Annie and Allison were sitting in Annie's living room. The boys were on a scout trip, Ellie was at a friends and Heather was in bed recovering from appendicitis and having her appendix removed.
"How do you do this," Annie asked.
"What," Allison asked.
"Watch your kid in so much pain," Annie replied.
"Heather had appendicitis," Allison said.
"But the crying and the constant pain and mommy I can't move," Annie said, "Mommy can you carry me."
"That's hard," Allison said, "but she's 8 she can communicate."
"True," Annie said, "but the constant pain."
"It's in waves with Ev but it's hard," Allison said, "I'm not prepared for her surgery next week."
"Can I help," Annie asked.
"Just be there to listen," Allison said, "I can look after Ev and Ash but I need people to take care of me. I don't do well when either of them needs surgery. Her first one I was a mess."
"You were also 18," Annie said, "not that it's ever easier to see them in pain."
"It's hell," Allison admitted, "it doesn't get easier even when it happens a few times a week. I'm better at helping her and knowing what normally calms her but I hate seeing her in pain."
"What helps," Annie asked.
"She only just fully weaned," Allison said, "so until six weeks ago when it was really bad it soothed her. She finally stopped asking and pulling on my shirt. Now I do a sippy cup of warm milk. Pain meds, massage, bath, the rice bags."
"I didn't know she still was," Annie said.
"It was down to two or three times a week and there there was just no more," Allison said, "I'm glad. I liked doing that for her and know it was best for her but I like having my body back. I was 17 the last time my body was mine. To not have another human reliant on my body is nice."
"I felt that way when I finished nursing Heather," Annie said, "she was just over two, and she fought it. But that was my 30s. I couldn't imagine doing most of university and my undergrad."
"I want another," Allison whispered, "not now but one day. After med school. I want another baby."
"When you're ready," Annie smiled, "we took it one at a time. Yes my last two were my surprises but we always took it one baby at a time. We talked about 5, I'm the oldest of 5 and I love having all my siblings."
"Even when we do stupid things and mess up," Allison asked.
"You made ONE bad judgement call," Annie said, "and have risen to the occasion more times than not. Bean, you are doing great things."
"You still don't confide in me," Allison said.
"I came to you about seeing Heather in pain like that and not being able to help," Annie said.
"We talk about kids sometimes," Allison said.
"This is where the age gap is hard," Annie said, "I know you hate it. Some days it bugs me. Bean it's getting better."
"I'm worried about mom," Allison said, "only working 3 or 4 days a week not taking on the massive cases."
"Thats a natural progression," Annie said, "she's 67. They're getting ready to retire. She's not interested in the huge cases, she does take big things on if they interest her but she's being picky. She only does the ones she wants to."
"She's getting old," Allison said.
"She's older," Annie agreed, "she's okay. She wants life after surgery. She wants to travel and explore with Uncle Owen. they deserve it."
"Would you," Allison asked.
"Not now," Annie said, "one day. I'm going back full time next week. I can't run the scale of the peds cardio department on 4 days a week."
"Her hair is totally grey now," Allison said.
"She's been greying for a long time," Annie said, "she did it well. Allie she's really healthy, she still runs most days, she's in good shape."
"I think her hair got greyer when I had Everly," Allison said.
"Coincidence," Annie said, "she started complaining about it to me when I had Ellie so it's not all on you."
"Did Elie pick a school," Allison asked.
"UBC," Annie said.
"You ready," Allison asked.
"I have to be," Annie said, "and I have 6 months. I went to UBC at 17."
"Canada," Allison said, "are you okay with that? You visit but you never stay more than a couple weeks."
"I loved my time at UBC," Annie said, "it was a great experience. I know it's changed in the 30 years since I was there but she's in Salish which was my dorm complex."
"Is that okay," Allison asked again.
"It's good," Annie said, "she's ready I hope and it's only a couple hours away. I used to leave Friday after class and be at the cottage by 8 and mama would have dinner waiting for me."
"How old were you," Allison asked.
"19 and 20," Annie said, "I moved to Boston just before I turned 21."
"People think it's weird Ash and I have been together since high school," Allison said, "that he's my only."
"Between you and I," Annie said, "I only had one serious relationship before Josh. I didn't date in medical school."
"When did you the first time," Allison asked.
"I was 20," Annie said, "but I was raised very differently and that was Leslie."
"Do you miss her? She was your mom," Allison said.
"I made my peace with it a long time ago," Annie said, "but getting the call that she wouldn't make it through the next 24 hours was hard. The funeral was hard. But you all came for me. I could do that because I knew I had the people who love me. I miss the mom who read me stories and picked out picture books for every milestone, who would surprise me with hot cocoa on the way home from a competition. She was ill for a long time. She didn't know her own name, she was un aware of the world. I know she is in heaven and I know she is at peace."
"Is that enough," Allison asked.
"I'm working on it," Annie replied, "why are you wondering?"
"Nana has gone down hill again," Allison said.
"She has," Annie agreed, "she's in her 90s. Allison there will come a day where we have to say goodbye to Nana and it's going to suck. Losing grandma and grandmere was hard. We know Nana will go to heaven. We know she believes. She's in pain, she's tired."
"I want her at my wedding," Allison said.
"How's that coming," Annie asked.
"Can you come dress shopping with mom and I in July," Allison asked.
"I want to," Annie said, "bridal party?"
"I need to ask yet," Allison said, "I have some decision to make and don't want to hurt Cat's feelings. Ash says 5 bridesmaids is too many but that would mean choosing between Ellie and Cat or Carmen and Eden."
"Ava is your maid of honour," Annie guessed.
"She is," Allison confirmed, "I've asked her but she's keeping it quiet. I don't want to hurt Carmen and Cat's feelings."
"Okay," Annie said, "this is hard. I had a really hard time with this and choosing between friends. Jenna was my maid of honour, before she was with Chris."
"I remember Chris moving here," Allison said.
"In a perfect world who do you see standing with you," Annie asked, "the friends you know you can count on and will help you have your special day. You don't have to ask Ellie or Cat."
"I don't want to hurt them," Allison said.
"You wouldn't," Annie replied, "they will get it and if they don't that's for me and Megan to deal with. Allie what will make you happy?"
"I want Ellie because I was in yours," Allison said.
"What do you want," Annie asked, "close your eyes and perfect vision?"
"Ava, Eden and Ellie," Allison said, "I'm just not as close to Carmen and Cat. I want them there and to come to the wedding but not with me. But I feel like I should have something special for Cat. I don't spend time with Cat like I do with Ellie. Catrina doesn't call me or text, she never comes by. I'm at auntie Meg's Cat doesn't come hang out she goes to her room."
"I know you're not as close," Annie said.
"She's my cousin," Allison said.
"And it's your day," Annie said, "what will make you happy day of?"
"I think I ask her," Allison said, "I think I would feel guilty and like I'm leaving her out the whole time. But at the same time we're not close. She only talks to me to ask about parts of my relationship we don't talk about."
"Ellie," Annie asked.
"Has asked some questions," Allison said, "more about how to know if you really like someone or he really likes you. I think Everly scared her."
"It did," Annie said.
"If and when she talks to you be honest," Annie said, "don't hide things to protect her or keep me happy. Keep your boundaries and be honest."
"I am," Allison said, "she's been coming over more."
"I know," Annie said, "she always tells me. If she's going at a bad time you can say it."
"It's good," Allison assured, "would four bridesmaids be too much?"
"No," Annie said, "I had 4. Mama had 3."
"Who were mama's," Allison asked.
"Auntie Meg, Arizona Robbins and I," Annie said, "then you wanted to be there and yelled mama and dada so I held you through the ceremony so you could see them."
"So Ava, Eden, Ellie and Cat," Allison said.
"Will it make you happy," Annie asked, "will you feel good about the decision?"
"Yes," Allison said.
"Bachelorette," Annie said, "bridesmaids typically do one. You'll have two underage here and in Canada."
"I don't want something out of control," Allison said, 'do you think the cabin?"
"That's up to your bridesmaids," Annie replied, "they know you. Other plans?"
"I want opa to marry us," Allison said, "and mom and dad said we could use the back yard."
"Is this what you want," Annie asked.
"It is," Allison said, "it's not going to be big. I want family and close friends. People I know and love."
"Then do that," Annie smiled.
"Mommy," Heather called.
"I'll be right back," Annie said to Allison.
"How can I help," Allison asked.
"If you want to find snacks go for it," Annie said, "you know my kitchen."
"Really," Allison asked.
"I'm checking on Heather, Ev is asleep in my bed you're on snacks," Annie directed.
Annie walked into Heather's room.
"What's wrong sweet pea," Annie asked.
"I want ice cream," Heather whined.
"No ice cream yet," Annie said, "I want a couple more days before we give you dairy. You've been vomiting and ice cream will make it worse. I have popsicles or sorbet you can have."
"Popsicles are for Everly," Heather complained, "I want ice cream."
"How about we try the sorbet," Annie suggested, "I have raspberry, lemon and blue berry."
"Lemon," Heather pouted.
"Lets come down stairs and you can sit with me and Allie," Annie said, "you need to move a few steps."
"No," Heather whined, "it hurts."
"Let me check the incision then we can have some pain meds down stairs," Annie replied.
"Nee don't," Allison said from the door, "can I grab you guys anything?"
"Her meds are in the cupboard above the sink and a scoop of the lemon sorbet," Annie said, "Bean I need your help."
"I can help," Allison said, "let me get that first."
Allison grabbed what they needed from Annie's kitchen.
"Not feeling good H," Allison asked.
"No and mom won't let me have ice cream," Heather whined.
"I've learned your mom is usually right about these things," Allison said, "she knows what she's doing."
"I don't want to miss my Brownies trip," Heather complained.
"Thats in 3 weeks," Annie said, "if you do what dad and I tell you you'll be ready to go. That means you have to start moving around sweet pea. Lying in this bed isn't helping. After your snack you are going to move to the couch so I can change your bedding."
"One scoop of lemon sorbet," Allison smiled passing Heater the bowl.
"Bean I really need help," Annie said, "I can call Mama or Meg but maybe you can help me."
"What do you need," Allison asked.
"I have to go get Ellie from her friends for her project then bring her home and take her to another friends for a sleep over. The boys have to be picked up at 4:30 and Josh is in the OR. I know Asher took over time this weekend and you have a lot on your plate. Do you want to stay here with Heather and Ev while I drive everyone else?"
"Why don't I take Ev with me and do the driving," Allison suggested.
"Take my van then and use my gas," Annie replied, "Allie thank you."
"Nee you do so much for my family I can drive your kids," Allison said, "and I've heard something about this party I want to talk to Ellie."
"Bean," Annie asked.
"I got it," Allison said, "better from me than you."
"Thank you," Annie said.
"I'll wake Ev and go," Allison said.
"Let her sleep," Annie said, "we can do art the three of us. I have a good project."
"What are we making," Heather asked.
"I have an easter craft," Annie said, "it's next weekend."
"What are we making," Heather repeated.
"I have sock bunnies and some wooden eggs and paint," Annie said, "you pick."
"Eggs," Heather said.
"Bean is that okay with you," Annie asked.
"You like the arts and crafts more than I do and Ev loves them," Allison agreed.
"Ellie needs to be picked up in 20," Annie said, "text her for the address and I'll let her know. My keys are in my purse just grab them."
Allison picked Ellie up.
"Really," Ellie asked.
"Heather isn't doing well and your mom needs help," Allison said, "I was there so I said I would drive."
"I wanted to talk to mom about tonight," Ellie said, "this part everyone is going to drink and I just want one."
"El," Allison said, "why?"
"Because I don't want to look like a dork," Ellie said, "it's always baby Ellie doesn't drink."
"I've been the girl who doesn't drink at the part and the girl who is so drunk she doesn't remember how she ended up sleeping with a guy she didn't really like," Allison said, "I remember being drunk then waking up in bed naked beside him. El you don't want to be that girl."
"I'm not you or Cat," Ellie said, "I just want one cooler. Can I just have one?"
"I'm not buying it," Allison said, "I actually have more fun sober. I might have one now but I don;t need it. Go have one, dance, hang out."
"But everyone makes fun of me," Ellie said.
"And that's a them problem not a you problem," Allison said, "why do you want to."
"I want to be like everyone else," Ellie said, "it's my senior year. We all graduate soon and I've never had a drink."
"Why do you need to," Allison asked, "El I partied a lot the summer between my junior and senior years. I was drunk every weekend, sometimes twice but I wasn't happy and I wasnt in control. I seriously needed an intervention and by the time I was finally brave enough to tell my parents what was happening I had lost my virginity and gotten pregnant. Right now you have so many more options than I did. You're going to UBC, you get to go away and have your adventures. I'm not saying I regret keeping Ev but I know it also closed some doors for me. You have no limits right now El, you're going away to college, I'm the only one in the family who hasn't. I'm the only one who hasn't lived in dorms and had college roommates."
"They put me in Salish where mom lived," Ellie complained.
"The way she talks she loved it," Allison said, "better than Leo's situation sharing a bed room. You get your own bedroom you just share bathrooms and a kitchen."
"Would you have gone away," Ellie asked.
"I would have," Allison said, "or at least tried to. But life had other plans for me. I know my out of control drinking that really needed an intervention is part of why I said yes to Ash that night. I don't want you to feel that. Dirty and used and sick to your stomach because you don't know what happened. I know I said yes, I remember that, but I couldn't think through the consequences. El be smarter than me."
"Is that why mom says no," Ellie asked.
"She doesn't know whatI just told you and I'd like you to keep it between us," Allison said, "my mom and Asher know but I do not want Cat to."
"Okay," Ellie agreed, "top secret."
"It is," Allison said, "now if you go and you some how have a drink and you get scared or something feels the slightest bit off you call me. It's just like camping a couple years ago. You tell me and I will come and bring you home no questions asked. I will always come get you and get you somewhere safe."
"My mom would be mad," Ellie said.
"No," Allison assured, "she would worry. My parents werent mad when I told them. They were worried and they promised me they were there and would get me all the help I needed and they would do every step with me. Your mom will be the same. It's Annie, I know that about my sister."
"Does she have to be super mom all the time," Ellie asked.
"That's just how she is," Allison said, "she's been like that for my whole life even before you were born. She can be overbearing and particular but she's 1000x harder on herself then she is on you. She learned from Leslie and from my mom."
"I don't know what to feel about Granny," Ellie said, "Grandmere hurt but I don't know with granny it's not like I knew her."
"You feel what you feel," Allison shrugged, "we all really miss Grandmere. But when we do we sing her songs or make her recipes and it feels like she's close to us."
"What about Everly," Ellie asked.
"We all sing her the songs and she loves bannock and tortiere," Allison smiled, "that's something really special your mom did for all of us. Blending Mom's stuff, dad's family, Uncle Dan's, Grandmeres into a big family that loves all of us."
"Why," Ellie asked.
"Because she loves them all," Allison said, "I asked her about it with figuring things out with Ash's family and she said what she needed was both of her families to love her for who she was. So that's what she did with them love them for who they are and it worked. I can't think of a holiday without Uncle Dan's stories or Nee making one of the traditional dishes from that side."
"My mom doesn't eat but feeds everyone else," Ellie said.
"She's better now," Allison said.
"She is," Ellie said, "but I don't want to be like her with her eating."
"Then talk to her, talk to me and my mom see a counslor," Allison said, "Ellie there are people to help."
"Tonight," Ellie asked, "if I drank and got scared would you come get me?"
"I will," Allison said, "I will come get you and take you home or to my place, but I will not lie to my sister. I will tell her that you're with me and that you are safe."
"If I drink," Ellie asked.
"You have to tell her," Allison said, "it's Nee just be honest with her."
"One would she know," Ellie asked.
"I don't know," Allison said, "make sure you eat first, never drink on an empty stomach, have an exit strsatgey but try not to El. It's not worth destroying the next day with a hang over."
"If I don't will they think I'm a dork," Ellie asked.
"I used to use my thyroid meds as an excuse not to," Allison said, "now I just say I don't like being drunk. Don't you help with Sunday school tomorrow?"
"Ya," Ellie said, "Everly's group."
"There's your excuse," Allison said, "you have plans early tomorrow. Don't say what but you have stuff early you have to be there at 8:30. That's not dorky. Have a back bone and stand up for yourself, be stronger than me."
"I'll try," Ellie agreed as they pulled into the drive way, "Thanks Allie."
"Any time El," Allison smiled.