairi stated to the silverette, speaking as if she had offended Marth in the past. It was a rookie mistake. Just then, Steve approached Kairi.
"You are in luck, Kairi, for I have drawn your name," Steve said to the girl before showing her a slip of paper with her name on it. "The reason that you are in luck is that I already have a Secret Santa gift for you."
"You do?" Digging into his pocket, Steve pulled out a red diamond and presented it to Kairi, whose eyes went wide with intrigue. Sora grinned, while Riku just shook his head. "Wow, what a pretty diamond!"
"Yes, a diamond that shines brightly, just as bright as you...my deepest condolences if that sounded too cheesy for your liking."
"Dang it, Steve, we're not handing out gifts right now!" Master Hand scolded the craftsman, who put his red diamond away out of fear. "Also, ditch that red diamond! Show a little effort when you get Kairi her gift. Don't make it look so easy!"
"But that red diamond took a lot of effort to mine..." As Steve solemnly held his head low in sadness, Master Hand hovered over to Falco to ask the avian pilot a question.
"Can I trust you to get the mansion a Christmas tree?" Master Hand asked the avian pilot as he handed him some cash. "Get the best one you can find!"
"Uh, sure, I'm down," replied Falco, who only agreed if it saved him from harassment or even an unspeakable punishment. Master Hand hovered away, as he looked at the cash in his hands.
Since it was Christmas, the mansion's resident party planner Rosalina took upon the opportunity to plan a Christmas party...except that the party she had in mind came with a twist. It was a Moroccan Christmas party! The mother of Lumas was busy setting things up in the gaming room, where a few residents were already present.
"Eh..." said Crunch, as Rosalina placed a red Moroccan fez on his head. Made the bandicoot feel like a character straight out of an Aladdin movie.
"I'm sorry, it's the largest one I have," Rosalina apologized to Crunch, only because of how small the fez was. The hat was much more fitting on a small bird than a burly bandicoot.
"I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat." Crunch looked to his right and saw Wario also wearing the same small fez. Seeing Wario without his signature hat on, with the top of his head exposed, made Crunch jump back out of fright.
Rosalina: The Christmas party I'll be hosting today will have a twist. The theme is "Nights in Morocco". This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course, she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.
"Hey, Rosalina, do I need this invite-a to get into the party?" Mario asked the mother of Lumas as he entered the gaming room, holding a party invite.
"Yes," nodded Rosalina as she saw the invite in Mario's hand. She had asked Pit to give out the invites to everyone; that angel sure was a reliable errand boy.
"Awesome! I think this is going to be the best-a Christmas party ever." As Mario walked away, Rosalina looked over and saw Viridi setting up some nativity decorations in the gaming room, as well as a Christmas tree.
"You're going to move this for the party right?" Rosalina asked Viridi as she came over to the goddess of nature, seeing her decorate the Christmas tree. "It's not on theme."
"It's the nativity scene," Viridi explained to Rosalina as she hung up a few ornaments, all in different assorted colors. "Simon suggested it to me. Excessively."
"Alright. You can keep the camel, sheep, elephant and the North African king can stay. Everything else goes in the box."
Simon: I am not going to judge Rosalina for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Viridi just stuffed him into a box. The disrespect!
"I need you to get rid of the tree," added Rosalina, as Viridi was busy putting away parts of the nativity scene in a nearby cardboard box. Viridi looked at the Christmas tree, wondering where she could put it at.
"But how can I, I can't just put it in the box!" Viridi complained to Rosalina, who did not respond as she casually walked away - or in her case, floated away. "There's no room..."
Rosalina: What I'm doing with Viridi isn't blackmail. Viridi just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone about the "big surprise" she has in store for Pit. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
What Christmas at the mansion would be complete without a Christmas tree? Every year, Master Hand assigned a resident at random to get a Christmas tree for the mansion; turning down the task would be met with swift punishment. This year, Falco was asked to get a Christmas tree, and everyone knew that the avian pilot couldn't do it alone.
Rather than using the money Master Hand gave him, Falco took it upon himself to fetch a tree from the woods and decorate it with Christmas decorations and such. Once the Secret Santa festivities concluded, the avian pilot would travel with Fox to find the perfect tree. This year, Falco wanted to get a Christmas tree that would wow all the residents.
"Here we are!" announced Fox as he and Falco came inside the foyer with the tree they picked out themselves. Was very much on the big side but for the pilots, it was love at first sight.
"Go, push!" Falco shouted at Fox, as he and his fellow pilot pushed the tree through the front door with all their might. R.O.B., who was standing in the foyer with his robot pals (Ray and Chibi-Robo) looked on with a dubious face. "Push!"
"No, no, turn it around." So Fox and Falco turned the tree around, finding it much hard work than it looked. Perhaps getting such a big tree wasn't a good idea...
"Really shove it."
"You'll break it."
"Shove it through! Break it!"
"You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Falco." Eventually, Fox and Falco got the tree inside the mansion.
"I got a splinter." Falco looked at his hand and saw a splinter, unsure if he could continue.
"Well, suck it up. We all have problems." Fox and Falco carried the tree into the living room, where a few residents were present. "Hey, everybody, look at what we have! Nice, huh?"
"I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up." After finding the perfect spot to put the tree at, Fox and Falco came to a stop.
"On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three."
"One, two, three!" Fox and Falco push a tree up, breaking it through the ceiling in the process Mr. Game and Watch, who was in the living room, sighed at the hole in the ceiling Fox and Falco just made.
"Merry Christmas!" Fox exclaimed to the residents in the living room, with his arms out wide, as the residents went back to whatever they were doing. If getting the tree in was the hard part, imagine having to decorate it...
With it being the holiday season, it was now an acceptable time to drink eggnog. And when you're in a mansion with over a hundred people, eggnog tends to run out quickly. Link left the kitchen with a cup full of eggnog, and after taking a sip the Hylian saw Pit pass by holding a box full of toys.
"Ah, I see you got yourself a doll collection," Link said to Pit, who stopped in place and laughed at the Hylian. Pit thought of himself as too masculine to play with dolls...but he did enjoy playing online dress-up games, for some weird reason.
"These are not dolls, Link," said Pit as he showed the skeptical Link the box of dolls. Many of them looked a little off-brand, at least in the eyes of Link. "These are commodities! Same as gold or oil."
Pit: So every year, I do some research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: "My horn can pierce the sky". With Wario's debit card, I bought out every store I could in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? *makes doll in his hand nod*
"That's the Christmas spirit," remarked Link, under the assumption that Pit would give out the dolls to the little girls around Seattle. It was truly the thought that counts.
"I'm just punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their kid a gift," Pit told Link his intention with the dolls, hoping that he could at least send some kind of message to the parents around town. "And such a genetically impossible one, at that! Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?"
"That sounds probable to me," replied Link, leading Pit to assume that his knowledge of biology was far better than the Hylian's. Which couldn't be any farther from the truth. "It might work in the dolls' universe."
"Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn?" Terry asked Pit as he passed by, seeing the box of dolls; the fighter recalled seeing one of the dolls in a newspaper ad. "I thought they were all sold out."
"They are now!" Pit happily replied, with a swing of his arm; Terry would question how Pit found enough money to purchase all the dolls, but he decided against asking.
"Cool." Terry would casually walk away with his hands in his pockets, before singing, "My horn can pierce the sky..."
Falco was looking on proudly at the tree, which was being decorated from top to bottom with Christmas decorations by the Koopalings. Mr. Game and Watch came through for Fox and Falco, patching the hole in the ceiling while having to trim off most of the tree.
"Did it work?" Falco asked Mr. Game and Watch, who held up a piece of the tree he cut off. There was a paper cutter in the 2-D man's other hand.
"Well, sort of," replied Mr. Game and Watch, fortunate that he didn't get any splinters on his hands. He attributed most of that to being 2-D. "Why did you get it so big?"
"I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. Go big or go home!"
"But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?" Mr. Game and Watch held up the hacked off part of the tree, as Falco stared at it while scratching his chin.
"Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Mr. GW. And we are going to sell that to charity! That's what Christmas is all about."
Mario was at Rosalina's Moroccan Christmas party, partying it up and having a good time with the residents. While Simon kept to himself in the back, salty over his Christmas tree and a few nativity decorations being taken down, Mario was sharing with the others some drinks he had kept in his cellar back home.
"This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs-a of Splenda," Mario explained to Bayonetta, who was the only person interested in the drinks Mario had brought. "Call it a one-a of everything." Mario offered a cup of his drink to Bayonetta, who drank it in a heartbeat.
"Oh my goodness!" the Umbra Witch exclaimed before laughing, as she was completely floored by the drink. So much, that she held out her cup to Mario wanting more. "Hit me again."
"Alright...one more time-a around the block." Mario was partially against giving Bayonetta a refill, due to the drink's alcoholic content, but Bayonetta was enjoying herself! The plumber just couldn't turn the Umbra Witch down.
Kairi was at the party, eating some food and minding her own business when Sora took a seat next to the girl. In Sora's hand was a lamp.
"I will grant you one wish," Sora said to Kairi with a slight slick smile as he rubbed the lamp profusely. Kairi saw her friend rubbing the lamp, looking all skeptical.
"I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way," the girl requested, as Sora stopped rubbing the lamp immediately. That slick smile on his face went away, too.
"Pretty stupid wish. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes!" Kairi would laugh to herself, and Sora as well, as King Dedede took a seat on the floor holding a sitar. What was that fat penguin planning?
"Hey, Samus, check it out!" King Dedede called out to the bounty hunter, who was soaking in much of the party without getting too involved. Samus sighed as she found the courage to turn her head to King Dedede, who started singing and playing the sitar. "There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance..."
"Really, Dedede?" Samus frowned at the fat penguin, who couldn't help but laugh at the song he just sang while slapping his knee. Dedede didn't have any knees, to begin with, so it was anyone's guess as to what he actually slapped. "It's Christmas and you're singing about nudity and France."
"There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all..." King Dedede resumed singing and playing the sitar, as Samus rolled her eyes and walked away.
Mario was still showing off his drinks to the residents, having already made a good impression on Bayonetta. Now it was time for Mario to reel in another person.
"Rayman...over here!" Mario whispered to Rayman, who was speaking with Pigma and Master Mummy; upon hearing his name called, Rayman ended his conversation and walked over to Mario.
"What is it?" Rayman asked Mario, who offered the limbless hero a sample of one of his drinks. "You made this yourself?"
"That is vodka and I mixed-a it with orange juice," Mario explained to Rayman as he offered the mix to the limbless hero. "I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka." Rayman took the cup and sipped it, expecting to be underwhelmed...but instead, his eyes went wide with intrigue.
"Wow, that is delicious! Can't believe no one has ever thought of that."
"I know, right? I must be some-a kind of genius...every day I amaze-a myself."
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Bayonetta, enjoying herself a little too much as she was dancing around drunkenly in the gaming room. Mario paid the Umbra Witch little to no mind as he continued offering drink samples. Bayonetta was dancing a little too close to some Moroccan candles...
Outside the mansion, Pit was making a shrewd transaction as he was selling a Princess Unicorn doll to a man. Pit was rubbing his hands together as the man was pulling out several dollar bills from his wallet.
"120, 180...200," the man tallied his money together, before putting a cool $200 in the palm of Pit's hand. It was a very successful sale by Pit, who celebrated the transaction with a pump of his fist. "Thank you so much! My daughter is going to love this."
"So glad I could help, dude!" responded Pit, as he saw how happy the man looked. Thought of him as one of the biggest suckers on earth. "Merry Christmas!"
"You too. And thanks again for the doll!" So Pit and the man both went their separate ways, with Pit smiling to himself as he stroked the dollar bills in his hand.
Pit: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching! *flashes $200 in front of the camera*
Word about the Moroccan Christmas party soon reached Cloud, as he was one of the last folks in the mansion to receive a party invite. The swordsman wasn't that interested in attending the party but decided to give it a chance just to see how Rosalina incorporated the Moroccan theme. So he was at the gaming room, soaking in the party...and like everyone else, Cloud failed to notice Bayonetta dancing a little too close to some Moroccan candles.
"So this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left your home country," Cloud said to Altaïr, in a lousy attempt to start a conversation with the assassin. Suddenly screaming was heard, as Bayonetta's hair was on fire! The Umbra Witch had the full attention of everyone in the gaming room, from Mario to Rosalina, as the fire on Bayonetta's head eventually made its way down the Umbra Witch's bodysuit. Mr. Game and Watch came to the rescue bringing in a fire extinguisher.
"We got a live one! On fire!" shouted the 2-D man as he used the fire extinguisher to extinguish the fire on Bayonetta. By the time Mr. GW was done, Bayonetta was covered from head to toe in fire extinguishing powder as the fire was gone.
"I'm alright...I'm alright," Bayonetta assured the residents, wiping the extinguishing powder off her hair and bodysuit. Way to put the party in a damper mood.
Due to the incident that had occurred, the Christmas party was temporarily on hold, and Cloud knew it couldn't be on hold forever. So the swordsman stopped by Master Hand's room, to report to Master Hand about Bayonetta's little incident at the Christmas party. Tom Nook was present with Master Hand, willing to offer some intuition if he felt it was necessary.
"Bayonetta might have some kind of drinking problem, we should check her into rehab," Cloud said to Master Hand, not wanting to let a similar drunken accident happen again. "Why don't we do one tomorrow?"
"Can not do it then - monthly therapeutic massage appointment with Wii Fit Trainer, the works," replied Master Hand, leaving Cloud to wonder what the giant hand even needed to have massaged. It was likely just a made-up excuse.
"What about next Friday, on the 11th? You should be pretty free by then."
"Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day?" Tom Nook asked Master Hand, figuring that Master Hand might be extra busy up to that day.
"No, no. I celebrate privately," replied Master Hand, although he has likely never celebrated Groundhog Day a single time in his existence. It was surprising that he wasn't gung ho about it like he was with Boxing Day. "Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly."
"Now? It's our Christmas party," stated Cloud, not wanting Rosalina's Christmas party to go on hold for the entire day. Not after all the hard work she put into making the party enjoyable for the residents.
"We'll do it quickly. Lightning-fast. Like the Flash! And Dash Parr! Both of them!"
"Well, what if we can't do it quickly?" Tom Nook asked Master Hand as he offered a counterpoint proposition. Master Hand always hated it when Tom Nook did that.
"What if we can't do it quickly?" Master Hand mimicked Tom Nook while speaking in a mocking Tom Nook voice, one that Tom Nook hardly felt insulted by. "What if we can't do it..."
"Do you know how to do an intervention?" Cloud asked Master Hand, not wishing for the giant hand to take charge in things he knew very little about. Most of the time that resulted in danger. And oftentimes a trip to the hospital.
"Hey, shut up Cloud. Go and gather up everyone that was at the party. Mario included."
Master Hand: An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really it's...it's a coming together. It's a surprise party for people who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really bad about themselves. And then they stop.
With the Moroccan Christmas party on hold, Rosalina took it upon herself to add a few elements here and there to spruce the party up. Viridi, who had no choice but to serve as Rosalina's assistant, was in the gaming room awaiting her task.
"It looks like we're going to be here for a while, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone?" Rosalina asked Viridi, thinking that the party could use an appetizer or two; hummus was usually the answer. "Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily grab them."
"I don't think I'm cut out for that," replied Viridi; making a plate of hummus and toasting pita sounded like too much work for the goddess of nature.
"And napkins...fanned." Leaving Viridi up to the task, Rosalina floated away as Viridi sighed and went to the kitchen. Probably better to have Viridi to prepare the hummus, than a below-average chef like Palutena.
Cloud gathered all the partygoers with Master Hand in the meeting room, ready to get the intervention over with so the party could resume. Bayonetta sat at the front of the meeting room, as she was slowly recovering from her little incident.
"Bayonetta, how do you feel?" Cloud asked the Umbra Switch, who was slowly becoming soberer over time. Bayonetta barely had any memory of her catching on fire.
"A little better," replied Bayonetta, not exactly a hundred percent but feeling somewhere between fifty and fifty-five percent. Which was better than nothing. "I threw up."
"Yuck...T.M.I." Cloud seldom felt disgusted by anything - hearing anyone mention anything about throwing up must be one of the swordsman's few weak spots.
"Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then have everyone get back to the party," Master Hand said to Bayonetta, who balked at the idea of having an intervention. Bayonetta thought there was nothing wrong with her.
"You know, Master Hand, I don't think some-a of the folks here are comfortable discussing Bayonetta's drinking problem," Mario said to the giant hand, who was ready to accuse the plumber of lying. Bayonetta scoffed when she heard her name and "drinking problem" mentioned in the same breath. "Some folks might not feel-a obligated enough to ask-a her to stop drinking.
"I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic."
"I'm not an alcoholic," stated Bayonetta as she folded her arms and rested her feet on the meeting room table. If Master Hand wanted to "change" the Umbra Witch from her alcoholic ways, he would have to die trying.
"Yeah, obviously you are. Denial is the worst. Everybody who thinks that Bayonetta is an alcoholic please raise your hand."
"What if we don't raise our hand?" Dark Pit asked Master Hand, who held out his hand in a gun firing position and held it around the meeting room. Everyone raised their hand in a snap. "Aye!"
"The aye's have it. Majority rules!" There was only one "aye", from Dark Pit, but it was good enough for Master Hand. The raised hands were honestly all Master Hand needed, but Bayonetta still sat there in denial.
"I don't care what everyone thinks," the Umbra Witch said to Master Hand, glancing at the clock on the wall and hoping for the intervention to end at the next possible second. "I know I am not an alcoholic."
"Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? Cloud?" Master Hand looked towards Cloud, who pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and laid it out on the meeting room table for Master Hand to read.
Travis: When I was in school I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.
"Bayonetta, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?" Master Hand asked Bayonetta as he read the first question on the piece of paper.
"Sure, I guess," replied Bayonetta - the quicker she answered the questions, the sooner she and the others could return to the party in the gaming room.
"Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?"
"Obviously. Drinking during the holidays is almost like protocol for me."
"Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church? Or the Church of Scientology?"
"Where did you get this?" asked Chrom as he glanced at the piece of paper lying on the table. Saw a bunch of questions that dealt with playing violent video games and whatnot.
"Cloud got them from a website, that's not important. What is important is that Bayonetta answers all of these questions, truthfully."
"Master Hand, we should contact some experts," Cloud suggested to the giant hand as he grabbed the piece of paper and put it back in his pocket. "You don't know what you're doing."
"Okay, you know what Cloud? One of my residents is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man." Master Hand soon turned his attention to Ann, who was texting away on her phone. "Hey, are you texting?"
"Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag," replied Ann, as the apathy she eschewed by texting away with her fingers deeply triggered Master Hand. Not a single ounce of sympathy from her was shown.
"Alcohol is a drag! Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party that Rosalina ever planned, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. Right before I could even attend! That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Bayonetta's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better." Lloyd raised his hand, as Master Hand acknowledged the swordsman by pointing at him.
"Well, Bayonetta, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me," Lloyd said to the Umbra Witch, greatly appreciative of the gesture she had done. But only because Bayonetta would've never done anything like that for Lloyd if she was sober. "And that was really cool."
"That's...you didn't...you weren't hurt by that." Lloyd was missing the point, but what did you expect from the swordsman? But at least Lloyd got to say his piece.
"Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Bayonetta. Getting to see that Aquaman movie was pretty awesome!"
"You're welcome, Mr. Irving," responded Bayonetta as she flashed a smile, making Lloyd feel even better about himself. Master Hand was groaning as the conversation was not going the way he had planned.
"No, that's not what we're going for," said the giant hand as he looked around for anyone who had an issue with Bayonetta's drinking problem. "Who has a problem with Bayonetta's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Snake, don't you have anything?"
"No, I like Bayonetta," replied Snake, not having a single bad thing to say about his roommate. Quite a surprise, since the former spy was usually complaining about how Bayonetta drove him to the brink of insanity.
Snake: Actually, I don't care for Bayonetta but I don't believe in this kind of thing. From where I come from, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. *holds up his fist* Awareness, education, control, acceptance, and punching. The fifth one is always the most fun one.
"Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke?" asked Master Hand, finding it pretty alarming that nobody in the meeting room save for Mario and Cloud had anything to say about Bayonetta's drinking problem. The apathy was concerning to him. "Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?"
"I am fine," Bayonetta assured Master Hand, as she analyzed the body language of everyone else to gauge the overall feeling in the meeting room. "You're just overreacting."
"Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do."
"I know I drink. I like to party. Sue me."
"I want you to say I'm an alcoholic."
"I am not an alcoholic! For the love of..."
"You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you."
Viridi made a plate of hummus - and several pita triangles - to the gaming room, which were both met with approval from Rosalina. But little did the goddess of nature know that her work was far from over.
"I was waiting until later to hand out this year's gifts from Tom Nook," Rosalina said to Viridi as she held up a shot glass. Viriid looked at the glass, wishing she could just snatch it out of Rosalina's hand and break it into a million pieces. "I don't think they're appropriate anymore."
"Please stop making me do these things..." Viridi pleaded to Rosalina - all the goddess of nature wanted was a break. Was that so much to ask for?
"Oh, sorry, it's your job."
"But it's the season of mercy."
"You never showed me mercy when you were going around hating on humans. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?"
"I lost it, I'm sorry." Rosalina would stare at Viridi intensely until Viridi pulls out the hairnet and put it on her head. Poor Virdi felt like a lunch lady at a school cafeteria.
Intervention in the meeting room persisted, and Master Hand refused to end things until Bayonetta finally admitted that she was an alcoholic. Mario, Cloud, and a few others were doing their best to remain engaged...or at least look like they were engaged.
"I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction," said Bayonetta, getting Master Hand all excited as the Umbra Witch was finally ready to come clean. "I do. To anime. Ecchi anime."
"No...that is the image, I think we can all agree is fairly disgusting," said Master Hand, as he saw Iori Yagami in the back smiling and nodding his head in approval. "But you know what, Bayonetta, you lit your hair on fire today, and your bodysuit. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you wake up the next day and you're dead?
"I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick!" shouted Corrin as everyone in the meeting room gave the prince weird looks. "Would say my sword, but a stick works best."
Corrin: There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick. For science.
"Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore," Master Hand said to Bayonetta in the most caring, considerate way he knew how. Bayonetta couldn't care less what anyone else thought of her. "The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out."
"Mr. Game and Watch is our resident fire marshal, he would have to do it," stated Corrin as Mr. Game and Watch facepalmed, wishing for the prince to shut his mouth. "She is a hazard to the other people of the mansion. I suppose he could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area."
"Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that," Champion Link said to Corrin, in a half-hearted attempt to put an end to the prince's foolishness. His suggestion only made Corrin even more brazen.
"Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks. Mr. Game and Watch can get it done in no time!"
"I can get you one in an hour," Snake said to Corrin; given that the former spy made fake IDs and such, it was a given that the permit he would give out would be fake as well.
"You know what, this...this is over," stated Cloud, seemingly ending the intervention as she stood up from his chair. He was starting to regret informing Master Hand about Bayonetta's drinking problem if he hadn't already.
"I agree," Mario sided with Cloud, which Master Hand found baffling. The giant hand was used to the plumber siding with him, which didn't happen as often as he wanted to believe. "Master Hand, I think you did the best-a you could, but this is bigger than-a all of us."
"Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler," Master Hand accusingly pointed at Mario, Cloud, and everyone in the meeting room that wasn't Bayonetta. "It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help."
Master Hand: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Bayonetta to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. A watch would be nice.
The intervention didn't turn out the way Master Hand had planned, so he decided to discuss with Bayonetta about her drinking problem in his room. He and the Umbra Witch were hashing it out, as Minato and Yukari - who were both at the party - watched through the slightly cracked open bedroom door.
"They've been in there for forty-five minutes," remarked Minato, as he watched Master Hand and Bayonetta screaming at each other. The young man couldn't recall any other instance where Master Hand cared so much for a resident's personal problem.
"I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now," quipped Yukari, smiling over her little joke as Minato let out a slight chuckle.
Once intervention was over, the Moroccan Christmas party picked up right from where it left off. Rosalina and Viridi were going around offering cookies to the partygoers in the gaming room.
"That's a halwa shabkia cookie," Rosalina explained to Simon as Viridi handed the vampire hunter a cookie, which he ate. "They serve it during Ramadan." Upon hearing this fact, Simon spat out the cookie immediately.
"Mmmm...chewy!" gleamed Pigma, who found the halwa shabkia cookie very tasty. But then again, what didn't that pig find tasty? Elsewhere in the gaming room, King Dedede was playing away on the sitar when Sora approached him.
"Hey," Sora greeted King Dedede, who was playing to his heart's delight. It was a rather terrible performance, but nothing that made Sora want to cover his ears and hide.
"What's up?" King Dedede asked Sora, believing that his sitar-playing earlier attracted the Keyblade wielder's attention.
"Do you take requests?"
"Sure do! Lay it on me!"
"Please stop. People are having a Christmas party." Sora walked away, as King Dedede let out a sigh and stopped playing the sitar.
Cloud was in the living room, checking out the Christmas tree that Fox and Falco worked hard to bring in. As Cloud was looking at the tree, Master Hand sneaked up on the swordsman...who instantly turned around when he felt the giant hand's presence.
"Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?" Master Hand asked Cloud, before dropping a pen and paper at the swordsman's feet. Cloud looked down at the materials lying on the floor, having no choice in the matter.
Cloud: Master Hand asked me earlier if I can take Bayonetta to rehab, but I told him that I can't take anyone around town on my motorcycle. So, your loss, Mario.
It was Mario who was asked by Master Hand to take Bayonetta to rehab, as the plumber was driving the Umbra Witch in his car. Bayonetta was looking out the window on the passenger side when she saw a bar she happened to recognize.
"We just missed the Capital Hill Bar," the Umbra Witch informed Mario, who kept on driving as he had his eyes on the road. "I thought we were going out for a drink?"
"Mama mia, you're right!" replied Mario, playing along with Bayonetta as he smacked his fist on the dashboard in faux anger. "Oh well, we'll have to go some-a place else then I guess."
"Linda's Tavern? Pine Box? Bathtub Gin and Company? So many choices!" The fact that Bayonetta knew that many bars was a bit of a red flag.
"We could-a go there, sure. But I have a new place-a in mind."
"Well, it must have just opened up. I haven't heard anything about a new bar in town."
"Yes, it recently opened a few weeks-a ago. I'm sure you will like it."
"Enough of this Christmas crap. I'm still in a party mood..." Bayonetta changed the radio station, changing it from a station with Christmas songs to one that played a bunch of dance music and whatnot. Made the Umbra Witch feel a little less tense.
"Oh yeah, there-a you go! We're party girls!" Mario cringed as he made that statement, while he kept on driving.
As a parent, there wasn't a greater feeling in the world than getting a Christmas gift for your kid. For Robin, he never had the chance to get a Christmas gift for his kids from the future, Morgan and Marc. Partly due to missed opportunities. But he planned on changing that this year.
"Hey Morgan, have you ever heard of this doll, Princess Unicorn?" Robin asked his daughter as he entered her room, with a Princess Unicorn newspaper ad. Morgan saw the ad and gasped out of sheer happiness.
"Of course I heard about Princess Unicorn, it's the most popular toy out right now!" replied Morgan; she never owned a single doll before, so getting her hands on a Princess Unicorn doll would be a big deal to her. "Did you get one for me?"
"No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it. Saw it in the newspaper and I was like, 'why not?'."
Robin: This is great. Lucina won't stop nagging me for being a lousy father on Christmas once I get Morgan that doll. *chuckles* For once dad's going to be a hero this holiday season.
Robin had to act fast, for Pit was selling the Princess Unicorn dolls like hotcakes. The angel was outside Pac-Man's house, selling a doll to Pac-Man.
"Howdy, Robin!" Pac-Man waved to the mage, who just showed up outside the eater of ghost's house. Pit had just sold Pac-Man a doll by the time Robin arrived.
"Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls," Robin said to Pit, as he was nearly out of breath - further proof that running was clearly out of style for the mage.
"Sorry Robin, that's my last one," Pit apologized to the mage, as he alluded to the empty box seated at his feet. Robin saw the empty box as his eyes went wide with worry.
"Oh, no, no, no...I was gonna buy that doll." Robin ran his fingers through his hair, realizing that his window of opportunity had just been closed shut.
"Thanks for the doll, man!" Pac-Man thanked Pit, not once caring for the distress that Robin was going through. Robin was starting to think less of himself as a father.
"Not my problem!" replied Pit, also not caring about Robin as he gave Pac-Man a salute. Seeing the Princess Unicorn doll in Pac-Man's hand made Robin feel some type of way.
"I was going to get the doll...I promised my daughter," said Robin, suddenly on the verge of tears as he confronted Pac-Man. The mage even got down to his knees in a begging manner, as Pac-Man looked confused. "Pac-Man, look...I need the doll, I need the doll. I'm begging you. I just...I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Pac-Man, I need this doll."
"Alright man, don't cry, it's cool!" Pac-Man assured Robin, as he couldn't bring himself to see the mage or anyone else crying over a Christmas gift. "I'll let you get it for $400."
"I only have twenty bucks." Twenty bucks just weren't going to cut it; Robin was going to have to more than quadruple that amount to appease Pac-Man.
"You can owe me." That was a much more feasible option for Robin, as the mage stood up and laughed with all his worry vanishing away.
"Oh wow, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Robin simply couldn't thank Pac-Man enough; he'd thank the eater of ghosts the entire day if he wanted to. "Morgan is going to love that doll!"
"I know, right? Merry Christmas!" Pac-Man kindly handed the Princess Unicorn doll to Robin, who noticed that the doll itself was black. Which caught Robin by surprise. "Something wrong with the doll?"
"No, it's...it's even better than the one I wanted." No matter how the doll looked, Morgan still would appreciate it either way.
Mario finally arrived at the new bar in town, but as it turns out, it wasn't a bar one bit. As she and Mario got out of the car, Bayonetta looked up...and saw that the bar was in fact a rehab center.
"Is this a rehab center?" the Umbra Witch frowned when she saw the rehab center sign. "No! I told Master Hand no! There is no way!"
"It's okay, it's-a all right," Mario assured Bayonetta, who was trying to get back inside the car; Mario grabbed the Umbra Witch, pulling her away as Bayonetta held on for dear life. "We are doing this for your own-a good, okay? Come on..."
"No way! No way! There is no way! You can't make me..."
"Here-a we go. This is gonna be good. You'll be outta here in-a no time!"
"Absolutely not! I told that Master Hand. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. There is no way! I am not going in there!"
"Yes-a you are." Mario tried to pull Bayonetta off his car but to no avail. Mario didn't care as much about Bayonetta rehabbing; he just wanted to make Master Hand happy, so the giant hand would leave him alone.
"I am not going in there! Take me back to the mansion, at once!"
"Shh...just calm down." Mario managed to pry Bayonetta off his car, his hands all over the Umbra Witch. Bayonetta found no possible way to vanish from the parking lot, as Mario dragged her to the front door. "Here's-a the door."
"You're not taking me in there; this is a waste of my time!" Mario dragged Bayonetta inside the rehab center anyway, taking her to the front desk.
"Let's-a start meeting..." Mario went up to the front desk to speak with the rehab nurse, dragging Bayonetta along with him. "Hello. How are you?"
"Don't listen to him, this man is out of his mind," Bayonetta said to the rehab nurse, who was bewildered by the tussling going on between Bayonetta and Mario.
"Can I help you?" the rehab nurse asked Mario, keeping her distance; There was a good chance that Bayonetta might break free from Mario and started firing away with her guns.
"I have a deposit," replied Mario, as Bayonetta was giving him more than he could handle. "Alcoholic. So do I sign?"
"Enough!" shouted Bayonetta as she finally broke free from Mario; at this point, Mario decided to leave Bayonetta be. "Let's just head back to the mansion..."
Although things were going well at the Moroccan Christmas party, Rosalina felt like there was something missing from the festivities - a Christmas tree! Viridi originally had a Christmas tree in the gaming room, per the request of Simon, but was asked to remove it.
"I need you to put the Christmas tree back up," Rosalina asked Viridi, hoping that it wouldn't be too much trouble for the goddess of nature. But Viridi refused to budge, not moving a single inch.
"It's outside - you can go get it yourself," replied Viridi, showing off a little attitude as a few nearby residents looked on, visibly alarmed.
"I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be."
"I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree."
"Okay...have it your way." Rosalina started to float away, before turning around and announcing the following to the partygoers: "...Viridi is going to get Pit that streaming stick he always wanted for Christmas this year!" Pit, who happened to walk by the gaming room when he heard Rosalina's announcement, pumped his fist.
"New Metal Gear Solid game...you're coming home to papa," the angel whispered quietly, as he was holding out for a new Metal Gear Solid game for what seemed like four years. Little did he know that playing a game on a streaming stick was nigh impossible.
Master Hand: As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um...I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
Mario: I feel partly responsible for what happened with-a Bayonetta. That scotch mix was much-a stronger than I imagined. I hope that nobody else-a got a sip...
Falco was back in the living room, admiring the Christmas tree that he brought in. It was now fully decorated, all thanks to the Koopalings. Crash entered the living room in a tipsy state, almost about to fall down.
"Hey Crash, heading over to Fox's place?" Falco asked the bandicoot, whom he spotted with the corner of his eye. "Fox is making pizza rolls."
"Blergh..." responded Crash as he made his way over to Falco. Falco was busy checking out something on his phone, as Crash drunkenly dropped his pants to the floor.
"Cool, cool, cool. Do you wanna invite your siblings?" Falco looked up from his phone and saw Crash, standing with his unflattering boxers exposed. The avian pilot stared at Crash in his boxers for a brief moment...before snapping a picture of the bandicoot and walking away. "Alright, sounds good. You gonna bring some drinks?"
"Blergh..." Not wanting to have any responsibility with a drunken Crash, Falco quickly got out of the living room. Crash remained standing until he fell on the floor; Sonic saw this as he passed through the living room.
"This is probably the least that I could do..." the blue hedgehog remarked, as he picked up Crash and hoisted his friend over his shoulder before carrying him out of the living room. Made sure to get his pants, too.
After returning Crash to his room, Sonic went to Mario and informed him about Crash being drunk, citing that the bandicoot might've had one of the plumber's drinks. So Mario removed his drinks from the Moroccan Christmas party, which was still taking place in the gaming room. King Dedede was still hanging around, playing his sitar. Albeit pretty horribly.
"Alright, everybody's still here. Perfect!" exclaimed King Dedede, who had one big finale planned for all of those who attended the Moroccan Christmas party. He had one final sitar performance ready to deliver. "I just wanted all of you to know that, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you all Christmas cheer. Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-la. Troll the little Yuletide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo."
"I think I'd like to go home now," said Ashely as she skedaddled out of the gaming room, heading back to the tower. The young witch didn't enjoy the party that much, and most of that could be contributed to King Dedede.
"Wow, tough room..." King Dedede saw the cold reactions he got from the others, letting out a very nervous chuckle. "...come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"