Chapter 35
Stolen moments
"I'm home!" Effie thrilled and dropped the duffel bag on the hallway carpet. "Wait until you see what Sae got us!"
Snow dripped off her muffler as she unwound it. The house was heaven after the vicious chill outside. Struggling with the buttons of her coat, she blew some life into her hands. Even with mittens on her fingers turned stiff as fish sticks right out of the freezer.
"I ran into Hazelle on the way home," she prattled on, carrying the bag through the house. "She said we're welcome over for coffee on Saturday. That gives us more than enough time to practice baking those peanut butter cookies I told you about. Peeta got me this amazing recipe! Oh, and I arranged a play date for the twins and Sae's youngest grandson next week. It will be fab…"
Her voice trailed off.
Through the walls came a sound she hadn't heard in ages. No, not for many years now.
Is that Haymitch?
Couldn't be anybody followed the sound into the living room. Appeared just in time for the twins to join in.
They sat on the floor. All three of them. Haymitch with his back to her, cross-legged on the carpet. Amy and Ian sat before him, supported by a sea of pillows. All around them were pieces of paper, torn apart. Haymitch just took a fresh one and ripped it in two. The children giggled like mad and they weren't the only ones.
With a big smile on her face, Effie leaned into the doorframe, watching.
Before the twins were born she'd only ever heard Haymitch laugh like that, laugh until tears rolled down his face, when he got drunk with Chaff during the Games.
Unaware of her presence, Haymitch took another piece of paper and Amy and Ian squealed with giggles until they fought for air when he ripped it apart, letting it sail through the air. He repeated the game over and over and joined in their amusement with that big belly-laugh of his that she loved and got to hear so infrequently.
"Oh, man," Haymitch got out in between chuckles and wiped the tears with the back of his hand. "You guys are the best!"
Watching Haymitch with his children these past few months had revealed a whole new side of him that Effie had never seen before.
She used to believe that the Games killed the man Haymitch could have become but maybe a part of that happier, more relaxed side of him had always been there, deep down. Never dead, just dormant. Like tulip bulbs embedded in the earth, waiting for spring.
It was a precious, precious thing she was fortunate enough to witness. Those tender new leaves, new blossoms that Amy and Ian brought out in him.
Haymitch Abernathy's capacity to love was enormous. Greater than anyone she'd ever known. She always suspected it of course, especially after Katniss and Peeta were thrust upon him. But ever since Haymitch became a dad she got daily reminders in a dozen different ways of just how big his heart actually was.
He'd fallen head over heels in love with the twins. No question about it.
"Knock, knock," she said with her fist against the wood.
Haymitch turned his head.
"Oh, hey Effs. Come on in."
Smiling, she pushed herself off of the doorframe.
"Hello, my loves." She dropped a kiss to first Amy's, then Ian's head. "Having a good time with dada?"
"Yeah, we're havin' a blast," said Haymitch. "You could've saved a fortune in toys, Eff. I tell ya. Our tots are the most easily entertained kids in all of Panem. Here, have a go!"
"Alright," said Effie and accepted the paper. She ripped it swiftly in two and the twins gave a toothless giggle. She handed the pieces back to Haymitch. "I'm not even upset that it's my most expensive letter paper you're tearing to shreds."
Haymitch ripped the twos into fours, chuckling when they chuckled.
"Huh? What?" he asked.
"Nothing."
She joined them on the floor with the duffel bag on her lap. Ian had gotten his hands on a slip of paper and Effie retrieved it by second nature before he stuffed it in his mouth. The paper was still big enough to be ripped in half and she handed it to Haymitch, who didn't disappoint.
She treasured these moments. Even with the lack of sleep, the past couple of months were some of the happiest days of her life. Especially since their return to District 12. In times like this she could almost, almost believe there would be no more bad spells. Believe that Haymitch lead a sober life now. For his children.
But sitting right next to him, there was no denying the fierce shakes in Haymitch's hands, the redness of his eyes, his clammy forehead. It both warmed and pinched her heart that he managed to find happiness like this, even though he struggled more than ever before.
Haymitch never used the word "alcoholic" about himself but he wasn't a dumb man. You didn't hallucinate during withdrawals, shaking and screaming at terrible things only you could see unless you were in serious trouble.
Maybe, possibly there'd been a time when she believed he could find a way to drink responsibly. That with her help and the help of Katniss and Peeta, Sae, Hazelle – all the people who cared about him – he'd manage to keep it under control.
But at the end of the day she knew it was all wishful thinking.
Haymitch was an addict. The Games, losing his family and the hell he went through watching those tributes die year after year after year had driven him to drink when there was no other way out.
And even though this new phase in his life had brought some unexpected happiness, she knew that a family who loved him and cherished him and needed him to be whole wouldn't magically make him so. Deep down even Haymitch must know that the kind of help he needed couldn't be given by anyone in this room.
A grace period. That's what these past few months were, really. And she could only wonder:
How long this time?
"Here," she said and placed the duffel bag on Haymitch's lap, brushing away those depressive thoughts. "I have a surprise for you."
Haymitch unzipped and peeked inside, upended it and the twins watched in wonderment as baby socks and baby mittens fell out followed by rompers and onesies and bodysuits, playsuits and all other suits you could think of.
"Cute, aren't they?" Effie smiled. "Courtesy from Sae and these," she added and picked up two snug-fitting, one-colored jammies from the pile, "are my favorites! Forest green and robin's egg blue. Oh! Don't you just love it? Sae told me they once belonged to the most adorable little boy you ever saw."
"Who?"
Effie chuckled.
"Why, you of course!"
"You kiddin'?"
He reached out and brushed one of the tiny sleeves between his thumb and forefinger. Effie held the green pajamas up against his chest, head tilted to one side.
"Can you imagine you were once so little you fit into this?"
She let him have it and fitted Amy a gray beanie that the girl immediately pulled off and bit into.
With her attention elsewhere, Haymitch's gaze dropped to the baby jammies in his hands. He hadn't laid eyes on them in ages. It was wrinkly and threadbare, being put to good use over the years. But he saw no reason why Amy and Ian couldn't wear them if Effie really wanted them to.
He ran his fingers through the fabric; sensed Ma in every stitch. Effie might think of the clothes as his but they weren't, not really. Amadeus wore them last, before he outgrew them too and they passed on to Sae's ever-growing family.
"I cannot believe they're already six months old," Effie said and brought him back to the present. She watched Amy and Ian explore the pile of hand-me-downs and there was an odd air of loss in her voice. "In just a couple of weeks they won't even need these pillows. They'll learn how to crawl, how to walk, talk. One blink and it's over."
"Yeah," Haymitch said. "Time does go by."
Effie folded the blue pajamas and dropped it in the duffel bag.
"I've been thinking."
"You don't say?"
"What do you think about making them godparents?"
"Who?"
"Katniss and Peeta, silly."
"Aren't they already?"
"No, we never asked them officially."
"Oh. Well… they would make great babysitters whenever we feel like getting the hell out of dodge."
"Language," said Effie but even she was suppressing a smile. "By the way, Haymitch. About Sunday dinner. Wouldn't it be nice if we invited them over for a change?"
"Now, Effs. Remember our rule, we only cook for people we don't care if we poison."
xXx
"Bit further to the right. Lil' more. Lil' more. There you go!"
"Haymitch," said Effie, torn between amusement and annoyance. "I have built snow lanterns before."
She scooped up another handful and packed it into a firm snowball that she placed in the one existing hole in her creation.
Since Peeta and Posy's first one, years ago, the big snow lantern in front of Haymitch's house had become something of a Victor's Village tradition.
"Did you bring the matches?"
"Left pocket," Haymitch said, leaned back against a frosty tree. Amy moved sleepily against his chest, snuggled up next to her brother. The stretchy wrap was a gift from June and Annabel, during the dinner party. Effie got one too but Haymitch hardly ever gave her the chance to use it.
"Well, Effie carried them for nine months," Peeta joked. "It's only fair that Haymitch takes his turn now."
And he did enjoy keeping them close. At least then he knew where they were. Course, he had another reason – a secret reason – for using the stretchy wrap for all it was worth, even for short moments like building a snow lantern.
The very first night after Effie and the twins moved in, he got out the biggest bags he could find and paid a visit to every single one of his stashes around the house. Clinking with bottles he then headed out and hid it in the one place he was certain Effie wouldn't go to.
The goose pen.
And he wasn't just keeping it out of her sight. True, it would be many months before the twins had the run of the place – a place that was baby-proofed, but just thinking about finding them playing with a bottle made him sick to his stomach.
To say he was sober as a judge these days would be a big, fat lie but he was definitely close. As good as, really.
All thanks to Amy and Ian.
That's where the stretchy wrap came in. Whenever he had a hard time and the goose pen looked more and more inviting he came up with some excuse to wear it. Hell, as of now the four of them had already visited ever single inch of District 12, including the slag heap and the neighboring woods.
Because a secret sip or two when everyone else was asleep was one thing. Another altogether drinking while his kids were strapped to his chest. He couldn't do it. He'd hang himself from the nearest beam before he let that happen.
Effie put the match out and rose, admiring her soft-glowing snow lantern. She caressed the twins' apple-red cheeks and slipped her hand through the crock of Haymitch's elbow.
"Let's go visit uncle Peeta at the bakery," she smiled. "I'm sure aunt Katniss will join us when she comes back from the woods."
xXx
A full moon shone off of the ice crystals in Effie's creation. The night and the cold had blown the candle out. Haymitch felt inside his pocket and sure enough, the matches were still there.
Crouched in the snow it took him three efforts to light a flame. He stuck it through the opening but only managed to brush his wrist against the side.
"Damn it," he muttered when parts of the snow lantern collapsed in on itself. He put the match out and fumbled with the snowballs to try and fix it, only making the rest of Effie's hard work cave in.
Our life in a nutshell, he thought minutes later when he stepped inside the goose pen. A life where Effie tried to build things up, only for him to tear it all down again.
"Hey, how you doin'?" he said and slumped into the hay of the secluded, free zone he now shared with the geese. Breathing in the scent of fresh straw, bird feathers and manure he dug inside the hay until he came up with a dusty bottle of the finest white liquor in town.
"I'm having just this one, alright," he told the geese. "Don't let me go for a second."
The birds watched with round, expressionless eyes as he twisted the top, feathers ghostly pale in the moonlight.
"Oh, don't judge me. This is the first cold one I've had in like 50 years. Or… tepid, really," he added after a sip. One sip that became two, that became three and four and five. He belched and wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve, throat so raw he felt just about ready to spit blood. Arms rested against his knees he rolled the content of the flask in slow, pondering circles.
"You guys are livin' the dream," he said. "All you ever do is eat and shit and fuck around. No real responsibilities. No fear of losing anything. 'cept for the eggs I take away and give to people," he added after a moment's pause. "Wish I'd been born a goose."
He tipped the bottle up. Finished almost all before he spoke again.
"You wanna know somethin'?" He pointed the bottle toward the dust-speckled window. "Over it that house is the best damn thing that ever happened to me. It's true. A gorgeous, kind-hearted woman who really cares for me. The sweetest couple o' kids a man could ever ask for. Three people who somehow manage to make life almost livable. And some time very soon yours truly will have to tell those three to pack up and leave so that when I obliterate everything they won't get hurt. The best thing I've got!"
The geese watched, silently in the dark. Even if they could speak, what would they say? Haymitch eyed the bottle in his hand. Watched the moonlight glint off of the clear glass like some precious jewel; imagined the lovely crash when he tossed it into the wall.
Instead he drank it dry. Turned it upside down so as not to waste a single drop. When there was nothing left but cold, hard, dirty glass he just let the bottle slip from his hand with a soft thud. It sounded like defeat.
Author's note: I'm having too much fun writing Haymitch opening up to a couple of birds when he has like 5+ people in his life that he could confide in instead. The scene with the twins and Haymitch playing around with paper was inspired by a youtube video I saw which included a father, his baby son and a rejection letter. Hope you liked it! Leave a review and tell me what you thought!